Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.17 “The Chamber”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Mitch gets the bends (snicker)!

Episode 2.17 “The Chamber”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonann, originally aired on March 2nd, 1992)

Mitch has a lot to think about. Summer is nearly over, and Gayle wants Hobie to return to Ohio for school. Craig, now living in Connecticut, sends Mitch a letter offering to help him get a job as a salesman. It would mean more money, but also a lot of traveling — and no more lifeguarding.

Mitch takes to the ocean in a kayak to clear his head. When he comes across a panicked boy on a boat, he learns that the boy’s father was scuba diving and is trapped 90 feet underwater. Mitch free-dives to free the father. Both men reach the surface, but they’ve both got …. THE BENDS!

The bends may have a silly name, but it’s a real condition, and it can be fatal. Because the father is in worse shape, he goes into the decompression chamber first. Mitch isn’t doing well either, so Baywatch rushes him back to the mainland and puts him in their own chamber. Then everyone waits for Mitch to recover.

And Mitch has flashbacks. Flashback after flashback. That’s right: this is a clip show. This is Baywatch at its cheapest. This is Baywatch showing clips that featured a totally different actor playing Hobie. Eventually, once the show runs out of clips, Mitch has a brief out-of-body experience — and then he wakes up.

This is Baywatch at its silliest, but it’s also David Hasselhoff at his most earnest. Say what you will about the show, Hasselhoff always seemed to take it very seriously. Or at least he did until Baywatch Hawaii. Luckily, that’s several seasons away.

Clip shows always feel like a wasted episode, but they’re also incredibly easy to review. This episode has that going for it.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.16 “Sea of Flames”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, a floating drug lab means trouble!

Episode 2.16 “Sea of Flames”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonnan and Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on February 17th, 1992)

Hobie has a nightmare in which he sees Mitch floating in the ocean and looking confused as a speedboat roars up behind him. “BEHIND YOU, DAD!” Hobie yells right before waking up.

Mitch says that the bad dream is no big deal, but Hobie is convinced that he’s seen the future. Mitch laughs off Hobie’s concerns. Mitch is more worried about convincing the city council to approve a funding increase so the lifeguards can buy some supercool wave runners.

Mitch should be worried about Eddie, who is such a terrible lifeguard that he doesn’t even notice that Scorch (Devino Tricoche) is wandering around the beach and setting fires. Scorch is a street performer who eats fire as part of his act. But after he gets a batch of bad designer drugs, he sets Eddie’s lifeguard tower on fire. Even though Eddie is sitting in the tower at the time, he doesn’t notice the flames until it’s nearly too late. After jumping off the tower in slow motion, Eddie drags Scorch to safety. “Sumo! Sumo! Sumo!” Scorch says.

Hey, there’s a boat called Sumo that’s docked in the harbor. Could it be a floating drug lab? Of course it is! When the drug dealers decide to sail away, Mitch gets a chance to show off on a wave runner! But when Mitch falls off the wave runner, he finds himself stranded in the ocean. Uh-oh, there’s a speedboat coming up behind him!

Hobie’s ghostly voice rings out: “BEHIND YOU, DAD!”

Mitch ducks out of the way just in time. OH MY GOD, HOBIE IS MAGIC!

While Mitch is busy capturing the drug dealers, Ben is once again depressed over getting old. When he investigates a house that has supposedly been empty for decades, he meets the actress (Constance Towers) who once lived there. Back when he was a young lifeguard, Ben had a crush on her. When she invites him into the house, he discovers that she has a framed picture of him that she took when he was young and standing on his lifeguard tower. She had a crush on him as well, but back then, dating a lifeguard would have led to a career-ending scandal. And now they’re both old, so what can anyone do? Oh well. Sorry, Ben, your life sucks.

But Mitch’s life is great! At the end of the episode, he thanks Hobie for having his nightmare. Hobie says he also had a dream where Mitch got married. “Blonde or brunette?” Mitch asks.

This was another silly episode of Baywatch, but as we all know, this series is at its most entertaining when it’s silly. As usual, Hasselhoff delivers even the most ludicrous of lines with an earnestness that is actually kind of charming in its own weird way. Ben’s storyline was kind of sad, but since the only reason Ben is on this show is to show that getting older sucks, it’s to be expected.

The important thing is that Mitch gets his wave runners and the ocean is now a safer place.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.15 “Big Monday”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Mitch and Hobie are scared!

Episode 2.15 “Big Monday”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonnan, originally aired on February 10th, 1992)

Hobie has a problem.  A huge tropical wave is scheduled to hit the beach on Monday and all of his friends are looking forward to surfing it.  His friends all say that Hobie is “chicken” because he won’t take the big waves.  Hobie goes to Shauni for advice.  Shauni offers to help him learn how to be a better surfer.  Hobie wonders why he can’t be more like his dad.  Mitch isn’t scared of anything.

Actually, Mitch is terrified of that big wave.  Every time that someone mentions it, Mitch flashes back to watching a friend get washed away by a giant wave in 1961.  With a new wave approaching, Mitch is scared that the same thing will happen again.  Luckily, a visiting Hawaiian surfer just happens to be around to give Mitch an enchanted necklace.

Kaye, Mitch’s little-seen girlfriend, befriends a deaf girl on the beach.  She tries to convince the girl’s mother to allow her to enroll Kaye in a sign language class.  The girl’s mother is scared that her daughter will always be an outsider unless she learns how to read lips.  (One of the teachers at the school is played by future Oscar nominee Paul Raci.)

Will Hobie prove that he can handle the waves?

Will Mitch overcome his guilt over his friend’s death?

Will Kaye convince the mother to enroll her daughter in sign language class?

Yes, yes, and yes.  This is Baywatch.  Other than that lifeguard getting killed by a shark, there are no unhappy endings.

As for this episode, I’ll give it some credit for having one unifying theme.  All of the stories are connected by the theme of conquering your fears.  Actually having a narrative theme is definitely a step forward for this show.  That said, it’s still Baywatch.  Everything happens a bit too easily in this episode.  Yes, this episode says, fear is real.  But, if you stick around for 40 minute, your fears will magically disappear in time for the end credits to roll.

This was a silly episode but at least its heart was in the right place.

 

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.14 “War of Nerves”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, some people stand in the darkness, afraid to move into the light.

Episode 2.14 “War of Nerves”

(Dir by Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on February 3rd, 1992)

Drug lord Mason Sato (Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa) has just gotten out of prison and he wants revenge of Mitch.  For reasons that aren’t really explained beyond a shot of a newspaper headline that reads, “Hero Lifeguard Helps Police Take Down Drug Lord,” Mason blames Mitch for his arrest,  Do lifeguards make arrests?

Mason stalks Mitch, Hobie, and Mitch’s girlfriend, Kaye (Pamela Bach).  At first, Mitch doesn’t tell either Hobie or Kaye what’s going on.  But when Mason asks Hobie to teach him how to use a boogie board, Mitch loses it and punches Mason out.  Mason later kidnaps both Hobie and Kaye.  This leads to a fight in an abandoned warehouse.  Once the fight moves into the ocean, Mason nearly drowns but Mitch saves his life so he can go back to prison.

Meanwhile, Shauni asks Ben to teacher her how to surf.  We never actually see Ben teaching her anything but we do get a lengthy montage as Ben remembers his days as a surfing lifeguard.  Myself, I’m wondering how Ben, who we’ve been told can no longer swim because of a leg injury, suddenly stops limping in this episode.

Cary-Hiroyuki Tagawa was a magnetic villain but otherwise, this was Baywatch at its cheapest.  The plot was by-the-book and it mostly seemed to exist so that Hasselhoff could play the action hero.  This episode felt like a dry run for the first, non-supernatural season of Baywatch Nights.  How many lifelong enemies has Mitch managed to make?

The life of the lifeguard is a dangerous one.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.13 “Now Sit Right Back And You’ll Hear A Tale”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Eddie suffers a serious injury.

A quick note, before we begin: this episode was actually the 16th episode to air during the second season but apparently, it was originally meant to be the 13th episode and, in reruns, it usually airs after the Reunion episode.  I’ve decided to go with the production order for the purpose of these reviews.  Of course, it really doesn’t matter because it’s not like Baywatch had any use for continuity to begin with.

Episode 2.13 “Now Sit Right Back and You’ll Hear a Tale”

(Dir by Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on February 24th, 1992)

After rescuing a jet skier who ran out of fuel in the middle of the ocean, Eddie and Shauni discover a previously unchartered island.  (Or, at least, that’s what we’re told.  The beach that Eddie and Shauni explore is obviously the same beach from last week’s Reunion episode.)  On the beach, they find Gilligan (Bob Denver) and Mary Ann (Dawn Wells), who have been stranded on the island ever since the 60s.  Eddie and Shauni take them back to civilization.

Captain Thorpe is so impressed with Gilligan and Mary Ann’s story that he decides that he’s going to start his own media company and produce a miniseries about their life on the Island.  He also thinks that it would be a good idea to go back to the island and rescue the other castaways.  (Gee, you think?)  He arranges for a three-hour expedition to the island.  Garner will serve as the skipper.  Eddie will be the first mate.  Harvey is coming along as a professor, for some reason.  Shauni wants to star in the miniseries so she decides to dress up like a movie star and come on the tour as well.

Uh-oh, there’s a storm!  Everyone ends up washed up on the island.  Eddie finds himself torn between Mary Ann and Shauni but then he realizes that Gilligan is the one who truly loves Mary Ann….

No, I’m not making this up.  Stop it, I swear I’m not.

Eventually, Eddie wakes up in Baywatch Headquarters.  It turns out that he slipped and hit his head earlier and the entire episode has been a dream.  (Shocker!)  It sound like Eddie probably has a severe concussion but no one seems to be too concerned about that.

Hasselhoff appears for a few minutes at the start and the end of the episode.  Apparently, he knew better than to board the boat.

Oh God, this episode.  Well, actually, this episode makes sense once you learn that Douglas Schwartz (who both directed this week and also served as executive producer of the show) was the nephew of Sherwood Schwartz, the producer of Gilligan’s Island.  It’s a silly episode but Baywatch is a silly show so that’s to be expected.  The episode’s main mistake is that it opens with Eddie watching an episode of Gilligan’s Island and then it shows us Eddie slipping and hitting his head.  As a result, we pretty much know the whole episode is a dream from the start and we spend the entire episode waiting for Eddie to wake up.  It’s kind of boring.

Next week …. oh, who knows?  I’m sure it’ll be something involving a lot of slow motion running on the beach.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.12 “Reunion”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Mitch goes to his high school reunion!

Episode 2.12 “Reunion”

(Dir by Gus Trikonis, originally aired on January 27th, 1992)

Mitch gets laid.

That’s pretty much the plot of this incredibly simple episode.

It’s time for Mitch’s 20-year high school reunion but he doesn’t want to go because he’s worried about seeing his ex-wife, Gayle (Wendie Malick).  However, at the last moment, Mitch suddenly does decide to go.  He meets up with Gayle, who is wearing a blue dress that is simply to die for.  With Gayle’s help, Mitch also rescues the class bully (Tim Rossovich) after two former high school outcasts (Tom Villard and Glenn Morshower) bury him in the sand just as the tide starts to come in.  And then Mitch and Gayle go back to the Buchanan house and do it like it’s prom night.

Fortunately, Hobie is gone for the weekend.  (It’s kind of funny how Hobie is always off with relatives or friends whenever Mitch needs the house to himself.)  I will say that, as a child of divorce, there’s nothing more painful than thinking your parents are going to get back together just because one of them was still in the house when you woke up in the morning.  Hobie is spared the trauma of Mitch and Gaye’s post-reunion hook-up.

Mitch, however, is disappointed to learn that Gayle has a boyfriend and that she’s going to be marrying him.  The only reason Gayle went to the reunion was to work out her feelings about Mitch.  Hasselhoff handles the revelation with his trademark emotional earnestness.  Left unmentioned is the fact that having sex with Mitch apparently convinced Gayle that she should marry the other guy.

Finally, someone left a baby in Eddie’s lifeguard station.  Eddie and Shauni looked after it for the weekend.  This led to a lot of, “Wow, sometimes babies smell bad,” humor.  In the end, the baby’s father shows up to get the baby but it turns out that he doesn’t actually have custody and that his ex-wife left the baby at the lifeguard station specifically to keep her safe from him.  Obviously, this couple has issues that will not be resolved by a high school reunion hook-up.

Even by the standards of Baywatch, this was a remarkably empty episode.  Between Mitch quickly getting over the fact that Gayle is getting remarried and Eddie and Shauni taking care of a random baby, it was hard to escape the feeling that nothing really matters on this show.  There are no real consequences to anyone’s actions.  No one has any sort of emotional conflict that can’t be solved with a musical montage.  Eddie and Shauni end the episode thinking about what it would like to be parents.  They’ll be over it in a week.

Baywatch was a show where nothing really mattered and that’s probably why it was so popular.

 

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.11 “If Looks Could Kill”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Mitch is in trouble.

Episode 2.11 “If Looks Could Kill”

(Dir by Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on November 25th, 1991)

Mitch rescues Allison (Shannon Tweed) after her car crashes into the ocean.  Mitch quickly falls in love and Allison seems to fall for Mitch.  What Mitch doesn’t know is that Allison is actually a murderer and that she’s just using him to try to find the money that was in her car when it crashed.  For once, Eddie is the one who suspects the truth and who has to keep Mitch from being killed by someone who he trusts.

Baywatch occasionally did crime-related episodes and they always felt out of place.  This episode opens with Allison drowning her latest lover and it’s actually a rather disturbing sequence.  It’s effective but it doesn’t feel right for a show in which the main appeal is the fact that everything is lightweight and easy-going.

I imagine David Hasselhoff enjoyed episodes like this, if just because nearly every episode during the first season of Baywatch Nights was exactly like this one.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special David Hasselhoff Edition


4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking.

It’s the Hoff’s birthday!  That means that it is time for….

4 Shots From 4 David Hasselhoff Films

Starcrash (1978, dir by Luigi Cozzi, DP: Paul Beeson and Roberto D’Ettorre Piazzoli)

Witchery (1988, dir by Fabrizio Laurenti, DP: Gianlorenzo Battaglia)

Panic At Malibu Pier (1989, dir by Richard Compton, DP: John McPherson)

Nick Fury: Agent of SHIELD (1998, dir by Rod Hardy, DP: James Bartle)