Norma Donaldson | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!

This week, the computer goes down and Erik Estrada asks, “What’s a computer?”

Episode 5.25 “Overload”

(Dir by Robert Pine, originally aired on May 2nd, 1982)

Reni Santoni and Michael Anderson, Jr. play two thieves who hijack a truck that is delivering computer chips. When the truck is involved in an accident, an old woman named Nettie (Helen Kleeb) spots Anderson hiding in the trailer. She panics and flees from the scene.

Why do the criminals need the computer chips? Reni Santoni’s cousin (Denis Mandel) is a genius who has built a device that allows him to hack into other computers. As a test, he hacks into the Highway Patrol’s computer and rewrites their code. Suddenly, the computers at HPHQ can no longer be used to look up addresses. Bonnie is shorted on her paycheck. Getraer, meanwhile, gets paid a thousand more than usual. Ponch worries because he entered all the numbers in his little black book into the computer and now, he can’t get them out. Listening to him deliver his lines, one gets the feeling that Erik Estrada didn’t have the slightest idea what Ponch was talking about and, to be honest, I get the feeling that whoever wrote this episode was equally as confused. Myself, I’m wondering about the logic of using a work computer for that. I mean, what if he wants to call someone from his swinging bachelor pad?

Eventually, the Highway Patrol does track down Nettie. Nettie turns out to be one of the most annoying old biddies to ever appear on this show. Strangely, everyone at the station is charmed by her, despite the fact that she fled from the scene of a serious accident that was largely caused by her bad driving. Nettie should be going to prison!

This wasn’t much of an episode. Larry Wilcox looked miserable and annoyed from beginning to end and it’s easy to understand why he decided not come back after the fifth season. There are times when it really does appear as if he’s considering pushing Estrada off of his motorcycle. Sorry, Larry, but we all know what show this is!

Only two more episodes to go before we complete this season!

Oh my God, this is so bad.

The 1983 film Staying Alive is a sequel to Saturday Night Fever. That’s right, Tony Manero’s back! And, if possible, he’s even dumber than before.

Actually, that’s not fair. The whole point of Saturday Night Fever was that Tony really was not that dumb. He was poorly educated. He was a prisoner of his culture and his economic situation. If he acted stupid, it was because he lived in a world that distrusted intelligence. If he was selfish, it was because that was his way of dealing with his own insecurities. If we got frustrated with him, it’s because we knew he was capable of more than he realized he was. In Saturday Night Fever, John Travolta gave such good performance and Tony was such a carefully drawn character that we forgave him for the many times that he let us down.

But, in Staying Alive, Tony is just an idiot. Somehow, he’s managed to escape Brooklyn. He now works as a waiter and a dance instructor and goes on auditions for Broadway shows. He has no contact with his old friends. (He never even mentions the night that one of them jumped off a bridge.) He lives in one of those scary New York flophouses — apparently the same one that Travis Bickle called home in Taxi Driver — but otherwise, Tony’s doing pretty well for himself. The only problem is that Tony is now a complete and total moron.

That really is the only conclusion that one can draw from John Travolta’s performance here. It’s not just that Travolta gives a bad performance in a role for which he was once nominated for an Oscar. It’s that Travolta gives such a bad performance that he actually transcends the accepted definition of bad. He resurrects all the tics from his Saturday Night Fever performance but he goes so overboard with them that you feel like you’re watching someone do an imitation of John Travolta playing Tony Manero than actually watching John Travolta.

Speaking of self-parody, Staying Alive was directed by Sylvester Stallone. Now, I know that when you think of the ideal director for a dance movie, Sylvester Stallone is probably the first name that comes to mind.

As for the film itself, Tony gets a job working in the chorus of a Broadway show called Satan’s Alley and, wouldn’t you know it, he eventually replaces the male lead. Tony finds himself torn between the bitchy (and, somewhat inevitably, British) star of the show (Finola Hughes) and his long-suffering, on-and-off again girlfriend Jackie (Cynthia Rhodes).

Jackie, incidentally, is also the lead singer in a band. The band’s guitarist, Carl, is in love with her. Guess who plays Carl? Frank Stallone! That’s right, the director’s brother. There is a hilarious scene where Carl plays guitar while shooting a death glare at Tony. Frank really nails that death glare.

But, ultimately, the main appeal of Staying Alive is that we get to see Satan’s Alley, which is probably the most unintentionally hilarious fake Broadway show to ever be immortalized on film. Satan’s Alley is about one man’s journey into Hell and… well, that really sums it up, doesn’t it? If you asked someone who has never danced, never listened to music, and perhaps never actually stepped outside of their bedroom to write a Broadway musical, chances are that they would come up with something like Satan’s Alley.

And they’d probably cast Tony Manero as the lead!