Lisa Reviews Survivor 51 Episode 1 “Permanent Uncertainty”


Considering how much time I’ve spent complaining about the direction Survivor has taken in the post-COVID era, I was really happy with last night’s premiere of Survivor 51. There were no returning players. The castaways seem like a good mix of personalities. There are some people I can already tell I’m going to hate (Devin) and some I’m now definitely rooting for (Lewis, Jenna). So far there are only two idols floating around, and only one of them has actually been claimed. (Congratulations, Rob.) After three months of watching the Big Brother houseguests pretend to be time travelers, there was something genuinely gratifying about watching people compete in a real immunity challenge.

Of course I wouldn’t be me if I didn’t have something to complain about. “Permanent uncertainty” is almost as dumb a slogan as “Expect the unexpected,” and I found it strange that Jeff Probst seemed to think this was a new concept. Every season of Survivor, people have been uncertain about their place in the game and whether they were going to survive that night’s tribal council. Probst’s speech about this being “the open era” of Survivor went on forever and didn’t add up to anything. Basically he said any twist from a past season could happen again. And how is that a new thing? I wondered.

Finally, Probst tried to defend the firemaking challenge, which is one of the worst things that ever happened to Survivor. He even gave the castaways a chance to do away with it, but he insisted the vote had to be unanimous. Of course it wasn’t. The players know the firemaking challenge is there to rescue people who couldn’t get themselves into the final three on their own. The whole vote felt like Probst taunting those of us who prefer old-school Survivor and who know the only reason firemaking was introduced was so Ben Driebergen could limp into the final three in season 36 despite a terrible social game.

But enough complaining. There were enough good moments and interesting personalities last night to make up for anything Jeff Probst said.

First off, Kilby losing all of his tribe’s equipment in a thumb war was a classic Survivor moment. When it happened, my immediate thought was that Kilby was doomed. I was surprised no one brought it up at camp or at tribal council, so I can only assume Kilby must be the most likable man on Earth.

Secondly, I really cannot stand Devin, and I think the rest of Toka is eventually going to turn on him. He comes across as fake. Even more importantly, his crusade to vote out Jenna rubbed me the wrong way. Even if Jenna were lying about being a wedding photographer (she isn’t), that wouldn’t change the fact that she worked hard in the challenge and hadn’t been causing trouble at camp. Devin went into tribal feeling very smug, but by the end of it he saw he didn’t have nearly as much power as he thought.

I hated that Jenna was essentially being targeted for being shy. One of the things that bugs me about that later seasons of Survivor is that the castaways always want to talk about their personal lives and take it personally if someone doesn’t want to share. That Jenna survived tribal made me happy. That there was so much genuine suspense reminded me of just how good Survivor can still be.

I feel terrible for Lewis. He did all that work chopping down the mast to get the idol. What’s sad is that whoever goes to Exile Island next will probably face the same challenge and have a much easier time because of the work Lewis already did. He basically exhausted himself for someone else. I really like Lewis and I hope he does well.  I assume he’ll be joining the Toka Tribe.

As for Savu, Rob found an immunity idol. I don’t know how I feel about that, because I’m not a huge Rob fan. He spent the episode trying too hard to be a classic reality-show villain. Eric talks too much and I’d probably have a hard time living on a beach with him, but Rob’s obsession with getting him voted out felt like a bit much. Just from last night, I get the feeling Eric is being set up for a redemption arc.

Tribal council was exciting. Personally I was happy Aaliyah went home, if only because it means Devin has one less ally. It looks like the show is setting up a massive Devin/Brady rivalry. Of course, judging from the preview of next week, Brady might also have chopped off one of his fingers, so we’ll see.

Are you glad Survivor’s back? I’m glad it’s back.  When I was growing up, I always watched Survivor, Big Brother, and The Amazing Race with my mom.  I’ve struggled a bit with the post-COVID era direction of Survivor.  The fact that everyone suddenly had a sob story always bugged me because, to me, Survivor should only be about what happens on the Island.  (It also didn’t help that Jeff Probst lost a bit of his edge as host.  The season where he asked the castaways whether it was okay for him to keep saying, “Come on in, guys!” might as well have been hosted by Henry Winkler and a shark.)  I missed the previous few seasons of Survivor but, with Big Brother being such a bust this year, I decided to give Survivor another chance.  Last night’s episode felt like a return to the show that I grew up watching.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 5.4 “Mind Games”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, the Bulls sign a new player!

Episode 5.4 “Mind Games”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 1st, 1989)

The Bulls have signed college phenom Achilles Byron (Ronald William Lawrence) to the roster.  However, in order to his name on the dotted line, they also have to sign his loud-mouthed, wheelchair-bound father (Ron O’Neal).  Mr. Byron is tough taskmaster who constantly yells at Achilles and forces him to do extra drills.  Denardo isn’t happy about Mr. Byron’s presence on the sidelines.  Quite rightly, he explains to TD Parker and Kristy that there can only be one coach on the field.

Fortunately, Achilles scores the game-winning touchdown in his first game and Mr. Byron announces that Achilles no longer needs him.  Mr. Byron also reveals that he was driving drunk on the night that he crashed his car, injured his spine, and killed Achilles’s mother.  Wow, that’s a lot to dump on a kid who just won a football game.  Luckily, Achilles had already figured out all of that on his own.  Achilles is like No hard feelings and I’m going to say, “Ouch,” on the behalf of the deceased Mrs. Bryon.

Denardo, as a sign of respect, rolls Mr. Byron out of the locker room.  Denardo also threatens to roll Mr. Byron down a flight of stairs.  Mr. Byron suddenly starts laughing.

1st & Ten has this weird habit of tossing new characters into the mix and expecting us to get emotionally invested in them despite the fact that we’ve never seen them before and we’ll never seem them again.  I’ve already checked with the IMDb.  This is the only appearance of the character of Achilles Byron on the show.  The Bulls agreeing to let Mr. Byron sit on the sidelines never made any sense and the final revelation about the night he was driving drunk came out of nowhere.  It almost felt like a parody of badly-done melodrama.

While all of that was going on, Dr. Death was briefly brainwashed by a cult.  It doesn’t look like he’ll ever get his killer instinct back!  But then an opposing player calls Dr. Death a “pinhead” and he snaps out of it.  He scores a viscous tackle that leaves the other player so dazed that that he wanders over to the wrong sideline.  Obviously, he has a concussion but the laugh track tells us not to worry about it.

Dr. Death getting brainwashed actually was kind of funny.  Ron O’Neal, best known for starring in Superfly, does a lot of yelling as Mr. Byron.  It’s not exactly a good performance but one gets the feeling that was more the fault of the script than O’Neal.  This was another curiously insubstantial episode of 1st & Ten.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 8.13 “Paying the Piper/Baby Sister/Help Wanted”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Welcome aboard!  We’re expecting you….

Episode 8.13 “Paying the Piper/Baby Sister/Help Wanted”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 1st, 1984)

Cheryl Enicker (Rue McClanahan) is sick of her husband, button manufacturer Harold (Donald O’Connor), taking her for granted.  When she gives him a watch that cost $1,200, Harold points out that, since she gets all of her money from him, he basically bought the watch himself.  Cheryl gets upset and hands Harold an invoice, listing everything that she’s done as a wife and mother for 25 years and demanding that Harold pay her half a million dollars.  That’ll show him!  After the episode, I was kind of of curious as to why the invoice was only for half a million dollars.  It seems like it should have been more.  I did some calculations and discovered that $520,00 in 1980 was the equivalent of $2,000,000 today.  Wow!

Recent high school graduate Patty Springer (Dana Plato) can’t understand why her much older sister, Eleanor (Jaime Lynn Bauer), is freaking out about Patty hanging out with Peter Barkan (Christopher Knight).  Eleanor goes as far as to kiss Peter in order to make Patty think that Peter is cheating on her.  Patty’s mother, Eve (Vera Miles), suggests that Eleanor should tell Patty the truth.  Eleanor isn’t actually Patty’s sister.  Eleanor is …. Patty’s mother!  And Eve is actually Patty’s grandmother.  Needless to say, Patty is shaken by this news but she accepts it by the time the cruise ends.  The Love Boat was only an hour show so most cases of generational trauma had to be resolved fairly quickly.

Kim Carlisle (Michelle Johnson) is the niece of a friend of Captain Stubing’s.  Kim shows up, saying that her uncle said Stubing would find something for her to do on the ship.  Kim goes from department-to-department, screwing things up.  She removes all of the labels from the wine bottles so she can wash them.  She snaps a picture of a man cheating on his wife.  However, when she starts doing aerobics, several passengers join her.  Kim is hired to be the new recreation director and — WAIT A MINUTE!  I thought that was Charo’s job!  Well, apparently, Charo is out and Kim is in.

This cruise was pleasant but forgettable, which seems to be becoming the norm for season 8.  It didn’t take me long to guess the big twist about Eleanor being Patty’s mother.  Poor Dana Plato.  Knowing what I now know about her life and what the future had in store for her adds a definite melancholy feel to this episode.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.20 “Trust”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Cory makes another stupid mistake.

Episode 4.20 “Trust”

(Dir by Terence H. Winkless, originally aired on April 11th, 1999)

When her best friend is murdered, Cory assumes that the killer is her friend’s ex-boyfriend, Mark (Joel Gretsch).  FBI profiler Jerry Beck (Eric Scott Woods) agrees.  In fact, he claims that Mark is a serial killer who has been stalking and killing blondes across the country.  Cory, who blames herself for her friend’s death and who has recently broken up with Bobby Cruz, works with Jerry to try to stop Mark’s reign of terror.  But what if Jerry Beck isn’t who he says he is?  What if the real Jerry Beck was murdered and an imposter took on his identity?

This is one of those episodes where Monica pretty much figures out what’s going on but everyone ignores her because both the characters and the show itself seem to have a bizarre hated for her.  Every episode in which Monica appears seems to feature Monica doing better detective work than everyone else on the bike patrol and getting absolutely no credit for it.  In this case, Cory does eventually admit that Monica was right so I guess that’s progress.

Oh, this was a stupid episode.  Having an FBI profiler turn out to actually be a serial killer isn’t a bad idea but having the killer somehow steal the identity of an actual FBI agent without anyone noticing is one of those things that just asks for too much of a suspension of disbelief.  Having Cory then fall for the fake FBI agent while she’s supposed to searching for the killer of her best friend was just another example of Cory basically acting like an idiot.  That’s been a frequent thing with Cory this season.  It’s odd because Cory used to actually be the smart member of the bike patrol.

While Cory is trying to avenge her friend’s death, Granger hooks up with a woman that he meets online.  Jamie is skeptical that CyberVixen is going to be the next Mrs. Granger.  It’s always funny to me to see television shows that attempted to deal with the Internet in the 90s.  You can always tell that they were written by aging boomers who weren’t quite sure what the Internet was and probably expected it to just be a brief fad.

To me, the funniest moment in this episode was the members of Pacific Blue realizing that Cory was alone with a serial killer so, instead of calling a squad car, they all just hopped on their bicycles and rode over to Cory’s apartment.  I mean, would it kill them to take a car for once?  I imagine they would have gotten over to the apartment quicker.

This episode was pretty dumb.

Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell: The New Class 2.19 “The Class of 2020”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell: The New Class, which ran on NBC from 1993 to 2o00.  The show is currently on Prime.

“One thing I’ll never forget is when the writers were too lazy to come up with a new episode so we just did a clip show instead….”

Episode 2.19 “The Class of 2020”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 19th, 1994)

Screech and Belding are making a documentary to put in the time capsule for the class of 2020.  Wow, those 2020 graduates will be amazed to see what the world was like before they were born!

Megan and Bobby are interviewed.  Lindsay and Tommy are interviewed.  Rachel and Brian are interviewed.  There’s a lot of dialogue like “Remember that time we thought we got Mr. Belding fired?” and “I’ll never forget the time my friends helped me out.”  Yep, it’s a clip show.  One of the clips comes from the previous week’s episode.

Two things of note:

One of Lindsay and Tommy’s clips features Weasel and Scott from the previous season.  That makes this episode the only time that anyone during the second season actually acknowledged that Scott, Weasel, and Vicki used to go to Bayside.

Secondly, Rachel and Brian talk about falling in love over the summer at the country club.  But this episode ends with Screech and Belding talking about how Screech’s first year as Belding’s administrative assistant is coming to an end.  None of the students met Screech until he started working as Belding’s administrative assistant, as the start of the school year.  But they all know Screech in the country club episodes.  In fact, Screech is the one who hired them.  So, the country club episodes have to have taken place during the summer after Screech’s first year as Belding’s academic assistant.  So, this clip show apparently includes clips from the future.  Maybe Brian and Rachel are time travelers.

Anyway, it’s a clip show.  Who cares?

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 6.9 “Return To Death’s Door”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, a future star makes an appearance and Bruce gets a chance to prove himself.

Episode 6.9 “Return To Death’s Door”

(Dir by Winrich Kolbe, originally aired on December 12th, 1982)

Teenage Chris (Lee Montgomery) is risking his life in dangerous street races! Can Ponch, who knew Chris’s older brother and who was there the day that Chris’s brother was killed in a street race, get through to Chris? Sure, he can. He’s Ponch. He can do anything.

This episode of CHiPs felt very familiar. This is not the first time that the show featured Ponch having flashbacks to his youth as a juvenile delinquent. Of course, Estrada plays himself in the flashbacks and, by the time the sixth season rolled around, he was a little bit old to be convincing as a teenager. But no matter! What’s important is that Ponch took part in one last race to convince Chris to change his life around. That’s the power of Ponch!  (And fear not.  Ponch appears to have gotten over the death of his fiancée in record time.)

While Ponch was saving lives and changing outlooks, two honeymooners from the South were stealing cars and having a fun time seeing the sights. Honey Jean was played by Kathy Shower while her new husband, Billy Joe, was played by an actor named Bryan Cranston.

That’s right. Bryan Cranston!

This episode proves that everyone had to start somewhere. Today, Bryan Cranston is best-known for playing Walter White on Breaking Bad and the father on Malcolm in the Middle. (To be honest, I think Malcolm in the Middle is one of those shows that people claim to like more than they actually do.) In 1982, he was just a young actor playing a down-home car thief on CHiPs and speaking with a really broad country accent.

Interestingly, it’s Bruce Nelson who arrests Billy Joe and Honey Jean. Between Ponch ending the street races and Bruce making arrests, Bobby Nelson really didn’t get to do much in this episode. Tom Reilly may have been listed second in the credits but this episode treated him like a bystander. From what I’ve read, Reilly and Estrada got along even worse than Estrada and Wilcox. When Reilly got arrested for driving while intoxicated, it led to the real Highway Patrol threatening to pull their sponsorship and, if CHiPs had come back for a seventh season, it’s easy to imagine that Reilly would have been gone and Bruce Penhall would have been Ponch’s new partner. That actually might have worked because Penhall is a far more believable cop than the somewhat spacey Reilly.

In fact, Bruce gets to do a lot of good things in this episode. He also rescues a dog that had gotten loose on the highway and brings it to the station. Harlan adopts it and Getraer spends this episode sneezing. Eventually, the dog’s owner picks up the dog. Don’t worry, though. Bruce shows up with yet another dog and this one is even cuter than the first!

The dogs were cute and I enjoyed saying, “Wait a minute! Is that Bryan Cranston!?” For a sixth-season episode of CHiPs, that counts as success.

Retro Television Review: Crime Story 1.20 “Top of the World”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Crime Story, which ran on NBC from 1986 to 1988.  The entire show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Michael Mann directs the downfall of Luca!

Episode 1.20 “Top of the World”

(Dir by Michael Mann, originally aired on March 6th, 1987)

Luca has taken control of Vegas, and now he’s out of control. He’s gambling nonstop and cheating to win. While his wife spends all of her time watching The Price Is Right, Luca is carrying on affairs with both Bambi (Debbie Harry) and Max Goldman’s wife, Joanne (Debra Stipe). Luca has everything that he’s spent this entire season saying that he wanted: money, legitimacy, and power. But at heart, he’s still the same Chicago gangster that he’s always been. As Torello deduces, he needs the risk and the danger that come with being a criminal. Without it, he doesn’t know what to do with himself.

At the beginning of this episode, Torello tells the demoralized members of the MCU that they can do one of two things. They can either track down Luca’s parents and shoot them for having him, or they can start over with their attempt to build a case against him. (Torello, as intense as ever, doesn’t seem to be joking about tracking down Luca’s parents.) Torello’s plan is to sow dissension among Luca’s troops. When dapper courier Tony Dio (Paul Anka) is spotted leaving Luca’s casino with a suitcase full of skimmed cash for Manny Weisbord, he’s stopped by Torello and essentially kidnapped. They then let Max know that Luca has been sleeping with his wife and insinuate that Luca killed Tony and took the money for himself.

Meanwhile, Luca is temporarily barred from working at his casino by the Nevada Gaming Commission. He can’t even step into any of the places that he owns. Stuck at home with his wife, Luca starts to go stir-crazy. When Steve Kordo tells Luca that Weisbord is asking where his money is, Luca decides that Max is trying to stab him in the back. Luca has Frank Holman plant a car bomb in Max’s car. Though the bomb goes off, Max survives. At the hospital, a severely burned Max tells Torello that he has no intention of being a rat.

However, someone else is, and it’s exactly who you would least expect. Luca, high on pills and self-pity, rapes Pauli’s girlfriend, Donna (Audrey Matson). Pauli grabs a shotgun and starts wandering around Vegas, searching for Luca. Torello is able to arrest Pauli in a diner. Pauli tells Torello the details of every murder that Luca committed over the season, including the murder of David Abrams’s father.

After a shoot-out with Luca’s bodyguards at the casino, Torello, Abrams, and the MCU track Luca down to a restaurant where he’s having dinner with Bambi. (They’re celebrating because an appellate court has stayed the order keeping Luca out of his casinos.) At first, Luca is smug. But when he hears that Pauli is the one who betrayed him, his smile disappears. The episode ends as Luca is taken into custody.

This episode was directed by the show’s executive producer, Michael Mann. Mann does a great job keeping the action moving and showing both Luca’s rapid rise and his just-as-rapid descent. Visually, Mann plays up the darkness in which all the characters live. Nearly every scene takes place at night. When we see Torello sitting in his office, the shadows are so heavy that they almost seem to be swallowing him. This episode reminds us that, just as Luca will always be a Chicago gangster, Torello will always be a Chicago cop. Luca and Torello live in the same darkness, and it’s threatening to devour them both.

Next week, the first season concludes!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Degrassi: The Next Generation 3.11 “Holiday: Part One”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015!  The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.

This week, it’s the holidays!

Episode 3.11 “Holiday: Part One”

(Dir by Philip Earnshaw, originally aired on December 17th, 2003)

It’s Christmas in Canada!

While snow blankets the ground, Sydney and Joey have a tree-trimming party that is attended by Caitlin and Spike.  Caitlin reveals that she’s going to be spending Christmas alone but it doesn’t matter because it’s just one meaningless day out of the year.  Joey is horrified at the thought of Caitlin being by herself for the holidays.  Sydney, on the other hand, is wondering why her boyfriend is so worried about what his high school ex is going to be doing over the holidays.  Still, when Joey and Sydney need someone to babysit Angie for a night, Sydney reaches out to Caitlin.  Caitlin allows Angie to stay up too late and to wear the red dress that Sydney made for her to wear on Christmas day.  Sydney is not amused.  Caitlin says, “Don’t blame her….”  “I’m not,” Sydney replies.

Caitlin, shaken over rightly being called out for her own irresponsible behavior, stumbles out of the house.  Joey follows her and says that Sydney didn’t mean to be harsh.  Sydney just likes things a certain way.  Then, he and Caitlin kiss.

Meanwhile, Joey’s stepson, Craig, is torn between his girlfriend Ashley and his secret girlfriend Manny.  Manny gives Craig an ultimatum.  She tells him to pick either her or Ashley.  Craig picks Manny and then goes over to Ashley’s house to tell her.  Before Craig can say anything, Ashley gives him a guitar that once belonged to her grandfather who, she says, played it with Django Reinhardt.  Craig forgets about dumping Ashley.

The next day, Manny sees Craig at school.  He’s sitting next to Ashley and playing his guitar.  Manny is not amused.  Craig lies and tells Manny that he and Ashley have broken up but “I haven’t told her about us yet.”  The school Christmas show is coming up and Craig and Ashley are scheduled to perform a song together.  Craig explains that it would make the performance awkward if he told Ashley that he liked Manny.  Manny accepts Craig’s lie.  For now.

And that’s it!  If this episode seemed a little anti-climatic, that’s because “Holiday” was actually an hour-long Christmas special that was split into two episodes for syndication.  The action, as it were, doesn’t really pick up until the second half.  We’ll take a look at that next week.

For this week, let me just admit that I’ve always had mixed feelings about this episode.  On the one hand, I love the holidays and, of the many relationship dramas that played out over the course of this series, the whole Ashley/Craig/Manny triangle was a favorite of mine.  But it’s always bothered me that, in this episode, Sydney was suddenly transformed into a bitch just so the show could justify Caitlin and Joey getting back to together.  I mean, really, what did Sydney do wrong?  She wanted the house to be neat.  She wanted the tree to look nice.  And she didn’t want Angie to ruin her pretty dress.  Somehow, all of this is supposed to make Sydney look bad.  Meanwhile, Caitlin is a grown woman who is still obsessing over the boyfriend who treated her terribly in high school.

We’ll conclude this holiday next week!

Retro Television Review: Homicide 6.4 “The Subway”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC!  It  can be viewed on Peacock.

This episode made me cry.

Episode 6.4 “The Subway”

(Dir by Gary Felder, originally aired on December 5th, 1997)

It’s another morning in Baltimore.  Salesman John Lange (Vincent D’Onofrio) goes to the local subway station with his girlfriend, Sarah (Laura MacDonald).  Sarah goes on her morning run.  John enters the station so he can catch his train to work.  John is wearing a suit and he’s moving quickly and impatiently.  When he reaches the platform, something happens.  We see John and a shorter man falling forward as the train pulls in.  We see the bystanders gasp.  And then we see that John is pinned between the train and the platform.  Only the upper half of his body is visible.  The lower half of his body is twisted underneath the train.  John is still alive.

Homicide is called because, even though John is breathing and shouting, everyone knows that he’ll soon be dead.  Pembleton and Bayliss arrive.  Bayliss interviews Larry Bierdon (Bruce MacVittie), a man who claims that he was pushed at the same time as John.  Pembleton talks to John Lange.  For once, Pembleton — who has always tried to remain coolly detached — finds himself dealing one-on-one with a man whose name will soon be going up on the board.

John is confused and he’s angry and he’s demanding to know why he hasn’t been freed yet.  He yells at the EMT (Wendee Pratt) who is checking his blood pressure and continually asking him if he’s feeling anything.  Everyone seems to know that John Lange only has 30 to 40 minutes left.  Everyone but John.  But eventually, Lange figures it out.  While everyone else — the EMTs, the firemen, the cops — go about their job like any other day  (and the EMT herself gets annoyed with John’s constant abuse), John Lange hopes that he’ll somehow get that million to one shot that will allow him to be freed from the platform without dying in the process.

Falsone and Lewis search for Sarah.  Actually, “search” is a bit too generous a term for what they do.  Falsone and Lewis wander around the harbor and glance at any women who they see jogging.  Lewis talks about how much he hates getting older.  They spend a lot of time shooting the breeze.  At one point, Sarah runs by them and they don’t notice.

At the station, Bayliss discovers that Larry Bierden previously shoved a man in front of a subway in Chicago.  Larry was placed in a psychiatric ward.  When he was released, he moved to Baltimore and did it again.  It becomes obvious that there was no grand reason for Larry pushing John.  If Larry hadn’t pushed John, he would have pushed someone else.  John’s death is a random case of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

As for John, he finally starts to feel the pain of being pinned.  The EMT explains that she can’t give him painkillers in his current state because it will reduce the miniscule chance that they have of saving his life.  Pembleton sits down next to the train and holds Lange’s hand.  Pembleton talks about his stroke.  Lange talks about how sugar maple leaves will turn whenever it rains.  Lange tells Pembleton, “I’m okay,” just before the EMTS inflate the airbags that push the train away from the platform.  Lange is freed and dies immediately.

Pembleton steps outside the station, where Bayliss is joking with a uniformed cop about how Larry Bierden apparently thought he could get away with doing the exact same thing that he did in Chicago just by moving to a different city.  Pembleton stops to stare at Bierden, who is handcuffed in a squad car.  “I want my ID back,” Bierden says, a complaint that he’s been repeating ever since Bayliss initially took his expired drivers license away from him.

As they get in their own car, Pembleton asks Bayliss if he knew that sugar maple leaves turn when it rains.  Bayliss says that he didn’t. “Learn something new every day,” a shaken Pembleton says.

Meanwhile, Sarah runs past the station, little knowing that John has just died.

This was an incredibly powerful episode, one that had me sobbing from the minute I saw John trapped between the train and the platform.  Vincent D’Onofrio gives an incredible performance as John Lange, one that works because the show itself refuses to sentimentalize the character.  John Lange is angry and abrasive and the show doesn’t ask us to like him.  Instead, it asks us to acknowledge the humanity that we all share.  Lange may not have been a likable person but he was still a person.  If he hadn’t been pushed, he would have gone to work like any other day.  Instead, because he was pushed, he spends 40 minutes dealing with the realization that he’s going to die.  He’s pissed off and he has every right to be.

This was an emotionally draining episode.  As I watched, I kept flashing back to my Dad in home hospice care and his final words to me: “I don’t understand what’s happening.  I feel so weak.”  I was exhausted by the time the episode ended.  John Lange wanted to say goodbye to his girlfriend and instead, he said goodbye to Frank Pembleton, the stranger who comforted him in his final minutes.

(Would it have killed Lewis and Falsone to have looked a little harder?  To be honest, their failure to find her was realistic and it kept the episode from descending into sentimentality.  Still, I’ve never been quite as annoyed with Meldrick Lewis as I was while watching The Subway.  Given the previous three episodes of Homicide, I guess I should just be happy that the show didn’t have Falsone magically figure out a way to save John’s life.)

This was one of the best television episodes that I’ve ever seen.  And I never want to watch it again.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.6 “Operation Zack”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993.  The entire show can be purchased on Prime!

Zack injures his knee and has to go to the hospital!  Hilarity ensues!

Episode 3.6 “Operation Zack”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 28th, 1991)

Along with being a track star, a radio announcer, a member of the student council, and the leader of Zack Attack, Zack Morris is also a star basketball player.  Bayside’s basketball team has a big game coming up.  They’re coached by a short person.  That’s the joke.  While rushing out of the dressing room for lay-up drills, Zack collides with Mr. Belding and somehow injures his knee.  Screech rushes him to the hospital and, in a preview of what he would do to Mr. Belding on countless episodes of The New Class, Screech continually pushes the wheelchair-bound  Zack into walls and desks, causing him to reinjure his knee.  The show thinks it’s hilarious but I’ve injured my knee and my ankle before and I know how painful it is.  Screech is a moron.

Lisa’s mother, Dr. Turtle (Susan Beaubian), says that Zack’s knee is going to require surgery.  She says that it’s no big deal but everyone else acts as if Zack has been given a death sentence.  “They’re going to hack Zack!” Zack says.  He has a dream where he sees his own funeral.  (Screech appears as his guardian angel.)  Zack disguises himself as a doctor and tries to sneak out of the hospital.  Dr. Turtle catches him.  Lisa, who is volunteering as a candy striper, tells Zack that everything is going to be okay.

And everything is!  The surgery is a success.  Zack even survives Screech trying to turn on the television by using the bed’s remote control.  And Mr. Belding does Zack’s homework for him.  That makes no sense. How is that even allowed?

This episode was pretty dumb.  That said, I did once watch it while I was actually in the hospital because I was recovering from an asthma attack and, at that time, it did cheer me up.  Dumb as it is, the episode does get at a universal truth.  Everyone hates going to the hospital.

Finally, this episode features one of Dustin Diamond’s worst performances.  Screech is especially annoying here because, for once, his stupidity actually does hurt someone.  Zack doesn’t need some doofus clumsily pushing his wheelchair while shouting, “Lady with a baby!”  Whenever Screech caused Zack to bump into something, I felt shooting sympathy pains.  Mark-Paul Gosselaar looked fairly annoyed whenever he had to share a scene with Dustin Diamond.  In this case, I don’t blame him.

Next week, Screech plays chess and loses his lucky beret.  What a dummy.