Retro Television Review: Homicide: Life On The Street 5.21 “Partners And Other Strangers”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing Homicide: Life On The Street, which aired from 1993 to 1999, on NBC!  It  can be viewed on Peacock.

This week, we discover that Daniel Baldwin will not be returning to Homicide.

Episode 5.21 “Partners and Other Strangers”

(Dir by Leslie Libman and Larry Williams, originally aired on May 9th, 1997)

A call to investigate what appears to be a suicide leads Pembleton and Brodie to an isolated house in Baltimore.  The dead man has been found with a shotgun in his hands and his face blown apart.  It’s not until Pembleton looks at the dead man’s ID that he discovers that the man is former Detective Beau Felton.

Played by Daniel Baldwin, Felton was originally a major character on Homicide.  He was the cynical, sweaty detective who had an affair with Megan Russert, a partnership with Kay Howard, and a marriage with a crazy woman who wouldn’t let him see his kids.  Felton is the one who Robin Williams yelled at for being an insensitive ass in the Bop Gun episode.  As the series progressed and the focus shifted from characters like Felton and Bolander to Pembleton and Bayliss, Felton was given less and less too.  Daniel Baldwin was fired from the series at the end of season 3.  Felton was said to have been suspended for his rowdy behavior at a convention.

The episode fills us in on what happened to Felton after his suspension.  He apparently retired from the force and then stopped returning phone calls.  He disappeared and everyone else moved on.  At first, the squad room wonders if they could have done anything to prevent Felton’s suicide.  Howard and Lewis (who lost his previous partner to suicide and who nearly lost Kellerman to the same thing) are especially hit hard.  We get several flashbacks to the episodes that featured Felton and we’re reminded of just how much Daniel Baldwin used to sweat when he was on the show.

Dr. Cox takes a look at the skull fragments and the blood splatter and she realizes that Felton didn’t kill himself.  He was shot in the back of the head and then someone tried to make it look like he committed suicide.  Pembleton, Howard, and Bayliss are now investigating the murder of Beau Felton and they’re getting some help.

Megan Russert flies in from France to offer up her skills as an investigator.  If I remember correctly, Russert was never that good of a detective but it’s nice that she showed up.

Detective Paul Falsone (Jon Seda), from the auto theft squad, says that Felton was working with a notorious group of car thieves.  Falsone wants to help the investigation for …. reasons, I guess.

Finally, Detective Stuart Gharty (Peter Gerety) shows up.  When we last saw Gharty, he was a decorated cop who was too scared to enter an apartment building to help out one of his fellow officers.  Now, Gharty is working for Internal Affairs.  He reveals to Giardello that Felton was working undercover and he was helping to uncover a crooked cop in the department.  Colonel Barnfather announces that Gharty is going to work with Homicide on the Felton case.

Even if I didn’t already know that Falsone and Gharty are going to become regular characters during season six, it would be obvious from the introductions they’re given in this episode.  Peter Gerety, who later played a sympathetic judge on The Wire, is fine in the role of Gharty.  But I can already tell that Falsone is going to annoy me.  Some of it is because his character is the type of cliche that Homicide has, to this point, avoided.  He’s a young rebel who gets results …. HIS WAY!  From the minute he shows up, he’s telling Howard and Pembleton how they should conduct their investigation and it’s kind of annoying.  I mean, who the Hell is this jerk?  As played by Jon Seda, Falsone mumbles the majority of his dialogue and he just doesn’t seem like he belongs on Homicide.

This is a two-parter so we’ll see how the investigation wraps up (or doesn’t) next week.  Oddly, I have to admit that Felton’s death didn’t really have the type of emotional impact that the show seemed to think that it would.  Unlike the lovably eccentric Crosetti, Felton was never really that interesting of a character.  Far more impactful than the squadroom thinking about all of the times Felton acted like a jerk was the scene where Pembleton followed Bayliss to his uncle’s home.  Later, Pembleton told Bayliss that he now understood why Bayliss has been missing work.  In the past, this would have led to a fight between the two of them but both Bayliss and Pembleton have grown over the season.  Pembleton apologizes for following Bayliss.  (“I’m a detective.  It’s what I do.”)  Bayliss opens up about how he’s struggling with the concept of forgiveness.  As always, the show’s heart is with Bayliss and Pembleton.

Next week, season 5 comes to an end!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.1 “The Fabolous Belding Boys”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Rod Belding comes to Bayside.

Episode 3.1 “The Fabolous Belding Boys”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on December 9th, 1990)

“You’re jealous of your own brother!” Zack snaps at Mr. Belding in this episode and you really do have to wonder how Zack was always able to get away with using that tone of voice with his principal.  Most students would end up getting expelled if they talked to any adult that way.

Mr. Belding really goes through the ringer this episode.  After the authoritarian history teacher has a nervous breakdown, Belding reluctantly allows his younger brother, long-haired Rod (Edward Blatchford), to teach the class.  Soon, Rod is throwing away the midterm exam and allowing the students to pick their own grades.  (Screech gives himself a B-.)  Rod also convinces the students — well, a small handful of them — that the next class trip should involve white water rafting instead of going to Yosemite like his brother suggested.

That Rod is one cool guy until he decides, at literally the last minute, to blow off the rafting trip so he can hang out with a stewardess.  “Cover f0r me!” Rod tells Mr. Belding.  “Get out of my school, Rod,” Belding says, not knowing that Zack has overheard the entire converastation.

Mr. Belding does cover for his brother by claiming that Rod has the flu but he also volunteers to take his brother’s place on the rafting trip.  Now, it’s already been established that Mr. Belding has no experience with white water rafting and apparently, he can’t even swim.  So, there’s a  good chance that the senior class is going to lose a few members over the weekend.  But for now, all that matters is that the school trip is back on.

Zack apologizes to Mr. Belding.

“Rod is the more exciting Belding,” Mr. Belding admits.

“We got the better Belding,” Zack replies.

Awwwww!

This is definitely one of the best episodes of Saved By The Bell.  For once, Belding gets to be something other than a fool and Zack is forced to admit that he was wrong wrong.  Dennis Haskins shines in this episode and, for that matter, so does Edward Blatchford as Rod.

As I watched this episode, I was reminded of that episode of Good Morning Miss Bliss in which Bliss’s mentor was hired as a substitute and did a lot of the same crap that Rod did.  On Good Morning Miss Bliss, the substitute was portrayed as being a hero.  On Saved By The Bell, he’s a self-absorbed creep.  The Saved By The Bell version is the better version.

It’s the better Belding.

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 2.14 “Big Monday”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, Mitch and Hobie scared!

Episode 2.15 “Big Monday”

(Dir by Gregory J. Bonnan, originally aired on February 10th, 1992)

Hobie has a problem.  A huge tropical wave is scheduled to hit the beach on Monday and all of his friends are looking forward to surfing it.  His friends all say that Hobie is “chicken” because he won’t take the big waves.  Hobie goes to Shauni for advice.  Shauni offers to help him learn how to be a better surfer.  Hobie wonders why he can’t be more like his dad.  Mitch isn’t scared of anything.

Actually, Mitch is terrified of that big wave.  Every time that someone mentions it, Mitch flashes back to watching a friend get washed away by a giant wave in 1961.  With a new wave approaching, Mitch is scared that the same thing will happen again.  Luckily, a visiting Hawaiian surfer just happens to be around to give Mitch an enchanted necklace.

Kaye, Mitch’s little-seen girlfriend, befriends a deaf girl on the beach.  She tries to convince the girl’s mother to allow her to enroll Kaye in a sign language class.  The girl’s mother is scared that her daughter will always be an outsider unless she learns how to read lips.  (One of the teachers at the school is played by future Oscar nominee Paul Raci.)

Will Hobie prove that he can handle the waves?

Will Mitch overcome his guilt over his friend’s death?

Will Kaye convince the mother to enroll her daughter in sign language class?

Yes, yes, and yes.  This is Baywatch.  Other than that lifeguard getting killed by a shark, there are no unhappy endings.

As for this episode, I’ll give it some credit for having one unifying theme.  All of the stories are connected by the theme of conquering your fears.  Actually having a narrative theme is definitely a step forward for this show.  That said, it’s still Baywatch.  Everything happens a bit too easily in this episode.  Yes, this episode says, fear is real.  But, if you stick around for 40 minute, your fears will magically disappear in time for the end credits to roll.

This was a silly episode but at least its heart was in the right place.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: Sledge Hammer! 1.1 “Under the Gun”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing SLEDGE HAMMER!, a cop comedy which ran on ABC from 1986 to 1988. The entire series can be found on Prime!

My friend Pat McCurry introduced me to Sledge Hammer earlier this year.  Starring David Rasche as Detective Sledge Hammer, this show was a parody of Dirty Harry and Hunter.  Since I’m currently reviewing Hunter on Thursday night, it seems only appropriate to review Sledge Hammer on Friday night!

Episode 1.1 “Under the Gun

(Dir by Martha Coolidge, originally aired on September 23rd, 1986)

“HAMMER!” shouts police Captain Trunk (Harrison Page), “YOU COULDN’T RESIST BLOWING UP A BUILDING ON YOUR WAY TO WORK THIS MORNING, COULD YOU!?”

Captain Trunk yells a lot but that’s just because he’s been put in charge of managing Detective Sledge Hammer (David Rasche), a San Francisco cop who talks to his gun and who is currently on suspension for shooting a robber at a grocery store before then buying some eggs and “those little cocktail weenies.”  When asked by a reporter if his response was too violent, Hammer replied that he really needed his groceries.

For the record, Trunk is correct.  Hammer did blow up a building on his way to work.  There was a sniper on the roof so Hammer pulled a rocket launcher out of the back of his car and took care of the problem.

Despite all of that, the mayor (John Vernon, who previously played San Francisco’s mayor in Dirty Harry) orders that Sledge Hammer be taken off suspension.  The Mayor’s daughter, Francie (Judie Aronson), has disappeared.  (“She was either kidnapped or she is just very good at hiding.”)  The police think that she was taken by the Allied Violent Offence Network (AVON), a terrorist group led by Weird Willy Luxley (D.W. Brown).  Weird Willy is so evil that his own parents gave him up for adoption three years before he was born.  The Mayor thinks that Sledge Hammer’s unapologetic embrace of violence is the way to go.

Hammer is assigned a partner, Dori Doreau (Anne-Marie Martin), an expert in negotiation and criminal psychology.  At first, Hammer is uneasy about working with a woman.  But, when he sees her beat up a man with a shotgun, he’s impressed.  “That was excessively violent and totally unnecessary.  I loved it.”  Doreau mentions she was at the top of her class in hand-to-hand combat.  “I’d like to fight you sometimes, Doreau,” Hammer replies.

Hammer promises to bring back “the mayor’s daughter, dead or alive.”  Reasoning that it’s usually a member of the family who is to blame in cases like this, Hammer arrests and interrogates the Mayor’s wife.  That gets Hammer suspended again but it turns out that Hammer was half-right.  It wasn’t the Mayor’s wife.  Instead, in true Patty Hearst manner, it turns out that Francie Flambo is a member of AVON and she arranged her own kidnapping!

It all leads to a shootout in a warehouse, as these things often do.  When AVON makes their ransom demand, Doreau is sent to deliver the money.  (She’s actually given a suitcase full of shredded paper.)  Sledge Hammer crashes through a skylight and lands on a box, grinning.

“Why are you smiling!?”  Weird Willie Luxley demands.

“I’m trigger happy, that’s why!” Hammer replies.

Soon, all of the members of AVON have been subdued and Francie has been arrested.  The Mayor offers Doreau a promotion but Doreau refuses to accept it because she feels that Hammer is not being given the recognition that he deserves.

This seems like the start of a beautiful friendship.

The first episode of Sledge Hammer may be 40 years old but it’s still feels relevant and the laughs still feel earned.  As played by David Rasche, Sledge Hammer is the perfect parody of every unapologetically violent action hero.  Though there are hints of attraction between him and Doreau, the episode makes it pretty clear that Hammer’s true love is for his gun.  At the same time, there’s something rather refreshing about Hammer’s total and complete lack of angst.  As I watched this episode, it occurred to me that Hammer would probably get as annoyed with Daniel Craig’s self-pitying version of James Bond as I do.

This pilot was enjoyable and funny 26 minutes of pure entertainment.  I look forward to reviewing the rest of the series!

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 4.6 “Lost and Found In Space”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Daily Motion.

This week, it’s not just the patients who need to be stitched up.

Episode 4.6 “Lost and Found In Space”

(Dir by Robert Becker, originally aired on November 13th, 1985)

Bobby Caldwell lives!

Things were looking pretty bad for Bobby last week.  As you may remember, he picked up a waitress, took her to his Cape Cod home, and then ended up getting slashed across the face when she pulled a razor blade out from under her tongue.  This week, Bobby is wandering around the hospital with a huge bandage on his face and telling everyone that he had an “accident.”  It’s only to Dr. Turner that he confesses that he was attacked by the waitress.  Bobby claims that he responded by punching her and that he then called the police.

Bobby spends this episode in a truly foul mood.  Not only does he have a bandage on his face but he’s also been told that the Hospital Review Board doesn’t feel that he’s performing enough surgeries for the residents to really get the training that they need.  (“We’re a teaching hospital,” Dr. Craig explains.)  Bobby pressures an old man into getting a face lift that he really doesn’t need.  Even Victor thinks that the surgery is unethical.  I mean, when you’ve lost Victor Ehrlich….

Meanwhile, Dr. Westphall is finally released from the hospital after fainting due to the Malaria that he brought back from working abroad.  Westphall is depressed about the whole thing.  Westphall is always depressed.  Even when his daughter comes home to help out, Westphall is depressed to see her.  Cheer up, Westphall!

After weeks of trying to lose weight, Elliot discovers that he’s actually gained three pounds.  What’s worse is that his girlfriend, Marcy (Jeannie Elias), lost weight at the same time that Elliot was gaining weight and, when she sees that he’s just as heavy as ever, she dumps him.

Amongst the patients, Pru Dowler (Amanda Wyss) and Buddy Askew (Mark Baker) are two developmentally challenged teenagers who end up “procreating” (as Luther puts it) in Pru’s hospital room.  Dr. Craig takes it upon himself to discuss what happened when Pru and it’s just as awkward as you might expect.

Col. Chuck Cochrane (David Ackroyd) is an astronaut who collapses while giving a speech.  In the hospital, he has nightmares about being trapped in space.  The whole storyline brought to mind The Ninth Configuration, a film that perhaps not coincidentally starred the future Donald Westphall himself, Ed Flanders.

The highlight of this episode was undoubtedly William Daniels’s performance as Dr. Craig.  With Dr. Westphall recovering his illness, the day-to-day tasks of running the hospital fell on Dr. Craig and he was not at all happy about it.  On this show, William Daniels is always at his best when Dr. Craig is in a bad mood.  Before going on rounds, Dr. Craig predicted that Dr. Morrison would show up late and have some overly complicated excuse.  Morrison did just that and it was hard not to smile at Craig’s exasperation.  At the same time, it is made clear that the main reason that Craig is upset is because his granddaughter has been taken away from him.  It was hard not to feel bad for him, even when he was biting everyone’s heads off.

This was not a happy episode.  No one in the hospital seems to be doing well.  Bobby is bitter.  Dr. Craig is angry.  Elliott is feeling defeated.  And Westphall …. well, he’s just Westphall.  Fortunately, the strong cast and the smart writing made up for the fact that St. Eligius isn’t a happy place right now.

Seriously, I could watch William Daniels yell at people all day.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Hunter 1.16 “Guilty”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Thursdays, I will be reviewing Hunter, which aired on NBC from 1984 to 1991.  The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi and several other services!

This week, it’s another violent couple of days in Los Angeles.

Episode 1.16 “Guilty”

(Dir by Michael Lange, originally aired on April 13th, 1985)

In 1979, Louis McMahon (Ken Foree) was convicted of murder and given a life sentence.  Six years later, he’s been paroled and …. wait, really?  He served six years for murder?  What the Hell, California!?

Louis is free and working as a cook.  When someone starts stalking and killing the jurors at his trial, Louis is the number one suspect.  However, before the killer strikes, he always calls his victims and rasps, “Guilty.”  Louis’s throat was slashed in prison and he’s now mute!  Or is he?  McCall suggests that Louis is faking being mute and …. well, yeah.  That’s what he was doing alright.

This is the most simplistic episode of Hunter yet.  McCall and Hunter figure out quickly that Louis is the murderer.  All the other cops refuse to take Hunter and McCall seriously because of …. reasons, I guess?  I mean, there really is no other suspect.  Louis is the one person who has a reason to what to commit the murders.  The only thing linking the victims is that they all voted to convict Louis.  And yet, once again, Hunter and McCall find themselves being told not to bother the obvious murderer.

Of course, Hunter ends up shooting Louis.  We haven’t finished the first season and I’ve already lost track of the amount of people that Hunter has shot.  While I am as concerned as anyone is about trigger-happy cops, I do have to say that everyone that Hunter has shot had it coming.  That’s especially true of Louis, who was an absolute monster.  Ken Foree did a really good job playing him.  Foree was so scary so that it kind of made up for the fact that this was one of the most predictable hours of television that I’ve ever watched.

Once again, Hunter and McCall save countless lives and they get no credit for it.  Instead, they get sent to park to arrest muggers.  As the episode ends, they actually catch one.  I was surprised Hunter didn’t just shoot him.

Retro Television Review: Almost Heaven 1.1 “Pilot”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  This Thursdays, I will be reviewing Almost Heaven, which aired its only episode on ABC in 1978.  The show can be found on YouTube!

This week, we take a look at a pilot featuring a few familiar faces.

Episode 1.1 “Almost Heaven”

(Dir by Bill Persky, originally aired on December 28th, 1978)

After getting into an argument with his girlfriend, college student Dave Leland (Robert Hays) accidentally drives his car off of a cliff.  One second, Dave is plunging to his death and the next second, he’s stepping into what appears to be a rather nondescript counseling office.

He is met by Lydia (Eva Gabor), who explains that Dave is dead.  (“You’ll get used to it.”)  Dave wasn’t bad enough to go to Hell but he also wasn’t good enough to win immediate entry into Heaven so for now, he’s been assigned to work at the Heavenly Crisis and Conscience Center.  Lydia explains that this is where souls wait until they’ve done enough good deeds to enter Heaven.  It’s Almost Heaven.

At this point, I yelled at the screen, “It’s Purgatory!  Get it right!”

Dave’s job is to watch Earth on television and to counsel anyone who he sees preparing to make a bad decision.  (The people who he counsels will be brought to the office but they’ll forget about it as soon as they leave, though Dave’s hopefully good advice will remain in their minds.  Got it?)  Dave’s coworkers are snooty Randall (Richard Roat), perky Annie (Laura Heineman), and future talk show host Danny (Jay Leno).

Okay, actually, Danny is not a talk show host.  Instead, he’s the character who seems like he’s cynical but who actually has a good heart.  In life, he stole cars.  In death, he helps Dave learn the ropes and he has an oddly flirtatious vibe with Eva Gabor.

Once Dave gets used to being dead, it’s time for him to talk Bridgett (Ellen Regan) out of killing herself.  Does he succeed?  Well, it would be a really depressing sitcom if he didn’t.

Almost Heaven was a pilot that was not turned into a full series.  It aired once, a few days after Christmas, and that was it.  Robert Hays was likable in the lead role and the supporting cast did the best they could.  (It’s obvious that he was more of a stand-up than an actor but, to the probable disappointment of Conan fans everywhere, Jay Leno is actually okay in this pilot.)  The main problem with the pilot is that the script is so jokey that the moments that try to be serious — like Dave convincing Bridgett not to kill herself — feel out of place and fall flat.  This is one of those pilots where you can imagine it actually developing into a good show but only if the writers eventually managed to settle on a consistent tone.  As well, they really should have called this show PurgatoryAlmost Heaven could mean anywhere.

Almost Heaven only ran for one episode but hopefully, Dave eventually made it into Heaven.  As for Robert Hays, he went on to star in Airplane! so everything turned out for the best.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 4.12 “Duty Calls”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

The season continues!  Can the Bulls hold on to their undefeated record?

Episode 4.12 “Duty Calls”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on December 21st, 1988)

Considering all of the time that I’ve spent complaining about how there’s usually very little continuity from one 1st & Ten episode to another, I really do have to start this review by giving this show some credit. This episode actually follows up on something that happened a few episodes ago. Harley (Ken Morrison), the kid that Dr. Death befriended in “Injustice for All,” shows up at Bulls Stadium and tells Dr. Death that his mother has abandoned him yet again.

Dr. Death tracks Frankie (Beth Broderick) down at a biker bar and tells her that she needs to go home and take care of her son. It turns out that Frankie hasn’t even told her new boyfriend, Deacon (John Benjamin Martin), that she has a son. When Deacon finds out, he’s offended that Frankie wasn’t honest with him. He explains that bikers are all about family. If Frankie has a son, that means all of the other members of the motorcycle gang have a son as well.

(While it’s easy to scoff at this episode’s mawkish dialogue and its simplistic handling of what looks to be a case of massive parental neglect, I do have to say that my Dad had his share of biker friends and, underneath their admittedly rough exterior, they were some of the nicest people that I have ever met.)

While Dr. Death is fixing a family, Gail (Shanna Reed) and TD Parker (OJ Simpson) are trying to motivate the team to win their 11th game by offering them a $900,000 bonus if they secure a victory. This gets Gail in trouble with the rest of the league’s owners, all of whom are worried that Gail’s bonus is going to harm their bottom line. Gail’s boss, Mr. Medford (Monte Markham), thinks that it’s a great idea.

That said, the Bulls are going to have a tough game. Two Miami gamblers (one of whom is played by a youngish Chazz Palminteri) bribe the temperamental chef at Bubba and Jethro’s bar to give the Bulls food poisoning! On the morning of the game, all of the players are feeling sick and — ugh — flatulent. Will the Bulls still be able to win the game?

Yes, they do.

How do they win the game? I have no idea. Coach Denardo yells at them and then, one jump cut later, we see that the Bulls are ahead on the scoreboard. All of the players are still sick and constantly having to run off the field, but somehow they still crush their opponents. Maybe they were just playing a really bad team….

(For a show about a football team, it’s always interesting how little time 1st & Ten devotes to things like strategy or play calling. We’re told that Coach Denardo is one of the best, but it’s rare that we ever actually see him coaching.)

As nice as it was to see Dr. Death reuniting Harley with his mother, the rest of this episode was pretty much the epitome of everything that bothers me about this show. Who are the two gamblers who poisoned the entire team? The episode keeps things vague, and I imagine that we’ll never hear about either one of them again. The gamblers will vanish, just like the team’s female placekicker vanished after appearing in one episode. There really aren’t any stakes in 1st & Ten because most storylines get abandoned only a few minutes after they start.

Oh well. At least OJ Simpson always killed it in the role of TD Parker. This episode finds OJ — or actually, TD, but we all know TD might as well be named OJ — talking about the beauty of an undefeated season. Maybe that’s why the team won. They knew better than to get on OJ’s bad side.

Next week: The march to the championship game continues!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 8.6 “Soap Gets in Your Eyes/A Match Made in Heaven/Tugs of the Heart”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Soon we’ll be making another round….

Episode 8.6 “Soap Gets in Your Eyes/A Match Made in Heaven/Tugs of the Heart”

(Dir by Bruce Bilson, originally aired on October 20th, 1984)

Years ago, Gopher asked Leslie Palmer (Dianne Kay) to marry him. Leslie turned him down, breaking his heart. At the time, she said that Gopher just wasn’t mature enough to marry.  He had no direction in his life.

This week, when Leslie boards the Pacific Princess, she sees that Gopher has grown up.… well, at least a little. As Gopher explains it, he has an important job, a nice salary, and a good pension. “People call me sir,” he says, and Fred Grandy delivers the line with just enough sheepishness that one gets the feeling he’s just as surprised as anyone by the fact that he’s finally gotten his life together. When Gopher again asks Leslie to marry him, she says yes.

Oh my God! First Julie got married and now Gopher! Is there going to be anyone left on the ship?!

Well, hold on. Leslie may accept Gopher’s proposal, but later she has a breakdown and apologizes. Leslie says that she loves Gopher but, “I’m not in love with you.” It turns out that Leslie is pregnant and she accepted Gopher’s proposal so her child would not be born out of wedlock. Gopher is surprisingly forgiving.

This was actually a sweet story, largely due to Fred Grandy’s sincere performance as Gopher. At the same time, it was hard not to miss Lauren Tewes while watching this story. The Love Boat always hinted that Julie was destined to end up with either Doc or Gopher. Pat Klous is doing a good job as Julie’s replacement, but she still doesn’t have the same chemistry with the cast that Tewes did. If Julie McCoy seemed like everyone’s sister, Judy seems like everyone’s respected coworker.

While Gopher was getting his heart broken, the recently deceased Jack Davidson (Bill Macy) boarded the ship with his guardian angel, Mr. Weatherby (Fritz Weaver). In order to get into heaven, Jack would have to commit one selfless act while on the boat. Jack met and fell in love with Blair Chapman (Juliet Mills). However, knowing that he was destined to disappear into the afterlife immediately after the cruise ended, Jack gently told Blair that he couldn’t get involved with her. That counted as his selfless act. As for Blair, it turned out that she was terminally ill and had only a month or so to live. Jack leaves the boat happy, knowing that Blair will soon die and be in Heaven with him. Only The Love Boat could present dying as a happy ending.

Finally, soap opera actor David Swick (Charles Frank) plays a villain on daytime television, but he’s a nice guy in real life. Melanie (Susan Blanchard) discovers this firsthand when she meets David on the boat and they fall in love. Unfortunately, Melanie’s mother (Jayne Meadows) cannot forgive David for all the evil things his character has done on television. This story was just silly, but at least Frank and Blanchard had a likable chemistry.

Though the season overall may have gotten off to a rough start, this week’s episode of The Love Boat was actually a pretty pleasant cruise. Fred Grandy got to do something other than just be goofy. Juliet Mills died .… okay, well that wasn’t pleasant, but at least she’ll have someone waiting for her in the afterlife. As for the soap opera storyline, it took me back to those summer days when I was out of school and I watched the daytime dramas with my mom and my aunt. Those were good memories.

I enjoyed this cruise! The Love Boat truly has something for everyone.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.14 “Inferno”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Bobby goes undercover!

Episode 4.14 “Inferno”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on January 17th, 1999)

TC is on vacation but, before he leaves, he tasks Cory with discovering who is selling heroin at a trendy nightclub.  To be honest, that sounds like a job for the Narcotics Squad but whatever.  Cory tasks Bobby and Monica with going undercover.  Monica starts to hang out at the club.  Bobby gets a job as a bouncer.  It’s amazing how the same two cops can somehow both patrol the same small stretch of land and also continually work undercover without anyone ever recognizing them.  Their presence at the club still doesn’t prevent a rock star from overdosing or an actor from later shooting himself in front of Monica.

Meanwhile, Cory and Amy ride their stupid bikes around Santa Monica and harass drug addicts.   Amy catches one addict and says that he hasn’t been looking too good lately.  Amy has only been a member of the bike patrol for a few months so why is she acting like she’s been on this show for years?  As silly as the undercover work is, Pacific Blue is still at its most ludicrous when it tries to make the bike cops look like a bunch of badasses,

Bobby’s ex-girlfriend, Rita (Heather Marie Marsden), turns up singing at the club.  Despite Monica warning that Bobby is making a mistake, he allows himself to fall for Rita again despite the fact that Rita is now dating club owner Gary Fein (Scott Paetty), the man who is suspected of being Santa Monica’s biggest heroin dealer.  Of course, it turns out that Rita is the drug dealer.  Eventually, Bobby has to kill his ex-girlfriend to keep her from shooting his fellow bike cops.  Bobby is almost as upset about that as Slater was over losing his salamander.

The episode ends with a Cory/Bobby conversation.  Cory asks if Bobby was in love with Rita and Bobby admits that he had feelings for her.  The scene suggests that Cory and Bobby are secretly a couple.  If I was Cory, I would be hesitant about dating someone who killed his last girlfriend.

TC returns and tells Cory that she did a good job running the department.  Cory thanks him and then looks sad as the episode ends.  If she really felt that way about Bobby, why did she send him undercover in the first place?  Why not send in Granger?  Actually, is Granger still a character on this show?  I haven’t seen him in a while.

This is a dumb show.  You already knew that.  This episode served as a reminder that, along with being dumb, no one on this show is particularly good at their job.  Bobby goes undercover and allows his emotions to get the better of him …. again!  Monica goes undercover and actually does a good job but Cory won’t acknowledge it because she hates Monica …. still!  Amy rides around on her bicycle and harasses people like a corrupt deputy in a drive-in movie.  The fact that everyone is on bicycles just makes everything all the more ridiculous.

Santa Monica, you deserve better!