In 2007’s Welcome to Paradise, Crystal Bernard stars as Debbie Laramie. Debbie is a preacher who belongs to one of those weird Protestant churches where it’s apparently appropriate to heckle someone while they’re giving a sermon. After Debbie scandalizes her parish by removing her jacket while preaching, she is reassigned to a church in the small town of Paradise. Apparently, this is not the first time that Debbie has been reassigned. She’s a rebellious preacher who does things her own way or, at least, that’s what we’re told. (She doesn’t ever seem that rebellious to me, but then again, I’m used to the Jesuits.) Debbie’s teenage son certainly isn’t happy about having to move again.
In Paradise, Debbie makes a name for herself by reaching out to the town’s surprisingly large homeless population. She invites a street performer named Trevor (Lou Beatty, Jr.) to play his guitar at the church. She holds a potluck dinner to help feed the residents of the local shelter. When a sudden storm approaches, she allows Frances (Beth Grant) to spend the night on the church’s back porch. (Debbie tries to convince Frances to come home with her, but Frances doesn’t want to impose.) Unfortunately, Frances gets cold and tries to build a small fire for warmth. The next thing anyone knows, the church is burning down.
A snooty bishop tells Debbie that the decision has been made to revoke the church’s charter and that all the members will be assigned to the new megachurch. Debbie, however, has already found an abandoned barn that she thinks she can turn into a church, and a local businessman named Bobby Brown (Brian Dennehy—wait, BRIAN DENNEHY!?) has agreed to help fund the new church. Debbie is told that if she can have everything ready to go in a week, the church will keep its charter. Otherwise, Debbie will have to find yet another new job, her son will have to move again, and the residents of the shelter won’t have anywhere to go.
This film wasn’t actually that bad. I liked the fact that it not only took place in small-town Texas but also captured the feeling of living in a small town. Paradise is the type of town where the richest man in town owns a used car lot and where everyone lends a helping hand to those in need. If this were a horror movie, of course, the town would have turned out to be a haven for vampires. Since this was a religious movie, it just turned out to be a nice place to live. Crystal Bernard gave a likable performance as Debbie, and Brian Dennehy, of course, was perfectly cast as the gruff but good-natured businessman. There were actually quite a few familiar faces in the film. William Shockley, Beth Grant, Ken Jenkins, and Jim O’Heir all made appearances. Even comedian Timothy Stack showed up in a small role.
In the end, Welcome to Paradise is a sweet-natured and likable movie. If it had been set during a December snowstorm, it could have easily been mistaken for a Hallmark film.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
This week, some of the players get trapped in the woods.
Episode 5.8 “Vindication”
(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on December 6th, 1989)
It’s time for the Barbara Ann Awards.
The Barbara Ann Awards are a never-before mentioned annual tradition in which Dr. Death, Jethro, Bubba, and Zagreb go to a cabin in the woods with a bunch of women and the women compete to be the new Barbara Ann. Yep, it’s just as sleazy as it sounds. Fortunately, this year sees the players being stalked by two mask-wearing, chainsaw-carrying psychoes. While the women hide in the cabin, the players go out to battle their stalkers and, instead, they end up getting caught in a net. Oh no! Is this the end of the California Bulls? (Well, four of them, at least….)
Fortunately, no. It turns out that it was all a practical joke that was set up by the women. Yay! Put those men in their place! The players are so impressed that they give the title of Barbara Ann to the woman who came up with the joke. This whole thing was pretty silly but at least it felt appropriate for October viewing.
The episode’s other storyline featured Johnny Gunn being interviewed by reporter Susan McDermitt (Catherine MacNeal). With protestors constantly picketing the games and calling Johnny a murderer, TD Parker (OJ Simpson) figures that it’s time for some damage control. TD understands just how damaging it is to the reputation of the game to have a player who is routinely accused of being a murderer.
So, Susan and Johnny go to Johnny’s hometown in Pennsylvania. We learn about Johnny’s past as a foster kid and a high school football star. In a somewhat implausible scene, Johnny’s ex-girlfriend (Tally Chanel) admits on camera that she lied about what happened the night that Johnny killed a man. It turns out that Johnny was actually acting in self-defense.
“I’m glad that’s taken care of!” OJ says as he watches the news report.
This is another episode of 1st & Ten that’s impossible to watch without thinking about OJ Simpson’s later life. Every time OJ started to talk about how unfair it was that Johnny was being judged for being a murderer, I cringed just a little bit. The episode’s contention that one positive news story was all Johnny needed to get on with his life was almost charming in its naiveté.
Next week …. well, who knows? Hopefully, it won’t involve any more murders.
For tonight’s televised horror, we have another episode of the Boris Karloff-hosted anthology series, Thriller!
In this episode, a religious fanatic in a named Freitag (Martin Gabel) lives in a resort community and targets young people who he believes have failed to live up to his standards. His latest targets are played by Olive Sturgess and Richard Chamberlain. This is actually a rather grisly little episode. With its theme of religious hypocrisy, I can only imagine how people reacted when it was first aired on November 1st, 1960.
Having left the X-Men after the death of Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), Logan (Hugh Jackman) is now living as a hermit in the Canadian wilderness. He is haunted by dreams of his past and visions of Jean. (In the X-Men comic books, Scott Summers was the one who went off to live as a hermit and was haunted by memories of Jean, but since Scott was killed off in X-Men: The Last Stand, Logan was the one who got this story and the visions of lingerie-clad Jean, despite never having been in a truly romantic relationship with her.) Logan is drawn out of hiding by Yukio (Rila Fukushima), a mutant who can predict when people are going to die. Yukio works for Ichiro Yashida (Haruhiko Yamanouchi), a Japanese industrialist who first met Logan during World War II. Logan saved Yashida’s life when Nagasaki was bombed.
Logan and Yukio return to Japan, where Logan discovers that Yashida is on the verge of death. Yashida and Dr. Green (Svetlana Khodchenkova) have apparently developed a way to transfer Logan’s self-healing powers to Yashida, but Logan refuses to cooperate, explaining that immortality is a curse. When Yashida dies, Logan finds himself at war with the Yakuza and also without his power of self-regeneration.
The Wolverine isn’t bad. Even though Logan is no longer as interesting a character as he was when he made his first film appearance in X-Men, the film features some of the best action sequences to be found in the entire X-Men franchise. The extended fight sequence that takes place on top of a bullet train is especially exciting, and it holds up even when you watch it a second time. Unlike the previous X-Men film, The Wolverine makes good use of its characters. The Silver Samurai may be a lesser villain in the comic books, but in this movie, he was one of the few opponents who seem able to match Logan’s combat skills. For the most part, the movie respects the lore of the comic books without getting bogged down in mythology.
Wolverine finally makes peace with himself at the end of this movie. Of course, as soon as he does, Ian McKellen and Patrick Stewart show up with a new mission for him. A hero’s work is never done.
Ryan and Emily Fleege (played by Chris J. Murray and Brit Shaw) have just moved into a new home with their six-year-old daughter, Leila (Ivy George). They are being visited by both Ryan’s brother, Mike (Dan Gill), and Emily’s best friend, Skyler (Olivia Dudley). While cleaning out the garage, Mike and Ryan come across an old video camera and several VHS tapes featuring young Katie and Kristi from the previous Paranormal Activity films. It turns out that their house has been built over the remains of Katie and Kristi’s old house and that the old video camera can pick up and record traces of ghosts and evil spirits.
That last bit is exactly why this installment of Paranormal Activity doesn’t work. The previous films were scary because the characters could hear and sometimes feel the spirits but they couldn’t actually see them. That always left open the possibility that they were just imagining things. In this one, everyone can actually see the evidence of the house being haunted but they still don’t leave! This is the first Paranormal Activity to make heavy use of CGI, which goes against the whole idea of the films being found footage.
The other problem is that, six films in, the Paranormal Activity series finally fell victim to its own increasingly complex mythology. The first two films worked because they kept things simple. Things started to get more complicated during the third film. By the time Paranormal Activity: The Ghost Dimension was released, the story had grown to include a coven of witches, a family curse, a demon named Toby, and now a camera that can film otherwise invisible spirits. The more elements that are added, the harder it is to ignore the holes in the plot and illogical actions of the characters.
I would have ended things with the second film, but I also would have lost out on all the money made by the third, fourth, and fifth films. Even this installment, which was the weakest box office performer of all of the films, still made a profit. That shows how much I know.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, it’s love and fraud all aroud.
Episode 8.17 “Ace Takes the Test/The Counterfeit Couple/The Odd Triple”
(Dir by Nell Cox, originally aired on January 12th, 1985)
Ace’s friend Donna (Teresa Ganzel) boards the ship with her macho husband, Gus (Christopher Mayer). Gus owns a moving company. The first thing he does is crush Ace’s hand while shaking it. Gus then beats Ace in an arm-wrestling contest. He then asks Ace to solve a riddle, requests that Ace read the bottom line on a menu, and he asks about Ace’s hearing. Is Gus jealous?
Actually, Gus is testing Ace because he and Donna want to have a baby but Gus appears to be shooting blanks. Gus explains that all of his brothers have at least six kids. Gus just wants to have one. Would Ace consider donating his sperm?
Ace does consider it but ultimately, he decides that he can’t. Fortunately, Donna later faints and, when Doc Bricker examines her, he discovers that she’s pregnant. Gus’s boys can swim after all!
Meanwhile, Susie Epshaw (Crystal Bernard) has a crush on Gopher but Gopher falls in love with Susie’s mom, Annette (Mary Ann Mobley). Susie is okay with it and good for her. Gopher was a little bit old for her. That said, Gopher falls in love several times a season so neither Susie nor her mother should get too excited.
Two strangers (Richard Gilliand and Erin Moran) both buy tickets from scalpers, just to find themselves booked in the Honeymoon Suite together. (Apparently, the couple that originally bought the tickets broke up before the marriage.) “Barbara” and “Lyle” pretend to be married and then they fall in love for real. They admit the truth to the crew and everyone is just fine with the fraud. As long as the tickets were paid for, the Captain doesn’t really care who stays in the Honeymoon Suite. That’s a good attitude. I was a little surprised to discover that the Honeymoon Suite was just a normal cabin.
This cruise was another example of the eighth season’s tendency to be, in general, pleasant but predictable. I laughed a few times at Ace being tested by Donna and Gus, just because of the contrast between super smooth Ted McGinley and the rough-hewn Christopher Mayer. Otherwise, this was a cruise that wasn’t bad but also wasn’t particularly memorable.
AI is not always great. I do use it a lot for patent-related work, legal questions, and drafting legal documents. However, for AI to be a tool- you can’t be one. A guy jogs in casual Friday gear, he gets shot with a tree dart, hallucinates, and is kidnapped by a large bat-crow. I never thought about making something boring. Maybe, my writing is not always great, but I don’t think it’s boring.
If the apocalypse is this boring, I pass. Maybe it’s just crow-related apocalypses that are boring? I’m not sure, but this was 4 minutes of my life that was stolen from me. Just stolen!
“It’s what we do, Rose. We continue.” — Frank Parker
The scariest thing about the Parker family is how much of their cruelty falls under the heading of being a good parent. That’s the ugly little truth running through Jim Mickle’s We Are What We Are, a horror movie where providing for your children and destroying their lives have become practically the same thing. Released in 2013, this loose remake of Jorge Michel Grau’s 2010 Mexican film builds its nightmare around a household that treats cannibalism as an inherited obligation. The premise sounds outrageous, but Mickle approaches it with enough seriousness to make the family’s beliefs feel disturbingly entrenched. The result is less about the shock of what these people eat than the damage done by teaching children that love requires unquestioning obedience.
The Parkers’ carefully insulated existence begins to unravel when their mother suddenly dies, leaving teenage daughters Iris and Rose to take over her responsibilities. Unfortunately, those responsibilities include preparing the family’s annual ritual meal. Their father, Frank, considers maintaining that tradition nonnegotiable, regardless of what his daughters might think or feel. Meanwhile, relentless rain starts bringing evidence of the family’s activities into the open, attracting the attention of local physician Doctor Barrow. It’s a straightforward setup, but the competing pressures work well together: the world outside is getting closer just as life inside the house becomes increasingly unbearable.
What makes the family unsettling is that their behavior follows a recognizable domestic logic. Frank expects his daughters to help around the house, care for their younger brother, Rory, and preserve the values he believes hold them together. Those expectations aren’t inherently sinister. The horror comes from what he has attached to them. Murder and cannibalism have become extensions of household duty, protected from scrutiny by the idea that previous generations knew best. Mickle doesn’t need to make every conversation openly threatening. Once that arrangement becomes clear, even an ordinary instruction carries the possibility of something awful.
Bill Sage makes Frank a convincingly suffocating presence. He isn’t an entertaining monster whose outrageous behavior gives the audience permission to enjoy him. He’s a miserable, controlling father whose certainty leaves almost no room for anyone else. Sage understands how frightening it can be when someone treats his authority as a fact of nature. Frank doesn’t think he needs to win an argument because he barely recognizes that an argument could exist. His grief complicates the performance without excusing him. He has lost his wife, but his response is to force his daughters deeper into the system that shaped her life.
Ambyr Childers and Julia Garner provide the emotional weight as Iris and Rose. Childers gives Iris the worn-down composure of someone being pushed into adulthood before she has had much opportunity to understand herself. Garner makes Rose’s resistance feel less like easy rebelliousness than a growing inability to tolerate what everyone else insists is necessary. Their performances work especially well together because the sisters don’t respond to their circumstances identically. Love keeps them connected, but it doesn’t erase their differences. They’re trying to protect each other while navigating a household that has taught them to confuse protection with participation.
That ambiguity is one of the film’s strongest qualities. Iris and Rose are victims of their upbringing, but they’re also being drawn into perpetuating its violence. Mickle doesn’t flatten that situation into a simple division between innocent children and an evil adult. Instead, he lets the discomfort linger. Understanding why the sisters struggle to resist doesn’t make the consequences disappear. Their affection for Rory adds another painful layer, since caring for him means deciding whether to preserve the only family structure they know or recognize how dangerous that structure has become. The stakes are emotional long before they become physical.
The atmosphere reinforces that feeling of a household slowly poisoning itself. Rain hangs over everything, and the woods surrounding the Parker home offer little sense of freedom. Cinematographer Ryan Samul gives the film a muted, damp beauty that makes the setting feel both natural and faintly diseased. Inside, the worn rooms suggest generations of people living under the same expectations. Nothing needs to announce itself as sinister because the whole place feels burdened by repetition. The house isn’t frightening because it looks unfamiliar. It’s frightening because its familiar domestic spaces have been organized around something nobody is allowed to question.
Mickle’s slow pacing generally suits that approach. He lets silence, routine, and uncomfortable proximity do much of the work, saving explicit violence for moments when it can actually break through the film’s restraint. That patience makes the horror feel embedded in everyday life rather than dropped into it for a quick reaction. Still, there’s a difference between letting tension develop and simply holding a mood, and the movie occasionally drifts toward the latter. A few stretches repeat the same emotional information without finding a fresh angle. The oppressive atmosphere remains effective, but the storytelling doesn’t always move with equal confidence.
The outside investigation is the clearest example of that limitation. Michael Parks brings welcome sadness and gravity to Doctor Barrow, but his search sometimes feels more mechanically plotted than the family drama. We’re waiting for him to establish what the movie has already made clear, which takes some urgency out of his discoveries. The historical flashbacks have a similar drawback. They give the ritual a background, but the explanation is less compelling than watching its influence play out between living people. The film is strongest when it stays close to the sisters and lets inherited belief reveal itself through behavior rather than additional exposition.
When the ending finally tears through that restraint, the violence feels like a release of everything the family has kept buried. It’s messy, startling, and open to debate as a culmination of the sisters’ psychological journey, but it certainly refuses an easy resolution. We Are What We Are has its slow patches and occasionally spells out ideas that are already clear. Even so, its performances and oppressive sense of place make it a strong, deeply unpleasant family horror film. What stays with you isn’t simply the cannibalism. It’s Frank’s conviction that passing his damage on to his children is the most loving thing he can do.
One of my favorite things about my lifetime of loving movies has been those times when I’ve discovered the actors who really appeal to me. It all started with Charles Bronson when I was in grade school. I call it going through a phase, and while I’m in that phase, I try to watch everything that actor has done that looks the least bit interesting to me. Of course, my Charles Bronson phase has never ended, but there has always been room for additional phases, whether it be actors like Roy Scheider, James Woods, Toshiro Mifune, Chow Yun-Fat, or yes, Michael Caine. When I went through my initial Caine phase, I focused on movies like THE ITALIAN JOB, GET CARTER, and DRESSED TO KILL. Later in his career, I focused on his movies like A SHOCK TO THE SYSTEM, SECONDHAND LIONS, and HARRY BROWN. I knew about THE HAND, but I never watched it before moving on to the next phase. But this being Horror-Thon, and me looking for interesting movies I’ve never seen before, this seemed like the perfect time to spend a couple of hours with Michael Caine and his hand!
THE HAND finds Caine playing Jonathan Lansdale, a successful comic book artist whose life takes a turn for the worse after a car accident results in the gruesome loss of his right hand. That would be bad enough for anyone, but his newfound situation will no longer allow him to create his beloved comic book, and his struggling marriage only seems to be getting worse. When a series of increasingly disturbing events seem to be taking place around him, we’re left to wonder… is his missing hand somehow responsible for the escalating violence around him, or is he going out of his mind?!
One of the intriguing aspects of THE HAND is that it was directed by Oliver Stone who would go on to win Oscars for directing the films PLATOON and BORN ON THE FOURTH OF JULY. Having just won the Oscar for Best Screenplay for MIDNIGHT EXPRESS, Stone was a hot property at the time so it’s no surprise that he was given another chance to direct. He had written and directed the film SEIZURE back in 1974, but this was his first major studio film. With a man of his acclaim and talent in the director’s chair, and with a legendary actor like Michael Caine in the lead, THE HAND would have to be worth watching, right?
I’m going to definitely say “Yes!” Watching Stone deliver the absurd visuals of a creepy severed hand performing a series of gruesome killings brought a ridiculous smile to my face. I’m actually laughing as I type this and think about them again. Not content with my cheap thrills though, Stone also tries to get deep into his main character’s mind so he can play with the uncertainty between reality and imagination. I’m not saying this attempt at psychological depth always works, but it’s kind of fun seeing him try to turn such silly material into something of more substance.
And then there’s Caine in the lead role, which is my primary reason for watching the film. I always like it when he loses it on screen, and he definitely gets to explore his dark side as Jonathan Lansdale. There’s nothing suave about this guy. Rather, he’s playing a man whose life is falling completely apart. While we can at least superficially understand why he would be so frustrated, Caine’s eyes reveal a man who’s leaving the world of reality, and there’s no scenery that he’s not willing to chew by the end. I’ve read that Caine did this movie for the paycheck, and while that may be true, he definitely seems invested to me. Other solid performances come from Andrea Marcovicci as his wife, Bruce McGill as his friend, and Annie McEnroe as his lover. Unfortunately, no one who gets too close is safe from his hand of death!
I understand that not everyone is going to enjoy THE HAND. I’ve said many times before that I’m a fan of actors, and if a movie stars one of my favorites, I’ll give it a lot of grace. Still, I can’t deny that I had a good time watching it even if it might have overstayed its welcome just a bit. While I won’t give the movie a hearty, full-throated recommendation, if you’re a fan of Stone, Caine, or oddball horror films, you just may find a lot to enjoy about this film like I did.