Call Me a Doctor”

Posted on July 29, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard, we’re expecting you!

Episode 8.4 “Ace Meets the Champ/Why Justin Can’t Read/Call Me a Doctor”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on October 6th, 1994)

Malcolm Bosworth (James Noble) boards the ship with his son (Dick Billingsley) and his son’s tutor (Jeannie Wilson). When both the tutor and Doc Bricker suggest that his son might be struggling academically because he’s dyslexic, Malcolm replies, “My son’s not retarded!” Booooo, Malcolm, booooo! In Malcolm’s defense, he comes to see the error of his ways but still, booooo!

Walter Milner (Louis Giambalvo) is a furniture salesman who tells Margo Bush (Tovah Feldshuh) that he’s a doctor. Margo’s mother (Doris Roberts) really wants her daughter to marry a doctor. Wow, I bet that will lead to some wacky complications!

Those two stories are both well-handled and feature some likable performances. James Noble makes Malcolm into a sympathetic figure, even if he is totally incorrect about dyslexia. But neither one of those stories is the main event.

The main event is Ace and Isaac boxing Ernie Jordan (Dick Butkus). Ernie is a professional boxer. Ace and Isaac are not. Ernie was originally scheduled to take part in an exhibition match for charity but, when his opponent gets sick, it looks like the children’s hospital will just have to close. Ernie’s publicist, Gaylan (Jennifer Holmes), is a former girlfriend of Ace’s. She left Ace because she felt he was irresponsible. Isaac and Gopher decide that the best way for Ace to prove that he isn’t irresponsible would be for him to volunteer to fight a professional boxer. Ace agrees. After Isaac writes a poem ridiculing the champ, Ernie declares that he’ll fight both Isaac and Ace at the same time.

Wow, sounds like Ace and Isaac are in a lot of trouble! Fortunately, for them, Ernie is a nice guy and he throws the fight and pretends to get knocked out. The children’s hospital is saved, Ernie’s reputation is probably ruined, and Ace proves …. well, I don’t know what Ace proves. Ace’s goal is to show that he’s not just a rich kid with an easy job but that’s a little bit difficult because he is a rich kid with an easy job. Ace is the Jack Schlossberg of The Love Boat, just with better hair. Still, Ace gets a girlfriend for the final five minutes or so of the episode so that’s a good thing.

This episode was pleasant, though it’s hard not to feel that Gopher would have been a more amusing opponent for Ernie Jordan. Pat Klous still seems to be struggling to fit in with the rest of the cast as Judy. Still, Isaac’s brief Mohammad Ali impersonation made me smile and Ted McGinley’s hair was perfect. With this episode, The Love Boat shows its age a little but luckily, our crew is still capable of delivering an enjoyable if not exactly memorable cruse.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 8.2 and 8.3 “Vicki and the Fugitive/Lady in the Window/Stolen Years/Dutch Treat”

Posted on July 22, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have a two-hour episode of The Love Boat!

Episodes 8.2 and 8.3 “Vicki and the Fugitive/Lady in the Window/Stolen Years/Dutch Treat”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on September 29th, 1984)

This week, the crew is assigned to a European cruise! Aboard the Royal Viking Sky, the crew and their passengers sail from England to the Netherlands and back again. This is one of those episodes that was shot on location and, as always, the scenery is lovely.

The stories on the other hand….

Vicki falls for a deckhand named Peter (Patrick Cassidy). In fact, Vicki even finds herself falling in love with him. (In this episode, it’s established that Vicki is now 17. Is she old enough now to actually get paid a salary for all the work she does on the boat?) However, Peter is actually Anton, a young man who is being pursued by Interpol. The show spends a lot of time trying to make it appear as if Antono is a criminal of some sort. Actually, he’s just a royal prince who ran off because he wasn’t ready to accept his official duties. Vicki is happy to discover that Anton isn’t a criminal but unhappy that he now has to stay behind and rule a kingdom in Europe.

Captain Stubing probably could have helped Vicki during all of this but he was too busy pursing a romance with Inga Van Damme (Elke Sommer), a mysterious passenger who, much like Anton, appeared to be keeping a secret from her romantic partner. Telling Stubing that she couldn’t be with him, Inga left the ship early. Stubing wandered all over Amsterdam, searching for her. And he discovered her …. working as a madam. “It is legal here,” Inga explains. “But is it morally right?” Stubing replies.

Speaking of being morally right, Dr. Foster (Pat Harrington, Jr.) finds himself on the boat with both his wife (Eileen Brennan) and his mistress (Teri Copley)! Wow, how many times can the exact same thing happen on the Love Boat? As always with this show, the husband went back to his wife but, fortunately, his mistress met someone while leaving the boat. “Can I help you with your bags?” the charming stranger asks. “Are you married?” the former mistress replies.

Finally, Danish Lisa Anderson (Cloris Leachman) meets Erik Larsen (George Kennedy), another Dane, on the boat. (George Kennedy speaks with his normal American accent.) Erik falls in love with Lisa (Hey! That’s my name!) but Lisa is haunted by memories of her former lover (Tim Robbins) being dragged away by the Nazis during World War II. At first, it seems that Lisa is too haunted by what happened to move on. However, it is eventually revealed that her former lover is Erik Larsen! Somehow, Tim Robbins grew up to be George Kennedy. In her memories, it appears that Lisa betrayed Erik but actually, by pointing him out to the Nazis, she bought him time. While everyone else in the town square was being executed, Erik was being interrogated and, because of this, he was still alive when the Americans returned.

So, here’s the problem. Cloris Leachman, not surprisingly, gives a great performance as Lisa. And George Kennedy, once you get over the idea that he’s supposed to be Danish, gives a pretty good performance as Erik. But flashbacks of Nazi atrocities feel very much out-of-place when mixed in with scenes of Vicki dating a prince and the doctor trying to balance being on a cruise with both his wife and his mistress. Tonally, this episode is all over the place.

That said, the scenery’s lovely (am I repeating myself) and Ted McGinley fit in nicely with the rest of the crew. Pat Klous isn’t bad as Judy but, at least at this point in the season, she doesn’t have the same sort of brother/sister chemistry that Lauren Tewes had with Fred Grandy and Bernie Kopell. McGinley, of course, had the advantage that, while he was new, he still wasn’t replacing anyone. Poor Pat Klous still has to escape from the shadow of the former cruise director.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 8.1 The Crew’s Cruise Director/What a Drag/Doc’s Slump

Posted on July 15, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Come aboard, it’s time to start season 8!

Episode 8.1 “The Crew’s Cruise Director/What a Drag/Doc’s Slump”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on September 22nd, 1984)

The season starts with the Captain gathering the crew — including Ace, your ship’s photographer! — in his cabin and telling them that Julie will not be joining them on their next cruise. Or any other cruise for that matter. Julie has eloped will never be seen again. (In real life, Lauren Tewes was struggling with a cocaine addiction and was fired after the seventh season.) Everyone drinks a toast to Julie, even Captain Stubing who has previously been established as a recovering alcoholic.

The new cruise director is Bernice Bronson (Diane Ladd), who is oddly abrasive and doesn’t seem to care about keeping any of the passengers happy. Seriously, why is this woman a cruise director? I understand that The Love Boat had corporate sponsorship so I have to wonder how the actual executives at Princess Cruise Line felt about one of their employees being portrayed as being so incompetent at her job. Fortunately, Julie’s sister — Judy McCoy (Pat Klous) — is also on the cruise. A former cruise director herself (who, we’re told, taught Julie everything she knew), Judy takes it upon herself to cover for Bernice.

This week’s cruise is an all women’s cruise to Alaska. Along with going to the coldest place on Earth, the passengers also get to have a pajama party in the ship’s lounge and one of them will win a date with sexy singing sensation (snicker) Engelbert Humperdinck. Engelbert only appears briefly in this episode, which is good because I misspell his name every time I try to write about him.

Doc’s new girlfriend, Emily (Michelle Phillips), is not amused that Doc is on a boat full of women. She knows that Doc has a reputation and a history. Ace and Gopher take it upon themselves to try to convince Emily not to leave Doc. Doc just looks exhausted in this episode.

Emily really should put the blame on publicist Jane Fletcher (Patty Duke). Jane’s the one who came up with the idea for the cruise and also the contest to win a date with the singer whose name I can’t spell. Jane’s husband (Bert Convy) and his best friend (Arte Johnson) decide to disguise themselves as women and sneak on board. Jane immediately recognizes her bathrobe at the pajama party so she pretends to be in love with Captain Stubing in order to make her husband jealous. Meanwhile, Bernice falls in love with the husband’s friend and she quits her job.

OH MY GOD — THE CRUISE IS WITHOUT A CRUISE DIRECTOR!

Well, don’t worry. The Captain offers the job to Judy and Judy accepts.

This episode was …. well, it was okay. It felt strange not having Julie aboard but Judy seems like she’ll be a good replacement and I’m also happy that Ted McGinley is now a permanent member of the crew. Personally, I would love to have a pajama party on a cruise ship. That said, Jane should have divorced her idiot husband and Doc really should do something about this midlife crisis that he’s been having for the last eight years.

I’m looking forward to this new season, though. Love is still exciting and new.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 7.27 “Best Ex-Friends/All the Congressman’s Women/Three Faces of Love”

Posted on July 8, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, season 7 comes to an end,

Episode 7.27 “Best Ex-Friends/All the Congressman’s Women/Three Faces of Love”

(Dir by Ted Lange, originally aired on May 12th, 1984)

This week, on The Love Boat, Gopher fires Isaac!

You read that right. Gopher told Isaac, “You’re fired,” and it was one of the most shocking things I’ve ever seen on The Love Boat. Some of that was because Gopher and Isaac were best friends. Most of it was because I had no idea that Gopher could fire people.

Why does Gopher fire Isaac? Because Isaac refuses to fire Tina Burnell (Eugenia Wright), the new barmaid that Isaac is currently dating. In Gopher’s defense, Tina is terrible at her job. Also, in Gopher’s defense, it really doesn’t seem ethical for Isaac to hire someone just because he wants to sleep with her. In fact, that seems kind of icky by today’s standards. Then again, this episode aired in 1984. Times were apparently different back then.

The next morning, Gopher rehires Isaac and the two of them forgive each other. But then Gopher puts in for a transfer to another ship because he feels that he’s too close to everyone on the boat to do a good job. (Gopher is probably correct about this.) Isaac finally admits that Tina is not a good enough barmaid and he gently fires her. He assures her that, with her looks and personality, she’ll be able to find a new boss who wants to sleep with her and she’ll get a new job in no time. Isaac chooses friendship over meaningless sex. Awwwww!

I’m being snarky but this story actually worked far better than it had any right to. Ted Lange and Fred Grandy always made for a good team. Their friendship always feels real and, all other issues aside, it’s hard not be happy that they’re still friends at the end of this episode.

As for the other stories, Sal Viscuso plays a movie makeup artist who fears that his girlfriend (Heidi Bohay) is going to cheat on him. He disguises himself as both Burt Reynolds and Doc Bricker in order to test her loyalty. Amazingly, she’s touched by his devotion.

And finally, 11 year-old Tori Spelling plays a sociopathic little brat who doesn’t want her Congressman father (Sam Goom) to run for governor or marry his campaign manager (Phyllis Davis). So, Tori starts cutting up newspapers and magazines and using the headlines to create threatening letters. Somehow, no one has figured out that Tori is the culprit and the Congressman is traveling with a bodyguard. (Hopefully, the Congressman is paying for the bodyguard himself and not charging the taxpayers.) Eventually, Tori comes clean but only after she’s caught with a scissors, glue, and cut up magazine. Personally, I think Tori should have been tossed overboard but instead, she accepts her father’s ambition and her new stepmother’s love.

This was the final episode of Season 7 and it wasn’t a bad one to go out on. Tori Spelling was a terrible actress even at the age of eleven but the Gopher/Isaac storyline was touching. Sadly, this was Lauren Tewes’s final episode and she did not get a grand send-off. Instead, she was fired after this season because, as Tewes has admitted in several interviews, she was struggling with a serious cocaine addiction. Tewes didn’t get to do much during Season 7 and, when you consider how important Julie was during the early seasons of The Love Boat, that’s a shame.

Out of respect for Lauren’s final episode, we’re retiring the HOW COKED UP WAS JULIE scale. What’s important is that Lauren herself got clean and went on to appear in Twin Peaks: The Return. Good for her!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat Boat 7.25 and 7.26 “”Dreamboat/Gopher, Isaac & the Starlet/The Parents/The Importance of Being Johnny/Julie and the Producer”

Posted on June 24, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, everyone’s singing!

Episodes 7.25 and 7.26 “Dreamboat/Gopher, Isaac & the Starlet/The Parents/The Importance of Being Johnny/Julie and the Producer”

(Dir by Robert Scheerer, originally aired on May 5th, 1984)

A Hollywood film crew is setting sail on The Love Boat. They’ll be shooting a movie called Dreamboat and the passengers and the crew will be acting as extras! Dreamboat is a musical which means that, for the next two hours, everyone on the Pacific Princess is going to be randomly breaking out into song.

From what I’ve seen online, there’s a tendency to dismiss the musical episodes of The Love Boat but I have to admit that I kind of enjoy them. Our Love Boat crew may not have been the most musically talented group of people but they all seemed to be enjoying the chance to show off and try to hit those high notes. The songs themselves are nothing special. It really is more of a community theater production than a Broadway show. But I like community theater productions. It’s always nice to see everyone trying their hardest and doing their best.

What’s happening on the ship in between songs? A lot!

Star Faye Marsh (Juliet Prowse), who is insecure about her struggling career, holds up shooting with her demands. The only time she’s truly happy is when she’s spending time with Doc Bricker, who is a longtime fan.
Gopher and Isaac try to get a role in the film. When they fail to impress director Bennett Barton (Ben Vereen), they then team up to try to help a passenger named Shelley Rush (Melba Moore) get a role.
Julie is shocked to discover that the film’s producer, Marty Chenault (Dean Jones), is the brother of her former fiancé. (Julie’s former fiancé was previously played by Tony Roberts so it was apparently decided to give Dean Jones a perm so that he could look more like Roberts. It doesn’t really work) Julie and Marty seem to be falling in love but is it Marty that Julie likes or is she just missing the former lover of her life?
Vicki has a crush on singer Johnny Lovett (Jimmy Osmond), who is nervous about making his film debut in Dreamboat. Johnny sings Spinning Wheel while Vicki snaps her fingers.
Captain Stubing falls for Johnny’s mother, Angela (Alexis Smith).

There’s a lot of people to keep track of in this episode but ultimately, the stories don’t matter. This episode is about singing and dancing and having a good time. Everyone seems to be having fun. I felt happy while watching them.

That said, I know what you’re wondering.

On a scale of 0 to 10, Julies scores a perfect ten this week. When she first sees Marty, her eyes flash with an energy that is generated by more than just love. This week, Julie never stop smiling and she often seems to be sniffing whenever she’s in the background.

And you know what? As long as Julie’s happy, I’m happy for her. This was a very happy episode.

Next week, we reach the end of the seventh season!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 7.24 “A Rose Is Not A Rose/Novelties/Too Rich and Too Thin”

Posted on June 17, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Come aboard, we’re expecting you. And love …. won’t hurt anymore…. Actually, that’s not quite true. There’s some real pain in this week’s episode. Then again, there’s also Don Adams and Rich Little. It’s all a bit strange, to be honest.

Episode 7.24 “A Rose is Not a Rose/Novelties/Too Rich and Too Thin”

(Dir by Neil Cox, originally aired on March 17th, 1984)

Hey, Don Adams is on The Love Boat …. again! This time, he’s playing a novelties salesman who is in love with Audrey Meadows. Meadows, however, assumes that Adams is only pursuing her because he wants to place his gag gifts in her store. Adams doesn’t help his case by constantly bringing up his novelties. This was a silly story. It wasn’t bad but it wasn’t particularly memorable. It was pleasant in the way that watching an old sitcom with a grandparent can be pleasant.

Both Doc and the Captain have fallen for Jamie Sloane (Jamie Lynn Bauer), an actress who is up for a big commercial. Jamie worries about her weight. She pops diet pills like crazy. She doesn’t eat at dinner. Yes, that’s right — The Love Boat deals with anorexia! And there’s nothing wrong with that except for the tonal whiplash that comes from having a relatively serious story about a potentially fatal condition playing out next to Don Adams trying to sell novelty gifts and Rich Little pretending to be a woman.

Yep, impressionist Rich Little boards the cruise. He’s playing Barry Corwin, the best friend of singer Rose York. Rose has been hired to sing on the boat but she’s fallen ill. So, Barry boards the boat disguised as Rose …. no, come back. Come back. This is really dumb but at least let me finish the review. Of course, passenger Radford Harcourt (Arte Johnson) falls for Rose. In fact, no one figures out that Rose is actually Barry, even though Rose has a noticeable five o’clock shadow and is wearing a pretty obvious wig. Meanwhile, Barry falls for Julie.

And again, it’s not that this is really a bad story. It’s pretty much a standard silly Love Boat story. But there’s just a massive tonal whiplash here as the episode goes back and forth from Don Adams and Rich Little to a woman dying to be thin. As such, this episode really doesn’t work.

But I know what you really want to know.

How coked up was Julie?

Obviously, very coked up. I mean, she didn’t even notice that the cruise’s entertainer was just Rich Little in a wig. Somehow, I can’t help but think this could have been avoided if Ace had been on this cruise but this the second week in a row that the ship has sailed without its photographer on board.

This was an odd cruise. Eating disorders suck.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 7.23 “Side by Side/A Fish Out of Water/Rub Me Tender”

Posted on June 10, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we have a very odd cruise indeed.

Episode 7.23 “Side by Side/A Fish Out of Water/Rub Me Tender”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 10th, 1984)

When the ship’s masseuse abruptly quits, Gopher is forced to make a split-second decision. He hires Dorrie Butterworth (Mandy Perryment) as a replacement but, because he had to do so at the last minute, he doesn’t get a chance to tell Captain Stubing about it. When Stubing meets Dorrie and invites her to dine at the Captain’s Table, Dorrie assumes that it’s all a part of the job. When Dorrie wants to give the Captain a massage, he assumes that it’s her way of flirting. (Myself, I always find it weird that, on every cruise, the Captain always seems to be struggling to find a date. I mean, he’s the Captain!) Gopher is worried that he’ll get in trouble for hiring Dorrie without telling the Captain ahead of time. Instead, once Captain Stubing learns the truth, Dorrie is hired full time.

Yay! Dorrie’s a new member of the crew! I wonder if we’ll ever see her again. Probably not.

(Don’t laugh. Ace joined the crew two episodes ago but he’s nowhere to be seen in this episode.)

Edna Miles (Glynis Johns) boards the ship with her teenage grandson, Toby (Rossie Harris). Everyone is charmed by how attentive Toby is to his grandmother. Toby tells Doc that his grandmother is dying and he wants her to enjoy her final days. However, when Doc talks to Edna, she reveals the truth. Toby is the one who is dying, though he doesn’t realize it. I’m not sure how you wouldn’t realize that but whatever. It was a sad and sweet development. Toby thought he was comforting his grandmother during her final days but instead the opposite was true. Still, someone really should let Toby know the truth at some point….

Finally, Allen (Ed Begley, Jr.) boards the ship and confesses to Isaac that he doesn’t know how to talk to women. Isaac assures him that everyone finds love on the Love Boat. After recovering from an accidental blow to the head, Allen wanders into the ship’s cargo hold and discovers that there’s a mermaid named Cora (Mary Crosby) being transported in a crate. Allen sets Cora free and they have a nice romance on the boat. But when Allen realizes that Cora is going to die if she doesn’t get back in the water, he tosses her overboard.

And then he wakes up! It turns out that it was all a dream! Wait — does that mean everything else that happened on this episode was just a dream as well? Maybe that kid really isn’t dying! Unfortunately, it turns out that the kid is still dying but Allen does meet a woman who looks just like Cora, except she’s not a mermaid.

Not many shows would have the courage to combine a story about a terminally ill child with a comedy about a shy man and a mermaid. The Love Boat, however, did. This was an odd episode. The tone was all over the place. The kid made me want to cry and the mermaid thing made me laugh because, even when it came to something as silly as this, Ed Begley, Jr. knew how to deliver a comedic line. The two stories should not have existed anywhere near each other but they did.

As a result, this was a great cruise! Seriously, The Love Boat is at its best when it breaks the rules.

Finally, I should slso note that, on the How Coked Up Was Julie Scale, this episode scores only a 5 out of 10. Who needs cocaine when you’ve got mermaids and terminal illnesses to deal with?

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 7.22 “The Lady and the Maid/Love Is Blind/The Babymakers”

Posted on May 27, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, it’s all about maids and bartenders!

Episode 7.22 “The Lady and the Maid/Love Is Blind/The Babymakers”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 3rd, 1984)

This week, it’s a busy cruise!

Dorothy Fielding (Luise Rainer) boards the boat and immediately runs into her twin sister, Maggie (also played by Rainer). Maggie is working as a maid and she resents her sister. But when Dorothy agrees to switch places with Maggie, Maggie gets to date the charming and rich Stewart Coolidge (Don Ameche). This storyline features not one but two Oscar winners. Ameche won an Oscar for his role in Cocoon, albeit after this show aired. Rainer won two Oscars, back-to-back, in the 30s and then seemingly vanished from film screens. Unfortunately, while Ameche is charming, Rainer comes across as if she would rather be anywhere than playing twins on an episode of The Love Boat. There were several scenes in which Rainer spoke with Rainer. They were obviously included to show off the show’s split-screen approach but, unfortunately, Rainer never seemed to be sure which direction either twin should be looking while interacting with the other.

Sheila (Jennilee Harrison) is desperately trying to get pregnant. Doc mentions to her husband (Kim Shriner) that most babies are conceived during makeup sex. Guess who starts a totally random argument with his wife? This was a silly story but, to be honest, the main appeal of this show has always been its silliness. Harrison and Shriner were beyond adorable.

Finally, Isaac’s blind friend, Darnell Hall (LeVar Burton), boards the ship and takes part in Isaac’s bartending school. Darnell and Isaac also compete for the attention of Terry Cook (Shari Belafonte). And before anyone says anything — yes, I know Burton played a blind guy on Star Trek: The Next Generation. I don’t care. As for who Terry picks …. well, Isaac is a regular character and Terry isn’t. It’s not that hard to guess how things are going to turn out.

That said, I know what you really want to know.

Julie doesn’t do much in this episode but she does sound rather excited about wishing everyone a happy day in Mexico. I’m going to say seven out of ten.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 7.21 “Ace’s Valet/Mother Comes First/Hit or Miss America”

Posted on May 20, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the Love Boat has a few special passengers.

Episode 7.21 “Ace’s Valet/Mother Comes First/Hit or Miss America”

(Dir by Richard A. Wells, originally aired on February 25th, 1984)

Ace is back from photography school and not a minute too soon because the Love Boat is playing host to not only Miss America Vanessa Williams (playing herself) but also several former Miss Americas. Unfortunately, for Ace, his mother insists that the family valet, Finley (Jeremy Brett), accompany him. Ace decides that Finley needs a distraction …. maybe a girlfriend! Hey, at least one of the former Miss Americas is single….

Meanwhile, Vanessa Williams is getting annoyed with various men hitting on her. In order to get them to leave her alone, she tells them that she has a boyfriend and he’s on the cruise. In fact, he’s working as a bartender on the boat! Tyrone (Glynn Turman) is disappointed but Isaac is overjoyed when he hears that Vanessa is “crazy” about him. Poor Isaac! And actually, poor Vanessa as well. A few months after this episode aired, she stepped down from her position after Penthouse magazine published some risqué pictures that were taken during her modeling days.

Finally, Jenny Rhodes (Audrey Landers) wants her mother, Mrs. Rhodes (Marian Mercer), to find love on the boat. Gopher helps out by wearing bronzer and a fake beard and pretending to be a wealthy and powerful Indian named Punjab. Uhmm …. yeah, I’m not really sure what to say about that. On the one hand, this episode featured the first black Miss America. On the other hand, it also featured Fred Grandy wearing brownface and speaking in a exaggerated Indian accent. It’s as if the show was so proud of itself for not being racist in one story that it didn’t notice that it was being totally racist in another.

So, this was, overall, a pretty stupid episode. I hate to have to say that because I usually really do enjoy The Love Boat. But having Fred Grandy pretend to be Indian and then having Mrs. Rhodes not get upset about the deception just felt …. well, stupid. As for the other two stories, Jeremy Brett was amusing and Ted Lange was, as always, endearing. This could have been a good episode if not for that third story.

Oh well. Not every cruise can be a winner. That said, I know what your main question is about this episode.

Julie didn’t do much this episode. Overall, she really hasn’t done much this entire season. On a scale of one to ten, I would actually give her an 8 as far as this episode goes. I mean, she really did lose it when she saw Ace was back on the boat. For that matter, the Miss Americas all appeared to be in a surprisingly good mood as well. This was the coke cruise.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 7.19 and 7.20 “Hong Kong Cruise: Polly’s Poker Palace/Shop Ahoy/Double Date/The Hong Kong Affair/Two Tails of a City”

Posted on May 13, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, The Love Boat goes to Hong Kong!

Episodes 7.19 and 7.20 “Hong Kong Cruise: Polly’s Poker Palace/Shop Ahoy/Double Date/The Hong Kong Affair/Two Tails of a City”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on February 4th, 1984)

This week, the Love Boat crew has been assigned to command a cruise to China. And while the boat might be docked in Hong Kong instead of the usual Mexico, the question remains the same:

Yes, how coked up is Julie?

Well, she’s not as coked up as usual. In fact, this is the rare Season 7 episode in which Julie actually gets to do something more than just smile at people as they board the ship. So, I’d say this episode only rates a 7 out of 10 on the How Coked Up Is Julie scale.

As for Julie and Vicki, they fall for two brothers (Leigh McCloskey, Lee Majors II). As always, Julie serves as Vicki’s mentor while Captain Stubing runs the ship. However, this time, it turns out that the guy that Julie likes actually likes Vicki instead. Vicki really likes him too. I would point out that Vicki is likely either 16 or 17 in this episode. (Jill Whelan was 18.) So, really, she and Julie probably shouldn’t both be after the same man. The guy is closer in age to Vicki than Julie but still, watching this episode, I couldn’t help but think that it might be time for Vicki to get off the boat and actually experience life on dry land. Seriously, she’s nearly 18 and she still spends all of her time talking to elderly passengers. Leigh McCloskey and Lee Majors II are literally the only two people close to her age to board the ship. She really doesn’t have much choice but to fall in love with one of them.

Meanwhile, a senator (Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.) fell in love with Donna Reed, despite the misgivings of his closest advisor (Ben Murphy). A retired spy (Gene Kelly) fell for a mysterious woman (Yvette Mimieux) and this somehow led to Gopher and Isaac putting on trench coats and following the couple through Beijing. And Brenda Vaccaro tried to stop using her credit card. The crew, for some reason, tried to help her.

None of these stories were very interesting, though I did relate to Brenda Vaccaro’s passenger. This was a travelogue episode, with the boat sailing to Hong Kong and the crew somehow managing to see every famous sight in China over the course of two days. This episode was shot on location. I always enjoy it when I can tell the actors are actually delivering their lines in the middle of the ocean. At the same time, the scenes that took place in China did not make me want to visit the country. If anything, they left me feeling bad for Hong Kong. This episode was filmed before the British handed Hong Kong over to China and it was a shame to think that all the little kids who appeared in the episode were fated to eventually become citizens of a communist country. Needless to say, the name Mao was never mentioned during this episode. Neither was the Cultural Revolution.

Come back to America, Captain Stubing. The country needs you.