Happy Birthday, Linda Gray!


My wife and I visited the South Fork Ranch a few years ago to celebrate her fond memories of watching DALLAS with her granny. It was a wonderful visit, and I surprised her for her birthday that year by buying her the entire DALLAS TV series on DVD. Since then we’ve watched every single episode of the original DALLAS television series, all of the DALLAS television movies, and every single episode of the reboot series! By my count that’s a total of 396 TV episodes and 3 TV movies. That’s a lot of hours… and Linda Gray was in most of them. Based on that alone, this beautiful lady seems like a beloved member of the family.

Happy Birthday, Linda! Thanks for all the wonderful memories. Here’s a sample of some of her best scenes on DALLAS!

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.19 “The Lost Treasure of Tower 12”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Harvey gets to do something.

Episode 2.19 “The Lost Treasure of Tower 12”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on April 27th, 1992)

After a season of appearing in the opening credits and rarely anywhere else, Harvey (Tom McTigue) finally gets a storyline. Because Mitch is going on a camping trip, he has Harvey replace him as the teacher of a windsurfing class. Harvey is excited because the students all attend a local girls’ school. That would presumably mean they’re teenagers, while Harvey appears to be in his thirties.

As Ben correctly deduces, Harvey has no idea how to windsurf. This becomes obvious as soon as Harvey and Ben meet the bikini-clad students on the beach. (Harvey tells all the girls to write down their phone numbers. Again: the girls are teenagers, and Harvey is definitely not.) After watching Harvey struggle with the basics, the students start to walk away. Ben steps up and announces that he can teach them. What follows is a montage of the girls windsurfing while a dejected Harvey stares straight at the camera.

That’s the B-plot. The A-plot features Michael Bendetti as Ian, a poet who lives on the beach and finds a box of stolen jewels a thief buried in the sand. Ian uses the jewelry to bankroll his courtship of Shauni. (Ian has a crush.) The thieves aren’t happy about that.

This episode just felt off. With his obsessive crush on Shauni, Ian comes across as a stalker, and yet I think we were supposed to be charmed by how relentless he was. There’s even an extended fantasy sequence in which Ian imagines dancing with Shauni under a chandelier suspended above the beach. Meanwhile, the main thief is so cruel that he throws the episode out of whack. It’s hard to reconcile a scene of Newmie and Eddie pulling a dead body out of the ocean with the lightweight humor of Harvey trying to windsurf.

This episode confirms something I’ve suspected from the moment I started reviewing this show. The early seasons of Baywatch worked best when they focused on David Hasselhoff’s somewhat corny but undeniably earnest portrayal of Mitch Buchannon. Whenever Hasselhoff isn’t in an episode (or appears in just one scene), the cynicism at the heart of the show — and the emptiness of its style-heavy approach — is much harder to ignore.

In short, Baywatch needed the Hoff.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Sledge Hammer! 1.5 “Dori Day Afternoon”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing SLEDGE HAMMER!, a cop comedy which ran on ABC from 1986 to 1988. The entire series can be found on Prime!

This week, Dori and Sledge get caught up in a hostage situation.

Episode 1.5 “Dori Day Afternoon”

(Dir by James Sheldon, originally aired on October 24th, 1986)

While driving to the bank, Dori and Sledge Hammer see a man on the ledge of a building. The man is threatening to jump. Dori says she’s going to grab a bullhorn out of the trunk so she can talk the guy down. Sledge says that won’t be necessary. He draws his gun and fires five shots at the man, barely missing him, until the terrified man goes back inside.

At the bank, Sledge is shocked when the ATM tells him that his account is overdrawn. He and Dori go inside to talk to the manager. While Sledge is trying to get some answers as to what happened to his account, two men draw guns. Cliff (Frank Doubleday) and Lou (Britt Leach) announce that they are robbing the bank and that everyone inside is going to be a hostage. Sledge has his gun with him but, after dealing with the jumper, he only has one bullet left. While Cliff negotiates with Captain Trunk, Sledge continually waits for Cliff and Lou to stand close enough together that they can both be taken out by one bullet. Unfortunately, the other hostages keep getting in the way.

This episode was okay without being particularly memorable. When you consider how silly the first three episodes of Sledge Hammer! were, it’s a bit ironic that this one suffers because it takes itself a bit too seriously. Instead of the enjoyably surreal humor of the first episode, “Dori Day Afternoon” features too many scenes of Cliff and Lou making their demands and threatening people. The episode does pick up a bit at the end, when Trunk tries to trick Cliff and Lou by giving them a plane but not a pilot. It turns out Cliff is an expert pilot. After Sledge manages to beat Cliff up, it turns out that Sledge has no idea how to fly a plane. Luckily, Dori does.

The funniest moments are the ones where Sledge struggles with his natural instinct, which is to shoot first and worry about the consequences later. David Rasche, as always, does a good job of showing just how much Sledge struggles when he’s in a situation that can’t be solved through gunplay. The funniest moment is when Trunk calls the bank and asks Sledge if the hostages have hurt anyone.

“No,” Sledge replies.

“Have you hurt anyone?”

“Not yet.”

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 4.10 “Loss of Power”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Daily Motion.

This week, the lights go out.

Episode 4.10 “Loss of Power”

(Dir by Mark Tinker, originally aired on December 11th, 1985)

Due to a blizzard, the power has gone down in Boston. At St. Eligius, the backup generator comes to a sputtering and unreliable life. Over the course of the night shift, many things happen in the dark.

Dr. Craig successfully performs lifesaving surgery without being able to use any of the tools that surgeons have come to take for granted. After the grueling operation is completed, he leaves the ER without thanking anyone else. Dr. Wade chases after him and tells him that he should have at least told everyone that they did a good job. Dr. Craig replies that everyone did their job like they were supposed to. Just the fact that he allows them into his operating room should be thanks enough.

Pru Dowler (Amanda Wyss), the developmentally challenged teenager who was caught having sex in her hospital room a few episodes ago, returns with her mother (Terrence O’Connor). Pru has been having stomach pains and morning sickness. After Dr. Morrison confirms that Pru is pregnant, her mother says that Pru will be having an abortion. Morrison tries to talk her out of it, to no avail.

Working at the nurses’ station, Helen Rosenthal gets a summons to appear in court. Lucy is suing over the incident in which Helen slapped her.

Fiscus and Mona have sex in the hospital and, when Fiscus proposes, Mona accepts.

Elliott treats a patient who claims that he’s going to turn into either a vampire or a werewolf at midnight. Elliott thinks that the man belongs in the psych ward, but then he discovers that the man is actually suffering from a real condition that makes it difficult for him to go out during the day. The man spent so much time being made fun of for his nocturnal lifestyle that he eventually decided that he really was a vampire.

And finally, Dr. Westphall is stuck in an elevator with a claustrophobic man (Michael Des Barres) who is also named Donald. Stuck in an elevator with a stranger, Westphall does what he always does. He uses the situation as an excuse to start talking about the volunteer work he did in Ethiopia and how disappointed he is that everyone doesn’t share his attitude when it comes to community outreach. The other Donald responds by talking about the time he was thrown in jail for marijuana possession. Eventually, the other Donald dislocates his shoulder when he throws himself against the elevator doors.

Seriously, can you think of anything worse than being stuck in an elevator with Donald Westphall? Westphall is already one of the most depressing people on the planet. Now imagine being trapped in a confined space with him. Once again, this episode proves that Westphall can take any situation and turn it into a lesson about how he’s right and everyone else is wrong.

That said, I liked this episode. It reminded me of the season-one episode that featured a small group of doctors working the night shift. It was interesting to see how everyone adjusted to the darkness. This was a workplace episode in which we watched as everyone did their best under less than ideal conditions. In the end, it was obvious that Dr. Craig was correct.

His people are the best.

It would just be nice if he would let them know that once in a while.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Hunter 2.1 “Case X”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Hunter, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1991.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, we begin the second season!

Episode 2.1 “Case X”

(Dir by David Soul, originally aired on September 21st, 1985)

Adult-film actresses are turning up dead all over Los Angeles. Hunter and McCall have the case, and it does not take them long to see the pattern. The killer is sleazy photographer Tony Cochran (Leo Rossi), and the women are being supplied to him by former adult star turned talent agent Andrea Burden (Rita Taggart). Knowing who the murderer is and having the evidence to arrest him are two different things. After Tony murders his brother (Sam Anderson) and frames him for the crimes, it looks as if Tony might walk.

So, of course, McCall goes undercover. She joins the fitness club where Andrea works out and looks for girls. She poses in lingerie for Tony. (Just as in the first season, McCall going undercover seems to largely mean McCall wearing less clothes than usual.) And when Tony kidnaps her, it is up to Hunter to rescue her and fill Tony with lead.

In other words, the second season of Hunter opens in a style familiar to anyone who watched the first. Hunter is still a shoot-first rebel. McCall is still his continually in-peril partner. The bad guy still underestimates this violent duo. While Hunter and McCall solve the crimes and kill the villains, Bernie Terwilliger keeps trying to write them up for every infraction imaginable. In this episode, Terwilliger counts seven violations of police policy on the part of Hunter and McCall. I counted a bit more but maybe Terwilliger was trying to be charitable.

The one real change between seasons is a new commanding officer. John Amos has been replaced by Bruce Davison. As Captain Wyler, Davison wears a three-piece suit, never has a hair out of place, and bristles when Hunter refuses to follow orders. That said, Wyler congratulates Hunter at the end of the episode and tells Terwilliger to back off the ethics investigation. For once, Hunter has a boss who is not actively trying to get him kicked off the force.

The episode itself is pretty predictable. As soon as Leo Rossi’s name appeared in the guest credits, it was easy to guess who the murderer would turn out to be. Hunter is not a show about complex mysteries or shocking twists. It is a show about the chemistry between Fred Dryer and Stepfanie Kramer, and about the promise that the bad guys will be punished. This episode delivered on both.

Retro Television Review: Darke of the Night 1.1 “Who’s Been Sitting In My Chair?”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  This Thursday, I will be reviewing Darke of the Night, which aired its only episode on the DuMont Network in 1955.  The show can be found on YouTube!

This week’s pilot originally aired as a part of the Studio 57 anthology show.

Episode 1.1 “Who’s Been Sitting In My Chair?”

(Dir by David Butler, originally aired on September 10th, 1955)

Johnny Darke (Jack Carson) is the hippest and coolest DJ in all of New York City .… or, at least, he’s as hip and cool as anyone could have been in 1955. All through the night, he spins records and talks to “the ghosts” who are listening. His station manager (Joseph Kearns) tells him that his sponsor doesn’t like it when Johnny talks about ghosts, but no one tells Johnny Darke what to do.

Johnny knows that a woman has been entering his apartment while he’s at the studio, but he doesn’t know why. (What I don’t know is why Johnny doesn’t just lock his door.) Johnny suspects that the woman is Margaret Canady (Jocelyn Brando), who lived in the apartment before Johnny moved in. Margaret’s boyfriend, Vincent Marsh (H.M. Wynant), is on death row for murder, but as Johnny learns about the case, he sees it as a story about two people who love each other as opposed to a woman who fell in love with a killer.

When Vincent breaks out of prison, he steals a guard’s gun and tells the guard that he’s going to use it to kill Margaret. (That was nice of him.) The police come down to the radio station and ask Johnny if he knows where to find Margaret. Johnny says that Margaret is probably at his apartment. After the police leave (and, strangely, do not immediately head over to Johnny’s apartment), Johnny calls his place and Margaret answers the phone. Apparently, Margaret’s not very good at secretly breaking into places.

When Johnny hears Vincent arrive over the phone, he hops over to his microphone and gives a cryptic message to “the ghost in the big brown chair” that the ghost who has just arrived is not in love with her. Then Johnny goes to his apartment and talks Vincent down.

This was a pilot for a series that would have featured Johnny Darke getting involved in the lives of his listeners. Jack Carson is likable as Johnny, which almost makes up for the fact that the story itself makes absolutely no sense. Why doesn’t Johnny just lock up his apartment before he heads to work? The implication is that Margaret is sneaking into the apartment to wait for Vincent to return, but there’s also a scene where it’s revealed that she’s secretly living with the building’s landlady. That scene is never followed up on. As I already mentioned, the biggest plot hole is that the police don’t immediately head over to Johnny’s apartment when they hear that Margaret is there. If they’re so determined to catch Vincent and they know that Vincent is planning on killing Margaret, why does it take them so long to actually go to the apartment? It seems like that should have been their priority.

Interestingly enough, the pilot ends with Jack Carson stepping out of character and offering up some statistics on the value of records purchased in 1957 ($4,000,000 worth) and the number of radio stations in the country. Carson explains that DJs are everywhere and every DJ has a million stories that could be adapted for Darke of the Night. He then brings on two actual DJs, Peter Potter and Al Jarvis. Both Potter and Jarvis endorse the idea of a weekly television series about a DJ.

It’s odd but, in its way, kind of touching. Jack Carson just seems so earnest and sincere about his desire to star as a radio DJ! Unfortunately, it didn’t happen for him. The pilot aired as part of the Studio 57 anthology series and that was that. Carson may not have gotten to play a DJ on a weekly basis, but two years later he co-starred in Cat on a Hot Tin Roof with Paul Newman and Elizabeth Taylor. Carson passed away in 1963 at the far too young age of 52, but he’ll live forever wherever classic movies are appreciated.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 5.2 “The Con”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, the Bulls get a new quarterback.

Episode 5.2 “The Con”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on October 18th, 1989)

Following the murder of Doug Clayton (who, if I remember correctly, was still alive in last season’s flash-forward), the Bulls need a new quarterback. T.D. Parker (O.J. Simpson) is contacted by a former player who now works as a prison guard. Vito Del Greco (Chris Meloni) is the prison’s best quarterback. He’s been serving time on a manslaughter charge, but he’s set to be released. T.D. watches Vito throw the ball once and signs him.

Coach Denardo isn’t happy. “I’m not a parole officer!” Kristy Fulbright and Michael Westwood aren’t happy either. They want a big name at quarterback. T.D. believes in Vito but still agrees to put him on the inactive list. A previously unseen and unmentioned player named Lenny Santino is hired as the new quarterback.

Vito struggles to fit in with the other Bulls and to adjust to being a free man. Billy Cooper makes the mistake of singing “Jailhouse Rock” off-key and gets punched out. “Nobody makes fun of Elvis!” That night at a bar, Vito is nearly goaded into another fight. (His manslaughter conviction came from a bar fight.) He announces, “Del Greco is dead,” and leaves.

That weekend the Bulls play their first game of the season. Under Santino’s uncertain leadership they lose 41–7. In the owner’s box, Kristy wonders what happens when the Bulls lose. T.D. tells her that when you lose, the fans chop off your head. Well, T.D. would know something about that.

In the locker room, Vito approaches T.D. and says Del Greco is dead. His name is now Johnny Gunn, and he is going to be the new quarterback of the California Bulls. T.D. gives him a shot because “Johnny Gunn… that sounds like a quarterback to me!”

Meanwhile, Bubba is stunned to learn his wife is cheating on him. Zagreb is tricked into a phony stock scheme. It turns out Billy and Dr. Death set him up as revenge for Zagreb’s tell-all memoir.

After the Bulls went undefeated last season, it was kind of nice to see them lose this week. It’s always more fun to root for the underdogs. As you probably already guessed, the most interesting thing about this episode is the introduction of a young, intense, rather skinny Chris Meloni as Vito Del Greco, a.k.a. Johnny Gunn. Meloni even had hair. That’s how old this episode is.

Will Johnny lead the Bulls back to the championship game? We’ll see.

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 8.10 “By Hook or by Crook/Revenge with the Proper Stranger/Don’t Get Mad, Get Even”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Love, life’s sweetest reward….

Episode 8.10 “By Hook or by Crook/Revenge with the Proper Stranger/Don’t Get Mad, Get Even”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on November 17th, 1984)

Missy (Heidi Bohay) boards the boat with her husband, Jack (William R. Moses).  Missy is upset that Jack had an affair so she decides to even score by having one of her own.  She also decides that it should be with the biggest loser on the ship, the better to make Jack feel bad.  She selects Lester (Ken Kercheval), who is loud and obnoxious and wears an old timey nightshirt to bed.  Lester is convinced that he’s a legendary lover.  However, he never gets a chance to prove it to Missy because Missy ultimately decides to forgive her husband.  That’s probably for the best.

Consumer advocate Marvin Cooperman (Ray Buketencia) is upset when his wife, Carol (Jan Smithers), take an advertising job with the owner of Ms. Brown’s Brownies, Ellen Brown (Devon Erickson).  Eventually, Marvin realizes that he needs to stop devoting all of his time to work and that Carol has every right to pursue a career of her own.  Marvin takes over the Acapulco Lounge to let all the passengers on the ship know that he loves his wife and that Ms. Brown’s Brownies are the best.  I guess Marvin was meant to be a less evil version of Ralph Nader.

Finally, Judy is feeling depressed about her divorce.  When she falls for a handsome, bearded passenger named Mike (Patrick Wayne), it looks like she’s finally got something to be happy about.  However, Gopher worries that there’s something strange about Mike.  What is Mike trying to hide?  In fact, why is Mike using the name Mike when his actual name is Sam?  Could Mike be a criminal!?  No, actually, Mike is an FBI agent and he’s using a fake name so he can safely go on vacation without the cartels trying to assassinate him.  Gopher feels dumb.  Judy’s in love.  But seriously …. this guy has got a contract out on his life.  Don’t get too attached, Judy!  This story would have been great if Lauren Tewes was still on the show.  Pat Klous is fine as Judy but the character just doesn’t have the same sibling chemistry with Gopher and Isaac that Julie did.

This cruise goes in the pleasant but forgettable file.  There was nothing particularly bad about it but there wasn’t really anything great about it either.  It was The Love Boat on autopilot and the ocean was lovely.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.18 “Thicker Than Water”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the Pumpkin Man strikes!  It’s even dumber than it sounds.

Episode 4.18 “Thicker Than Water”

(Dir by Scott Lautanen, originally aired on March 21st, 1999)

A mob lawyer and his wife have been murdered, and for some reason the bicycle patrol is investigating the case instead of Homicide. When it becomes apparent that the lawyer’s son, Andy Jr. (Scotty Cox), has disappeared, Cory makes it her mission to track him down. This is yet another episode where Cory is willing to do whatever it takes to solve the case. Of course, in Cory’s case, that usually means walking around and glaring at people.

Cory discovers that Andy Jr. is with his real mother, a stripper named Angela (Angela Marsden). Angela was the dead lawyer’s mistress. When Cory tracks down Angela, she learns that Andy doesn’t know his father is dead, but he does know that “the Pumpkin Man” came to the house. Meanwhile, the FBI sends over an agent who is big and bald… JUST LIKE THE LEAD SINGER OF SMASHING PUMPKINS!

You may think that I’m making this up, but no, it’s very, very true. Andy calls the killer the Pumpkin Man because he thinks the killer looks like Billy Corgan. When he sees the FBI agent, Andy shouts, “The Pumpkin Man! SMASHING PUMPKINS!”

Because Cory is currently in hiding with Angela, the bicycle patrol decides to go undercover. Monica gets a job dancing at the strip club. Well, of course she does. Whenever T.C. says that someone is going undercover, that means Monica is going to be looking for clues while undressed. One of the more annoying things about this season is that Monica always does a good job while she’s undercover, but no one ever gives her any credit for it. Instead, the other members of the bike patrol just roll their eyes and give an exasperated sigh whenever Monica says something. If they have a problem with Monica constantly flirting with all of the bad guys, they might want to talk to T.C., since he’s the one who keeps assigning her to do it.

This episode was dumb even by Pacific Blue standards. I already mentioned that it makes no sense for a bunch of uniformed bicycle cops to be investigating a high-profile murder. It also doesn’t really make any sense for a bike cop to go undercover at a strip club. I mean, isn’t that what Vice is for? There’s also a moment where T.C. tells off the FBI for trying to interfere with the investigation. I think the FBI ranks higher than the bike patrol. Finally, the kid playing young Andy was an absolutely lousy actor, and that crooked FBI agent may have been bald, but he still didn’t look that much like Billy Corgan.

Someday I’m going to run out of Pacific Blue episodes to review. It can’t come soon enough.

Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell: The New Class 2.17 “Wanna Bet?”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell: The New Class, which ran on NBC from 1993 to 2o00.  The show is currently on Prime.

This week, we’re back at the ranch.

Episode 2.17 “Wanna Bet?”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 5th, 1994)

Uncle Lester and Cousin Clint are out-of-town for some reason and Screech has been left in charge of the dude ranch.

This is already the stupidest episode of Saved By The Bell: The New Class yet.

It’s up to Screech to set up the end-of-the-week square dance but when he gets to be too bossy, Mr. Belding refuses to work with him.  Screech tells Lindsay to tell Belding that he’s no longer speaking to him.  Lucky Mr. Belding.

Less lucky are the members of the Gang, who are hustled by two con artists and lose all of their summer earnings in a crooked poker game.  Megan has a crush on one of the con artists but she changes her mind when he refuses to give back the money.  Luckily, the sheriff is looking for the con artists so all Screech and Belding have to do is keep them from leaving the ranch, which they do by challenging the con artists to a poker game.  Screech is such a bad poker player that the sheriff arrives before the first hand has even been successful dealt.

Belding hopes that the Gang has learned an important lesson about gambling.  Tommy D swears that he’s never going to gamble again.

“You can bet on it!” Bobby says.

I think I lost brain cells watching this crap.