As I watched Part 9 of Twin Peaks on Showtime tonight, it occurred to me that there really are only two types of people in the world.

There are people who love Twin Peaks.

And there are people who hate Twin Peaks and therefore, really don’t matter.

The problem is that, despite not being that important, that second group of people tends to be very vocal.  They really want you to know how much they hate Twin Peaks.  It’s funny to listen to them because you can tell that they think they’re being truth tellers.  They think that they — and they alone — have the guts to admit the truth about Twin Peaks.

They remind me of this idiot who was in a Literature class that I took at the University of North Texas.  Not only did she loudly announce that she would not be reading Lolita but she also said, “Would anyone actually read this book if this class didn’t force them to!?”

(She really seemed to think she was the first person to ever ask that very simple-minded question.)

Seriously, some people are so fucking stupid.  Fortunately, for the rest of us, there was a new episode of Twin Peaks tonight!  Here’s what happened!

Things open in the present day.  We are no longer in 1956 and, I have to admit, I was kind of relieved to see that.  As much as I loved and was intrigued by Part 8, there was also a part of me that was worried that Lynch would spent the next 4 episodes following the Woodsman around as he asked random people, “Got a light?”

(Make no mistake.  If Lynch had gone in that direction, I would have happily watched all four of those episodes.  Though I may not always understand his intentions, I have total faith in Lynch as an artist.)

Doppelganger Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) walks down a country road, still covered in blood.  He spots a red bandana sitting on a fence post and, with a look of disgust on his face, snatches it.

Above South Dakota, Gordon (David Lynch), Tammy (Chrysta Bell), Albert (Miguel Ferrer), and Diane (Laura Dern) sit on a plane.  Albert and Diane sleep.  Gordon talks on the phone with Colonel Davis, while Tammy listens.  Davis tells Gordon that the body (if not the head) of Major Garland Briggs has been found in Buckhorn.

“I don’t appreciate your language at all!” Gordon shouts back.

No, Gordon — BUCKhorn!

(It’s a corny joke, to be honest.  But, as an actor, David Lynch sells the Hell out of it.  There’s something undeniably charming about how much fun Lynch seems to be having in the role of Gordon Cole.)

Back on the ground, Doppelganger Cooper meets two of his associates, Chantel (Jennifer Jason Leigh, returning for the first time since Part Two) and Gary “Hutch” Hutchens (Tim Roth!).  They have apparently commandeered a farm.  Gary tells Doppelganger Cooper that the farm’s owners are “out back.  Sleepin’.”

Meanwhile, back on the plane, Gordon tells Diane that they’re making a stop in Buckhorn, South Dakota.  “Fuck you!” Diane replies, “I want to go home.”  However, Gordon reveals that it’s a blue rose case.

While Gordon is explaining to the pilot that they’ll be making an unscheduled stop, he gets a call from Warden Murphy (James Morrison.)

“Cooper flew the coop!” Gordon announces and, again, Lynch delivers it with such unapologetic gusto that you can’t help but love both the director and the character.

Back at the farm, Chantel and Doppelganger Cooper walk around back and we see an old couple laying dead on the ground.  As Chantel watches, Doppelganger puts in a call to Duncan Todd (Patrick Fischler) in Las Vegas.  He asks if Dougie is dead.  When Todd replies, “Not yet,” Doppelganger tells him, “It better be done the next time I call.”

Hutch brings the Doppelganger a rifle and a box of bullets.  The Doppelganger tells Hutch that he wants the Warden dead within the next two days and then he has a “double header for you in Las Vegas.”  Hutch then tells Chantel, who is apparently his wife, to “give the bossman a wet one.”  Doppelganger and Chantel share a passionate kiss.

(What’s interesting is that the Doppelganger actually seems to sincerely like both Hutch and Chantel.  He even calls Chantel “sweetheart.”)

This is actually from Part 6 but it’s the Fuscos!

At the Las Vegas Police Department, my favorite detectives — the Fuscos (Eric Edelstein, Dave Koechner, and Larry Clarke) — are asking Bushnell (the wonderfully distinguished Don Murray) if he can think of anyone who would want to harm either Dougie or Janey-E (Naomi Watts).  Bushnell says no, though tempers do run high in the insurance business.  He also mentions that Dougie has been working for him for 12 years and that he can occasionally seem slow because of the lingering effects of a car accident.

My favorite Fusco — Smiley Fusco — starts to giggle.

Out in the hallway, Dougie and Janey-E sit on a bench and wait,  Bushnell approaches and tells the blank-faced Dougie/Cooper that he can take the rest of the day off.  Janey-E says that’s great.  She needs to get him to a doctor, anyway.  Meanwhile, Dougie/Cooper stares, entranced first by an American flag and then on a random secretary who is wearing the same type of red high heels that Audrey Horne used to wear.  Finally, he stares at an electrical socket and we’re reminded that the residents of the Black Lodge often travel through electrical currents.

Meanwhile, in their office, the Fuscos discuss the fact that there is no legal record of Dougie Jones even existing before 1997.  Could he be in witness protection?  D. Fusco has a friend at the Justice Department that he says he can call.  The Fuscos then start to talk about broken taillights, which leads to Smiley Fusco giggling.  Soon, all the Fuscos are laughing!  Good times!

But it’s not all fun and games.  D. Fusco also takes Dougie/Cooper a cup of coffee, the better to get his finger prints and his DNA.

Speaking of fingerprints, another officer announces that the prints off that gun have come back!  It belonged to Ike the Spike ( Christophe Zajac-Denek), who has apparently been tracked down to a cheap motel.  The Fuscos rush to the motel to “join the fun.”  The police catch Ike just as he’s leaving his motel room.  Smiley Fusco starts to giggle.

At the Twin Peaks Sheriff’s Department, Lucy (Kimmy Robertson) and Andy (Harry Goaz) shop for furniture online.  Lucy wants a beige chair.  Andy wants a red chair.  Andy says that they can get the beige chair so Lucy orders the red chair.  They’re so cute!

At the Horne House, Johnny Horne (Eric Rondell, who I guess is replacing Robert Bauer in the role) slams his head into a wall, crashing to the floor and leaving a bloody hole in the plaster.  Sylvia Horne (Jan D’Arcy) cries over Johnny’s body.

Deputy Bobby Briggs (Dana Ashbrook) drops in on his mother (Charlotte Stewart), the wife of the late Garland Briggs.  Bobby, however, does not come alone.  He has brought Truman (Robert Forster) and Hawk (Michael Horse) with him.  They ask her about Cooper’s final visit with Major Briggs, the visit that occurred the day before Briggs’s mysterious death.

Mrs. Briggs says that she’s not surprised.  Before his death, Major Briggs told her that, one day, Truman, Hawk, and Bobby would ask her about Special Agent Dale Cooper.  Mrs. Briggs says that the Major told her to give them something when they asked, a black tube that she has apparently been hiding in a chair for over 25 years.

What follows is a truly brilliant piece of acting from Charlotte Stewart, who previously starred in Lynch’s very first film, Eraserhead.  Mrs. Briggs’s monologue, with it’s unapologetic mix of melodrama and sentiment, feels like a throw back to the old Twin Peaks.  she explains that Major Briggs somehow always knew that Bobby would grow up to be a better man then he was at the time of the Major’s death.

At the Bucktorn morgue, Gordon, Tammy, Diane, and Albert meet with Knox (Adele Rene) and Macklay (Brent Briscoe).  When Diane lights a cigarette, she deals with Macklay’s objections by pointing out that “It’s a fucking morgue!”  After everyone else leaves to look at the Major’s headless body, Diane looks at a message on her phone: “AROUND THE DINNER TABLE.  THE CONVERSATION IS LIVELY.”

Meanwhile, Macklay gets Gordon, Tammy, and Albert up to date on what’s been happening in the Bill Hasting case.  Apparently, his lawyer — George — was arrested for the murder of Bill’s wife.  (We, of course, know she was actually killed by the Doppelganger.)  The day after, Bill’s secretary was killed by a car bomb.

“What’s happening in season 2?” Albert asks, a cheerful acknowledgement of the fact that Twin Peaks started out as a deliberately over the top nighttime soap opera.

As they stand over the Major’s headless body, Macklay goes on to explain that Bill and Ruth Davenport were working on “some strange little blog about an alternate dimension.”  Apparently, in his final post, Bill wrote, “Today we entered the Zone and we met the Major…”  Meanwhile, the coroner (Jane Adams) shows them the ring that she found in the Major’s stomach.  She reads the inscription, “To Dougie, Love Janey-E.”

In Twin Peaks, Jerry (David Patrick Kelly) is still stoned and lost in the wilderness.  He looks down at his shoes and hears a voice: “I am not your foot.”  Is Jerry just really high or has his foot been possessed by something from the Black Lodge?

At the Sheriff’s Department, everyone is on their lunch break.  Everyone but Truman, Bobby, and Hawk.  They’re too busy trying to open that black tube.  Fortunately, Bobby knows how to do it.  (It basically involves throwing it down on the ground several times.)  Inside the tube are two small pieces of paper.  The first features a drawing of the two mountains (the literal twin peaks) and the following directions: “253 yards, east of Jack Rabbit’s Palace.  Before leaving Jack Rabbit’s Palace, put some soil from that area in your pocket.”  There are also two dates (10/1 and 10/2) and a time (2:53).  Truman says that’s two days from now.

Bobby laughs, saying his father has apparently set all of this up so that he can be the hero.  Apparently, Bobby knows exactly where Jack Rabbit’s Palace is because his father used to take him there when he was a little kid.  It’s a place in the wilderness where they went to “make up stories.”  Bobby was even the one who named the place Jack Rabbit’s Palace.

“He saw all this,” Truman says, “whatever this is.”

On the second piece of paper are a series of numbers and two words: “Cooper/Cooper.”

“Two Coopers,” Hawk says.

Back in South Dakota, Diane is joined outside by Gordon and Tammy.  They watch Diane smoke.  Gordon takes a puff off the cigarette.  It’s a classic Lynch scene, one that turns social awkwardness into an art form.

Later, as Gordon, Albert, Diane, and Macklay watch, Tammy talks to Bill Hasting (Matthew Lillard).  Bill does not appear to be adjusting well to prison.  He will not stop sobbing.  Tammy asks him about his blog, “Search for the Zone.”  Bill explains that Ruth was very good at discovering hidden records.  She could pinpoint the exact time and the exact place where they would be able to enter another dimension.  Bill says that he and Ruth met the Major in another dimension.  The Major was “hibernating” but he wanted to go to a different place and he asked Bill and Ruth to get him the “coordinates” of a secret military base.  Bill says that they got the numbers but then “something terrible happened.”  Others entered the dimension and attacked the Major and demanded to know the name of his Bill’s wife.

Tammy interrupts to show Bill six pictures and she asks him to identify the Major.  Bill points to a picture of Garland Briggs.  Bill then says that, after they gave him the coordinates, the Major floated up in the air and said two words: “Cooper, Cooper…”  It was beautiful, Bill says.  And then Ruth was dead and then suddenly, Bill woke up in his own house.

“I want to go scuba diving,” Bill wails.

Watching the scene, Albert says, “Fruitcake, anyone?”

That night, at the Great Northern, Ben (Richard Beymer) and Beverly (Ashley Judd) are still listening to the strange humming in his office.  (Ben doesn’t seem to be too concerned about Johnny smashing his head into a wall earlier that day.)  Then, in a totally surprising turn of events, Ben tells Beverly that he can’t have an affair with her.

“You’re a good man, Ben,” Beverly replies, reminding us that she’s still relatively new to town.

At the Roadhouse, two apparent meth heads have a conversation.  One complains that she has a “wicked rash” under her arm pit.

And our episode ends with another haunting musical performance, this time from Au Revoir, Simone.

Obviously, this episode will not get as much attention as Part 8.  This is a much more straight forward episode, or at least as straight forward as Twin Peaks is ever going to get.  That said, after the high of Part 8, I was happy to get this rather normal episode.  Not only did it reintroduce us to some characters and actors who I thought we may never see again (like Jennifer Jason Leigh and Matthew Lillard) but it also linked up several of the storylines that have been developing since Twin Peaks: The Return began.  With this episode, David Lynch assured us that he does have a destination in mind.

I can’t wait to see where he’s taking us.

Twin Peaks on TSL:

1. Twin Peaks: In the Beginning by Jedadiah Leland
2. TV Review: Twin Peaks 1.1 — The Pilot (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
3. TV Review: Twin Peaks 1.2 — Traces To Nowhere (directed by Duwayne Dunham) by Jedadiah Leland
4. TV Review: Twin Peaks 1.3 — Zen, or the Skill To Catch A Killer (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
5. TV Review: Twin Peaks 1.4 “Rest in Pain” (dir by Tina Rathbone) by Leonard Wilson
6. TV Review: Twin Peaks 1.5 “The One-Armed Man” (directed by Tim Hunter) by Jedadiah Leland
7. TV Review: Twin Peaks 1.6 “Cooper’s Dreams” (directed by Lesli Linka Glatter) by Lisa Marie Bowman
8. TV Review: Twin Peaks 1.7 “Realization Time” (directed by Caleb Deschanel) by Lisa Marie Bowman
9. TV Review: Twin Peaks 1.8 “The Last Evening” (directed by Mark Frost) by Leonard Wilson
10. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.1 “May the Giant Be With You” (dir by David Lynch) by Leonard Wilson
11. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.2 “Coma” (directed by David Lynch) by Jedadiah Leland
12. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.3 “The Man Behind The Glass” (directed by Lesli Linka Glatter) by Jedadiah Leland
13. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.4 “Laura’s Secret Diary” (dir by Todd Holland) by Lisa Marie Bowman
14. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.5 “The Orchid’s Curse” (dir by Graeme Clifford) by Lisa Marie Bowman
15. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.6 “Demons” (dir by Lesli Linka Glatter) by Leonard Wilson
16. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.7 “Lonely Souls” (directed by David Lynch) by Jedadiah Leland
17. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.8 “Drive With A Dead Girl” (dir by Caleb Deschanel) by Lisa Marie Bowman
18. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.9 “Arbitrary Law” (dir by Tim Hunter) by Lisa Marie Bowman
19. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.10 “Dispute Between Brothers” (directed by Tina Rathbone) by Jedadiah Leland
20. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.11 “Masked Ball” (directed by Duwayne Dunham) by Leonard Wilson
21. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.12 “The Black Widow” (directed by Caleb Deschanel) by Leonard Wilson
22. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.13 “Checkmate” (directed by Todd Holland) by Jedadiah Leland
23. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.14 “Double Play” (directed by Uli Edel) by Jedadiah Leland
24. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.15 “Slaves and Masters” (directed by Diane Keaton) by Lisa Marie Bowman
25. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.16 “The Condemned Woman” (directed by Lesli Linka Glatter) by Leonard Wilson
26. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.17 “Wounds and Scars” (directed by James Foley) by Lisa Marie Bowman
27. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.18 “On The Wings of Love” (directed by Duwayne Dunham) by Jedadiah Leland
28. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.19 “Variations on Relations” (directed by Jonathan Sanger) by Lisa Marie Bowman
29. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.20 “The Path to the Black Lodge” (directed by Stephen Gyllenhaal) by Lisa Marie Bowman
30. TV Review: Twin Peaks 2.21 “Miss Twin Peaks” (directed by Tim Hunter) by Leonard Wilson
31. TV Review: Twin Peaks 22.2 “Beyond Life and Death” (directed by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
32. Film Review: Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
33. Here’s The Latest Teaser for Showtime’s Twin Peaks by Lisa Marie Bowman
34. Here’s The Newest Teaser for Showtime’s Twin Peaks by Lisa Marie Bowman
35. 12 Initial Thoughts About Twin Peaks: The Return Parts One and Two by Lisa Marie Bowman
36. This Week’s Peaks: Parts One and Two by Ryan C. (trashfilm guru)
37. TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Parts One and Two (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
38. 4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Twin Peaks Edition by Lisa Marie Bowman
39. This Week’s Peaks: Parts Three and Four by Ryan C. (trashfilm guru)
40. 14 Initial Thoughts About Twin Peaks: The Return Part Three by Lisa Marie Bowman (dir by David Lynch)
41. 10 Initial Thoughts About Twin Peaks: The Return Part Four by Lisa Marie Bowman (dir by David Lynch)
42. TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Parts Three and Four (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman 
43. 18 Initial Thoughts About Twin Peaks: The Return Part 5 (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
44. This Week’s Peaks: Part Five by Ryan C. (trashfilm guru)
45. TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return: Part 5 (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
46. 14 Initial Thoughts On Twin Peaks Part 6 (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
47. This Week’s Peaks: Part Six by Ryan C. (trashfilm guru)
48. TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Part 6 (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
49. 12 Initial Thoughts on Twin Peaks: The Return Part 7 (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
50. This Week’s Peaks: Part Seven by Ryan C. (trashfilm guru)
51. TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Part 7 (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
52. Ten Initial Thoughts on Twin Peaks: The Return Part 8 (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
53. This Week’s Peaks: Part Eight by Ryan C (trashfilm guru)
54. TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Part 8 (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
55. 16 Initial Thoughts on Twin Peaks: The Return Part 9 (dir by David Lynch) by Lisa Marie Bowman
56. This Week’s Peaks: Part Nine by Ryan C (trashfilm guru)