WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU (1980) is the story of Agent 999 (Norman Chu), an agent of the Central Surveillance Agency, who comes to a remote island to catch the notorious criminal, Rolex (Melvin Wong). Once he gets there, he discovers that the island is overrun by crazed cannibals and is ruled over with an iron fist by a power mad Chief (Eddy Ko). Chief hoards the human meat of unsuspecting travelers who happen upon the island for himself and his soldiers, leaving the villagers to starve. As Agent 999 continues his investigation and tries to avoid becoming lunch, he finds out that the repentant criminal Rolex has become the Chief’s aid in order to expose the evils of the island to the authorities on the mainland without having to go back to jail himself. When Rolex’s plans don’t work out, Agent 999 must then team up with a goofy thief (Hon Kwok-Choi) to fight off the cannibals, save his newfound love (Michelle Kim), and get the hell off of the island in one piece!
The second film to be directed by Hong Kong icon Tsui Hark, WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU is a wild hybrid film that leans heavily into horror, comedy and martial arts. It’s an odd mix that contains jarring shifts in tone, a staple of Hong Kong Cinema of the 80’s. One minute we’re watching men have their arms cut off and their guts ripped out, only to immediately shift to slapstick rape humor, before shifting to badass martial arts / roller skating kung fu action choreographed by a young Corey Yuen. Completely unpolished in terms of production values, it’s acquired somewhat of a cult classic status due to its raw energy, gory subject matter, directorial pedigree, and anti-communist political themes. I thought Norman Chu was good as Agent 999, even if his charismatic agent isn’t always as observant as we’d hope he’d be. Eddy Ko, who is in one of my favorite Hong Kong films, THE MISSION (1999), can be both menacing and goofy as the Chief who will pretty much do anything to preserve his power and supply of meat. The island village puts off its own scary vibes with its creepy slaughterhouse and masked cannibals, always at the ready to hack off a body part. It adds up to a rather unique viewing experience.
While WE’RE GOING TO EAT YOU is certainly not for everyone due to its subject matter, those who appreciate the frenetic action of Hong Kong cinema will enjoy this film. It will also fit the bill for those who like kung fu action mashups served with sides of gory gore and silly giggles. Just don’t expect it to have the polished look of Hark’s later films such as PEKING OPERA BLUES (1986) and ONCE UPON A TIME IN CHINA (1991).
In 1980, Dean Koontz was hired to write a novelization of The Funhouse. At the time, he was not yet a household name. He still regularly worked as an author-for-hire under a string of pseudonyms; for this book, he originally published as Owen West. While Tobe Hooper was in pre-production, Koontz was assigned to turn Larry Block’s screenplay into a fast, accessible novel. He was not particularly impressed by Block’s story, but he liked the idea of writing about a carnival. Production delays meant the novelization reached stores in late 1980, months before the film. It sold well at first. When the movie finally opened in 1981 and did disappointing business, the book’s sales collapsed. Years later, after Koontz had become a bestselling author in his own right, The Funhouse was reissued under his real name.
The first thing that stands out is how little the novel has in common with Hooper’s film. The movie, of which I am a fan, is a fairly straightforward, atmosphere-heavy slasher. Teenager Amy and her three friends hide in the funhouse after the carnival closes, witness a murder, and find themselves hunted by a carny and his son. Those elements are all present in Koontz’s book, but he adds a large amount of backstory, most of it centered on Amy’s alcoholic mother, Ellen.
In the novel, Ellen is the ex-wife of Conrad the carny. A runaway, she married him without realizing he was a Satanist who hoped she would give birth to the Antichrist. When their demonic infant attacked her, Ellen crushed the baby. Conrad swore revenge: he would let her go so he could hunt her down later and destroy whatever family she built. What plays as random bad luck in the film becomes something very different here. Over the years, Conrad and his second son, the deformed Gunther, take their carnival from town to town in search of Ellen and her new family. The other carnival workers are drawn as sympathetic figures, people on the margins who have formed a family of their own and have no idea how depraved Conrad and Gunther really are.
Family is the novel’s real subject. Ellen has remarried and has two children, Amy and Joey. In the film, Amy is a typically naïve final girl, and Joey is an annoying brat who sneaks out to the carnival. Ellen appears only briefly and makes little impression, though she is seen drinking as Amy leaves the house. In the book, Ellen hits Amy when her daughter says she is pregnant, then pays for the abortion because she fears Amy might give birth to the Antichrist. Joey is terrified of Ellen and runs away to the carnival because, like Ellen before him, he wants an escape from a dysfunctional home. The contrast between the carnies’ supportive found family and Amy and Joey’s abusive “respectable” household is easy to spot, but it still works.
Koontz’s eye for detail and his gift for vivid characterization lift The Funhouse above the usual horror novelization. The plot is occasionally stretched thin. Conrad’s revenge scheme never quite makes sense. What if Ellen had stayed unmarried and never had another child? Even so, Koontz keeps the action moving and is smart enough to lean into the melodrama without apology. He even lands a surprisingly moving final scene.
This is a case of a novelization that diverges sharply from its source. I like both Hooper’s film and Koontz’s novel. They are both wonderfully macabre. The film is true to Hooper’s aesthetic. The novel is pure Koontz.
A two-season docuseries that aired on HBO, The Vow featured former members of the NXIVM cult telling their stories and trying to downplay their own involvement in all of the cult’s crimes. In one of the show’s key scenes, former filmmaker and NXIVM follower Mark Vicente angrily exclaimed that anyone could get brainwashed. Anyone could become a member of a cult.
I have never really believed that.
I’ve sat through several documentaries and docudramas about cults. I have listened to countless interviews with disillusioned former members. One thing that has always really stood out to me is that people who get brainwashed and join cults are usually some of the stupidest, flakiest people in the world. Inevitably, they always say they felt they were missing something in their lives and that they needed a greater purpose. And to that, I say, “Big deal.” If something’s missing from your life, volunteer at a soup kitchen. Don’t give up your identity for a commune. Cults seem to appeal to weak-willed people who want to be told that they’re victims first and individuals last.
I found myself thinking about all of this as I watched 2024’s Devil on Campus: The Larry Ray Story. Based on a true story, Devil on Campus opens in 2010 with Larry Ray (Billy Zane) showing up at his daughter’s dorm room at Sarah Lawrence College. Larry has just been released from prison, though he claims that he was set up by Rudy Giuliani and former NYPD Commissioner Bernie Kerik. Larry is charismatic and energetic. He has a gift for telling stories that sound like they could potentially be credible as long as you don’t give them too much thought. Larry also has a lot of money and, at the start, he seems to have a generous nature.
Larry is soon living in the dorm room and controlling the lives of both his daughter and her roommates. He can be tough. He can be erratic. But he repeatedly tells all of them that he’s just trying to help them. Larry encourages them to express their emotions and to cry and to have sex with each other. Eventually, he encourages them to live in an off-campus apartment with him, to work (without pay) on his family farm, and finally to work as sex workers. Eventually, some break away from him and some do not. It’s good that some realized the truth, but it’s hard not to be disappointed that it took them so long to do so.
Though a few names have been changed, Devil on Campus sticks close to the facts of the case. The movie works largely due to Billy Zane’s bigger-than-life screen presence. The minute that Zane appears in the film, he dominates every frame. He plays Larry as someone smart enough to know that the way to keep people from questioning you is to just keep talking. Larry instinctively recognizes when someone is too weak-willed or slow-witted to resist being manipulated. Zane’s performance dominates the film. His victims, on the other hand, come across as ciphers, but perhaps that’s a reflection of reality. Regardless of what Mark Vicente claimed in The Vow, not everyone is dumb enough to get brainwashed.
As for the real-life Larry Ray, he’s currently in federal prison. He’s scheduled to be released in 2071, when he will be 111 years old.
Last year, I reviewed A LOT of AI horror films and yes…most were terrible. It is sad that these films exist and someone spend time making them. However, there are some that are not the worst.
“They Have Awakened” by Ethan is a super short film on Antarctic explorers who find a cave that is just chock full of Cthulhu…Cthulhus(?)…Cthulhossiers(?). Cthulhossiers are like other Cthulhus, but they’re mostly into college hoops.
The explorer team finding Cthulhus is essentially a sub-genre; the stories are always the same, BUT some times the rendering is slightly better. I am actually tired of explorers continuing to unleash Cthulhus- can’t they be like the other Antarctic scientists that I’ve met and just turn to alcoholism and amphetamines?
The film is aggressively mediocre, but it’s only 4 minutes and change; so, have an oat-forward pancake and spend four minutes watching.
Pablo Larraín’s 2008 film Tony Manero tells the story of an odd man named Raúl (Alfredo Castro). At the height of the Pinochet dictatorship, Raúl lives in a dilapidated boarding house with his girlfriend’s family. The boarding house has a small stage for putting on shows, and Raúl uses it to choreograph dances that pay tribute to his favorite movie, Saturday Night Fever, and his favorite character, Tony Manero. Raúl is a quiet man who comes to life whenever he imitates John Travolta’s dance moves. He goes to see Saturday Night Fever on a daily basis and can recite all of the dialogue by heart. A Chilean TV show is hosting a Tony Manero look-alike contest, and Raúl is determined to win. He even gets a white suit and looks forward to becoming a star instead of just a poor nobody.
That may sound like the setup for a heartwarming, crowd-pleasing movie, but it is not. Raúl is a bitter and paranoid man in his 50s. He’s on the short side. Despite owning a white suit and being able to do all the moves, he really doesn’t look much like Tony Manero. Throughout the film, he goes out of his way to find the secret to becoming Tony Manero. (He becomes obsessed with making the boarding house stage light up just like the disco dance floor in the movie.) But the truth of the matter is that he is not Tony Manero. He is not a charismatic young man trying to find himself in Brooklyn. He is a rather creepy and obnoxious middle-aged man living under a dictatorship. The film turns into a full horror film as it becomes obvious how far Raúl will go to accomplish his dream. When the kindly theater owners swap out Saturday Night Fever for Grease, Raúl is not pleased.
There is a humorous scene early in the film in which Raúl shows up at the television studio in his Tony Manero costume, only to discover that he has gotten the date wrong and has shown up a week early. Everyone in the studio is dressed up to look like Chuck Norris. At the same time, the subtext is very serious. Director Pablo Larraín is showing the influence of American culture on Chile and commenting on American involvement in helping Pinochet take power in 1973. While Raúl tries to turn himself into Tony Manero, people are informing on their neighbors and dissidents are being executed in the streets. Raúl is indifferent to the violence around him. (When he witnesses an execution, his response is to loot the body.) While his girlfriend’s son gets involved with the anti-Pinochet underground, Raúl focuses on trying to transform himself into Tony Manero. In Saturday Night Fever, Tony Manero can escape his oppressive home life by riding the train to a different borough. Raúl doesn’t have that option.
Seen from today’s perspective, Tony Manero’s portrayal of Pinochet’s Chile brings to mind what a lot of people wanted America to become during the COVID era, complete with secret police, neighborhood informants, and the rich getting to flout the rules while the poor were expected to be happy with whatever crumbs were left over. If Raúl survived the Pinochet years, it is easy to imagine him in his 90s, reporting his neighbors for not wearing a face mask and then settling in to watch Saturday Night Fever for the thousandth time.
At the start of 2022’s Nightmare PTA Moms, Gayle (Brianna Cohen) and Rick (Jonathan Stoddard) have just relocated to Florida. Rick is the new regional manager for everyone’s favorite chic retail outfit, Jackie Z. Gayle is looking forward to reopening her bakery, Gayle’s Goodies. (If there’s anything that I’ve learned from watching Lifetime movies, it’s that there’s apparently nothing easier than opening up a bakery in a new town.) Gayle and Rick’s teenage daughter, Chloe (Madison Paige), will soon be starting at her new high school. When Gayle meets PTA president Vanessa VanDeBerg (Alison Filoramo), she’s invited to join. Gayle accepts.
Gayle has no idea what she’s getting into.
Under the velvet glove of Vanessa, the PTA has become a cult. No husbands are allowed at the after-meeting parties. They would ruin the mood as Vanessa hands out tequila shots and invites a male stripper into the house. Don’t tell, Vanessa orders, largely so she can seek revenge against anyone who does tell. Vanessa enjoys being PTA president and she’s not going to let anyone take that joy away from her. Of course, the only reason that Vanessa is president is because the woman who actually won the election, Lexie Wilson, supposedly committed suicide a month after his victory. And then Vanessa’s husband mysteriously fell to his death. “Vanessa doesn’t like to talk about that,” another member of the PTA warns Gayle.
Meanwhile, Chloe has befriended Vanessa’s daughter, Serena (Gracie Silva). Yay! Whenever you’re starting a new chapter in your life — whether it’s a new school or a new job — you should always befriend the most popular people around. However, Serena is soon taking advantage of Chloe’s friendship. Serena insists that Chloe use her Jackie Z discount card to pay for Serena’s purchases. Serena also steals a pair of sunglasses. I don’t really blame Serena. Those sunglasses were pretty cute.
Soon, Gayle is asking questions about all of the deaths surrounding the PTA and Vanessa is vamping it up whenever she stops by Jackie Z. Gayle worries that Rick is going to cheat. Rick worries that Gayle is going to get hurt if she doesn’t stop poking around the PTA. Chloe worries that she’s going to be friendless. The only person who doesn’t seem to be all that worried is Vanessa. That’s what makes her a great character. As played by Alison Filoramo, Vanessa is an unapologetic manipulator. She’s the epitome of the mean girl grown up, delivering every passive aggressive line with just the right amount of snarky menace. It’s not just that Vanessa’s bad. It’s that she has so much fun being bad. Gayle may be the hero but Vanessa is the character that most viewers are going to enjoy watching.
Nightmare PTA Moms is a delight, an unapologetically over-the-top film that is fully willing to embrace the melodrama. That said, there’s definitely an element of truth to the film’s portrayal of self-important, self-absorbed, affluent people who have joined the PTA not because they care about their children’s education but instead because they just love to wield even the smallest amout of power. As campy as the film may have been, it worked because there was just enough reality to make the film relatable. After living through the COVID lockdowns, it’s not longer a shock to see a movie about an entitled sociopath who thinks that she has the right to tell other people what to do, what to think and what to say.
Based on a novella by Stephen King, The Mist opens the morning after a sudden thunderstorm in Maine. Artist David Drayton (Thomas Jane) steps outside and sees that a tree has crashed through one of his front windows. Meanwhile, his neighbor, attorney Brent Norton (Andre Braugher), stares at the tree that has crushed his car. Though David and Brent are not exactly on friendly terms, the storm briefly brings them together. When David says that he’s going into town to pick up supplies, Norton asks if he can come with him. David’s wife stays back at the house while David drives his son (Nathan Gamble) and Brent to the local grocery store. Before David leaves, he notices a thick mist moving over a nearby lake.
The entire town is without power and the grocery store is crowded. Three soldiers, who are picking up supplies before going on leave, are told that the leave has been abruptly canceled. Once the mist surrounds the store, it soon becomes obvious why that is. There are monsters in the mist and David, Norton, and several others find themselves trapped in the store. Going outside, as some insist on doing, only leads to death at the hands of the Lovecraftian monsters that inhabit the mist.
The Mist was first released in 2007 and I have to admit that I didn’t care much for it the first time that I saw it. I thought that some of the performances were a bit too histrionic and the film’s dark ending was almost too portentous to be credible. When I first saw it, I thought the film was almost trying too hard with the tragic conclusion. However, when I recently rewatched the film, I discovered that it had grown on me. I was better able to appreciate the fact that the monsters were both ludicrous and deadly at the same time. Performances that once seemed over-the-top in 2007 now seemed almost subtle when compared to how I’ve seen people actually behave in the real world over the past ten years. Once you’ve been yelled at for not wearing a mask while jogging, it’s a lot easier to buy the idea of a bunch of people in a grocery store losing their collective minds. Even the film’s dark ending now seemed like the only honest way the film could have ended.
The Mist is a film that plays much differently in a post-COVID world. The idea of innocent people losing their lives because of an accident at a government lab no longer seems all that unbelievable. The argument about whether or not to leave the store mirrored many of the same arguments that I heard during the COVID lockdowns. If Mrs. Carmody (Marcia Gay Harden) and her followers originally seemed like standard Stephen King religious fanatics, Carmody now brings to mind the loathsome Randi Weingarten and her insistence that the only way to defeat COVID was to sacrifice the future of the young. Even the film’s final moments of self-destruction reflected the attitude that many had in 2020, that the situation was hopeless and that there was no escape beyond waiting for the world to end. The final image of one man, driven mad and screaming, brings to mind both the fate of the typical Lovecraftian explorer and also the excesses of the COVID era. That Stephen King continues to be one of the major defenders of these excesses brings a wonderful irony to the film’s subtext.
The Mist has definitely grown on me. It still has its flaws but those flaws are less of a problem now than they were in 2007. In 2007, The Mist seemed overlong. In 2026, that 2-hour running time feels like a relief from the slow-moving miniseries that have become a signature part of the streaming age. Even Thomas Jane’s performance, which seemed rather stiff when I first saw the movie, has improved in hindsight. His tight-jawed stoicism makes his eventual breakdown all the more effective. Everyone reaches the limit, the film seems to be saying.
The Mist is a film that has aged well. It’s one of the better Stephen King adaptations, one that largely stays true to the source material while still having the courage to develop its own identity. The first time I saw it, I was wrong about The Mist. It’s a film that deserves to be remembered as one of the most relevant horror films of the past 20 years.
“No tears, please. It’s a waste of good suffering.” — Pinhead
Hellraiser does not ease viewers into its nightmare; it drags them straight into a world where desire, suffering, and obsession have become impossible to separate. Written and directed by Clive Barker from his own novella The Hellbound Heart, the film is bloody, unsettling, weirdly intimate, and much more serious than its pop-culture reputation might suggest. Yes, it is the movie that introduced Pinhead and the Cenobites, but the first Hellraiser is not really a Pinhead showcase in the way later sequels became. It is a rotten little domestic nightmare about lust, betrayal, obsession, and the kind of desire that keeps going long after it should have destroyed a person.
Barker’s big strength is that he does not treat horror as something separate from human craving. In Hellraiser, pain and pleasure are tangled together from the opening scene. Frank Cotton is not some innocent fool who accidentally opens a cursed puzzle box. He actively seeks it out because normal pleasures no longer satisfy him. He wants sensation pushed past every limit, and the Lament Configuration gives him exactly that—just not in the way he expected. The Cenobites arrive with their chains, hooks, leather, scars, and ritualistic calm, offering a version of experience so extreme that it turns the body into something almost unrecognizable. That premise is memorable on its own, but Barker makes it work because Frank is already spiritually disgusting before hell ever gets involved.
The movie’s real surprise is Julia Cotton, played brilliantly by Clare Higgins. Julia could have been a standard unfaithful wife character, someone introduced merely to create tension inside the Cotton family. Instead, she becomes the dark heart of the film. Her attraction to Frank is not romantic in any healthy or even conventionally sensual sense. It is tied to resentment, boredom, humiliation, and a kind of violent need to feel alive. When Frank returns in his skinless, barely human state and needs blood to regenerate, Julia does not hesitate for long before becoming his accomplice. The scenes in which she lures men back to the abandoned house are among the movie’s most disturbing moments precisely because they are played with such cold purpose. She does not seem possessed. She is making a choice.
That decision gives Hellraiser a nasty emotional edge. Frank is obviously monstrous, but Julia is arguably scarier because she begins as an ordinary person trapped in a miserable life and willingly walks into atrocity. Higgins gives the role a detached, almost aristocratic chill. Her face barely needs to change for the audience to understand that something terrible is happening behind her eyes. The film’s central house becomes an extension of her inner life: dusty, decayed, closed off, and hiding a nightmare in the upstairs room. There is something grimly effective about the fact that the gateway to hell is not in an ancient castle or a faraway cemetery. It is in a family home where people are supposed to start over.
Andrew Robinson also deserves credit as Larry, Julia’s decent but oblivious husband. He is not the most dynamic protagonist in horror history, but that works for the story. Larry is a fundamentally ordinary man who cannot imagine the depths of corruption already moving around him. His blindness is frustrating, but it also reinforces the movie’s worldview. In Hellraiser, the people closest to us may carry desires we cannot see, and the house itself may preserve the damage left behind by old secrets. Ashley Laurence, as Larry’s daughter Kirsty, gradually becomes the film’s moral center. She is not an especially flashy final girl at first, yet Laurence gives Kirsty intelligence and genuine fear. Once she learns what the box can do, her panic feels grounded because she understands she has stumbled into something far beyond a killer with a knife.
Then there are the Cenobites, who remain some of the most striking horror creations of the decade. Doug Bradley’s Pinhead is the obvious standout, but the film wisely uses him sparingly. Pinhead is not a slasher villain who runs around collecting bodies. He is more like a supernatural official, a priest of pain carrying out a horrifying contract. Bradley’s measured voice and theatrical stillness make the character far more unsettling than a louder performance would have. The famous line, “We have such sights to show you,” works because it is delivered with calm conviction rather than rage. Pinhead is not trying to scare Kirsty for fun. He genuinely believes that torment and ecstasy are parts of the same revelation.
The other Cenobites matter too. Butterball, the Chatterer, and the Female Cenobite create the feeling that Pinhead belongs to a larger order rather than simply functioning as a lone monster. Their designs are grotesque but carefully composed, full of exposed flesh, surgical markings, and fetishistic costume details. They do not look like demons from a traditional Christian image of hell. They look like beings who have remade themselves according to an alien set of desires. That is where Barker’s imagination really separates Hellraiser from more conventional monster movies. The Cenobites are not just evil creatures. They are explorers of sensation who have gone so far beyond humanity that morality barely applies to them anymore.
The practical effects are still a major reason the film holds up. Frank’s gradual reconstruction from blood-soaked remains into a mutilated human body is disgusting in the best possible way. It has a tactile quality that CGI rarely captures. You can see the slime, the tissue, the half-formed muscles, and the painful labor involved in putting a body back together. Even when some of the effects show their age, they retain a handmade ugliness that fits the movie’s atmosphere. Nothing in Hellraiser is clean or sleek. The supernatural realm looks damp, industrial, and biological, as if hell were built out of meat, rust, chains, and bad memories.
Christopher Young’s score also does a lot of heavy lifting. It gives the movie a gothic grandeur that makes the story feel larger than its limited locations and modest budget. The film is mostly confined to a house, a hospital, a few streets, and the Cenobites’ shadowy realm, yet the music makes it feel like a grand tragedy unfolding behind the walls. That contrast is one of the movie’s best tricks. Hellraiser can be intimate and theatrical at the same time. It is essentially a chamber piece about a broken family, but it plays like a myth about forbidden knowledge.
If the film has a weakness, it is that its final stretch gets a little messy. The confrontation with Frank has some excellent makeup work and gruesome imagery, but the pacing becomes more conventional once Kirsty is forced into full survival mode. The ending also feels slightly rushed considering how carefully Barker establishes the family tension earlier on. Still, the movie earns enough goodwill through its atmosphere, performances, and imagination that these flaws do not do much damage. If anything, the roughness adds to its charm. Hellraiser feels like a filmmaker throwing every dark idea he has onto the screen and trusting the audience to follow him into the abyss.
What makes Hellraiser endure is not simply the gore, the puzzle box, or Pinhead’s instantly recognizable appearance. It lasts because it understands that horror is often rooted in the things people want but are ashamed to admit they want. Frank wants infinite sensation. Julia wants escape and emotional intensity. Kirsty wants to save her family but must confront how little of that family was worth saving. The Cenobites offer no easy moral lesson; they are simply waiting for someone foolish or desperate enough to open the door.
Casual viewers looking for a straightforward slasher might find Hellraiser slower and stranger than expected, especially if they only know the character of Pinhead through sequels, posters, and parody. But for anyone willing to meet it on its own grim terms, it remains one of the most original supernatural horror films of its era. It is gross, stylish, perverse, tragic, and surprisingly sad beneath all the blood. Barker did not just create monsters. He created a nightmare universe where desire becomes a trap—and where opening a small box can ruin everything.
Today’s horror on the lens is a true classic, 1965’s Planet of the Vampires!
Directed by the great Mario Bava, Planet of the Vampires follows a space expedition that lands on a seemingly dead planet. The members of the expedition soon discover that the undead aren’t just an Earth phenomenon. This atmospheric mix of horror and science fiction was later acknowledged as being a major inspiration for Alien.
Up until I checked the schedule to see whether or not the Big Brother finale was going to be two hours, I didn’t realize that CBS was going to be airing the second leg of The Amazing Race on Friday. Since I already had something else planned for Thursday night, I didn’t get a chance to watch the latest episode of The Amazing Race until this morning.
I was really happy about the second leg taking place in Madrid. My maternal grandmother was born in Spain and came to the United States after World War II. (Growing up, I was usually the only girl in any of my classes who knew who General Franco was.) I love Spain, even if it is currently being governed by a smug Socialist.
My sister Erin Nicole and I often joke about trying out for The Amazing Race and I think we would have done well during this leg. I would have let her do the Roadblock with the tomatoes. We definitely would have been able to tell the difference between Puerta del Sol and Puerta del Sur. I would have totally dominated the Slice of History detour. Along with the fact that our grandmother was born in Spain, I’ve got a degree in art history and I’m a big history nerd in general. I would not have needed to ask the locals who Picasso was and who Dalí was. We would have made it to the pit stop without having to use the express pass and I totally would have hugged Phil when he said that we were team number one.
I rolled my eyes a bit when Ann-Marie and Riley decided to form the Boss Lady alliance with Ali & Joanna, Jody & Jenn, and Dafina & Saran. I always cringe whenever the people on this show, Big Brother, or Survivor try to do the “all-girls alliance” thing because it always starts with everyone going, “Girl power!” and it always ends with people getting mad over the pettiest of things. We saw some of that during last night’s episode, when Ali ignored Dafina at the roadblock. I also noticed that, for all the talk of women supporting other women, they didn’t bother to invite Katie & Charlotte to join the alliance. In truth, The Amazing Race is not a game that really benefits from alliances. I can think of one season in which an alliance really worked and most of the viewers hated that season because the alliance members were all so unlikable.
(Interestingly enough, Ann-Marie and Riley also suggested that all of the players doing the Slice of Ham roadblock should work together as well. Ann-Marie’s definition of working together appears to be that everyone else should do all the work while she benefits. If I seem to have issues with Ann-Marie, it’s just because I can imagine her being the passive-aggressive HOA president from Hell. Of course, if I was actually running the Race, I would want to get Ann-Marie eliminated because there’s only room for one Marie.)
In the end, the main lesson of this week’s episode was to always make sure that you’re on the right train. Katie and Charlotte got on a train going to Puerta del Sur instead of Puerta del Sol and it basically led to their elimination.
Here are my thoughts on how each team is looking after this leg.
Coming in first were the soccer players, Ali and Joanna. Ann-Marie and Riley really want to work with the soccer players but I never really got the feeling that Ali and Joanna really wanted to work with them. Ali and Joanna are too competitive for that. I personally would not enter into an alliance with Ali. It’s hard for me to trust someone who won’t stand up for her own country’s national anthem.
Coming in second were Michelle & Matthew. Michelle and Matthew are a strong team, even if Michelle did go a little bit overboard while yelling at Matthew during the Roadblock. So far, they’ve finished 3rd and 2nd and they’ve done it without wasting an express pass.
Coming in third were Cody and Jaime. Cody and Jaime used their express pass to get out of doing Slice of Ham. They seem like a strong team and I was touched by their backstory. I’m hoping for the best for them.
Coming in fourth were Ann-Marie and Riley. Initially, I liked the mother-daughter team but, after tonight’s episode, I just see them as being the type of neighbors who smile when they visit and then make fun of your furniture when they think you’re not listening.
Jody and Jenn came in fifth. They totally wasted their express pass to get out of doing the Slice of History detour. Jody said that, as a history teacher, she was embarrassed. She should have been. Seriously, I’ve got no respect for that team now.
Daisha and Dalton used their express pass to get out of doing the Roadblock and they still only came in sixth. If I were them, I would be worried.
Erin and Javi came in seventh. I actually liked Erin and Javi more during the second leg than I did the first. They work well together.
Coming in eighth were Anuar and Andrea. My main impression of them is that Andrea is one bad leg away from having a massive meltdown.
Conner and Garrett finished in ninth place. I was a bit surprised that they finished so far back. Conner and Garrett seem like a strong team, though. I expect they’ll be around for a while.
Doug and Dylan came in tenth. I like Doug and Dylan but they’ve really struggled and they no longer have an express pass. I don’t think they’re going to be racing for much longer.
Dafina and Saran came in eleventh. They were doing well until they hit the Slice of History detour. They no longer have an express pass but I think they’re still stronger than they seemed to be last night.
Finally, Charlotte and Katie came in last and were eliminated. They got on the wrong train and it cost them.
Six express passes have been used. The express passes are only good through the sixth leg. Here’s who still has them:
Ali & Joanna
Michelle & Matthew
Ann-Marie & Riley
Anuar & Andrea
Conner & Garrett
Next week, the teams head to Morocco and discover a whole new twist!