Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 5.5 “Love and Marriage”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, OJ Simpson falls for a blonde.  Uh-oh.

Episode 5.5 “Love and Marriage”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 8th, 1989)

TD Parker (OJ Simpson) and Kristy Fullbright (Shannon Tweed) end up working closely together while searching for a new punter.  Kristy is in the process of getting a divorce from her husband.  TD is already divorced and has been chasing after almost every woman that he sees.  Still, TD doesn’t know if he should get involved with someone with whom he works.  Kristy, meanwhile, isn’t sure that she isn’t still in love with her husband….

Meanwhile, Zagreb goes on a dating show but is humiliated when his date, Colleen (Mitzi Kapture), says that he was a terrible date whose breath smelled like garlic.  The entire team watches the show and starts to chant, “Colleen!  Colleen!”  Ha hah, everyone hates Zagreb.  Later, Colleen approaches Zagreb at the bar and tells him that the show told her to say a lot of negative stuff about Zagreb but, actually, she wants to date him again.  Isn’t Zagreb married?  I remember that there was a huge storyline about him getting married during the third season.

Finally, Bubba and Jethro are taken to small claims court over an incident that happened at the bar.  Jethro decides that he would like to get together with the plaintiff.

But let’s get back to OJ Simpson and Shannon Tweed.  I don’t know if I can express just how boring it is to watch two mid actors with zero screen presence fall for each other.  Because it’s impossible to look at TD Parker and not see OJ Simpson, I found myself getting very worried as I watched TD obsess on an emotionally fragile blonde.  At the end of the episode, it looks like TD and Kristy are finally going to hook up but then Kristy’s husband calls and says he’s not sure if he wants a divorce.  Kristy says she’s not sure either.  TD leaves Kristy’s house, looking regretful.

As I’ve mentioned before, the presence of OJ Simpson add a subtext to every scene that undoubtedly was not there when this show first aired.  OJ is supposed to look wistful as he leaves the house.  Instead, I found myself hoping that Kristy would remember to lock all the doors that night and definitely not go out to dinner at Mezzaluna.

I guess the important thing, though, is that Bulls got a new punter.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 5.4 “Mind Games”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, the Bulls sign a new player!

Episode 5.4 “Mind Games”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 1st, 1989)

The Bulls have signed college phenom Achilles Byron (Ronald William Lawrence) to the roster.  However, in order to his name on the dotted line, they also have to sign his loud-mouthed, wheelchair-bound father (Ron O’Neal).  Mr. Byron is tough taskmaster who constantly yells at Achilles and forces him to do extra drills.  Denardo isn’t happy about Mr. Byron’s presence on the sidelines.  Quite rightly, he explains to TD Parker and Kristy that there can only be one coach on the field.

Fortunately, Achilles scores the game-winning touchdown in his first game and Mr. Byron announces that Achilles no longer needs him.  Mr. Byron also reveals that he was driving drunk on the night that he crashed his car, injured his spine, and killed Achilles’s mother.  Wow, that’s a lot to dump on a kid who just won a football game.  Luckily, Achilles had already figured out all of that on his own.  Achilles is like No hard feelings and I’m going to say, “Ouch,” on the behalf of the deceased Mrs. Bryon.

Denardo, as a sign of respect, rolls Mr. Byron out of the locker room.  Denardo also threatens to roll Mr. Byron down a flight of stairs.  Mr. Byron suddenly starts laughing.

1st & Ten has this weird habit of tossing new characters into the mix and expecting us to get emotionally invested in them despite the fact that we’ve never seen them before and we’ll never seem them again.  I’ve already checked with the IMDb.  This is the only appearance of the character of Achilles Byron on the show.  The Bulls agreeing to let Mr. Byron sit on the sidelines never made any sense and the final revelation about the night he was driving drunk came out of nowhere.  It almost felt like a parody of badly-done melodrama.

While all of that was going on, Dr. Death was briefly brainwashed by a cult.  It doesn’t look like he’ll ever get his killer instinct back!  But then an opposing player calls Dr. Death a “pinhead” and he snaps out of it.  He scores a viscous tackle that leaves the other player so dazed that that he wanders over to the wrong sideline.  Obviously, he has a concussion but the laugh track tells us not to worry about it.

Dr. Death getting brainwashed actually was kind of funny.  Ron O’Neal, best known for starring in Superfly, does a lot of yelling as Mr. Byron.  It’s not exactly a good performance but one gets the feeling that was more the fault of the script than O’Neal.  This was another curiously insubstantial episode of 1st & Ten.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 5.3 “False Start”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, OJ Simpson is stalked by an abhorrent admirer!

Episode 5.3 “Fale Start”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on October 25th, 1989)

Johnny Gunn, the new quarterback, is injured while leading the Bulls to victory in their latest game.  Westwood, who has an unexplained dislike for Gunn, convinces the drugged quarterback to sign away his power of attorney and then has Gunn undergo a risky surgery.  When Gunn realizes what has happened, he goes to the construction site of Westwood’s new house and knocks a few things over.  The lesson?  When your quarterback has just finished spending several years in prison for manslaughter, don’t upset him.

Dr. Death is stunned to discover that the highest bidder in the “Win a Day With Dr. Death” auction was not Heather Locklear but instead Carlyle Trent (Vince Edwards), a motorcycle-riding millionaire who happens to be gay.  (Trent was obviously based on publisher Malcolm Forbes Sr.)  Trent thinks that Dr. Death might be gay too.  Oh, the hilarity, I guess.  Actually, this storyline wasn’t as homophobic as one might expect from 1st & Ten.  One of cool things about Dr. Death is that, despite his fearsome image, he’s usually the most open-minded and least prejudiced of all of the Bulls.

Finally, TD Parker (OJ Simpson) finds himself being stalked by a woman named Lisa (Laura Alavarez).  Hey, that’s my name!  Anyway, what starts as a one night stand ends with OJ having to talk Lisa out of shooting him and Kristy.  Wow, OJ Simpson getting stalked by a homicidal maniac.  Who would have guessed?

This episode tried to cram three big storylines into just 24 minute and, as a result, everything ended up feeling a bit half-baked.  Last season, for all of its flaws, did seem to have a definite destination in mind,  The Bulls were finally going to win the Championship Game.  This season, on the other hand, has been all over the place.

Get it together, Bulls!

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 5.2 “The Con”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, the Bulls get a new quarterback.

Episode 5.2 “The Con”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on October 18th, 1989)

Following the murder of Doug Clayton (who, if I remember correctly, was still alive in last season’s flash-forward), the Bulls need a new quarterback. T.D. Parker (O.J. Simpson) is contacted by a former player who now works as a prison guard. Vito Del Greco (Chris Meloni) is the prison’s best quarterback. He’s been serving time on a manslaughter charge, but he’s set to be released. T.D. watches Vito throw the ball once and signs him.

Coach Denardo isn’t happy. “I’m not a parole officer!” Kristy Fulbright and Michael Westwood aren’t happy either. They want a big name at quarterback. T.D. believes in Vito but still agrees to put him on the inactive list. A previously unseen and unmentioned player named Lenny Santino is hired as the new quarterback.

Vito struggles to fit in with the other Bulls and to adjust to being a free man. Billy Cooper makes the mistake of singing “Jailhouse Rock” off-key and gets punched out. “Nobody makes fun of Elvis!” That night at a bar, Vito is nearly goaded into another fight. (His manslaughter conviction came from a bar fight.) He announces, “Del Greco is dead,” and leaves.

That weekend the Bulls play their first game of the season. Under Santino’s uncertain leadership they lose 41–7. In the owner’s box, Kristy wonders what happens when the Bulls lose. T.D. tells her that when you lose, the fans chop off your head. Well, T.D. would know something about that.

In the locker room, Vito approaches T.D. and says Del Greco is dead. His name is now Johnny Gunn, and he is going to be the new quarterback of the California Bulls. T.D. gives him a shot because “Johnny Gunn… that sounds like a quarterback to me!”

Meanwhile, Bubba is stunned to learn his wife is cheating on him. Zagreb is tricked into a phony stock scheme. It turns out Billy and Dr. Death set him up as revenge for Zagreb’s tell-all memoir.

After the Bulls went undefeated last season, it was kind of nice to see them lose this week. It’s always more fun to root for the underdogs. As you probably already guessed, the most interesting thing about this episode is the introduction of a young, intense, rather skinny Chris Meloni as Vito Del Greco, a.k.a. Johnny Gunn. Meloni even had hair. That’s how old this episode is.

Will Johnny lead the Bulls back to the championship game? We’ll see.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 5.1 “The Book of Zagreb”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, we start season 5!

Episode 5.1 “The Book of Zagreb”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on October 11th, 1989)

It’s time for another season of football with the California Bulls.

In the wake of the Bulls finally winning the championship, Zagreb has written a tell-all book about his teammates. He spills that Bubba cheats on his wife, that Dr. Death smokes weed, and that, during the previous season, one member of the Bulls was killed by a bull. Solid continuity from 1st & Ten. About time.

T.D. Parker (O.J. Simpson) is described as a chronic womanizer who collects the underwear of secretaries. T.D. is so furious he could kill someone. Before he does, though, he has to keep the Bulls functioning. Help arrives in the form of a new general manager sent by the Dodds Corporation: Kristy Fulbright (Shannon Tweed). Kristy wants the Bulls to become the first team to win two championships in a row. Coach Denardo agrees.

A few familiar faces are missing from the locker room. Mad Dog has been traded to New York. Former quarterback Doug Clayton is mentioned as having been murdered after the big game. (Yikes. What exactly did he say to T.D.?) Dr. Death is now working as a professional wrestler, but he walks away from the ring the moment he’s told to take a fall.

If this review feels a little random, that’s because the episode is too. As usual with 1st & Ten, there isn’t much of a real plot. Everyone is furious at Zagreb, then they get over it. Dr. Death is done with football, then he gets over it. Bubba is terrified his wife will leave him, then she doesn’t. The show is about football; the characters barely have lives off the field.

The best things here are John Kassir’s handful of funny lines as Zagreb and Shannon Tweed’s red dress, which is to die for. We’ll see how the rest of the season plays out.

 

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 4.9 “Team Picture”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

Welcome to 2013!

Episode 4.9 “Team Picture”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 30th, 1988)

Weird, weird episode.

Taking place 25 years in the future, this episode features the ’88 California Bulls reuniting in 2013.  Of course, since this episode was made in 1988, its version of 2013 is a bit different from the one that we all lived through.  The 2013 of this episode is a dark and depressing dystopia, with militarized police and …. well, maybe it wasn’t that much different from what we lived through.

In 2013, former wide receiver Billy Cooper is a reporter who is hoping to go from the sports desk to the anchor desk.

TD Parker (OJ Simpson) is now the mayor of Los Angeles.

Zagreb is still playing in the NFL.

Doug Clayton is a Nobel prize-winning scientist.

Dr. Death works at a lumber yard.

Mad Dog owns twenty-five “sex discos.”

Bubba Kincaid is now the “King of Beer.”  After his bar was shut down and demolished, he started Bubba Beer, which we are told is the “last American beer.”

And Jethro — well, no one has seen Jethro for ten years.  Bubba tried to get Jethro to join him in his Bubba Beer business but Jethro refused.  He went into wrestling and then he vanished.  Most of his teammates are angry with him.  They view him as being a crybaby who needs to man up.

In this episode, Jethro resurfaces at the Dodds Corporate Headquarters in Los Angeles.  He’s got a bomb strapped to his chest and he’s threatening to blow the whole place up.  TD and Billy both try to talk to him but Jethro doesn’t want to hear what they have to say.  Dr. Death approaches him and encourages him to blow himself up.  Finally, Bubba goes to Jethro and apologizes for abandoning him.  Unfortunately, Bubba gets shot by a robot sniper and is transformed into a pile of blue ash as Jethro watches.

And that’s how the episode ends!

I appreciated the fact that this episode was so weird.  It pretty much came out of nowhere and I’ll be surprised if it’s ever referenced again.  Probably the most interesting thing about it is that all of the Bulls ended up becoming jerks.  No one seems to really care that Jethro might die.  For that matter, Jethro isn’t that upset when Bubba gets killed.

I imagine when this episode aired, it was meant to be a commentary on how uncertain the life of a pro-athlete can be once they’re no longer playing.  For every success story, there’s someone else who ends up losing all of their money and being exiled to the fringes of society.  Seen today, it’s hard to watch Jethro without thinking about CTE and all of the former players who have succumbed to it.

This episode was so odd that it defies a traditional “good or bad” classification.  I appreciated it for trying to do something different.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 4.6 “The Dark Side”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, who cares about a concussion?

Episode 4.6 “The Dark Side”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 9th, 1988)

Going into the half, the Bulls are in danger of losing their first game of the season.  Dodds Company executive Michael Westwood (Paul Tuerpe) has suspended Bubba and Jethro for refusing to sell their bar.  “They draw a criminal element,” Michael said.  “They’re just football players!” TD Parker (OJ Simpson) snaps back.  Because Bubba and Jethro aren’t there to protect him, quarterback Doug Clayton (Scott Geyer) has been sacked and is now playing with a concussion.

During the coach’s locker room talk, Doug suddenly imagines that he’s in a Vietnam war film and that he and the team are soldiers on a mission to rescue Bubba and Jethro from a POW camp.  OJ Simpson dresses up like Rambo and leads the assault.  OJ kills a lot of people in this episode!

His fantasy over, the still dazed Doug heads back out to play the second half, this time with Bubba and Jethro once again blocking for him.

So, to make clear, Doug is playing with a severe concussion.  That’s really the entire plot of this episode.  The Vietnam stuff is occasionally amusing if overly broad.  Bubba and Jethro recreate The Deer Hunter’s Russian Roulette scene.  OJ Simpson still comes across as being oddly mild-mannered, even while firing a machine gun.  That said, it’s hard not to feel that Doug, who gave up a Rhodes scholarship to play professional football, is basically sacrificing his life for one game.

Oh well.  The Bulls win.  That’s the important thing.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 4.2 “The Inmates Buy The Asylum”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

The center cannot hold.

Episode 5.2 “The Inmates Buy The Asylum”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on October 12th, 1988)

If there’s one thing that you can depend on when it comes to this show, it’s inconsistency.

Last week, the players decided to buy the team.  This was portrayed as being a genius move on their part.  Dr. Death dressed up in a suit and said that he was ready to be a businessman as well as a player.  TD Parker (OJ Simpson) told the players that it would be a good idea to take a blade to the typical player/owner relationship.

This week, the players buy the team and everything starts to fall apart.  Suddenly, the players are all too concerned with their own petty issues to be smart businessmen.  Dr. Death is no longer wearing a suit and shows up for a meeting of all the team owners in a denim jacket.  (All of the owners except for one walk out on him.)  The team decides to fire Coach Grier.  Why?  They just don’t like him.  T.D. delivers the news to an embittered Grier and admits that the players are not good owners.  Gee, TD, maybe you shouldn’t have told them to buy the team!

In other words, the players have seized the means of production and screwed everything up.  If nothing else, this episode was a good example of why communism will never work.

Meanwhile, agent Max Green was still in Louisiana, trying to sign college linebacker Sonny Clowers (Gary Kasper).  Fortunately, a chance meeting with the preacher of Sonny’s church gave Max an inside track.  But with the Bulls be able to get it together in time to draft him?

I guess we will find out next week.  As for this episode, it felt as if the writers suddenly realized that it was a mistake to have the players buy the team so they set out to course correct at the last minute.  Myself, I’m wondering how being both a player and an owner would work.  Who sets the salaries?  If a player is traded, is he still an owner?

Seriously, this all seems like a bad idea.

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 3.12 “Of Scalpers and Superstars”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, OJ’s in trouble!

Episode 3.12 “Of Scalpers and Superstars”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on December 9th, 1987)

O.J. Simpson gets arrested!

Okay, technically, OJ Simpson is not the one being arrested.  He’s just playing TD Parker, the Bulls’s general manager.  TD is the one who is arrested at the end of this episode after being framed for stealing 5,000 ticket to the Championship Game and selling to a ticket scalper.  Still, as is so often the case with this show, the casting of OJ Simpson does bring a while new layer to the action of meaning to the action onscreen.

Who framed TD?  The answer is Dolph Crane (Forry Smith), a former player who was cut from the team.  Dolph has never appeared on the show before but, judging from what TD says when he sees Dolph hanging around the stadium, it seems that Dolph was cut last season.  One of the things that I’ve noticed about 1st & Ten is that new characters will often pop up out of nowhere and people will act as if they’ve been there the whole time.  Dolph appears to be one of those pop-up character.  Dolph mentions that he’s now dating TD’s former mistress.  Dolph and the owner of Arizona’s team are the ones who conspire to take out TD.  Hopefully, they didn’t plant a bloody glove anywhere in the office.

The Bulls are going to the Championship Game …. again!  Maybe they’ll actually win this time.  This is their third trip to the game, after all.  It’ll be kind of sad if they win without Coach Denardo, though.  Coach Grier just isn’t as much fun as foul-mouthed Ernie Denardo.

The entire team gets mad at Yinessa.  After getting injured during a game, he decides that he needs to make as much money as possible so he allows his agent (Bobby Hosea) to promote him as being the “star” of the team.  The rest of the team feels that isn’t fair.  The thing is, though …. Yinessa is kind of the star.  He’s the quarterback.  If he has a bad day, the team doesn’t win.  The Bulls are a bunch of crybabies.  When they find out that a team music video is being reimagined as a Yinessa music video, they literally look like they’re about to break down in tears.  No wonder they always lose the Championship Game.

This episode ended wth the Bulls heads to the Championship and OJ heading to jail.  That seems about right.  Good luck to the team!

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 3.9 “The Brink of Death”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, OJ has some wisdom to share.

Episode 3.8 “The Brink of Death”

(Dir by Bruce Seth Green, originally aired on November 4th, 1987)

There’s a lot happening in this week’s episode.

For instance, Bubba and Jethro now own the bar where all of the Bulls hang out.  To be honest, I thought they always owned the bar but apparently, they didn’t.  As I’ve said a few times in the past, the way these episodes were edited for syndication occasionally makes it a bit difficult to actually follow the storyline.

Wide receiver Billy Cooper (Michael Toland) was kidnapped by Stuart (Richard Tanner), the nerdy guy whose girlfriend Billy stole.  Stuart wrapped up Billy in a straight jacket, forced him to wear a “Dumb Jock” label on his forehead, and then filmed him screaming in fear of a bunch of fire ants.  Billy’s girlfriend dumped him because Stuart was “more interesting.”

But the main plotline dealt with Dr. Death, the defensive player who was played by Donald Gibbs.  While playing against Oakland, many of the Bulls were tackled by Joe “The Terminator” Morgan (Andre Newman), a notoriously dirty player.  Dr. Death decided to get revenge by tackling Joe Morgan during a kick return, even though Joe had signaled for something called a fair catch.  (I guess that meant that no one was supposed to touch Joe.)  Joe Morgan ended up in the hospital.  The owner of the Oakland team pressured Joe to press assault charges against Dr. Death, who was already feeling guilty about injuring Joe as severely as he did.

It was up to O.J. Simpson to talk some sense into Joe Morgan.  O.J. went to the hospital and told Joe that football was all about getting injured.  O.J. asked Joe if this was the way he wanted to go out.

By appealing to Joe’s desire to be remembered as a killer football player, OJ is able to convince Joe to drop the charges.

(I should mention that OJ himself was an early contender for the role of the actual Terminator.)

O.J. Simpsons saved the day again!