The Greatest Football Team Ever!

Radio did not make the team.

With the Super Bowl coming up, I decided to dip into my knowledge of sports movies and assemble the greatest football team ever.  Though this team will not be playing on Sunday night, I think that they could give both the Patriots and the Eagles a run for their money.

I present to you, the greatest football team ever:

Head Coach — Jimmy McGinity (played by Gene Hackman in The Replacements).  It’s not easy being the head coach of an NFL team.  When your team is winning, everyone loves you.  When the team struggles, everyone calls for your head.  But if you’re going to have a winning football team, you have to have a good coach.  (At least, that’s the way it is in the movies.  In real life, even Barry Switzer managed to win a super bowl.)  I considered both Any Given Sunday‘s Tony D’Amato and North Dallas Forty‘s B.A. Strother for this position but I went with Jimmy McGinity because he had more heart than B.A. but he wasn’t as emotionally unstable as Tony.  McGinty led a bunch of replacement players to victory.  Imagine what he can do with a team of movie characters!

Quarterback — Steamin’ Willie Beamen (played by Jamie Foxx in Any Given Sunday).  Quick on his feet and possessing an arm like a rocket, Willie Beamen had what it took to be one of the greats.  He may have let his ego get the better of him but, by the end of the season, he proved that he could be a leader on the field and off.  Assuming Willie doesn’t let his burgeoning musical career distract him, he has what it takes to lead our fictional team to the Super Bowl.

Backup Quarterback — Seth Maxwell (played by Mac Davis in North Dallas Forty).  What if Willie Beamen does let his ego get out of control again?  That’s where the sure hand of veteran quarterback Seth Maxwell comes in.  Seth can keep Willie focused on the field while keeping everyone high off the field.

Running back — Julian Washington (played by LL Cool J in Any Given Sunday).  Julian may spend too much time worrying about his shoe deal but no one can run a ball across the end zone like he can.  Need a second opinion?  Just ask him!

Fullback — Al Bundy (played by Ed O’Neill on Married With Children.)  You may not know it from looking at him but the last time Al Bundy played fullback, he scored four touchdowns in one game.

Wide Receiver — Rod Tidwell (played by Cuba Gooding, Jr. in Jerry Maguire).  You may get sick of him shouting his catch phrase but Rod can still make the big plays.  Just be careful around his agent.  People say that guy never knows when to stop talking.

Wide Receiver — Phil Elliott (played by Nick Nolte in North Dallas Forty.)  Since Phil can catch everything, he’s a natural pick, even if he doesn’t respect the system.

Wide Receiver — Charlie Tweeder (played by Scott Caan in Varsity Blues).  Charlie may be young and he may be wild but he can catch a ball.  Once Phil Elliott gets kicked off the team for not respecting the system, Charlie will easily shift into the 2nd wide receiver spot.

Tight End — Billy Clyde Puckett (played by Burt Reynolds in Semi-Tough).   Billy Clyde might not like being moved from running back to tight end but if anyone can pull off the transition, it’ll be a fun-loving veteran like Billy Clyde.  In the tight end position, Billy Clyde will also be available to prevent any of the players from getting involved in any cult activity.

Left Tackle — Fred O’Bannion (played by Ben Affleck in Dazed and Confused).  To quote Randall “Pink” Floyd, “Yeah, he’s kind of a joke.  Not a bad guy to have blocking for you, though.”

Left Guard — Billy Bob (played by Ron Lester in Varsity Blues.)  Billy Bob might not be the smartest guy on the field but no one’s going to get past him.

Center — Painless Pole Waldowski (played by John Schuck in MASH).  The Painless Pole may have been the best equipped dentist in Korea but he was also a fierce linesman as he proved when he became one of the first characters to drop the F-bomb in a major American motion picture.

Right Tackle — Joe Bob Priddy (played by Bo Svenson in North Dallas Forty).  Joe Bob was a good old boy racist and didn’t have much going on in the brains department but he understood the system.

Right Guard — O.W. Shaddock (played by John Matuszak in North Dallas Forty).  You can’t have Joe Bob Priddy without his partner in crime, O.W. Shaddock.

Left End — Steve Lattimer (played by Andrew Byniarski in The Program).  Just be careful about the roid rage.

Right End — Clubber Lang (played by Mr. T in Rocky III).  Clubber may have been a boxer but if Tim Tebow can play baseball after football, Clubber can follow his stint as heavyweight champion with a defensive position on the greatest football team ever.

Defensive Tackle — Samson (played by Richard Kiel in The Longest Yard).  Samson was a linebacker in the movie but I’m moving him to defensive tackle.  It doesn’t matter what position he plays.  No one is going to mess with Richard Kiel.

Defensive Tackle — “Terrible” Terry Tate (played by Lester Speight in several Reebok commercials).  Hey, the office linebacker had some moves on him!

LOLB — Charles Jefferson (played by Forrest Whitaker in Fast Times At Ridgemont High).  A great defensive player already, just check out what Charles Jefferson is capable of if he thinks someone has messed with his new car.

MLB —General Zod (played by Terrence Stamp in Superman II).  Every defensive unit needs a ruthless strategist who will do what it takes to destroy the other team.  Everyone on that field will bow before Zod.

ROLB — Ogre (played by Donald Gibb in Revenge of the Nerds).  His real name may have been Frederick Palowaski but he’ll always be Ogre to me.

Cornerback — Vontae Mack (played by Chadwick Boseman in Draft Day).  For some reason, Vontae was happy to be drafted by the Cleveland Browns in Draft Day.  After playing for a season, he hopefully saw the error of his ways and demanded to be traded to the greatest football team ever!

Cornerback — Johnny Lawrence (played by William Zabka in The Karate Kid).  Let’s see if Johnny can bring the same skill to the football field that he previously brought to cheating in the All Valley Tournament.

Free Safety — Non (played by Jack O’Hallaron in Superman II).  Non might not be able to speak but as long as General Zod’s playing linebacker, Non will know what to do.

Short Safety — Benny O’Donnell (played by Cole Hauser in Dazed and Confused).  No one’s going to get away with not signing their pledge as long as Benny is on the team.

Punter — Gus (played by several uncredited donkeys in Gus) — That donkey can really kick!

Kicker — Lucy Draper (played by Kathy Ireland in Necessary Roughness).  Did you see that field goal she kicked in the South Texas/Kansas game?  Three points can be the difference between a victory and a loss.

Kick Returner — The Freshman (played by Harold Lloyd in The Freshman).  He may not have a name or much ability but he’s got enough heart and gumption to lead a team to victory!

Waterboy — Robert “Bobby” Boucher, Jr (played by Adam Sandler in The Waterboy).  Someone’s got to keep the team hydrated!

Now, hit the field and make us proud!

As for the Super Bowl, I’m predicting the Patriots will win, 28-3.

Music Video of the Day: Thank You Hater! by Clever Pie and Isabel Fay (2012, dir by Chris Lincé)

It’s been nearly six years since this song and video first came out and it’s just as true as ever!

I’ve been writing for this site for a while now and, of course, I’m fairly active on twitter.  I’ve had to deal with my share of haters and trolls.  It just goes with the territory.  For a while there, I used to let trolls get under my skin.  I would snap back and tell them to fuck off and insult their parents and wish death upon them.  If you go back far enough, you’ll find a few of the less-than-polite responses that I used to leave people.

However, over the past year or so, I’ve gotten to the point where I no longer worry about the haters.  Some of it is because I’m more mature now than when I first started writing for this site.  Some of it is because I’ve finally dealt with a lot of the anger that I used to carry with me and, for whatever reason, my outlook is now a lot more positive in general.  A lot of it is just experience.  Quite frankly, I’ve seen a lot of people come and go, enough to know that most trolls only have a two-year shelf life before they give up and move on to something else.  As well, after you deal with enough trolls, you come to realize that 1) they’re pathetic human beings and 2) they’re going to attack no matter how you respond so it’s pointless to give them the satisfaction.  For the most part, people who attack others online are very unhappy people.  Once you realize that anytime a troll says, “LOL,” they’re actually saying, “God, I wish I was dead,” they become a lot easier to ignore.

Anyway, enjoy!

Your Guide To Surviving The “Rise Of The Animals”

Trash Film Guru

So I’m rolling with one of those occasional kicks we all (I’m assuming) go on where we catch up on seeing a bunch of shit we’ve been hearing about for X number of weeks, months, even years, and  last night said kick took me to 2011’s Rise Of The Animals, a flick shot in and around Rochester, New York for the princely sum of $7,000 by a guy named Chris Wojcik who may be short on what passes for “skill,” but clearly thinks he possesses just enough to crank out one of those “so bad it’s good” pre-fabricated “cult” numbers that outfits like Troma and The Asylum have made their bread and butter for literally decades now. That being said, if any one film can be considered a direct thematic and stylistic predecessor to this one, it would be James Nguyen’s Birdemic, but there’s a very crucial difference…

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Silk Purse: MY NAME IS JULIA ROSS (Columbia 1945)

cracked rear viewer

Columbia Pictures cranked out 52 films in the year 1945, mostly ‘B’ movies with titles like LET’S GO STEADY, I LOVE A MYSTERY, EVE KNEW HER APPLES, ROCKIN’ IN THE ROCKIES, TEN CENTS A DANCE, and THE ADVENTURES OF RUSTY, along with their continuing series featuring Blondie, Boston Blackie, The Crime Doctor, The Durango Kid, and The Whistler. They were programmers, budget jobs, designed to fill a double bill  and a theater’s seats, bread-and-butter movies with no pretenses to reach any artistic heights.

MY NAME IS JULIA ROSS was one of those programmers, a quickie cashing in on the success of the previous year’s hit GASLIGHT. Whereas MGM’S psychological thriller boasted stars Ingrid Bergman and Charles Boyer directed by George Cukor, Columbia headlined their contract players Nina Foch and George Macready , good, competent actors but hardly box office draws. And in place of Cukor, Joseph H. Lewis sat in…

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Charles Forsman’s “Slasher” Cuts Deep — But Misses The Artery

Ryan C.'s Four Color Apocalypse

Quick preamble : a good editor can make a big difference. I was commissioned to write this review for Daniel Elkin’s “Your Chicken Enemy” small-press site, and what follows is the text as originally conceived by yours truly. Daniel suggested — as opposed to demanding — a few small but crucial changes, and I think the piece reads much better in its “final” form, given that his observations were uniformly spot-on. I decided to run this “warts-and-all” version simply because, hey, it was saved “as is” in my WordPress folder, and I thought it might be of interest (to somebody? Somewhere?) to compare and contrasts the two versions.

Or, hey, maybe not. In any case, the “finished product” can be viewed here :

I’ll say this much for Chuck Forsman’s just-released Slasher trade paperback collection (Floating World Comics, originally serialized over five issues) — it leaves you with plenty…

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Music Video of the Day: Destroyer by Saint Motel (2017, dir by Alan Smithee)

Much as I do with the video for their song My Type, I love the retro feel of this video for Saint Motel’s Destroyer.

The credited director is Alan Smithee.  Mr. Smithee has had quite a career in the world of music videos.  He has been credited with directing 73 videos and editing 19 more.  He also has 8 cinematography credits and 2 writing credits.  That’s quite prolific!

Of course, Alan Smithee doesn’t actually exist.  Historically, the Smithee named was used by film directors who felt that their creative vision had been fatally compromised by philistine producers.  Though it’s been a while since Alan Smithee directed a film, it appears that he’s found a second life in the music industry.

Good for him!


Documentary Sidebar : “Future Shock! The Story Of 2000AD”

Trash Film Guru

Okay, fair enough, it took me awhile, but now that Paul Goodwin’s 2014 documentary Future Shock! The Story Of 2000 AD is available for streaming on Amazon Prime (and still easy enough to find on DVD and Blu-ray, should you desire to go that route) I had precisely zero excuse to delay watching it any further — and, truth be told, now that I’ve seen it, I’m kicking myself for having waited to long.

I’d heard pretty much nothing but good things, of course, and was fully expecting that the history of the self-appointed “Galaxy’s Greatest Comic” would make for the Galaxy’s Greatest Comics Documentary, but you know how expectations go — they’re lived up to so seldom that when it happens, it’s a damn pleasant surprise. I had another major concern about the endeavor, though, as well, one that was amplified by the fact that I saw no mention…

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