Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, I learned that there’s no way to escape the Bradys!
Episode 2.6 “Mike and Ike / The Witness / The Kissing Bandit”
(Dir by Allen Baron and Roger Duchowny, originally aired on October 21st, 1978)
This week, The Love Boat continued to be a floating HR nightmare as Newton Weems (a very young Billy Crytsal) donned a mask and spent his nights running around the ship and kissing every single woman that he came across. Fortunately, Newton’s such a fantastic kisser that no one demands that the police be alerted. Unfortunately, with every woman on board eager to get kissed, that means that no one is reacting to the lame flirtations of Doc, Gopher, and the Captain. The Captain decides that the best way catch the Kissing Bandit would be to use Julie as a decoy. If I was Julie, I would point out how reasonable I was about the Captain’s uncle and demand more money. Instead, Julie allows herself to be kissed and soon, she’s in love with the Kissing Bandit as well.
However, Newton eventually realizes that he’s actually in love with another passenger, Roberta (Laurie Walters), and that he doesn’t have to wear a mask to be romantic. Though this disappoints his biggest fans (played by Nancy Kulp, Pat Carroll, and Sharon Acker), it does make the rest of the crew happy. It seems like the Captain should be worrying more about running the ship than hitting on every woman who comes aboard but I guess big luxury liners pretty much run themselves.
While this was going on, Isaac was reconnecting with his old friends, Lenore (Marilyn McCoo) and Mike (Billy Davis, Jr.). When they were younger, they used to perform on street corners for spare change. Now, Mike is an executive vice president and he’s so work-obsessed and stuffy that his own son (Todd Bridges) thinks that his father doesn’t love him! Fortunately, things work out in the end. Mike realizes that there are things more important than business. Ted Lange gets to show off his dance moves, though it’s hard to forget that Isaac once accused another passenger of being a sell-out for doing the same thing.
Finally, Frank McLean (Robert Reed) is taking a cruise so that he can avoid testifying in a murder trial. He is spotted by Suzanne (Toni Tennille), who knows Frank from the old neighborhood. At first, Frank denies even being from New York but, eventually, he tells Suzanne his story. Suzanne falls for Frank but she has a secret of her own. By Love Boat standards, this story is fairly dramatic but it ultimately fails because there’s not a hint of chemistry between Reed and Tennille. In fact, Robert Reed looks even more miserable after he falls in love than he did before.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Eve Plumb and Leslie Nielsen visit Fantasy Island!
Episode 2.14 “Séance/The Treasure”
(Dir by Larry Stewart, originally aired on January 13th, 1979)
Tattoo is a horse thief! He claims that he just found the horse while wandering around the island but later, he comes across a wanted poster that has his picture on it and the declaration that Tattoo is wanted dead or alive. Mr. Roarke gets a good laugh out of that and even repeats the words, “Dead or alive,” as if he’s realizing that he’s finally found a way to get rid of his assistant. Fortunately, Mr. Roarke has a change of heart and, at the end of the episode, buys the horse for Tattoo. Awwwww!
As for this week’s guests, Joe Capos (George Maharis) is a fisherman who has always wondered what it would be like to be a millionaire. Joe and his wife, Eva (Shelley Fabares), come to the island and find themselves set up in a house that looks exactly like the one where Joe grew up. One day, Joe goes out fishing and what should he find in his net but a gold statue of Triton blowing his horn! It’s a valuable artifact, one that could make Joe a millionaire if it is found to be authentic. Soon, Joe is surrounded by a bunch of people who are hoping to be on his good side when he becomes rich. He’s the most popular man on the island! Unfortunately, Joe is having so much fun being rich and popular that his neglected wife leaves him. Joe knows that the only way to get Eva back is to return the statue to the ocean but will he have the courage to give up wealth and fame for love?
Meanwhile, Eve Plumb plays — wait a minute, Eve Plumb? Just last week, Robert Reed was on the show, playing a method actor who thought he was a vampire. Now, the original Jan Brady has come to the island. I wonder if the entire Brady Bunch will eventually make it to Fantasy Island?
Plumb is playing Clare Conti, a young woman who suspects that her twin brother was murdered. In order to prove it, her fantasy is to have a séance and contact him. Her entire family comes to the Island for the séance, including Uncle Victor (Leslie Nielsen). This episode is Neilsen’s second appearance on the Fantasy Island and, again, he’s playing a very serious and a very somber character but, because he’s so deadpan about it, it’s hard not hear everything that he says as being a joke. It’s always great fun to see Nielsen playing humorless authority figures in the days before he became a comedy superstar. The only thing that would make this episode better would be if Nielsen turned out to be the murderer but sadly, he’s not. As for the rest of the fantasy, the séance scenes manage to strike the right balance between being creepy and being campy. Clare’s dead brother yells a lot but I guess that’s what you do when you’re trying to communicate from the beyond.
This was an enjoyable episode, featuring good performances from the guest stars and fantasies that were intriguing without demanding too much from the audience. This trip to Fantasy Island was more than worth it.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
Season 4 continues! Will Coach K ever figure out how to step into Coach Fuller’s shoes? Will the team ever come together? Will Julie and Mary Beth ever graduate? Let’s find out!
Episode 4.3 “Let Them Play”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 19th, 1998)
Another big game is coming up but the majority of the team doesn’t want to play it! It turns out that one of their rival teammates is HIV+ and, as a result, high schools across Indiana have been refusing to play them. When Coach K puts it to a team vote, only Michael argues that they shouldn’t cancel their upcoming game. Even St. Julie votes to cancel the game.
However, Michael then brings the HIV+ positive player down to The Stadium, the oddly sterile restaurant where everyone hangs out. The team discovers that their rival is just like them and almost all of them change their minds about playing. The only one who doesn’t now want to play is …. JULIE! Julie tells Michael that she doesn’t feel safe playing against a player with HIV, especially since she’ll be the one guarding him in the game. “C’mon, Julie,” Michael says, “we need you in this game!” And Michael’s correct because, if there’s anything we’ve learned from Hang Time, it’s that Julie is the only good basketball player in Indiana. Maybe that’s why she’s been allowed to stay at the high school for an extra year….
Despite the players changing their minds, the school board says that the game still cannot be played. As a way to protest, the teams decide to play an “unofficial” game. When a member of the school board comes by the gym to complain, Julie sees that it’s the same member of the board who always says that a girl shouldn’t be allowed to play basketball! Julie decides that she will play, once again proving that the best way to get Julie to do anything is to make it all about Julie.
This is one of those episodes that probably would have worked much better with the “old” cast. I imagine if this episode had aired during the previous season, Danny would have been the one arguing that the team should play and that would have been totally in character for him. Turning Michael into a social crusader with a conscience goes against everything that we’ve learned about Michael up until this point. As well, we still don’t know any of the new players so it’s a bit hard to know how to react to their feelings about playing against someone who is HIV positive. Are they prejudiced or are they just worried? Are they homophobic or are they just uneducated about how HIV is transmitted? And, finally, it’s hard not to notice that Dick Butkus has a bit less gravitas than Reggie Theus when it comes to discussing whether or not HIV can be transmitted through playing basketball. This episode came across as being well-intentioned but heavy-handed.
The B-plot features Mary Beth encouraging Kristy to write an angry letter to the art teacher who gave her a C on an assignment. As played by Amber Baretto, Kristy put so much joy into writing her letter that it was fun to watch. I laughed
Episode 4.4 “Lend A Helping Hammer”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 19th, 1998)
Nick Hammer gets his first storyline as a member of the Tornadoes! When he falls for Taylor, the new waitress at the Stadium, he’s shocked to discover that she and her family live at a homeless shelter. On Saved By The Bell, when Zack liked a girl who was without a home, he arranged for her and her father to live at his house. (And, much like the tenants of H.H. Holmes, they were never seen, heard from, or mentioned again….) Nick, however, convinces the Coach that, instead of using the money raised at the school dance to buy new uniforms, the money should be donated to Taylor and her family. Of course, Nick also accidentally announces that Taylor is homeless to the entire school.
This was another episode that probably would have worked better with the old cast. It’s easy to imagine it as being another Danny storyline. Nick goes out of his way to help someone in need, which is nice, but we don’t really know Nick so we don’t know if his behavior is unusual or if he just does this for everyone that he meets. It was a well-intentioned episode but it did seem to suggest that the best way to deal with homelessness is to have a bunch of wealthy friends. Everyone goes out of their way to help Taylor but everyone else at the shelter just kind of gets ignored.
In the B-plot, Kristy is using a lot of slang. Julie says that it’s because Kristy recently read a book by Queen Latifah. In the C-plot, the Coach makes the team take a ballet lesson to make them more flexible. “Ballet!” I excitedly exclaimed, when the idea was first brought up. Unfortunately, the ballet scene is really short and the entire team has terrible form.
So far, Hang Time Season 4 has yet to escape the shadow of the past. Hopefully, next week will be better for the Tornadoes and their new coach.
Eh. This has been a strong season, with the exception of all the nonsense about the charter schools. Unfortunately, this week’s episode was all about trying to keep Abbott from turning into a charter school and it was a rare heavy-handed misfire for what it is usually one of the smartest shows on television. Ava still made me laugh, though.
Accused (Tuesday Night, FOX)
This week’s episode of Accused was a misfire. It tried to deal with both gun control and misinformation and, in both cases, it just came across as being histrionic. It was like the Reefer Madness of 21st Century anthology shows.
The Bachelor (Monday and Tuesday, ABC)
The thing with this season is that it’s impossible to get excited about Zach and it’s difficult to take anyone seriously when they say that they were falling in love with Zach. Monday featured the hometown visits and a “shocking” departure. (Don’t worry, Charity avoided marrying Zach and she gets to be the new bachelorette). Tuesday featured the Women Tell All, which started out as interesting with lots of petty drama but then all the action stopped so Greer could go through a televised struggle session about her old social media posts. Jesse Palmer announced that the Bachelor franchise will no longer shy away from addressing the actions of its contestants and I rolled my eyes so dramatically that I’m surprised I’m still able to see straight. It’s one thing to address actions. It’s another thing to spend half an hour patting yourself on the back for doing it, especially when it was obvious that both Jesse and Greer were just reciting what they had been told to say.
The Brady Bunch Hour (YouTube)
I finished the series this week. Yay! Seriously, it was kind of fun to experience something as strange as The Brady Bunch Hour but I think if it had lasted longer than nine episodes, I wouldn’t have made it. That final hour nearly broke me.
Farmer Wants A Wife (Wednesday Night, FOX)
After suffering through The Bachelor, this show provided a nice and simple relief. Life on the farm isn’t easy but at least all the farmers are interesting and everyone gets to wear cute country outfits!
Jail (Tuesday Afternoon, Reelz)
This was a Cops-style show that aired in early 2010s. As the title suggests, a camera crew filmed the events in a county jail. Sometimes, they were in Fort Worth. Sometimes, they were in Las Vegas. Whenever they went to Las Vegas, there was one annoying intake officer who always ended up getting attacked by an inmate. Were the inmates attacking because they were violent criminals or because they were on camera? My personal theory is that the intake officer, with his sandy hair and his glasses and his air of unearned authority, was kind of a jerk who just brought out the worst in people.
Anyway, I watched two episodes on Tuesday. A lot of drunks were brought in for the night. Most of the guards were not particularly bright, which made it a bit awkward whenever they tried to get philosophical about why people commit crimes. “I guess until they get tired of us arresting them, we’re going to keep getting called out there.” Okay, whatever you say, dude.
Night Court (Tuesday Night, NBC)
You know, I still like Melissa Rauch but I have to say that, as of this latest episode, I think Abbi is now officially the most annoying character on television. Her fiancé, Rand, came to New York to help her train for a marathon. Rand himself was a pretty annoying character but Abi was a hundred times worse for putting up with him and forcing him on her co-workers.
Night Flight (Night Flight Plus)
On Friday, I watched an episode about the 1984 Oscars. A lot of good songs were nominated that year.
This was a public access show from the 80s. Night Flight Plus has episodes of it and several other old public access shows. I watched one episode on Saturday morning. Gibby Haynes stopped by the set and talked about how he used to be an accountant.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing California Dreams, which ran on NBC from 1992 to 1996. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, California Dreams is Saved By The Bell!
Episode 4.9 “Operation Tony”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 18th, 1995)
Tony needs to have shoulder surgery and he’s so worried about dying that he not only practices laying very still but he also requires Sam to practice mourning. The night before the operation, he has a dream where he sees his own funeral and, upon waking up, he tries to sneak out of the hospital and …. wait a minute. This seems familiar. The exact same thing happened to Zack Morris on Saved By The Bell!
Yes, this episode is pretty much a remake of Operation Zach. The California Dreams version works a bit better than the SBTB version because Tony is a more sympathetic figure than Zach Morris and, unlike Zach, Tony didn’t have the power to stop time whenever he felt like it so Tony has no way to magically put off the operation. Plus, this episode has a B-plot where Lorena volunteers as a candy striper in an attempt to catch the attention of a handsome doctor. Unfortunately, the doctor explains that he doesn’t date people with whom he works. (I would hope that he also doesn’t date teenagers.) It was a predictable storyline but I still always like episodes that focus, even if just partially, on Lorena because Lorena is who I was always relate to whenever I watch this show.
Anyway, this was a good episode, even it was a familiar one. Let’s move on.
Episode 4.10 “Community Service”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 25th, 1995)
In this episode, the members of the California Dreams do community service!
Now, I know that I always complain whenever this happens on City Guys but that’s because City Guys usually features Ms. Noble ordering her students to do stuff during their free time. On California Dreams, everyone actually volunteered of their own free will. It is true that Tiffani guilted them into volunteering but still, there’s a big difference between Tiffani looking sad and Ms. Noble telling all of her students what they’re going to give up their weekend just because she says so.
Sam volunteers for the blood drive. Jake volunteers for Meals on Wheels and eats all the food himself. (In 1995, this was played for laughs. You can only imagine how it would be portrayed today.) Mark helps to clean the beach and ends up smelling like a toxic waste dump. Lorena gives some things to the Goodwill. And Tiffani and Sly end up working at the Teen Help Line. Tiffani tries to sincerely help people while Sly orders pizza and hits on all the female counselors.
Uh-oh! The school is cutting its budget and the Teen Line is going to be closed down! Sly comes up with an idea! Maybe the Dreams can play a benefit concert. I mean, it worked on Saved By The Bell …. TWICE! Sly organizes the concert and basks in everyone’s attention, even though Tiffani is upset that Sly is doing the right thing for the wrong reason. (Calm down, Tiffani.) Fortunately, during the concert, a teen calls in and says he wants to run away from home. Because Sly is the only person in the office, he’s forced to help the caller and he discovers that joy of doing the right thing for the right reasons! Yay! Of course, I imagine this lesson will be forgotten by the next episode. We’ll find out next week!
As a general rule, the best episodes of California Dreams are the ones in which Sly is let loose to be his sleazy but ultimately good-hearted self. Though the story was familiar, Michael Cade did a good job playing the two sides of Sly. Plus, the Dreams performed that “To the End” song, which has a really rocking guitar solo.
Next week, Tiffani tries to heal the bay! Hopefully, she’ll have better luck at it than Mark did during this episode.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing The Brady Bunch Hour, which ran on ABC from 1976 to 1977. All nine episodes can be found on YouTube!
This week, The Brady Bunch Hour comes to a close and with it, I gain my freedom from having to watch any more pitch perfect but incredibly boring performances from Florence Henderson.
Episode 1.9
(Directed by Jack Regas, originally aired on May 25th, 1977)
Two things happened on May 25th, 1977.
First of all, a film called Star Wars opened in theaters across the country.
Secondly, on ABC, The Brady Bunch Hour aired for the final time.
The final episode begins in the same way as all of the previous episodes. The Kroftettes do a kickline before driving into the pool and the audience applauds while the announcer reads off the names of the Bradys and announces that tonight’s special guest stars include Paul Williams, Rip Taylor, Lynn Anderson (who was a country-western singer), and Ann B. Davis.
Dressed in blue, The Bradys come out and perform a song called I’ve Got Love, which was written for a Broadway musical called Purlie. Purlie was a show about a black preacher living in the South during the Jim Crow era so you have to wonder how exactly the song relates to anything having to do with The Brady Bunch. As led by Florence Henderson, the Bunch turns the song into an “up with people”-style anthem. The Kroftettes meanwhile swim around with a punch of plastic hearts.
The song ends and, as the rest of their family struggles to catch their breath, Carol welcomes everyone to the show.
“I love love!” Carol announces.
The banter starts and the joke this time is that Carol enjoyed the song so much that she just won’t stop singing even while the rest of the family is trying to talk. This gets annoying pretty quickly because we’ve all had a relative like Carol, that person who can carry a tune and who goes out of their way to make sure that no one ever forgets it. Reportedly, one of the main reasons that Florence Henderson agreed to do The Brady Bunch Hour was because she wanted to transform herself into a Barbra Streisand-style singer and the producers agreed to allow her to do a solo in every episode. Henderson did not have a bad voice but she still had a tendency to oversell every song that she sang, performing in an over-rehearsed manner that revealed little real personality. During the last few episodes, a desperation creeped into Henderson’s performances, as if she felt that she alone could save the show by singing the Heck out of every song that she got.
After a minimum amount of banter (in which not a word is said about this being the final episode of the series), we cut to Carol and the kids performing a song called We’ve Got Us in front of a cardboard city skyline. For some reason, everyone’s dressed for golf.
At one point, the Brady daughters carry Carol across the stage while Carol sings. The audience applauds but Cindy looks like she’s struggling not to lose her grip on Carol’s ankles.
Peter and Bobby then carry Greg out on their shoulders while Greg sings. At one point, they nearly drop Greg and Greg’s reaction (his singing voice goes up several octaves) would seem to indicate that this was not at all planned.
After the rest of the Bunch marches off stage, Peter sneaks back and discovers that Mr. Merrill (played, of course, by Rip Taylor) is sleeping on a park bench. Mr. Merrill gets upset when Peter tries to move a trashcan because that is apparently where Mr. Merill keeps all of his stuff. Peter finds a slinky in the trashcan and Mr. Merrill announces, “Haven’t you ever seen Palm Springs?” Peter also finds a bottle of liquor in the the trashcan. Mr. Merrill explains that it’s “Beethoven’s fifth.” Peter and Jackie proceed to perform Me and My Shadow and it’s just as painful as it sounds.
The show goes to commercial. When it comes back, Fake Jan announces that the next guest is “my favorite female recording star, Lynn Anderson.” Fake Jan spends so much time praising Lynn that Greg comes out and tells Fake Jan that giving Lynn too much of a big build-up will make Lynn nervous. “Ladies and gentleman,” Fake Jan says, “a singer who’s not too bad, Lynn Anderson!” (To give credit where credit is due, I laughed.) Lynn Anderson comes out and sings a song called Right Time Of The Night and Fake Jan was right. She’s not too bad.
As Lynn finishes up the song, Fake Jan announces that Lynn is the best. “You just can’t say stuff like that on TV,” Greg says, sounding a bit like a jerk, if we’re going to be honest. Fake Jan demands that Greg tell her one person who sings as well as Lynn Anderson, who looks as good as Lynn Anderson, who has more hit records than Lynn Anderson, and who has beautiful blonde hair like Lynn Anderson.
“Paul Williams,” Greg says. “Great musician, but he’s a troublemaker …. remember when he came by the house?”
“Oh yeah,” Fake Jan says, “that was trouble.”
It’s flashback time!
We cut to the Brady Compound, where Alice is attempting to break up with Rip Taylor’s Jackie Merrill. Carol interrupts their fight to tell Alice to go clean another part of the house. Alice agrees to go on a date with Jackie, mostly to get him to go away. After Merrill leaves, Carol announces that Paul Williams is coming over. Marcia enters the living room, dressed in overalls because Paul Williams is into simple things, “like how people feel inside.”
Carol says…. I am not making this up …. Carol says, “Oh. Well, maybe you should swallow him, then.”
*snicker*
Greg enters the living room and starts leaving copies of his songs all over the living room. Marcia makes fun of his lyrics. Greg tells her, “Watch your mouth.”
*snicker*
Anyway, Marcia runs off crying. Mike enters the living room, looking confused. Carol explains that Paul Williams is only coming over to discuss what he’s going to do on the show. He doesn’t want to see Greg’s music or hang out with Marcia. A disgruntled Greg collects all of his lyrics. Finally, after Greg leaves the living room, Paul Williams rings the doorbell.
Paul tells Mike that he’s a “big fan of yours.” The audience laughs because Paul Williams is short. However, it turns out that Paul Williams is an even bigger fan of Carol’s. As Paul flirts shamelessly with Carol, Mike leaves to get the kids. Mike and the kids re-enter the living room just in time to hear Paul announce that he’s in love with Carol. The show cuts to commercial.
When the show returns, Mike is standing on stage, by himself. He’s wearing another one of his turtlenecks. “Welcome back to the second half of my family’s favorite show,” Mike tells us. Mike makes fun of Paul for being short and then shows us what happened at the Brady compound.
What happened?, you may ask. Well, Mike tells Paul that he doesn’t appreciate Paul loving his wife. Bobby asks if Mike is going to punch out Paul but Carol says that Mike doesn’t punch people out. “Good,” Paul says, “anyone over 5’5 punching me is assault with a deadly weapon.” (Because Paul Williams is short, get it?) Cindy asks Paul why he’s in love with Carol, as if even she can’t believe it. Paul says that Carol is “one foxy lady.” Mike promptly sends the children out of the living room and then starts yelling at Paul (or, at the very least, his voice goes up an octave or two as he expresses his annoyance).
Paul apologizes and then says that he has a compulsive personality “because I’m short,” and that occasionally, he does something compulsive like declare his love for Carol Brady. Paul then suggest that he and Carol could get married on the show. After Carol turns him down, Paul explains that he only came on the show so he could meet Carol. He then Carol a broach that once belonged to his grandmother. “She was a very foxy lady too,” Paul says, “Short but foxy.” Paul leaves.
“What a sweet man,” Carol says, looking at the brooch.
“He’s a loon!” Mike declares.
Before Mike can say anything else insensitive about the man who just opened up his mental health on national television, Fake Jan comes running in with Lynn Anderson. Lynn mentions that Paul Williams is in love with her and then holds up a brooch that Paul gave her. “It was his grandmother’s!”
We cut to the pool, where Peter has decided to outsmart Greg by getting in the pool himself. Greg swears that he wasn’t planning on pushing Peter in the pool this week. Peter climbs out of the pool and announces that Paul Williams is the next musical guest. “He’s so short,” Peter says, “he needs a ladder to get into a good mood.” Paul comes out and shoves both Greg and Peter in the pool.
Paul then sings The Hell Of It, a song that he wrote for Brian DePalma’s Phantom of Paradise. While he sings, thunder rumbles on the soundtrack, the Kroftettes perform in the pool, and the lights in the studio flash on and off. It’s actually surprisingly good for The Brady Bunch Hour but you have to wonder how the show’s target audience felt about a song that was sung from the point of view of someone who had just sold his soul to the Devil.
We then cut to a country road, where Carol sings a country song called Born To Say Goodbye. She’s no Lynn Anderson, that’s for sure. Still, listening to the lyrics, you have to wonder if she sang this knowing that the show was about to end. Despite the fact that no one on the show has mentioned anything about this being the final episode, one would have to think that the Bunch had some sort of knowledge that things weren’t looking good for the show’s future.
We then cut to a comedy skit, in which Paul Williams tells us that the member of the Brady Bunch will be recreating the voyage of Columbus. At one point, Williams flubs his lines but keeps going. According to Wikipedia, several members of the cast and crew have said that Paul Williams was drunk while filming The Brady Bunch Hour and that is definitely the vibe that comes through. Anyway, the skit is actually about what was going on with Columbus’s family while Christopher was out exploring and it’s called The Columbus Bunch. The members of the Bunch all speak with exagerrated Italian accents. It’s annoying as Heckfire. The skit goes on forever and as I watched it, I actually found myself thinking of the terrible fantasy sequences that used to appear on Saved By The Bell. It’s painful and the fact that everyone involved seems to be trying so hard makes it even more painful.
It’s time for the final finale of The Brady Bunch Hour! This week, there’s no banter before the finale. Instead, the Bunch appears on stage, wearing white suits. Mike says “The finale this week is….” and I honestly can’t understand what it is that he says next. It sounds like he says, “The finale this week is done,” but that wouldn’t make any sense. All I know is that the members of the Bunch desperately run off stage, as they do at the start of every finale. Again, I’m not sure why anyone thought it was a good idea to show the Bunch as being totally scatter-brained and incapable of the least bit of professionalism but whatever. The show’s almost over.
As for the finale, it’s all about music.
The Krofetettes dance while Bobby, looking like Satan’s stepchild, plays a ragtime tune on the piano.
Mike and Carol sing a few bars from the hottest song of 1950, Music! Music! Music!
Marcia sings Look What They’ve Done To My Song, Ma, which was a song by Melanie, the folk singer who appeared on an earlier episode.
Carol, who is literally sitting in front of a poster that reads Easy Listening, performs 1962’s The Sweetest Sounds, a song that was previously covered by Barbra Streisand.
Greg sings a song called Music Is My Life. Greg’s voice isn’t terrible but it’s awfully generic. He might need to get a different life, especially considering that this is the final episode.
Geri Reischl, who is so talented that she deserves to be referred to by her real name (and not Fake Jan) for this performance, comes out and sings Hey Mister Melody and once again shows that she was way too musically talented for this show. She and Florence Henderson had the best voices of the cast but, unlike the overly rehearsed Henderson, Geri actually brought some spontaneity to her performances.
Rip Taylor and a miserable-looking Ann B. Davis perform The Music Goes Round and Round.
Paul Williams and Lynn Anderson perform an Old Fashioned Love Song. One can almost sense Florence Henderson fuming off-stage over Lynn getting to be the one who performed with Paul Williams.
The Brady kids come out and sing Piano Man with the all the good-natured cheer of a church youth group.
The finale ends with the entire cast doing an unenthusiastic version of I Believe In Music. Paul Williams dances with Florence Henderson while a manic Rip Taylor throws confetti all over the stage.
After a commercial break, the Bunch comes out to say goodnight.
“Remember last week when I said, ‘I guess this bring us to the end of tonight’s show?” Carol says.
Yes, we do. Carol, is there something you need to share with the audience about the show’s future?
“Well, I’m saying it again this week,” Carol says, “I guess this brings us to the end of tonight’s show.”
Mike tell Carol that she should come up with something new to close the show and Carol does a stuttering impersonation of Porky the Pig and that’s when I nearly threw a shoe at the screen. Fortunately, I was distracted by Cindy saying, “And don’t worry about Paul Williams, he’s not really crazy.” Everyone says goodnight and the show ends….
….and never returns!
So, The Brady Bunch Hour has come to an end and what have we learned from these reviews? Cocaine was very popular in the 70s.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing City Guys, which ran on NBC from 1997 to 2001. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, Ms. Noble gets married and her students get involved for some reason.
Episode 4.6 “Students of the Bride”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 7th, 2000)
Ms. Noble’s wedding day is coming up and, because Ms. Noble is the most unprofessional educator in New York, she allows her students to find out that she doesn’t have a dress, a venue, a cake, a florist, or a wedding band. Jamal, Cassidy, Dawn, L-Train, Al, and Chris step up to help Ms. Noble plan her wedding.
……
Are you freaking kidding me?
Look, I love weddings as much as anyone. I love planning them and I love telling people what they have to wear and I love coming up with the song list for the reception. But seriously — MS. NOBLE IS THE PRINCIPAL! Add to that, she’s an adult and so is the man she’s supposed to marry. Why are they incapable of planning their own wedding? Why are a bunch of high school students throwing a bachelor party for Billy? Doesn’t Billy have any friends his own age? Speaking of which, does not Ms. Noble have anyone her own age to help her plan her wedding? Do neither of these two have any family in New York? How does this make any freaking sense!?
Anyway, it turns out that having a bunch of high school kids plan your bachelor party is a mistake because Ms. Noble gets upset when she sees Billy dancing with the hula girls that L-Train brought to the school. (Of course, they have the bachelor party on the roof of Manny High.) Ms. Noble and Billy fight and say that maybe they shouldn’t get married. The kids make it their mission to make sure that Ms. Noble gets married to Billy. “Ms. Noble’s getting married if I have to marry her myself!” Jamal says. SHE’S YOUR PRINCIPAL, YOU WEIRDO!
Oh! And Jamal and Cassidy briefly fall in love but then they realize that it’s just because they’ve been working on the wedding and they’re both in a romantic mood. Remember when Cassidy was dating Chris? Whatever happened with that?
God, this is a stupid episode. Ms. Noble does get married at the end of the episode so yay. Let’s move on.
Episode 4.7 “Mo’ Money Mo’ Problems”
(Dir by Frank Bonner, originally aired on October 14th, 2000)
L-Train invents a glow-in-the-dark basketball. Al, Chris, and Jamal form a company to sell the ball. Al lets the power go to his head and he learns an important lesson about how to treat his employees. Good for him. I think the more important question raised by this episode is why they allowed this to happen with Chris’s hair.
I mean, Scott Whyte was not a bad-looking guy but he spent the majority of City Guys with the least flattering haircut imaginable.
While Al is learning an important lesson about business, Dawn is getting cast in a commercial and Cassidy’s getting jealous. Cassidy gives Dawn a lot of bad advice, which Dawn believes because Dawn could be an incredibly stupid character. After Cassidy comes clean, Dawn steps aside so that Cassidy can fulfill her dream of acting in a commercial. Of course, this all leads to Cassidy getting hit in the face with a pie. Ugh. I hate pie gags. They always look so messy.
This was a fairly middling episode but Steven Daniel did get a chance to show off his physical comedy skills when L-Train was left alone in the basketball factory. That was definitely a plus. As well, no one was roped into helping Ms. Noble plan her honeymoon so that was another plus.
Next week, the neat guys continue to be smart and streetwise!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Things get a bit icky this week. Ugh!
Episode 2.5 “Julie’s Aunt/Where Is It Written?/The Big Deal”
(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on October 14th, 1978)
How icky can one cruise get?
Well, consider this. On this week’s episode of The Love Boat, Captain Stubing’s uncle (Red Buttons) is a passenger on the boat. Uncle Cyrus decides that he likes Julie. How does he express how much he likes Julie? He invites her to his cabin and then lunges at her and starts kissing her. Julie runs out of the cabin and Uncle Cyrus chases her through the corridors of the boat. Once Julie does get away from him, she tells Doc and Gopher about what happened. Doc and Gopher both think that it’s funny.
(Uhmm, guys, this isn’t some old guy with a crush. This is someone who invited the cruise director to his cabin …. AND ATTACKED HER!)
Everyone agrees that Julie should just try to avoid Cyrus and that she should not tell the Captain about what happened. Unfortunately, because Uncle Cyrus told the Captain about how much he enjoys Julie’s company, Stubing insists that Julie spend as much time as possible with Uncle Cyrus. Every time that Julie goes down to his cabin, Cyrus grabs her and starts kissing her. Scene after scene, Julie has to push Cyrus off of her so that she can escape, screaming, into the hallway.
Finally, realizing that she can’t go on like this, Julie realizes that she has to do something, even if both Doc Bricker and Gopher refuse to take the situation seriously. Out of the three choice below, which do you think she goes with?
Call the police
Tell Captain Stubing and demand that he call the police
Have Gopher dress up like a woman and pretend to be a member of the police
If you picked number three, you could have been a writer for The Love Boat!
Ugh! I hated everything about this storyline!
I wasn’t a fan of the other two storylines as well. The first featured Hope Lange as Sandra Newberry, the wife of publisher Alfred Newberry (Gene Barry). She is upset to discover that Alfred has invited a Norman Maileresque writer named Mark Littlejohn (Richard Mulligan) to accompany them on the cruise. Alfred wants Mark to hurry up and finish the final chapter of his autobiography. Make wants to steal Sandra away. In the end, Alfred and Mark get into a fight. They’re too clumsy to actually hit each other but they do manage to knock out Captain Stubing. Again, you would think that this would be the sort of thing that would eventually involve the police but instead Stubing just accepts a payment that will come from the royalties of Mark’s book. Whatever. Go deal with your uncle, Captain.
Finally, Martin Scott (Allen Ludden) is a businessman who is selling his business to Brad Collins (Sam Groom). Martin’s daughter, Allison (Mackenzie Phillips), feels like she has to date Brad even though she’s actually in love with a musician named Jim Warren (Erik Estrada). It was hard not to feel that, intentionally or not, Martin was basically pimping out his daughter. Again, it was just icky.
This was not a fun cruise. Hopefully, next week will be better.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Robert Reed turns into a vampire!
Episode 2.13 “The Lady and the Longhorn/Vampire”
(Dir by Arnold Laven, originally aired on December 16th, 1978)
Tattoo is excited because Vera Templeton (Eva Gabor) is coming to the island. Vera is the glamorous owner of a cosmetics company and she is looking for a location to shoot a commercial for her makeup. Tattoo hopes that she’ll hire him to direct so he puts on a red beret to make him look more like a director. Mr. Roarke rolls his eyes, letting us know that he has no time for Tattoo’s foolishness. NOT THIS WEEK!
Actually, this turns out to be a very foolish week indeed. Vera Templeton is not just coming to the Island to shoot a commercial. She is on the verge of going bankrupt and needs to marry a rich man. She meets Hollis Buford, Jr. (Jack Elam), who wears a cowboy hat and picks his teeth and talks about the rodeo a lot but who is apparently a millionaire. He’s also supposed to be from Dallas. (I’m from Dallas and I can assure you that the cattle barons live in Fort Worth.) Vera flirts with Hollis by speaking in a painfully bad Southern accent. Vera and Hollis get engaged. Hollis seems to love Vera but Vera just wants his money and we are supposed to find this funny.
Vera’s bratty and annoying daughter (Tammy Lauren) doesn’t like Hollis, even though he seems like a perfectly well-meaning guy. So, she sells her stocks to Vera’s butler (Lloyd Bochner) and Vera marries her butler after telling Hollis that their marriage just won’t work out. “Dagnabbit,” Hollis says, “Now, I have to find another date to the rodeo.”
What an annoying fantasy. Not only did the humor fall flat but it was a bit mean-spirited as well.
Meanwhile, Leo Drake (Robert Reed) and his wife, Carmen (Julie Sommars) have come to the Island. Roarke explains that Leo is a method actor.
“That means he like to become the role that he plays,” Tattoo says, “Like Sylvester Stallone in Rocky.”
(And that is probably the only time in history that Robert Reed has even been compared to Sylvester Stallone.)
Leo has been cast in a remake of Dracula so he wants to live in an actual castle overlooking a village in Transylvania. Roarke obliges and soon, Leo is wandering the streets in the middle of the night and he’s developing fangs. Has he become a vampire or is the method getting the better of him? The villagers want to set him on fire but Roarke suggests that they just wait for the sun to rise. When the sun doesn’t destroy Leo, everyone realizes that he’s not a vampire and …. well, that’s that!
Yes, it’s painfully dumb but at least the episode features mild-mannered Robert Reed, with his gray perm and his aging porn star mustache, putting on a cape and wandering around a village at midnight. Reed is totally miscast but that gives this episode what little charm it has.
My fantasy is that next week’s episode will be better!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Hang Time, which ran on NBC from 1995 to 2000. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
It’s time to start season 4!
Episode 4.1 “A Whole New Ballgame”
(Dir by Miguel Higuera and Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 12th, 1998)
It’s a brand new school year! Teddy, Vince, and Danny have all graduated, with Teddy and Vince going to Southern Florida University and Danny going to NYU to pursue his stand-up career. Despite the fact that Julie and Mary Beth were in the same grade as Danny with the show began, they’re both still students at Deering High, along with Michael Manning and Kristy.
And, of course, Coach Fuller is gone. He’s now coaching at Southern Florida University. For the first three seasons of the show, Coach Fuller was played by Reggie Theus. Reggie Theus was a stiff actor but he was a former basketball player and he was believable whenever Fuller discussed the mechanics of the game with his players. As stiff as Theus was, it was still easy to believe him as an inspiring basketball coach. Replacing Coach Fuller is Mike Katowinski. Mike is played by Dick Butkus, a former football player who looks and sounds like a former football player. From the minute he appears, it’s hard to buy him as a basketball coach, despite the fact that Julie mentions that Coach Katowinski coached the Houston Rockets for 20 years. As I watched Coach K, I found myself wondering why Deering didn’t give the job to that assistant coach who appeared in two episodes during the third season.
(Add to that, what type of loser goes from coaching an NBA team to coaching a high school basketball team?)
Along with a new coach, this episode introduces some new players, all of whom are suspiciously familiar substitutes for the actors who have left the show. Nick Hammer (Mark Famiglietti) is cocky and confident and, despite the fact that she’s still dating Michael, it’s pretty obvious that he’s being set up as Julie’s next love interest. Rico Bosco (James Villani) is short and dumb, like Vince. Silk Hayes (Danso Gordon) is a thinner version of Teddy. Silk tells us that he’s called Silk because he’s “smooth on the court and off …. with the ladies!”
Things get off to a bad start between the new Coach and Julie when Julie starts to suspect that the Coach is going easy on her because she’s a girl. The main reason she thinks this is because the Coach tells her that he’s going easy on her because she’s a girl. Julie attempts to prove that she’s just as good as the boys by practicing super-aggressively and knocking everyone down. “Don’t worry,” the Coach tells Hammer, “it’s probably just a female thing.” Julie storms out of the gym, as she had every right to do. (Wow, is this the first time that I’ve liked Julie since this series began? I think it may be.) Later, Julie attempts to talk to the Coach about his attitude and he responds by sending her to the school nurse. Julie resents the Coach assuming that all of her behavior is period-related but she does appreciate the nurse sending her home early. As someone who used to fake cramps to get out of gym class on a daily basis, I related.
Julie then shows up at practice dressed in an apron and carrying a plate of cookies. In her words, she’s behaving acting the way coach expects her to act. This leads to Julie getting put on the B-team and not being listed as a starter. Coach explains that it’s not because Julie is a girl. It’s because “you’re a weird girl.” Fortunately, Julie does well-enough in practice that she’s promoted to starter. The audiences goes crazy.
While all of this is going on, Mary Beth tries to come to terms with no longer having a boyfriend. Come on, Mary Beth — it was just Vince!
With this episode, the fourth season got off to a rocky start, with a miscast Coach and a set of new players that just don’t seem to have as much personality as the players they replaced. Would things improve in the second episode of the season?
Let’s find out.
Episode 4.2 “Team Players”
(Dir by Patrick Maloney, originally aired on September 12th, 1998)
Uh-oh, the team’s just not coming together! Mostly it’s Michael and Julie’s fault, because they think that they’re too good for the new players. After Hammer overhears Michael telling Julie that the new team sucks, he tells all of the other players. During the first game of the season, the Tornadoes struggle during the first half but, after realizing they have to work together, they stage a comeback and win in the second half. Wow! JUST LIKE EVERY OTHER GAME THEY’VE EVER PLAYED! After the game, Julie says that this new team might even be better than last year’s team. Uhmm …. no. Sorry, Julie, no. Last year’s time had Danny. None of these new guys can compare to Danny.
In the B-plot, Mary Beth tries too hard to get the Coach to like her. Through a series of unlikely events, she knocks a hole in the wall of his office and she and Kristy has to fix it during the game. Megan Parlen and Amber Baretto are a good comedy team and it’s always a lot of fun when Mary Beth is flustered at the thought of having to do actual work. Unfortunately, the situation is not quite as funny without Reggie Theus’s looking stunned at whatever it is that Mary Beth has done. As played by Dick Butkus, Coach K. is just a bit too angry and gruff to be a good comedic foil. Whenever he gets annoyed with something, he looks like he’s about to tackle someone and break their ribs.
Season 4 is off to a rough start! Hopefully, things will get better next week.
Through the Shattered Lens 