I share this 1997 episode of Baywatch Nights every October because it’s just wonderfully strange. Two 900 year-old Vikings have been unfrozen and are causing chaos in Los Angeles! Who can stop them?
David Hasselhoff, of course!
(You can read my review of this beautifully odd episode here. Valhalla!)
Are there mole people living in the New York subway system?
Of course there are. Everyone knows that. Still, watch tonight’s episode of Freakylinks and find out for sure!
This episode originally aired on October 20th, 2000.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! This Thursday, I will be reviewing Ghost Writer, which was produced for Fox in 1990. The show can be found on YouTube!
Episode 1.1 “Pilot”
(Dir by Adam Rafkin, originally aired on August 15th, 1990)
Elizabeth (Leigh Taylor-Young) is the new wife of famous horror writer Anthony Strack (Anthony Perkins). Elizabeth and her daughter, Cindy (Juliet Sorci), have just moved into Anthony’s mansion, and it’s taking both of them some time to adjust. Anthony is a workaholic but, as he informs his new family, he’s not a psycho. Elizabeth is disturbed by the strange housekeeper (Pam Matteson) and the picture of Anthony’s late first wife that hangs over the fireplace. Cindy is creeped out by her stepbrother, Edgar (Joshua John Miller, who also played a teen vampire in Near Dark and the obnoxious brother in Teen Witch). After Edgar plays a few pranks and then runs off to the cemetery, Anthony realizes that, instead of worrying about how to finish his latest book, he needs to be spending time with his family. Anthony even takes down the picture of his dead wife. Of course, this leads to his first wife’s skeleton rising up through the staircase. She and Anthony share one final dance, and Anthony declares that he now knows how his book is going to end.
This was a pilot that was not turned into a series. I watched it twice before writing this review. The first time I watched it, it was pretty obvious to me why it wasn’t picked up. A lot of the humor fell flat, and Anthony Perkins, who would die two years after this aired, looked tired and unwell. Too many of the jokes were jokes only because Perkins was the one saying them. That said, when I watched it a second time, I saw that, for all of its flaws, the pilot was actually rather sweet-natured, and it probably could have made for a good series if the show had been given an opportunity to develop. Anthony dancing with his wife’s remains and then dedicating his book to her worked surprisingly well. That said, even on a second viewing, Perkins still didn’t seem particularly comfortable delivering sitcom-style one-liners. If ever a role called out for Roddy McDowall, it was the role of Anthony Strack.
I can see why this pilot didn’t become a series, but it did have potential. If nothing else, Ghost Writer is a more than appropriate way to kill 23 minutes in October.
Hey, kids! This week, it looks like Count Floyd has a real scary one! Sit back and watch this preview for Tip O’Neill’s 3D House Of Representatives!
(This blast from the past comes to us from SCTV and the year 1983.)
I really thought it was going to be a non-elimination leg.
With last week ending on a cliffhanger, I was certain that this week’s episode would open with either Doug and Dylan or Jodie and Jenn reaching the pit stop and Phil saying, “You are the last team to arrive. Fortunately, this is a non-elimination leg and you are still in the race….”
Instead, Jenn and Jodie showed up last and were promptly eliminated. Despite all of the attempts to use the magic of Amazing Race editing to make it look like they were neck-and-neck with Dylan and Doug, it seems pretty obvious that Jodie and Jenn were doomed by the jug-smashing roadblock. The lesson of their elimination? Don’t waste your express pass.
As for the rest of this episode, the teams remained in Morocco and had to complete three fairly tough tasks before they could move on to the Pit Stop. There are three teams that still have express passes: Michelle & Matt, Conner & Garrett, and Ali & Joanna. Interestingly, none of them used their express pass during this episode. All three of them appear to be saving it until they really need it. The express pass is only good for the next two legs of the race.
How did everyone do during this leg of the race? Let’s take it by the order they finished in:
Coming in first were Matt & Michelle. These two have developed a technique that works for them. Matt is laid back while Michelle yells at him. They purposefully declined to help any of the other teams. Personally, I think that was a smart move on their part. (It’s a race, after all.) That said, Phil sounded notably unenthusiastic when they were the first to show up. Phil always seems to dislike the teams that don’t help out.
Coming in second, for the second leg in a row, were Anuar and Andrea. They managed to come in second despite not having an express pass. I was pretty dismissive of this team when the season started, but I’m starting to think they might be dark horse contenders to make the final three.
Coming in third were Erin and Javi. After finishing seventh and eighth during the previous legs, Erin and Javi came on strong during the fourth leg. With them, it’s just a question of consistency. Can they keep finishing strong?
Coming in fourth were Daisha and Dalton. They had a good leg but, much as with Erin and Javi, it’s still a question of consistency. Did they get lucky or have they finally found their rhythm? We’ll see next week.
Coming in fifth were Conner & Garrett. Conner and Garrett have been a consistently strong team, despite the fact that they haven’t had a first-place finish yet. They’ve still got their express pass and they’ve got a good attitude. For all the nonsense about the Boss Lady Alliance (which, for the most part, seems to be an alliance where everyone helps Anne-Marie and Riley while Anne-Marie and Riley don’t help anyone else), it’s interesting that both Ali & Joanna and Dafina & Saran said that they wanted to work with Conner & Garrett.
Coming in sixth were Dafina and Saran, who burned off their Roadside Assistance advantage and really didn’t finish any stronger as a result. Dafina and Saran’s main strength is that they work very well together. In many cases, that’s the best advantage you can have in the race. But they’re going to need to break free from the bottom of the pack at some point.
Coming in seventh were Riley and Anne-Marie. I really can’t stand Riley and Anne-Marie. Everything about them just strikes me as being fake. Mostly, I’m just tired of them expecting everyone to “work together” at the roadblocks and detours. As Dafina & Saran learned, working together means that everyone helps Riley & Anne-Marie but Riley & Anne-Marie don’t help anyone else. For all of their “we’re strong, badass women” talk, their only strong finish was due to using the express pass.
Coming in eighth were Ali and Joanna. They’re strong and competitive, even if they did struggle during this leg. Conner and Garrett have made an alliance with them. I don’t know if I could be in an alliance with someone who won’t even stand for the national anthem. If you can’t be loyal to your country, why would you be loyal to me?
Coming in ninth were Dylan and Doug. I really like Dylan and Doug, but I’ve made peace with the fact that they probably won’t be around much longer.
Coming in tenth and last were Cody and Jaime. The siblings were amusing and I was touched by their desire to run the race for their mom. I’m sorry to see them go. This week, they just ran out of luck. Getting lost while carrying that carpet definitely did not help.
Next week, the racers finally leave Morocco and head to Albania! Judging from the previews, it looks like Anne-Marie & Riley are going to be upset because someone didn’t stick around to help them. I can’t wait.
And then there were three.
For all the time the show spent teasing us that there was going to be an extremely early merge, last night instead turned out to be a tribal swap. The two big tribes became—sigh—three very small tribes. I know that Jeff Probst loves the three-tribe idea almost as much as he loves the idea of having a hundred different idols in the game at once. Myself, I can’t stand the three-tribe thing because, inevitably, one tribe is always extremely weaker than the other two, and the smaller tribes make it easier for bullies to survive. Three bullies on a tribe of ten are a nuisance. Three bullies on a tribe of five are a majority. We discovered that last night when Jenna was finally voted out and Devin flashed his big smile.
Here are the new tribes:
SAVU:
DINA:
TOKA:
On the new Toka tribe, Kristin went out of her way to try to make herself useful and came across as being a bit of a know-it-all. However, that appears to have impressed Brady, who is a bit of a know-nothing.
On the Dina tribe, I have to admit that I was pretty worried about Lewis, who spent most of this episode dealing with a sudden illness. However, the main thing that happened on Dina was the sudden bromance between Eric and Kilby. It turns out that they’re both equally annoying! And they’re both into improv! Who would have guessed (other than everyone)? That said, Eric is coming on a bit strong and Kilby doesn’t strike me as being the most loyal guy on the island.
Finally, on the new Savu, Devin, Ori, and Jelly had a majority because they’re all members of the Helicopter Alliance. The minute they lost immunity, it was pretty obvious that Jenna was going to get voted out. The only person surprised by it was Jenna. There was really no reason to vote out Jenna, beyond the fact that Devin was too stupid to accept that she’s a wedding photographer.
As far as Devin goes, it’s hard to think of a more worthless player. He’s condescending. He’s rude. He thinks he’s a badass, but whenever his tribe goes to tribal council, it’s largely because of his own piss-poor leadership skills and the fact that he sucks in competitions. Devin’s an actor and, as such, he’s always on and he comes across as being very fake. And yet somehow, he’s become a leader. My hope is that the show’s editors are setting Devin up for a big fall because I really don’t want to sit through an entire season just to see this preening jerk end up in the final three. Then again, it would be satisfying to see him get eliminated due to a firemaking challenge.
And that’s it for this week!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.
This week, Lawrence Taylor returns!
Episode 5.7 “Blood Money”
(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 22nd, 1989)
Last season, Tombstone Packer (Lawrence Taylor) was introduced as a cocky linebacker from Arizona who bragged about how he was going to injure the Bulls’s quarterback. At the start of this week’s episode, it revealed that Tombstone is now playing for the Bulls but he’s still up to his old tricks. He leads the league in sacks and interceptions and he’s known for injuring quarterbacks.
Why is he injuring quarterbacks? It turns out that Michael Westwood is paying the linebackers bonuses for injuring players. However, when Westwood tries to shortchange Tombstone because he didn’t take out Texas’s quarterback until the final play of the game, Tombstone gets angry. He goes to the bar and complains to another drinker about not getting his money. That other drinker is McCarthy (Fredric Cook), a formerly great journalist who is now an alcoholic and desperate for either money or a story. He secretly records his conversation with Tombstone.
The next day, McCarthy shows up in the office of TD Parker (OJ Simpson). He tells TD that he’s going to release the story about Tombstone getting paid to injure quarterbacks unless the Bulls pay him $100,000. TD says that he needs time to talk to Westwood and Kristy before agreeing to pay that much money. McCarthy gives him three hours.
However, McCarthy also sends the details about the story to “The Sports Page.” Rumors starts to circulate. TD and Kristy go on a sports show and deny that anyone is getting paid an injury bonus. Meanwhile, Westwood confronts McCarthy and pays him $25,000 for the incriminating tape.
Without the tape, the story is dead. During the next game, Tombstone injures another quarterback and smiles about it.
Wow, what a dark episode. That said, it perhaps would have been more effective if Lawrence Taylor was capable of delivering his lines without looking straight at the camera. As I mentioned back when I was reviewing Hang Time, it’s always easy to tell when a professional athlete has been cast on a show because he inevitably ends up giving the worst performance. Taylor was a professional football player. If being a bad actor makes you a good athlete, then Taylor must have been one of the best on the field.
Actually, it’s not just Lawrence Taylor who gives a bad performance in this episode. Fredric Cook isn’t particularly effective as the drunken McCarthy. As for OJ Simpson, he delivers his lines with the bland, forced earnestness that epitomized his career as an actor. He talks a lot and you don’t believe a word he says.
This episode probably plays a bit different today than it did in 1989. Today, we know enough about concussions that it’s a bit disturbing to see Tombstone laughing about giving one to a quarterback. OJ says that the Bulls play “rough” but they also play “clean.” I have no idea what that means.
Hey, remember that time in 2007 when all the students at Toronto’s Degrassi Community School were turned into zombies? This 10 minute episode of Degrassi Minis takes a non-canonical look at what would happen to everyone’s favorite Canadian high school if there was a zombie apocalypse!
(By the way, this was made in 2007, long before the premiere of The Walking Dead.)
Enjoy watching Drake turn into a zombie!
Remember Freakylinks?
If you don’t, do not worry. To be honest, I had totally forgotten about it until, twelve years ago, my friend Janeen mentioned it to me. Freakylinks is a show that aired on Fox back in 2000. It only lasted one season and it was about this guy (played by Ethan Embry) who ran a website called freakylinks.com. It was a site dedicated to investigating the paranormal. I know it sounds like something else.
Freakylinks was produced by the same company that produced The Blair Witch Project. A few months before the show premiered, in order to try to create some Blair Witch-style buzz for the production, the production company set up a website called Freakylinks.com and designed it to look like it was just some ghost hunter’s Geocities-style blog. While the web site got some publicity, it didn’t translate into ratings and Freakylinks was canceled. However, the entire series was later uploaded to YouTube and below you’ll find a pilot!
Prepare to take a trip into the past, to a time when the internet was still a mysterious and powerful thing and people apparently didn’t realize that anyone with time to kill could make a web site.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
This week, Janet Leigh boards the boat and probably ends up wishing she hadn’t.
Episode 8.16 “Instinct/Unmade for Each Other/BOS”
(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on January 5th, 1985)
Leslie (Vic Tayback) pays money to a computer dating service and is told to meet his date Shelley in the lobby of the Pacific Princess.
Shelley (Conrad Bain) also pay money to the same computer dating service and he is also told to meet his date on the Pacific Princess. The name of his date? Leslie.
Uh-oh! There’s been a mistake! At first, the plain-spoken Leslie and the fussy Shelley just laugh it off and agree to enjoy the cruise. But then they both fall for Joan Phillipps (Janet Leigh). Joan tells both men that she loves them because she’s enjoying the attention. Eventually, Leslie learns that Joan has been making fun of him behind his back and Shelley discover that Joan has been doing the same thing to him. Leslie and Shelley agree to be friends and hit the New Yok singles scene together.
Uhmm …. okay, then. The main problem with this storyline was that it asked us to believe that Janet Leigh couldn’t do better than Vic Tayback and Conrad Bain.
Meanwhile, Emelyne Namackere (a very annoying Irlene Mandrell) boards the ship with the expectation that her long-distance boyfriend will be waiting for her. Instead, Neil Bonhoff (Bruce Penhall) shows up and introduces himself as a friend of Emelyne’s boyfriend. Neil explains that Emelyne’s boyfriend has gotten married and that he sent Neil in his place. Emelyne is upset but eventually she falls for Neil. She sleeps with Neil and then announces that she knows Neil is going to dump her because men don’t marry women who they don’t respect. (Yikes!) Neil responds by asking Emelyne to marry him. Emelyne says yes and then she discovers that Neil was lying about her boyfriend getting married. Sneaky Neil! But, as is so often the case on The Love Boat, Emelyne is eventually willing to overlook a history of sociopathic deception in the name of love.
Those stories were both pretty bad. Fortunately, the third story is a bit better. Isaac falls for Lynda Miles (Berlinda Tolbert), who is member of a New Age self-help movement called BOS. At first, Isaac just pretends to be into BOS to get Lynda to talk to him but soon, he becomes a believer. His new openness with his emotions makes his co-workers uncomfortable. It’s a very simple story but Ted Lange sells it. As for BOS itself, it sounds like a cult so I’m glad Isaac appears to be over it by the end of the episode.
This episode was pretty forgettable. Irlene Mandrell and Bruce Penhall had an amazing lack of chemistry and their story was almost painful to watch as a result. Janet Leigh deserved better.
