Horror Song of the Day: The Winner by Lance Owg, Gabriel Rohels, and David Cole

Posted on October 4, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s song of the day comes from the 1981 slasher classic, Graduation Day!

Just try not to sing along!

Everybody wants to be the winner….

Music Video of the Day: Bloodletting (The Vampire Song) by Concrete Blonde (1990, dir by ????)

Posted on October 4, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I just know that someone’s going to be like, “Actually, Lisa, this is song isn’t about vampires, it’s about someone sucking the happiness out of life.”

Listen, I don’t care. It’s October. It’s horrorthon. The lead singer of Concrete Blonde says that she was inspired to write the song by Interview with a Vampire, which is something that’s very obvious when you watch the video. And today would have been Anne Rice’s birthday. For our purposes, it’s a vampire song.

Enjoy!

October Positivity: In Gramps’ Shoes (dir by Chip Rossetti)

Posted on October 3, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2013’s In Gramps’ Shoes opens with Ty (Donald James Parker) praying that his daughter, Amy (Francine Locke), will finally call him. It’s been 20 years since they last spoke. Amy felt that Ty — or “Gramps” as he’s eventually known — was too controlling when she was growing up. He didn’t approve of her music. He didn’t approve of the man she married. When she left home, she went to Tennessee and promised herself that she would never look back.

However, Amy is now in some trouble. Her husband has left her. Her teenage son, Scott (Andrew Wilson Williams), is a slacker who smokes on the porch with his loser friends and who refuses to even consider getting a part-time job to help pay the bills. Her daughter, Sally (Brittany Blades), is a bit more responsible but she’s been reading Harry Potter and that could lead to her becoming a witch. Amy is also nearly broke. She finally swallows her pride and calls Gramps to ask for help.

Soon, Gramps has moved down to Tennessee. At first, Scott and his friends are dismissive of Gramps. But then they watch as Gramps beats Scott in a two-mile race. They watch as Gramps does pull-ups at a local park. They all marvel at how athletic Gramps is. Scott decides that he wants to run just like Gramps. But first, Scott is going to have to work on his attitude and start going to church….

This film has a lot of problems, from the poor ADR to the bad acting to the script that allows certain scenes to drag on without end. This film is nearly two hours long and you will definitely feel every one of those 115 minutes. Even the running scenes are a bit disappointing because no one really looks like they’re in good enough condition to be a track star. Everyone in the film talks about how good Gramps looks but Gramps actually spends the majority of the film looking like he might collapse at any moment.

The main problem with the film is Gramps is a kind of a jerk. From the minute he shows up in Tennessee, he’s giving orders and we can tell why his daughter thought he was too controlling. He moves in and immediately starts to tell Amy how to raise her son. Because Gramps goes to church, he demands that his grandchildren come with him. (Keep in mind, he doesn’t ask them to go to a church. He tells them that they have to come to his church.) He makes it clear that his grandchildren won’t be watching anything fantasy-related (like a Harry Potter movie) as long as he’s around. Gramps isn’t just opinionated. Instead, he comes across as being angry and rather aggressive. And yet, everyone just loves to be around him.

In this film, Parker appears to be playing the same character that he played in Gramps Goes To College. However, there’s a plot development that makes it impossible for this to be a prequel to Gamps Goes To College. At the same time, Gramps first gets his nickname in this film which means that Gramps Goes To College also couldn’t be considered a sequel. It’s not the film’s biggest problem but it is something that bothers a continuity nerd like me.

Despite all of those problems, this film does end with a priceless final line. Is Scott going to go prom with his new girlfriend? Actually, Scott might “lead a protest against Harry Potter …. because it’s what Gramps would have wanted.” The film is almost worth watching just to hear that one line.

Almost.

Late Night Retro Television Review: Saved By The Bell 3.8 “Fake IDs”

Posted on October 3, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, someone gets caught cheating!

Episode 3.8 “Fake IDs”

(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on October 19th, 1991)

Having finally reached the point where he’s ready to move on from Kelly, Zack Morris resorts to lying to get a new girlfriend. He tells USC freshman Danielle (Julie St. Claire) that he’s a fellow Trojan. He claims to be a photojournalism major who spends all of his time in his darkroom. That’s why she never sees him on campus. Wink wink.

When Danielle invites him to the Attic, an 18-and-up club, Zack instructs Screech to use the skills he’s learned in photography class to make fake IDs. Zack, Slater, and Screech sneak out of Zack’s house and hit the Attic. Screech gets chased by an older woman named Reggie. Slater spends the whole night talking about how much he misses Jessie. Zack dances with Danielle. It’s a great night until they spot Kelly’s new boyfriend, Jeff, dancing with a girl who isn’t Kelly.

“Whoa!” Zack, Slater, and Screech all say at the same time.

When Jessie and Lisa hear that the guys went to an over-18 club, they decide they want fake IDs as well. Meanwhile, when Zack tells Kelly about seeing Jeff, Kelly accuses Zack of being jealous. But when Jeff gives a half-hearted excuse for why he can’t go out with her that night, Kelly asks Screech to make her a fake ID as well.

The next night, Zack’s parents are at a Peter, Paul and Mary concert. Zack goes to the Attic with Slater, Screech, Lisa, and Jessie and is shocked when he can’t find Danielle. What Zack doesn’t know is that Danielle called the house to tell him she would be arriving late, and the phone was answered by Mrs. Morris (Melody Rogers). Mrs. Morris stops singing “Puff the Magic Dragon” just long enough to ask, “What’s the Attic?”

At the Attic, Kelly arrives just in time to spot Jeff dancing with his other girlfriend. She yells, “I broke up with a great guy for you!” “It’s not like we’re going steady,” Jeff replies. “We’re through!” Kelly says, and I can only assume that Kelly is also going to quit the job she so desperately needed just a few episodes ago.

Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa go off together so that Kelly can spend a few minutes “yelling in the ladies’ room.” Danielle and Mrs. Morris show up at the same time. Zack introduces his mom as his “young-looking older sister.” Mrs. Morris orders Zack, Slater, and Screech out to the car. They leave, and we’re left to wonder how Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa are going to get home.

To be honest, I kind of hate this episode. Jeff cheating on Kelly comes out of nowhere, and it’s totally against everything we’ve already learned about the character. Previously, the whole point of Jeff’s character was that he was a nice guy who didn’t intentionally set out to break up Zack and Kelly. In this episode, he’s suddenly a jerk.

That said, there are actually a few funny moments to be found, like Lisa trying to shove Zack away while he’s looking for Danielle. Slater’s loyalty to Jessie was actually pretty sweet, and even Screech was a bit less annoying than usual. It’s a well-done episode, even if it only exists to reset the Kelly/Zack relationship.

I just hope Kelly, Jessie, and Lisa were able to find a way home.

Made-For-TV-Movie Review: The Execution of Gary Glitter (dir by Rob Coldstream)

Posted on October 3, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Made for British television, 2009’s The Execution of Gary Glitter opens with disgraced former rock star Gary Glitter (played by Scottish actor Hilton McRae) returning to the UK after serving a three-year prison sentence in Vietnam. When he was younger, Glitter was one of the most popular men in the UK, a rock star who was liked by both parents and — ahem — their children. His song “Rock and Roll Part 2,” with its chorus of “Hey!”, became a mainstay at sporting events. However, everything fell apart in the late ’90s when he was arrested and subsequently convicted of possessing child porn. After he was released from prison, Glitter went abroad and swore he would never return to Britain. In 2005, while living in Vietnam, he was convicted of having sex with underage girls. While he could have faced the firing squad as a result, he was instead given a three-year prison sentence. When he was released, he attempted to relocate to Hong Kong and Taiwan, only to be told that he was not welcome. Eventually, he had no choice but to return to the UK because every other country banned him from entering.

That’s all a matter of public record. The Execution of Gary Glitter imagines what would have happened if Glitter — or Paul Gadd, to use his real name — returned to a UK that had recently reinstated the death penalty. In this film, as soon as Gadd arrives in the UK, he’s placed under arrest. He’s been out of the country for so long that he totally missed the fact that Britain is once again hanging people. He’s also surprised to hear that he can be tried for crimes that were committed outside of British territory and that he can be executed if found guilty of the same crimes for which he was convicted in Vietnam.

The Execution of Gary Glitter is a mix of dramatic scenes and mockumentary-style interviews with people who were involved in Glitter’s criminal case. Though Gary Glitter is played by Hilton McRae, a few British journalists and politicians appear as themselves and talk about their feelings concerning the reinstatement of the death penalty. British MP Ann Widdecombe appears and makes the case for bringing back hanging. (Seventeen years after this special aired, Widdecombe would be brutally murdered in her own home, a victim of the political violence we’re always told isn’t actually occurring.) The film ends with a title card saying that, in 2009, polling showed that 53% of Britons supported bringing back capital punishment. It’s interesting how people always want the opposite of whatever it is they have. In America, the anti-death penalty movement is having a moment, but I can guarantee that, if capital punishment ever was outlawed here, you’d have people demanding that it be brought back within a month.

As for this film, it’s weird. Making a film like this about an actual person is weird. I honestly can’t tell you whether this film is for or against the death penalty. On the one hand, the scenes featuring the hangman and the gallows are rather cold and disturbing. The cold mercilessness of hanging is emphasized and with it, the idea that people who support the death penalty run the risk of becoming just as cold. (Of course, considering what’s currently happening in Tennessee as a result of the botched lethal injection of Christa Pike, some viewers would today undoubtedly appreciate the cool precision of a hanging.) On the other hand, Gary Glitter is about as unsympathetic a character as you can imagine and, in the film, he’s portrayed as being someone who lacks the self-awareness to understand why people are even upset at him. He makes plenty of excuses but they all ring hollow. At one point, the film mentions that Europe is uniformly condemning and sanctioning the UK for bringing back the death penalty. That would probably be a big deal in the UK. In America, we really don’t care what Europe thinks. Annoying Brussels is our national pastime.

What the film definitely does get right is the carnival atmosphere that would accompany the execution of a celebrity. The film imagines people selling T-shirts outside of the prison, macabre remixes of Glitter’s song playing on the radio, and Glitter himself receiving letters from people who continue to be fans despite the crimes for which he’s been convicted. Hilton McRae does a good job in the lead role. He starts out as arrogant and cocky and then gradually, as the reality of his situation dawns on him, he grows more and more desperate.

As for the real-life Gary Glitter, he was not amused by this film and tried to keep it from airing. Six years after the film aired, he was arrested and convicted of several more sex crimes that came to light as a result of the inquest into Jimmy Savile’s crimes. He was sentenced to a 16-year prison term. Just this year, the still-incarcerated Glitter was charged in a new set of historic sex crimes. He has pled not guilty.

Lisa Marie’s Week In Television: 9/27/26 — 10/3/26

Posted on October 3, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2026 Video Music Awards (Sunday Night, CBS)

I had them on but I also mostly had them on mute because I don’t feel like listening to any political speeches. My Sunday attention was divided by the Vide0 Music Awards and old TV shows on YouTube. That said, I definitely did notice Madonna. I know Madonna’s gotten a lot of criticism over her somewhat odd behavior at the VMAs but, to be honest, I thought it was kind of refreshing to just have someone who didn’t really care up on stage. With Madonna, you were never sure what she might say and that was quite a contrast to Taylor Swift and Sabrina Carpenter.

The Amazing Race (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I wrote about The Amazing Race here! And then I wrote about it again!

Bar Rescue (Paramount+)

On Friday, I watched an episode that took place at a bar called Hogwash. The owner of the bar had a drinking problem. Jon Taffer yelled at him until he poured out his pitcher of beer. Whatever works, I suppose.

Big Brother (Sunday and Thursday Night, CBS)

It’s over! It’s finally over! I tried to cover this season of Big Brother over at Reality TV Chat Blog but I have to admit that I never really got into the latest installment. This was one of the blandest seasons that I can remember. That said, I was happy when Rick Devens won on Thursday. They may have hated him on Twitter (and I’m not sure why) but everyone else loved him enough to award him with the title of America’s Favorite Player.

On Monday, I rewatched the first season premiere of Big Brother. Originally airing way back in 2000, this was the very first episode of Big Brother, back when CBS was still pretending that it was a social experiment and Julie Chen was still trying to convince people that she was a serious journalist and not a game show host. As I watched the episode, memories came flooding back of watching the first season with my mom. We both liked Chicken George. We were happy Eddie won. We thought Brittany was annoying. And Curtis Chen was our favorite. I understand that Curtis is a judge now. As for the first episode, it was definitely humorous to watch Julie and special correspondent Ian O’Malley breathlessly talk about how Big Brother was doing something that had never been done before …. except, of course, Big Brother had been done before. Big Brother originated in the Netherlands and the first season of the UK version pretty much ran concurrently with the American version. From the start, Big Brother was pretty silly.

Blind Date (Nosey)

I watched a few episodes on Sunday night. I had totally forgotten about this silly show. Needless to say, I only cared about tracking down the episodes with bad blind dates. The good dates were always boring.

Cheaters (Tubi)

On Tuesday, I relaxed my racing mind by watching two episodes of this classic reality show. I cheered whenever I recognized any place that I had been in Dallas.

The Curse of Degrassi (YouTube)

As always, I started off my October by watching The Curse of Degrassi!

Doctor, Doctor (YouTube)

This was an old sitcom from the 80s, one that starred Matt Frewer as an annoyingly goofy doctor. Jeff, Brad, and I joined our friendly Patrick and Dani in watching an episode on Friday because it featured Dennis Haskins as a charlatan pushing a phony weight loss supplement.

E! True Hollywood Story — Eight Is Enough (YouTube)

On Sunday, I watched this edition of the E! True Hollywood Story almost at random. Eight Is Enough is a show that I had previously never heard of but it did have an interesting story behind it, from Mark Hamill being cast shortly before the release of Star Wars to John Travolta’s much older girlfriend dying shortly after being cast as the mother of eight children. The show was big in the 70s and early 80s so, of course, the special was full of actors talking about getting famous and abusing drugs.

E! True Hollywood Story — Herve Villechaize (YouTube)

I watched this episode of the E! True Hollywood Story on Sunday. What a sad life Herve lived. The special covered both Herve’s time on and his exit from Fantasy Island and also the circumstances of his tragic death. It also took a look at how Herve became an advocate for abused children. Herve was definitely a complicated person but he definitely tried to do some good in this world of ours.

Fear Itself (YouTube)

I’ve been watching and sharing episodes of Fear Itself for this year’s horrorthon. Click here for the first episode and here for the second one, which stars Eric Roberts!

Football Game: Chiefs vs Dolphins (Sunday, Paramount+)

*Gasp* Taylor wasn’t at the game!

Football Game: Cowboys vs Ravens (Sunday, CBS)

They were playing in Brazil! I’m not sure why I watched. I don’t even like football. Maybe I just needed a distraction from the stress that I was under. I’m not surprised the Cowboys lost. I don’t think I’ve ever seen the Cowboys win a game.

Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court (Tubi)

On Tuesday morning, as I scheduled and reviewed the posts for the first day of Horrorthon, I used Lauren Lake’s Paternity Court as background noise. I love the way the people in the courtroom always seems to resent having to say, “Good Day” to Judge Lake.

Saved By The Bell: The New Class (Prime)

Jeff, Pat, Dani, and I watched three episodes on Saturday morning in memory of Dennis Haskins. As the only one of us who had previously watched this series, I got to show off my encyclopedic New Class knowledge.

SCTV (Netflix)

I watched two early episodes on Monday. The one that I truly remember features John Candy and Dave Thomas playing the role of The Incredible Bulk and his human alter ego, Bill Brigsby.

The Steve Wilkos Show (Nosey)

I watched two episodes on Sunday. Steve was yelling at everyone. While none of the old daytime talk shows were particularly good, I have to say that Steve, at the very least, always came across as being more sincere in his emotions than either Maury or Jerry.

I also watched a few episodes on Monday, mostly as a way to distract myself from the stress of preparing for Horrorthon. (I love Horrorthon but it’s a lot work!) One absolutely terrifying episode featured one of the worst mothers I had ever seen. For 30 years, she kept her daughter in the dark about the identity of her biological father. When he turned out to be a decent guy who refused to be bitter about the way he was treated, she got even angrier. I felt so bad for her daughter.

I then went on t0 watch three episodes on Tuesday and ended up feeling like I was wasting my life. But they did provide good background noise for when I was working on this week’s Horrorthon posts. I needed something to keep me focused and Steve Wilkos throwing chairs at people was apparently just what the doctor ordered.

On Wednesday, I wasted yet another precious hour watching Steve Wilkos. An abusive man refused to get out of the chair on Steve’s stage so Steve shoved him to the floor and then threw the chair across the stage. That was satisfying to watch! Still, I have to wonder why Steve even had the chair out there if people weren’t allowed to sit in them.

Survivor (Wednesday Night, CBS)

I reviewed Survivor here!

Unsolved Mysteries (Tubi)

I watched two Robert Stack-hosted episodes on Thursday. Both were from 1995. The first one featured the rather sad case of Philip Taylor Kramer, a former bass player for the band Iron Butterfly who later went on to found a computer company before mysteriously disappearing in 1995. This story came with an update that said Kramer’s van and body were found in 1999 but authorities couldn’t say whether his death was suicide, homicide, or a tragic accident. The second episode featured an update on a woman whose husband mysterious vanished. After seeing a story about himself on Unsolved Mysteries, the husband called his wife. It turned out that he had been attacked during a business trip and had suffered from amnesia for two years. This was followed by a story about a shrine to the Virgin Mary in Kentucky where people claimed to have had religious visions. This was interesting to me because I’ve actually been to that shrine. When I was 10, I visited it with my mom and my sisters. I did not have any visions but I do remember my mom praying for us.

Horror On TV: Fear Itself 1.2 “Spooked” (dir by Brad Anderson)

Posted on October 3, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Tonight’s episode of Fear Itself stars the one and only Eric Roberts!

Eric plays Harry Siegel, a cop who is kicked off the force because of his brutal methods. Harry becomes a private investigator but, when one of his cases leads to him staking out a mysterious house, he’s forced to confront his past demons. This episode features Eric Roberts at his most intense.

Spooked originally aired on June 12th, 2008. Director Brad Anderson is best known for Session 9.

Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:

October Hacks: Bikini Guillotine (dir by Jamie Grefe)

Posted on October 3, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

2025’s Bikini Guillotine is a slasher film that features plenty of bikinis but not one guillotine. The motiveless killer is a man who wears a mask that was put together with duct tape. He’s definitely a bad guy, but the true villain of this film is whoever was responsible for recording the dialogue.

The first half of this 65-minute movie is made up of footage of several bikini-clad girls hanging out in a pool. They’re all carrying red Solo cups, which they pretend to drink from despite the fact that they’re obviously empty. Every few minutes, they all hold up their Solo cups and go, “Whoo!” The majority of the dialogue is incoherent. Either you can’t hear a word that they’re saying, or you can hear the sound of their voices but you still can’t make out what they’re actually saying. Occasionally, there’s a strange echo effect that does nothing to make the dialogue any more legible. Strangely, we can hear the Solo cups. One girl taps a finger against her Solo cup and it’s suddenly the loudest thing in the movie. Whenever anyone puts their Solo cup down, the sound of the cup hitting the tile reverberates. The weird soundtrack gives certain moments a dreamlike feel, but for the most part, it just feels incredibly shoddy.

(On a personal note, it was impossible for me to look at all of these Solo cups without thinking about the Flipadelphia episode of It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Flip! Flip! Flipadelphia!)

A coherent, non-muddy soundtrack is something that filmgoers tend to take for granted. It’s not until you watch a film like this that you really appreciate just how important sound actually is. I sat through this entire film, but I couldn’t tell you the names of any of the characters or how they even knew each other. Maybe that was revealed in the dialogue. Maybe it wasn’t. I’m not sure what anyone was actually talking about.

As for the killer, who knows why he was even there or why the word “guillotine” is even in the title. The killer does not carry a guillotine. Instead, he carries what appears to be a chakram with a bunch of rubber worms attached to it. A chakram is a flying disc that is supposed to have sharp edges. Traditionally, one uses a chakram by throwing it. Our killer uses his chakram like a knife. Or at least, I think he does. There are many scenes in which he’s seen plunging the chakram down, but apparently there wasn’t any money in the budget for fake blood, so who knows what he’s actually supposed to be doing with it.

The killer also has the power to hypnotize his victims just by looking at them. As such, every victim simply stops moving as soon as he looks at them. Not only does it rob the victims of their agency, but it also makes for a pretty boring slasher film. It’s just one victim after another, with no personality or variety. That said, at least we can actually understand the dialogue inside the house. “Hello?” “Are you guys here?” Spellbinding stuff, as I’m sure you can tell.

Whatever else one might say about it, this film does offer two important lessons to the aspiring filmmaker. Don’t promise a guillotine if you can’t deliver. Hire someone who knows how to record sound.

SOV Horror: Hollow Gate (dir by Ray Di Zazzo)

Posted on October 3, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

1988’s Hollow Gate begins with a Halloween party that almost goes terribly wrong. When he feels that his son Mark is not properly bobbing for apples, a drunken father (Richard London) shoves Mark’s face into the water and yells at him for embarrassing the family. Mark nearly drowns, and hopefully the family learns an important lesson about being overly competitive.

Ten years later, Mark (Addison Randall) is working at a gas station on Halloween night. An obnoxious man drives up with his girlfriend. The man wants some gas put in his car and he hands Mark his girlfriend’s panties. (I guess that’s how you tip in New Jersey.) Mark proceeds to stuff the panties into the car’s gas tank and then set them on fire. The man laughs as he drives away. However, he’s not laughing when the car blows up.

Two years after that, Mark harasses a woman at a Halloween shop. Everyone in town agrees that Mark has obviously been driven mad by the incident at the Halloween party, but nothing can be done about it because Mark’s wealthy grandmother (Pat Shalsant) owns the entire town. Mark is released to her care.

The next Halloween, four teenagers are invited to a party at Mark’s mansion. They discover that Grandma has been murdered and that Mark wants them all to put on some costumes that he ordered. When they are understandably reluctant to play Mark’s game, Mark decides that he’ll just wear each costume and kill his guests, one by one….

As far as SOV horror films are concerned, Hollow Gate is not a bad one. Director Ray Di Zazzo is able to capture a few memorable images. If none of the performances are exactly convincing, a few of them are so over-the-top that they’re entertaining. The gore is splattery enough to be effective, even if it’s not particularly realistic. The plot is not particularly original, but there are still enough scenes of lawyers and police officers discussing how Mark would be in prison if not for his wealthy family that you can at least argue that the film pretended to have something more on its mind than just cheap kills.

What truly makes this film memorable is the flamboyant killer. Mark not only changes costumes, but his methods are a bit more original than the typical hack-and-slash killer. Yes, he can use a knife and an axe, and he does just that in one scene. But he can also run you over with a thresher while dressed as a cowboy. Or he can dress up like an English gentleman and have two golden retrievers maul you to death. The dog scene is probably the most memorable one in the film, if only because the dogs themselves are very cute and seem to be having great fun as they lick their unfortunate victim to death. They’re the adorable canines of doom!

It’s a cheap movie with a predictable plot, but it also appears to be a film that is truly in love with Halloween and all of the customs that go along with it. The owner of the local costume store is ultimately just as important as the killer. In the true Halloween tradition, the story ends on an ambiguous note. Was that the boogeyman? Perhaps he was.

Horror Game Review: Crush, Crumble, and Chomp! (1981, Epyx)

Posted on October 3, 2026 by Jedadiah Leland

Crush, Crumble, and Chomp! is a terrifically addictive old-school PC game where you get to play the role of a giant monster and destroy the city of your choice. (Actually, your choices are pretty much limited to New York, San Francisco, and Tokyo.) You can play as a famous movie monster like Godzilla or you can create a monster of your own. As Serpentor the Giant Snake, I terrorized New York. As Swampy the Sea Monster, I terrorized San Francisco. As Tony Roboto, I terrorized Tokyo with mechanical precision.

Now, to be clear, when I say that this is an old-school PC game, I mean it’s very old school. Don’t bother trying to point-and-click. This game is totally keyboard-driven and, since it’s 45 years old, it’s not like there’s a manual lying around with all the commands in a neat list. I had to play the game a few times and push a lot of random buttons to learn just how to make my monster move from one part of the map to the other. But it was all worth it. Once you do learn that M is for move and L is for changing direction and that pushing G allows you to grab people and eat them, the game becomes very easy to learn.

If you create your own monster, you’ll be given a set of points and some powers to buy. Don’t make the mistake of buying every expensive power that you see because you’re also going to need to use whatever points you have left over to set how quickly your monster heals and how tough its hide is. Of the powers, I suggest purchasing the supersonic scream and the power to zap helicopters. The supersonic scream can destroy enemies even if they’re not in the square adjacent to you. As for the helicopters, they appear to be your greatest foe. They’re difficult to grab. Better just to zap them.

Once you get used to it and feel confident with the keyboard (and I do suggest keeping a list of what happens when you push each button), Crush, Crumble, and Chomp! is a monstrous good time. It can be played at the Internet Archive.