JoAnna Garcia Swisher – Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, Pacific Blue explores the dark side!

Episode 4.21 “Lucky 13”

(Dir by Emily Skopov, originally aired on April 18th, 1999)

A murder at an occult shop leaves two witches dead. Another witch is found barely alive on the beach, her body branded with alchemical signs. The bike cops are dumbfounded. I’m confused as to why there aren’t any Homicide detectives around. And Granger …. well, Granger’s freaking out because he’s been having nightmares about his dead friend, Tim.

In this episode, Granger reveals that he knows a lot about occult symbols. When TC demands to know why Granger knows so much (as if it’s any of TC’s business), Granger explains that he used to be into Satanism. Obviously, this means that Granger can’t go undercover in this case. As Cory puts it, it would be like sending a junkie into a drug den. So, Jamie is the one who gets a job working at the occult shop and pretending to be into Satanism.

How bad is Jamie at working undercover? Well, let’s ignore the fact that there’s no way in Hell anyone would ever believe that bland, boring, mild-mannered Jamie is into the occult. Instead, let’s talk about the fact that, at one point, Jamie stands in the middle of an aisle of the occult store, where anyone could hear her, and she calls Granger to tell him everything that she’s overheard. Seriously, she couldn’t step outside to do that? Later, when Granger unexpectedly show’s up at the Witch’s Brew coffeehouse, Jamie confront him by loudly asking, “Are you trying to take my case!?” despite the fact that they’re surrounded by the people that Jamie is supposed to be secretly investigating.

This really is a terrible episode for Jamie. When Granger is feeling guilty over the death of Tim (who died shortly after Granger convinced him to give his soul to the Devil), Jamie tells him to stop it with the “self-pity.” Uhmm, Jamie …. didn’t we just spend two episodes listening to you going on and on about growing up in the foster system? Jamie’s not in a position to talk. Jamie then ends up sleeping with Granger, though the show suggests that Jamie’s actions were largely due to the influence of being around magic.

Anyway, it turns out the Satanists are planning on sacrificing a virgin witch on “Lucifer’s birthday.” Granger knows that he has to stop this sacrifice on his own so he gives his superiors a fake address to go to. Then Granger goes to the real sacrifice. Fortunately, Bobby Cruz follows him and shows up in time to help Granger shoot the bad Satanists and save the virgin’s life.

(For all the slut-shaming that goes on in this country, it’s not the sluts who end up getting sacrificed in stupid occult rituals. Promiscuity can save your life.)

With Bobby’s encouragement, Granger goes to Confession. “It’s been seven years since my last confession….” Uh-oh, this could take a while!

This episode deserves some credit for finally giving Granger a backstory. That said, this episode featured some of the least convincing occultists that I’ve ever seen and some of the lamest metaphysical dialogue this side of Baywatch Nights. Actually, if this had been an episode of Baywatch Nights, it would have been a lot more fun. As it is, it’s hard to buy into the idea that the forces of darkness could be defeated by a bunch of bicycle cops.

At one point, Bobby says that too many people have died because of pentagrams. Monica points at his crucifix and asks, “What about the Crusades?” I always find it funny how people seem to think that bringing up something that happened during the Middle Ages is some sort of flex. Bobby could have just as easily replied, “What about Baal worship, you heathen!?” I’m a little upset that he didn’t. That would have been fun.

Oh well. At least this episode had a horror theme. October is just a day away!

In 2o13’s The Internship, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn play Nick and Billy, two longtime salesman who, having lost their jobs, apply for an internship at Google. Despite there not being any logical reason for either one of them to be given a spot, Nick and Billy are accepted. Suddenly, these two middle-aged guys who know next to nothing about programming or the Internet find themselves at the Google campus. Teaming up with a group of much younger outcasts (albeit very smart outcasts), Nick and Billy compete for a job at Google.

(Personally, the only job I would want at Google would be designing the Google Doodle.)

At first, no one is happy about having to work with Nick and Billy. Nick and Billy are adults, the type who still use landline phones and wonder why the kids are so obsessed with looking at a little screen. They’re loud. They make crude jokes and they don’t understand stuff like safe spaces. They fall for obvious pranks, like being sent to a college campus to track down “Professor Charles Xavier.” This leads to them both getting knocked out by a bald man in a wheelchair. “Professor Xavier’s a total dick!” Billy gasps.

Eventually, though, Nick and Billy start to win everyone over. Their old school competitiveness comes in handy during a game of Quidditch. They know how to talk to women at bars. They know how to appeal to someone running an old-fashioned business. But will that be enough to win them a job at Google?

Back when the Onion was funny, one of their best headlines was ‘The Internship’ Poised To Be Biggest Comedy Of 2005! The joke, of course, was that the film was coming out in 2013. The headline worked because it was true. The film felt very much out-of-place in the world of 2013. The majority of the film’s humor came from Nick and Billy not really knowing what Google was but, by 2013, even the most cranky of boomer grandparents were using Google to search for their Facebook password. Nick and Billy were not boomers. They may have been older than the other interns but still, it’s hard to believe that two guys in their mid-40s would be that clueless about everything from the Internet to the identity of Charles Xavier. I mean, the X-Men movies were kind of a big deal.

The other thig that dated the film was its portrayal of Google as essentially just being a fun playground full of nerdy prodigies who just needed someone to teach them how to party. By 2013, everyone knew that Google was a powerful and somewhat intimidating company. Indeed, at its weakest, the film basically feels like a 2-hour commercial for Google. Never mind that, by 2013, Google was so big and omnipresent that it really didn’t need to advertise.

So, with all that in mind, why do I find myself watching this movie whenever I happen to come across it? First off, as uneven as the movie is, it is funny. The Quidditch scene did make me laugh. John Goodman’s and Will Ferrell’s unhinged cameos made me laugh, almost despite myself. The scene where Nick and Billy annoy the group by misinterpreting what is meant by “coding” made me laugh, if just because of how bizarrely enthusiastic Nick and Billy were when they convinced themselves that their internship director was a Jeff Goldblum fan. (It makes no sense but just go with it.) Most importantly, Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn made me laugh. There was absolutely no way to make it plausible that Nick and Billy would be that clueless about technology but Wilson and Vaughn really threw themselves into their roles and, as a result, I’m always willing to forgive some of the film’s missteps. The mix of Vaughn’s overage frat boy goofiness and Wilson’s mellow spaciness always makes me laugh more than it probably should. They’re a good comedic team and they’re both just so damn earnest in this movie that it works a lot better than it really should. In the end, you do find yourself rooting for them. They’re two hard-workers who like to play hard and who have the courage to reinvent themselves. What’s more American than that?

(Even more importantly, when you come across the film on cable, you’re free to pretend that it actually came out in 2005, back when the plot would have actually made more sense.)

If any film lives up to the term guilty pleasure, it’s The Internship.

Previous Guilty Pleasures