Late Night Cable Review: Cinderella’s Hot Night (2017, dir. Dean McKendrick)


Ever wanted to watch Dean McKendrick and some of his usual late night cable actors try to spoof a Hallmark movie? I’m glad I have now.

You could take that title card, put in the title of a Hallmark movie, and not have to change anything else about it.

The movie starts off with narration from Christine Nguyen. She introduces us to the prince of Cratonia named Steven (Kyle Knies). Steven’s father is not happy about his son being a bachelor.

Sarah Hunter is his secretary named Samantha. She shows up to tell the audience that there is going to be some business dealings with an American company, so that he will have an excuse to meet Cinderella.

The movie wastes no time cutting to Cindy (Karlie Montana) who works at Universal Imports. She’s not having the best of days. At least she isn’t getting fired for wearing that top to work.

In fact, her boss Patrick (William F. Bryant) is concerned about her, and invites her into his Godfather office.

Why does he have that?

Also, I guess he didn’t live happily ever after with Kira Noir at the end of The Deadly Pickup (2016).

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

As you can read, she is getting kicked out of her apartment. Her boss does what any good boss would do to make sure an intern doesn’t lose their position by having to get a job. He gives her a spare room at his house.

Patrick could die tomorrow, and no one where he lives would care.

Then we meet his wife, Mona, played by Beverly Lynne.

That’s a face you can trust. She plays the wicked stepmother character.

They have a butler who has a name within the film, but I think his stage name will do just fine.

If I had to sum-up Regis’ character in this film, then it would be like the maî·tre d in Barbara Broadcast (1977). That guy has to be given a blow job by any waitress or costumer who drops dishes, a glass, or a vase–anything breakable. He doesn’t seem to get any pleasure from it. It’s part of the job for him. He really seems to just want to go about his business managing the restaurant.

Barbara Broadcast (1977, dir. Radley Metzger)

That’s Regis. With that in mind, it has been a whole five minutes of runtime.

By the time they shot this film, Lynne was 43 years-old. I can’t tell you how refreshing it was to see her get a scene. You don’t usually see that in one of these late night cable movies.

Immediately after they finish, Patrick shows up to tell us that his company will have some dealings with the prince.

What’s missing? We have Cinderella. We have the wicked stepmother. We have the father who sometimes is part of the Cinderella story. It’s the stepsisters we need.

Enter Grace (Blair Williams) and Sylvia (Penny Pax). This isn’t the Emma Marx from the first film. This is Penny Pax circa the sequels to The Submission Of Emma Marx (2013).

They’re exactly what you would expect–ditzy and entitled.

Patrick tells them Cindy is coming, and we move onto the next scene.

And that is all you need to see of the next scene. That is all there is to it. This is the only time they meet until much later. This quick, casual, and super-short scene.

Wait a second, this place was burned to the ground in Paranormal Sexperiments (2016).

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)

I don’t like it when different films that use the same sets break continuity.

Patrick brings Cindy home. She gets the reception you would expect from the sisters.

Penny Pax, presumedly because she’s sick of her dress causing her to blend in with the bed…

grabs Regis, and drags him to another room. They must really expect privacy in this house because they never close the door.

It even appears to have confused one of the actors or crew members, because they get caught in this shot.

I was confused too. The movie was expecting me to get into this sex scene with those three pink dogs in the background? I couldn’t stop looking at them throughout this part.

The next morning, they make an immigration joke…

before Patrick tells us he is going to hop a plane to go see Steven on his native movie-set.

To quote Christine Nguyen, Cindy has been left in a “den of vipers.” I think Cindy is wondering about that statue behind her. I certainly was.

They make Cindy fetch a bottle of wine.

After arriving in Cratonia, Patrick and Samantha hit it off well. They have sex…

we see an Instagram photo…

and Patrick dies along with everyone onboard the plane.

Christine Nguyen tells us this via voiceover narration in a very nonchalant and upbeat way.

Oh, well. Goodbye, Patrick. We hardly knew you.

Anyways, Nguyen finally decides to show up as Cindy’s fairy godmother.

Cindy’s main problem is that she is lonely. With a little magic, Cindy’s fairy godmother is naked, and ready to pleasure Cindy.

That’s because even James Franco had his mind blown in Interior. Leather Bar. (2013) about the fact that he could be making a movie with pornographic sequences in it and the Disney film Oz the Great and Powerful (2013) at the same time.

It makes sense that these two would end up together. They already did this in a previous movie.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

I have two problems with this scene.

The first is that picture of a pineapple on the wall. The second is the tiara. It’s a little difficult to pay attention when you keep wondering how that is going to stay on.

Mona now visits a cameo appearance by Ryan Driller in order to find out that her husband was in a lot of debt, and she’s stuck with it. This part only exists so they can’t pay Regis to stay around, and can con Cindy into doing their bidding in exchange for continuing to stay with them. That’s how she is going to slip into the standard Cinderella role.

We also find out that Regis comes from Iowa and is probably going end up shoveling pig shit.

“Pig shit” must be the magic phrase though, because Grace decides to have sex with him before he leaves.

Now we can skip over some things because it’s the standard Cinderella stuff. The only thing you need to know is that Steven decides to hold a New Year’s Eve party in America.

Cindy has a shower scene so she can have a couple of flashbacks. One of the two flashbacks is to the only time Steven and her have been in a room together up to this point. It’s as if they felt they needed to remind you that they even know each other.

Moaning about not being able to go to the ball, a visit from The Fairy Godmother, and we are at the party.

I beg to differ. What about that tattoo on her arm?

Inside, you know the deal. Hi there, guy on the right.

She ends up running away from the party and The Fairy Godmother’s magic is faulty as usual. It leaves one of the shoes intact.

Steven wants her tracked down, and he’ll creep out Sarah Hunter if he has to in order to find her.

He arrives at what appears to be the entrance to a different house that was used in Bikini Model Mayhem (2015).

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

Bikini Model Mayhem (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

After you get over the red Buddha sitting next to a plant in the shape of hair on a troll doll, he has found her. They consummate the shoe fitting.

They live happily ever after.

Mona and her daughters are turned into “scullery maids.”

And I guess Regis went back to Iowa. He gets no closure in this film.

That was different from the usual. The acting is fine all-around. They really did take a generic Hallmark plot and add sex to it. I didn’t like seeing Penny Pax play this kind of character. However, if you haven’t seen her play Emma Marx, then I can’t see it bothering you. The sex stuff was fine even if they really should have taken some of the humorous things out of the room. I mean I liked them for the purposes of having fun with this movie. But if you are watching it for the sex, then I could see it being distracting, and taking you out of the moment. The plot is Cinderella. You know the story.

This one is about average.

Late Night Cable Horror Review: Paranormal Sexperiments (2016, dir. Terrance Ryker)


The movie opens up with a shot of a house from Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015) and College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015).

Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Inside, we meet Cosgrove (Robert Donavan). He starts off the film talking to a painting of Erika Jordan who plays Lady Dracovich. He tells her that she thought she would live forever, but that death got her anyways. He seems to imply that he had something to do with her death.

Of course within seconds of him walking away, she appears on the stairs to make a threat, and start the opening credits.

Now it’s time to meet our main character. That would be Cindy, played by Blair Williams. She’s visiting Madame Zola, played Kira Noir.

After saying some stuff, Zola presses a remote control, and releases some special effects.

I think the ghosts are at the bottom of the screen, and not on the ceiling, Cindy.

It’s pretty funny. She will look almost every direction except where we see the ghosts.

Cindy wants to know her future. Zola lays it on pretty thick. All you need to know is that she has a glowing ball, a remote control for effects, and she recently “repossessed” the powers of the psychic world that allow her to know all.

In order to help Cindy, Zola needs to know what Cindy’s fears are. Those would be the following:

  1. Enclosed spaces
  2. Open spaces
  3. Hot food
  4. Cold food
  5. Gluten-free food
  6. Children
  7. Vampires
  8. Birds
  9. Cornucopias

I’d like to think that’s Kira Noir wondering why they couldn’t get Jacqui Holland to play this role. Holland appears to have gone back to making B-movie horror films.

So, let me get this straight about Cindy’s fears.

  1. She’s afraid of where almost every scene in this movie will take place.
  2. She’s afraid of the very few times she will be outside.
  3. She can’t eat…
  4. She can’t eat the cakes that show up later.
  5. I’m assuming the cake is gluten-free.
  6. So are the filmmakers, which is why there is always legal info at the end of the credits concerning the age of the actors.
  7. Vampires don’t live here anymore. McKendrick made sure to clean them out after Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills.
  8. Who isn’t afraid that the placeholder on IMDb for a remake of The Birds is going to turn into a real movie?
  9. I guess she’s afraid of the ending of the movie then.

I’m being harsh on Blair. She isn’t the best at the bimbo routine, nor the evil one, but she pulls off both well-enough for this movie. I don’t have any real complaints about her performance.

After a few more lines of dialog, they have sex. It makes sense because…I have no idea.

Now we follow Blair home to find out that rent is due.

And by home, I of course mean the room from The Love Machine (2016) and Model For Murder (2015).

The Love Machine (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

We also meet Cindy’s roommate Sara (Morgan Lee). The last time I saw her was in a small role in the movie Carnal Wishes (2015).

Carnal Wishes (2015, dir. Jon Taylor)

As you can see, she finds it a bit ridiculous that with rent due, Blair went and saw Madame Zola, regardless of Cindy’s assurances that she got her money’s worth. Oh, and their landlord’s name is Mr. Catwhistle. I just thought I’d mention that.

They get a knock on the door. It’s Cosgrove. He’s here to deliver nonsense.

Dracovich wasn’t liked in life, so she left instructions that the first person who pushed the “like” button on her My Spacebook page would inherit her estate. Yes, they really say “My Spacebook.” It’s no dumber than Degrassi’s Facerange. The news causes them to make a stupid joke.

As you might have already guessed because you’ve seen this plot in a million other movies before, there is a catch. They need to protect a book, or they lose the estate.

They aren’t allowed to read it either.

Now it’s time to meet Professor Gordon. He’s played by Andrew Espinoza Long.

Cindy wants some leave from her class to deal with this estate business, which is fine by him. During this, he is having some trouble with Carter Cruise under the desk. I’m just going to assume she dropped a pencil down there, and was to embarrassed to popup while Cindy was still there.

Why is she wearing a graduation cap and gown? I don’t know. Here’s a shot of Long’s chest to distract you.

It’s like I caught him in the middle of posing for a perfume ad. They had sex of course in case you were confused as to why he is half-naked.

Blair pays a visit to Madame Zola so she can give her an ominous warning, which is ignored, and followed by Blair and Sara going to the Dracovich estate. We see that same overhead shot from Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills as they enter the house.

Erotic Vampires Of Beverly Hills (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

They head upstairs. On their way up, Sara looks at the portrait, and we find out that she would have sex with Dracovich if she were alive. Naturally, Cindy touches the painting, becomes possessed by Dracovich…

and they have sex. Some people smash a champagne bottle to christen something new. Others have a sex scene, so that they can poke fun at the woman always keeping her heels on by having Cindy barefoot while Sara leaves her sneakers on.

If you’re thinking this seems like a lot of sex so far, then you’d be right. This is only a half-hour into the movie, and there’s already been three scenes. There’s a lot in this one.

Cosgrove shows up at the house. His Dracovich sense must have been tingling.

This is as good a time as any to bring up that the best scenes in this movie are with Donavan. He does a good job. I like it when they get in an established actor to be in these. Even if by “established”, I mean he was in Trancers 6 (2002).

Trancers 6 (2002, dir. Jay Woelfel)

Trancers 6 (2002, dir. Jay Woelfel)

The actual reason he is at the house is because he needs Cindy–who is still possessed–to sign some papers.

We find out that Dracovich was a sexual predator. If you were a man, then she’d turn you into her servant. If you were a woman, then she’d turn you into her slave. And I’m sure if you were gender-fluid, then she’d turn you into a synonym for servant or slave.

Talking, talking, Cosgrove probably pushed her off the stairs to kill her, Dracovich leaves Cindy’s body, Cindy is wondering why she thinks she’s been licked all over, and we are back at professor Gordon’s office.

Cathy (Carter Cruise) brings in a cake.

Close enough to “Happy homecoming.”

These two plan to go over to the Dracovich house because they don’t have any other sets to loot.

Kira Noir takes a shower so that we know that while Blair will never change clothes during this movie, at least Madame Zola is clean.

She gets a threatening call from Dracovich telling her to stay away. She knows that it’s Lady Dracovich because she hung up on her. I’m not kidding.

Back home, it’s time for a Ouija board to make a cameo appearance.

I’m sorry. I mean a Witchboard, as they call it. I haven’t seen the Witchboard movies yet, but the third one has the subtitle of “The Possession”, so it fits.

The letter thing moves, and that’s the cue for Gordon and Cathy to come in to present them with the cake.

Gordon goes off with Blair to talk about the mystery surrounding when exactly during this scene Dracovich possessed her again. All that I saw was the camera angle change. This turns on Gordon, and they proceed to have sex.

I couldn’t be less interested in this scene. Yes, the sex scenes do little for me except to allow me to not have to take as many screenshots since I can’t show those parts. But the reason this scene is particularly uninteresting to me is that once you’ve seen Long go at it with three cheerleaders in this same room, than this is really boring.

College Coeds vs. Zombie Housewives (2015, dir. Dean McKendrick)

If there’s only one sex scene I remember from any of these movies that I’ve reviewed, it’s that one.

Cathy is looking exactly where anyone would for valuables–the kitchen cabinets.

The cake opens up on her to reveal a reference to the Art PA’s pseudonym.

Now Dracovich decides to make a personal appearance. She tells Cathy that she can’t have the book unless Cathy distracts her.

Notice that the clock says it is 3:16 in the afternoon. Part way into the distraction, it will be 4:17. Is that how long they were actually going at it?

You can also see someone reflected in the oven.

I hope Erika Jordan got hazard pay. It looks like at any moment she could have hit the back of her head on the corner of the countertop.

Sara now goes around the house looking for people, and Cosgrove shows up.

At the same time, Cathy wakes up on the floor. She finds the book on the counter. She opens it so that she can become possessed.

Cosgrove comes in and takes the book before going to chew out the painting of Dracovich. We find out here that he did kill her. According to him, Dracovich can come back to life if she has a male sacrifice. He thinks there are only women here, so it won’t be an issue. He hears a woman moan, which tells him Dracovich is up to something. I’m not sure why. In this movie, that could mean some of the girls are celebrating the opening of a door.

Since there is very little time left in the movie, he is right, and finds Professor Gordon tied up on a bed having an orgy. Madame Zola shows up seemingly just to join the party. Sara jumps in too.

Off to the side of the bed, we can see Dracovich appearing to orchestrate the action.

This place really reminds me of one of the rooms in David DeCoteau’s house.

Cosgrove waits around for awhile so that we can watch before he ends the scene by opening the book. They all get zapped, but I can only show you Dracovich.

Cindy tells him he did a good job stopping Dracovich. But she wonders why he felt the need to do it so fast considering how quickly he was able to dispatch her.

It makes perfect sense, Cindy. He set the house on fire.

End of movie.

This isn’t a bad one of these movies. There is too much sex and the plot is barely existent. However, Donavan is good. It was nice to see Carter Cruise again in a role that wasn’t a complete ditz. Long was funny as usual. There were some humorous lines that I couldn’t show you because I forgot to turn on subtitles. They kept having Blair Williams say words that are almost what she means to say. There’s a little bit between her and Morgan Lee about Dracovich and Malkovich–vich is vich?

Ultimately, this one is only worth it if you are just looking for sex. There isn’t a whole lot more to it.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: The Love Machine (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


It’s been awhile since I wrote a review of a feature film. Let’s see if I can still get through one of these. How hard can it be? It’s a Dean McKendrick movie.

If you’re gonna watch this, then I hope you have seen McKendrick’s The Deadly Pickup (2016) and Model For Murder (2016) since this is basically a third film in what could be an unofficial trilogy.

The movie begins, and we see what looks like an amplifier with two voltage gauges, a pressure gauge stuck on top, and something that shoots a beam out of it, which I’m sure comes from another one of McKendrick’s films.

Much like this set, which is where Sarah Hunter’s character from Model For Murder was killed.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

In this film, Carter Cruise is playing Bair. She is in a session with psychologist, Dr. Stephanie Bradshaw (Jennifer Korbin). Bradshaw asks her what she does when she sees an attractive man. She wants to know what her first thoughts are. Those first thoughts are of stock footage from The Deadly Pickup.

The opening kill.

And Rick!

You remember Rick, right? He’s the guy who got pricked with her poisonousness ring, yet still managed to stumble from the car where they had sex…

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

so that he could die somewhere else.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Then he came back in Model For Murder as a photographer.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

There’s also a flashback to Charlie who had to be rescued from Cruise by Deputy Randall.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Don’t worry, Deputy Randall, who was promoted to detective in Model For Murder, makes a return in this film. Like Cruise, he is playing a different character. However, unlike Cruise, he is played by Billy Snow via the pseudonym of Alan Long. Makes sense to use the name of an actor from 1975’s Pick-up.

After the reused footage, the doctor turns up the dial on the machine, then asks her again what she wants to do with the attractive man.

Perfect! I can’t say the same about these opening credits though. This dance number with Erika Jordan goes on just short of forever.

It only exists so she can give a lap dance to one of our main characters, Don (Justin Berti), in order to introduce us to him.

It also gives me an excuse to wonder what led her from working as a detective to dancing at this club.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Also, Don has gone from managing models to sadly having to visit this strip club.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

After a shot of a street somewhere, we cut to the bedroom where Erika Jordan and Billy Snow had sex in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

This is where we meet Don’s wife, Jane (Alice Haig). They are having trouble with their marriage. He wants to try couples therapy, but she is reluctant, so he leaves to sleep on the couch, which judging by the paint on the walls, is probably in the same building as the room from earlier.

Meanwhile, at the $20 Oil Change…

Don strikes up a conversation with his friend John (Michael Hopkins) concerning his marriage problems.

I know I said something similar when I talked about Model For Murder, but welcome back to the world of the living, Josh. You might remember Michael Hopkins as Carter Cruise’s first victim in The Deadly Pickup. Or you don’t, because you have a life, haven’t seen all three movies, and certainly haven’t paid this much attention to them.

We also get the return of Sheriff Bates…

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

except this time Michael Gaglio owns this $20 Oil Change.

And I got this humorous shot of Justin Berti.

It doesn’t have to do with anything. I just thought I’d share it with you.

John suggests a therapist that worked for him and his wife, Angie.

Then we get what looks like a new set.

Sure, it appears to have been decorated by the same people who did the police station in The Deadly Pickup, but I couldn’t find it anywhere else.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Inside, the doctor gets the story from Don and Jane about their troubles while they sit on the couch that Rick had sex on in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Of course she’s an ideal candidate to be zapped by that machine. The questions ultimately lead the doctor to asking Jane about her sexual fantasies. This time we don’t get stock footage. It’s just another reused set. She dreams of sunbathing on the set of the sexual encounter with a murder victim her husband told police about in Model For Murder.

Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

And of course there’s a pool boy (Robbie Caroll). You may remember him as the police officer who arrested Katie Morgan at the beginning of Vixens From Venus (2016).

Vixens From Venus (2016, dir. Sal V. Miers)

Much like Jordan, his career seems to be on the downswing. He was once a police officer, and now he’s been reduced to being a pool boy.

This is the first sex scene of the movie. I would love to have heard the conversation on the other end of this that Jane was having with the doctor.

While this scene happens, we are treated to a few minutes of a soundalike of Take Five by The Dave Brubeck Quartet.

The session went well, and a follow-up appointment is set.

Now we get to find out what the outcome of these treatments is when we get to meet John’s wife, Angie (Pepper XO).

A call comes in from the therapist who tells Angie that “it’s time.” That means it’s time to have sex on Brian and Traci’s bed from The Deadly Pickup.

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

It also means that it’s time for John to die from a corkscrew to the chest.

The next morning, Jane tells Don that she thinks the treatments are going well, and Don goes off to work to have the bad news broken to him about his friend being killed. But before Don receives the bad news, we get to see that the $20 Oil Change has an SBC payphone in 2016.

Gaglio breaks the news to Don, which leads the film to immediately cut to two people having sex on a leopard-print bed. I have no idea who they are.

She gets a call from the doctor, and he’s dead.

Now Jane meets Jeff (Billy Snow). If he looks worried here…

it’s because of who his wife is.

Jane goes in for another treatment. While she is under the control of the machine, the doctor forces herself upon Jane. No joke. They really could have left this scene out–no matter how short it is.

Don now breaks the news to Jane about John’s death so that we know the two of them have a reason to start being suspicious of the doctor. That’s not important though, because the scene that I was waiting for, finally happens.

Breezy finally gets her revenge on Deputy Randall. Does the rest of the film really matter now?

Okay, fine. Jane is lying in bed when she has a dream of Christine Nguyen doing a shower scene. I’m not kidding. They randomly inserted a shower scene by having Jane dream about one out of the blue for no apparent reason.

With the death of Billy Snow, Don is convinced things are fishy with the doctor, and he tries to talk Jane out of seeing her. It doesn’t work.

Then they have another shower scene. I have to give them some credit. They do end it with pertinent information to the plot. Jane remembers the doctor’s “Kill him” line.

Don does some intense research online about the doctor.

Long story short, something bad happened to her, so she’s taking revenge on other people.

Don now races to save his wife from this monster. Unfortunately, Don’s an idiot, and Jane zaps him with the machine, leading to a sex scene. However, since we are at the end of the film, when Jane pulls a gun to shoot him, he takes it away from her.

The doctor comes in, and I kind of love Don because he doesn’t hesitate for second. She pulls a knife, and he shoots her.

A quick shot at the machine, and Jane is free from its power. A couple lines of dialog are exchanged, then the movie abruptly ends.

So, that’s The Love Machine.

For the people watching for entertainment value, it doesn’t have much to offer other than getting to see Carter Cruise do in Billy Snow.

For people watching for the sex, it doesn’t have much either. There are a couple of sex scenes, and two shower scenes shoehorned into the movie. The one scene of girl-on-girl is kind of disturbing seeing as the doctor does sexually assault her. Then the movie adds confusion since that encounter is what appears to trigger her to have a dream about a woman taking a shower. Yet, it’s never followed up on.

I almost would have preferred the doctor to win in the end by taking Jane away with her. Sure, it would have been dark, but it would have been something memorable about this movie.

I can’t recommend this one.

Bollywood Horror: Indian A Nightmare on Elm Street/The Monster/Mahakaal (1993, dir. Shyam Ramsay & Tulsi Ramsay)


vlcsnap-2016-10-04-16h47m07s231

This is my very first foray into the genre of Bollywood Horror. In fact, I wasn’t even aware this was a thing. I just knew that while looking for foreign knock-offs of famous American films, this one showed up on my radar. I decided to save it for October. Little did I know that this film came with a decade or so of horror films made by Bollywood prior to it. Even while I called this movie the Indian A Nightmare on Elm Street in the title of this post, it wasn’t really the first one. It’s just the one that is most well-known, and was an intentional remake of the original. Well-known to the point that it was even included in the Elm Street retrospective film Never Sleep Again: The Elm Street Legacy (2010). The other is very easy to find, but has no English subtitles.

This movie was done by the Ramsay brothers who were pioneers of the genre. While Khooni Murdaa (1989) wasn’t a remake of A Nightmare on Elm Street (1984), you can see below why it became an issue for the Ramsay brothers who were in the middle of making their film when it was released.

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Khooni Murdaa (1989, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

As a result, they either tweaked kills from the original movie, kept the style of the kill, or simply went with a kill from one of the other Elm Street movies. Full confession: I have only seen the first two, so I won’t be able to make sure I know which films all of the kills come from. With that little bit of exposition out of the way, let’s have some fun.

The movie begins with a shot of what looks like some sort of humanoid that appears like they are being crucified on a skull. Then the movie goes ahead and gives a shot of Freddy’s eyes.

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Then we meet Seema (Kunika) as she wanders around Indian Freddy’s Boiler Room.

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Eventually she runs into Freddy. Well, she runs into his claws to be more specific.

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Note that she does indeed take it to the the stomach because she will wake up to simply find claw marks on her arm.

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That’s a pretty nasty wound that you’d think she’d show somebody, but she won’t for awhile. Instead, it’s time for the directing credits to show up blinking like an old website before cutting to Anita (Archana Puran Singh) putting up a picture that appears to be somebody fighting a bear.

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If that doesn’t make any sense to you, then don’t worry, because none of the tone whiplash in this movie is going to make sense.

We then meet the family, including her boyfriend Prakash (Karan Shah). I don’t recall anything about Nancy’s mother from A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984), but Anita’s father is with the police in this one.

Now we cut to her school where we meet the head of what I assume is the Tutankhamun gang.

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He is telling everyone that someday, Anita will be his. This is as good a time as any to mention that Anita’s regular life in this movie comes across as worse than Freddy coming after her.

Then we cut to what must be a restaurant rather than a cafeteria.

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It was nice of Rambo to make an appearance in this movie. The same goes for Michael Jackson.

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That’s when the movie’s extremely annoying comic relief (Johnny Lever) enters the room. And what song off the Bad album would play for his entrance, but Thriller.

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That was on the Bad album, right?

This guy is less like the “bad” Michael Jackson was singing about, and more like what Huey Lewis & The News were singing about in Bad Is Bad. He’s the worst.

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Now Anita shows up sporting a bandage where she was wounded. For some reason they cut from Seema getting attacked in her sleep to a similar looking woman and her boyfriend. It was confusing, and it didn’t help that IMDb says that Anita is the center of attention, not Seema. I got them screwed up over and over throughout this film till I knew for sure that Seema was dead. Also, the self-referential joke that turns into breaking the fourth wall here isn’t funny. Nothing he says or does is funny.

Oh, and did I mention this guy is the worst with enough emphasis? In case I didn’t, when the Tutankhamun guy shows up, this guy proceeds to sexually assault him.

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Don’t worry, Tutankhamun guy will get his turn to do some sexual assaulting of his own.

Once that is done, we get our first musical number. I’m sure that Wes Craven always intended his film to have musical numbers in them. Actually, I wouldn’t be surprised if he felt flattered, and thought this movie was hilarious. Stupid, but hilarious. I say that because when you watch the movie, you can tell the Ramsay Brothers were fans of the original. If you cut out the parts that don’t fit for an American market (inappropriate and otherwise), then you actually have an interesting variation on the original that also brought together parts from the other films in the series. As for this musical number, I think the Ramsay Brothers decided to work in From Here To Eternity (1953) for some reason.

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I have to guess at which girl is Anita and which one is Seema here. I believe this one is Anita. This musical number seems to be here just to include breasts…

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and a crotch shot.

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After finding out that Tutankhamun guy’s friend is a fan of Siouxsie and the Banshees based on his shirt, Anita finally shows somebody those gigantic wounds on her arm. Unlike Nancy in the first film, Anita really doesn’t take an active role in fighting Freddy. She’s just kind of there. This is particularly hilarious considering they get their ending from that other big 1984 film that had one of the strongest female leads of the decade.

We now go home with Anita. I am trying very hard to keep these two straight.

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She goes to bed, and we cut to the father looking at a picture on the wall. It’s of his dead daughter. We find out she died seven years prior before cutting to another dream sequence.

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I think I have seen that before.

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985, dir. Jack Sholder)

A Nightmare On Elm Street Part 2: Freddy’s Revenge (1985, dir. Jack Sholder)

That is Anita’s dead sister Mohini (Baby Sweetha) who is here to lead her into another Freddy place.

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Things are getting more serious because Freddy has expanded his repertoire to include Dario Argento lighting.

Suspiria (1977, dir. Dario Argento)

Suspiria (1977, dir. Dario Argento)

While we are down there, we get some genuinely creepy shots. The Ramsay Brothers didn’t have such great success in the genre of Bollywood Horror for nothing. That includes Anita ripping part of Freddy’s face off.

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I absolutely love how the father (Kulbhushan Kharbanda) comes in, and just shrugs the whole thing off as her fault. Let’s take a look at this. Here is how she looks when he enters the room.

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There are clear as day claw marks on her arm, but nobody notices. Not even Anita, till he leaves, which is apparently no reason to call him and her mother (Reema Lagoo) back in for a look. The best part of this is when you can see the mother clearly looking at the claw marks.

Moving on, we get to see that Tutankhamun guy is also a fan of Iron Maiden.

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However, before we have the opportunity to say “2 Minutes to Midnight to kill Freddy”, things go downhill.

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They pin Anita down and squirt her with a garden hose after basically saying they are going to rape her. Luckily, this doesn’t turn into the scene from The Lonely Lady (1983) where Ray Liotta raped Pia Zadora with a garden hose.

The Lonely Lady (1983, dir. Peter Sasdy)

The Lonely Lady (1983, dir. Peter Sasdy)

This uncomfortable scene is broken up with a martial arts scene.

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The same thing happened in Dariya Dil (1988) during a badminton match.

Dariya Dil (1988, dir. K. Ravi Shankar)

Dariya Dil (1988, dir. K. Ravi Shankar)

I guess that’s part of the standard Bollywood formula. They insert martial arts scenes wherever they can. Unfortunately, the bad guys getting the crap kicked out of them is stopped by Anita’s two friends, who are then stopped by administrators at the school this is all taking place at.

After going to the cafeteria, the never funny guy does get in one good line about the scumbags concerning what just happened.

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Remember tone whiplash? It’s time for another musical number right after this sexual assault. For some reason, during it we get this guy dancing like an Egyptian.

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When the car doesn’t work, they have to stop at a hotel.

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Yes, that is the same actor as never funny. There’s another character later that I’m quite sure is played by him as well. I think something is lost in the translation, but I am pretty sure they are poking fun at the running joke from Magnum PI where long lost brothers of Higgins would show up at the estate.

Anyways, the two guys played by the same actor go to peep through a keyhole to watch a woman paint her nails. Don’t worry. She spots them, drags them into her room, and beats the crap out of them. I’m really glad that pointless padding is this movie.

Speaking of padding, let’s cut out the rest of this part and just get to Freddy showing up again. After showing up to chase after Seema, he pins her to the ground.

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Then she dies under a sheet, and her boyfriend Parma (Mayur Verma) goes on the run because he believes that they will try to pin the murder on him. It doesn’t work for him. The police catch up with him pretty quick.

As does Freddy when he lures Anita into a freezer room by making her see Seema’s body come alive under plastic.

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This time he only leaves Anita’s arm with a burn on it.

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Now we reach the point in the film where Freddy spoke to me through the movie to make me aware that the copy I had only wanted to display in widescreen when it was actually 4:3.

Ready for something random again? Now two unrelated women appear, and want to go see an Amitabh Bachchan film. On their way home they are chased by several bad guys when this happens.

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Not funny guy shows up to rescue the girls dressed like Amitabh Bachchan’s iconic character from Shahenshah (1988).

Shahenshah (1988, dir. Tinnu Anand)

Shahenshah (1988, dir. Tinnu Anand)

The character is essentially an Indian version of Batman. If Amitabh Bachchan looks familiar, then you probably saw Piku (2015) where he played the constantly constipated Dad, Baz Luhrmann’s version of The Great Gatsby, or one of his other 200+ acting credits.

What does that scene have to do with anything? Nothing! That’s why after Anita has a short conversation with her mother, Freddy decides to pay a visit to Param in jail. He remembers that the other film already did the hanging thing, so he decides to top that by scratching the walls to make snakes come out of them.

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By the way, we are an hour into this two hour movie, and I was able to keep calling him Freddy because they haven’t said his actual name, nor have they explained why he’s around yet. That’s why Anita wakes up to tell her father Parma is dead, he finds him as such, and he finally decides to tell the family what’s going on.

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Here’s the gist. Freddy’s name is actually Shakaal in this one. The father refers to him as an evil spirit in a human body. He would kidnap children in order to sacrifice them to increase his magical powers. We get a nice little flashback, which shows us his daughter being sacrificed by simply being tossed down a bottomless pit before he can stop it. He locks Shakaal in a coffin and buries him alive. But then he gets home and there’s Shakaal’s glove alive and well hiding behind some drinks.

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He tosses it in the fireplace, which really doesn’t explain why he still had it in a drawer all these years later for this reveal. So, it’s off for Dad and Prakash to go and see if Shakaal is still in his coffin. What they find are pointless explosions…and snakes.

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When that is over, we cut to Anita driving when Shakaal decides to make an appearance. He chases her into an aquarium, and pops up to say hi.

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I love that shot.

Then we get more padding in the form of a foreshadowing holy man. I have to give them credit though. He says they should sever Shakaal’s body in half. Remember that Shakaal’s main thing is his glove. That’s when they cut to Evil Dead chasing after Bruce Campbell camerawork to take us back into Anita’s bedroom to wake her up. Well played.

You know the routine. She wakes up, she finds Shakaal’s glove, and it tries to strangle her.

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There is one difference this time. Shakaal has decided it’s time to start moving away from the first film and into the second one because they find her on the floor of her room fighting as if the glove was actually there.

While the dad is having a drink, Shakaal decides to amp up his attacks. He reveals himself to the father, but is kind enough to disappear in a puff of smoke when he tells him to leave. That’s because Shakaal has got better things to do. First, he has to walk across the living room disappearing, and then reappearing closer to the camera, before he pays another visit to Anita.

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With that little bit of green in his eyes, we now have a possessed Anita.

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The scumbag from earlier makes another run at Anita who is possessed now so that the movie can pad itself out with more marital arts.

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Now it’s off to the disco!

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Sure, you can have another random musical number, but can we leave references to The Rocky Horror Picture Show (1975) to Egyptian Rocky Horror AKA Fangs (1981).

Fangs (1981, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

Fangs (1981, dir. Mohan Bhakri)

After her dance number, possessed Anita leads Scumbag right to A Nightmare On Elm Street 4 (1988).

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My favorite part of this scene isn’t that Scumbag finally gets his comeuppance, but that after Shakaal breaks through the plastic and pulls him under, he magically reseals the plastic.

The next morning Anita wakes up to appear shocked at what happened.

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That’s the last we’ll see of Anita being possessed by Shakaal. Hold on a minute there. That means Shakaal possessed Anita. He then went to school as her where the scumbag tried to stop her and her friends took care of him via fighting. Then Shakaal performed a musical number in front of him to get his juices going. That was followed by Shakaal taking him to his place where he proceeded to tease that they would have sex, then kill him. Afterwards, Shakaal left her body. Sounds like Shakaal did her a favor. Also, this screenshot did me a favor because I finally know that Scumbag is named Randhir (Dinesh Kaushik). He seems to have a been a B-Movie actor, but he did have some role in Sarfarosh (1990), which at the time of writing this is ranked as #65 of the top rated Indian Movies on IMDb.

Not funny and some more padding shows up before we can move on with this movie.

Now we find out that Shakaal is also a fan of Romero.

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Day of the Dead (1985, dir. George A. Romero)

Day of the Dead (1985, dir. George A. Romero)

Finally, Shakaal decides to stop messing around, and just takes Anita in to be sacrificed like her dead sister.

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Leather boyfriend and her family show up to all confront Shakaal. This includes Shakaal taking an axe to his head.

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I’m sure if there were sequels to this movie, then no matter how much of Shakaal’s history they changed, or what actor they had playing him, they would always make sure to acknowledge that axe to the head by putting a dent there.

He also gets impaled.

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But Shakaal finds an alternative power source and pulls it from himself. If you haven’t noticed by know, Shakaal is less like Freddy and more like Jason. He doesn’t talk either like Jason, which people who haven’t seen the Friday the 13th movies say.

After beating up leather boyfriend, Shakaal follows Anita down into his basement where he has a convenient guillotine in it to chop his own legs off.

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Look, as long as crazy looking holy man from earlier said they needed to cut him this way, then it is a totally original thing and not a role reversal with Anita being the one to cause Arnold Shakaal to end up this way. Never mind this scene that follows.

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That’s when leather boyfriend shows up to make use of the convenient hydraulic press.

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I mean spiked ceiling that I don’t know why Shakaal had in his place anyways since he just appears to toss children down pits like he did with Anita’s sister.

With the family all reunited, they can throw “The End” at the screen.

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They sequel bait this with Shakaal’s glove sticking out from his crushed body, but since there are no sequels, it doesn’t matter.

I do recommend this one. It may have come at the tail end of the Bollywood Horror renaissance, but it is fun to see a variation on A Nightmare On Elm Street (1984) that doesn’t just copy the concept, but actually tried to stay somewhat true to the original.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: Model For Murder (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


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I am not sure why McKendrick didn’t just make this a sequel to Deadly Pickup (2016). I can take a guess and say that he knows HBO likes to rotate up films from Cinemax, which could cause one of the two to be brought up there, and leave viewers confused. Still, it’s shot in the same area. It has Billy Snow basically playing the same character as Deputy Randall. Sarah Hunter is back. Jon Fleming who played Rick in Deadly Pickup is also back. Sal V. Miers himself even makes a small appearance in the film having been the producer of both this and Deadly Pickup. Also, it is once again a procedural to find a killer while injecting sex here and there into the story.

The movie starts off…and welcome back to the world of the living, Rick!

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Meanwhile, Sarah Hunter is standing in the background giving away the ending of the movie by looking very disapproving of this photo shoot. It’s not Rick’s fault the credits didn’t want to be placed over shots of the beach and birds flying this time around. That still doesn’t stop Hunter from getting a great look on her face.

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That’s the look someone who is into you gives when you basically ask them to leave so you can have sex with someone else.

After that is completed, we cut to…whoa, whoa, whoa…

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I’m pretty sure this is where you got killed by Carter Cruise in Deadly Pickup, Rick.

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Hmmm…I would say that Sarah Hunter resurrected Rick, but she was also killed off in Deadly Pickup. This completely breaks the continuity of the Dean McKendrick movies since I am pretty sure Sarah Hunter was killed off in Erotic Vampires of Beverly Hills (2015) too. I guess when all else fails, just blame Frankie Dell for creating another one of his mystery concoctions that brought Hunter and Rick back to life between movies.

During the photo shoot, Rick uses the excuse that the lighting isn’t right anymore, so they will have to shoot down on the beach a little later. This does not sit well with the model named Audrey (August Ames) who is already jealous of the other model named Jocelyn (Christiana Cinn), and was just arguing with her own manager David (Justin Berti) about it.

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She proceeds to walk along the beach when it cuts to a seagull.

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We know what that means.

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Killed by a phallic shaped rock.

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That’s when our heroes show up on the scene.

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Deputy Randall got a promotion to Detective and has been partnered with Erika Jordan. They are legitimately good in this movie together. I could go for a series of movies where the two of them hunt down killers.

Considering this manager was arguing with Audrey next to a sign about “Conserving California’s Coastal Treasures”,…

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that means we need Detective Randall and Erika Jordan to uncover a sex scene with Audrey from his past.

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After the standard procedural scene of people standing around talking to each other, it’s time for Randall and Jordan to go check in with the producer–Sal V. Miers–about the body.

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This is when Jordan makes sure to mention information that a woman could have killed Audrey.

Now we cut to Sarah Hunter trying to drop less than subtle hints to Rick that she is in to him. Then Jocelyn comes in to make Sarah Hunter leave, and comfort Rick by sticking one of her heels high in the air.

Once that is over, the good acting brigade shows up to question Rick as Jocelyn sneaks out the back-way. Hunter tells them that Audrey knew some things about Jocelyn that could hurt her modeling career, such as being a stripper on the side.

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Now it’s off to the Mötley Crüe soundalike strip club so that Jocelyn can point suspicion back at the red herring of the shady manager from earlier. They also make sure to say that Detective Randall is having a bad break up with his wife. That way they have an excuse for a sex scene later.

Now our dynamic duo go and confront the sleazy manager at the house of the couple from Deadly Pickup.

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They acquired enough evidence between scenes to arrest him just in time for Sarah Hunter to take a shower. After that, Hunter and Rick agree to meet later on, before we cut to Detective Randall drinking when Erika Jordan comes in to see him.

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I’m amazed Detective Randall would want to return to the bar where he had to put down Carter Cruise.

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)

She takes him home since he is drunk, and they have sex. This one felt genuine like their characters had real feelings for each other. That was nice.

Now we go to Rick’s place where Sarah Hunter is in her best red dress. They have sex of course, but since Rick is suicidal, he essentially tries to kick her to the curb afterwards. Rick isn’t the brightest of people.

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Lucky for Rick, our detectives get a hit that Sarah Hunter’s DNA was on the rock. You’d think Hunter would get Rick in the end, but she didn’t count on Detective Randall.

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No one gets the final shot, but Detective Randall! Well, Erika Jordan gets in a shot too. I can’t think of any way to tie that in with Hunter playing Jade Empress in Bikini Avengers (2015). I’ve failed you.

Let’s wrap this up, Sal!

Detective Randall and Erika Jordan tell Sal the backstory on Hunter before getting a call for another case. Hunter was obsessive, which is what led her to become so attached to Rick that she killed to have him for herself.

“Pleasant dreams, my dear.”

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This isn’t one of the best of these late night cable movies floating around. However, if you have to choose between this and Deadly Pickup, then this is definitely the one to watch. Billy Snow, Erika Jordan, and Sarah Hunter are three of the best actors in this movie. They carry the film. Deadly Pickup is dragged down by Carter Cruise trying to play a ditz when it really doesn’t seem to be in her wheelhouse. It’s noteworthy that this movie contains no girl-on-girl sex scenes. I was surprised. They always seem to find some way of working that in. I’m glad they didn’t though because it wouldn’t have made sense in this film, and they really do try to have a coherent story. The flashback sex scene is the only thing that stood out at me as not being necessary. You also get to see Jon Fleming do some acting instead of just showing up as a walking dead meat puppet in Deadly Pickup.

Still, I am waiting for one of these crime late night cable movies to measure up to Carnal Wishes (2015). Deadly Pickup is at the bottom, Wicked Deeds (2016) is in the middle, and this is the closest so far that I have seen.

Late Night Cable Movie Review: The Deadly Pickup (2016, dir. Dean McKendrick)


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Yes, you read the title of the post correctly. No matter how much that title sounds like a Lifetime movie–it isn’t. I’m not sure how Dean McKendrick beat Doug Campbell to that title.

This time around we have one of those good old misleading posters.

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Death also gives top billing to an actor who is well-known, shows up for one sex scene, and then is killed off. Better than the cameo appearance from Amy Lindsay in Carnal Wishes (2015) that probably accounts for 80% of the views I have on that review. She had as much importance in that movie as Colonel Sanders did in The Phynx (1970).

The Phynx (1970, dir. Lee H. Katzin)

The Phynx (1970, dir. Lee H. Katzin)

That is to say, next to nothing.

That country road is also not to be found in the film. The car of course is impossible to be in this film considering it is a late night cable movie about a hitchhiker who kills her victims after having sex with them. There just isn’t enough room. You will also only see her hitchhike once in this film. However, she does pretty much look like that.

Anyways, the movie opens up with shots of the beach, including a seagull that is here to tell us Dean McKendrick also edited the film in addition to writing and directing it.

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Then we find out that Dean McKendrick and Sal V. Miers joined forces to bring us this movie.

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Does that mean we are going to get a genre spoof with progressive politics mixed together with sex? Not exactly.

Once the credits are done, our deadly pickup appears on the side of the road.

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That’s Breezy played by Carter Cruise. They call her that because the movie was written by Dean McKendrick.

She is picked up by Josh (Michael Hopkins). He is headed for the local state university. She plays along till they have killed enough time for a sex scene to happen.

Once the scene is complete, she sticks him with a poisonous ring, and he dies.

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She then makes a rather pitiful attempt to wipe the car of prints. That’s a little bit of the humor I would expect from Sal V. Miers since because it is softcore, there wouldn’t be the kind of DNA evidence you would expect from actual sex.

Now we meet a couple–Brian and Traci–who have a room for rent and are played by William F. Bryant and Kira Noir respectively.

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Maybe it’s just because I recently read someone else’s review of Clueless (1995), but I took one look at her, and thought: Porno Stacey Dash. It’s actually kind of clever what they do with her. She will only have sex with her husband, which in turn, foreshadows the ending of the movie. The instant they are done having an exposition conversation to setup the plot of the film, Breezy shows up at their door.

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Since none of the other actors are in need of a place to stay, they let her rent a room to help pay his college tuition while Traci works at a bar.

That’s when a cop shows up to discover the last sex scene.

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He is played by Billy Snow, and his character is Deputy Randall.

Next, Breezy decides to take the slowest shower ever. Seeing as Traci is working at the bar, Brian is left alone to stumble upon her in the shower, and seems to be enjoying it more than the audience.

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Traci gets home from work to find Brian very much in the mood for love. The plot will have to wait a bit.

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Now we cut to an office, or somebodies house, where we meet Sheriff Bates played by Michael Gaglio.

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You might recognize him from numerous films of this sort, but he has also appeared in and worked on other films such as Lifetime and SyFy movies. He even played Santa in the movie A Perfect Christmas List (2014).

He recognizes the M.O., and tells Randall to pull the file on a similar case in Nevada. He then sends him out to canvass the houses nearby where the incident occurred since there aren’t many in the area.

That’s plenty of plot for now, so Breezy discovers a guy named Rick (Jon Fleming) on the beach.

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Lucky for them, he has a van parked nearby so they won’t have to worry about the sand. This really makes me wonder. Does she seek out people who have cars large enough to have sex in? Does she let the ones who don’t, live? Doesn’t matter, once the scene is done, he gets pricked by the poisonous ring too.

Deputy Randall then shows up at Traci and Brian’s place. He talks to them about the situation. Then Breezy walks in, so he talks to her alone. As he is leaving, we get this shot of Carter Cruise looking devious.

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Now we cut to the bar where Traci works for that person who left a comment on my review of Bikini Model Mayhem (2016) that was disappointed they didn’t show the bartender more, and he didn’t have a sex scene.

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That’s Charlie, played by Cody Deal. This whole conversation exists so that Charlie can’t point out the obvious to Traci. That being, that if a murderer is on the loose and a random woman showed up to live at your house, that it’s a good idea to look into her a bit.

Then we cut to the police station where Deputy Randall gets a call that they found a dead body on the beach. What?!? We just saw him alive a few minutes ago in between the two scenes above.

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But seriously, he’s dead. I’m guessing something happened that I don’t recall, or they just decided they needed him killed off after some aborted plot they had in mind.

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In between, Sarah Hunter shows up to make her Sophia Loren in Operation Crossbow (1965) cameo appearance.

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Of course she ends up dead too. Breezy is an equal opportunity murderer. It’s a shame. I’m assuming since Sal V. Miers was involved in the production of this movie that after she broke out of prison in Bad Girls Behind Bars (2016), she lost her way, and wound up here to get murdered.

We’re getting down to the wire here as evidenced by Billy Snow’s intense look.

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Breezy and Randall have a conversation at the bar. Traci goes back home to snoop in Breezy’s room. Breezy goes with Deputy Randall back to the police station because she needs to accidentally knock over his coffee. That can mean only one thing.

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Since we need someone to stop Breezy, the sheriff shows up to interrupt her plans to murder him. The sheriff receives a call, and we find out Breezy’s real name is Brenda Johnson. She worked at her father’s factory that made rat poison.

Now Breezy catches Traci looking through her stuff, tries to seduce her, and is told she needs to be out by morning. Traci found some incriminating evidence, so she calls Deputy Randall. The call comes complete with flashbacks, and now Randall is out to catch Breezy.

But they save the best for last. Seriously, it’s like they were teasing the audience the whole time as to whether Charlie would have a scene. After they make good use of a pool table, Deputy Randall shows up to put a stop to the movie, so Breezy threatens to kill Charlie.

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It’s funny, but during this brief scene, Carter Cruise suddenly goes from she can’t act to save her life to I want to see her in something where she doesn’t play a murderous ditz. Deputy Randall takes the shot, and Billy Snow gets to deliver a line he was probably dying for the chance to say.

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Then we get what always feels weird when it happens in these movies–a happy ending I would expect from a mainstream TV Movie.

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They get $50,000 for turning in Breezy, it pays his college tuition, and they decide to have children.

In summary, we have a couple who is tempted to cheat on each other by a woman who moves in with them, and it ultimately brings them closer together by resisting her temptations.

It’s not the worst I’ve seen. I’ve seen far far worse, but I would recommend some of the other late night cable movies I’ve reviewed like Bikini Model Mayhem instead. This, like Wicked Deeds (2016), seems to have been made off the heels of the film noir Carnal Wishes, but it just doesn’t come together as well, nor is as interesting. Also, if you want to see Sarah Hunter in something decent that I’ve reviewed, then watch Bad Girls Behind Bars.

ALOHA! What is your deepest pit? #TheFundamentalsOfCaring


 

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Ok, going to preface this review by just saying three things:

1: I needed a good cry movie tonight; I had to get some things out of my system.

2: The rest of this review might not be SFW!

Oh, forgot, the technicalities:

The Fundamentals of Caring is a Netflix original movie based on the book “The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving”  by Jonathan Evison

Stars:

Paul Rudd: as Ben  (Friends, Anchorman, 40-year-old virgin)

Selena Gomez: as Dot (Yeah, all that teenage stuff, singer turned amazing actress.)

Jennifer Ehle: as Elsa (Fifty Shades of Grey, The Black List, also born in my home town!)

Craig Roberts: as Trevor (Being Human, Red Oaks)

Director: (Emmy Award Winning) Rob Burnett

Plot:

A man (Rudd) after suffering a horrible loss decides to reach out and, not in his best interest, become a caregiver. Trevor (Roberts), a bitter kid without a Dad decides to take him on.  How does this end up? Well, on a road trip across the country with the kid he is there to care-give for, fountains of youth are found….In a deep dark pit between them….

Review:

I needed a good cry movie tonight, and The Fundamentals of Caring did that for me! Actually, Selena Gomez kinda took the movie in a way I wasn’t expecting.Got to give her a lot of props for what she did in it. Was it a great movie? By no means…Does it fill a deep pit in your soul when you need a movie to cry too?…Yes, it absolutely does!

The Fundamentals of Caring is on Netflix now… and if you want to see a trailer you can…..

WAIT…WAIT…WAIT…. I said there was three things in my preface!!

3: fuck you…No, Fuck you…NO…FUCK you!…Now Stand up and take your piss! Stand up and take a PISS!

Told ya, Not all of this review would be SFW!

 

BTW: Trevor Conklin was handsome and cool……ALOHA!