Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, it’s love and fraud all aroud.
Episode 8.17 “Ace Takes the Test/The Counterfeit Couple/The Odd Triple”
(Dir by Nell Cox, originally aired on January 12th, 1985)
Ace’s friend Donna (Teresa Ganzel) boards the ship with her macho husband, Gus (Christopher Mayer). Gus owns a moving company. The first thing he does is crush Ace’s hand while shaking it. Gus then beats Ace in an arm-wrestling contest. He then asks Ace to solve a riddle, requests that Ace read the bottom line on a menu, and he asks about Ace’s hearing. Is Gus jealous?
Actually, Gus is testing Ace because he and Donna want to have a baby but Gus appears to be shooting blanks. Gus explains that all of his brothers have at least six kids. Gus just wants to have one. Would Ace consider donating his sperm?
Ace does consider it but ultimately, he decides that he can’t. Fortunately, Donna later faints and, when Doc Bricker examines her, he discovers that she’s pregnant. Gus’s boys can swim after all!
Meanwhile, Susie Epshaw (Crystal Bernard) has a crush on Gopher but Gopher falls in love with Susie’s mom, Annette (Mary Ann Mobley). Susie is okay with it and good for her. Gopher was a little bit old for her. That said, Gopher falls in love several times a season so neither Susie nor her mother should get too excited.
Two strangers (Richard Gilliand and Erin Moran) both buy tickets from scalpers, just to find themselves booked in the Honeymoon Suite together. (Apparently, the couple that originally bought the tickets broke up before the marriage.) “Barbara” and “Lyle” pretend to be married and then they fall in love for real. They admit the truth to the crew and everyone is just fine with the fraud. As long as the tickets were paid for, the Captain doesn’t really care who stays in the Honeymoon Suite. That’s a good attitude. I was a little surprised to discover that the Honeymoon Suite was just a normal cabin.
This cruise was another example of the eighth season’s tendency to be, in general, pleasant but predictable. I laughed a few times at Ace being tested by Donna and Gus, just because of the contrast between super smooth Ted McGinley and the rough-hewn Christopher Mayer. Otherwise, this was a cruise that wasn’t bad but also wasn’t particularly memorable.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, Janet Leigh boards the boat and probably ends up wishing she hadn’t.
Episode 8.16 “Instinct/Unmade for Each Other/BOS”
(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 5th, 1985)
Leslie (Vic Tayback) pays money to a computer dating service and is told to meet his date Shelley in the lobby of the Pacific Princess.
Shelley (Conrad Bain) also pay money to the same computer dating service and he is also told to meet his date on the Pacific Princess. The name of his date? Leslie.
Uh-oh! There’s been a mistake! At first, the plain-spoken Leslie and the fussy Shelley just laugh it off and agree to enjoy the cruise. But then they both fall for Joan Phillipps (Janet Leigh). Joan tells both men that she loves them because she’s enjoying the attention. Eventually, Leslie learns that Joan has been making fun of him behind his back and Shelley discover that Joan has been doing the same thing to him. Leslie and Shelley agree to be friends and hit the New Yok singles scene together.
Uhmm …. okay, then. The main problem with this storyline was that it asked us to believe that Janet Leigh couldn’t do better than Vic Tayback and Conrad Bain.
Meanwhile, Emelyne Namackere (a very annoying Irlene Mandrell) boards the ship with the expectation that her long-distance boyfriend will be waiting for her. Instead, Neil Bonhoff (Bruce Penhall) shows up and introduces himself as a friend of Emelyne’s boyfriend. Neil explains that Emelyne’s boyfriend has gotten married and that he sent Neil in his place. Emelyne is upset but eventually she falls for Neil. She sleeps with Neil and then announces that she knows Neil is going to dump her because men don’t marry women who they don’t respect. (Yikes!) Neil responds by asking Emelyne to marry him. Emelyne says yes and then she discovers that Neil was lying about her boyfriend getting married. Sneaky Neil! But, as is so often the case on The Love Boat, Emelyne is eventually willing to overlook a history of sociopathic deception in the name of love.
Those stories were both pretty bad. Fortunately, the third story is a bit better. Isaac falls for Lynda Miles (Berlinda Tolbert), who is member of a New Age self-help movement called BOS. At first, Isaac just pretends to be into BOS to get Lynda to talk to him but soon, he becomes a believer. His new openness with his emotions makes his co-workers uncomfortable. It’s a very simple story but Ted Lange sells it. As for BOS itself, it sounds like a cult so I’m glad Isaac appears to be over it by the end of the episode.
This episode was pretty forgettable. Irlene Mandrell and Bruce Penhall had an amazing lack of chemistry and their story was almost painful to watch as a result. Janet Leigh deserved better.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Merry Christmas!
Episode 8.15 “Santa, Santa, Santa/Another Dog Gone Christmas/Noel’s Christmas Carol”
(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 15th, 1984)
It’s time for the Christmas voyage!
Assigned to hire a Santa Claus for the trip, Judy McCoy has finally managed to find one in the surprisingly thin form of Max Phelps (Ray Waltson). Uh-oh! Apparently, Gopher didn’t get the memo and he hired a Santa Claus of his own, Patrick Turney (Avery Schreiber). Well, this is awkward but surely …. wait a minute, who is that with Isaac? Isaac also hired a Santa Claus, in this case Shakespearean actor Malcolm (Scatman Crothers)!
How did this happen and I mean that sincerely. I guess I can understand Gopher having the power to hire a Santa Claus because he is the ship’s pursuer. But why is Isaac hiring people? How does the Captain not know who is and who isn’t being hired for his ship? And why didn’t either Gopher or Isaac tell Judy that they hired a Santa Claus?
These are legitimate questions but they really don’t matter. The three Santa Clauses are all wonderful in their roles and watching them try to outdo each other is actually pretty entertaining. This is a storyline that worked better than it had any right to, largely because there wasn’t a hint of cynicism to be found on The Love Boat. Most modern sitcoms would have made the Santa Clauses angry or bitter. But, on The Love Boat, three Santas are always better than one!
As for the other stories, Carol Kelsey (Kim Lankford) lies to her mother (Anne Francis) and tells her that Ace is her fiancé. Carol is just trying to get her mother off of her back. But when Carol falls for Ace’s friend, Noel Kane (Shea Farrell), Carol’s mother fears that her daughter is cheating on Ace. No worries! What can go wrong when you fall in love with someone named Noel on Christmas? Again, this is another episode that worked specifically because of The Love Boat’s utter and complete earnestness. It was goofy and it was perfect for a Christmas voyage.
Finally, Vicki is sailing with her dog, Tundra (played by the adorable Tundra The Wonder Dog). Because Vicki’s aunt and uncle can no longer look after Tundra and a boat is no place for a dog to live, she gives Tundra to a down-on-his luck stand-up comedian (Howard Morris). This was such a sweet story that it brought tears to my eyes. Tundra was adorable and he brought a lot of cheer to the entire boat.
Wow, Christmas in October! Happy holidays everyone!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! This Thursday, I will be reviewing Blood Ties, which aired its only episode on Fox in 1991. The pilot film can be found on Tubi!
Episode 1.1 “Blood Ties”
(Directed by Jim McBride, originally aired on May 27th, 1991)
In Long Beach, California, there is a thriving community of Carpathians. Eli Chelarin (Patrick Bauchau) is the patriarch, a businessman who builds skyscrapers, makes deals, and flies into a rage whenever he learns of anti-Carpathian prejudice. Harry Martin (Harley Venton), born Harlevon Martinescu, is the reform-minded journalist who thinks it is time for the Carpathian community to start mingling with the rest of America. Celia (Michelle Johnson) is Eli’s sultry sister. While Eli is making big business deals and Harry is preaching coexistence, Celia and the younger generation are having a good time.
And then there is Cody Puckett (Jason London), who grew up in small-town Texas and was barely even aware of his Carpathian heritage. That all changed when a group of Carpathian hunters (led by Bo Hopkins) killed Cody’s parents and burned down his house. Cody flees Texas and ends up in California, where he hooks up with his distant relatives.
Harry reveals to Cody that the Carpathians are actually vampires, but that does not mean what Cody initially assumes. Yes, the Carpathians are directly descended from Lilith, and yes, they do have a taste for blood. However, they are not immortal (though they do tend to live to be at least 120). They can go out in the sunlight. They cannot turn into bats. They cannot be stopped by a cross. A wooden stake only kills them because it would kill anyone. The Carpathians are stronger than the average human, but they are not super-strong. (Cody nods and then asks if Carpathians are better at sex than average humans.) In short, the Carpathians are vampires who do not actually get to do any of the fun vampire things. To me, that defeats the whole purpose of being a vampire. Harry and his relatives spend so much time scoffing at misconceptions about vampires that they seem to miss the point: vampires are only interesting as long as they are doing vampire stuff. Vampires that turn into bats will always be more entertaining than vampires who just happen to live a long time.
Blood Ties was a made-for-TV movie that also served as a pilot for a potential series. It is easy to see the direction the series would have taken. Blood Ties mixes 90210-style teenage antics with older adults debating the best way to protect their community. Eventually the Carpathian hunters show up in Los Angeles, and the vampires make quick work of them. Presumably Bo Hopkins would not have been a series regular. Jim McBride’s direction is stylish, and the pilot is well acted, especially by Michelle Johnson. That said, it is hard not to feel that the pilot sabotaged itself by focusing on how the Carpathians were different from traditional vampires. The film rather cavalierly dismisses a lot of things that most horror fans love about vampires. Making the characters vampires who are not really vampires just feels kind of pointless.
Perhaps fortunately, Blood Ties did not become a regular series. If nothing else, that left Jason London available for Dazed and Confused. It is a fair trade.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Welcome aboard! We’re expecting you….
Episode 8.13 “Paying the Piper/Baby Sister/Help Wanted”
(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 1st, 1984)
Cheryl Enicker (Rue McClanahan) is sick of her husband, button manufacturer Harold (Donald O’Connor), taking her for granted. When she gives him a watch that cost $1,200, Harold points out that, since she gets all of her money from him, he basically bought the watch himself. Cheryl gets upset and hands Harold an invoice, listing everything that she’s done as a wife and mother for 25 years and demanding that Harold pay her half a million dollars. That’ll show him! After the episode, I was kind of of curious as to why the invoice was only for half a million dollars. It seems like it should have been more. I did some calculations and discovered that $520,00 in 1980 was the equivalent of $2,000,000 today. Wow!
Recent high school graduate Patty Springer (Dana Plato) can’t understand why her much older sister, Eleanor (Jaime Lynn Bauer), is freaking out about Patty hanging out with Peter Barkan (Christopher Knight). Eleanor goes as far as to kiss Peter in order to make Patty think that Peter is cheating on her. Patty’s mother, Eve (Vera Miles), suggests that Eleanor should tell Patty the truth. Eleanor isn’t actually Patty’s sister. Eleanor is …. Patty’s mother! And Eve is actually Patty’s grandmother. Needless to say, Patty is shaken by this news but she accepts it by the time the cruise ends. The Love Boat was only an hour show so most cases of generational trauma had to be resolved fairly quickly.
Kim Carlisle (Michelle Johnson) is the niece of a friend of Captain Stubing’s. Kim shows up, saying that her uncle said Stubing would find something for her to do on the ship. Kim goes from department-to-department, screwing things up. She removes all of the labels from the wine bottles so she can wash them. She snaps a picture of a man cheating on his wife. However, when she starts doing aerobics, several passengers join her. Kim is hired to be the new recreation director and — WAIT A MINUTE! I thought that was Charo’s job! Well, apparently, Charo is out and Kim is in.
This cruise was pleasant but forgettable, which seems to be becoming the norm for season 8. It didn’t take me long to guess the big twist about Eleanor being Patty’s mother. Poor Dana Plato. Knowing what I now know about her life and what the future had in store for her adds a definite melancholy feel to this episode.
Tripp Spence (Harry Connick, Jr.) is a lawyer who cheated on his taxes. He goes on the run with his 13 year-old son, Derrick (Shawn Salinas). They settle in Las Vegas with new identities. Tripp now goes by Glenn Ryan and Derrick’s new name is Mickey. Because Derrick was given the identity of someone who was a year young than him, he is still eligible to play one more season of Little League baseball. Mickey leads his team to victory after victory and that’s no surprise. He’s a year older and a head taller than all the other players. Eventually, Mickey takes his team to the Little League World Series, where he plays a team from Cuba. Glenn knows that, with all of the publicity, the IRS is going to catch him but all that matters is that his son get to play in the big game.
I love baseball and I can get pretty sentimental when it comes to watching a Little League game. I tear up at both version of TheBadNewsBears. I also like Harry Connick, Jr. What I don’t like is cheating and it bothered me that this whole movie was built around a father encouraging his son to cheat. There wasn’t any reason why Mikey had to be thirteen. It wouldn’t have changed the plot that much if he had actually been twelve and still eligible to play. It’s one thing when major leaguers cheat by corking their bat or wiping something on their pitches. They’re adults and everyone knows that it’s a part of the game. But to encourage your son to cheat at Little League? That’s low.
Mickey was written by John Grisham, who loves baseball but who still should have known better.
The year is 1892 and Joseph Donnelly (Tom Cruise) is a poor tenant famer in Ireland, used and exploited by the wealthy landowners. Joseph falls in love with Shannon Christie (Nicole Kidman), the rebellious daughter of his landlord. Shannon dreams of going to America, where rumor has it that land is being given away in the territory of Oklahoma on a first come/first serve basis. Shannon even has some valuable spoons that she can use to raise money once they arrive in America. Joseph, after being challenged to a duel by the Christies’ money manger, Stephen Chase (Thomas Gibson), also decides that heading to America might be a good idea.
Life in America is not as easy as Joseph and Shannon thought it would be. They first end up in the dirty town of Boston, where Shannon loses her spoons and Joseph works for a corrupt political boss (Colm Meaney) and makes money as a bare-knuckles boxer. They’ll reach Oklahoma eventually but not before Stephen and the Christies come to Boston and Joseph ends up working on the railroad and getting called “that crazy mick” multiple times.
Far and Away was Ron Howard’s attempt to make an American epic, in the style of John Ford. It doesn’t work because Tom Cruise is too contemporary to be believable as a 19th century Irish immigrant and Howard tries so hard to push everything to an epic scale that it just makes it even more obvious how slight and predictable the movie’s story is. Far and Away is full of big movie moments but it lacks the small human moments necessary to really engage its audience. I will always remembers Far and Away because it was one of those films that seemed to take up permanent residence on HBO when I was growing up. I didn’t really care about the film’s flaws back then. Nicole Kidman was attractive and tall and she had wild red hair and back then, that’s all a movie needed to hold my attention. Unlike Cruise, Nicole Kidman can effortlessly move between historical and contemporary films and, of the two leas, she comes off the best. The movie is really stolen, though, by Colm Meaney, playing a ruthless political boss who could have taught Boss Tweed a thing or two.
Tomorrow is St. Patrick’s Day, when we will be celebrating the legacy of immigrants like the Christies and the Donnellys. Far and Away tries to pay tribute to their courage and their refusal to give up, even when things were tough and deadly on the frontier. For me, though, Far and Away will always just make me think of HBO in the 90s.
First released in 1988, Waxwork asks the audience with a very important question.
Let’s say that you and your best friend were walking to school one day when you suddenly noticed a gigantic mansion that you had never seen before, sitting in the middle of your neighborhood. And what if a tall, somewhat sinister Englishman (played by David Warner, none the less) suddenly appeared out of nowhere and told you that the mansion was actually a waxwork. And what if that Englishman than invited you to come to the waxwork at midnight and specifically asked you to come in a group of 6. Would you do it?
Now, I know that your first instinct is to say, “Of course, I wouldn’t!” That’s the type of answer that we’ve been conditioned to give because no one wants to admit that they can be as dumb as a character in a horror movie. But really, I would go. Especially if, like the characters in Waxwork, I was a teenager. (Actually, most of the characters in Waxwork are described as being college students but they all act like high school students and their college appears to be a high school so draw your own conclusions.) When you’re a certain age, you feel like you’re immortal and an invitation to hang out in a creepy building with a bunch of strangers at midnight feels totally reasonable.
Anyway, four rich kids — Mark (Zach Galligan), China (Michelle Johnson), Sarah (Deborah Foreman), and Tony (Dana Ashbrook, a year before he was cast as Laura Palmer’s boyfriend in Twin Peaks) — visit the waxwork at midnight. What they discover is that the building is full of macabre exhibits that recreate various moments from horror history. There’s werewolves, vampires, and Jack the Ripper. There’s also the Marquis de Sade, a figure that the seemingly innocent Sarah becomes fascinated with. And, as two of the visitors discover, stepping past the red rope and entering an exhibit transports them into an alternate world where they become the victim of the star of each display.
Not surprisingly, the film is at its best when imagining the world inside each exhibit. Each exhibit has its own backstory and its own set of guest stars. John Rhys-Davies shows up as a werewolf. Miles O’Keeffe is a properly urbane Count Dracula. J. Kenneth Campbell plays the Marquis de Sade, who the film imagines as a swashbuckling sadist. That said, I think the most effectively frightening exhibit was one that featured no special guest stars but a very determined and very strong mummy.
What’s going on at the waxwork!? As explained by Sir Wilfred (Patrick Macnee, bringing some welcome wit and style to the film), it’s all a part of a scheme to bring the most evil beings ever back into existence so that they can conquer the world. It’s important that none of the waxworks be allowed to enter the real world and soon, Sir Wilfred and his ragtag army are laying siege to the waxwork and bringing things to an apocalyptic conclusion. The final battle is a bit haphazardly edited and it’s impossible to really keep track of who is fighting on which side. (Indeed, I’m still not sure where Sir Wilfred even found his army.) But it does feature plenty of in-jokes for horror fans, including a cameo appearance by the carnivorous plant from Little Shop of Horrors.
Waxwork is entertaining film. It doesn’t take itself particularly seriously and, indeed, Mark, China, Sarah, Tony, and all of their friends feel as if they could just as easily have been found in the pages of a Bret Easton Ellis novel about pretty but vapid alcoholics. Mark is the type who gets his maid to write his term papers. Tony just wants to drink (but, because he’s played by the adorable Dana Ashbrook, he’s still the most likable character in the film). China says, “I do what I want, when I want,” when confronted about cheating on her boyfriend. Sarah is the “innocent” one but just seeing the words “Marquis de Sade” causes her to swoon. Dropping these four idiots into a situation where the fate of the world is at stake feels like a wonderfully sardonic cosmic joke.
In the end, the true pleasure of Waxwork is watching old pros like David Warner, Patrick Macnee, and the exhibit guest stars hamming it up. Macnee, in particular, seems to enjoy leading the final charge against the forces of evil and, indeed, it’s hard not to wish that he had even more screen time than he did. David Warner, meanwhile, rolls his eyes at just how difficult it can be to bring the 18 most evil figure in history back to life. It’s hard work but I guess someone has to do it!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing Half Nelson, which ran on NBC from March to May of 1985. Almost all nine of the show’s episodes can be found on YouTube!
(Directed by Alan Cooke, originally aired on March 29th, 1985)
I cannot escape Robert Reed.
Seriously! Robert Reed is one of those actors who seems to show up every week in my retro television reviews. If he wasn’t starring in The Brady Bunch Hour, he was guesting on The Love Boator Fantasy Island. And now, he’s the guest villain in this week’s episode of Half Nelson!
Reed, with his graying perm and his aging porn star mustache, plays Seymour Griffith. Griffith is a fabulously wealthy Beverly Hills attorney who is planning on becoming even more wealthy by stealing a valuable vase and selling it to a crooked antiques dealer named Morgan (Cesar Romero). Unfortunately, while stealing the vase, Griffith kills the owner. (Griffith is also having an affair with the dead man’s wife.) Somewhat inconveniently, for Griffith, the dead man was a client of the Beverly Hills Patrol! Rocky Nelson is on the case, both because he’s romantically pursuing the dead man’s daughter (Michelle Johnson) and also because Rocky believes in justice.
This week’s villains
The tone of The Vase is notably different from the pilot that preceded it. The Pilot had its comedic elements (such as Rocky continually borrowing famous cars from the studio) but it was ultimately fairly serious and it even ended on something of a down note, with Police Chief Parsons (George Kennedy) committing suicide rather than face justice for the murders that he committed. In the pilot, Rocky was definitely out-of-place as a New Yorker in Los Angeles but, at the same time, he was finding his way around his new town and learning how to fit in.
TheDeadlyVase, on the other hand, reimagines Rocky as a short, Italian version of Eddie Murphy’s Axel Foley from Beverly Hills Cop. Chester (Fred Williamson), who was a supportive boss in the pilot, is suddenly a bit uptight about Rocky investigating a crime in Beverly Hills. He even sends his newest recruits, Kurt and Beau (played by Bubba Smith and Hang Time‘s Dick Butkus), to follow Rocky around Beverly Hills and make sure that Rocky doesn’t offend any rich people with his New York attitude. This episode pretty much just duplicates the plot of Beverly Hills Cop. During one car chase, The Heat Is On plays on the soundtrack and it’s hard not to notice that the other musical cues are almost identical to the ones heard in Beverly Hills Cop.
Smith and Butkus aren’t the only new members of the cast. Dependable character actor Gary Grubbs joins the show as Detective Hamill, who is far less a fan of Rocky’s than Parsons was. Hamill shows up long enough to order Rocky to stay off the case and to get growled at by Rocky’s pit bull. Hamill also gets to have a conversation with Dean Martin about whether or not Frank and Sammy and Shirley MacClaine would be willing to do a benefit for the Beverly Hills police department. Dean is only onscreen for a few minutes but it’s still nice to see him there.
Joe Pesci, who was so strong in the pilot, spends most of this episode looking more than a little annoyed so I’m going to guess that he may not have been happy with the show’s new direction. About the only time Pesci seems to be having fun is when Rocky is hired to play a hot dog in a commercial. The director of the commercial is played by Donald O’Connor and yes, Pesci does wear a hot dog costume.
Joe Pesci getting dressed up like a hot dog pretty much saved this episode as the mystery itself was fairly bland and Robert Reed never really felt like a worthy opponent to Rocky. Hopefully, next week’s episode will be a bit of an improvement …. or, at least, let’s hope the show finds another excuse to put Joe Pesci in a hot dog costume.
Last night, Jeff and I watched the 1988 film, Slipping Into Darkness. It’s available on Prime and we watched it because it looked like it was good, old-fashioned revenge flick. The plot description said something about a former biker kidnapping the three women who he held responsible for the death of his brother. It sounded trashy and fun and you know what? It definitely is trashy and fun.
It’s also one of the most thoroughly incoherent film that I’ve ever seen.
If you were to ask me what I learned from watching Slipping Into Darkness, I would say that I was amazed to discover that it doesn’t hurt to get your fingers shot off. Seriously, one character loses his fingers and, just a few minutes later, he’s hitching a ride out of town. (Needless to say, he has to use his other hand to flag down a ride.) Even though he’s with his friends, no one seems to be too concerned with the fact that he’s just had several of his fingers blown off. No one says, “Hey, you want to go to the hospital before you bleed to death?” I don’t think it even occurs to anyone to pick up his fingers. They just leave them in a cornfield.
The other thing that I discovered is that some people can still do stuff for several minutes after having a switchblade thrown straight into their brain. I mean, I guess maybe that’s true. I’ve heard of weird stuff like that happening but it still seems like having a knife sticking out of your forehead would be a bigger deal than it appears to be in this film.
Just from reading those two paragraphs, you might think that this is like an over-the-top Evil Dead-style comedy, where the action is deliberately cartoonish. What’s strange is that it’s not. Instead, it’s a rather pretentious film from Nebraska that actually seems like it wants to say something about …. well, something. I mean, it’s either trying to say something about morality or the director just randomly decided to include several nuns standing in the background of several shots. You tell me.
Anyway, the film is about three best friends, Carlyle (Michelle Johnson), Genevieve (Anastasia Fielding), and Alex (Cristen Kaufman). Caryle is rich and self-centered. Genevieve is obsessed with sex. And Alex is just kind of there. When we first see them, they’re flirting with some bikers, who turn out to be less than ideal company. Later, after they get away from the bikers, they accidentally hit a dog with their Mercedes. Fortunately, the dog lives and they take it to the vet. They also take the dog’s owner, Ebin (Neil Barry), with them as well. Ebin is developmentally disabled so they take him to get ice cream. One jump cut later and Ebin is getting run over by a train. A coroner who announces that, when he died, Ebin was covered in ice cream and liquor.
Ebin’s older brother, Fritz (John D’Aquino), is convinced that Ebin’s death was no accident because Ebin didn’t drink. Maybe the ice cream’s a clue? After Fritz sees Carlyle returning the dog from the vet, he decides to kidnap the three friends and demand to know what happened to his brother. Helping Carlyle out are T-Bone (David Sherrill) and Otis (Vyto Ruginis), two of the bikers who the girls met earlier but who are now apparently unrecognizable because they’ve shaved and gotten haircuts.
Following this so far?
So, Fritz and his friends kidnap Carlye and her friends. And, at first, Carlyle and her friends don’t want to be kidnapped but then, about five minutes, the girls and their kidnappers are suddenly best friends and everyone just kind of forgets about Ebin. Genevieve and Otis go off to the cemetery together and, when the sun rises, it turns out that Otis has accidentally killed her during a sessions of rough graveyard sex.
What’s odd is that no one — not even Genevieve’s two best friends — seems to be particularly upset about Otis having killed her. Instead, they just bury her in a nearby grave and then they start do discuss how to best protect Otis. So, I guess the whole kidnapping thing has been resolved and no one cares about Ebin anymore.
However, it turns out that Otis is too paranoid to be protected. Running off to a farmhouse, he discovers an old farmer who has committed suicide. “This is a shit world,” Otis declares. Soon, everyone’s getting chased through a wheat field by Otis, who has commandeered a thrasher….
And the movie’s not over yet! But I’m not going to spoil any more of it. It’s on Prime and you can watch it for yourself. Slipping Into Darkness is one of the most incoherent films that I’ve ever seen and yet it’s such an incomprehensible mess that it’s actually a lot of fun to watch. The dialogue is frequently ludicrous and is filled with lines that sound like they were written by an Intro to Philosophy student trying to be profound. The film is full of jump cuts, which makes it increasingly difficult to understand how once scene relates another. It’s impossible to keep track of who is friends with who or who is investigating what because everyone’s motivation and mood randomly changes from scene to scene. At one point, Fritz is obsessed with his brother’s death and then, a few minutes later, he no longer seems to care. Otis feels guilty about killing Genevieve and then, in the next scene, he’s a giggling sociopath making crude jokes about necrophilia. Alex hates T-Bone and then she loves T-Bone and then she hates him and then she loves him and seriously, who can keep track? The entire movie plays out like a fever dream.
Interestingly, a lot of the film’s most important events take place off-screen. I don’t know if the director was trying to make a statement about the randomness of life or if she just ran out of money before filming certain scenes. “We just got arrested!” a character cries towards the end of the film before then adding that they also got bailed out. Well, that’s good. It would have been nice to have seen that but oh well. As long as everything works out….
What to make of Slipping Into Darkness? I have no idea. It’s on Prime. Go watch it, let me know if you can figure out what the Hell’s going on.
