Bollywood Horror: Indian A Nightmare on Elm Street/The Monster/Mahakaal (1993, dir. Shyam Ramsay & Tulsi Ramsay)


vlcsnap-2016-10-04-16h47m07s231

This is my very first foray into the genre of Bollywood Horror. In fact, I wasn’t even aware this was a thing. I just knew that while looking for foreign knock-offs of famous American films, this one showed up on my radar. I decided to save it for October. Little did I know that this film came with a decade or so of horror films made by Bollywood prior to it. Even while I called this movie the Indian A Nightmare on Elm Street in the title of this post, it wasn’t really the first one. It’s just the one that is most well-known, and was an intentional remake of the original. Well-known to the point that it was even included in the Elm Street retrospective film Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy (2010). The other is very easy to find, but has no English subtitles.

This movie was done by the Ramsay brothers who were pioneers of the genre. While Khooni Murdaa (1989) wasn’t a remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), you can see below why it became an issue for the Ramsay brothers who were in the middle of making their film when it was released.

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

As a result, they either tweaked kills from the original movie, kept the style of the kill, or simply went with a kill from one of the other Elm Street movies. Full confession: I have only seen the first two, so I won’t be able to make sure I know which films all of the kills come from. With that little bit of exposition out of the way, let’s have some fun.

The movie begins with a shot of what looks like some sort of humanoid that appears like they are being crucified on a skull. Then the movie goes ahead and gives a shot of Freddy’s eyes.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-16h47m49s391

Then we meet Seema (Kunika) as she wanders around Indian Freddy’s Boiler Room.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-16h50m56s652

Eventually she runs into Freddy. Well, she runs into his claws to be more specific.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-16h53m17s437

Note that she does indeed take it to the the stomach because she will wake up to simply find claw marks on her arm.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-16h54m38s038

That’s a pretty nasty wound that you’d think she’d show somebody, but she won’t for awhile. Instead, it’s time for the directing credits to show up blinking like an old website before cutting to Anita (Archana Puran Singh) putting up a picture that appears to be somebody fighting a bear.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-16h55m10s506

If that doesn’t make any sense to you, then don’t worry, because none of the tone whiplash in this movie is going to make sense.

We then meet the family, including her boyfriend Prakash (Karan Shah). I don’t recall anything about Nancy’s mother from A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984), but Anita’s father is with the police in this one.

Now we cut to her school where we meet the head of what I assume is the Tutankhamun gang.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-16h59m29s339

He is telling everyone that someday, Anita will be his. This is as good a time as any to mention that Anita’s regular life in this movie comes across as worse than Freddy coming after her.

Then we cut to what must be a restaurant rather than a cafeteria.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-16h59m56s819

It was nice of Rambo to make an appearance in this movie. The same goes for Michael Jackson.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h00m32s362

That’s when the movie’s extremely annoying comic relief (Johnny Lever) enters the room. And what song off the Bad album would play for his entrance, but Thriller.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h01m02s422

That was on the Bad album, right?

This guy is less like the “bad” Michael Jackson was singing about, and more like what Huey Lewis & The News were singing about in Bad Is Bad. He’s the worst.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h01m34s827

Now Anita shows up sporting a bandage where she was wounded. For some reason they cut from Seema getting attacked in her sleep to a similar looking woman and her boyfriend. It was confusing, and it didn’t help that IMDb says that Anita is the center of attention, not Seema. I got them screwed up over and over throughout this film till I knew for sure that Seema was dead. Also, the self-referential joke that turns into breaking the fourth wall here isn’t funny. Nothing he says or does is funny.

Oh, and did I mention this guy is the worst with enough emphasis? In case I didn’t, when the Tutankhamun guy shows up, this guy proceeds to sexually assault him.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h05m39s097

Don’t worry, Tutankhamun guy will get his turn to do some sexual assaulting of his own.

Once that is done, we get our first musical number. I’m sure that Wes Craven always intended his film to have musical numbers in them. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt flattered, and thought this movie was hilarious. Stupid, but hilarious. I say that because when you watch the movie, you can tell the Ramsay Brothers were fans of the original. If you cut out the parts that don’t fit for an American market (inappropriate and otherwise), then you actually have an interesting variation on the original that also brought together parts from the other films in the series. As for this musical number, I think the Ramsay Brothers decided to work in From Here To Eternity (1953) for some reason.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h10m24s048

I have to guess at which girl is Anita and which one is Seema here. I believe this one is Anita. This musical number seems to be here just to include breasts…

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h12m09s200

and a crotch shot.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h16m14s358

After finding out that Tutankhamun guy’s friend is a fan of Siouxsie and the Banshees based on his shirt, Anita finally shows somebody those gigantic wounds on her arm. Unlike Nancy in the first film, Anita really doesn’t take an active role in fighting Freddy. She’s just kind of there. This is particularly hilarious considering they get their ending from that other big 1984 film that had one of the strongest female leads of the decade.

We now go home with Anita. I am trying very hard to keep these two straight.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h27m20s434

She goes to bed, and we cut to the father looking at a picture on the wall. It’s of his dead daughter. We find out she died seven years prior before cutting to another dream sequence.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h32m50s571

I think I have seen that before.

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985, dir. Jack Sholder)

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985, dir. Jack Sholder)

That is Anita’s dead sister Mohini (Baby Sweetha) who is here to lead her into another Freddy place.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h34m04s711

Things are getting more serious because Freddy has expanded his repertoire to include Dario Argento lighting.

Suspiria (1977, dir. Dario Argento)

Suspiria (1977, dir. Dario Argento)

While we are down there, we get some genuinely creepy shots. The Ramsay Brothers didn’t have such great success in the genre of Bollywood Horror for nothing. That includes Anita ripping part of Freddy’s face off.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h38m44s870

I absolutely love how the father (Kulbhushan Kharbanda) comes in, and just shrugs the whole thing off as her fault. Let’s take a look at this. Here is how she looks when he enters the room.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h41m06s192

There are clear as day claw marks on her arm, but nobody notices. Not even Anita, till he leaves, which is apparently no reason to call him and her mother (Reema Lagoo) back in for a look. The best part of this is when you can see the mother clearly looking at the claw marks.

Moving on, we get to see that Tutankhamun guy is also a fan of Iron Maiden.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h44m07s022

However, before we have the opportunity to say “2 Minutes to Midnight to kill Freddy”, things go downhill.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h47m35s091

They pin Anita down and squirt her with a garden hose after basically saying they are going to rape her. Luckily, this doesn’t turn into the scene from The Lonely Lady (1983) where Ray Liotta raped Pia Zadora with a garden hose.

The Lonely Lady (1983, dir. Peter Sasdy)

The Lonely Lady (1983, dir. Peter Sasdy)

This uncomfortable scene is broken up with a martial arts scene.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h49m16s101

The same thing happened in Dariya Dil (1988) during a badminton match.

Dariya Dil (1988, dir. K. Ravi Shankar)

Dariya Dil (1988, dir. K. Ravi Shankar)

I guess that’s part of the standard Bollywood formula. They insert martial arts scenes wherever they can. Unfortunately, the bad guys getting the crap kicked out of them is stopped by Anita’s two friends, who are then stopped by administrators at the school this is all taking place at.

After going to the cafeteria, the never funny guy does get in one good line about the scumbags concerning what just happened.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h53m22s584

Remember tone whiplash? It’s time for another musical number right after this sexual assault. For some reason, during it we get this guy dancing like an Egyptian.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-17h58m42s486

When the car doesn’t work, they have to stop at a hotel.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-18h06m27s851

Yes, that is the same actor as never funny. There’s another character later that I’m quite sure is played by him as well. I think something is lost in the translation, but I am pretty sure they are poking fun at the running joke from Magnum PI where long lost brothers of Higgins would show up at the estate.

Anyways, the two guys played by the same actor go to peep through a keyhole to watch a woman paint her nails. Don’t worry. She spots them, drags them into her room, and beats the crap out of them. I’m really glad that pointless padding is this movie.

Speaking of padding, let’s cut out the rest of this part and just get to Freddy showing up again. After showing up to chase after Seema, he pins her to the ground.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-18h28m23s661

Then she dies under a sheet, and her boyfriend Parma (Mayur Verma) goes on the run because he believes that they will try to pin the murder on him. It doesn’t work for him. The police catch up with him pretty quick.

As does Freddy when he lures Anita into a freezer room by making her see Seema’s body come alive under plastic.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-19h13m34s562

This time he only leaves Anita’s arm with a burn on it.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-19h14m52s436

Now we reach the point in the film where Freddy spoke to me through the movie to make me aware that the copy I had only wanted to display in widescreen when it was actually 4:3.

Ready for something random again? Now two unrelated women appear, and want to go see an Amitabh Bachchan film. On their way home they are chased by several bad guys when this happens.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-19h25m26s866

Not funny guy shows up to rescue the girls dressed like Amitabh Bachchan’s iconic character from Shahenshah (1988).

Shahenshah (1988, dir. Tinnu Anand)

Shahenshah (1988, dir. Tinnu Anand)

The character is essentially an Indian version of Batman. If Amitabh Bachchan looks familiar, then you probably saw Piku (2015) where he played the constantly constipated Dad, Baz Luhrmann’s version of The Great Gatsby, or one of his other 200+ acting credits.

What does that scene have to do with anything? Nothing! That’s why after Anita has a short conversation with her mother, Freddy decides to pay a visit to Param in jail. He remembers that the other film already did the hanging thing, so he decides to top that by scratching the walls to make snakes come out of them.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-19h40m01s023

By the way, we are an hour into this two hour movie, and I was able to keep calling him Freddy because they haven’t said his actual name, nor have they explained why he’s around yet. That’s why Anita wakes up to tell her father Parma is dead, he finds him as such, and he finally decides to tell the family what’s going on.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-19h49m27s743

Here’s the gist. Freddy’s name is actually Shakaal in this one. The father refers to him as an evil spirit in a human body. He would kidnap children in order to sacrifice them to increase his magical powers. We get a nice little flashback, which shows us his daughter being sacrificed by simply being tossed down a bottomless pit before he can stop it. He locks Shakaal in a coffin and buries him alive. But then he gets home and there’s Shakaal’s glove alive and well hiding behind some drinks.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-19h57m56s242

He tosses it in the fireplace, which really doesn’t explain why he still had it in a drawer all these years later for this reveal. So, it’s off for Dad and Prakash to go and see if Shakaal is still in his coffin. What they find are pointless explosions…and snakes.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-20h05m48s666

When that is over, we cut to Anita driving when Shakaal decides to make an appearance. He chases her into an aquarium, and pops up to say hi.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-20h14m05s110

I love that shot.

Then we get more padding in the form of a foreshadowing holy man. I have to give them credit though. He says they should sever Shakaal’s body in half. Remember that Shakaal’s main thing is his glove. That’s when they cut to Evil Dead chasing after Bruce Campbell camerawork to take us back into Anita’s bedroom to wake her up. Well played.

You know the routine. She wakes up, she finds Shakaal’s glove, and it tries to strangle her.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-20h24m12s584

There is one difference this time. Shakaal has decided it’s time to start moving away from the first film and into the second one because they find her on the floor of her room fighting as if the glove was actually there.

While the dad is having a drink, Shakaal decides to amp up his attacks. He reveals himself to the father, but is kind enough to disappear in a puff of smoke when he tells him to leave. That’s because Shakaal has got better things to do. First, he has to walk across the living room disappearing, and then reappearing closer to the camera, before he pays another visit to Anita.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-20h32m49s432

With that little bit of green in his eyes, we now have a possessed Anita.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-20h32m50s072

The scumbag from earlier makes another run at Anita who is possessed now so that the movie can pad itself out with more marital arts.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-20h39m18s743

Now it’s off to the disco!

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-20h42m44s279

Sure, you can have another random musical number, but can we leave references to The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) to Egyptian Rocky Horror AKA Fangs (1981).

Fangs (1981, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Fangs (1981, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

After her dance number, possessed Anita leads Scumbag right to A Nightmare On Elm Street 4 (1988).

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-20h58m47s089

My favorite part of this scene isn’t that Scumbag finally gets his comeuppance, but that after Shakaal breaks through the plastic and pulls him under, he magically reseals the plastic.

The next morning Anita wakes up to appear shocked at what happened.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-21h02m08s696

That’s the last we’ll see of Anita being possessed by Shakaal. Hold on a minute there. That means Shakaal possessed Anita. He then went to school as her where the scumbag tried to stop her and her friends took care of him via fighting. Then Shakaal performed a musical number in front of him to get his juices going. That was followed by Shakaal taking him to his place where he proceeded to tease that they would have sex, then kill him. Afterwards, Shakaal left her body. Sounds like Shakaal did her a favor. Also, this screenshot did me a favor because I finally know that Scumbag is named Randhir (Dinesh Kaushik). He seems to have a been a B-Movie actor, but he did have some role in Sarfarosh (1990), which at the time of writing this is ranked as #65 of the top rated Indian Movies on IMDb.

Not funny and some more padding shows up before we can move on with this movie.

Now we find out that Shakaal is also a fan of Romero.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-21h09m37s144

Day of the Dead (1985, dir. George A. Romero)

Day of the Dead (1985, dir. George A. Romero)

Finally, Shakaal decides to stop messing around, and just takes Anita in to be sacrificed like her dead sister.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-21h13m45s458

Leather boyfriend and her family show up to all confront Shakaal. This includes Shakaal taking an axe to his head.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-21h23m15s578

I’m sure if there were sequels to this movie, then no matter how much of Shakaal’s history they changed, or what actor they had playing him, they would always make sure to acknowledge that axe to the head by putting a dent there.

He also gets impaled.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-21h24m33s972

But Shakaal finds an alternative power source and pulls it from himself. If you haven’t noticed by know, Shakaal is less like Freddy and more like Jason. He doesn’t talk either like Jason, which people who haven’t seen the Friday the 13th movies say.

After beating up leather boyfriend, Shakaal follows Anita down into his basement where he has a convenient guillotine in it to chop his own legs off.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-21h28m15s839

Look, as long as crazy looking holy man from earlier said they needed to cut him this way, then it is a totally original thing and not a role reversal with Anita being the one to cause Arnold Shakaal to end up this way. Never mind this scene that follows.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-21h31m30s924

That’s when leather boyfriend shows up to make use of the convenient hydraulic press.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-21h34m00s998

I mean spiked ceiling that I don’t know why Shakaal had in his place anyways since he just appears to toss children down pits like he did with Anita’s sister.

With the family all reunited, they can throw “The End” at the screen.

vlcsnap-2016-10-04-21h36m19s709

They sequel bait this with Shakaal’s glove sticking out from his crushed body, but since there are no sequels, it doesn’t matter.

I do recommend this one. It may have come at the tail end of the Bollywood Horror renaissance, but it is fun to see a variation on A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984) that doesn’t just copy the concept, but actually tried to stay somewhat true to the original.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


vlcsnap-2016-09-30-15h39m26s936

I am not sure why McKendrick didn’t just make this a sequel to Deadly Pickup (2016). I can take a guess and say that he knows HBO likes to rotate up films from Cinemax, which could cause one of the two to be brought up there, and leave viewers confused. Still, it’s shot in the same area. It has Billy Snow basically playing the same character as Deputy Randall. Sarah Hunter is back. Jon Fleming who played Rick in Deadly Pickup is also back. Sal V. Miers himself even makes a small appearance in the film having been the producer of both this and Deadly Pickup. Also, it is once again a procedural to find a killer while injecting sex here and there into the story.

The movie starts off…and welcome back to the world of the living, Rick!

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-15h39m30s852

Meanwhile, Sarah Hunter is standing in the background giving away the ending of the movie by looking very disapproving of this photo shoot. It’s not Rick’s fault the credits didn’t want to be placed over shots of the beach and birds flying this time around. That still doesn’t stop Hunter from getting a great look on her face.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-15h53m41s945

That’s the look someone who is into you gives when you basically ask them to leave so you can have sex with someone else.

After that is completed, we cut to…whoa, whoa, whoa…

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-16h07m33s892

I’m pretty sure this is where you got killed by Carter Cruise in Deadly Pickup, Rick.

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Hmmm…I would say that Sarah Hunter resurrected Rick, but she was also killed off in Deadly Pickup. This completely breaks the continuity of the Dean McKendrick movies since I am pretty sure Sarah Hunter was killed off in Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills (2015) too. I guess when all else fails, just blame Frankie Dell for creating another one of his mystery concoctions that brought Hunter and Rick back to life between movies.

During the photo shoot, Rick uses the excuse that the lighting isn’t right anymore, so they will have to shoot down on the beach a little later. This does not sit well with the model named Audrey (August Ames) who is already jealous of the other model named Jocelyn (Christiana Cinn), and was just arguing with her own manager David (Justin Berti) about it.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-16h13m35s642

She proceeds to walk along the beach when it cuts to a seagull.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-16h18m14s760

We know what that means.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-16h21m09s290

Killed by a phallic shaped rock.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-16h21m21s143

That’s when our heroes show up on the scene.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-16h19m24s014

Deputy Randall got a promotion to Detective and has been partnered with Erika Jordan. They are legitimately good in this movie together. I could go for a series of movies where the two of them hunt down killers.

Considering this manager was arguing with Audrey next to a sign about “Conserving California’s Coastal Treasures”,…

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-16h08m32s612

that means we need Detective Randall and Erika Jordan to uncover a sex scene with Audrey from his past.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-16h27m46s107

After the standard procedural scene of people standing around talking to each other, it’s time for Randall and Jordan to go check in with the producer–Sal V. Miers–about the body.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-16h47m29s299

This is when Jordan makes sure to mention information that a woman could have killed Audrey.

Now we cut to Sarah Hunter trying to drop less than subtle hints to Rick that she is in to him. Then Jocelyn comes in to make Sarah Hunter leave, and comfort Rick by sticking one of her heels high in the air.

Once that is over, the good acting brigade shows up to question Rick as Jocelyn sneaks out the back-way. Hunter tells them that Audrey knew some things about Jocelyn that could hurt her modeling career, such as being a stripper on the side.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-17h02m49s047

Now it’s off to the Mötley Crüe soundalike strip club so that Jocelyn can point suspicion back at the red herring of the shady manager from earlier. They also make sure to say that Detective Randall is having a bad break up with his wife. That way they have an excuse for a sex scene later.

Now our dynamic duo go and confront the sleazy manager at the house of the couple from Deadly Pickup.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-17h19m36s830

They acquired enough evidence between scenes to arrest him just in time for Sarah Hunter to take a shower. After that, Hunter and Rick agree to meet later on, before we cut to Detective Randall drinking when Erika Jordan comes in to see him.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-17h29m35s923

I’m amazed Detective Randall would want to return to the bar where he had to put down Carter Cruise.

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

She takes him home since he is drunk, and they have sex. This one felt genuine like their characters had real feelings for each other. That was nice.

Now we go to Rick’s place where Sarah Hunter is in her best red dress. They have sex of course, but since Rick is suicidal, he essentially tries to kick her to the curb afterwards. Rick isn’t the brightest of people.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-17h52m14s257

Lucky for Rick, our detectives get a hit that Sarah Hunter’s DNA was on the rock. You’d think Hunter would get Rick in the end, but she didn’t count on Detective Randall.

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-17h52m44s953

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-17h53m30s989

No one gets the final shot, but Detective Randall! Well, Erika Jordan gets in a shot too. I can’t think of any way to tie that in with Hunter playing Jade Empress in Bikini Avengers (2015). I’ve failed you.

Let’s wrap this up, Sal!

Detective Randall and Erika Jordan tell Sal the backstory on Hunter before getting a call for another case. Hunter was obsessive, which is what led her to become so attached to Rick that she killed to have him for herself.

“Pleasant dreams, my dear.”

vlcsnap-2016-09-30-17h55m13s199

This isn’t one of the best of these late night cable movies floating around. However, if you have to choose between this and Deadly Pickup, then this is definitely the one to watch. Billy Snow, Erika Jordan, and Sarah Hunter are three of the best actors in this movie. They carry the film. Deadly Pickup is dragged down by Carter Cruise trying to play a ditz when it really doesn’t seem to be in her wheelhouse. It’s noteworthy that this movie contains no girl-on-girl sex scenes. I was surprised. They always seem to find some way of working that in. I’m glad they didn’t though because it wouldn’t have made sense in this film, and they really do try to have a coherent story. The flashback sex scene is the only thing that stood out at me as not being necessary. You also get to see Jon Fleming do some acting instead of just showing up as a walking dead meat puppet in Deadly Pickup.

Still, I am waiting for one of these crime late night cable movies to measure up to Carnal Wishes (2015). Deadly Pickup is at the bottom, Wicked Deeds (2016) is in the middle, and this is the closest so far that I have seen.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


img_4347

Yes, you read the title of the post correctly. No matter how much that title sounds like a Lifetime movie–it isn’t. I’m not sure how Dean McKendrick beat Doug Campbell to that title.

This time around we have one of those good old misleading posters.

deadly-pickup-408567-poster

Death also gives top billing to an actor who is well-known, shows up for one sex scene, and then is killed off. Better than the cameo appearance from Amy Lindsay in Carnal Wishes (2015) that probably accounts for 80% of the views I have on that review. She had as much importance in that movie as Colonel Sanders did in The Phynx (1970).

The Phynx (1970, dir. Lee H. Katzin)

The Phynx (1970, dir. Lee H. Katzin)

That is to say, next to nothing.

That country road is also not to be found in the film. The car of course is impossible to be in this film considering it is a late night cable movie about a hitchhiker who kills her victims after having sex with them. There just isn’t enough room. You will also only see her hitchhike once in this film. However, she does pretty much look like that.

Anyways, the movie opens up with shots of the beach, including a seagull that is here to tell us Dean McKendrick also edited the film in addition to writing and directing it.

img_4382

Then we find out that Dean McKendrick and Sal V. Miers joined forces to bring us this movie.

img_4393

Does that mean we are going to get a genre spoof with progressive politics mixed together with sex? Not exactly.

Once the credits are done, our deadly pickup appears on the side of the road.

img_4408

That’s Breezy played by Carter Cruise. They call her that because the movie was written by Dean McKendrick.

She is picked up by Josh (Michael Hopkins). He is headed for the local state university. She plays along till they have killed enough time for a sex scene to happen.

Once the scene is complete, she sticks him with a poisonous ring, and he dies.

img_4719

She then makes a rather pitiful attempt to wipe the car of prints. That’s a little bit of the humor I would expect from Sal V. Miers since because it is softcore, there wouldn’t be the kind of DNA evidence you would expect from actual sex.

Now we meet a couple–Brian and Traci–who have a room for rent and are played by William F. Bryant and Kira Noir respectively.

img_4745

Maybe it’s just because I recently read someone else’s review of Clueless (1995), but I took one look at her, and thought: Porno Stacey Dash. It’s actually kind of clever what they do with her. She will only have sex with her husband, which in turn, foreshadows the ending of the movie. The instant they are done having an exposition conversation to setup the plot of the film, Breezy shows up at their door.

img_4764

Since none of the other actors are in need of a place to stay, they let her rent a room to help pay his college tuition while Traci works at a bar.

That’s when a cop shows up to discover the last sex scene.

img_4837

He is played by Billy Snow, and his character is Deputy Randall.

Next, Breezy decides to take the slowest shower ever. Seeing as Traci is working at the bar, Brian is left alone to stumble upon her in the shower, and seems to be enjoying it more than the audience.

img_4900

Traci gets home from work to find Brian very much in the mood for love. The plot will have to wait a bit.

img_5013

Now we cut to an office, or somebodies house, where we meet Sheriff Bates played by Michael Gaglio.

img_5319

You might recognize him from numerous films of this sort, but he has also appeared in and worked on other films such as Lifetime and SyFy movies. He even played Santa in the movie A Perfect Christmas List (2014).

He recognizes the M.O., and tells Randall to pull the file on a similar case in Nevada. He then sends him out to canvass the houses nearby where the incident occurred since there aren’t many in the area.

That’s plenty of plot for now, so Breezy discovers a guy named Rick (Jon Fleming) on the beach.

img_5431

Lucky for them, he has a van parked nearby so they won’t have to worry about the sand. This really makes me wonder. Does she seek out people who have cars large enough to have sex in? Does she let the ones who don’t, live? Doesn’t matter, once the scene is done, he gets pricked by the poisonous ring too.

Deputy Randall then shows up at Traci and Brian’s place. He talks to them about the situation. Then Breezy walks in, so he talks to her alone. As he is leaving, we get this shot of Carter Cruise looking devious.

img_5783

Now we cut to the bar where Traci works for that person who left a comment on my review of Bikini Model Mayhem (2016) that was disappointed they didn’t show the bartender more, and he didn’t have a sex scene.

img_5807

That’s Charlie, played by Cody Deal. This whole conversation exists so that Charlie can’t point out the obvious to Traci. That being, that if a murderer is on the loose and a random woman showed up to live at your house, that it’s a good idea to look into her a bit.

Then we cut to the police station where Deputy Randall gets a call that they found a dead body on the beach. What?!? We just saw him alive a few minutes ago in between the two scenes above.

img_5799

But seriously, he’s dead. I’m guessing something happened that I don’t recall, or they just decided they needed him killed off after some aborted plot they had in mind.

img_6248

In between, Sarah Hunter shows up to make her Sophia Loren in Operation Crossbow (1965) cameo appearance.

img_5929

Of course she ends up dead too. Breezy is an equal opportunity murderer. It’s a shame. I’m assuming since Sal V. Miers was involved in the production of this movie that after she broke out of prison in Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016), she lost her way, and wound up here to get murdered.

We’re getting down to the wire here as evidenced by Billy Snow’s intense look.

img_6347

Breezy and Randall have a conversation at the bar. Traci goes back home to snoop in Breezy’s room. Breezy goes with Deputy Randall back to the police station because she needs to accidentally knock over his coffee. That can mean only one thing.

img_6480

Since we need someone to stop Breezy, the sheriff shows up to interrupt her plans to murder him. The sheriff receives a call, and we find out Breezy’s real name is Brenda Johnson. She worked at her father’s factory that made rat poison.

Now Breezy catches Traci looking through her stuff, tries to seduce her, and is told she needs to be out by morning. Traci found some incriminating evidence, so she calls Deputy Randall. The call comes complete with flashbacks, and now Randall is out to catch Breezy.

But they save the best for last. Seriously, it’s like they were teasing the audience the whole time as to whether Charlie would have a scene. After they make good use of a pool table, Deputy Randall shows up to put a stop to the movie, so Breezy threatens to kill Charlie.

img_7181

It’s funny, but during this brief scene, Carter Cruise suddenly goes from she can’t act to save her life to I want to see her in something where she doesn’t play a murderous ditz. Deputy Randall takes the shot, and Billy Snow gets to deliver a line he was probably dying for the chance to say.

img_7210

Then we get what always feels weird when it happens in these movies–a happy ending I would expect from a mainstream TV Movie.

img_7260

They get $50,000 for turning in Breezy, it pays his college tuition, and they decide to have children.

In summary, we have a couple who is tempted to cheat on each other by a woman who moves in with them, and it ultimately brings them closer together by resisting her temptations.

It’s not the worst I’ve seen. I’ve seen far far worse, but I would recommend some of the other late night cable movies I’ve reviewed like Bikini Model Mayhem instead. This, like Wicked Deeds (2016), seems to have been made off the heels of the film noir Carnal Wishes, but it just doesn’t come together as well, nor is as interesting. Also, if you want to see Sarah Hunter in something decent that I’ve reviewed, then watch Bad Girls Behind Bars.

ALOHA! What is your deepest pit? #TheFundamentalsOfCaring


 

the_fundamentals_of_caring_poster

Ok, going to preface this review by just saying three things:

1: I needed a good cry movie tonight; I had to get some things out of my system.

2: The rest of this review might not be SFW!

Oh, forgot, the technicalities:

The Fundamentals of Caring is a Netflix original movie based on the book “The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving”  by Jonathan Evison

Stars:

Paul Rudd: as Ben  (Friends, Anchorman, 40-year-old virgin)

Selena Gomez: as Dot (Yeah, all that teenage stuff, singer turned amazing actress.)

Jennifer Ehle: as Elsa (Fifty Shades of Grey, The Black List, also born in my home town!)

Craig Roberts: as Trevor (Being Human, Red Oaks)

Director: (Emmy Award Winning) Rob Burnett

Plot:

A man (Rudd) after suffering a horrible loss decides to reach out and, not in his best interest, become a caregiver. Trevor (Roberts), a bitter kid without a Dad decides to take him on.  How does this end up? Well, on a road trip across the country with the kid he is there to care-give for, fountains of youth are found….In a deep dark pit between them….

Review:

I needed a good cry movie tonight, and The Fundamentals of Caring did that for me! Actually, Selena Gomez kinda took the movie in a way I wasn’t expecting.Got to give her a lot of props for what she did in it. Was it a great movie? By no means…Does it fill a deep pit in your soul when you need a movie to cry too?…Yes, it absolutely does!

The Fundamentals of Caring is on Netflix now… and if you want to see a trailer you can…..

WAIT…WAIT…WAIT…. I said there was three things in my preface!!

3: fuck you…No, Fuck you…NO…FUCK you!…Now Stand up and take your piss! Stand up and take a PISS!

Told ya, Not all of this review would be SFW!

 

BTW: Trevor Conklin was handsome and cool……ALOHA!

Film Review: Kidz in the Wood (1996, dir. Neal Israel)


vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h21m24s686

I don’t know how I come across these things. This was a Disney Channel movie that was filmed in 1994, but aired in 1996 starring Dave Thomas. It also has Candace Cameron before the Bure. The quality is low because somebody filmed this off their TV. Luckily they did a great job. It looks decent and sounded just fine.

Dave Thomas plays a teacher who works at every troubled school from every 90s movie ever. You know this immediately because of the gang stereotypes that walk over.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h23m09s885

That’s the big problem with this movie: stereotypes. They are all over this thing. That, and Dave Thomas whipping a Native American. The drug trip is a little weird too.

We meet some of our other main characters such as one played by David Lascher who you might recognize from Hey Dude and Sabrina, the Teenage Witch. He’s busy sexually harassing a blonde.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h25m20s658

Here’s Candace!

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h27m03s910

Ah, 90s! She is a bit of a nymphomaniac in this. I am quite sure that at one point she asks if an egg frying on her tongue will turn on a guy. She’ll turn on a dime too once she gets a talking to by a female teacher who gives her horrible advice.

Next we get a guy who is a hypochondriac played by Alfonso Ribeiro.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h30m29s023

Bill Clinton then rears his head.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h31m08s500

Dave Thomas makes an attempt to connect with his students about history. This includes trying to get the students to remember Robert E. Lee because they have seen The Crow (1994) with Brandon Lee.

Next we meet the 90s strong female stereotype named Ms. Duffy.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h37m05s473

Two actors from Stargate SG-1 are in here too, but what it comes down to is that Dave Thomas wants to take his kids on an Oregon Trail type trip. When I was a kid we just had a computer game that did it for us. The principal tells Ms. Duffy (Julia Duffy) to go with them and record Dave Thomas screwing up so they can fire him despite his tenure. There we have our movie.

At the end of the day, these three are the best part of the movie other than the Native American they travel with during part of the film.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h50m59s768

They will say every single 90s saying you can imagine. I’m shocked they missed “that’s the way I like it” or “homie don’t play that.”

It’s off to the woods for these kidz. But first we get the mandatory hanging the kid out of the bus window bit.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h55m12s479

In my day, we just held up signs for truckers driving past that said “honk if you’re horny.”

They arrive and we meet the hippest Native American I have ever seen in a movie.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h58m57s813

This guy is awesome. He is played by Byron Chief-Moon.

Then we are off on the trail where Dave Thomas promptly gets himself flung off the wagon.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h07m42s583

During this whole thing we are getting a voiceover narration from Thomas because he has ancestors that are tied to this whole thing. It will barely have anything to do with anything. Then Dave Thomas whips the Indian.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h12m39s897

Now Dave Thomas decides it is time to eat a berry. That berry is a hallucinogen, which immediately sends him on a drug trip.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h15m10s486

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h15m14s899

He even starts seeing everyone as if they were in old times. This includes the Indian.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h17m59s234

This is immediately followed by morons on the wagon.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h18m37s346

This was made for television.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h20m19s663

Throughout the remainder of the film, the three gang guys think they are going to escape and go to Vegas.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h22m14s173

Around the campfire, Ms. Duffy wants to sing something by Snoop Snoopy Dog.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h25m05s347

She seems to think all rap is about guns and violence when she attempts to rap herself. I’d love to say that kind of thinking is only from the 80s and 90s, but I heard this same nonsense in a “documentary” called The Mask You Live In from 2015 that is currently on Netflix. But enough about propaganda.

Oh, and Candace Cameron is thinking about sex.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h23m25s106

She even gets into Hey Dude’s sleeping bag before he gets there.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h33m41s359The next day Dave Thomas whips the Indian again.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h37m52s220

Then one more time for good measure before he realizes he doesn’t need the whip.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h39m45s229

After one of the wagons goes over in the water, the Indian goes on ahead where they are going to meet up eventually. This is done so that the teachers and the kids have their time to resolve their issues together.

Then Ms. Duffy gives Candace Cameron a sex talk. It amounts to stop being slutty and play hard to get instead. I’m pretty sure she actually uses the word “slutty”. Not exactly the right speech to give this girl. Maybe a simple, he’s obviously not interested, so you might want to move on would have done it. She can explore her sexuality as she pleases. She isn’t putting her or anyone else’s lives in danger.

Since all these people are idiots, they soon get themselves attacked by bees. That means it is time to put horse poop on Ms. Duffy.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h49m34s923

Even a skunk doesn’t want anything to do with her.

As all this goes on you get the typical stuff you would expect as the kids start coming around, the teachers start to like each other, and the three gang guys get scared by a bear.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h55m26s582

This leads right where you expect it to go.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-16h58m25s253

That’s right. The teachers fly off a cliff leaving the kids to think they are dead. I mean dead dead. They have no reason to believe they are alive. Here’s the cliff to drive home the point.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-17h03m23s799

Of course they caught a tree. I have to give Kidz in the Wood this.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-17h04m59s389

I actually believe that Dave Thomas and Julia Duffy are out in nature rather than Robert Redford and Nick Nolte in A Walk In The Woods (2015).

In the midst of all of this, the gang members found a map to hidden treasure, which they promptly light on fire with a magnifying glass.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-17h19m54s048

I mean a real fire.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-17h25m00s244

Eventually they all get back together and it all works out for the best. The kids return to class, pass, and graduate.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-17h49m50s545

Despite some of the inappropriate material and stereotypes, this was actually a reasonably enjoyable one of these kinds of movies. I’d recommend it.

Thank you to whomever this is that filmed their TV.

vlcsnap-2016-09-04-15h42m09s941

Film Review: The Year of the Sex Olympics (1968, dir. Michael Elliott)


vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h05m47s443

I’m only human. I make mistakes. During the past week or so, Jedadiah has been venturing into the wide world of Internet Archive. I happened to spot “Sex Olympics” as I was glancing through things related to our site. I figured it had to be a movie, and found this one. It turned out that he had reviewed a game, and I had just came across a movie that happened to have “Sex Olympics” in the title. I might as well talk about it.

As is often the case, some things appeared before the title card.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h05m28s040

That’s when they throw the Olympic Rings at you, which turn into male and female gender symbols.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h05m45s737

Apparently, coming sooner than we think is three men for every two women locked together in…I don’t know…an orgy?

It then answers that question with one of the few sexual things you will actually see in this “Sex Olympics” movie.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h05m59s137

These legs belong to two people who are having a sexploitation scene. Soon they and another couple are interrupted because they are on camera. We then go to the main set of the movie: Production Pod.

That’s where we meet our main character.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h19m48s752

I’m sure he has a name, but I am just going with Eyebrows. I could have called him Crazy Eyes since he does those a lot, but that could cause confusion with this lady.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h21m39s017

Then we meet the most important characters in the film: the audience.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h19m58s623

They are not happy with the current programming. After discussing how disgusting the audience is, our crew traps the lady above in an isolation booth so she can do the Sports Sex Presents segment which airs “Tonite And Every Nite”.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h21m19s622

She says stuff that I couldn’t bring myself to care about because I was too distracted by the theme song called The Year of the Sex Olympics.

We are introduced to contestants who are in heats to compete in the Sex Olympics–such as these two.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h22m04s541

The other guy in the Production Pod seems to like what he sees when the sex starts.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h23m35s858

They say things with British accents so I have no real idea except that their program is not selling well with the audience. That’s when The Coordinator comes in and takes Eyebrows somewhere else. They get something phallic to suck on called on a “Brightener”. It is supposed to cancel out your appetite. I assume your appetite for experience rather than your need for food.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h29m08s788

The gist of their conversation is that people like to watch. People are perfectly happy to live vicariously through others. We also get foreshadowing in the form of dystopian talk about removing things like war. I also managed to catch the older guy with this face.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h31m52s158

Now we cut to The Hungry Angry Show.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-15h33m48s744

Today we just call this Twitter and comments sections.

This scene must have been very difficult. They had to have a Custard Pie Fight Arranger.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-10h56m16s830

Mr. Peacock also needed five Custard Pie Experts to get it just right.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-10h56m19s782

It goes without saying that the audience is still not enjoying the programming. Actually, I think they are trying to keep them like that because it keeps them peaceful.

The next important thing is the ArtSex.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-16h58m29s790

This is as good a time as any other to mention that this was a TV Movie. I say that now because you can see I had to black box her breasts. I guess that means in 1968 the BBC allowed bare breasts on television of some kind. This part lasts seconds as the camera pulls back to show us Auto-Chess that I swear uses the same font as the WOPR computer from WarGames (1983).

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-16h58m49s505

It’s there so we can have the characters discussing philosophical topics. The guy who is standing at the Auto-Chess machine and directs the ArtSex show is getting rebellious. He wants to make images that make people feel again. This leads Eyebrows into a sex scene.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-17h31m00s663

Then we find out that the other guy’s images are actually stills. I think Eyebrows’ reaction here says it all.

vlcsnap-2016-08-30-18h07m44s058

This is basically the movie. Eyebrows gets more and more convinced that he must have actual experience instead of just delivering “Cool the people. Cool the world” apathy till he does something about it. Here is one of Auto-Chess guy’s pictures.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-09h10m32s104

Now the big issue is to make them laugh, so we go to a sad food fight. No luck. The audience still doesn’t change from their apathy. That is, till this happens to the Auto-Chess guy.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-09h29m14s568

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-09h29m24s118

The Coordinator thinks they have had a breakthrough, but Eyebrows wonders if that means they are going to kill someone every night. Once again, Eyebrows provides us with great reactions shots.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-09h33m25s074

Then Eyebrows comes up with the idea of doing the TV Show Survivor. He doesn’t actually call it that, but that’s what it is. He, a woman, and a kid are going to go to what I swear is the set of Man of Aran (1934) to live a “real” life.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-09h34m15s668

It feels like it takes them forever to finally get to the island. They call it The Live-Life Show, which will air 24/7.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-09h44m27s488

Here is our set.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-09h45m05s496

Despite the idea being that they are supposed to be trying to survive alone, two people do show up. The Production Pod says something has to happen, so they made sure there would be a story of some sort in the way of challenges.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-10h18m44s216

Been too long since a reaction shot from Eyebrows, so here you go.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-10h19m28s963

Of course things go wrong, and we end up with another dead body as well as the woman being dead too.

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-10h54m19s992

The audience loves it!

vlcsnap-2016-09-01-10h54m57s017

The people in the Production Pod also burst into laughter. Roll credits.

There you have The Year of the Sex Olympics. It is a cautionary tale that things like the Olympics and the coming Golden Age of Porn would replace actual experience. In other words, reality television will take over people’s lives, and leave them with nothing but an apathetic existence that may be peaceful, but isn’t life any more. My verdict is that it was surprisingly accurate in its’ prediction of the future of television that expanded to the Internet while not being so predictive of how it affected human behavior. People really haven’t become apathetic, but swung to the opposite with outrage culture and a cacophony of participation/sharing. Sometimes we get outraged over the dumbest things imaginable. During the past year or so my Twitter feed has been filled with people throwing custard pie at each other over a movie about people shooting imaginary things at other imaginary things. However, I never once saw outrage over the poster of God’s Not 2 (2016) equating imaginary persecution of Christians in schools with the Holocaust.

GND2_Poster

Still, it is an amazing time to live in.

Feel free to interpret The Year of the Sex Olympics as you see fit. They definitely saw things coming that we have with us today, but there are certainly different ways you can tie it to the current state of the world.

The Year of the Sex Olympics is worth seeing as one of those Twilight Zone type social commentary movies disguised as sci-fi. Just don’t expect any sex. The title is bait.

Listen Close; You’ll never get it out of your head #Earworm


earworn

Writer and Director: Tara Price

Stars: Ernest Thomas

Production: Dirigo Entertainment

Have you ever woken up one morning with a song stuck in your head, just bouncing around, like you can never get it out?

Yeah?….Well, this is not the song you want to wake up to tomorrow!

In Tara Price’s new short film Earworm, that is what it is all about. What can you take? The relentless, unending things on (in) your mind can take everything out of you.

Preview:

For a short film (Thomas)  gives everything, literally, everything. And Tara knows how to write, direct and tell the story she wants!

After watching the trailer, I went to bed with my earholes tightly closed!

If you would like to see a trailer for Earworm movie you can here!