Tag Archives: Retro Television Reviews

Late Night Retro Television Review: Check It Out! 2.6 “The Bear Facts”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing the Canadian sitcom, Check it Out, which ran in syndication from 1985 to 1988.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Howard helps Murray master the bush.

Episode 2.6 “The Bear Facts”

(Dir by Alan Erlich, originally aired on November 7th, 1986)

Murray, the teenage stockboy played by Simon Reynolds, has a problem.

He’s in the Scouts.  He promised his father that he would not leave the Scouts until he earned all of the badges.  He only has one badge left …. the *snicker* Bushmaster Badge.  In order to get *cough* Bushmaster Badge, he has to go camping with his father.  However, Murray’s father is in the Merchant Marine and is far from home.  Hey — maybe Howard could go camping with Murray and help him become a *chortle* Bushmaster!

Since Howard is actually being a nice guy in this episode, he agrees.  (As I’ve mentioned many times in the past, this show is incredibly inconsistent when it comes to how Howard is portrayed.  Sometimes, he’s a saint.  Sometimes, he’s the boss from Hell.)  Howard even puts on a scout uniform.  While camping, Murray talks about how his parents split up 12 years ago but that he still hopes that they’ll get back together.  (Awwww!)  Howard admits that he has never asked Edna to marry him because he worries that it would end in divorce.  Howard and Murray bond and you know what?  It’s actually kind of sweet.  Simon Reynolds is actually rather touching as the naive Murray while Don Adams, in the role of Howard, actually stops yelling long enough for us to see that Howard is a sensitive guy underneath all the bluster….

Of course, then a bear shows up and eats Murray.

Or maybe not.  Howard sees the bear and he runs away, just to later realize that Murray didn’t run away with him.  Howard assumes that Murray has been eaten.  Instead of calling the police or Murray’s mother, Howard goes back to the store and tells Edna, Christian, and Leslie about what happened.  No one seems to be that upset about Murray being devoured and that’s kind of sad.

Suddenly, Murray’s scoutmaster (Diane Douglass) shows up and says that she personally wants to give Murray his *ahem* Bushmaster Badge.  Howard explains that Murray was possibly eaten by a bear.  The scoutmaster is about to form a search party when suddenly, Murray shows up.  It turns out he wasn’t eaten after all.  The bear was really nice and Murray was not only able to escape but also make it through the untrimmed wilderness on his own.  Everyone agrees that Murray has truly proven himself to be a master of the bush.  Murray gets his final badge and, as a result, he can finally stop wearing his uniform.  Yay!

This was a weird episode.  It started out as very sincere and heartfelt and then it suddenly devolved into a bunch of jokes about a lonely teenage boy being eaten by a bear.  I have to admit that I kind of dug this episode, precisely because it was so odd.  The best episodes of Check It Out! are usually the ones where the show gets unapologetically weird and this one did just that.

Hopefully, next week will be even stranger.

Retro Television Review: Welcome Back, Kotter 3.21 “There’s No Business: Part 2”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC  from 1975 to 1979.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Gabe is finally happy so, of course, Julie is pissed off about it.

Episode 3.21 “There’s No Business: Part 2”

(Dir by Bob Claver, originally aired on February 2nd, 1978)

This week, Gabe’s comedy career continues!

The Sweathogs are hurt when Gabe doesn’t even come by the school to say goodbye to them before their substitute teacher is brought in.  Julie is upset that Gabe agrees to do a muti-week tour without even asking her about it first.  (Then again, one gets the feeling that if Gabe had turned down the tour, Julie would find an excuse to get mad about that as well.  At this point, I’m just waiting for Julie to run off with Epstein but Marcia Strassman had more chemistry with Robert Hegyes than she ever did with Gabe Kaplan.)

At first, the only person who is happy about any of this is Mr. Woodman.  Without Gabe around, the Sweathogs are running wild and Woodman finally has a reason to give everyone detention.  “It’s Woodman’s Golden Reign of Terror!” Woodman declares.  But then the Sweathogs, due to being sad over being abandoned by Gabe, become listless and Woodman is left with nothing to do.

“We need you back, Kotter!” Woodman tells Gabe just before Gabe goes out on stage to perform.

Gabe agrees.  Gabe bombs on stage so badly that his show business career comes to an end.  Gabe returns to teaching.  “Did you bomb on purpose?” Woodman asks when he sees Gabe in the school.  Gabe doesn’t reply but we all know the answer.

The problem is that Gabe “bombing,” occurs off-screen and we only hear about it second-hand.  It’s hard not to feel a bit cheated because the idea of Gabe giving an intentionally bad performance sounds like it would have been a lot more fun to watch than sitting through yet another scene of Julie giving Gabe the death glare while Gabe looks like a deer in the headlights.

On the plus side, this episode did feature some good Sweathog moments.  John Travolta, who hasn’t really gotten a lot to do in the latter half of the third season, explains that the best way to deal with someone leaving is to pretend that they’re dead so you don’t have to worry about them anymore.  All of the Sweatogs dress up to visit Gabe before he performs and all of the cheap suits provide a nice visual moment.  The Sweatogs may not have the money for expensive suits but they still want to look their best when they see Gabe.  They respect their teacher, even if he is thinking of abandoning them,

In the end, this entire two-part episode was a bit of an anti-climax.  Because the show would cease to exist if Gabe actually did go on tour and we’re not even done with the third season yet, we all know that Gabe is going to eventually return to the Sweathogs.  And considering that Gabe seemed a lot happier as a comedian than as a teacher, it’s kind of hard not to feel bad for the guy.  He’s stuck with Arnold Horshack!  Your dreams were your ticket out but now your dreams are your prison.  Welcome back indeed.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Friday the 13th The Series 2.3 “And Now The News”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Friday the 13th: The Series, a show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, Jack is on vacation so Ryan and Micki try to retrieve an antique on their own.  Near disaster ensues.  I swear, why is Jack always running off?  How can you take a vacation when your job is to literally save the world?  You know who never got a decent vacation?  Atlas.

Anyway, onto the episode….

Episode 2.3 “And Now The News”

(Dir by Bruce Pittman, originally aired October 14th, 1988)

With Jack on vacation, it falls to Micki and Ryan to track down the latest antique, a cursed radio that will reveal information to its owner as long as the owner uses the radio to kill a certain number of people.  (The radio brings people’s greatest fears to life.  So, if you’ve got a thing about snakes, watch out!)  Micki and Ryan discover that the radio is currently in the possession of Dr. Avril Carter (Kate Trotter), who works at the local mental hospital and who is murdering patients so that the radio will help her with her research.  Dr. Carter really wants to win that Nobel Prize.

Ryan and Micki really probably should have waited for Jack to come back because their attempts to get the radio back leads to one disaster after another.  Ryan even manages to get electrocuted while trying to climb over the hospital’s security fence.  Micki, meanwhile, does manage to get into the hospital but she is soon reminded that the majority of the patients are serial killers and perverts.

The best thing about this episode is that radio actually has a voice.  Henry Ramer provides the voice of the “radio announcer,” who says stuff like, “And now the news …. after this murder” and such.  At the end of the episode, it even taunts Dr. Carter when she fails to kill the required number of people and announces that Carter will never win a Nobel Prize.  (The radio then proceeds to electrocute her.)  In a nice touch, the announcer continues to talk to Ryan and Micki even when they’re taking it down to the vault.  It offer to help them out in their quest, in return for a certain amount of murders.  Micki and Ryan end up tossing the radio back and forth between the two of them.  The episode even ends with a freeze frame of the radio in the air.  Hopefully, they got it into the vault eventually.

This was a fun episode.  The mental hospital was a atmospheric location, the radio was an inspired antique, and Kate Trotter gave a good performance as the villainous Dr. Carter.  After two less than enthralling episodes, And Now The News was a definite return to everything that worked about the first season.

Retro Television Review: T and T 3.8 “The Mysterious Mauler”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990.  The show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Mr. T enters the wrestling ring and we all wonder what took so long.  Seriously, T and T, do you not realize who is starring on your show?

Episode 3.8 “The Mysterious Mauler”

(Dir by Alan Simmonds, originally aired on February 24th, 1990)

Teri and T.S. Turner are hired to investigate a series of accidents that have afflicted the wrestlers of the Galactis Wrestling Federation.  With the GWF royal championship coming up, all of the contenders are being taken out of contention before they even step into the ring!  Teri and T.S. think that a wrestler known as the Masked Mauler may be involved but the head of GWF, Mr. Barnum (Elias Zarou, chewing every available piece of scenery), refuses to reveal the Mauler’s true identity.  Instead, Mr. Barnum is more interested in putting a “hood” on T.S. Turner and sending him into the ring.

From the start, this episode confused me.  It opened with Terri excitedly telling T.S. that their money woes were over because they had been hired by an insurance company to investigate all of the accidents that have been taking place in the GWF.  Now, I could understand the company hiring Turner because he’s an established detective but this episode seems to suggest that Terri is now a private investigator as well.  But, in every previous episode, Terri has been portrayed as being an attorney who is almost as prominent and as successful as her sister Amy.  Terri suddenly working for an insurance company as an investigator doesn’t really make sense.  Aren’t the Taler sisters supposed to be crusading attorneys who have dedicated their practice to defending the little guy from heartless corporations?  But now, Terri is suddenly an enthusiastic insurance investigator.  Terri sold out!

And yet, this episode actually isn’t that bad, at least not by the usual standards of T and T.  From the minute I learned this episode was set in the world of professional wrestling, I knew that Mr. T would eventually end up in the ring while wearing a sparkly uniform and that’s exactly what happened.  Mr. T perfectly fits into the flamboyant world of pro-wrestling and he certainly does seem to be in a good mood in this episode.  From the second season on, T and T has often failed to take advantage of the fact that half of their duo was Mr. T.  This episode allows Mr. T to be himself.

As for the Mauler, his identity is eventually revealed.  He owns a pizzeria and wears a mask so that his wife won’t discover that he’s a wrestler.  The Mauler may be fearsome in the ring but, outside of it, he’s just trying to live a peaceful life and make an appetizing pizza.  Good for him!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Highway to Heaven 2.9 “The Secret”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Highway to Heaven, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1989.  The entire show is currently streaming on Freevee and several other services!

This week, Jonathan’s in trouble and so is the audience.

Episode 2.9 “The Secret”

(Directed by William Claxton, originally aired on November 27th, 1985)

This is an odd episode.

While heading to visit yet another one of Mark’s former cop buddies, Jonathan stops the car at a country store.  He spots a young man being bullied by three rednecks.  Jonathan politely asks the rednecks to back off.  When the main redneck tries to attack Jonathan, Jonathan responds by punching the guy out.

UH-OH, JONATHAN’S BROKEN A RULE!  He immediately gets summoned back to Heaven for a disciplinary hearing and, as a result, he’s not in the majority of this episode.

I’m going to assume that Landon had something else going on that caused him to skip out on the majority of this episode.  (This was also the first episode of the series to be directed by someone either than Landon or Victor French.)  Still, having Jonathan throw a punch seems out-of-character.  Over the course of the first two seasons, Jonathan has dealt with a lot of bullies and usually, he just uses his powers to make their car break down or to make them trip over a branch.  The Boss has never had a problem with that so you have to wonder why Jonathan didn’t just make the bully’s car radiator start to overheat or something.  As well, it seems like Jonathan was acting in self-defense and to protect the guy who was being bullied.

Anyway, the important thing is that Mark has to visit his friend on his own.  Wes Fowler (Barry Jenner) has been married to Carol Fowler (Linda Miller) for nearly 18 years.  When they first married, Carol told Wes that she couldn’t have children and, as a result, they decided to adopt a young girl that they named Heather.  Shortly after adopting Heather, Carol did get pregnant and gave birth to Shelley.  Having recently turned 18, Heather (played by Leslie Bega) is now curious about who her birth mother was.  A little research leads to her discovering that her birth mother is …. CAROL!

Carol explains that Heather’s father was an ex-boyfriend who left town as soon as he discovered that Carol was pregnant.  When Carol married Wes, she wanted to adopt the daughter she abandoned so she lied about not being able to get pregnant so that Wes would agree to the adoption.  When Wes finds out about this, he gets angry and, along with Shelley (played by a young Shannen Doherty), he moves out of the house.

Can Mark put this family back together again?  Of course, he can.  And you better believe Jonathan returns to Earth during the show’s final moments.  This is Highway to Heaven, after all.

This episode felt off to me.  Some of it was the absence of Jonathan.  Some of it was the fact that, even when working solo, Mark didn’t really do that much other than stand in a corner and observe.  Both the soap opera dramatic and the performances were so over-the-top that they were impossible to take seriously.  This almost felt like a parody of Highway to Heaven as opposed to an actual episode.

Oh well.  So much for this episode.  Hopefully, next week’s episode, which apparently involves a man being mistaken for a monster, will be a bit better.  We’ll find out soon!

Retro Television Review: Malibu, CA 1.2 “Surf Sale”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Malibu CA, which aired in Syndication in 1998 and 1999.  The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!

As my friend Mark tried to warn me, this show sucks!

Episode 1.2 “Surf Sale”

(Dir by Gary Shimokawa, originally aired on October 18th, 1998)

Why am I doing this to myself?

That’s the question that I asked myself as I watched the second episode of Malibu, CA.  Why do I always decide to review the worst shows that I can find?  And when I call Malibu, CA the worst, that’s not an exaggeration.  The second episode, which I just watched, is 21 minutes of pure pain.  Producing bad television was, admittedly, Peter Engel’s trademark but not Malibu, CA goes beyond just being bad.  I mean, this is the first show that I’ve ever seen that makes One World seem brilliant by comparison.

The second episode finds Murray upset because a land developer is planning on tearing down The Surf Shack and replacing it with a luxury condo.  The Surf Shack is exactly what it sounds like.  It’s a shack that sells surfing equipment.  Murray appears to be the Surf Shack’s only employee.  Murray says that Surf Shack is his life.  The Surf Shack must be saved and Scott and Jason are going to help Murray because they think helping Murray will impress their next-door neighbor, Samantha.  Samantha is into causes and stuff.  Plus, Murray has been her friend since kindergarten.

Murray is also the son of a wealthy man so Jason and Scott suggest that Murray ask his father to buy the Surf Shack.  Murray says that he can’t because his father would then demand that Murray go to school, wear socks, and comb his hair.  With the Surf Shack doomed, Murray gets a job working as a dishwasher at Peter’s restaurant but then he nearly burns the place down after he accidentally knocks out the chef by throwing a dish in his direction.

Murray finally agrees to ask his father to buy the Surf Shack.  Murray is prepared to sell out.  But then Peter, to make his sons happy, buys the Surf Shack from Murray’s dad and then makes Murray the manager.  If Peter had the money to buy the Surf Shack, why didn’t they just go to him to begin with?

Meanwhile, Stats the Lifeguard, who desperately wants Scott to notice her, is harassed by Haji (Maulik Pancholy), a guy whose life she saved from drowning.  Haj is Indian so the whole joke here is that Haj has an accent and tends to say stuff like, “In my country, if you save someone’s life, you are destined to be together.”  However, Stats is in love with Scott and Haj isn’t willing to fight for her love because “It looks like he goes to the gym.”  Haj trips over another girl on the beach and decides that she is the one who saved his life.  I’m not sure why.

This was bad.  It’s hard to put into words how bad this episode was.  The storyline was stupid but that’s to be expected from a show produced by Peter Engel.  Instead, this episode was bad because 1) there wasn’t a single likable person in the episode (even Stats ended up being pretty rude to Haj) and 2) there did not appear to be a single person in the cast capable of reciting their dialogue without sounding like they were reading it off of a cue card.  The episode was bad because Murray’s issue with his dad seems to be that his dad expects his teenage son to actually go to school and not be a brain-dead washout.  The episode was bad because the Surf Shack itself sits on the ugliest and smallest part of the beach and it’s hard to understand why anyone would want to put a condo in that location.  (With mountains on either side, there’s really not any room for a condo.)  Finally, the episode was dumb because it had the same plot as the pilot: Developers want build something on the beach so Scott and Jason pretend to care in an effort to impress Sam.  Just as the pilot featured a disaster at Peter’s restaurant, this episode features a disaster at Peter’s restaurant.  It’s only the second episode and this show is already repeating itself.

Oh well!  At least there’s only 50 episode left….

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 2.7 “Jar”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

This week, Monsters brings together horror and noir!

Episode 2.7 “Jar”

(Dir by Bette Gordon, originally aired on November 1st, 1989)

Having been hired to find a missing woman, cynical private investigator Jack Bateman (Richard Edson) begins his investigation at the seedy bayou motel where the woman was last seen.  However, Mr. Hallet and Jack are not the only people at the hotel.  Ann Spiros (Gina Gershon) arrives with her loutish husband, the wealthy George (Ed Kovens).  Ann wants to get rid of her husband and she and Jack seem to share an immediate attraction to each other.  Does Mr. Hallet have something hidden away in all of his mason jars that could help Ann with that?  Of course, he does.  The show is called Monsters.  This episode is called Jar.  One doesn’t have to be a genius to figure out that something pretty extreme is about to happen in that isolated hotel and that it’s going involve something in a jar.

(Someday, remind me to write a post about all of the historical figures who had certain body parts preserved in a jar.  I don’t know why that would happen but no matter.  You can still see a few inches of Napoleon if you want to, though it might not be the part of him that you want to see.)

From the sultry saxophone on the soundtrack to the shadow visual style, this episode announces itself from the start as being an homage to film noir.  It works far better than I think anyone would have any reason to expect.  The bayou hotel is wonderfully atmospheric and steamy location.  One can literally feel the humidity that runs through this episode.  Though he was a bit young for the role, Richard Edson is a convincing hard-boiled detective.  Gina Gershon, as always, is a perfect femme fatale and seems to relish the opportunity to keep the audience guessing as to he motivations.  Ed Kovens is properly unsympathetic as the wealthy husband.  (Can you imagine how unpleasant noirs like this would be if the husbands were decent guys who just minded their own business?  It’s a good thing that they’re always louts.)  Finally, Fritz Weaver gives a nicely eccentric performance as old Mr. Hallet.  This episode is full of schemes and forbidden passions.  Fans of noir will appreciate the episode.

What’s especially surprising is just how well the supernatural and the monsters are all integrated into the noir format.  The monsters feel as if they belong in the story just as much as the hard-boiled detective and the sultry wife.  It takes a while for the monsters to do their thing but when they do, they definitely make an impression.

Monsters can be a bit of uneven show.  But Jar is definitely a triumph.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 4.15 “The Trigamist/Jealousy/From Here To Maternity”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, both Doc and Captain Stubing try to get out of doing their jobs.

Episode 4.15 “The Trigamist/Jealousy/From Here To Maternity”

(Dir by Howard Morris, originally aired on January 17th, 1981)

Finally, Captain Stubing has found love!

He is totally smitten with passenger Linda Bradley (Pat Crowley) and Linda seems to like him as well.  (Why wouldn’t she?  He’s the Captain.  No one wants to date the people who are in the bottom of the boat and shoveling coal in the furnace.  The Captain is the one who has his own special table.)  Stubing is soon spending all of his time with Linda.  Vicki gets jealous.  Myself, I’m wondering who is steering the boat.

Vicki gets so jealous that Linda eventually picks up on it and breaks things off with the Captain.  The Captain is heart-broken but, when a contrite Vicki explains that Linda was just trying to protect her feelings, the Captain cheers up, Vicki agrees to accept Linda as a possible stepmother, and Linda promises to return for another cruise as soon as possible.  Will we ever see Linda again?  I doubt it.  Charo seems to be the only performer who regularly returns to the Love Boat as the same character.  We might see Pat Crowley again but she probably won’t be playing Linda.

This storyline, I could relate to.  I’m a child of divorce and I’ll just say that I was Hell on anyone who I thought was trying to be either a new father or a new mother to me.  So far, at least, the stories about the Captain and Vicki have always been handled well.  Gavin MacLeod is always at his best when he’s playing the fatherly side of Stubing.

Captain Stubing is not the only person trying to get laid on this cruise.  Doc Bricker — of course! — is eager to spend time with his latest girlfriend, Mona (Rebecca Holden), but he keeps getting summoned by the Talmadges.  Betty Talmadge (Murphy Cross) is pregnant and her husband, Arthur (Michael Young), is worried that she’s going to give birth on the cruise event though she’s not due for another 9 weeks.  “I was born on airplane!” Arthur yells at one point.  Eventually, Doc tells Arthur that he should take up jogging to deal with his nervousness.  Arthur ends up breaking his leg as a result.  That, at the very least, confines him to his cabin but Doc is now so worried about him that he still can’t find time for Mona.  Finally, as the ship docks in Los Angeles, Betty goes into labor.

Finally, Judge Joanne Atkinson (Nancy Walker) boards the ship and is surprised to see that Harrison Harper (George Gobel, who is an even less convincing womanizer than Doc Bricker) is also taking a cruise.  The judge previously sentenced Harrison to probation for being a bigamist.  The Judge and Harrison fall in love and get engaged.  Of course, Harrison is also engaged to five other women.  I’m sure it’ll all work out.

This was a weird cruise.  The main theme seemed to be that both Doc and the Captain will do anything to avoid actually doing their jobs.  Meanwhile, the Judge and Harrison’s relationship appears to be doomed from the start.  Getting arrested and being sentenced to probation has done nothing to dissuade Harrison from getting engaged to everyone he meets.  Julie looks worried as Harrison and the Judge leave the ship together and I don’t blame her!

As always, the ocean scenery was pleasant and I appreciated the sincerity of the scenes that Gavin MacLeod and Jill Whelan performed together.  Still, I was kind of happy when the boat docked this week.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Baywatch Nights 2.3 “The Rig”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch Nights, a detective show that ran in Syndication from 1995 to 1997.  The entire show is currently streaming on You tube!

This week, Mitch and Ryan head out to an abandoned ocean oil rig.  Do they find love or do they find a glowing green slime monster?  Read on to find out!

Episode 2.3 “The Rig”

(Dir by Jon Cassar, originally aired on October 13th, 1996)

Donna is super-excited because she’s saved her first person as a lifeguard.  (Apparently, the nightclub is no longer a thing and Donna is no longer a cynical and tough-minded businesswoman.)  She tracks down Griff and she tells him about it.  Griff is impressed.  Donna wants to tell Mitch but he’s not on the beach!

Instead, Mitch and Ryan are investigating a deserted oil rig.  A few weeks ago, the crew of the oil rig died under mysterious circumstances.  The official story is that they fell victim to cabin fever or maybe a mass delusion.  But Diamont thinks that maybe something paranormal has happened and he has asked Mitch and Ryan to check it out.  Despite the fact that this is the third “paranormal” mystery that Mitch has investigated in as many episodes, he remains a skeptic.  Ryan, however, thinks that it is possible that the rig was attacked by some sort of prehistoric one-celled organism.

And it turns out that Ryan is right!  Ryan and Mitch find themselves being threatened by a green gelatinous goo that eats away at everything from metal to skin.  Joining Ryan and Mitch is Claire (Jennifer Campbell), whose boat was earlier attacked by the goo.  Claire does very little in this episode and there’s really no point to her being there, beyond the fact that the show’s producers needed someone to wear a bikini and to scream.

Featuring an absolutely ludicrous monster and a finale that involves a self-destruct mechanism slowly counting down, The Rig is actually a lot of fun.  It’s totally ludicrous and silly and everything that an episode of something like Baywatch Nights should be.  Mitch and Ryan make for an entertaining team.  Angie Harmon’s naturally sarcastic delivery contrasts nicely with David Hasselhoff’s most earnest style.  The Rig is at its best when it just follows Mitch and Ryan as they flirtatiously argue about the paranormal while walking around the abandoned rig.

And fear not!  Mitch survives his meeting with goo, jumping off the rig at the same moment that it explodes.  We get a little bit of slow motion, followed by a short of an obvious dummy crashing into the water.  When Hasselhoff jumps off the rig, the night sky is pitch black.  When he emerges from the ocean, the sun is shining.  That’s type of easily avoidable continuity error that makes Baywatch Nights so much fun!

This was a fun episode.  Next week, Mitch gets involved with a UFO!

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.24 “Paquito’s Birthday/Technical Advisor”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984.  Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, season 4 comes to an end.

Episode 4.24 “Paquito’s Birthday/Technical Advisor”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on May 23rd, 1981)

This week, Tattoo is stunned to see Manuel (A Martinez) and Consuelo Lopez (Linda Cristal) get off the plane with their young son, Paquito (Anthony Trujillo).  Tattoo immediately guesses that Mr. Roarke must have given them a special deal so they could come to the Island and he snaps that Roarke is too nice.

Roarke, never one to worry about being nice when it come to Tattoo, replies that young Paquito nearly died earlier in the year and now, Manuel and Consuelo are on the verge of losing their frame.  Manual and Consuelo wanted to give Paquito a wonderful birthday party before they end up homeless.  Take that, Tattoo!

Manuel’s wealthy relative, Dona Delores (Victoria Racimo), is also on the Island and Paqutio soon starts hanging out with her, despite Manuel resenting her for having money.  Delores, who cannot have children of her own, has an idea.  Maybe she could adopt Paquito and give him the life that Manuel and Consuelo never could.  In return, she could help Manuel’s out with his money problems.

Don’t worry!  Manuel and Conseulo don’t lose Paquito and they even get to stay on Fantasy Island.  And it also turns out that Delores isn’t so bad after all.  This is Fantasy Island and nothing bad has happened on Fantasy Island since that hunter died at the end of his fantasy.  The ending is happy and the fantasy is ultimately pleasant and kind of forgettable.  In the end, what I’ll always remember is that the voice of young Paquito was obviously dubbed by an adult woman trying to sound like a child.  That was kind of weird.

Of course, it wasn’t as weird as the other fantasy.

Nancy Harvester (Randi Oakes) has spent the past few years of your life taking care of her terminally ill uncle.  After her uncle passed, he left her a fantasy in his will.  He wants Nancy to enjoy life and finally get a boyfriend.  When Roarke informs Nancy why her uncle wanted his will to be read on Fantasy Island, Nancy replies that she’s never even been with a man and there’s no way she can make her uncle’s last fantasy come true.  (Her uncle’s last fantasy was for his niece to lose her virginity?  That is definitely kind of creepy….)  Fortunately, Nancy’s childhood crush, Gene (Jim Stafford), is on the Island and Roarke summons a special friend to give Nancy advise.

Meet Helen of Troy (played by Jill St. John)!

Yes, the same Helen of Troy who inspired one of the bloodiest and most tragic wars in ancient history is the person that Mr. Roarke recruits to give advise to Nancy.  I mean, was the mermaid busy?  What about Aphrodite?  Remember how Aphrodite lives on Fantasy Island?  Couldn’t Mr. Roarke have asked them to help out?

Interestingly enough, the dialogue between Helen and Roarke indicate that they are lifelong friends, which would indicate that Mr. Roarke is several thousand years old.  Helen also makes a few comments that suggest that she and Roarke were once quite close.  Was Mr. Roarke involved in the war with Sparta?  I wonder which side he was on.

But what about Nancy?  Does Helen help out Nancy?  Yes, of course she does.  This is Fantasy Island so, of course, Nancy and Gene depart on the same plane.

All fantasies come true on Fantasy Island, which is one reason why the original show continues to be so loved. I would argue that the reason why the recent Fantasy Island reboot failed was because it complicated things by attempting to explore the lives of the people who lived and worked on the Island, as opposed to just focusing on fantasies with happy endings.  For all the time that I’ve spent speculating about what the Island actually is and how it works, it ultimately doesn’t matter.  No one cares how Fantasy Island works.  All that matters is that it does.

So ends season 4 of Fantasy Island.  It was a bit of an uneven season.  The obvious hostility between Ricardo Montalban and Herve Villechaize made more than a few scenes a bit awkward to watch.  I miss the playfulness that defined their interactions during the earlier seasons.  But still, the Island is lovely and it’s fun to imagine what it would be like to really go there.

Next week, Roarke and Tattoo are joined by a new helper as the fifth season begins!