Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell: The New Class, which ran on NBC from 1993 to 2o00. The show is currently on Prime.
It’s the summer that will never end!
Episode 2.16 “Back at the Ranch”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 29th, 1994)
Mr. Belding had so much fun working with the Gang at Palisades Country Club that he decides to take them on a week-long trip to a real-life, functioning “dude ranch” that is owned by Screech’s uncle, Lester (Lewis Arquette).
Uhmmm …. okay. Sure, that makes sense. Whatever.
Actually, it makes no sense. Do these kids not have families? It’s the summer so they all get jobs working for their principal and now they’re going to a ranch with him? And apparently, they’re going to be working as ranch hands or something? I mean, what the Hell? TAKE A REAL VACATION, KIDS!
Plus, since when has Screech had an Uncle Lester who owned a dude ranch? This has never been mentioned before. Screech apparently grew up around horses. Really? We’re talking about Screech here.
Anyway, Screech is excited to be at the ranch until he sees his cousin, Clint (Bart Johnson). Clint used to bully Screech when he was a kid and Clint still acts like he knows more about horse-riding and gold-prospecting than Screech. While Uncle Lester and Mr. Belding drive into town, Clint takes the Gang to search for gold in the hills. Screech stays at the ranch and has a dream where he’s in an old-timey western. Oh look! The townspeople are all played by members of the Gang! Tommy’s the blacksmith. Wow.
Screech wakes up and sees that the horses have returned but the gang hasn’t. That’s because Tommy didn’t adequately tie up the horses at the gold mine and they all ran off. Clint was heading back to the ranch when he got thrown from his horse. Now, he’s got a sprained ankle and there’s a rattlesnake nearby. It’s a good thing that Screech has got his bicycle so he can ride up into the hills and save everyone!
This was one of the stupidest things that I’ve ever seen in my life. And seriously, that’s all I’m going to say about it.
“I’m excusing a lot because I recognize the trauma and the loss you have suffered. But my patience isn’t limitless… unlike my authority.” — Inquisitor Gregor Eisenhorn
Xenos by Dan Abnett is one of the best places to begin a journey into the immense, intimidating fictional universe of Warhammer 40,000. The setting has decades of lore, countless factions, and a reputation for throwing newcomers into a blizzard of Gothic names, alien species, religious doctrine, and galaxy-wide war. Abnett gets around that problem by starting on a smaller, more personal scale. Rather than opening with armies of Space Marines firing bolters into a battlefield, Xenos follows an investigation. It is a mystery novel first, but one wrapped in political intrigue, supernatural horror, science-fiction adventure, and the oppressive atmosphere that makes Warhammer 40,000 unique.
The novel follows Gregor Eisenhorn, an Imperial Inquisitor investigating the suspicious death of another Inquisitor and the possible return of an infamous forbidden text. What initially appears to be a contained case grows steadily more complicated, carrying Eisenhorn from the polished halls of the powerful to the dangerous, hidden corners of the Imperium. Along the way, he encounters criminal networks, secretive cults, alien interests, old enemies, and clues suggesting that the threat he is following is far larger than it first appears. That is about as much as the plot should be revealed going in. One of Xenos’ greatest pleasures is seeing an investigation expand in unexpected directions as Eisenhorn realizes that every answer seems to reveal another, more disturbing question.
For newcomers, Eisenhorn is a perfect guide through the setting because his job gives him access to virtually every level of Imperial society. The Inquisition is the Imperium’s feared internal-security and investigative force, responsible for hunting down threats such as heresy, Chaos corruption, rogue psykers, dangerous mutants, and alien infiltration. Its three major branches are the Ordo Xenos, which deals with alien threats; the Ordo Malleus, which combats daemonic and major Chaos threats; and the Ordo Hereticus, which investigates internal heresy and corruption within humanity. Eisenhorn belongs to the Ordo Xenos, although Xenos quickly makes it clear that the lines between those responsibilities can become blurry when an investigation leads into forbidden knowledge and the influence of Chaos.
Inquisitors operate with enormous authority inside the sprawling hierarchy of the Imperium’s bureaucracy. They can demand cooperation from military officers, nobles, bureaucrats, religious leaders, and law-enforcement agencies alike, often placing them effectively above the normal chain of command. That vast authority makes them necessary in an empire as corrupt, unwieldy, and permanently threatened as the Imperium, but it also makes them frightening. Eisenhorn can investigate almost anyone, order arrests and executions, seize resources, and disregard ordinary procedure if he believes the situation demands it. The novel’s central moral tension comes from that power: what happens when someone entrusted with protecting humanity has the freedom to do almost anything in its name?
That question gives Xenos considerably more weight than a straightforward sci-fi detective story. Eisenhorn is not a traditional hero, though he is clearly written as the protagonist and often comes across as intelligent, disciplined, and committed to his work. He believes in the Imperium, believes in his duty, and believes that evil has to be confronted before it spreads. At the same time, he works inside a system where fear and brutality are normal tools of governance. An Inquisitor cannot afford to be naïve, especially when dealing with Chaos, cults, and conspiracies built around forbidden knowledge. But Abnett constantly pushes Eisenhorn toward uncomfortable choices, forcing him to decide how much compromise is acceptable when the enemy is capable of manipulating minds, corrupting souls, and destroying worlds.
That is one of the major reasons the book works so well. Warhammer 40,000 can sometimes feel like a setting built from giant concepts: eternal war, fanatical religion, ancient aliens, grim military hardware, and cosmic evil. Xenos does not ignore any of those things, but it makes them matter on a human level. The Imperium is not merely described as a brutal galaxy-spanning empire; Abnett shows how it functions through its people and institutions. There are noble houses, archives, cults, scholars, law officers, ship crews, bureaucrats, mercenaries, and citizens who have learned to survive under a regime where suspicion can be fatal. The book makes the Imperium feel less like a background painting and more like a living, oppressive civilization.
Abnett’s greatest strength is his ability to reveal the setting without drowning the reader in exposition. There are plenty of unfamiliar terms in Xenos, especially for readers coming in cold, but the novel rarely stops to hand over a rulebook-style explanation. You learn about the Warp because it is dangerous and uncanny whenever it enters the story. You understand Chaos because its influence produces paranoia, violence, and spiritual corruption. The Eldar are introduced not as a long historical lecture but as secretive, ancient, unsettlingly intelligent outsiders with motives that human characters cannot fully grasp. That approach preserves the sense that this universe is far bigger than Eisenhorn’s current case, while still making the plot easy to follow.
The pacing is helped by the fact that Abnett never lets the story remain in one mode for too long. Xenos begins with the mood of an investigative thriller, but it gradually expands into something stranger and more dangerous. The novel moves through crime scenes, aristocratic gatherings, interrogation rooms, alien ruins, dangerous underworld spaces, and moments of full-scale action. That variety keeps the book from becoming too bleak or static. The setting is absolutely grim, and the violence can be nasty, but there is also a strong sense of momentum and adventure. Abnett knows that the horror of the 41st Millennium is more effective when the reader is also excited to see what strange corner of it comes next.
His prose is another major advantage. Abnett writes in a style that is clean and readable without losing the ornate, Gothic flavor of the setting. He can handle action well, especially when Eisenhorn and his team are forced into sudden violence, but he is arguably even better with atmosphere. Some of the novel’s most memorable scenes involve conversations where nobody says exactly what they mean, tense interrogations, the discovery of forbidden evidence, or the lingering sense that an apparently routine lead has opened a door that should have remained closed. He gives Xenos the feel of a noir investigation filtered through a nightmare version of space opera.
Eisenhorn’s supporting cast helps keep the novel grounded. Aemos, his loyal savant, brings experience and knowledge to the team, while the warrior Midas Betancore adds a practical edge to their fieldwork. Alizabeth Bequin, whose unusual nature is tied to some of the setting’s stranger ideas, becomes one of the more intriguing figures around Eisenhorn. Each character has a defined role, but they are not simply pieces of equipment for the Inquisitor to deploy. Their reactions to danger, secrecy, and Eisenhorn himself make it clear that he may possess enormous legal authority, but he still depends on people he cannot completely control.
The relationship between Eisenhorn and Bequin is especially effective because Abnett does not force it into an overly simple romance. In a lighter setting, their dynamic might become predictable, but Warhammer 40,000 is not a world where emotional connection comes without consequences. Their growing trust is complicated by secrets, duty, personal history, and the fact that Eisenhorn’s work places everyone around him in danger. The novel is stronger for that restraint. It understands that Eisenhorn’s position makes ordinary human relationships difficult, and that the pressure of the Inquisition can turn even loyalty into something painful.
If there is a weakness in Xenos, it is that the middle section can occasionally feel rushed. Abnett covers a lot of territory, introduces several important concepts, and puts Eisenhorn in contact with a broad cast of characters. Some supporting figures and locations are memorable but could have used a little more time to develop. The book also has the feeling of a first installment in a larger story, particularly as Eisenhorn’s moral compromises begin to take shape. Still, that is not a serious flaw. The novel provides a satisfying central investigation while clearly establishing bigger questions that continue through Malleus and Hereticus.
What ultimately makes Xenos such a successful novel is that it understands the appeal of Warhammer 40,000 without relying entirely on surface-level spectacle. The setting has no shortage of memorable imagery: skull-covered cathedrals, psychic powers, ancient alien technology, daemon-haunted worlds, and armies fighting endless wars across the stars. But Abnett gives all of that a purpose by focusing on a man trying to hold onto his principles in a universe that rewards ruthlessness. Eisenhorn is not merely fighting cultists, aliens, and supernatural conspiracies. He is fighting the possibility that protecting humanity may require him to become something he once would have condemned.
For longtime fans, Xenos offers a welcome change from stories focused solely on battlefield carnage. It shows the day-to-day machinery of the Imperium, the political paranoia beneath its religious language, and the hidden wars being fought far away from the front lines. For newcomers, it is an especially good entry point because it does not require prior knowledge of the tabletop game, its codices, or its enormous chronology. It introduces the setting’s major ideas through a compelling story rather than a lecture.
Xenos is suspenseful, violent, atmospheric, and smarter than many people may expect from a novel tied to a miniature wargame. Dan Abnett turns the colossal scale of Warhammer 40,000 into a strength, giving readers glimpses of a universe full of horrors while keeping the narrative centered on one investigation and one increasingly compromised man. It is a highly entertaining science-fiction thriller in its own right, but it is also one of the clearest demonstrations of why Warhammer 40,000 has endured for so long. If someone wants to take their first step into this massive fictional universe, Xenos is a smart place to start.
Whenever I watch 2010’s Birdemic, I wonder how the birds could possibly want to destroy a civilization that is capable of something like Hanging Out With My Family.
Today, the Shattered Lens wishes a happy birthday to director James Nguyen! Today’s scene that I love comes from Nguyen’s masterpiece, 2010’s Birdemic: Shock and Terror!
Those who claim that Brian De Palma stole too much from Hitchcock obviously never met James Nguyen.
4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
Happy birthday to director James Nguyen! It’s time for….
4 Shots From 4 Films: Special James Nguyen Edition
Julie and Jack (2003, dir by James Nguyen)
Replica (2005, dir by James Nguyen)
Birdemic (2010, dir by James Nguyen)
Birdemic 2: The Resurrection (2013, dir James Nguyen)
The music video for Sussudio was filmed at The Princess Victoria, a London pub that, at the time, was owned by Richard Branson.
This video was directed by Jim Yukich, a frequent Collins collaborator who has basically directed videos for everyone who was anybody in the music business.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
This week, a man rides a motorcycle and jumps over a plane. Also, God bless Eunice Kennedy Shriver.
Episode 6.6 “Something Special”
(Dir by Charles Bail, originally aired November 21st, 1982)
Ponch is working with the Special Olympics and is upset to discover that Mr. Grieve (Bert Kramer) isn’t even planning on coming out to see his son, Nicky (Ricky Wittman), compete. Ponch does some research and discovers that, in his youth, Mr. Grieve was an Olympic runner. Ponch tells Mr. Grieve that his son is an athlete too, just in his own way. Personally, I think Ponch should have beaten the hell out of Mr. Grieve and then arranged to adopt Nicky himself, but that’s just me.
Yes, this was yet another story where Ponch was the all-knowing wise man who knew how to fix everything. As I’ve said before, CHiPs eventually became The Ponch Show, and Ponch could do no wrong. Sometimes that could get annoying. In this case, though, I’m fully on Ponch’s side. I should mention that this has more to do with the Special Olympics than with any sudden affinity for Ponch as a character. The Special Olympics are one of the few good things that the Kennedy family has given us, and they always make me tear up. That was certainly the case with this episode.
This episode also featured a motorcycle daredevil! Now, I have to admit that I have a weakness for motorcycle daredevils. My inner country girl loves watching men risk their lives by jumping over wrecked cars and through rings of fire. In this episode, Shake Patterson (Robbie Knievel) wants to jump over a moving airplane, and his old friends Bobby and Bruce Nelson agree to work as his pit crew. There wasn’t much to this story, but I still got a little excited when Shake managed to clear the plane.
With Ponch coaching the Special Olympics and the Nelson brothers helping Shake risk his life, you may wonder if anyone actually did any police work in this episode. Klane (Charles Napier) has recently been laid off from his job at an auto factory. Now he is seeking revenge by vandalizing Japanese and German cars. Eventually, the Highway Patrol tracks him down to a warehouse. Klane has a bottle labeled “Nitroglycerin,” and he’s threatening to break it. Fortunately, Kathy Linahan (Tina Gayle) is able to convince him to give her the bottle and surrender.
Poor Klane! As played by Charles Napier, you couldn’t help but feel a little sorry for the guy. He wasn’t evil. He was someone who had lost his job and now felt like he didn’t have anything left to contribute to the world. He lost the one thing that gave his life meaning.
You know what? Considering that this is a final-season episode of a show that was definitely showing its age, “Something Special” is actually pretty good! (You thought I was going to say it was something special, didn’t you? I was tempted, but I decided that was too easy.) This was a throwback to what CHiPs did best. There was a daredevil stunt. There were plenty of chases. There was a lot of California scenery. And finally, there was that last title card, thanking the athletes of the Special Olympics.
It’s time for me to list my Oscar predictions. As far as wild speculation is concerned, the current Oscar race still feels like it’s off to a slow start. There seems to be a general assumption that The Odyssey is going to dominate both the nominations and the awards, and that there isn’t much point in considering what else could be nominated.
I do think The Odyssey is going to be a big contender. I also think Project Hail Mary will still be in the conversation at year’s end. Fjord won the Palme d’Or at Cannes, which has become a fairly good precursor for nominations, if not for the actual awards. As for the rest of the nominees, it’s still pretty much a guessing game at this point.
Here are a few of my guesses:
Digger will not be the powerhouse some people are predicting. Even when he was winning Oscars, Alejandro G. Iñárritu was still a dreadfully pretentious and self-important director. That tendency has only increased in the years since he won his second directing Oscar.
Michael will get a lot of hype, but it won’t be nominated for much because of the controversy around Michael Jackson’s later legal troubles. Colman Domingo might still get in, because the Academy always enjoys nominating someone for playing a bad father.
The Social Reckoning and Ink will both get middling reviews, but both will be nominated for reasons that have more to do with politics than quality.
Wild Horse Nine will be nominated but, like most of Martin McDonagh’s films, people will either love it or hate it. John Malkovich will be a strong contender for Best Actor, if only because he’s not getting any younger and this might be the Academy’s last chance to honor one of the best actors of his generation. Either Steve Buscemi or Sam Rockwell will be nominated for Supporting Actor. I went with Buscemi because he’s never been nominated before.
The Debut, I Play Rocky, and Mr. Irrelevant will benefit from being crowd-pleasers.
In the style of Siân Heder’s previous film, CODA, Being Heumann will be the nominee that nobody really thinks about until after it’s actually nominated.
You can check out my predictions from March, April, May, June, and July to see how my thinking has evolved over the year.
Best Picture Being Heumann The Debut Fjord I Play Rocky Ink Mr. Irrelevant The Odyssey Project Hail Mary The Social Reckoning Wild Horse Nine
Best Director
Danny Boyle, Ink
Phil Lord and Christopher Miller, Project Hail Mary
Martin McDonagh, Wild Horse Nine
Cristian Mungiu, Fjord
Christopher Nolan, The Odyssey
Best Actor
David Corenswet, Mr. Irrelevant
Matt Damon, The Odyssey
Ryan Gosling, Project Hail Mary
Anthony Ippolito, I Play Rocky
John Malkovich, Wild Horse Nine
Best Actress
Sandra Hüller, Fatherland
Ruth Madeley, Being Heumann
Julianne Moore, The Debut
Inde Navarrette, Obsession
Renate Reinsve, Fjord
Best Supporting Actor
Steve Buscemi, Wild Horse Nine
Matt Dillon, I Play Rocky
Colman Domingo, Michael
Paul Giamatti, The Debut
Jeremy Strong, The Social Reckoning
Best Supporting Actress
Colleen Camp, Club Kid
Anne Hathaway, The Odyssey
Sandra Hüller, Project Hail Mary
Scarlett Johansson, Paper Tiger
Samantha Morton, The Odyssey
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Crime Story, which ran on NBC from 1986 to 1988. The entire show can be found on Tubi!
This week, Frank Homan returns.
Episode 1.17 “The Battle of Las Vegas”
(Dir by Aaron Lipstadt, originally aired on February 6th, 1987)
The hotel and resort workers of Las Vegas are going on strike, and when union leader Slim Mahoney (Frederick Coffin) tells Luca that the unions have no interest in working with the mob (ha!), Luca responds by having Pauli use a big truck to run Slim over.
With Slim dead, Luca tries to maneuver a mob stooge named Sam Taylor (Lee Ving) into the presidency of the union. When Mahoney’s protégé, Roger Jankowski (Anthony Heald), argues that the union cannot sell out to the mob, Abrams and Torello show up at a union meeting to reveal that Sam is crooked and to lead everyone in a pro-union chant. Really?
Okay, the union stuff was a little bit too on-the-nose and silly. That said, at least Stanley Tucci showed up as a bombmaker who was recruited to make trouble for the striking workers. Unfortunately, for those hoping to see him in future episodes, he ended up getting arrested and apparently hanged himself in his cell.
The highlight of this episode wasn’t any of the union stuff. It was the return of Frank Holman (Ted Levine). When we last saw Holman, he was testifying that Luca was a crime boss (true) and that Torello was on the take (false). When Luca and Pauli come across Holman performing with a rock-and-roll band in Vegas, they have a surprising reaction. They drive Holman out to the middle of the desert and .… forgive him. Of course, Holman does make the claim that the only reason he lied about Torello was so that the case against Luca would fall apart. Could Holman be telling the truth? I doubt it. Holman doesn’t seem to be that smart. But Luca decides that he doesn’t care one way or the other, and he welcomes Holman back into his organization.
Why is Luca so forgiving? My personal theory is that Holman, like Pauli, is a symbol of everything that Luca gave up to become a power in Las Vegas. Luca was probably at his happiest when he was breaking into houses with Pauli and Holman. Now that he’s the boss, he doesn’t get to do the dirty work anymore. And yet, it’s obvious that Luca misses it. He’s a born criminal. For that reason, he’s willing to keep Holman and Pauli around, regardless of how much they screw up. In his way, Luca is the most sentimental character on the show.
Of course, Luca isn’t one to let sentiment get in the way of making money. Some things just take precedence.