What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #220: Deadly Yoga Retreat (dir by Brian Herzlinger)


Last night, I watched the Lifetime film, Deadly Yoga Retreat!

Why Was I Watching It?

I watched this film for a number of reasons.  First off, yoga has been on my mind lately because, over the past two weeks, I have managed to strain my back not once but twice!  My mom also had trouble with her back and she was a big believer in yoga as something more than just an excuse to wear a cute outfit.  Myself, I have to admit that the outfit has always been the main appeal to me.

Secondly, the film was on Lifetime and it’s been a while since I’ve gotten to sit down and watch a good Lifetime film.

Third, I wanted an excuse to do one of my What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night reviews.  I have fun writing them.

What Was It About?

Remy Morrow (Jonathan Bennett) runs the most exclusive and demanding yoga retreat out there.  He expects you to show up on time.  He expects you to take yoga seriously.  He expects you to take him seriously.  If you don’t take him seriously, he’ll kick you out of the group.  And, if that’s not enough to get rid of you, he’ll just kill you.  Killing people over yoga?  That may sound extreme but Remy’s an extreme guy.

Isabella (Danielle C. Ryan) may just be planning on using the yoga retreat as a way to get away from her struggling marriage but she’s about to discover that Remy has his own plans for her and the other students.

What Worked?

Like many recent Lifetime film, Deadly Yoga Retreat takes a deliberately campy approach to its story.  It’s not meant to be taken seriously and Jonathan Bennett brings exactly the right sensibility to his performance as Remy, playing him as being the unhinged yoga instructor from Hell.  There’s not a single subtle moment to be found in Bennett’s performance but this isn’t a film that calls for subtlety.  This is a film that calls for someone willing to totally embrace the melodrama and go over the the top and, as anyone who saw him on Celebrity Big Brother can tell you, Bennett is certainly willing to do that.  Bennett’s approach was nicely balanced by Danielle C. Ryan, who was likable as Isabella.

When you sit down to watch a film called Deadly Yoga Retreat, you know what you’re getting into.  If there’s anything that I don’t have much use for, it’s people who act all offended or shocked that a movie like this would turn out to be deliberately campy and kitschy.  This is a Lifetime film and it’s about a psychotic yoga instructor.  You knew what you were getting into when you saw the title.  The title promises attractive people in cute outfits doing dangerous and sexy things in a lovely, beach-filled location.  Here’s the important thing: Deadly Yoga Retreat delivers exactly what it promised.

What Did Not Work?

As far as I’m concerned it all worked.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

My best friend Evelyn and I occasionally went to a yoga class when we were in college.  The instructor was intense, though not murderous.  He always used to say stuff like, “Yoga is for lovers” and “This weekend should be all about you, yoga and a lover.”  Actually, he was pretty  creepy.  Anyway, he always used to get annoyed because we would giggle through his class but I don’t think he ever killed anyone.

Lessons Learned

Don’t say “Namaste” unless you mean it.

Lifetime Film Review: The Wrong Blind Date (dir by David DeCoteau)


“Looks like he was the wrong blind date!”

You tell them, Vivica A. Fox!

The Wrong Blind Date is the latest of the Lifetime “Wrong” films.  Like all of the “Wrong” films, it was directed by David DeCoteau and it features Vivica A. Fox delivering the film’s title.  It may seem somewhat silly to those who don’t regularly watch these films but, if you’re a fan of the “Wrong” series, you will literally sit through just about anything just for the chance to hear Vivica A. Fox say the movie’s name.  The film’s realize this too.  Lifetime films, at their best, are very self-aware.  None are as self-aware as the “Wrong” films.

In this one, Fox has a supporting role.  She plays Beth, who works as a therapist.  One of her patients is Laura (Meredith Thomas).  Laura has got a lot to deal with.  Her daughter, Hannah (Sofia Masson), has just started going to college and is dating Noah (Rainer Dawn).  Laura and her friend, Angela (Lesli Kay), are trying to launch their own design firm.  Laura is also in the process of getting a divorce from her husband, an abusive ex-cop named Michael (Clark Moore).  Michael is controlling and temperamental and he’s also determined to convince Laura not to go through with the divorce.

When Laura puts her profile on a dating website, she’s shocked by the number of replies that she gets.  One of those replies is from Kevin (Matthew Pohlkamp).  Kevin is handsome and charming and he lives in Beverly Hills.  He lists his job as investment banking.  Kevin has money and he’s so interested in Laura that he even finds a way to contact her after she deletes her dating profile!  At first, Laura thinks that Kevin’s behavior is a little stalkerish but then she agrees to go on one date with him.  And that one date leads to another and then another and then….

But wait a minute!  This is a Lifetime film!  Even more importantly, this is a “Wrong” film.  Those of us who have spent years viewing these movies know better than to trust any perfect man who claims to be wealthy.  Laura may not realize that there’s obviously something sinister about Kevin but we do!  Unfortunately, Laura is so used to her husband acting like a jerk that she’s overly impressed when Kevin does things like refuse to pick a fight with an obnoxious drunk.  It’s only after Laura leaves that Kevin returns to the bar and beats the man up.

Yes, Kevin has some problems.  He’s the wrong blind date.  And it soon becomes apparent that he’s lying about who he is, where he lives, and what he even does for a living.  It’s not a spoiler to tell you that Michael has hired Kevin to fool his wife, all as a part of a rather silly plan to convince Laura to take him back.  But when Kevin starts to become obsessed with Laura, not even Michael can stand in his way.

These films are predictable but fun.  We all know better than to trust Kevin but that doesn’t make it any less enjoyable to watch as Hannah vainly tries to convince her mother that she needs to do a little more research into her new boyfriend’s background.  And, of course, there’s the murders.  There’s always a murder or two in a Lifetime film.  Mereidth Thomas and Sofia Masson are convincing as mother and daughter and Matthew Pohlkamp is credible whether being charming or unhinged.  And, of course, Vivica A. Fox says the name of the movie.  It’s Lifetime, what’s not to enjoy?

Lifetime Film Review: Sisters For Life (dir by Anna Elizabeth James)


It’s pledge week!

Bailee (Briana Fermia) really wants to join the college’s nicest sorority and she feels that she established a real connection with Jana (Maddison Bullock) when she interviewed to be selected for one of the opening spots.  Unfortunately, connection or not, there’s no room for Baileee because a legacy named Cori (Taylor Fono) has also applied.  Cori’s mom was in the sorority.  Cori’s sister was in the sorority.  Therefore, Cori gets to be in the sorority!  Yay!  College traditions are the best!

Bailee confronts Jana about how unfair it is that she wasn’t invited to join the sorority.  Jana feels guilty but what can she do?  There’s just no space.  But then, one night, Cori is attacked on campus.  Due to her injuries, Cori has to withdraw from the college and therefore the sorority.  Who can take Cori’s place?  Jana has a suggestion!

Bailee is now in the sorority and it soon turns out that she’s totally clingy and kind of psychotic.  She takes the whole idea of “sisters for life” very seriously and Bailee fully expects that Jana will be her sister for life.  Jana, meanwhile, is like, “This is my senior year, I want to hang out with my boyfriend, and I want to finish up my science project so I can have a career once I graduate.”  Soon, the other sorority sisters are getting drugged, framed, and attacked.  Even Jana’s boyfriend gets attacked in the shower!  Could it all somehow be connected to Bailee?

Of course it’s all connected to Bailee!  The film wastes no time in making it clear that Bailee is not to be trusted.  That’s the way Lifetime films work.  Anyone who shows up out of nowhere and suddenly starts demanding that you be her sister for life is going to turn out to be totally unhinged.  They always start out as slightly needy but seemingly sweet but, by the time the second commercial break rolls around, they’ve already put at least one person in the hospital or maybe even worse.  Some people will go to outrageous lengths to have a friend.

Anyway, Sisters for Life was a fun, if slightly predictable, Lifetime film.  As I’ve said in the past, though, the predictability is kind of the point.  Familiarity is one reason why Lifetime movies are so much fun to watch.  We’re always a few steps ahead of everyone else in the movie.  Towards the end of the film, one character announces, “You’re the meanest sister that I’ve ever had!” with a totally straight face and if you can’t appreciate the self-awareness behind a line like that than Lifetime films just aren’t for you.

Lifetime Film Review: Abduction Runs In The Family (dir by Jeff Hare)


If abduction runs in you family, it might be time to get a new family.

Or it might just be time to make sure that you’re really, really good at it because, if abduction is the family business, you don’t want to be embarrassed at the next family reunion.

Abduction Runs In The Family in not only an ominous way to describe your relations but it’s also the title of a Lifetime movie.  It stars Jessica Morris as Alyssa.  When she was a child, Alyssa was abducted by a man named Miles (James Hyde).  Miles did not abuse or deliberately harm Alyssa.  Instead, he wanted a replacement for his daughter, Sophie and, when he abducted her, he treated her as if she was his own daughter.  Alyssa was eventually rescued and Miles was sent to prison.  Now, years later, Alyssa has become famous as a result of talking and writing about how she was not only kidnapped but how she also eventually forgave Miles for what he did.  As the movie begins, Miles is about to get out of prison and Alyssa has a book coming out about her experience.  Finally, life is providing a chance for both of them to get on with their lives.  Miles, of course, has been given a restraining order as a condition of his parole.  He’s not to go anywhere near Alyssa or her daughter, Emma.

But then …. Emma disappears!

Emma’s been abducted and Miles is Alyssa’s number one suspect.  However, Miles has an alibi for the entire afternoon and he insists that he did not kidnap Emma.  If Miles didn’t do it, who did?  Can Alyssa rescue Emma with the help of the man who abducted Alyssa so many years ago?

Abduction Runs In The Family is an interesting Lifetime film, largely because it takes an unexpected approach to the relationship between Alyssa and Miles.  Alyssa insists that, after kidnapping her, Miles only treated her with kindness and fatherly love and the film keeps you guessing as to whether Alyssa’s memories are correct or if she’s still suffering from Stockholm Syndrome.  Miles is creepy, largely due to his past, and yet he still seems to be sincere in his desire to move on from his previous actions.  It leads to an interesting dynamic between the two characters, who are both well-played by Morris and Hyde.

Unfortunately, the solution to the mystery itself isn’t particularly satisfying.  This is one of those Lifetime mysteries where the film overall would have benefitted from a few more suspects because once you eliminate one them, there’s pretty much only one other person left.  And, unfortunately, a good deal of the film’s conclusion rests on the guilty party leaving a very obvious clue out in the open for everyone to see.

All that said, this is still a compelling Lifetime film, one that takes its story in some unexpected directions.  The final scene between Morris and Hyde is nicely acted and written.  This is definitely a Lifetime film to keep an eye out for.

Lifetime Film Review: V.C. Andrews’ Ruby (dir by Gail Harvey)


This time is the 1950s and the place is Louisiana.  Ruby Landry (Raechelle Banno) is a teenage girl who lives in a shack out on the Bayou.  She’s never known her mother.  She’s never known her father.  She does know her Grandmere, Catherine (Naomi Judd), who is a Bayou witch.  

Ruby might not know much but she knows how to paint.  One day, the owner of a New Orleans art gallery just happened to be driving by when he spots Catherine selling Ruby’s paintings on the side of the road.  He’s impressed, even though the paintings aren’t really that impressive.  He buys the paintings and then hangs them in his gallery.  Ruby can’t wait until she graduates high school so that she can move to New Orleans with her boyfriend, Paul Tate (Sam Duke).  Except … uh-oh!  Grandmere explains to Ruby that Paul is actually her half-brother so no, they can’t run off together.  That’s incest and that might be okay for the Ozarks but folks in the Bayous got standards.

As long as secrets are being shared, Grandmere also explains that Ruby’s father is a wealthy man named Pierre Dumas (Gil Bellow) and that Ruby actually has a twin sister, who we later learn is named Gisselle (and who is played by Karina Banno, the twin sister of Raechelle Banno).  Having dropped a lot of information on Ruby, Grandmere promptly dies.

Ruby inherits Grandmere’s shack and she still has the money that she made off of her paintings, which means that Ruby is now one of the richest people in the Bayou.  However, her alcoholic grandfather still wants to sell her to a local businessman so Ruby flees the Bayous, heads to New Orleans, and decides to live with Pierre!

Pierre is ecstatic to discover that he has another daughter.  Pierre’s wife (Lauralee Bell) is a bit less excited about it.  And Gisselle claims that she could hardly care less about her Bayou sister.  In fact, it seems like Ruby’s only ally is the housekeeper who, it turns out, knows all of the best voodoo priestesses in New Orleans….

Now, believe it or not, all of that happens within the first 30 minutes of RubyRuby is not a boring film.  In fact, one could claim that there’s almost too much going on.  No sooner has Ruby moved into the house than she’s hearing mysterious weeping coming from one of the bedrooms.  No sooner has Ruby started high school in New Orleans than she’s being set up for humiliation by her twin sister.  As soon as Ruby draws one of her classmates naked, you know that she’s going to end up in an asylum where a doctor will demand to know if she’s familiar with the term nymphomania.  Ruby is a big and messy film, one that embraces the melodrama with so much enthusiasm that it’s easy to overlook that the film really doesn’t make much sense and that a lot of the plot is dependent upon people not being particularly smart.

Ruby is one of the many recent Lifetime films to be adapted from a V.C. Andrews novel.  Now, of course, V.C. Andrews didn’t have anything to do with writing Ruby.  She died long before the book was written.  Instead, Ruby was written by ghost writer, pretending to be Andrews.  The plot ticks off all of the usual V.C. Andrews tropes with such precision that it’s hard not to be both impressed and amused.  White trash?  Yep.  Incest?  Yep.  Rich relatives?  Yep.  More incest?  Yep.  Big house?  Yep.  Twins?  Yep.  If you made use of a random V.C. Andrews plot generation, it would probably give you something similar to Ruby.

Ruby is silly fun.  It doesn’t reach the heights of Flowers in the Attic films but it’s still better than the films that Lifetime made about the Casteel family.  It was also the first of four films about Ruby and her family.  I’ve got the other three on the DVR and I’ll be watching and hopefully reviewing them before the month ends.

Lifetime Film Review: A Professor’s Vengeance (dir by Danny J. Boyle)


When aspiring writer Nicole Atkins (Lindsey Dresbach) returns to graduate school, she assumes that she’ll take a few creative writing courses and that will be it.  Unfortunately, her creative writing professor has come down with a case of mono and his replacement is Daniel Hudson (Ross Jirgl), an arrogant academic with whom Nicole previously had a torrid affair.  At time, of course, Nicole didn’t know that Daniel was married to a veterinarian named Valerie (Crystal Day).

It’s an awkward situation but Nicole hopes that her previous relationship with Daniel won’t be a factor in the grades that he gives her.  Daniel, meanwhile, seems to be perturbed by the fact that Nicole is getting close to another student, Brandon (Byran Bachman).  When one of Nicole’s papers gets an F, Daniel explains that he actually gave her an A.  Maybe, Daniel suggests, Brandon hacked into the system and changed her grade, all in an effort to make Daniel look bad.

Meanwhile, students are dying.  The police think that the deaths are due to accidental drug overdoses but the viewer knows that there’s a murderer stalking the campus and anyone who has ever had any sort of relationship with Daniel is a potential target!

If this was one of Lifetime’s “Wrong” films, A Professor’s Vengeance would have concluded with Vivica A. Fox showing up at the end and saying, “Looks like you slept with the Wrong Professor” or “You picked the Wrong Major.”  However, it’s not a part of the Wrong series, even if it does have a plot that feels like it would have been perfect for the particular franchise.  Also, like the majority of the Wrong films, A Professor’s Vengeance is a thoroughly fun and enjoyable Lifetime melodrama, full of lies, sex, death, and a smug man who you just can’t wait to see get his comeuppance.  It also has a twist ending and a nicely done dream sequence!  Seriously, what more could you ask for from a film like this?

Ross Jirgl is wonderfully hissable as the smug professor but the film is truly stolen by Crystal Day, playing the professor’s wife.  Day perfectly captures the fury of a woman who is smart enough to know better than to trust her husband and her building anger as it becomes obvious that he’s cheated on her is one of the best parts of the film.  Lindsey Dresbach is a likable heroine and, just as importantly, she’s also believable as someone who could write a short story that someone would actually want to publish.  Meanwhile, Bryan Bachman is very sweet and sympathetic as her well-meaning classmate.  Of course, it’s not a Lifetime film without a skeptical police detective and, in this film, that role is well-played by Kate Dailey.  If I ever committed a crime, I would not want to be questioned by Kate Dailey’s detective.  I would probably start naming names as soon as she shot me that first glare.

I very much enjoyed A Professor’s Vengeance.  It’s exactly the type of film that made me fall in love with Lifetime in the first place.

Lifetime Film Review: A Predator Returns: Stalker’s Prey 3 (dir by Colin Theys)


Bruce is back!

Played by Houston Stevenson, Bruce is the character at the center of Lifetime’s Stalker’s Prey trilogy.  Bruce is a handsome, charming young man who loves studying the ocean and who, even more importantly, loves studying sharks.  In fact, sharks tend to follow Bruce wherever he goes.  You have to understand that Bruce is one of those people who has to move around a lot.  He has a bad habit of becoming obsessed with teenage girls and then feeding his romantic rivals to his shark.  Poor Bruce.  If only he had more confidence in himself!  Anyway, you can usually find Bruce hanging out in the marina or near the bay.  Usually, he’ll be using an assumed name but you can always tell that it’s Bruce because he’s the guy who won’t stop talking about how much he loves the water.

A Predator Returns finds Bruce calling himself David and telling everyone that he’s an oceanography students.  He’s living in a deserted lighthouse and seems to be content to spend all of his time feeding his sharks.  However, when he spots a group of teenagers swimming near the lighthouse, everything pretty much goes downhill from there.  After he rescues the teenagers from his sharks, Bruce quickly becomes obsessed with Courtney (Leigha Sinotti).  Courtney is having trouble at home, largely because of her demanding mother and her overprotective father.  Soon, she’s running around with Bruce and staying out until five in the morning.  Courtney’s father takes an automatic dislike to Bruce.  Uh-oh, looks like someone’s about to become shark bait.

Bruce and Courtney’s relationship gets pretty serious.  How serious?  At one point, Bruce shouts, “BRUCE IS GOING TO BE A DADDY!”  Of course, by the time Bruce finds out about that, Courtney has already dumped him because he’s such an obvious psycho.  Bruce is determined to get Courtney back, even if it means framing her for murder.

Especially when compared to Stalker’s Prey and A Predator’s Obsession, there isn’t much shark action in A Predator Returns.  The shark’s do much an appearance, of course and they do eat a few unfortunate victims.  But, compared to the previous films, they still don’t play a huge role in the story.  That was a bit disappointing, as the sharks really were the main attractions in the previous two Stalker’s Prey films.  You really can’t introduce sharks and then just kind of push them to the side.  It’s the rule of Chekhov’s Shark.  If you introduce a shark during act one, it’s going to have to eat at least a dozen people by the end of act three.

That said, Huston Stevenson really dug into the role of crazy Bruce and he was well-matched by Leigha Sinotti as Courtney.  The film was full of winking references to Jaws and a host of other horror films and it’s impossible not to enjoy a film that’s so clearly in on the joke.  Director Colin Theys keeps the action moving quickly and the movie ends a nicely ambiguous note, one that suggests that the story may not be quite over.  If there’s anything that I’ve learned from watching these films, it’s that sharks have 9 lives and, for that matter, so does Bruce!

What Lisa Watched Last Night #216: The Danger Next Door (dir by Bill Corcoran)


Last night, I watched the latest Lifetime film, The Danger Next Door!

Why Was I Watching It?

Because it was on Lifetime, of course!  It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a chance to watch a Lifetime film on the night that it aired.  Seriously, my DVR is full of Lifetime films right now and waiting for me to dig into them come November.

What Was It About?

After getting mugged, pregnant Robin (Hannah Emily Anderson) and her husband, Ben (Jake Epstein) move to a small town.  At first, the town seems perfect but it’s hard not to notice that their next door neighbors, Guy (David Ferry) and Sharon (Kyra Harper), are a little bit too friendly.  Anyone who has watched a Lifetime film knows that no one that nice can be trusted and that’s certainly the case here.

What Worked?

I always love a good “small towns are evil” Lifetime film so, in that regard, The Danger Next Door delivered exactly what I wanted.  The town was pretty, the houses were big, and the melodrama was embraced.  Yay!

The film also featured Jake Epstein, playing a sympathetic character for once!  Epstein previously played Craig Manning on Degrassi.  I’ve seen him in a lot of other movies and shows since then but he’ll always be Craig to me!  Craig was one of the best characters on Degrassi, a bipolar musician with drug problems and a habit of breaking everyone’s heart.  I always hoped that Craig and Ellie would get together, though I do think Ashley was Craig’s soul mate.  Anyway, where was I?  Oh yeah, Jake Epstein was in this movie and it was good to see him!

What Did Not Work?

Towards the end of the movie, there were a few plot twists that demanded a lot of suspension of disbelief, even for a Lifetime film.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I have never been mugged but, when I was 16 years old, the house that I was living in was burglarized.  My mom, my sisters, and I woke up one morning to discover that the garage door was open, the microwave was missing, and someone had emptied out my mom’s purse.  Even more than that, though, they stole our feeling of being secure in our home.  I had nightmares for weeks afterwards and I even took to sleeping with a baseball bat next to my bed.  However, the bat was a bit heavy so, after a few days, I switched it out for a golf club.

One night, I thought I heard someone creeping outside my bedroom door at 3 in the morning.  I got up, grabbed my golf club, and creeped over to the door.  I took a deep breath, raised the club over my head, threw the door open, and swung at the first dark shadow that I saw.

“What the Hell, Lisa Marie!?” Erin exclaimed, as she (rather easily) avoided the club.

Looking back at it, I’m glad that I didn’t hit my sister in the face with a golf club.  I would have felt bad about that.  But there’s no worse feeling than having some stranger invade your personal safe place.  All these years later, I’m still a fanatic when it comes to locking all the doors, checking all the windows, and making sure I’ve got a golf club near the bed.

The movie did a good job of capturing that trauma.  I could definitely relate to Robin’s fears.

Lessons Learned

Never move to a small town.  No matter how bad and scary the city gets, it’s still safer than living in a small town.

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #215: Nobody Will Believe You (dir by Damian Romay)


Last night, I turned over to the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched Nobody Will Believe You (a.k.a. Pretty Little Victim).

Why Was I Watching It?

This was actually my second time to watch Nobody Will Believe You.  I also watched it back in July but, for whatever reason, I didn’t review it despite the fact that I enjoyed the film.  I guess I must have been busy or sick in July, who knows?  Anyway, when I saw that it was going to be airing on the Lifetime Movie Network on Thursday night, I decided to rewatch it so that I could finally get around to writing this review!

What Was It About?

Melanie (Jenna Rosenow) and her daughter, Hannah (Emily Topper), have moved to a new town and, for Hannah, that means starting at a new school!  From the very first day, it’s obvious that Hannah is going to struggle to fit in.  Hannah may be nice but her classmates definitely are not.  The cheerleaders are bitchy.  The jocks are toxic.  Her best friend is alienated.  There’s a mysterious man who occasionally shows up and menacingly waves around a taser.  The only good news is that the friendly guidance counselor (John William Wright) wants to hire her to teach his daughter how to play the piano!  What could possibly go wrong?

What Worked?

I enjoyed Nobody Will Believe You because it did what every good Lifetime film does.  It shamelessly and openly embraced the melodrama.  Seriously, every possible thing that could happen to Hannah did happen to Hannah.  No sooner was Hannah getting rejected by the cheerleaders then she was saving the most popular girl in school from a falling printer.  No sooner had Hannah’s phone been hacked than someone was trying to frame her for murder.  It was such a nonstop collection of incidents that it quickly became clear to me that the film was self-aware when it came to its status as a Lifetime film.  It understood why the audience was watching and it was determined to give us exactly what we wanted.  At its best, the film worked as both a tribute to and a parody of the typical Lifetime movie.

What Did Not Work?

Obviously, for the film’s plot to work, Hannah had to be extremely naïve and trusting.  And, let’s be honest, it is true that some people are easily tricked.  Not everyone has the streetwise instincts of a suburbanite who has watched several hundred Lifetime films.  However, even with that in mind, it was sometimes hard to accept that Hannah could be as totally naïve as she often was.  Watching the movie, you sometimes got the feeling that, even if Hannah survived, she was destined to grow up to be one of those people who ends up sending their life savings to Aruba because someone contacted them on Facebook, claiming to be Garrett Hedlund.

“Oh my God!” Just Like Me Moments

When I was growing up, my family used to move a lot so I definitely could relate to Hannah’s nervousness about having to start all over again at an entirely new school.  And, when I was in high school, I got along famously with our guidance counselor.  If I hadn’t broken my ankle, maybe he would have asked me to teach his daughter to dance.  Of course, if Lifetime films have taught me anything, it’s that being hired to teach anyone anything is automatically going to lead to tragedy.

And of course, that brings us to….

Lessons Learned

Don’t teach.  Don’t offer to help anyone.  Reject any and all offers of mentorship.  It’s just going to lead to trouble.

Cleaning Out The DVR: Psycho Intern (dir by Ann Forry)


Here at the Shattered Lens, we have a very simple but very important rule.

DON’T SLEEP WITH THE INTERNS!

Of course, we also don’t have any interns so I’ve never really had to go out of my way to enforce that rule but still, if we did have interns, the rule would definitely be to not sleep with them.  Seriously, I’ve seen enough Lifetime films to know better.  Anytime you see a Lifetime film with the word “Intern” in the title, you know that the intern is going to be attractive, you know that the boss is going to be dealing with a difficult divorce or some other personal issue, and you know that one night of passion is going to leave to at least 40 minutes of trouble.

That’s certainly the case when it comes to Alex Prescott (Madison Smith), the handsome young man who works as an intern for Maya (Emmanuelle Vaugier).  At first, Alex just seems like an overly earnest college student who is oddly eager about making coffee.  But then, after Maya’s assistant is injured in a mysterious accident, Alex becomes an indispensable part of the office.  In fact, Alex is so helpful and so supportive and so handsome that it doesn’t seem to matter that he never brought in the information necessary for the company to run a background check for him.  And when he’s asked to offer up some proof that he actually is a college student, he claims that university’s server has gone down and it’ll be a while before he can get that proof.  

That all sounds pretty suspicious to me but one can’t really blame Maya for not paying to much attention.  She’s got a lot to deal with.  Not only is her daughter coming by for a visit but Maya also has a big presentation coming up.  Unfortunately, she also has to deal with a misogynistic coworker.  Fortunately, that coworker is sent to the hospital, the result of another mysterious accident!  There certainly do seem to be a lot of mysterious accidents and incidents whenever Alex is around.  Maya would probably notice that if she wasn’t busy having a one night stand with him in the office.

Afterwards, Maya is all like, “We have to transfer you to another office!”  But Alex …. well, the title of the movie is Psycho Intern, afterall!

This is hardly the first movie about a psycho to air on Lifetime, nor will it be the last.  Hell, it’s not even the first Lifetime movie about a psycho intern!  For whatever reason, interns are always bad news on Lifetime, which leads me to wonder what life is like at corporate headquarters.  One of the main themes of Lifetime movies that take place in the corporate world is that executives should never trust anyone who makes less money than them because those people will always end up trying to kill them.  That’s certainly the case here but, what the film lacks in originality, it makes up for in entertaining melodrama.  Madison Smith does a good job of switching back and forth from being charming to being batshit insane.  Emmanuelle Vaugier is a veteran of these type of films and she bring her usual flair to the role.  It’s a Lifetime movie that promises a psycho intern and it keeps its promise.