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Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 7.22 “The Lady and the Maid/Love Is Blind/The Babymakers”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, it’s all about maids and bartenders!

Episode 7.22 “The Lady and the Maid/Love Is Blind/The Babymakers”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 3rd, 1984)

This week, it’s a busy cruise!

Dorothy Fielding (Luise Rainer) boards the boat and immediately runs into her twin sister, Maggie (also played by Rainer).  Maggie is working as a maid and she resents her sister.  But when Dorothy agrees to switch places with Maggie, Maggie gets to date the charming and rich Stewart Coolidge (Don Ameche).  This storyline features not one but two Oscar winners.  Ameche won an Oscar for his role in Cocoon, albeit after this show aired.  Rainer won two Oscars, back-to-back, in the 30s and then seemingly vanished from film screens.  Unfortunately, while Ameche is charming, Rainer comes across as if she would rather be anywhere than playing twins on an episode of The Love Boat.  There were several scenes in which Rainer spoke with Rainer.  They were obviously included to show off the show’s split-screen approach but, unfortunately, Rainer never seemed to be sure which direction either twin should be looking while interacting with the other.

Sheila (Jennilee Harrison) is desperately trying to get pregnant.  Doc mentions to her husband (Kim Shriner) that most babies are conceived during makeup sex.  Guess who starts a totally random argument with his wife?  This was a silly story but, to be honest, the main appeal of this show has always been its silliness.  Harrison and Shriner were beyond adorable.

Finally, Isaac’s blind friend, Darnell Hall (LeVar Burton), boards the ship and takes part in Isaac’s bartending school.  Darnell and Isaac also compete for the attention of Terry Cook (Shari Belafonte).  And before anyone says anything — yes, I know Burton played a blind guy on Star Trek: The Next Generation.  I don’t care.  As for who Terry picks …. well, Isaac is a regular character and Terry isn’t.  It’s not that hard to guess how things are going to turn out.

That said, I know what you really want to know.

Julie doesn’t do much in this episode but she does sound rather excited about wishing everyone a happy day in Mexico.  I’m going to say seven out of ten.

Brad reviews AN UNFINISHED LIFE (2005), starring Robert Redford! 

Posted on by Bradley Crain

Recently, I was sitting on the back deck of my parents’ house visiting with my family. Of course, when I’m around movies are always a topic of conversation, and my sister brought up the fact that she had just watched AN UNFINISHED LIFE and really liked it. My sister has always loved Robert Redford, and when she brought him up, it was fun hearing my mom get on her case about her long-ago recommendation of UP CLOSE AND PERSONAL, that came without the appropriate warning of the movie’s tearjerker of an ending. That’s a no-no with my mom, and we all had a good laugh. When my wife and I got home, we were browsing the Paramount Plus streaming service, and lo and behold, there was AN UNFINISHED LIFE, so it just seemed like the right time to watch it! 

The movie centers in on Einar Gilkyson (Redford), a Wyoming rancher who still hasn’t properly dealt with the death of his son about a decade earlier. He blames his daughter-in-law Jean (Jennifer Lopez) for the accident that killed him. When Jean shows up at his ranch, because she’s on the run from her abusive boyfriend Gary (Damian Lewis), Einar tells her that he doesn’t want her there. His heart softens though as she introduces him to Griff (Becca Gardner), the granddaughter that he never knew he had. This sounds like a setup for big-time melodrama, but director Lasse Hallstrom is able to keep things somewhat grounded as we watch this broken family attempt to reconnect. 

It’s time for a confession… I’ve never been the biggest fan of Robert Redford. Now don’t get me wrong, that doesn’t mean that I don’t like him. It’s just that he’s so perfect, maybe too perfect?! My favorite actors are not perfect looking human beings, but they do have an undeniable charisma and screen presence. Actors like Charles Bronson, Roy Scheider, and James Woods immediately come to mind. As such, I’ve never made it a priority to watch all of Redford’s movies, although I’ve watched most of his best at some point in my life. I will say that I think he’s excellent in AN UNFINISHED LIFE. He’s still undeniably “Redford,” but age has a way of evening up the playing field, and this performance relies on his ability to embody a character slowly opening his heart after years of shutting himself off. His scenes with his granddaughter are especially strong, without seeming excessively manipulative. I may look more closely into his later career based on his work here. 

I’m also not the biggest fan of Jennifer Lopez. I loved her in SELENA, the film that kickstarted her career, but other than OUT OF SIGHT and ANACONDA, I haven’t enjoyed much else in her filmography. With that said, I think she’s good here. Her character has made one bad decision after another since her husband died, but I can’t help but root for her to find some happiness. In real life, it would have taken a lot of courage to ask someone like Einar for help, and I do appreciate that she’s willing to humble herself for her daughter’s sake.

Have I mentioned that Morgan Freeman is also in the film in the role of Mitch Bradley, Einar’s injured ranch hand and closest friend? He brings his warmth and wisdom to the proceedings even though his character’s unique storyline, which revolves around being mauled by a bear, doesn’t always work. The characters played by Damian Lewis and Josh Lucas also don’t land that strongly. Lewis is Lopez’s abusive boyfriend, but his awful behavior is ultimately dealt with in a way that’s more cartoonish than you might expect in a serious drama. Lucas, who was born in my home state of Arkansas, is fine here as “Crane” Curtis, but he doesn’t have that much to do. 

The Wyoming setting for our story is beautiful, but it was actually filmed in British Columbia. My wife spent 18 years of her life in Wyoming, and it’s generally not as green as the “Wyoming” presented here. That’s just a minor nitpick, because for the uninitiated, the setting is beautiful and makes you feel like you’re part of a modern day western. There’s just something romantic and comforting about that, and the wide-open spaces seem to offer endless chances for a new beginning.

Overall, while I don’t think AN UNFINISHED LIFE is a great movie, I enjoyed watching it. It’s a movie that understands the importance of forgiveness by showing us wounded characters who are willing to open themselves up to imperfect people who are just trying to be better. At the end of the day, if any of us want meaningful connections to the people in our lives, we’d better be willing to do the same. 

Song of the Day: My Way, performed by Christopher Lee

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

A lot of people have sung this song, from Paul Anka to Frank Sinatra to Sid Viscous and Jay-Z.

Christopher Lee’s version remains my favorite.

… And now, the end is near
And so I face the final curtain
My friend, I’ll say it clear
I’ll state my case, of which I’m certain
I’ve lived a life that’s full
I traveled each and every highway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

… Regrets, I’ve had a few
But then again, too few to mention
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption
I planned each charted course
Each careful step along the byway
And more, much more than this
I did it my way

… Yes, there were times, I’m sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew
But through it all, when there was doubt
I ate it up and spit it out
I faced it all, and I stood tall
And did it my way

… I’ve loved, I’ve laughed and cried
I’ve had my fill, my share of losing
And now, as tears subside
I find it all so amusing
To think I did all that
And may I say, not in a shy way
Oh, no, oh, no, not me
I did it my way

… For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught
To say the things he truly feels
And not the words of one who kneels
The record shows I took the blows
And did it my way

… Yes, it was my way

Songwriters: Paul Anka / Gilles Thibaut / Claude Francois / Jacques Revaux

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 4.5 “Overkill”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

It’s time for another stupid trip to L.A.

Episode 4.5 “Overkill”

(Dir by Sara Rose, originally aired on August 23rd, 1998)

Jamie is learning martial arts from Master Soo Han (Yoshi Jenkins).  When she is saved from a group of muggers by a fellow classmate named Kyle (Matty Liu), she starts to fall in love with him.  Soon, he is teaching her how to be a better fighter.  For some reason, Jamie doesn’t tell Kyle that she’s a cop.  That makes things awkward when Kyle realizes that 1) the man who killed his mother is a student in the class and 2) Kyle is being groomed to be a government assassin.

I’ve always said that you can tell when a show has cast a professional athlete in a guest role because the athlete is always the worst actor in the episode.  That was certainly the case here.  At first, I was sure that Matty Liu was a professional martial artist.  It turns out that he’s actually a pro surfer but still, my point stands.  It doesn’t matter how many camera tricks or jump cuts the show uses to make Liu look like a badass, he’s still an amazingly stiff actor.  The scenes of him and Jamie falling in love don’t work because he’s not capable of showing any emotion, let alone love.

Speaking of love, Chris is still mad that her husband didn’t select her to be promoted to sergeant.  When she discovers a murder victim, she impresses Homicide Detective Thomas (Carl T. Evans) by figuring out that the victim died from a — wait for it — broken neck.  WOW!  Amazing deduction, Chris!  I mean, how difficult is it to spot a broken neck?  Even though Chris is neither a medical examiner nor a detective, Thomas invites her to fill in for a sick Homicide detective.  Chris accepts.

TC’s not happy about that!  Actually, TC’s never happy.  He’s been in charge of Pacific Blue for five episodes now and he hasn’t smiled once.  He has spent a lot of time glaring.  In fact, both he and Cory spend most of their time glaring at other people now.  I guess that’s what you do when you’re in charge,  management by glaring.

Finally, Bobby and Spazz compete over — wait a minute, I got a name wrong there.  What is Spazz’s real name?  Is it Granger?  Yeah, okay, sorry about that.  Bobby and Granger serve as body guards for a French actress (Lydie Denier), who claims that she’s being stalked.  Bobby has seen all of her films but she’s more attracted to Spazz, for some reason.  Sorry, Bobby!  I would have picked you.

Anyway, this was one of Pacific Blue’s dumbest episodes yet.  Chris is even more whiny than usual.  TC and Cory are useless.  Jamie and Kyle’s fight scenes are edited in such a way that one gets dizzy trying to follow them.  This episode featured bad acting and worst direction,  No wonder Chris wants to transfer to Homicide.

Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell: The New Class 2.4 “Blood Money”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell: The New Class, which ran on NBC from 1993 to 2o00.  The show is currently on Prime.

This week, it’s time to learn a lesson about giving blood.

Episode 2.4 “Blood Money”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on September 17th, 1994)

Megan is running the school blood drive but no one wants to give blood.  Mr. Belding tries to teach everyone a lesson by volunteering but he’s informed by nurse Penny Brady (Emma Caulfield) that he has high cholesterol.  Not only does Belding need to start an exercise regimen but he’s apparently too fat to chaperone the school’s hiking trip.

Not wanting the school’s butch gym teacher to chaperone the trip, Brian decides that Screech should be the chaperone.  However, Screech is depressed because he has a crush on Penny but he can’t work up the courage to ask her out.  Brian tells Penny that he’ll get everyone in the school to donate blood if she agrees to go out with Screech….

Ugh.  This is another Screech-is-in-love episode.  Dustin Diamond was nowhere near as bad during season 2 as he would be in later seasons but still, watching the previously asexual Screech date someone is not a pleasant experience.  Penny discovers that she actually likes Screech (why?) but then Screech hears that she was bribed to go out with him and he gets his feelings hurt.

BUT WHAT ABOUT THE HIKING TRIP?

Seriously, screw the hiking trip.  Why is this school always sponsoring a trip somewhere?  Just give people their diplomas and stay out of their lives….

Oh no, Tommy D’s previously unseen best friend was in a motorcycle accident!  And he has a very rare blood type!  Only Screech can save him!  Screech gives blood, everyone apologizes for setting him up, and Screech agrees to chaperone the trip and to continue dating Penny.  I’m going to guess that didn’t last since Screech ended up dating Allison while working at the country club over the summer.

Meanwhile, some poor biker has gallons of Screech inside of him.

What an episode.  The whole problem with the first season is that the students were not very likable.  Now, the show actually has likable students but all of the attention is on Screech.  It’s like this show just wanted to fail!

Hero Of The Day: Leo Kessler (Ten To Midnight)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

“Jerry, I’m not a nice person. I’m a mean, selfish son-of-a-bitch. I know you want a story, but I want a killer and what I want comes first!”

— Detective Leo Kessler (Charles Bronson) in Ten To Midnight (1983)

At first, Detective Leo Kessler seems like exactly the type of cop that you would expect to find in a film about a serial killer who knows how to manipulate the system to his advantage.  Kessler is tough, plain-spoken, a blue collar warrior who is trying to keep the streets of Los Angeles safe for citizens of every age.

“I remember when the legal meant lawful,” Kessler says, “Now, it means loophole.”

Kessler isn’t thrilled that his new partner, Paul McAnn (Andrew Stevens), is a graduate of Berkley and that he’s got a degree in sociology.  Kessler’s doubts are actually justified.  One of the first things that McAnn does is drop a wad of chewing gum on the ground at a crime scene.  Kessler also knows that Warren Stacy (Gene Davis) is the psycho who has been targeting young women and making obscene phone calls to his daughter, Laurie (Lisa Eilbacher).  When McAnn discovers that Kessler has planted blood evidence on Warren’s clothes, McAnn is torn about what to do.  “Forget what’s legal,” Kessler says, “and do what’s right.”

But here’s the thing with Kessler.  He may say that he’s a mean son of a bitch but he’s not.  He’s actually a pretty nice guy.  He even discovers that he likes and becomes a mentor to McAnn.  Kessler just doesn’t think that someone like Warren Stacy should be wandering around, free to kill.  Charles Bronson never gets nearly enough credit for his acting.  Leo Kessler isn’t just a touch cop.  He’s an old-fashioned guy in a changing world.  He’s someone who doesn’t understand why the system is suddenly more worried about the Warrn Stacys of the world than the victims.

He’s also a father.

Leo: “I hate quiche.”

Laurie: “Why did you get it?”

Leo: “I thought it was pie.”

As violent and exploitive as From 10 To Midnight is, I have to admit that I have a sentimental attachment to the film.  The difficult-but-loving relationship between Leo and Laurie Kessler reminds me of my own relationship with my Dad.  I see a lot of my Dad in Leo and I also see a lot of myself in Laurie.  There’s a scene early on where McAnn mentions to Laurie that she’s a lot like her father.

“You think so?” Laurie replies, “I don’t.”

That scene gets me every time because I’ve had people say the same thing to me about my Dad and I used to have the same response.  Everyone else picked up on it long before I realized it.  For all of Laurie complaints about Leo having always been too busy for her, she’s there to comfort him after he gets kicked off the force.  “I’m getting drunk with my old man,” Laurie says.  Leo replies that she’s not.

It’s rare to see Charles Bronson cast as a family man.  Usually, he played loners, the type of solitary warriors who seemed to have nothing in their lives beyond doing accomplishing whatever their mission happened to be.  The Death Wish films did give Bronson a family but they were all dead by the end of the second film.  10 To Midnight features Bronson as not just a tough cop but also Bronson as a father with an independent and intelligent daughter.  I think that’s the main reason why 10 to Midnight is my favorite Bronson films.

“No, we won’t.”

— Detective Leo Kessler

Bronson only fires his gun once in 10 To Midnight but he definitely makes a statement with that shot.  And after spending 101 minutes watching Kessler trying to stop Warren Stacy, there’s definitely something very cathartic about the simple brutality of the film’s ending.  Trying to analyze or understand evil, the film tells us, is pointless.

Sometimes, you just need someone who is willing to say, “No, we won’t.”

Hero of the Day

Late Night Retro Television Review: CHiPs 5.21 “The Game of War”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983.  The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week …. it’s jet pack time!

Episode 5.21 “The Game of War”

(Dir by Gordon Hessler, originally aired on March 14th, 1982)

While the members of the Highway Patrol try and fail to beat Harlan at chess, Peter J. Stoler (Clu Gulager) plots a prison break.  Stoler is one of the leading members of a group of former soldiers.  On the weekends, they engage in war games.  During the week, they plot to spring their former leader, Rascoe (Johnny Seven), from prison.  Peter has just received a jet pack.  Unless the Highway Patrol can stop them, Rascoe is going to fly to freedom.

Meanwhile, a process server named Darla Mason (Sandra Kerns) goes to ludicrous lengths to serve her targets.  She pretends to have car trouble.  She wears old person makeup.  She does whatever she needs to do to get her target to lower their defenses so that she can hand them their court papers and say, “You’ve been served.”  Process servers are a necessary part of our legal system but I’ve never cared much for any of the ones that I’ve known.  It takes a certain amount of cruelty to get close to someone just so you can give them a summons.  Darla is a fairly annoying character and I certainly wasn’t upset when Rascoe’s militia abducted her.  And when the episode ended with her getting served, it felt like poetic justice.

This episode was nothing special but it held my attention.  I mean, how can you not enjoy a little jet pack action?  Clu Gulager was actually somewhat sympathetic as the main bad guy.  Personally, I think Ponch and Baker should have let him go.  Just give him his jet pack and let him fly away.  He didn’t mean any harm!

Seriously, they should have given Clu his own show.

 

Retro Television Review: Crime Story 1.5 “The War”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Mondays, I will be reviewing Crime Story, which ran on NBC from 1986 to 1988.  The entire show can be found on Tubi!

This week, Luca has to prove himself.

Episode 1.5 “The War”

(Dir by Leon Ichaso, originally aired on October 7th, 1986)

Luca is in trouble.

Last week’s episode ended with Max Goldman on the receiving end of a beating from Noah Ganz’s goons.  Goldman survives and returns with a message.  Ganz is not happy that Luca tried to steal his book.  Bartoli, Weisbord, and Fosse all inform Luca will have to resolve the Ganz situation on his own.

Luca tries to get public defender David Abrams (Stephen Lang) to act as a negotiator for him but David doesn’t want to get involved in the mobster lifestyle that made his father rich.  David just wants to defend the poor and play sax in a jazz club.  When Luca is attacked while driving in Chicago, he realizes that negotiating with Ganz is a dead end.

Instead, he just kills Ganz.  In a bravura sequence, Luca shows up at a hotel and, with the help of sniper, takes down Ganz’s bodyguards.  Then he uses a bomb to take out Ganz while the latter is holding court in an elevator.  A plume of white smoke puffs out of the hotel’s exhaust vent.

Having taken care of the issue, Luca is welcomed back into the family.  Weisbord says, “Call me Mac.”  Fosse (played by Michael Madsen) nods and slowly smokes a cigarette.

Meanwhile, Torello’s wife miscarries.  This is the episode that features the clip of Torello walking down a lonely Chicago street on a rainy night.  (The clip is prominently featured during the show’s opening credits.)  In fact, both Torello and Luca end up spending a good deal of time walking around at night while David Abrams plays his saxophone.  It’s a scene that is so overstylized that it shouldn’t work but somehow, it does.  If nothing else, it reminds us that Crime Story of two dangerously obsessed men on a collision course.

This was a good episode, if just because it showed that Luca can be a clever criminal when he needs to be.  Before this episode, Luca seemed to be clearly outmatched by Torello.  With this episode, Luca proved himself to be Torello’s equal.

Villain of the Day: Emilio Barzini (The Godfather)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Emilio Barzini.

As played by Richard Conte in The Godfather, Barzini is far different from many of the other mob bosses that we meet over the course of Mario Puzo’s and Francis Ford Coppola’s Mafia epic.  He doesn’t yell.  He doesn’t threaten.  If anything, Barzini comes across as almost being a statesman.  When it’s time to broker a peace between the Tattaglia and the Corleone families, Barzini is the one who sits at the head of the table.  When it’s time to determine how the drug trade will be divided, Barzini is the one who offers up the “sensible” solution.  Barzini keeps calm.  He knows how to deal with volatile people.  He just wants to make sure that peace is restored and everyone gets a fair cut of the profit.  “We are not communists,” he says.

It’s after that meeting that Vito Corleone finally realizes that everything that has happened, from the nearly successful attempt on his life to the exile of Michael to the death of Santino, was Barzini’s doing.  Barzini perhaps a got a bit too clever for his own good.  By so coolly and efficiently brokering the peace, Barzini revealed that was far more clever than the “pimp” Philip Tattaglia.  Whereas Tattaglia was too crude to put together a coalition against the Corleones, Barzini was just the type of pitiless manipulator who could convince a group of otherwise powerful people to sign away their own futures.  Perhaps he was a communist after all.

Of course, most viewers (and readers) will have figured out that Barzini is the main bad guy long before Vito does.  From the first minute that we see Barzini at the wedding reception at the Corleone Compound, we know that he’s a sinister figure.  While everyone else at the wedding is being emotional, sentimental, and delightfully Italian, Barzini watches without a hint of emotion.  Indeed, the only time we see any real emotion from Barzini is when he smirks at Vito’s funeral.

After his goons unsuccessfully attempt to assassinate Don Vito, Sollozzo famously tells Tom Hagen that “the Don was slipping.”  And it’s hard not to feel that Sollozzo had a point.  Consider Vito Corleone’s track record in The Godfather.  He failed to teach Sonny the basics of being a good Don.  He promoted Tom Hagen to consiglieri despite the fact that Tom was viewed as being an outsider by the other Families.  When it came time to send someone undercover to investigate the Tattaglias, he gave the job to Luca Brasi despite the fact that everyone knew there was no way that Brasi would actually betray Vito.  He stopped to buy fruit, despite not being accompanied by his bodyguards.  Worst of all, Vito somehow missed that it was Barzini all along.  Vito was slipping.  He got complacent.  He failed to see how the world was changing and how the old honor system was being discarded.  That allowed him to be victimized by Barzini.

Fortunately, Michael was there to take charge.  Unfortunately, for Barzini, Al Neri was also there to put on his policeman’s uniform and wait for Barzini to exit from his latest meeting.  Barzini took several bullets to the back.  Barzini’s driver was caught in the cross-fire.  I’ve always felt bad about that.  I mean, the driver was just asking why he had been given a parking ticket and Neri shot him.  If nothing else, we can see why Neri didn’t make it as a cop.

Barzini and Vito had a lot in common.  They were both diplomats who could use violence when necessary.  It’s perhaps not a surprise to learn that, before he was cast as Barzini, Richard Conte was one of the many actors considered for the role of Vito Corleone.  How different would the film have been with the sinister Conte — as opposed to the likable Brando — in the lead role?

Luckily, Coppola made the right decision. Just as Brando was the perfect Vito, Richard Conte was the perfect Barzini.

Villain of the Day