Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, we have a very odd cruise indeed.

Episode 7.23 “Side by Side/A Fish Out of Water/Rub Me Tender”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on March 10th, 1984)

When the ship’s masseuse abruptly quits, Gopher is forced to make a split-second decision.  He hires Dorrie Butterworth (Mandy Perryment) as a replacement but, because he had to do so at the last minute, he doesn’t get a chance to tell Captain Stubing about it.  When Stubing meets Dorrie and invites her to dine at the Captain’s Table, Dorrie assumes that it’s all a part of the job.  When Dorrie wants to give the Captain a massage, he assumes that it’s her way of flirting.  (Myself, I always find it weird that, on every cruise, the Captain always seems to be struggling to find a date.  I mean, he’s the Captain!)  Gopher is worried that he’ll get in trouble for hiring Dorrie without telling the Captain ahead of time.  Instead, once Captain Stubing learns the truth, Dorrie is hired full time.

Yay!  Dorrie’s a new member of the crew!  I wonder if we’ll ever see her again.  Probably not.

(Don’t laugh.  Ace joined the crew two episodes ago but he’s nowhere to be seen in this episode.)

Edna Miles (Glynis Johns) boards the ship with her teenage grandson, Toby (Rossie Harris).  Everyone is charmed by how attentive Toby is to his grandmother.  Toby tells Doc that his grandmother is dying and he wants her to enjoy her final days.  However, when Doc talks to Edna, she reveals the truth.  Toby is the one who is dying, though he doesn’t realize it.  I’m not sure how you wouldn’t realize that but whatever. It was a sad and sweet development.  Toby thought he was comforting his grandmother during her final days but instead the opposite was true.  Still, someone really should let Toby know the truth at some point….

Finally, Allen (Ed Begley, Jr.) boards the ship and confesses to Isaac that he doesn’t know how to talk to women.  Isaac assures him that everyone finds love on the Love Boat.  After recovering from an accidental blow to the head, Allen wanders into the ship’s cargo hold and discovers that there’s a mermaid named Cora (Mary Crosby) being transported in a crate.  Allen sets Cora free and they have a nice romance on the boat.  But when Allen realizes that Cora is going to die if she doesn’t get back in the water, he tosses her overboard.

And then he wakes up!  It turns out that it was all a dream!  Wait — does that mean everything else that happened on this episode was just a dream as well?  Maybe that kid really isn’t dying!  Unfortunately, it turns out that the kid is still dying but Allen does meet a woman who looks just like Cora, except she’s not a mermaid.

Not many shows would have the courage to combine a story about a terminally ill child with a comedy about a shy man and a mermaid.  The Love Boat, however, did.  This was an odd episode.  The tone was all over the place.  The kid made me want to cry and the mermaid thing made me laugh because, even when it came to something as silly as this, Ed Begley, Jr. knew how to deliver a comedic line.  The two stories should not have existed anywhere near each other but they did.

As a result, this was a great cruise!  Seriously, The Love Boat is at its best when it breaks the rules.

Finally, I should slso note that, on the How Coked Up Was Julie Scale, this episode scores only a 5 out of 10.  Who needs cocaine when you’ve got mermaids and terminal illnesses to deal with?