Today’s song of the day was used to surprisingly good effect in Stanley Kubrick’s 1987 Vietnam war film, Full Metal Jacket.
Today’s song of the day was used to surprisingly good effect in Stanley Kubrick’s 1987 Vietnam war film, Full Metal Jacket.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.
This week, infedility is in the air.
Episode 3.20 “With This Ring”
(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on April 5th, 1998)
When Cory and Victor find a dead man on the beach, all of the evidence seems to indicate that he was killed as a result of an extramarital affair. His widow previously hired a detective agency to test his fidelity. His killer forced his own wedding ring down his throat. Someone is killing cheaters.
So, of course, Palermo has Cory and Victor go undercover as a married couple.
This isn’t the first episode of Pacific Blue to feature the bike cops going undercover. It’s actually something that has happened fairly frequently during the third season. On the one hand, it gets the characters off of those stupid bicycles. On the other hand, why would a bunch of bike cops be investigating crimes? Bicycle cops are like any other uniformed cop. Their job is to keep general order, issue tickets, and secure crime scenes until the actual detectives can show up. The bicycle cops are police officers but they’re not detectives. At least, that’s the way it works in the real world. In the world of Pacific Blue, the Malibu PD apparently doesn’t have a plainclothes department and all of the work is done by the same 5 bicycle cops.
While Cory and Victor go undercover, TC tries to deal with the fact that his parents are splitting up, He really struggles with the news of their upcoming divorce. TC is also in his mid-30s. Once you’re closer to 40 than 30, you should be able to handle your parents splitting up with a modicum of maturity. The only good thing about this storyline is that wonderful Andy Buckley made one of his far-too infrequent appearances as TC’s older brother.
This episode ended with TC and Chris promising each other that, in 35 years, they would still be together. Those will probably be the 35 most boring years of anyone’s lives.
This was another forgettable episode. At least there’s only two episodes left this season. And starting with season 4, Mario Lopez arrives as a new member of Pacific Blue! It can’t happen soon enough.
In 2023’s Megalodon: The Frenzy, the giant shark that keeps coming back …. well, it comes back again! Actually, there’s more than one giant shark this time. The ocean is not safe, not for tourists, not for beach partiers, not for scientists, not even for the Marines!
Fortunately, Lt. Commander Sharp (Eric Roberts) is in command of a battleship and he’s constantly encouraging his Marines to be prepared to sacrifice everything to stop the giant sharks. While scientist Rylie Clark (Caroline Williams) attempts to figure out how to stop the sharks, Sharp barks out order to his crew. His crew replies with “Oorah!” I would have to check the official records to know for sure but there’s a distinct chance that this movie set the record for the most use of “oorah” over an 82 minute run time.
The true stars of the film are the giant sharks, of course. That said, it’s nice to see Eric Roberts playing a good guy for once. Of course, Eric does seem a little advanced in years to still be on active duty. The mandatory retirement age for a flag officer is usually 64 but retirement can be deferred until 68 by Presidential order. Eric Roberts was around 67 years old when he filmed this so I guess it pays to have a friend in Washington. Well, no matter. Eric gave his orders with authority and rallied his men and probably had the longest hair that you’re ever likely to see on an officer.
As for the sharks, they’re really big and they jump out of the water and eat people. This is an Asylum film and the Asylum has always understood what people want when it comes to giant sharks. Don’t take this film seriously and you’ll be fine.
Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell: The New Class, which ran on NBC from 1993 to 2o00. The show is currently on Prime.
It’s time for the annual school swap meet!
Episode 1.10 “Swap Meet”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 13, 1993)
It’s time for the Swap Meet, the annual Bayside tradition that has never been mentioned before this week’s episode. All of the students — and Mr. Belding — go to the gym to sell the old stuff that they don’t need anymore. Does anyone in this school actually go to class?
Weasel, Scott, and Tommy D. have their own table, where they are apparently selling random things from Weasel’s garage. Scott desperately needs some money so that he can take Rachel Meyers (Sarah Lancaster, who would become a regular starting with season 2) to the Janet Jackson concert. Scott is not happy when Weasel takes the ten dollars that Scott and Tommy D have made at the table and spends it all on comic books. Fortunately, one of those comic books turns out to be Defender Dog #59, the one with the “famous misprint!” Scott and Weasel go to call the comic book shop to find out how much the comic book is worth. “It’s worth 600 raviolis!” Weasel announces. Huh? Who talks like that?
While Scott and Weasel are dancing in the hallway, Tommy D sells the comic book for nine dollars to Marv and Harv Dorkman (played by Grant Gelt and Karl Michael Maschek).
Marv and Harv, as you guessed, are two of Saved By The Bell‘s stereotypical nerd characters. They refuse to sell the comic book back to Scott. When Scott realizes that Marv and Harv have crushes on Megan and Vicki, he convinces Megan and Vicki to go to the movies with them and to lie about loving comic books. Megan and Vicki think that, by doing this, they’ll get the Defender Dog comic book. Instead, Marv and Harv sell the comic book to Crunch Grabowski (Ryan Hurst) and then use the money that they made to buy necklaces for Megan and Vicki, which Megan and Vicki promptly reject.
“I can’t believe this,” Scott says.
“Getting that comic book back is harder than Chinese square dancing,” says Weasel.
It’s hurting my head just to recap this.
Anyway, Crunch doesn’t want to sell the comic book so Scott convinces Crunch to come to the local comic book shop, which is owned by Honolulu Harry. So, of course, Weasel puts on an old man mask and pretends to be Honolulu Harry and Tommy D. pretends to be a nerd who wants to sell a copy of Defender Dog so that Weasel (as Harry) to tell him that no one likes Defender Dog. Crunch cannot handle being seen with an unpopular super hero so he trades Defender Dog for Lou the Ant. Scott gets the comic book but then the real Honolulu Harry shows up and refuses to buy it from him because he caught Tommy D. in the back of the comic book shop. “You touched my comics!” Harry yells. What are people supposed to do in a comic book store?
Poor Scott! Well, no, not really. There’s a hundred smart things that Scott could have done during this episode and he didn’t do a single one of them. He deserves what he gets….
Oh wait, the Dorkmans spent a lot of money to get four tickets to the Janet Jackson concert. Megan tells them that she and Vicki would love to go to the concert with them. Megan says she’ll hold on to two of the tickets and that she and Vicki will meet them at the concert. The Dorkmans give the tickets to Megan and Vicki and then Megan and Vicki give them to Scott so he can take Rachel to the concert.
“You guys did this for me? You guys are the best.” Scott says.
Rachel shows up to go to the concert with Scott. She asks if the tickets were hard to get.
“No, not when you have really great friends,” Scott says.
Awwwww! the audience replies.
The audience has probably forgotten that Vicki had a huge crush on Scott just a few episodes ago and Megan and Scott were hinted to be a couple-in-the-making at the start of the season. Beyond continuity, the main message here seems to be that, if your friend is a pathological liar, it’s okay to to lie to help him out. The Dorkmans, who apparently spent a lot of money on the tickets that Megan just gave away, are already at the concert waiting on their dates. Vicki and Megan’s actions would perhaps be justified if the Dorkmans were creeps but, for the most part, they’re just two guys who wears glasses and like comic books. And while it is true that the Dorkmans bought those tickets without bothering to ask Vicki and Megan out beforehand, it’s also true that Megan flat-out lied so that she could then give the tickets to Scott.
One thing that I have noticed about Saved By The Bell: The New Class is that it seems to really hate its nerd characters. The original series had stereotypical nerds as well but they were still, more or less, likeable and the show’s characters may not have hung out with them but they weren’t intentionally cruel to them. Saved By The Bell: The New Class, on the other hand, feels as if it was written by the same people who spilled the pig’s blood on Carrie White.
Anyway, this episode was terrible. Thank goodness there’s only three more episodes of the first season to go.
Since today is Francis Ford Coppola’s birthday, it only seems appropriate that today’s song of the day should come from the soundtrack of one of his films.
From 1979’s Apocalypse Now, here is the haunting music that plays as Willard and the boat approach the infamous bridge that is built every day so that it can be destroyed every night. This musical piece was composed by Francis Ford Coppola’s father, Carmine.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
This week, there’s a big cat on the loose!
Episode 5.14 “Tiger In The Streets”
(Dir by Charles Bail, originally aired on January 10th, 1982)
Ponch and Baker wonder why someone is digging deep holes in the Los Angeles hills and filling them with raw meat. Could someone by trying to capture a tiger that’s recently gotten loose from a wildlife park? Yes, that’s exactly what’s happening! The owner of the park wants to keep the cops from finding out but, when it turns out that the tiger is a mother and is missing her cubs, only the highway patrol can help Animal Control capture her. Baker likes Stephanie, the Animal Control officer. This is one of the rare episodes where Baker actually gets to have a romance while Ponch stands around and looks awkwardly out-of-place.
As for Ponch, he is more concerned with an ex-con who is at the center of a series of violent confrontations involving various car clubs. I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this plot before. CHiPs has been repeating itself a lot during the fifth season. That said, the car chases led to a slow motion wreck and a scene of bouncing hydraulics. I’ve never been in one of those bouncing cars before. It seems like you would get ill riding in one of those.
Finally, Grossie wants to be a comedian. Harlan is a friend of legendary funny man Slappy White. Harlan gives Grossie a bunch of Slappy’s jokes about how black people are different from white people. Needless to say, the jokes don’t go over that well when they’re told be a white guy in a policeman’s uniform.
This episode was silly but I did like the tiger.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Miami Vice, which ran on NBC from 1984 to 1989. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!
When is Miami Vice not Miami Vice?
Episode 5.20 “Leap of Faith”
(Dir by Robert Iscove, originally aired on June 28th, 1989)
A crazed college professor named Terry Baines (Keith Gordon) is making his own designer drugs and selling them to the cult-like college students who worship his every move. Terry thinks that the drugs will help people move into a dream state. However, Terry also doesn’t care how many people die as a result of entering that dream state. Terry is obviously crazy but he’s got tenure.
Fortunately, the youthful cops of the Young Victims Unit are able to go undercover as college students and infiltrate Terry’s organization. Joey Harden (Justin Lazard) is the newest member of the squad. He’s a cop who does things his way! Zach (Cameron Dye) is the wild man. He’s from Arkansas! And Ray Mundy (Adam Storke), he’s a surfer from California! Their boss is Lt. Paul Cutter (Kiel Martin). Tania Louis (Laura San Giacomo) is their computer expert. Together, they’re….
….not Crockett and Tubbs!
Crockett and Tubbs appear at the start of the episode and then Crockett appears in another scene, in which it’s established that he and Cutter have a contentious relationship. Otherwise, this really isn’t an episode of Miami Vice. Instead, it’s a pilot for a show about the Young Victims Unit. The pilot never became a series and, watching this episode, one can see why. The three undercover cops are all way too similar. They seem like three different versions of the same guy. Kiel Martin and Laura San Giacomo at least manage to bring some life to their characters but the rest of the cast is just bland. The best performance comes from Keith Gordon and he’s dead by the end of the episode.
Next week …. Miami Vice comes to an end as Tubbs falls in love and Crockett refuses to get a haircut.
2010’a Groupie tells the story of the Dark Knights.
The Dark Knights are a legendary band with devoted fans. I’m not sure why because, from what we hear of their music, they really suck. I don’t mean that they suck in a funny deliberate way, like Spinal Tap. I mean, they literally suck. Maybe some of their popularity has to do with their habit of setting their lead singer on fire during their performances.
Unfortunately, during one performance, the fire gets out of control. There’s a panic in the club. A 16 year-old fan is stomped to death. A year later, The Dark Knights are ready to launch their comeback tour. And they’ve got a new groupie, Riley (Taryn Manning)! Riley likes to make death masks. Well, I guess everyone needs a hobby. Riley is also the sister of the fan who was stomped to death. She’s looking for revenge against the Dark Knights and their manager, Angus (Eric Roberts).
That this film appears to be based on a real-life tragedy (i.e. the Station Nightclub Fire) gives the whole film are rather icky sheen. Also adding to the film’s oddness is how straight-forward it is. Riley shows up. A mysterious killer strikes. Riley appears to be the killer and, hey — she is the killer! There’s no real attempt to create any sort of suspense or misdirection as to who the killer may be. That said, Taryn Manning is entertainingly unhinged and director Mark L. Lester keeps the action moving quickly.
As far as Eric Roberts is concerned, he plays a pretty sleazy character but he does so with good humor. Indeed, it’s hard not to have sympathy for Angus. While the band is busy setting things on fire, he’s the one who keeps the tour bus moving.
Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed:
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015! The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.
Whatever it takes, I know I can make it through….
Episode 2.10 “Take My Breath Away”
(Dir by Stefan Scaini, originally aired on December 9th, 2002)
How you respond to this episode depends on how much you know about what’s eventually going to happen to the students at Toronto’s Degrassi Learning Center.
When watched for the first time, it seems like a sweet episode about how crushes can hurt and how they can also pay off. Ellie has a crush on Marco and, after discovering that he likes Edward Gorey just as much as she does, Ellie starts to send him anonymous rhyming emails. However, Hazel also likes Marco and Marco thinks that Hazel is the one sending him the emails. Marco thinks this despite Hazel having never shown any poetic ability and also despite the fact that he just sat down at lunch and discussed Edward Gorey with Ellie!
When Marco receives an anonymous email telling him to meet his crush at the Zen Garden, Marco is shocked to discover Ellie waiting for him. Ellie assumes Marco is disappointed and runs away. Marco later tracks Ellie down and reveals that he wasn’t disappointed at all. Marco and Ellie are now a couple!
Meanwhile, Craig and Manny go on their first date. Craig wants to see a movie. Manny gets excited when she sees a rather childish carnival. Manny later tells Emma and Liberty that the date was wonderful and that she and Craig are totally in love. Craig tells Spinner and Jimmy that the date was awkward and that Manny is still too immature for him. Craig says that Manny reminds him of his five year-old half-sister, Angela. (Angela was played by Alexa Steele, Cassie Steele’s real-life sister.)
The episode ends with Manny telling Craig that he shouldn’t talk to Ashley and asking him what they’re doing on Friday night. Craig replies that they’re not doing anything because he doesn’t like Manny. AGCK!
Again, it’s a good episode. The contrast between Craig’s recollection of the date and Manny’s version is genuinely amusing. Meanwhile, Ellie finally gets a boyfriend….
Of course, veteran Degrassi watchers know that Marco is both gay and deeply closeted and that he’s destined to hurt Ellie before becoming her best friend. (Ellie was always way too forgiving.) Meanwhile, Craig and Manny are going to end up together, with Craig first getting Manny pregnant and then, several seasons later, introducing her to cocaine. Craig is also going to nearly kill Joey while having a manic episode before breaking Ashley’s heart and nearly driving Ellie to suicide in Los Angeles. Yikes!
This is a cute episode that, for veteran Degrassi watchers, is decorated with red flags.
In 2023’s If I Can’t Have You, Michelle (Bailey Kai) is the host of the hottest late night radio show in town but she’s been getting creepy phone calls from someone identifying himself as Curtis. Michelle and her producer (Gina Haraizumi) can’t get get any help from the cops (played by Jackee Harry and Tracy Nelson) so they decide to investigate on their own.
Who is Michelle’s stalker? Could it be the creepy guy (Michael Pare) who lives next door? Could it be their geeky engineer, Keith (Phillip McElroy)? Could it be Stan (Eric Roberts), the owner of the radio station who seems to be really determined to get them to change their time slot? Or could it be just some other random guy with too much time on his hands?
To give credit where credit is due, director David DeCoteau does manage to generate some suspense as to who the stalker actually is. I wouldn’t say I was exactly shocked when the stalker’s identity was revealed but DeCoteau still did a good job of giving us plenty of suspects to consider. That said, this is still a David DeCoteau film and the real pleasure of the film is spotting all of the standard DeCoteauisms. In this case, Joe’s Restaurant — previously seen in The Wrong Mr. Right — makes a return appearance.
In the end, this one isn’t as much fun as DeCoteau’s “Wrong” films. There’s no Vivica A. Fox saying, “Looks like you suspected the Wrong Stalker.” Still, it’s entertaining enough and Eric Roberts appears to have been in a good mood during filming.
Previous Eric Roberts Films That We Have Reviewed: