Kim Friedman | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Love Boat takes a dramatic turn.

Episode 7.15 “How Do I Love Thee?/No More Alimony/Authoress! Authoress!”

(Dir by Kim Friedman, originally aired on January 7th, 1984)

As usual, this week’s episode features three stories. Two of them are very silly.

Betty White and Carol Channing play two Broadway veterans who are hoping to interest publisher Cesar Romero in Betty’s autobiography. Cesar is more interested in Carol. Betty and Carol collaborate on a book that is full of sordid lies. Cesar says he’ll publish it because “the hicks in the South” will love it. Carol announces that she is a hick from the South and promptly rips the manuscript in half. Good for her!

Alan Thicke wants his ex-wife, Michelle Phillips, to marry Fred Willard so that he’ll no longer have to pay alimony. However, when Alan discovers that Fred is a womanizer, Alan reconsiders his plans.

These two stories feel very familiar. They’re the type of stories that we’ve seen on many episodes of The Love Boat. They’re saved a bit because of the comedic skills of Fred Willard and Betty White but, in the end, they’re definitely on the silly side of the cruise.

But then you get the third story, which is not silly at all. Laura (Rue McClanahan) boards the ship with her husband, George (Dick Van Patten). Laura is an old friend of Captain Stubing’s and he’s alarmed when he sees that Laura has a black eye. Laura says she simply walked into a door. George laughs and says that Laura is a klutz.

Actually, Laura is being abused by her husband. George’s business is failing. George is jealous of Captain Stubing. George hits Laura in their cabin and it’s a shocking moment because 1) this is The Love Boat and 2) it actually looks like that Van Patten may have accidentally hit McClanahan for real. (Van Patten briefly breaks character, looking shocked, before quickly turning back into the angry George.) Stubing realizes what’s happening and confronts George. By the end of the episode, George is promising to “get some help” but it’s significant that Laura doesn’t leave the ship with him. One gets the feeling that she’s heard that promise before.

At first, it seems strange to have such an serious storyline playing out in-between scenes of Carol Channing and Betty White singing and Fred Willard leering at every woman on the boat but it actually works surprisingly well. The show makes an important point. Even on a fun cruise, abuse can happen. Abuse doesn’t take a vacation. And abusers can be the people you least suspect, like perennial nice guy Dick Van Patten. I have a lot of respect for this episode for dealing with a serious subject and doing it well.

This was an important cruise.

Love …. exciting and new!

Episode 6.24 “So Help Me Hannah/The Maid Cleans Up/C.P.R, I.O.U.”

(Dir by Kim Friedman, originally aired on March 12th, 1983)

This episode features Gopher bringing a CPR dummy on board. No one is that interested in learning how to perform CPR, at least not until one of the passengers, Dwaine Fenley (Steven Keats), has a heart attack. Fortunately, because of his CPR training, Gopher is able to save Dwaine’s life. Not only does this lead to Dwaine forging a stronger relationship with his father (Milton Berle) but it also leads to Gopher getting promoted to Head Purser.

(Erin doesn’t like to brag so I’ll brag for her and say that she is not only CPR-certified but she also saved someone’s life a few years ago. CRP is a good thing to learn!)

While Gopher is trying to get everyone to learn CPR, there are other things happening on the boat and, to be honest, they’re all kind of annoying. For instance, Hannah (Mary Martin) boards the boat and she’s immediately giving everyone advice and singing Cole Porter tunes. I kind of knew that this story was going to be annoying from the minute Hannah first boarded the ship and the camera zoomed in for a close-up, which was usually a sign that a guest star was going to spend the entire cruise overacting. That’s the case here, with Mary Martin delivering every line and playing every emotion as if she’s on Broadway as opposed to a television soundstage. Hannah meets an ex-boyfriend named Jarvis (Max Showalter) and they sing It’s De-Lovely while standing against the ship’s railing and, for me, it was De-Cringey. Maybe if I was of Mary Martin’s generation, it would have been less cringey. But I have to admit that I listen to most of those old songs and I think to myself, “De-lovely is not a word.” Hannah encourages Jarvis to allow his son (Timothy Patrick Murphy) to play piano instead of becoming a real estate agent.

Finally, a maid (Judy Landers) boards the boat because she knows that her employer (Caren Kaye) is cheating on her boyfriend (Ben Murphy). It’s actually a bit of a complex storyline, at least by the typical standards of The Love Boat. Personally, I like Judy Landers and Ben Murphy was appropriately rugged and handsome. Unfortunately, Landers and Murphy didn’t have much chemistry.

A mixed review for this episode, I’d say. I appreciated the CPR subplot because that was The Love Boat at its most well-intentioned. The whole thing with Mary Martin singing old songs was cringe city. And the maid subplot was just kind of boring. This was not a great cruise but it wasn’t a terrible one either. At least, after six seasons, Gopher finally got his promotion.