Retro Television Review: Baywatch 3.3 “Tequila Bay”

Posted on October 24, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, two new regulars join the cast.

Episode 3.3 “Tequila Bay”

(Dir by Lyndon Chubbuck, originally aired on September 27th, 1992)

Despite not having graduated from lifeguard school yet, Brody is given an undercover assignment by Mitch. Someone has been attacking surfers who try to surf the waters off Tequila Bay, and Brody is sent in to find out who is responsible.

Gee, who could it be? How about that gang of angry-looking teenagers standing on the rocks and glaring as Matt and another surfer, Jimmy Slade (Kelly Slater), greet each other in the water? It is pretty easy to see that the gang is trying to keep other surfers off “their” beach. What I find strange is that the gang consists of about seven people, but only two of them are carrying surfboards. What are the other five getting out of this?

As for Jimmy Slade, he is a philosophical surfer who thinks the water belongs to everyone. He lives in a van. He does not have a phone, but he does have a board, and his life is all about the waves. When he sees Brody paddling in the ocean, he greets him not as a potential rival but as a fellow surfer. And when the evil surf gang tries to run Brody and Slade off, Slade throws a few hard punches of his own.

Jimmy Slade is played by Kelly Slater, a professional surfer who joined Baywatch for its third season. In the Summerfest special, Slater said he joined the cast because he wanted to introduce surfing to the world. I have read a more recent interview in which he says he joined at the urging of his agent and regretted it almost immediately. Not only did fellow surfers give him a hard time about selling out, but Slater also read a script for an episode that featured a surfboard-stealing octopus.

And indeed, Slater gives a performance in this episode that suggests he had already figured out acting was not for him. He delivers his lines stiffly and without much personality. Slater himself abandoned acting after his time on Baywatch. He is a far better surfer than an actor.

Slade does agree to teach Summer how to surf, though the Tequila Bay gang again tries to ruin things by putting barbed wire in the ocean. Slade ends up with a few bad cuts, but it looks as if he will also get a girlfriend. As for the gang, they are arrested by Garner and Mitch.

Meanwhile, the new lieutenant shows up at Baywatch to replace the promoted Captain Thorpe. Mitch is stunned when his new boss turns out to be Stephanie Holden (Alexandra Paul), a woman with whom he once had a torrid affair. She broke his heart when she failed to meet him at Catalina. How badly did she hurt Mitch? Badly enough that he tells Ben he feels like Humphrey Bogart in Casablanca. Wow, Mitch. Overdramatic much?

Overdramatic is the word for David Hasselhoff in this episode. If the first two seasons featured Hasselhoff as an easygoing beach bum, this one features him as an angry, emotionally wounded ex-lover. Unfortunately, Hasselhoff is at his least convincing when he is playing anger. He comes across as petulant. Alexandra Paul may not play Stephanie with much depth, at least not in her first episode, but you still feel sorry for her, because Mitch is being such a jerk.

However, when Stephanie and Mitch work together on the beach to save a drowning man, Mitch realizes that Stephanie is good at her job. He has been asked to write a letter to Captain Thorpe about whether Stephanie should be assigned to Baywatch. Mitch writes that she should definitely be his boss. Could this mean love for Mitch? Let’s hope so!

This episode was way too overdramatic to be taken seriously. The Tequila Bay gang was made up of some of the least intimidating baddies ever to show up on Baywatch. Seriously: the ocean is for everyone.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 3.1 and 3.2 “River of No Return”

Posted on October 17, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, we start the third season!

Episodes 3.1 and 3.2 “River of No Return”

(Dir by Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on September 14th, 1992)

The third season of Baywatch begins with Mitch learning of the death of his uncle, an eccentric old prospector who always claimed that he was going to find gold. Mitch and Hobie decide to head to Northern California to investigate, and Eddie and Shauni agree to join them. For Eddie, it’s a chance to have one last adventure with Mitch before he heads off to Australia as part of the lifeguard exchange program. For Shauni, it’s a chance to reveal to Eddie that he knocked her up. For the show, it’s a chance to introduce CJ Parker (Pamela Anderson), a river guide who plays the saxophone and who gives good relationship advice.

Yes, this episode was Pamela Anderson’s first appearance on Baywatch. It turns out that, before she was a sax-playing river guide, CJ was a lifeguard, and Mitch would love it if she would return to the beach. Oddly, even though everyone already knows CJ, no one has ever mentioned her before. Considering that she was apparently a legendary lifeguard, you would think that she would have been mentioned in the past.

However, before CJ can return to the beach, she has to help Mitch and the gang find the gold mine that Mitch’s uncle found shortly before he died. Unfortunately, Drew (Bill McKinney) and Lonny (Mickey Jones), two no-good rednecks, also want to find the mine.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, Summer Quinn (Nicole Eggert) and her mother, Jackie (Susan Anton), have moved to Los Angeles to get away from Jackie’s abusive ex, Jed (Geoffrey Scott). Jed follows them but, fortunately, he’s put in his place by Matt Brody (David Charvet), a rich kid who is hoping to become a lifeguard. Like all of the other prospective lifeguards, Matt Brody is curious about “Bobby Quinn,” who is new to California and who was apparently a champion swimmer back in Pennsylvania. At the lifeguard try-out, Summer tells Matt that Summer is just a nickname and her first name is actually Roberta.

This two-part episode largely exists to introduce Pamela Anderson, Nicole Eggert, and David Charvet as regulars. All three of them do pretty well for their first episode. They all seem like they actually want to be there, which is quite a contrast to Billy Warlock and Erika Eleniak, both of whom have subsequently been pretty vocal about not being happy with the direction the show took during the second season. Of course, as soon as Eggert and Charvet show up, it’s easy to see that there’s no longer going to be room for Warlock and Eleniak. So, it’s not a shock when this episode ends with Shauni and Eddie marrying and leaving Baywatch.

This was a good way to start the season. Yes, the whole gold mine thing was a bit silly, but it gave David Hasselhoff a chance to do the earnest action hero thing, and it also introduces Pamela Anderson, who—in this episode at least—comes across as being surprisingly natural and down-to-earth in the role of CJ.

Next week, Matt goes undercover and meets even more new characters!

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 3.0 “Summerfest Special”

Posted on October 10, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

This week, the third of Baywatch begins with a special!

Episode 3.0: “Summerfest Special”

(Originally aired September 13, 1992)

“Hi, I’m David Hasselhoff, here to welcome you to the Summerfest special.”

The third season of Baywatch starts not with a story about Mitch Buchannon and his fellow lifeguards, but with a breezy special about the California lifestyle and what viewers can expect from the upcoming season. David Hasselhoff stands on the beach in his Baywatch uniform and earnestly talks about how important lifeguards are and how the show is all about celebrating their heroism.

“Life’s a beach,” Hasselhoff says, “and everyone’s life is at the beach.”

“We’ll be back with the latest in barely legal swimwear!” announcer Sean “Hollywood” Hamilton says as the special goes to commercial. Yes, that is the actual line.

In between shots of beachgoers in bikinis, the Summerfest Special features interviews with the cast members joining Baywatch in season 3. Susan Anton talks about being dramatically taller than her on-screen daughter, Nicole Eggert. David Charvet is introduced as “Baywatch’s newest bad boy.” Alexandra Paul says that maybe her character and Mitch will hook up, then laughs. Kelly Slater says that he’s not really an actor, but he joined the cast to show the world what “surfing is all about.” Pamela Anderson says that she’s looking forward to playing a “metaphysical character” because she’s very metaphysical herself. Gregory Alan Williams, who is being promoted to regular status in season 3, talks about saving a bystander during a riot because “I don’t like mobs.”

In between even more shots of beachgoers in bikinis, Hasselhoff talks about his music career and says that Baywatch is a show the entire family can watch. He adds, “Skimpy apparel is a part of the appeal.” This is followed by a montage of women in bikinis.

The Summerfest Special isn’t streaming on Tubi or Prime, but it is available on YouTube. The version I watched included all of the commercials that aired with the show. There weren’t any pharma commercials, which I appreciated. In America, we don’t really realize how bombarded we are with commercials for medicine with potentially deadly side effects until we get a chance to watch a complete broadcast from a time when no one in their right mind would think of advertising prescription medication on television.

Instead, I got a lot of commercials for local businesses and special musical compilation albums. There was a commercial for a Dodge dealership that bragged about how their vehicles came with airbags. In the middle of a commercial for a gospel album, a preacher said, “Who the hell left the gate open?” and everyone in the church cheered. A woman quit her job with confidence because of her Secret deodorant. “I’ll borrow my mother’s scarf,” a young woman who reminded me of myself declared, “but my mother’s tampons? No way!” A bunch of teen soccer players announced they’d rather drink “Sunny D” than “soda” or “purple stuff.” I’m from the South, so it always sounds weird to hear people refer to Coke as soda. It’s even weirder to see people preferring an orange drink to it.

If I seem to be spending a lot of time on the commercials, that’s because they felt like little mini time machines. Watching them was like taking a 30-second trip back to the early ’90s. As for the rest of the special, it was essentially a lengthy commercial for Baywatch and bikinis, but everyone interviewed seemed to be in a really good mood. They were having fun, and that’s the important thing.

Brad reviews KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS (1989), starring Charles Bronson!

Posted on June 29, 2026 by Bradley Crain

Back when I was a teenager, I would always get the entertainment section out of my dad’s Sunday paper so I could check out the movie listings. I was mainly looking for information about my favorite movie star, Charles Bronson. Nowadays, we know about new movies months, even years, in advance, but back then I would learn about them from the entertainment section of dad’s paper. One Sunday in early 1989, when I was 15 years old, I saw an advertisement for a new Bronson film called KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS. It was the first time I had ever heard of it. I knew I wasn’t going to get to see it at the movies because it was only playing in Little Rock, but I was excited anyway because it would be on its way to video soon!

In the film, Bronson plays police Lieutenant Crowe. Along with his partner Eddie Rios (Perry Lopez), he deals with the sleaziest criminals in Los Angeles on a daily basis and it’s starting to take a toll on his personal life. He’s currently invested in bringing down an underage prostitution ring led by Duke (Juan Fernandez) and Lavonne (Sy Richardson). When Japanese businessman Hiroshi Hada’s (James Pax) young daughter is kidnapped by Duke, Crowe decides he must do everything in his power to get her back to her family.

KINJITE reunites Bronson with director J. Lee Thompson for the ninth and final time, bringing to an end what I think is one of the more underrated actor-director partnerships of the action genre. Bronson had first worked with Thompson on the fun mystery film ST. IVES at the peak of his 70’s career. By 1989, Bronson was in his late sixties and understandably slowing down on the action front, but he still possessed that unmistakable presence on screen. He’s more invested in his performance as the prejudicial Lt. Crowe than he’s usually given credit for. There’s one specific scene where he goes off on a group of Japanese businessmen and women who are holding up traffic in front of a large hotel. It’s one of Bronson’s strongest scenes of the 1980’s as he yells various traffic code violations, and obscenities, at the surprised guests. It’s a bad moment for his character, but a well-acted moment for Bronson.

None of Bronson’s ‘80’s action films were based on stories about sunshine and roses, but the subject matter of KINJITE is particularly dark and ugly. Themes of child exploitation, human trafficking, sexual violence, and prejudice are all given screen time in a world that’s so corrupt that only someone as committed as Lt. Crowe is even capable of taking on the evil that’s presented here. Crowe is not necessarily a good man, and his sense of justice goes completely overboard at times. For example, in one scene where he catches a pervert preparing to commit an assortment of depraved sexual acts on a young prostitute (played by Nicole Eggert), Crowe says “I’m going to show you what it feels like to be one of these girls,” and we, along with his partner, hear the screams off-screen as he honors his word. In another scene, he makes the pimp Duke eat a giant Rolex watch, which prompts the trafficker to say, “I’m gonna die…” None too concerned about Duke’s health, Crowe casually tells him, “No you won’t, but you will have to stick your head between your legs to tell the time.” This is not a well-adjusted human being, but with all the evil acts being committed around him, you still can’t help but root for the guy.

The supporting cast around Bronson is quite good. Juan Fernandez is a standout as the despicable pimp, Duke. There’s something about Fernandez that just makes him great as a bad guy, as he had proved a few years earlier in the Oliver Stone film SALVADOR. His character here has this odd energy about him that oozes evil. Veteran character actor Perry Lopez, who had worked with Bronson going all the way back to the 1954 western DRUM BEAT, provides the aging icon a solid partner who helps smooth out his character’s roughest edges. Their scenes together are very strong because they feel like two weary detectives and old friends trying to deal with a world they’re both sick of.

While I think Bronson provides a good performance and that Thompson provides solid direction, I wouldn’t rank KINJITE among the star’s best 80’s films. It tries to juggle a lot of difficult themes and wants to comment on cultural differences, built-in prejudices, and sexual deviance, and it also wants to deliver the kind of action that audiences expected from Bronson’s Cannon films. It’s a well-made film, but the results aren’t completely effective because it can’t find the right balance between the serious dramatic themes and the expected action heroics. In the end, the events depicted on screen are too disturbing for the film to qualify as fun, escapist entertainment, but they’re not handled with enough depth for the film to make any sort of serious statement. The film ends up making you pretty darn uncomfortable, so I don’t revisit it as often as I do other Bronson / Thompson collaborations like 10 TO MIDNIGHT and MURPHY’S LAW.

Based on the dark subject matter I’ve described above, I can’t give KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS an unreserved recommendation like I do so many other Bronson films. But as the final collaboration between Bronson and J. Lee Thompson, it does carry a certain historical significance. And for fans interested in seeing the darker side of Bronson’s film career, it remains a memorable, and unsettling, final chapter in one of action cinema’s most enduring partnerships.

Lifetime Film Review: I Was A Child Bride: The Courtney Stodden Review (dir by D’Angelo Proctor)

Posted on December 26, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

In 2011, the news broke that 51 year-old Doug Hutchinson had married 16 year-old Courtney Stodden. I can still remember my initial reaction.

“Who?”

Though the stories all made Doug Hutchinson out to be a some sort of household name, I wasn’t sure who he was. This was despite the fact that I had seen The Green Mile and Lost and a few other shows in which he had roles. With the exception of The Green Mile‘s Percy Wetmore, the majority of Hutchinson’s roles were small and he never made enough of an impression for me to really remember him. Doug Hutchinson was not a big star and yet, all of the initial stories about his marriage to Courtney focused on Doug and not on the 16 year-old girl that he had married. The stories often mentioned that Courtney was blonde and a few found an excuse to list her measurements but few really seemed to give much thought to how a 16 year-old ends up married to a 51 year-old. Courtney’s mother was often portrayed as being the ultimate stage mom, pushing her daughter into marrying an older man out of a belief that it would help her career (as if Doug Hutchinson was some sort of power player as opposed to being an occasionally employed character actor).

Today, it’s fashionable for everyone to claim that they were outraged from the moment that they heard about the Hutchinson/Stodden marriage. At the time the story came out, though, most people treated it as just another bit of a salacious gossip from “Hollyweird.” Doug and Courtney appeared on reality shows, including quite a few that featured them getting marriage counseling while the cameras rolled. If Doug was usually portrayed as being an old lech, Courtney was often portrayed as being a young gold digger. (Again, the fact that Doug Hutchinson was hardly a star rarely seemed to factor into these portrayals. He was an actor who had co-starred with Tom Hanks and hence, people assumed he had money.) It’s only now, with the marriage over, that people have really started to acknowledge that Courtney Stodden was a victim of both Doug Hutchinson’s grooming and the world’s tabloid culture.

Lifetime’s I Was A Child Bride: The Courtney Stodden Story dramatizes the story of Courtney’s life and her marriage to Dough Hutchinson. The film was produced by Stodden and she also provides the narration, commenting on what’s happening onscreen and trying to explain what was going through her head at the time. In the dramatization, she’s played by Holly J. Barrett while Doug Hutchinson is played, to creepy perfection, by Doug Savant. Maggie Lawson plays Krista Stoddard, Courtney’s mother. The film follows Courtney as she goes from being pushed into stardom by her mother to then being ordered to give up her career by Doug. When the story of Doug and Courtney’s marriage comes out, Doug mourns that his career is over while Krista excitedly pulls up every online story. When Courtney points out that most of the stories are bad, Krista chirps that all publicity is good publicity. (The film implies that Krista is the one who leaked the details of Courtney and Doug’s marriage to the press.) Soon, teenage Courtney is the breadwinner for both her 51 year-old husband and her mother.

The film is ultimately effective, even if it’s sometimes just as salacious as the tabloids that the movie criticizes. I was proud of Courtney for having finally broken free from Doug. That said, the story leaves quite a few unanswered questions, especially about the extent of the role that Krista played in Doug and Courtney getting married. Parents are always told to be aware of who their children are talking to online. But what do you do when the parents know and just don’t care?

#MondayMuggers presents KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS (1989) starring Charles Bronson!

Posted on February 10, 2025 by Bradley Crain

Every Monday night at 9:00 Central Time, my wife Sierra and I host a “Live Movie Tweet” event on X using the hashtag #MondayMuggers. We rotate movie picks each week, and our tastes are quite different. Tonight, Monday February 10th, we’re watching KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS starring Charles Bronson!

Back when I was a teenager, I would always get the entertainment section out of dad’s Sunday paper so I could check out the movie listings and see if there was a new movie I wanted to see. I would also look for information about my favorite movie star, Charles Bronson. Nowadays, we know about new movies months, even years, in advance, but back then I would first learn about them from the entertainment section of dad’s paper. I remember one Sunday in early 1989, seeing an advertisement for a new Charles Bronson film called KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS. It was the first time I had ever heard of the film. I knew I wasn’t going to get to see it at the movies because it was only playing in Little Rock, and it was rated R, but I was excited anyway because I knew it would be on its way to video pretty soon!

In KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS, Charles Bronson plays police lieutenant Crowe. He deals with the sleaziest criminals in Los Angeles on a daily basis and it’s starting to take a toll on his personal life. He’s currently personally invested in bringing down an underage prostitution ring led by Duke (Juan Fernandez) and Lavonne (Sy Richardson). When a Japanese businessman’s young daughter is kidnapped by Duke, Crowe decides he must do everything in his power to get her back to her family.

Here is some interesting trivia about the film:

Beginning with DEATH WISH II (1982) Charles Bronson made 8 films for the infamous Cannon Group. KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS was the last of those films. The others are 10 TO MIDNIGHT (1983), DEATH WISH 3 (1985), MURPHY’S LAW (1986), ASSASSINATION (1987), DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN (1987), and MESSENGER OF DEATH (1988).
Director J. Lee Thompson directed Charles Bronson in 9 different films, with KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS being the final film he ever directed. Charles Bronson loved working with the same directors once he got comfortable with them. Thompson, who directed classics like THE GUNS OF NAVARONE (1961) and CAPE FEAR (1962), always made sure Bronson’s low budget Cannon films were filmed in a competent and professional manner.
Nicole Eggert plays a teen prostitute in this film and Amy Hathaway plays Charles Bronson’s daughter. Both were appearing in popular sitcoms at the time. Eggert was starring in CHARLES IN CHARGE and Hathaway was in MY TWO DADS.
The bad guy in the film is played by Juan Fernandez. He’s played some great villains in his day. Actor James Woods told me this about Juan, “The irony is that Juan Fernandez is one of the nicest actors I’ve ever worked with, and yet one of the most truly frightening villains. His work in SALVADOR was superb. A lovely, talented man.”
Perry Lopez, who plays Bronson’s partner in the film had worked with Bronson twice before. He appeared with Bronson in the excellent 1954 western DRUM BEAT, and also in 1987’s DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN.

So join us tonight to for #MondayMuggers and watch KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS! It’s on Amazon Prime.

I’ve included the trailer below:

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 5.15 “The Case Against Mr. Roarke/Save Sherlock Holmes”

Posted on October 29, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, Mr. Roarke might be a father!

Episode 5.15 “The Case Against Mr. Roarke/Save Sherlock Holmes”

(Dir by Don Weis, originally aired on February 6th, 1982)

After last week’s episode with Julie, Tattoo returns this week and Julie is nowhere to be seen. When Mr. Roarke asks where Julie is, Tattoo mentions that Julie is helping with the Custer’s Last Stand fantasy. At this point, I can only assume that a life insurance policy has been taking out on Julie and Roarke or Tattoo, or maybe both are trying to get her killed so they can collect.

Julie not being present means that she misses out on one of the biggest scandals in Fantasy Island history. A former guest, Fran Warner (Laraine Stephens), returns to the Island after seven years. Accompanying her is her six year-old daughter, Nancy (Nicole Eggert). Fran loudly declares that Mr. Roarke is Nancy’s father and that he now has an obligation to take care of her. Fran even has a birth certificate where, under the father’s name, someone has written — and I kid you not — “Mr. Roarke.”

Is Mr. Roarke the kid’s father? As is his habit, he refuses to answer the question directly when Tattoo asks it. But it soon turns out that no, Mr. Roarke is not Nancy’s father. Instead, Fran is sick and may be dying and she wants to make sure that Nancy is cared for. When Nancy learns the truth, she runs away and Tattoo leads a search party across the Island. Fear not, of course. Nancy is found and a very forgiving Mr. Roarke allows Nancy and Fran to stay on the Island. And Fran’s terminal disease suddenly becomes less terminal!

While this is going on, security guard Kevin Lansing (Ron Ely) gets to live his fantasy of helping a great detective. Kevin doesn’t care which detective he gets to help so Roarke sends him back to Victorian-era London so that Kevin can work with Dr. Watson (a charming Donald O’Connor) to save Sherlock Holmes (Peter Lawford, not looking well in one of his final performances) from the clutches of Moriarty (Mel Ferrer, being as sinister here as he was in countless giallo films). Kevin also falls for Nurse Heavenly (RIta Jenrette, the wife of a corrupt Democrat member of Congress) and is pleased to discover that she’s not really Moriarty’s assistant. Instead, she was just another guest on the Island having a fantasy.

The Sherlock Holmes story was silly but fun, in the way that Fantasy Island often is. It’s always interesting when this show goes into the past and we get to see how the show’s crew dressed up the show’s sets to try to make them look historically accurate. The same street appears in every episode but sometimes, that street is in 1890s London and sometimes, it’s in 1690s Salem and sometimes, it’s just in modern day Fantasy Island! As for the Mr. Roarke’s a father storyline, it was predictable but still, it was a good showcase for Ricardo Montalban’s enigmatic interpretation of Mr. Roarke.

This was a pleasant trip to the Island!

Guilty Pleasure No. 71: Submerged (dir by Fred Olen Ray)

Posted on October 1, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

THUNDERSTRIKE!

Listen, if you’re going to watch the 2000 film Submerged, you better be a big fan of the term “Thunderstrike,” because it’s repeated so many times that one gets the feeling that the actors just loved saying it.

Thunderstrike is a satellite that was built by western businessman Buck Stevens (Dennis Weaver). He and his daughter (Nicole Eggert) and her sort-of boyfriend (Hannes Jaenicke) are all flying to Hawaii so that they can conduct more tests on the Thunderstrike. However, arms dealer Owen Cantrell (Tim Thomerson) wants the Thunderstrike for himself so he sends a mercenary named Jeff Cort (Coolio. Yes, Coolio.) to steal the plans from the airplane. The plan is to kill the pilot, substitute a new pilot, and then crash the plane into the ocean …. which is pretty much what happens, despite the best efforts of heroic CIA agent, Rex Manning (Maxwell Caulfield).

Actually, wait a minute. Maxwell Caulfield’s character is named Jim Carpenter. Well, I don’t care. He’ll always be Rex Manning to me!

While Special Agent Mack Taylor (Brent Huff) tries to stop Cantrell from stealing the Thunderstrike, Captain Masters (Fred Williamson) tries to figure out a way to bring the plane to the surface.

If this sound familiar, it’s because Submerged has the same plot as Airport ’77.

If it looks familiar, it’s because Submerged lifts a lot of footage from Airport ’77, including the scene where the plane crashes, the scene where the plane settles on the ocean floor, and the scene where the plane is lifted off the ocean floor. Even a scene of water pouring into plane is lifted from Airport ’77, which means that the plane in Submerged suddenly has a staircase that no one apparently noticed before.

Submerged was directed by the wonderful Fred Olen Ray and seriously, how can you not love it? Between the cast and the fact that it features all of the best parts of Airport ’77, this is a film for which the term guilty Ppeasure was invented! It helps that the cast, for whatever reason, appears to be taking the film rather seriously. This film was Dennis Weaver’s final screen appearance and he seems to be having a ball playing a cheerful good old boy who can’t wait to put a dangerous satellite in the sky.

Plus, the film features Rex Manning!

Plus, Jack Deth!

Plus, Black Caesar!

Plus …. THUNDERSTRIKE!

Previous Guilty Pleasures

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 4.16 “Chorus Girl/Surrogate Father”

Posted on March 12, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

This week, Mr. Roarke is almost too clever for his own good.

Episode 4.16 “Chorus Girl/Surrogate Father”

(Dir by Richard Benedict, originally aired on February 21st, 1981)

Weird episode, this week.

Our first story features John Saxon, playing the role of Evan Watkins. Evan is a compulsive gambler and his fantasy is to make one huge score. Accompanying Evan is his young daughter, Amy (Nicole Eggert). Her fantasy is for Evan to give up gambling and start acting like a real father. On the Island, Evan and Amy meet Margo (Rosemary Forsyth), a social worker whose fantasy is to really make a difference in the life of someone who is in trouble. Basically, Mr. Roarke takes all three fantasies and just crams them together.

So, Evan does win big but then some gangsters show up, searching for him. And Amy does get her wish but not before Evan nearly abandons his family. And Margo, after some initial hesitation, falls in love with Evan and leaves the Island with him and Amy. It all works out but it still seems dangerous to mix together a bunch of fantasies like that. If one thing had gone wrong, Roarke would have been left with three unhappy customers instead of just one.

This fantasy was pretty predictable but it did give Herve Villechaize a chance to actually do something more than just stand around and ask Mr. Roarke questions. The scene where Tattoo comforts Amy by explaining that her father may be a man on the outside but is still just a scared child on the inside was wonderfully acted by Villechaize and rather sweet. Villechaize was notoriously difficult on the set of Fantasy Island and was reportedly always on the verge of being fired for his behavior but, in this scene, he demonstrates why he was so important to the show. Mr. Roarke may be the owner of Fantasy Island but Tattoo is the heart.

The second fantasy is kind of creepy. Sheila Richards (Lisa Hartman) has been deaf since birth. She was raised by Franklin Adams (Stuart Whitman), who taught her how to dance. Unfortunately, Sheila can only dance by watching Franklin’s hand signals. Franklin’s fantasy is for Sheila to be able to hear for a weekend so she can audition for a world-famous choreographer. Franklin also wants to tell Sheila that he’s in love with her.

There’s a few problems here. Franklin is in his 50s while Sheila is in her 20s and has basically been dependent on him for her entire life. Franklin wants Sheila to hear him when he says, “I love you!” but he also goes to the Island with the knowledge that, at the end of the weekend, Sheila will again lose her hearing. It seems a bit cruel on Franklin’s part to put Sheila through all that when 1) he knows sign language and 2) Sheila can read lips. There’s nothing stopping Franklin from telling her how he feels.

The other problem is that the episode doesn’t seem to understand that there are many dancers who are hearing-impaired. Because they learn the choreography and can feel the vibrations of the music, they are fully capable of dancing without being dependent on someone signing to the them from the audience. One does not need to hear the music to be able to dance to it. Instead, one just has to be able to keep time and remember the choreography.

Anyway, as you can probably guess, Sheila falls in love with the world-famous choreographer, leaving Franklin heart-broken. However, at the end of the episode, Mr. Roarke introduces Franklin to a teenage girl who lives on the Island. Roarke explains that she’s deaf and asks Franklin to look after her while she goes to school in New York. Franklin agrees with a quickness that is a bit …. icky.

This whole fantasy felt like a mess, from Franklin’s oddly-conceived fantasy to the fact that Lisa Hartman was in no way convincing as someone who can’t hear. Whether Sheila can hear or not, the one thing that remains consistent is Hartman’s overacting. Even the usually reliable Ricardo Montalban seems to be annoyed by the whole fantasy.

This was a weird trip to the Island. What will next week’s journey reveal?

The Demolitionist (1995, directed by Robert Kurtzman)

Posted on October 23, 2023 by Jedadiah Leland

In the future, America is overrun by crime. Mad Dog Burne (Richard Grieco) and his brother, Little Henry (Randy Vasquez) escape from California death row. Mayor Eleanor Grimbaum (Susan Tyrell) wants the Burne brothers captured and she wants to be able to show the voters that she’s tough on crime. When brave police officer Alyssa Lloyd (Nicole Eggert) is killed by Mad Dog Burne’s gang, she is brought back to life in cyborg form by Prof. Crowley (Bruce Abbott) and, after a training montage, she is let loose on the streets as a police-backed vigiliante.

The Demolitionist owes an obvious debt to Robocop, with Nicole Eggert miscast as an expressionless cyborg who launches a one-woman/one-machine war on crime. The main problem is that The Demolitionist has none of Robocop‘s wit or its subversive subtext. Nicole Eggert is no substitute for Peter Weller and Richard Grieco is no Kurtwood Smith. “Booker’s a good cop!” I said whenever Grieco showed up.

The only interesting this is about the cast, which is full of horror veterans. Jack Nance plays the prison priest who counsels the Burne brothers before they escape their scheduled executions. Reggie Bannister plays the warden. Sarah Douglas plays a surgeon. Joseph Pilato is one of Mad Dog’s followers. And playing Mad Dog’s second-in-command is none other than Tom Savini. Finally, the city’s most popular journalist is played by Heather Langenkamp!

The Demolitionist demolishes almost the entire town but she still can’t come up with any way to make this stale Robocop rip-off feel fresh.