Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.13 “S.A.T.s”

Posted on November 7, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

This week, Jessie has yet another breakdown.

Episode 3.13 “S.A.T.s”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 16th, 1991)

Everyone takes the “most important test of your lives!” Yes, it’s time for the S.A.T. Slater scores a 1050. Kelly scores an 1100. Lisa Turtle scores an 1120. Screech gets a 1220. Zack scores a 1502, somehow. (“The test measures how much you know,” Kelly says, “not how much you study.” Ummm .… yeah, that’s kind of true, and that’s actually the reason why I did well on the S.A.T.s when I took them, but it doesn’t explain a score that high.) Jessie, thinking that if Zack got a 1502 then she must have gotten a 1600, is shocked to discover that she only scored a 1205. Wow, that’s less than Screech! Jessie, you never should have stopped taking those pills!

When Stansbury, Jessie’s dream school, tries to recruit Zack and offers Slater a football scholarship, Jessie has a breakdown. The Gang decides that the best way to help Jessie is to get James the Actor (Mark Blankfield) to pretend to be a recruiter from Harvard who has come to the school specifically to meet with Jessie. The Stansbury recruiter is impressed, but Jessie is offended when she realizes that Stansbury only wants her because it thinks Harvard wants her. Jessie announces that she no longer wants to go to Stansbury, and Slater turns down the football scholarship… which makes absolutely no sense. Seriously, Stansbury is probably a pretty big deal. If you can get in, do it. That’s especially true in Slater’s case. He’s only scored a 1050 on his SAT.

Meanwhile, James the Actor then meets with Belding and, while pretending to be a representative of the College Board, tells him to stop giving Zack so much homework. Belding does not recognize James as being the guy who, just a year ago, pretended to be Zack’s father.

This episode is yet another that seems to be about punishing Jessie for having ambition. I mean, personally, I think she’s going to regret spending her high school years studying and worrying about her grades. Have fun and go to a party school. That’s what I did, and my life turned out fine. That said, it’s always a little weird to me how much joy Saved By The Bell sometimes took in destroying Jessie’s dreams.

I believe that was Mark Blankfield’s final time to play James the Actor on Saved By The Bell. He did return for two episodes of The New Class. Belding never did figure out who he was. Belding definitely did not go to Stansbury.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 3.5 “Pier Pressure”

Posted on November 7, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Hobie and Summer learn an important lesson about hanging out with the wrong people.

Episode 3.5 “Pier Pressure”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on October 12th, 1992)

This week’s episode is called — wait for it — “Pier Pressure.” Ha! Get it?!

Both Hobie and Summer find themselves dealing with peer pressure on the beach. Summer meets two popular girls from Malibu Beach High, where she’ll soon be taking classes. Courtney Brimmer (Elizabeth Berkley) is rich and spoiled and probably addicted to pep pills. When Summer catches Courtney and her friend drinking on the beach, Summer tells them to stay out of the water. Technically, she could have had them arrested for underage drinking, but that would have made high school a little rough. Anyway, Courtney ignores Summer and nearly drowns. Summer saves Courtney’s life and tells Mitch that Courtney was drinking. Courtney accuses Summer of being a liar. Courtney brings up the fact that, earlier in the episode, Summer thought she had a date with Slade, but it turned out Slade just invited her to his surfing competition so she could see him compete. Slade pops up and says that Courtney was drinking and that he did have a date with Summer but “I blew it.” Courtney is humiliated, and I’m sure she will not take her anger out on Summer once school begins. Should high school students be working as lifeguards? Probably not.

Meanwhile, Hobie witnesses a fight between Tony Valentino (Jason Marsden) and Andy Van Pelt (Mike Simmrin), two slightly older kids. Unfortunately, Hobie doesn’t see who actually started the fight. Also, the fight took place outside the liquor store that Mitch specifically told him to stay away from. Both Tony and Andy pressure Hobie to tell the police that the other boy started the fight. This is yet another episode that features Hobie running for his life. Hobie is barely 12 and I’ve lost track of the number of times he’s nearly gotten killed on this show. He’s got to be the most traumatized kid ever.

This episode felt like it was made for the kids, in that it had a pretty simple message about not giving in to peer pressure, and Pamela Anderson, Alexandra Paul, and David Charvet were nowhere to be seen. The episode itself felt a bit off, but Saved By The Bell fans will be excited — so excited! — to see Elizabeth Berkley playing a bitchy mean girl. Courtney thought she was going to get Jimmy Slade to lie for her, but that’s not the Jimmy Slade way.

Next week: Summer starts high school with Matt Brody.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.12 “Date Auction”

Posted on October 31, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the school is torn apart by a date auction!

Episode 3.12 “Date Auction”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 9th, 1991)

The cheerleaders need to buy new uniforms but they’re informed that Bayside doesn’t have enough money in their budget. (That’s what they get for not drilling for oil on the football field). Zack suggests that the cheerleader cheer “in their bikinis.” Kelly suggests a date auction to raise money because “lots of people would bet on Zack and Slater!” Jessie, who views the whole idea as being sexist, announce that she will not be bidding and then proceeds to threaten any girl who would even think of bidding on Slater.

At the auction, one of the many Bayside nerds is purchased, for 15 cents, by a girl who wears glasses. “Awwwww!” say the audience and they should because they’re a cute couple.

Lisa purchases student council vice president Brian Watkins (Patrick J. Dancy). Brian is an intellectual who loves Catcher In The Rye. (“I love baseball!” Lisa says). Brian insinuates that Lisa is too shallow for him so Lisa pretends to be an intellectual too. When Kelly tells Lisa that she’s not showing her true self, Lisa replies, “This Lisa has a boyfriend. The old Lisa didn’t.” Awww, what a sad line! Actually, why doesn’t Lisa just go out with Jessie’s stepbrother? They seemed to have a lot of chemistry. For that matter, where is Jessie’s stepbrother?

No one bids on Slater until Kelly, feeling sorry for him, finally speaks up and purchases a date with him. An angry Jessie slaps down $25.00 and ends up buying a date with Screech.

Finally, Zack comes out on stage. There’s a bidding frenzy. Eventually, Wendy (Judy Carmen) announces that she’s bidding a hundred dollars. A shocked Zack is sold to Wendy. Zack doesn’t know how to react because Wendy is — wait for it — overweight!

This episode features both Zack and Jessie at their absolute worst. Jessie, at least, eventually sees the error of her ways and ends up not only going to the dance with Screech but also forgiving Slater. Zack, on the other hand, attempts to get out of the date by faking an old track injury. Of course, Zack then goes surfing. Did Zack think Wendy wouldn’t hear about that?

Wendy breaks off her date with Zack and the audience applauds. Even they know that Zack is being a jerk. Zack goes to the dance alone and sits with the nerds (including the guy who was purchased for 15 cents). When Wendy shows up, Zack walks up to her and asks her to dance. Wendy agrees but then Zack ruins the moment by saying that he just feels guilty about the way he treated her. Wendy doesn’t want Zack’s pity.

Now, that is where the episode should have ended. Zack screwed up twice. He’s humiliated at the school dance. Wendy has stood up for herself. A lesson has been learned. Instead, Zack then apologizes to Wendy for a third time and invites her to go to the Max after the dance. He also turns down Lydia when the latter asks him to dance. In regards to going to the Max, Wendy says, “I’d like that.”

“And I like you,” Zack says, sounding a bit like a serial killer who is trying to lure his latest victim into his basement.

If anything, Zack is even more condescending at the end of this episode then he was at the start. But the audience is now on his side. That’s the important thing.

The other important thing is that Lisa dumps Brian after he starts complaining about her friends. “Mr. Too Much Attitude!” Lisa calls him. That’s a line that I’ve used several times since I first watched this episode, usually while talking to a cat. That said, I do wish the episode had taken the time to explain that, even if Brian was a jerk, it’s still not a bad idea to read a book and expand your mind. Remember when Zack read about Chief Joseph?

As for Wendy and Brian, they will never be seen again. Maybe they started hanging out with Jessie’s stepbrother….

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.11 “Wicked Stepbrother: Part Two”

Posted on October 24, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the sage of Jessie’s stepbrother continues.

Episode 3.11 “Wicked Stepbrother: Part Two”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 2nd, 1991)

Picking up where the previous episode ended, Eric and Lisa survive wrecking Belding’s car. Neither one gets checked by a doctor or anything sensible like that. As a matter of fact, Lisa thinks it’s the most exciting thing that’s ever happened to her. She had so much fun on her date with Eric that she even asks him if he wants to go to the MC Hammer concert with her.

Meanwhile, Zack and Slater have to figure out how to raise the $610 needed to fix the car. They decide that, since lying has worked out so well for them so far, they should hold a rigged raffle. Students pay Zack and Slater for the tickets, not realizing that it’s already been set up for Screech to win. The raffle takes place in Mr. Sachs’s math class. As Mr. Sachs solves a math problem on the board, he reads out each number. The class applauds each numeral. “I’ve never seen such math enthusiasm!” Mr. Sachs exclaims. Of course, Screech has the winning number.

When Screech is initially reluctant to hand over the money that he “won,” Eric overhears Zack and Slater threatening him in the locker room. Eric tries to blackmail Zack and Slater into giving him the money for his date with Lisa. Zack reveals that the only reason Lisa went on her first date with Eric was because Zack bribed her with the MC Hammer tickets.

Eric confronts Lisa at the Max. Lisa admits the truth. Eric says he never wants to speak to her again. As Jessie watches, Lisa sobs that, “At first, I didn’t like him. Now, I don’t like me!” Awww! Poor Lisa!

Things get even more complicated when Belding returns early and wants to see his car. It turns out that Eric convinced the auto shop teacher to totally take the car apart. (“Uh-oh,” the studio audience says.) When Jessie finds out, she marches into her former bedroom and punches Eric in the face. That black eye is all Eric needs to realize that he hasn’t been very nice. Eric puts Belding’s car back together. Belding thinks that Slater did a wonderful job installing his CD player.

Eric also decides to return to New York but the entire gang comes over and asks him to stay in California. Yay! They’re all friends now! I’m sure we’ll be seeing Eric a lot over the next few episodes. And even if we don’t see him, I’m sure that Jessie will occasionally mention him, right? I mean, you can’t just introduce a stepbrother, make him the center of a two-part episode, and then just forget about him, can you? That would be crazy!

Speaking of crazy, this episode drives me up the wall. The rigged lottery. The car prank. The desperate attempts to keep Belding from realizing that his car was in an accident. It’s all a bit much and it all could have been avoided by the students of Bayside not acting like idiots. I abhor idiot plots and that’s pretty much what this entire episode was.

If anything did redeem this episode, it was Slater getting tired of being told to fix the car and snapping, “I don’t need this pressure!” You tell ’em, Slater!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.10 “Wicked Stepbrother: Part One”

Posted on October 17, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we meet Jessie’s new stepbrother! I’m sure he’ll be around forever.

Episode 3.10 “Wicked Stepbrother: Part One”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 2nd, 1991)

Jessie’s mom has gotten married …. again!

Now, in this episode, we don’t actually meet Jessie’s mom. Nor do we meet her new stepfather. In fact, she says next to nothing about her new stepfather. Instead, this entire episode is all about Eric Tramer (Joshua Hoffman), her new stepbrother from New York!

That’s right. Jessie has a stepbrother and I’m sure that he’s going to be a major part of the show!

(Incidentally, I’m assuming that Eric Tramer was named after script consultant Bennett Tramer.)

Unfortunately, Eric is a little bit cocky. He’s got that New York attitude. When Zack pretends to be Jewish so he can skip school on Rosh Hashanah and go to a baseball game, Eric finds out and blackmails him into giving up his locker. When Jessie calls Slater a “curly Conan,” Eric records it and threatens to play it for the whole school. Jessie gives up her bedroom to Eric.

(Hey, remember how, during the first season, Zack and Jessie lived right next to each other and Zack would regularly climb in through Jessie’s window? Apparently, the show forgot about that.)

Eric has a weakness. He has a crush on Lisa but Lisa doesn’t want anything to do with him. Zack has a plan. Belding is away for the weekend and he’s given the keys to his red sportscar to Slater so that Slater can install a CD player. (Hello, 1990s!) Zack offers to give Lisa two tickets to the MC Hammer concert if she agrees to go out with Eric. Then, he and Slater allow Eric to borrow Belding’s car for his date. Their plan is to take a picture of Eric driving Belding’s car and then …. well, I’m not sure what the next step is. I guess they’re going to frame Eric for auto theft and send him to prison so that Zack can get his locker back.

Lisa goes out with Eric. They go to see Casablanca. Eric does a really bad Bogart impersonation. Lisa is charmed. Eric lets Lisa drive the car. Awwww! Zack pops up with his camera and takes a picture. The flash blinds Lisa and she crashes Belding’s car!

“We’re trouble,” Zack says to the audience.

Hey, Zack — your best friend Lisa just crashed a car! Maybe go check on her and make sure she’s not dead….

This is a two-part episode so we’ll take a look at the conclusion next week. As for the first part, this whole thing is a good example of people overreacting to nothing. Because Eric had Screech tape the baseball game, he has video evidence of Zack not being at school. Well, so what? Zack skips class all the time and, in this case, his absence was pre-approved. To get Zack in trouble, Eric would have to prove that Zack was lying about being Jewish and Zack being at a baseball game doesn’t do that. Then, Jessie gives up her room so people won’t know that she called Slater a “curly Conan.” Jessie does this to avoid being embarrassed but would it really be that embarrassing? Slater’s the most popular guy at school and he calls her “mama” in public. And finally, the biggest overreaction is Zack and Slater deciding to frame Eric for a crime as opposed to just ignoring him. It just seems like this whole thing could have been resolved by everyone going out dancing or something.

Can things get any dumber? We’ll find out next week!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.9 “Pipe Dreams”

Posted on October 10, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Zack loses his favorite duck.

Episode 3.9 “Pipe Dreams”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 26th, 1991)

Oil’s been discovered on Bayside’s football field! Smarmy Dan Grayson (Gary Lahti) offers Bayside a lot of money for the right to drill on the field. Almost all of the students fantasize about going to rich school despite the fact that, with the exception of Kelly, it’s been established that they’re all already rich and that Bayside has been a rich school for a while. I’m not sure why the students think that they would be getting any of the money. And why is it up to the principal to decide whether or not to allow drilling. It seems like that should be up to the county supervisors.

But what about the never before mentioned pond behind the football field!? When the inevitable oil spill happens, Zack’s favorite duck Becky is killed. “She’s where the oil can’t hurt her anymore,” Screech says. It looks like it’s time for Zack to crash Mr. Grayson’s presentation and spray oil on him. “I’m covered in oil!” Mr. Grayson shouts. It’s easy to make your point when your opponent is cartoonishly evil.

You probably already guessed that this is not my favorite episode. It’s just so cartoonishly heavy-handed and the idea that Zack’s simplistic presentation was enough to convince everyone not to drill for oil was borderline insulting. If there’s oil underneath the football field and money to be made by drilling for it, someone’s going to do it. No one is going to care whether Zack approves or not.

My favorite moment is when Slater calls out Jessie for wearing clothing and accessories that aren’t environmentally-friendly. Seriously, Jessie is always a little bit too self-righteous for me. Personally, I would have agreed to let the company drill for the oil but only after they found a new pond for all of the turtles and ducks.

Poor Becky.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.8 “Fake IDs”

Posted on October 3, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, someone gets caught cheating!

Episode 3.8 “Fake IDs”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 19th, 1991)

Having finally reached the point where he’s ready to move on from Kelly, Zack Morris resorts to lying to get a new girlfriend. He tells USC freshman Danielle (Julie St. Claire) that he’s a fellow Trojan. He claims to be a photojournalism major who spends all of his time in his darkroom. That’s why she never sees him on campus. Wink wink.

When Danielle invites him to the Attic, an 18-and-up club, Zack instructs Screech to use the skills he’s learned in photography class to make fake IDs. Zack, Slater, and Screech sneak out of Zack’s house and hit the Attic. Screech gets chased by an older woman named Reggie. Slater spends the whole night talking about how much he misses Jessie. Zack dances with Danielle. It’s a great night until they spot Kelly’s new boyfriend, Jeff, dancing with a girl who isn’t Kelly.

“Whoa!” Zack, Slater, and Screech all say at the same time.

When Jessie and Lisa hear that the guys went to an over-18 club, they decide they want fake IDs as well. Meanwhile, when Zack tells Kelly about seeing Jeff, Kelly accuses Zack of being jealous. But when Jeff gives a half-hearted excuse for why he can’t go out with her that night, Kelly asks Screech to make her a fake ID as well.

The next night, Zack’s parents are at a Peter, Paul and Mary concert. Zack goes to the Attic with Slater, Screech, Lisa, and Jessie and is shocked when he can’t find Danielle. What Zack doesn’t know is that Danielle called the house to tell him she would be arriving late, and the phone was answered by Mrs. Morris (Melody Rogers). Mrs. Morris stops singing “Puff the Magic Dragon” just long enough to ask, “What’s the Attic?”

At the Attic, Kelly arrives just in time to spot Jeff dancing with his other girlfriend. She yells, “I broke up with a great guy for you!” “It’s not like we’re going steady,” Jeff replies. “We’re through!” Kelly says, and I can only assume that Kelly is also going to quit the job she so desperately needed just a few episodes ago.

Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa go off together so that Kelly can spend a few minutes “yelling in the ladies’ room.” Danielle and Mrs. Morris show up at the same time. Zack introduces his mom as his “young-looking older sister.” Mrs. Morris orders Zack, Slater, and Screech out to the car. They leave, and we’re left to wonder how Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa are going to get home.

To be honest, I kind of hate this episode. Jeff cheating on Kelly comes out of nowhere, and it’s totally against everything we’ve already learned about the character. Previously, the whole point of Jeff’s character was that he was a nice guy who didn’t intentionally set out to break up Zack and Kelly. In this episode, he’s suddenly a jerk.

That said, there are actually a few funny moments to be found, like Lisa trying to shove Zack away while he’s looking for Danielle. Slater’s loyalty to Jessie was actually pretty sweet, and even Screech was a bit less annoying than usual. It’s a well-done episode, even if it only exists to reset the Kelly/Zack relationship.

I just hope Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa were able to find a way home.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.7 “Check Your Mate”

Posted on September 26, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, Screech is actually good at something!

Episode 3.7 “Check Your Mate”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 5th, 1991)

Bayside has got chess fever! Screech Powers has advanced to the all-city chess finals, where he will be facing off against Valley High’s Russian exchange student Peter Breschnev (Matt Kaminsky), the grandson of a legendary player. Screech fears that he won’t have a chance but then he remembers that he never seems to lose as long as he’s wearing the lucky red beret that Violet purchased for him.

Around the same time that Zack and Slater place a bet on the outcome of chess match, Allison (Hillary Hayes) shows up. She says that she’s from a chess magazine and she wants to do a profile of Screech. She even invites Screech to the magazine’s mansion so that he can swim in the pawn-shaped pool. However, it turns out that Allison is actually a spy from Valley High and she’s been sent to sabotage Screech’s game. Allison steals his lucky beret. How can Screech win now!?

Usually, I can’t stand any episode that revolves around Screech and Violet but I have to admit that I do like this one. Yes, Dustin Diamond and Tori Spelling are just as bad as usual (and Diamond really goes overboard with the goofy faces in this one) but, luckily, Mark-Paul Gosselaar and Mario Lopez are also present and they do some of their best work in this episode. Zack and Slater, for instance, kidnap the Russian and tie him up in a broom closet. Zack then pretends to be the Russian and forfeits the match after making one move. Meanwhile, Slater reports on the match for Bayside’s radio station and he does so with just the right amount of earnest enthusiasm. (Jessie: “And now the Russian is hopping out onstage in his underwear!?” Slater: “What an exciting match so far!”) Slater knows nothing about chess but he does know that he wants to see “that commie” defeated. Amongst the guest stars, Hilary Hayes and Matt Kaminsky are perfectly cast and score some laughs of their own. (“I’ll see ya …. at the Galleria.”)

In this episode, Screech nearly loses Violet when he lets his chess fame go to his head. Violet forgives him but this would still be her final episode. I guess dating a chess jock wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.6 “Operation Zack”

Posted on September 19, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Zack injures his knee and has to go to the hospital! Hilarity ensues!

Episode 3.6 “Operation Zack”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 28th, 1991)

Along with being a track star, a radio announcer, a member of the student council, and the leader of Zack Attack, Zack Morris is also a star basketball player. Bayside’s basketball team has a big game coming up. They’re coached by a short person. That’s the joke. While rushing out of the dressing room for lay-up drills, Zack collides with Mr. Belding and somehow injures his knee. Screech rushes him to the hospital and, in a preview of what he would do to Mr. Belding on countless episodes of The New Class, Screech continually pushes the wheelchair-bound Zack into walls and desks, causing him to reinjure his knee. The show thinks it’s hilarious but I’ve injured my knee and my ankle before and I know how painful it is. Screech is a moron.

Lisa’s mother, Dr. Turtle (Susan Beaubian), says that Zack’s knee is going to require surgery. She says that it’s no big deal but everyone else acts as if Zack has been given a death sentence. “They’re going to hack Zack!” Zack says. He has a dream where he sees his own funeral. (Screech appears as his guardian angel.) Zack disguises himself as a doctor and tries to sneak out of the hospital. Dr. Turtle catches him. Lisa, who is volunteering as a candy striper, tells Zack that everything is going to be okay.

And everything is! The surgery is a success. Zack even survives Screech trying to turn on the television by using the bed’s remote control. And Mr. Belding does Zack’s homework for him. That makes no sense. How is that even allowed?

This episode was pretty dumb. That said, I did once watch it while I was actually in the hospital because I was recovering from an asthma attack and, at that time, it did cheer me up. Dumb as it is, the episode does get at a universal truth. Everyone hates going to the hospital.

Finally, this episode features one of Dustin Diamond’s worst performances. Screech is especially annoying here because, for once, his stupidity actually does hurt someone. Zack doesn’t need some doofus clumsily pushing his wheelchair while shouting, “Lady with a baby!” Whenever Screech caused Zack to bump into something, I felt shooting sympathy pains. Mark-Paul Gosselaar looked fairly annoyed whenever he had to share a scene with Dustin Diamond. In this case, I don’t blame him.

Next week, Screech plays chess and loses his lucky beret. What a dummy.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.5 “The Aftermath”

Posted on September 12, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

It’s the aftermath of Zack and Kelly’s break-up! Who will survive!?

Episode 3.5 “The Aftermath”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 21st, 1991)

Last week, Kelly got a job at The Max and developed a crush on her boss, Jeff (Patrick Muldoon). Zack and Kelly broke up at the school dance. Kelly asked Zack if they could still be friends. “Always,” Zack said.

It turns out that Zack was lying. This episode finds him bitter and obsessed. Screech and Slater take him out to the movies but — oh no! — Kelly and Jeff walk in. Jessie, Lisa, and Screech each set Zack up on a blind date. Zack goes out with Jessie’s fat friend and she eats all of his popcorn. Lisa’s friend is more interested in talking about the books of Jackie Collins than watching the movie. And Screech’s cousin turns out to be a perfectly nice and pretty blonde. (“She’s adopted,” Screech explains.)

Zack takes Screech’s cousin to The Max and dances with her… in front of Kelly! And they’re dancing to… A12 on the jukebox! “That’s Zack and Kelly’s song!” Screech says. Apparently, it’s a song that doesn’t have a title or much of a beat. “A12 is sacred!” Kelly says. “It was sacred until you dumped me for that jerk!” Zack says.

Now, I’m a bit torn here. Zack’s definitely in the wrong here, but is A12 actually sacred? I mean, it’s not mentioned in any other episode. And while Zack is definitely trying to make Kelly feel bad, Kelly is being pretty self-righteous for someone who didn’t break up with her boyfriend until after she kissed another guy. I guess my feeling is that sacred songs pretty much went out the window as soon as Kelly and Zack broke up.

Anyway, Screech’s cousin throws her milkshake on Zack.

Lisa’s Sweet Sixteen birthday party is approaching! Zack says he won’t come if Kelly and Jeff are invited. Lisa tells him that she’ll invite whoever she wants. At first, Zack refuses to go to the party, but then Screech has a heart-to-heart talk with him. Screech basically tells Zack that he’s being a whiny loser. Imagine what it must have been like to hear that from Screech, of all people.

Kelly and Jeff show up at the party. At first, Slater shows admirable loyalty to his friend Zack by giving Jeff the cold shoulder. Then Jeff mentions that he wrestled in high school. “Won my division a few times,” Jeff says. That’s all it takes for Slater to be like, “Zack who?”

Zack does come to the party. He apologizes for being a jerk. He tells Jeff to take care of Kelly. Zack tells us that he doesn’t know if he’ll ever get over Kelly. We’re left to wonder why he doesn’t just stop time if he’s so miserable…

This episode benefits from the presence of Patrick Muldoon, who makes Jeff into a likable “frat boy babe stealer.” It’s too bad that, in his next appearance, Jeff will have had a total personality transplant, because this episode actually made a pretty good point about the importance of accepting breakups and giving people a chance.

Oh well. That’s life at Bayside.