Ever wanted to watch Dean McKendrick and some of his usual late night cable actors try to spoof a Hallmark movie? I’m glad I have now.
You could take that title card, put in the title of a Hallmark movie, and not have to change anything else about it.
The movie starts off with narration from Christine Nguyen. She introduces us to the prince of Cratonia named Steven (Kyle Knies). Steven’s father is not happy about his son being a bachelor.
Sarah Hunter is his secretary named Samantha. She shows up to tell the audience that there is going to be some business dealings with an American company, so that he will have an excuse to meet Cinderella.
The movie wastes no time cutting to Cindy (Karlie Montana) who works at Universal Imports. She’s not having the best of days. At least she isn’t getting fired for wearing that top to work.
In fact, her boss Patrick (William F. Bryant) is concerned about her, and invites her into his Godfather office.
Why does he have that?
Also, I guess he didn’t live happily ever after with Kira Noir at the end of The Deadly Pickup (2016).
The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)
As you can read, she is getting kicked out of her apartment. Her boss does what any good boss would do to make sure an intern doesn’t lose their position by having to get a job. He gives her a spare room at his house.
Patrick could die tomorrow, and no one where he lives would care.
Then we meet his wife, Mona, played by Beverly Lynne.
That’s a face you can trust. She plays the wicked stepmother character.
They have a butler who has a name within the film, but I think his stage name will do just fine.
If I had to sum-up Regis’ character in this film, then it would be like the maî·tre d in Barbara Broadcast (1977). That guy has to be given a blow job by any waitress or costumer who drops dishes, a glass, or a vase–anything breakable. He doesn’t seem to get any pleasure from it. It’s part of the job for him. He really seems to just want to go about his business managing the restaurant.
Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)
That’s Regis. With that in mind, it has been a whole five minutes of runtime.
By the time they shot this film, Lynne was 43 years-old. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to see her get a scene. You don’t usually see that in one of these late night cable movies.
Immediately after they finish, Patrick shows up to tell us that his company will have some dealings with the prince.
What’s missing? We have Cinderella. We have the wicked stepmother. We have the father who sometimes is part of the Cinderella story. It’s the stepsisters we need.
Enter Grace (Blair Williams) and Sylvia (Penny Pax). This isn’t the Emma Marx from the first film. This is Penny Pax circa the sequels to The Submission Of Emma Marx (2013).
They’re exactly what you would expect–ditzy and entitled.
Patrick tells them Cindy is coming, and we move onto the next scene.
And that is all you need to see of the next scene. That is all there is to it. This is the only time they meet until much later. This quick, casual, and super-short scene.
Wait a second, this place was burned to the ground in Paranormal Sexperiments (2016).
Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)
I don’t like it when different films that use the same sets break continuity.
Patrick brings Cindy home. She gets the reception you would expect from the sisters.
Penny Pax, presumedly because she’s sick of her dress causing her to blend in with the bed…
grabs Regis, and drags him to another room. They must really expect privacy in this house because they never close the door.
It even appears to have confused one of the actors or crew members, because they get caught in this shot.
I was confused too. The movie was expecting me to get into this sex scene with those three pink dogs in the background? I couldn’t stop looking at them throughout this part.
The next morning, they make an immigration joke…
before Patrick tells us he is going to hop a plane to go see Steven on his native movie-set.
To quote Christine Nguyen, Cindy has been left in a “den of vipers.” I think Cindy is wondering about that statue behind her. I certainly was.
They make Cindy fetch a bottle of wine.
After arriving in Cratonia, Patrick and Samantha hit it off well. They have sex…
we see an Instagram photo…
and Patrick dies along with everyone onboard the plane.
Christine Nguyen tells us this via voiceover narration in a very nonchalant and upbeat way.
Oh, well. Goodbye, Patrick. We hardly knew you.
Anyways, Nguyen finally decides to show up as Cindy’s fairy godmother.
Cindy’s main problem is that she is lonely. With a little magic, Cindy’s fairy godmother is naked, and ready to pleasure Cindy.
That’s because even James Franco had his mind blown in Interior. Leather Bar. (2013) about the fact that he could be making a movie with pornographic sequences in it and the Disney film Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) at the same time.
It makes sense that these two would end up together. They already did this in a previous movie.
College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)
I have two problems with this scene.
The first is that picture of a pineapple on the wall. The second is the tiara. It’s a little difficult to pay attention when you keep wondering how that is going to stay on.
Mona now visits a cameo appearance by Ryan Driller in order to find out that her husband was in a lot of debt, and she’s stuck with it. This part only exists so they can’t pay Regis to stay around, and can con Cindy into doing their bidding in exchange for continuing to stay with them. That’s how she is going to slip into the standard Cinderella role.
We also find out that Regis comes from Iowa and is probably going end up shoveling pig shit.
“Pig shit” must be the magic phrase though, because Grace decides to have sex with him before he leaves.
Now we can skip over some things because it’s the standard Cinderella stuff. The only thing you need to know is that Steven decides to hold a New Year’s Eve party in America.
Cindy has a shower scene so she can have a couple of flashbacks. One of the two flashbacks is to the only time Steven and her have been in a room together up to this point. It’s as if they felt they needed to remind you that they even know each other.
Moaning about not being able to go to the ball, a visit from The Fairy Godmother, and we are at the party.
I beg to differ. What about that tattoo on her arm?
Inside, you know the deal. Hi there, guy on the right.
She ends up running away from the party and The Fairy Godmother’s magic is faulty as usual. It leaves one of the shoes intact.
Steven wants her tracked down, and he’ll creep out Sarah Hunter if he has to in order to find her.
He arrives at what appears to be the entrance to a different house that was used in Bikini Model Mayhem (2015).
Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)
After you get over the red Buddha sitting next to a plant in the shape of hair on a troll doll, he has found her. They consummate the shoe fitting.
They live happily ever after.
Mona and her daughters are turned into “scullery maids.”
And I guess Regis went back to Iowa. He gets no closure in this film.
That was different from the usual. The acting is fine all-around. They really did take a generic Hallmark plot and add sex to it. I didn’t like seeing Penny Pax play this kind of character. However, if you haven’t seen her play Emma Marx, then I can’t see it bothering you. The sex stuff was fine even if they really should have taken some of the humorous things out of the room. I mean I liked them for the purposes of having fun with this movie. But if you are watching it for the sex, then I could see it being distracting, and taking you out of the moment. The plot is Cinderella. You know the story.
This one is about average.