Today, as my fellow Texans vote in the nation’s first primary, I’m going to pay tribute to my state with the help of a few books. Today, we honor the romance of Texas!
Lifetime Film Review: Teenage Bank Heist (dir by Doug Campbell)
It’s just another day at the bank….
Cassie Aveson (Abbie Cobb) is a directionless teenager whose life has been going nowhere since high school. Her mother, Joyce (Maeve Quinlan), encourages Cassie to at least consider going to junior college but Cassie says that she’s not even sure that she ever wants to go to college at all. (I tried that same argument on my mom after I graduated high school. I didn’t get very far.) Wanting to spend more time with her daughter, single mother Joyce arranges for Cassie to get a job at the same bank where Joyce works.
So far so good, right? Unfortunately, when three masked robbers using voice distortion devices rob the bank, one of them grabs Cassie and takes her as a hostage. Another one of the robbers shoots a security guard. After the robbers take off with Cassie and $600,000 in stolen money, Joyce is shocked to discover that FBI Agent Mendoza (Rosa Blaasi) suspects that Cassie was in on the robbery.
“Do you have children?” Joyce asks Mendoza..
After hesitating, Mendoza admits that she does not. Well, that’s all we need to know about her! Unless you have children, you have no right to suspect that anyone’s child might be involved in a crime. So, I guess, maybe don’t join the FBI if that’s the case because your job is going to be super-difficult.
As for Cassie, she is innocent as far as the bank robbery is concerned. However, she does know the three people under the masks. She went to high school with them. Grace Miller (Davida Williams) is the concerned and responsible friend who is planning on going to law school, even if she’s currently serving as a get away driver. Marie (Augie Duke) is the bad girl who has a heavily tattooed boyfriend named Nick (James Ferris) and who was probably voted Most Likely To Shoot A Security Guard. And finally, Abbie (Cassi Thomson) is the apologetic outcast who Cassie was once suspended for defending.
It’s a teenage bank heist!
Released in 2012, Teenage Bank Heist is one of the best of the old school Lifetime films. It not only embraces the melodrama but it holds on tight and demands even more. Grace and Abbi have a reason for robbing the bank that goes beyond simple thrills but to reveal all of the details would not be fair to those who have yet to see the film. One of the joys of Teenage Bank Heist is that it’s a film that continually leaves you shocked as to how far it takes things. Teenage Bank Heist is totally over-the-top, ludicrous, and just a ton of fun. Watching this film, you will believe that a bunch of teenage girls can rob a bank and get involved in an international incident. You will also believe that a suburban movie can pick up a gun and become an ice cold vigilante when she needs to. It’s Lifetime at its best.
Early on in the film, there’s a beautiful shot of a bunch of loose bills floating in the air. It’s the type of shot that reminds us that we’re watching a film by Doug Campbell, who was responsible for the best Lifetime films. Teenage Bank Heist is currently streaming on Prime and Tubi and you should watch it immediately. Do it for every teenager who has ever literally had no choice but to rob a bank. It happens more often than you may think.
Song of the Day: The Day Is My Enemy by The Prodigy
Just as I did last year on this date, I’m picking today’s song of the day as much for the video as the song. By combining one of The Prodigy’s best songs with scenes from George Miller’s best film, whoever put this video together did a wonderful job!
Scenes That I Love: Lord Humongous Arrives in Mad Max 2
Today, we wish filmmaker George Miller a happy birthday!
Today’s scene that I love comes from 1983’s Mad Max 2 (a.k.a. The Road Warrior). In the scene, Lord Humongous and his followers arrive at a compound. Humongous and his followers are both ludicrous and menacing at the same time. While watching this scene, Miller makes sure that the viewer knows that, even if Humongous’s followers are a little bit daft, Humongous himself is truly dangerous.
4 Shots From 4 Films: Special George Miller Edition
4 (or more) Shots From 4 (or more) Films is just what it says it is, 4 (or more) shots from 4 (or more) of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 (or more) Shots From 4 (or more) Films lets the visuals do the talking.
Today the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to one of our favorite people, George Miller! The doctor-turned-director began his cinematic career with 1979’s Mad Max and he’s gone on to become one of the most influential and important filmmakers out there. In honor of George Miller’s birthday, here are….
4 Shots From 4 George Miller Films
Artwork of the Day: Sports Novels (Artist Unknown)
Music Video of the Day: Lost Track by HAIM (2022, dir by Paul Thomas Anderson)
Even before the release of Licorice Pizza, it was clear that Paul Thomas Anderson’s Haim videos constituted some of the best short films of the past decade. They were the perfect collaboration between a group of artists.
I’ve always liked Haim because they remind me of me and my sisters.
Enjoy!
[Verse 1]
Tryin’ to get on top
But it’s never easy
Mastered my own luck
But it wasn’t easy
I’m tryin’ to feel alright
Around all these people
I try, but I’m just numb
This time
[Chorus]
Deepest cut that I can’t feel
Found a grip on the steering wheel
I know a piece’s stuck
You can sit down if you don’t mind me standin’ up (Mind me standin’ up)
I know I was too good to pass (Too good to pass)
So me and you caused a chain reaction (Chain reaction)
I’ll take the smallest crumb
But I’ll never get back what I lost track of
[Verse 2]
Laugh when I’m still cryin’
Yeah, you know the deal
Burn but it’s still fine (Huh)
Yeah, you know the deal
Can’t redeem my love
That’s such a steal
But you can’t say I’m not tryin’
This time
[Chorus]
Deepest cut that I can’t feel
Found a grip on the steering wheel
I know a piece’s stuck
You can sit down if you don’t mind me standin’ up (Mind me standin’ up)
I know I was too good to pass (Too good to pass)
So me and you caused a chain reaction (Chain reaction)
I’ll take the smallest crumb
But I’ll never get back what I lost track of
Oh, I’ll never get back what I lost track of
I’ll never get back what I lost track of
I’ll never get back what I lost track of
[Outro]
I’ll never get back what I lost track
I’ll never get back what I lost track
I’ll never get back what I lost track
I’ll never get back but I’ve lost track
Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 5.11 “Concours d’Elegance”
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
This week, we say goodbye to a member of the highway patrol. Excuse while I wipe the tears away from my myopic eyes.
Episode 5.11 “Concours d’Elegance”
(Dir by John Patterson, originally aired on December 13th, 1981)
This is it. This the final episode to feature the character of Steve McLeish.
Played by a pre-transition Caitlyn Jenner, Steve was introduced as a replacement for Ponch while Erik Estrada was recovering from a stunt gone wrong. Once Ponch rejoined the series, there really wasn’t much for Steve to do but he still stuck around for a few episodes. He only appears for a few minutes in this episode. He arrests some joyriding teens who are constantly trying to get older people to buy them liquor. Maybe they should have asked Steve. He always seemed like was eager to please.
(I should mention that both of the “teens” appear to be in their 30s.)
I’m going to miss Steve, largely because Jenner’s bland performance was so bad that it actually became rather fascinating to watch. In this episode, he continues to deliver his lines with a puppy-dog earnestness that can’t disguise his total inability to show any emotion beyond wide-eyed wonderment.
As for this episode, it featured Baker and Ponch getting involved with a rich family. While matriarch Hannah Chadway (Claudette Nevins) tries to see Baker up with her niece, sleazy Anthony Chadway (Gary Graham) is illegally selling cars and using the family’s charity as a front. At one point, Hannah offers Baker a private security job. Baker turns her down. Couldn’t he have at least put in a word for his friend Steve? Ponch and Baker eventually take it upon themselves to tell Hannah that she needs to get her spoiled family under control. Hannah realizes they’re right. Personally, I would have told Ponch and Baker that it was really none of their business but that’s just me.
This episode feature two slow motion crashes, both of which are so severe that everyone involved should have been killed. (One accidents features not one but two cars flying through a trailer as it explodes.) Oddly, no one is seriously injured. I’m getting the feeling that CHiPs may not have always been a realistic show.
Retro Television Review: Miami Vice 5.17 “Freefall”
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!
This week, Crockett and Tubbs are burned out.
Episode 17 “Freefall”
(Dir by Russ Mayberry, originally aired on May 12th, 1989)
As this episode begins, we find Crockett and Tubbs at their most cynical. After five years as partners, they’ve seen a lot of bad guys go down. They’ve seen a lot of innocent people die. Larry Zito was killed by drug dealers. Switek has developed a gambling addiction. Gina has shot numerous men in cold blood. Trudy was kidnapped by aliens. Castillo has never once smiled. None of it seems to make any difference.
When the government approaches them and orders Crockett and Tubbs to go into a war-torn island country and smuggle out dictator General Manuel Borbon (Ian McShane), Crockett is not happy about the assignment. Tubbs, however, believes that the government is telling the truth about Borbon having information that could take down the world’s biggest drug cartel. The government, for their part, think that Crockett and Tubbs have the undercover experience to pull off the operation. Has the government not noticed that Crockett and Tubbs have had their covers blown in nearly every episode?
Of course, it turns out that the government is lying. They just wanted Borbon out of the country so he wouldn’t reveal what he knows about American intelligence’s activities in Central America. Crockett and Tubbs manage to get Borbon to Miami but they then find themselves under constant attack from the drug gangs that want Borbon dead. Borbon proves to be untrustworthy. Because of his gambling addiction, Castillo suspects that Switek may have sold out his partners. Switek responds by tracking down three hitmen and gunning them down. Did Switek sell out Crockett and Tubbs? The answer isn’t clear but it does seem like his time as a detective is coming to an end.
Finally, Tubbs and Crocket do what they have to do. They go on a “suicide” mission that involves them firing their weapons at Borbon’s sea plane until it explodes. Borbon is killed and so are several of his American associates. When the CIA man in charge of the operation threatens to have their badges, Crockett and Tubbs toss their badges on the ground. Castillo offers to back them up if they chose to stay on the force. Tubbs says thanks but no thanks. Tubbs is going back to New York. Crockett is heading further south, presumably to live in the Florida everglades.
And so, Miami Vice ends.
Except it doesn’t! There were four so-called “lost episodes” that aired in syndication. We’ll take a look at them over the next four weeks.
As for Freefall, it’s not a terrible conclusion to the story of Crockett and Tubbs. It stays true to the cynicism that ran though the entire series. Crockett and Tubbs finally admit that the War on Drugs is a sham and they quit. It’s a shame that Gina and Trudy didn’t get to do much in the finale. I wasn’t happy with the idea of Switek being a traitor but it actually did work for his character. Switek had been spiraling ever since Zito was killed. This episode has a lot of surprisingly violent action, the show’s trademark political subtext, and Johnson and Thomas bringing their characters to life one last time.
Apparently, this episode was originally envisioned as ending with both Crockett and Tubbs dying. That actually would have been a totally appropriate ending as both characters have often seemed as if they had a death wish. However, the network turned down that idea because they were hoping to do a spin-off series. Crockett and Tubbs were spared by the higher-ups. The series ends — or it would end if not for the four extra episodes — with Crockett and Tubbs speeding through the streets of Miami and it’s had not to feel that’s the way it should be.
Celebrate Texas Independence Day With The Pulps
Today is Texas Independence Day! 190 years ago today, 59 delegates signed the Texas Declaration of Independence and the Republic of Texas was born.
To celebrate this day, here are just a a sampling Texas art from the pulp and paperback era!
Happy Texas Independence Day!






























