Retro Television Review: Juvenile Court 1.1 “Pilot”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  This Thursday, I will be reviewing Juvenile Court, which aired its only episode in syndication in 1958.  The show can be found on YouTube!

Episode 1.1 “Pilot”

(Dir by Ralph Nelson, originally aired on September 1st, 1958)

Fifteen-year-old Raymond Pearson (Lee Kinsolving) has been charged with trying to steal a car and almost beating the car’s owner to death. Now he sits in a courtroom with his stepparents and sullenly listens as Commissioner Robert Dortman (Ken Lynch) questions his family and his squirmy accomplice, Charlie Wiggins (Tommy Cook). Dortman’s questions eventually reveal that Raymond’s crimes are linked to his conflicted feelings about his biological father, who wants nothing to do with him. Though Dortman has sympathy for Raymond, he still has to sentence him to juvenile hall. His stepfather promises to support Raymond as best he can.

The key to understanding Juvenile Court is a title card at the start that thanks the Los Angeles Juvenile Courts for their assistance. The pilot is a no-frills courtroom drama that takes place in one location and is essentially just a guy asking questions and then listening to the answers. One can understand why it didn’t become a series: while the actors are all good and believable, the episode’s style is extremely dry.

The interesting thing about this episode is the way it mixes the approaches of both the Left and the Right when it comes to examining Raymond’s crimes. The liberal will look at this show and say, “Raymond became a criminal because he never had a chance to be anything else, not with his father and his insecurities.” The conservative will look at it and say, “Raymond nearly beat a man to death. That’s all that matters.” The show says, “You’re both right!” We learn about Raymond’s sad background, but we also watch as Raymond is sentenced to confinement.

This show reminded me a bit of Decoy, the Beverly Garland cop show that I recently finished reviewing. They’re both from the late ’50s, and they both attempted to capture the feel of a documentary. Just as Decoy’s Casey Jones often had to arrest people who weren’t entirely evil, the commissioner has to send Raymond to juvie despite understanding what led Raymond to commit his criminal acts.

Seen today, Juvenile Court is the type of thing that appeals largely to history nerds like me. There’s not much drama, but it’s still interesting to see what the world was like nearly 70 years ago.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 4.14 “The Irreducible Bottom Line”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, the fourth season comes to a close!

Episode 4.14 “The Irreducible Bottom Line”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on January 4th, 1989)

The Bulls are going to the championship game, and Joe Namath is hosting a documentary about them. In mockumentary style, Namath and his cameras follow the players around as they prepare for the big game. Quarterback Doug Clayton is told to say, “I’m going to Play Land!” if he wins. Bubba insists on wearing his lucky shirt, no matter how sweat-stained it gets. A decal for a burger chain is placed on all the footballs. The game is as much about big money as it is about victory. In the end, the Bulls win easily, and Coach Denardo finally gets a post-game call from the President.

This is a weird episode. According to IMDb, it ran 26 minutes when it premiered on HBO — the standard running time for 1st & Ten. The version streaming on Prime and Tubi, however, is only 12 minutes long and is full of abrupt jump cuts. Those streaming copies are the syndication edits. Because the series originated on HBO, most episodes included a little nudity and a lot of profanity, all of which was cut for syndication. In this case, about 14 minutes appear to have been removed. One can only assume the Bulls really partied before and after the big game.

Unfortunately, that makes it pretty much impossible to review the episode properly. A few amusing moments still land, mostly the ones that treat sports as a business. It’s also obvious that large stretches of the story were cut. All I can say is that the Bulls finally won the championship, and the rather uneven fourth season of 1st & Ten is over. We’ll start season five next week.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 8.8 “Aerobic April/The Wager/Story of the Century”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, a familiar passenger returns.

Episode 8.8 “Aerobic April/The Wager/Story of the Century”

(Dir by Ted Lange, originally aired on November 3rd, 1984)

April Lopez (Charo) is back!

After appearing at least once during each of the The Love Boat‘s first six seasons, Charo was absent during the seventh season.  She finally returns in this week’s episode, which sees April being hired as the ship’s aerobics instructor.

And that’s fine, I guess.  Charo brings a lot of energy to the role, as she did in her previous appearances on The Love Boat.  That said, it feels a bit like everyone is just going through the motions this time.  Previous April stories featured her looking for love, trying to make it as a performer, or helping to raise a family.  This episode basically just features her chasing around the members of the crew and demanding that they exercise.  She does leave the ship with a passenger (played by Gordon Jump) but it’s hard not to feel that the relationship won’t last.  We’ve seen April fall in love many times but she’s always single whenever she returns to the ship.

While April is forcing the crew to exercise, wastrel Brandon Summerville (Ben Murphy) bets his wealthy brother, Clayborn (Charles Siebert), a million dollars that Clayborn will fall in love during the cruise.  And Clayborn does fall in love!  But it turns out that Brandon actually hired Anne Loring (Mary Kate McGeehan) to seduce his brother so that Brandon could win the bet.  Anne really does fall in love with Clayborn and she confesses everything to him.  Clayborn doesn’t care.  He thinks that Anne showed good business sense and now he’s more in love with her than ever.

Finally, journalist Harold Fleming (Ralph Bellamy) is convinced that passenger Sarah Webster (Dorothy McGuire) is actually the long-missing Amelia Earhart.  Sarah insists that she’s not.  Eventually, Harold and Sarah fall in love and agree to disagree.

This was a bit of a silly episode.  None of the stories carried much weight but Ralph Bellamy and Dorothy McGuire were both charming, two old pros giving it their best.  Otherwise, this was a pleasant but fairly forgettable cruise.  Not even Charo could liven things up.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.16 “Juvies”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Pacific Blue embraces the melodrama.

Episode 4.16 “Juvies”

(Dir by Jim Davidson, originally aired on February 28th, 1999)

Crazed narcotics officer Perry Marcus (Roger Floyd) is back!

This time, he’s forcing a group of juvenile delinquents to set up the most dangerous drug dealers on the beach. After Adrian (David Scott Lago) and Maurice (a very young Aldis Hodge) convince a dealer to step out of his limo, Marcus guns the man down and then has Maurice plant a gun. Marcus loves to kill drug dealers, but he’s also willing to kill cops who object to his methods.

Jamie is shocked to see her little sister, Jennie (Crystal Celeste Grant), running with Adrian’s gang. Jennie hasn’t seen Jamie since they were in the foster care system together and Jamie shot their abusive stepfather. Jamie wants to save Jennie from the gang life, but she also has to deal with Internal Affairs officer Susan Jessup (Holly Gagnier). Jessup, an insane nymphomaniac who used to date T.C., threatens to reveal that Jamie shot her stepfather unless Jamie helps her build a corruption case against Chris Kelly. Jessup is still in love with T.C. and wants to get his wife in trouble. Jessup is also sleeping with Perry Marcus and warns him that Jamie is threatening to expose all of his extralegal methods.

Got all that?

This episode of Pacific Blue made even less sense than usual, but it was entertaining because Roger Floyd and Holly Gagnier both went totally over the top in their performances. They understood the assignment and left not a single piece of scenery unchewed. While the regular cast is busy trying to look tough while wearing bicycle shorts, Floyd and Gagnier are totally embracing the melodrama, and it’s exactly the approach that this silly episode needed. The end of the episode suggests that Marcus and Susan are going to be recurring villains. I certainly hope so!

One final note: keep an eye out for Greg Grunberg, who shows up as the lawyer who gets the juvie gang out of jail.

Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell: The New Class 2.15 “A Perfect Lindsay”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell: The New Class, which ran on NBC from 1993 to 2o00.  The show is currently on Prime.

This week, while everyone is dancing, Lindsay is starving.

Episode 2.15 “A Perfect Lindsay”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 29th, 1994)

TV’s “hottest show,” Club Jam, will be holding a dance contest at the school!

Brian asks Rachel to be his partner and is overjoyed when she says yes.  (As I watched this episode, I had to remind myself that it was supposed to be taking place before the country club episodes, which explained why Rachel and Brian were not dating.)  However, when Rachel sees that Megan is going to be dancing with some guy named Kent (Adam Bonfiant), she says that she and Brian don’t have a hope of winning.

Oh, don’t worry, Rachel.  Brian has a plan!  Brian tells Kent that the way to win the contest is to offer Belding a bribe.  Because Kent is apparently an idiot, he does just that.  Mr. Belding gives Kent detention and Megan dumps Kent as her dance partner.  Fortunately, Bobby needs a partner.  Unfortunately, shortly after asking him to be her partner, Megan discovers that Bobby can’t dance.

Meanwhile, Screech shows up at the Max and demonstrates his dance moves.  It’s extremely cringey but the audience goes nuts.  Dustin Diamond is so spastic and uncoordinated that the whole thing just feels cruel.  I really wanted to step into time machine so I could travel to 1994 and shout, “They’re not laughing with you!”

Lindsay, meanwhile, fears that she’s fat.  When Megan and Rachel mention that the camera adds 40 pounds, Lindsay has a fantasy where she dances with Tommy while wearing a fat suit.  The audience laughs but Lindsay not amused.  She skips a meal, which leads to both Tommy and Rachel theorizing that she has anorexia.  When Tommy says that the dance contest isn’t worth risking her health, Linday dumps Tommy as her partner and instead teams up with Kent.

During the dance contest, Lindsay suddenly starts to feel faint.  She has to go to classroom to rest her head on a desk.  Brian gives up his chance to dance with Rachel and goes with Tommy D to help out Lindsay.  Lindsay says she’s fine and then she faints.

With everyone else in the classroom, Megan and Bobby win the dance contest!  It turns out that Megan only needed a week to teach Bobby how to dance like a pro.  After the contest, a smiling Lindsay apologizes to everyone.  Bobby nods and says, “Go eat something.”  Lindsay happily trots off to do just that….

,,,,which is actually not how anorexia works at all.  I mean, I appreciate the fact that the show was trying to warn its viewers about eating disorders but suggesting that anorexia can be cured by simply telling someone to go eat is really kind of irresponsible.  This episode focuses on Lindsay not eating while ignoring why she stopped in the first place.  Including a fantasy sequence where the audience laughs at Lindsay wearing a fat suit probably did more to promote anorexia than Bobby saying, “Go eat something” did to prevent it.

Oh well.  At least Lindsay didn’t sing I’m So Excited.

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 6.5 “Speedway Fever”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, we meet the future of the Highway Patrol.

Episode 6.5 “Speedway Fever”

(Dir by Chuck Bail, originally aired on November 7th, 1982)

This week, we meet Bobby’s younger brother, Bruce Nelson (Bruce Penhall). Bruce is both a world motorcycle speedway champion and a student at the Highway Patrol Academy. He hopes soon to be riding a motorcycle in the name of the law, just like Bobby and Ponch.

Unfortunately, Bruce has a hard time following orders. He likes to show off when he’s riding his motorcycle. He’s a good driver and a good shooter, but he’s struggling at the Academy. And when things start to get too tough for him, he decides to walk away from it. It’s an impulsive decision that he regrets. Can Ponch and Bobby talk the head of the Academy into giving Bruce a second chance? Of course they can! Ponch and Bobby can do anything.

Bruce Penhall was a real-life speedway champion. The footage of Bruce Nelson winning his race is actually taken from one of Penhall’s actual races. Judging from this episode, Penhall was a likable, if somewhat stiff, actor. In fact, watching this episode, I couldn’t help but notice that Bruce Penhall had better chemistry with Erik Estrada than Tom Reilly did. One gets the feeling that the purpose of this episode was to introduce Penhall as a potential replacement for Reilly. If nothing else, Penhall brought a good deal of earnest energy to his performance and provided quite a contrast to Tom Reilly’s rather spacey acting style.

This episode wasn’t entirely taken up with scenes of Penhall racing. There were two storylines. The more annoying one featured three 16-year-old girls (one of whom was played by Moon Unit Zappa) who would hitchhike and then use a water pistol to rob whoever picked them up. The girls introduced themselves as being from the Valley and spent the entire episode saying stuff like “For sure!” and “Gag me with a spoon!” (I’m not kidding; they said that more than once.) Frank Zappa’s “Valley Girl” played on the soundtrack whenever the girls showed up. It was kind of embarrassing all around. Between this episode, the Moloch episode, and the UFO episode, this season appears to have found CHiPs desperately struggling to stay culturally relevant.

As for the other storyline, it featured two motorcycle-riding thieves who were robbing couriers on the highway. One of the thieves was Bruce’s best friend, Ray (Robert Romanus). What a coincidence! Romanus, of course, played Mike Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, which was probably still in theaters when this episode aired. He gives pretty much the same performance here that he gave in Amy Heckerling’s film. In the end, this episode left you wondering just how Mike Damone eventually ended up going so bad.

The episode ends with Bruce not only winning the world speedway championship but also returning to the Academy. It looks like the Highway Patrol is getting some new blood, and not a minute too soon!

Retro Television Review: Crime Story 1.16 “The Kingdom of Money”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Crime Story, which ran on NBC from 1986 to 1988.  The entire show can be found on Tubi!

This week, the show changes locations.  We’re going to Vegas and we’re getting new opening credits!

Episode 1.16 “The Kingdom of Money”

(Dir by James A. Contner, originally aired on January 30th, 1987)

Welcome to Las Vegas!

Ray Luca is very happy to be in Vegas. Along with Max Goldman, Pauli, and Steve Kordo (Jay O. Sanders), Ray has taken over a casino and is pushing his way into the local rackets. He gives a speech to the casino’s employees, telling them that from now on everything in the casino will be run honestly and that anyone who steals any money will be fired. He then has a meeting with Max in which they discuss all the ways to skim the profits.

Luca’s wife, Cori (Johann Carlo), isn’t happy about the move. She misses Chicago, so instead of hanging out around the house, Luca goes out and hires a prostitute named Jackie (Debra Feuer). Luca tells Jackie that she will be working exclusively for him from now on. Jackie points out that she already has a “manager.” Luca smirks.

The only problem for Luca is that Mike Torello is in Vegas, and now he’s working for the Justice Department. Luca and his team are headquartered in a small Vegas motel. When David Abrams sees that someone has brought a bowl of Justice Department matchbooks into the motel, he tells Torello’s men to throw them out. “We’re not a recruiting station,” Abrams says.

Torello decides that the best way to get Luca is to go after one of Luca’s Vegas associates, a loan shark named Al (Mike Starr). They visit a diner owner (Graham Beckel) who owes Al money. They convince him to call Al and say that he has Al’s money. When Al comes to collect, Torello will arrest him. Sound like a good plan, right?

Unfortunately, someone is dumb enough to leave behind the bowl of Justice Department matchbooks in the diner. Additionally, it doesn’t occur to Torello to have someone watching the diner 24/7. When Al shows up early and discovers the matchbooks, he guns down not only the owner of the diner but also his wife and 5-year-old son.

Torello’s angry. Well, Torello should be angry. He should also be feeling guilty, seeing as how he and his men basically got the diner owner killed through their own incompetence. Torello decides to go undercover as someone who needs a loan. He and his men even set up a fake strip club where Torello and Al can meet to discuss the terms of the loan. Torello’s attempt to arrest Al falls apart when one of Al’s men pulls a gun and starts firing. Danny takes a bullet in the arm before killing the gunman. As for Al, he runs through the streets of Vegas before Torello guns him down.

Abrams looks down at Al’s body and says that he doesn’t think Al is going to be testifying.

This was a good episode. If the previous Chicago-based episodes emphasized the professionalism of Torello and the impulsivity of Luca, the roles are reversed in Vegas. Luca is in his element, and Torello and his men are the ones who are now having to adjust to a new city. If the previous Chicago-based episodes tended to be cold and gray, this Vegas episode is visually defined by neon and excess. The sallow, grim-faced Torello looks out of place here. This is Luca’s world.

I’m looking forward to seeing how the rest of season one plays out.

Retro Television Review: Homicide: Life On The Street 5.22 “Strangers And Other Partners”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC!  It  can be viewed on Peacock.

This week, season 5 comes to a close.

Episode 5.22 “Strangers And Other Partners”

(Dir by Kenneth Fink, originally aired on May 16th, 1997)

It’s all hands on deck as the Homicide squad investigates the murder of Beau Felton.  This episode opens with Giardello announcing that Pembleton will be the primary and that they will all be working with Detective Falsone (Jon Seda) of the auto squad and Detective Gharty (Peter Gerety) of Internal Affairs.

“I ain’t working with anyone from IID!” Falsone snaps.

Hey, Falsone — you’re a guest star.  Shut up and do what you’re told, you prick.

The fifth season finale is a mess.  Some of that is because Beau Felton was never a strong enough a character for his death to have the emotional kick that it’s obviously meant to have.  Felton was not Crosetti.  Felton wasn’t some sort of beloved icon.  Felton was a jerk whose storylines were usually the least interesting of the show’s first three seasons.

An even bigger problem is that the emphasis is not on the detectives who we all know and love but instead on Falsone and Gharty.  Falsone and Gharty go from being at each other’s throats to teaming up to use a shared informant to get the evidence they need to go after Felton’s murderer.  Peter Gerety does a good job as Gharty.  It helps that Gharty has a compelling storyline.  He’s a cop that many people have dismissed as being a coward.  He’s trying to prove himelf.

Falsone, on the other hand …. seriously, what is the deal with this douchebag?  He spends this episodes strutting around in his stupid leather jacket, threatening to beat up people.  I get that he’s supposed to be a tough cop but he just comes across like a jackass with anger management issues.  It doesn’t help that actor Jon Seda gives a one-note performance in the role.

This whole episode is basically an introduction for Gharty and Falsone.  The other Homicide cops are pushed to the side so that these two can grab some legitimacy before becoming regular characters during season 6.  Gharty seems like he’ll be an okay addition to the ensemble.  Falsone, on the other hand, should be allowed nowhere near a show like Homicide.

While all of that is going on, Kellerman and Cox are both struggling with their drinking.  I’m a little bit tired of Kellerman and Cox, to be honest.  Kellerman, at least, has a compelling storyline with the Luther Mahoney shooting.  Dr. Cox, on the other hand, is starting feel superfluous.  No one from the Homicide squad can step into a bar without running into Dr. Cox.

Finally, Pembleton and Mary meet and agree to give their marriage another try.  Good.

This episode (and the season) ends with Felton’s murderer still on the run.  Giardello announces that the Baltimore police department is instituting a new policy in which detectives will rotate from unit to unit.  “In three months,” he tells the detectives, “none of us may be here.”

Season 5 was pretty good so it’s unfortunate that the finale was a mess.  The strength of Homicide has always been its ensemble of quirky, flawed, and heart-breakingly human cops.  Using the final episode of the season to focus on a one-note character like Paul Falsone almost feels insulting to the rest of the cast.

Next week, we start season 6!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.2


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Mr. Belding takes his job too seriously.

Episode 3.2 “Breaking Up is Hard To Undo”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on December 16th, 1990)

Slater and Jessie make it official!  They’re now a couple.  Slater wants to celebrate by going to a football game.  Jessie wants to celebrate by going to the ballet.  Suddenly, Slater and Jessie are no longer a couple.

Zack is looking forward to celebrating his anniversary with Kelly.  However, Kelly is planning on having dinner with her ex-boyfriend, Todd.  Todd is rich and “looks like Mel Gibson.”  Zack forbids Kelly to see Todd.  Kelly and Zack break up.

When a student council meeting falls apart due to Jessie and Kelly’s attempts to defund the football team and start a dance department at the school, Mr. Belding ends up breaking his gavel.  (“I broke my gavel” is the funniest line in the episode but nobody laughs.)  When Mr. Belding and his wife get into an argument over her mother-in-law staying with the Beldings and Mr. Belding ends up getting kicked out of his house, Mr. Belding decides to hang out with Zack, Slater, and Screech.  Zack comes home and discovers Belding hanging out in his bedroom….

Uhmm, what?

This is a weird episode.  The break-ups are one thing.  I could believe that part of the episode.  But why are Zack’s parents allowing his principal to live in Zack’s bedroom?  In the real world, principals and teachers get fired and worse for that sort of thing.  Seeing as how this episode also features a moment in which Zack stops time so that he can order some flowers for Mr. Belding “from Mrs. Belding,” I’m going to assume that this is a dream episode.

The dream comes to a conclusion at the Max, in which Slater and Zack before demonstrate how they should have reacted to Jessie and Kelly.  Slater announces that doesn’t care about football, strips down to a skintight leotard, and dances around the Max with Lisa (who is wearing a Jessie wig).  Screech then dressed up like a cheerleader so Zack can tell Screech that he trusts him and it’s okay if Screech wants to have dinner with Todd.

This was a weird episode.  Slater dancing was a great moment but Mr. Belding moving in with Zack asked for a little too much suspension of disbelief, even by the standards of Saved By The Bell.  Couldn’t Mr. Belding have moved in with Rod instead?

 

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.16 “Sea of Flames”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, a floating drug lab means trouble!

Episode 2.16 “Sea of Flames”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonnan and Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on February 17th, 1992)

Hobie has a nightmare in which he sees Mitch floating in the ocean and looking confused as a speedboat roars up behind him. “BEHIND YOU, DAD!” Hobie yells right before waking up.

Mitch says that the bad dream is no big deal, but Hobie is convinced that he’s seen the future. Mitch laughs off Hobie’s concerns. Mitch is more worried about convincing the city council to approve a funding increase so the lifeguards can buy some supercool wave runners.

Mitch should be worried about Eddie, who is such a terrible lifeguard that he doesn’t even notice that Scorch (Devino Tricoche) is wandering around the beach and setting fires. Scorch is a street performer who eats fire as part of his act. But after he gets a batch of bad designer drugs, he sets Eddie’s lifeguard tower on fire. Even though Eddie is sitting in the tower at the time, he doesn’t notice the flames until it’s nearly too late. After jumping off the tower in slow motion, Eddie drags Scorch to safety. “Sumo! Sumo! Sumo!” Scorch says.

Hey, there’s a boat called Sumo that’s docked in the harbor. Could it be a floating drug lab? Of course it is! When the drug dealers decide to sail away, Mitch gets a chance to show off on a wave runner! But when Mitch falls off the wave runner, he finds himself stranded in the ocean. Uh-oh, there’s a speedboat coming up behind him!

Hobie’s ghostly voice rings out: “BEHIND YOU, DAD!”

Mitch ducks out of the way just in time. OH MY GOD, HOBIE IS MAGIC!

While Mitch is busy capturing the drug dealers, Ben is once again depressed over getting old. When he investigates a house that has supposedly been empty for decades, he meets the actress (Constance Towers) who once lived there. Back when he was a young lifeguard, Ben had a crush on her. When she invites him into the house, he discovers that she has a framed picture of him that she took when he was young and standing on his lifeguard tower. She had a crush on him as well, but back then, dating a lifeguard would have led to a career-ending scandal. And now they’re both old, so what can anyone do? Oh well. Sorry, Ben, your life sucks.

But Mitch’s life is great! At the end of the episode, he thanks Hobie for having his nightmare. Hobie says he also had a dream where Mitch got married. “Blonde or brunette?” Mitch asks.

This was another silly episode of Baywatch, but as we all know, this series is at its most entertaining when it’s silly. As usual, Hasselhoff delivers even the most ludicrous of lines with an earnestness that is actually kind of charming in its own weird way. Ben’s storyline was kind of sad, but since the only reason Ben is on this show is to show that getting older sucks, it’s to be expected.

The important thing is that Mitch gets his wave runners and the ocean is now a safer place.