2019 was a year when humans everywhere proved that they should just be quiet and let cats run the planet. Well, 2019 is over now. It’s 2020 and hopefully, everyone will try to do better over the upcoming 12 months….
Of course, they probably won’t. This is going to be a crazy year, because the humans in America are having an election in November and it seems like 60% of them have already climbed up to the top of the tree and decided to try to jump back down to the patio without even bothering to estimate the distance of their fall!
So you know what?
When the outside world gets too insane or annoying or whatever, we want to provide a place for you to escape. This year, the TSL is 10 years old and the Shattered Lens humans have got a lot planned! They’re going to make 2020 a great, great year!
So, remember — when things get crazy and when everything just seems to be too weird to deal with, TSL is here for you!
Here’s what we have to look forward to in 2020: the Oscars! New films from Christopher Nolan, Ridley Scott, Edgar Wright, and Paul Greengrass! The next stage of the MCU! A thousand streaming services! Baby Yoda! The Many Saints of Newark! Cannes! Sundance! Theme months! Embracing the Melodrama! Back to School! Shattered Politics! 18 Days of Paranoia!
Welcome to 2020! Let’s make it great one and, when in doubt, look to the cats for wisdom!
Doc Bowman here with a very special holiday message!
Tomorrow is Halloween, which my owners — the flame-haired one and the nice one — says is the greatest time of the year! It’s the time when kids get candy, horror movies are on TV, and my owners get to play dress up or, if it’s anything like last year, barely get dressed at all.
But it’s also a time when stupid people do bad things. I’m a black cat so both the flame-haired and the nice-one say that I’m not going to be allowed go outside at all tomorrow. They say it doesn’t matter how much I beg, I’m staying inside. I know they’re doing the right thing but I’m still going to beg and knock things off of tables and counters because I’m a cat and that’s what I do. And they’re going to hopefully give me a lot of treats and pet me to keep me happy, even though they’ll probably have to lock me in the flame-haired one’s room to keep me from running for the front door every time they open it for a trick or treater. That’s just the way thing go at the cat’s house.
Tomorrow night, please make sure that all your pets are safely inside. It may sound like a silly concern but not everyone out there is as nice and wonderful as my owners and the people who read this site!
Happy Friday the 13th from the humans and the cats of the Shattered Lens!
Today is a very special day. It’s the first Friday the 13th of 2019! It’s the unluckiest day of the year so take our advice and be careful out there. In fact, maybe don’t go out at all. Are you reading this at work? Well, make up an excuse and go home. Are you reading this at home? Well, get out of there and go some place safer, like maybe work.
Have you broken a mirror today? If yes, it’s time to go into hiding.
Have you knocked on wood? If no, get to knocking.
Have you thrown salt over your shoulder? If yes, please be aware that the effectiveness of salt in warding off evil spirits has been greatly exaggerated.
Today is Friday the 13th so we advise you to either stay inside and watch the movies or maybe go camping and live them for yourself. But, most of all, be careful and enjoy this day!
From all of the writers and the cat here at the Shattered Lens: Happy 152nd birthday, Canada!
O Canada! How we love you! It’s not just that your people are nice and your basketball teams are impressive. It’s not just that your wilderness is beautiful and your cities are gorgeous. It’s also that so many great movies have been made by or have starred Canadians! The first Canadian film was produced in 1897 but the Canadian film industry really took off in the 70s and the 80s. That’s when Canadian directors like David Cronenberg, Atom Egoyan, and others started to make films that were both uniquely Canadian and, at the same time, universal in their appeal. At the same time, that’s also when Canadian generous tax shelter laws lured a countless number of low-budget productions to the country. Though these films were often disguised as being American productions, they gave early work to several talented Canadian actors and technicians.
Here’s just a few of our favorite Canadian films:
The Canadian film industry has continued to grow, giving us everyone from James Cameron and Denys Arcand to Xavier Dolan and Denis Villeneuve. Along with some wonderful films, Canada has also given us Degrassi and a countless number of Lifetime movies! No wonder the flame-haired one loves Canada so much!
So, Canada — Happy Birthday! Thank you for being you and thank you for not taking it personally that time America tried to invade you back in 1812. We love you, Canada!
Someday, when the humans sit down and try to figure out what led to the cats losing all respect for them and subsequently conquering the world, it will be because of days like this. It’s April Fools Day, a day when people express their love for each other by playing mean jokes and telling viscous lies. Today, thousands of people will briefly think they’ve gotten a promotion at work. Others will celebrate the news of an unexpected pregnancy or they’ll be shocked to learn that their cousin got married over the weekend. There’s going to be a lot of drama and, in the end, it’ll all end with someone yelling “April Fools!” That’s supposed to make it all okay.
Today will be a day of hurt feelings and anger so we here at the Shattered Lens suggest that you spend today watching a movie. Actually, we suggest that you watch at least four movies. Maybe even five. Just watch however many movies you need to watch in order to ensure that you have an excuse not to interact with anyone today. Stay off social media. Avoid twitter. For the love of God, don’t go anywhere near Facebook. Turn off your phone and don’t check your email.
Just watch the movies and make sure that your cat is properly taken care of. If ever there’s a day that should make you appreciate the straight-forward pragmatism of a cat, it should be today. In this history of this cursed holiday, no cat has ever been an April fool. To be an April fool, you have to make the mistake of caring about whether or not your cousin got married in Vegas over the weekend. Cats know better. Being a cat means never having to say that your sorry. It also means never falling for any human pranks.
Happy April Fools Day, everyone.
On this day, watch a movie. May I suggest starting with this one?
As you probably noticed from today’s previous posts, it’s Oscar Sunday!
For many humans and cats, today is an unofficial holiday! Today is the day that we find out who and what the Academy has selected for the best of last year! We may agree. We may disagree. But a lot of us will be watching!
Happy Oscar Sunday, everyone! Please enjoy today’s Oscar-related posts. Who knows? We might even toss in some non-Oscar related posts as well! You never know!
(Next year’s sure winner for Best Supporting Kitty, Goose!)