Seeing as how he was born in the month of August, this seems like a good time to pay tribute to Tom Laughlin, the actor who revolutionized independent American cinema through his Billy Jack films.
In four films, Laughlin played Billy Jack, an American Navajo, a former Green Beret, a veteran of the Vietnam War, a hapkido master, and a man who just protects children and other living things. When he first appeared in 1967’s TheBornLosers, he was protecting a woman from bikers. In 1971’s BillyJack, he was protecting the Freedom School from ignorant townspeople. In 1974’s TheTrialofBillyJack, he was …. well, in that film, Billy Jack did a little bit of everything but the National Guard still ended up destroying the Freedom School. Finally, in 1977’s BillyJackGoesToWashington, Billy was appointed to the United Stated Senate because what else are you going to do with someone who has killed a tremendous amount of people over the course of three films?
(Of course, in Senator Jack’s defense, they were all bad people.)
Laughlin not only starred as Billy Jack but he also directed all four of the films and, starting with BillyJack, he also handled the distribution of them. A huge box office hit, BillyJack is considered to be a seminal counter culture film. The other three films are a bit less acclaimed and TrialofBillyJack is often cited as one of the most pretentious and self-indulgent films ever made. But, regardless of their individual artistic merits, all of the Billy Jack films share an appealing mix of sincerity and silliness. Laughlin was a good actor and, visually, he was a stronger director than he was often given credit for. Some of the shots in the original Billy Jack are breath-taking. At a time when even self-styled progressive films still portrayed women in the most condescending and demeaning way possible (check out GettingStraight or R.P.M., if you dare), the BillyJack films were as much about Jean (played by Delores Taylor, Laughlin’s wife and creative partner), the founder of the Freedom School, and her beliefs, as they were about Billy Jack and his struggles to accept pacifism. If nothing else, the Billy Jack films featured actual conversations and debates about actual ideologies and philosophies, as opposed to the usual shallow Hollywood politics. Unfortunately, Laughlin was also a heavy-handed storyteller and a terrible editor. TheTrialofBillyJack goes on for three hours.
And yet, of all the BillyJack films, TheTrialofBillyJack is my favorite. It’s just so weird that it’s hard not to like it. It’s a film that doesn’t really work but, at the same time, you can’t help but appreciate all the effort that was put into it. Whatever else you might be able to say about him and his films, it’s obvious that Tom Laughlin truly did think that the movies could make a difference. There’s an aching sincerity to Laughlin’s work that pretty much cannot be found in the majority of today’s films.
In honor of Laughlin’s birthday and his legacy, here’s a scene that I love from TheTrialofBillyJack. In this scene, Billy goes on a vision quest and experiences the Three Levels. I would be lying if I said I really followed much of the logic in the scene but at least we get to see Billy hit a hippie professor. Billy also smacks Jesus, which isn’t cool but Jesus shows exactly how to handle that type of belligerence and hopefully, he provides a lesson for us all.
Learn about the Three Levels, with Billy Jack. And be sure to spare a thought for the hard work of Tom Laughlin.
There are bad movies, there are worse movies, and then there are the worst possible movies. 90210 SHARK ATTACK just may be the worst of the worst.
I’m not going to spend a lot of time on the plot, but it revolves around a group of horny college students who are spending the weekend in a beautiful mansion in Beverly Hills. They’re there for an Oceanic Anthropology class, where they’ll be working on special projects under the supervision of their scheming professor, Pamela Vantzen (Donna Wilkes). Unknown to the rest of the students, Alyssa (Stephanie Shemanski) is in possession of a cursed shark tooth necklace, and when she gets excited, bad things tend to happen.
I knew I was in trouble when the movie opened on a Beverly Hills trolley car with Christmas decorations on it, signs like “Deck the Hills” and various artwork of Christmas presents. The movie is set during the summer. I also kept wondering how they would encounter sharks since the mansion they’re staying in is “miles away from the ocean,” but it turns out that the filmmakers didn’t care about this issue, so I soon stopped worrying about it myself. What this movie does have is a loop of stock footage that includes Beverly Hills, CGI sharks, a beach, and an aquarium that it cuts back to time after time. Between the extensive credit sequences and the stock footage, I would guess the actual actors are not on the screen more than 45 minutes of the entire 75-minute runtime.
It doesn’t get much better when the actors are on the screen. I watched this because Donna Wilkes is in it. I had recently watched her in JAWS 2, and I remember her back in the ‘80’s in the enjoyable, low-budget exploitation film ANGEL (“High School Honor Student by Day. Hollywood Hooker by Night”). She doesn’t have anything to work with here, and neither do the other actors. The characters and dialogue are as ridiculous as you would expect, but in a boring way, not a fun way. So much time is spent watching them walk from room to room, or across the yard, or taking a shower, or gallivanting in the pool. I couldn’t even enjoy the shower scenes, because they only focused on the men!
When it’s all said and done, there’s very little time left for the sharks. And based on our movie, that’s not a big issue. Our CGI shark gets less than 30 seconds for the entire film. This part is sad, because the one thing that I did find ridiculously fun in a “wtf” kind of way is when the demonic ghost-shark first appears at about the 47-minute mark.
At the end of the day, I blame director David DeCoteau for this mess. I’ve been watching some of his “Wrong” series of Lifetime TV movies with the #MondayMania live tweet group. Those movies aren’t high art, but they are fun, campy thrillers, so I know he can make an enjoyable film. At the end of the day, I didn’t expect something great, but I did expect him to try to entertain us. Apparently, that was too much to ask!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! This Thursdays, I will be reviewing Alexander The Great, which was filmed in 1963 but didn’t air on CBS until 1968. The show can be found on YouTube!
This week, we take a look at William Shatner and Adam West in Alexander The Great, a pilot that never became a series.
Episode 1.1 “Alexander The Great”
(Dir by Phil Karlson, originally aired on January 26th, 1968)
Greek leader Alexander the Great (a very blonde William Shatner) is determined to defeat the forces of King Darius and conquer all of Persia. But, before he can fight his latest battle, he has to rescue his kidnapped best friend Cleander (Adam West), calm the nerves of his mentor Antigonus (Joseph Cotten), and deal with two insubordinate generals (John Cassavetes and Simon Oakland). Only then will Alexander be ready to defeat the fearsome, beheading-obsessed Persian general, Memmon (Cliff Osmond, wearing a truly horrifying wig and fake beard).
This hour-long episode features a lot of talking, a lot of scheming, and one good battle scene. Unfortunately, that good battle scenes becomes a lot less impressive once you discover that it was lifted from the 1959 film, The Giant of Marathon. As for the scheming, it’s not really a surprise when the generals plays by Cassavetes and Oakland reveal that they’re planning on assassinating Alexander during the battle. Both characters are so obviously villainous that their very presence amongst the ranks will lead most viewers to doubt whether Alexander is truly the tactical genius that everyone seems to think he is.
For most viewers, the main appeal of Alexander the Great will be the chance to see William Shatner and Adam West playing best friends. This pilot was made before Shatner was cast as Captain Kirk and West as Batman. While West gives a relatively sober performance as Cleander, Shatner shows that he had all of his famous acting tics long before he boarded the Enterprise. Shatner delivers every line as if he’s expecting to be handed an Emmy at any moment. The halting cadence is present. The overly dramatic punctuation is present. The habit of telegraphing every line and emotion by moving his head is present. This is the type of performance that feels more like William Shatner imitating himself than actually trying to play a character. Today, we’re all used to William Shatner poking fun at his reputation so it’s always a bit jarring to watch something like Alexander the Great and see just how seriously Shatner used to take himself.
Alexander the Great ends with Alexander achieving victory over both Memmon and his own duplicitous generals. He buries Antigonous, who was earlier murdered by the mutineers. And then, with a big smile on his face, Alexander hopes on his horse and rides off with Cleander and his surviving generals. Watching Shatner riding his horse, it becomes obvious that, had this pilot become a show, it would have been a western that just happened to take place in ancient Greece and which featured togas and mini-skirts instead of chaps and hats.
This pilot was shot in 1963 but it was rejected by the network and shelved. In 1968, when West was Batman and Shatner was Kirk, the pilot was taken out of storage and aired as an episode of an anthology show. Needless to say, it didn’t lead to a series. Adam West later poked fun at the pilot in his autobiography, saying that it was the greatest waste of an hour ever made. I think West was a bit too hard on the pilot. It’s not terrible as much as it’s just bland. No production featuring not only Shatner and West but also Joseph Cotten, Simon Oakland, and John Cassavetes has a right to be this mild.
One does wonder how, if the pilot had become a series, it would have deal with Alexander eventually drinking himself to death. Imagine what Shatner and West could have done with that!
2012’s Avalanche Sharks takes place during Spring Break.
Woo hoo! SPRIIIIIIIIING BREAAAAAAAK! If there’s anything that I truly miss about college, it’s Spring Break! What do you think about when you think about Spring Break? You think about the sun, You think about the days and the nights spent lazily lounging in a bikini. You think about the binge-drinking and the drug-taking and one night stands that you regret the next morning and the realization that you’re only young once.
Avalanche Sharks has all of that. It also has a lot of snow and also sharks.
SHARK BREAK! Woo hoo!
These aren’t any old sharks. These are ghost sharks that swim around in the snow and which pop out to eat the employees and guests of a ski resort. You may be asking yourself how a shark can swim in the snow and I’m not totally sure myself. It probably helps that they’re ghost sharks and not living sharks. Still, it seems like even a ghost shark would prefer the ocean. The film suggests that the sharks are the result of an ancient curse. It also suggests that the sharks are the result of global warming. I’m going to guess that it’s a combination. The ancient curse was reactivated by global warming. Either that or the ghost sharks escaped from a lab and there’s been a massive cover-up to try to keep people from discovering the truth. But, seriously, when has that ever happened?
The movie features the usual collection of characters whose names you will struggle to remember after the movie ends. (I struggled to remember them even before the movie ended.) It’s Spring Break, after all! Why go to the beach when you can just go to a ski resort and apparently spend several days sitting in a jacuzzi? The jacuzzi is a major location in this film and it’s also the film’s excuse to feature bikinis. Myself, I couldn’t help but notice that the characters who got in the jacuzzi apparently never got out, even to sleep. 72 hours in a jacuzzi is something you might do to win a car but it’s not necessarily a good idea when there are ghost sharks around.
“You are the sexiest Marine biologist I know,” one guy says at one point and that’s pretty much sets the standard for the film’s dialogue. The movie is quickly divided between those who know about the avalanche sharks and those who don’t but, to the film’s credit, knowledge does not equal safety. Just about anyone can and will get eaten by the sharks. Some of the gore is a bit icky. The start of the film features a skier suffering a rather serious injury and I briefly had to hide my eyes. That said, it also appears that the gore budget was used up early because the later effects aren’t quite as impressive. What is impressive is the performance of James Ouimet as crazy old Duffy. Duffy is the one who tells everyone that they’re doomed. He seeks revenge after losing his dog to the sharks. “LUNA!” he yells and you totally buy it.
As my friend Jim put it, this is a film the defies a traditional rating. Yes, it would be easy to dismiss it as being another shark movie but, at the same time, it’s so stupidly entertaining that you can’t help but watch. Someone somewhere once said, “Give them snow sharks!” and this film delivered. And for that, I say thank you.
I’ve never been that afraid of heights, but you’ll never catch me climbing up the side of a mountain or jumping out of a plane. I don’t have that daredevil gene that makes me want to do stuff like that. Back in 2023, our family visited Yellowstone, so we took a ride on the Beartooth Highway that runs through the Rocky Mountains in parts of Wyoming and Montana. As I was driving that gorgeous roadway, I will admit that I became quite “weak in the knees” a few times as I drove near some very steep edges. The more I think about it, I don’t really like heights that much, but I’m willing to deal with them as long as the payoff is awesome and the risk isn’t too crazy.
FALL is one of those movies that takes whatever fear of heights may be lurking beneath our surfaces and forces us to deal with them from the comforts of our own living rooms! I kept looking at my wife because it was hard for me to look at the screen, and my wife kept telling me her palms were sweating. This lady spent a decade as a flight medic, but she was still struggling.
The premise is about as simple as it gets. A year after a devastating mountain climbing tragedy, Becky (Grace Caroline Currey) reluctantly agrees to climb an abandoned 2,000-foot television tower with her thrill-seeking, social-media obsessed best friend Hunter (Virginia Gardner). Once they reach the top, the ladder collapses, leaving them stranded 200 stories above the desert with almost no supplies, no way to call for help, and only some vultures for company. This all happens in the first 30 minutes. For the remainder of the film’s 107-minute running time, the ladies will have to do whatever they can to survive.
The film succeeds because it understands exactly what it wants to be. This isn’t some deep character study about a person’s quest for the rediscovery of peace and happiness after unimaginable pain and suffering. No, this is all about creating tension, and sometimes nauseating tension at that. Every rusty rung and loose screw on the way up foreshadows the characters’ fate. Once they’re stuck at the tiny platform at the top, the camera constantly looks over the edge, forcing us to experience the mind-blowing heights and the growing desperation right alongside the characters. These are the scenes where I had to keep looking away to maintain my own sanity!
As you might imagine, this isn’t the most realistic movie in the world. It’s one of those movies that keeps setting you up to think something good is just about to happen only for things to continue to get worse. Then again, as an audience we know when watching these types of movies that things have to keep going wrong or the movie would be over way too soon. FALL definitely works best if you just go along for the tense ride, without thinking too much about some of the finer points. From that standpoint, I was able to really enjoy the film, even when some of the twists and turns along the way threatened to go too far.
I wasn’t really familiar with their prior work, but Grace Caroline Currey and Virginia Gardner do fine jobs in the lead roles. As the grief-stricken Becky, Currey does the heavy lifting as we see her go from being completely broken, to almost giving up hope, before finally finding the courage and resilience to battle for survival. As the free-spirited, certifiably insane Hunter, Gardner has plenty of enthusiasm and charisma. Once they’re stuck at the top, she also shows a lot of bravery as well. The movie spends almost its entire runtime with these two actresses, so their chemistry has to work, and it does. I’ve always liked Jeffrey Dean Morgan, and it was nice seeing him as Becky’s dad, even though it’s a small role.
One of the best things about movies is that they have the ability to take us places we would never go on our own. Not in a million years would I ever climb the rock cliff of a mountain or a 2000-foot TV tower. But FALL took me up that tower and made me feel something. It made me uncomfortable, it made me a little sick, and it made my hands sweat… and I liked it. And all from the comfort of my own living room.
“The fact is, we all started out as someone’s little angel. And a place like this forces us to become warriors or victims. Nothing in between can exist here.” — “Bottles”
Shot Caller (released in 2017), directed by Ric Roman Waugh, is a gritty, morally complex crime drama that dives deep into the brutal world of prison gangs, redemption, and the blurred lines between justice and survival. Clocking in at just over two hours, it’s a tense, character-driven story that doesn’t shy away from the harsh realities of its setting, delivering a raw and unfiltered look at life behind bars and the psychological toll it exacts.
The film follows Jacob Harlon, played by Nikolaj Coster-Waldau, a successful businessman whose life spirals out of control after a DUI accident leaves his best friend dead. Sentenced to prison, Jacob is thrust into a violent, hierarchical world where survival means adapting to the rules of the Shot Callers—high-ranking gang members who control the prison’s underground economy. The film’s title itself is a nod to this brutal hierarchy, where every decision, every move, is dictated by those at the top. As Jacob navigates this treacherous landscape, he transforms from a naive new inmate into a hardened, strategic player, adopting the moniker “Money” for his financial acumen. His journey is as much about physical survival as it is about the psychological toll of losing his identity and grappling with the moral compromises he’s forced to make.
What makes Shot Caller stand out is its unflinching portrayal of prison life. Waugh, who also co-wrote the screenplay, doesn’t romanticize the violence or the characters. The film opens with a visceral, almost documentary-like sequence of Jacob’s first days in prison, where he’s immediately targeted by a white supremacist gang. The brutality is shocking, but it sets the tone for a story that refuses to sugarcoat the realities of incarceration. The prison scenes are claustrophobic, the tension palpable, and the stakes feel painfully real. Waugh’s direction ensures that every punch, every stab, every whispered threat carries weight. There’s no glorification here—just the cold, hard truth of a system that chews people up and spits them out. Even the brief but chilling appearance of Holt McCallany as The Beast, a high-ranking Aryan Brotherhood member, leaves a lasting impression. Though his screen time is limited, McCallany’s performance is unforgettable, exuding a quiet, menacing authority that underscores the danger lurking in every corner of the prison.
Nikolaj Coster-Waldau delivers a career-best performance as Jacob. Known to many as Jaime Lannister from Game of Thrones, Coster-Waldau sheds his noble, charismatic image to embody a man broken by guilt and reshaped by circumstance. His physical transformation is striking—he bulked up significantly for the role, but it’s his emotional range that truly impresses. Jacob’s arc is one of the most compelling aspects of the film. Early on, he’s a fish out of water, a man clinging to his old life and morals. But as the story progresses, we see the gradual erosion of his principles. The moment he finally snaps and fights back is a turning point, not just for his character but for the audience’s perception of him. By the time he’s released from prison, he’s almost unrecognizable—both physically and psychologically. Coster-Waldau makes you believe every step of this transformation, and it’s a testament to his skill as an actor that you’re rooting for Jacob even as he makes increasingly questionable decisions.
The supporting cast is equally strong. Omari Hardwick plays Shotgun, a high-ranking member of the black gang who becomes Jacob’s reluctant mentor. Hardwick brings a quiet intensity to the role, balancing threats with moments of unexpected humanity. Lake Bell plays Jacob’s wife, Kate, and her performance is heartbreaking in its restraint. Kate’s struggle to hold her family together while her husband is in prison is a grounded counterpoint to the chaos unfolding behind bars. Jon Bernthal, another standout, plays a prison guard with a morally ambiguous role in Jacob’s journey. Bernthal, as always, brings a raw, simmering energy to his scenes, making his character’s motivations feel authentic, even when they’re not entirely clear.
The film’s pacing is deliberate, almost methodical. Waugh takes his time building the world and the characters, and while this might frustrate viewers looking for constant action, it pays off in the long run. The first act is heavy on exposition, introducing the prison’s power structures and the various factions at play. But once Jacob starts to find his footing, the story picks up momentum. The middle act is where Shot Caller really shines, as Jacob’s alliances and rivalries become more complex. The film’s climax is a high-stakes heist that feels both inevitable and earned, a culmination of everything Jacob has learned—and lost—during his time inside.
One of the most interesting themes in Shot Caller is the idea of control. The title itself refers to those who call the shots, but the film constantly questions who really has power in this world. Jacob starts as a man who thinks he’s in control of his life, only to have that illusion shattered. In prison, he learns that control is a fragile, often violent thing, constantly shifting hands. Even after his release, he’s not truly free—he’s still bound by the rules of the criminal underworld he’s now a part of. The film suggests that in a system as broken as this one, no one is ever truly in control. It’s a bleak message, but one that feels authentic to the story being told.
The cinematography, by Dana Gonzales, is another highlight. The prison scenes are shot in a way that emphasizes the claustrophobia and tension of the environment. The color palette is muted, with lots of grays and blues, reflecting the cold, harsh reality of Jacob’s new world. The action sequences, when they do occur, are brutal and realistic, with a handheld camera style that puts you right in the middle of the chaos. There’s no glamour to the violence here—it’s messy, desperate, and often over in seconds.
If Shot Caller has a weakness, it’s that some of its themes and plot points might feel familiar to fans of the genre. The story of a man falling into the criminal underworld and struggling to escape isn’t exactly new. What saves the film from feeling derivative is its commitment to authenticity and its strong performances. Waugh’s script also avoids easy answers. Jacob isn’t a hero, and the film doesn’t pretend he is. He’s a flawed, complicated man making the best of a series of terrible situations. The ending, without spoiling too much, is bittersweet and ambiguous, leaving you to ponder just how much of Jacob’s old self is left—and whether he can ever truly escape the life he’s been drawn into.
Another aspect worth praising is the film’s soundtrack. The score, composed by Antonio Pinto, is understated but effective, using a mix of electronic and orchestral elements to underscore the tension and emotional beats of the story. The use of silence is also notable—there are moments where the absence of music makes the violence or the weight of a decision hit even harder.
Shot Caller is a film that lingers with you long after the credits roll. It’s not an easy watch, and it’s certainly not for the faint of heart. The violence is graphic, the language is harsh, and the themes are heavy. But for those willing to engage with it, the film offers a gripping, thought-provoking experience. It’s a story about survival, identity, and the cost of redemption. Ric Roman Waugh has crafted a prison drama that stands alongside classics like The Shawshank Redemption and American History X, even if it doesn’t quite reach their lofty heights. What it lacks in originality, it makes up for in execution, with stellar performances and a relentless commitment to its vision. In a world where crime dramas often glorify the outlaw life, Shot Caller is refreshingly honest. It doesn’t ask you to root for Jacob because he’s a good guy—it asks you to understand him, flaws and all. And by the end, you do. You understand the choices he makes, even if you don’t agree with them. That’s the mark of a great character study, and Shot Caller delivers on that front in spades. It’s a film that will leave you thinking, long after the final shot fades to black.
There is cocaine. There are shark movies. There are shark movies that appear to be written whilst on cocaine. Maybe the writer is a straight up teetotaler; in which case, he has no excuse for what he brought forth. Alex Magana is horrible, but you get what you signed up for: smiling woman- there’s a smiling woman. His movies are terrible, but they deliver- terrible terrible stories. Lone Star Shark was like watching a big box store of jumbled ideas with Great Value props.
This movie clocked at 65 minutes and had the following plot threads: relationship on the skids, mental illness, sibling suicide, computer hackers, random parable quoting evil people in suits, a ghost, repeated discussions of couples weekend day trip planning, and a paper mâché shark. There was nothing to indicate that there were even in Texas; so, that was not one of the many many plot threads. It also took near a third of their 65 minute runtime to get on the water. The water was a pond- a small pond. For some reason, they were docked on shore and you could see that from the camera angle, but they kept shouting how they had to swim across the “lake”. Why? Just get out and walk home. It’s not like the paper mâché shark that was basically a poorly made pinata (credit to Lisa for seeing that) could’ve followed them home.
I guess that I will stick to the shark plotline because the others were just a mess. There’s a paper mâché pinata shark in a pond that has a really hard time eating people. I think that the time on the water was – at most – 40 minutes. The movie had no idea what it was and the shark was really an add-on the many story lines that were like a bowl of mixed up spaghetti. There’s not a lot to say about this strange movie.
2024’s Shark Warning opens with two boys playing on the beach. They’re brothers, and their uncle Ron (David Chokachi) is supposed to be watching them. However, Ron is more interested in having another beer than in watching his nephews. He walks away while they’re playing in the water. As soon as Ron leaves, a shark pops up and eats one of the kids. Well, these things happen up north….
Twenty years later, Alan Rogers (Andrew J. Katers), the brother who was not eaten, returns to his hometown. It’s been a rough few years for Alan. He’s haunted by the death of his younger brother and the sight of that shark. Alan says he’ll never forget that the shark had a scar above its eye. Still, Alan feels like it’s time for him to come back home and start doing something with his life. Of course, the first thing he does is punch out his Uncle Ron.
Ron says that he deserved to be punched, and he tries to reconnect with his nephew. Alan doesn’t want to have anything to do with Ron, but when a shark with a scar above its eye starts to eat the locals, Alan and Ron have no choice but to team up to get revenge!
Now, you may be asking why, after being absent for 20 years, the same shark would return to one particular fishing village. Well, blame the Mayor (Rebecca Ritz). The annual fishing festival is approaching. If the festival isn’t a hit, the town will go bankrupt. Unfortunately, the fish are being kept away from the village by a dam that was apparently built to keep the shark out. The Mayor pays someone to blow up a small portion of the dam so the fish can get through, but, unfortunately, the shark gets through as well. You just can’t trust small-town mayors!
You really have to feel bad for sharks. It’s true that sharks look fearsome and they’ve got those teeth that can pretty much bite through anything, but for the most part, sharks just swim around and eat whatever they run into. They don’t stalk people for years, despite what the movies tell us. Sharks are predators, but they’re not particularly mean-spirited about it. If you leave a shark alone, it will probably leave you alone as well. Even the Soul Surfer girl forgave that shark that bit off her arm because she knew it was nothing personal.
Unfortunately, due to the movies, people have a totally warped view of sharks and their personalities. That’s certainly the case with Shark Warning, which gives us a rather mean-spirited shark. That said, it’s an entertaining-enough film as long as you’re willing to accept the fact that it’s essentially just a low-budget remake of Jaws. It’s an Asylum film, and that pretty much tells you all there is to say about it. If you know, you know.
I did appreciate that one of the characters was named Lisa. Played by Angela Cole, Lisa owned the village’s most popular bar and sighed with frustration when her sister (Lauren Pike) decided to ditch work so she could go hang out at the beach. Both Cole and Pike were convincing in their roles. Even more importantly, from my perspective, is that I got to hear my name while watching the movie. That’s always nice. As for the rest of the cast, David Chokachi — who my sister and I nicknamed “The Bulge” when we last binged Baywatch (if you know, you know) — wasn’t particularly convincing as someone who had ever felt the slightest bit of angst, but he was still likable as Uncle Ron. I will give a shout-out to the actors who played the townspeople, especially the guy who failed to consider that the shark might bump his boat and break his bottle of strychnine. A real shark would never do that, but this is an Asylum shark!
In the end, the shark was definitely the hero of the film, and that’s the way things should be.
“It is not the strongest of the species that survives, nor the most intelligent, it is the one that is most adaptable to change.” — Sophia
Under Paris is one of those movies that grabs you by the throat and doesn’t let go—literally, in this case. Directed by Xavier Gens, the mind behind gritty, high-octane thrillers like Frontier(s) and The Divide, this creature feature dives headfirst into the claustrophobic nightmares lurking beneath the City of Light. And let me tell you, if you’ve ever romanticized the Parisian catacombs, this film will cure you of that real quick.
The story kicks off with a team of scientists exploring the unexplored tunnels under Paris, only to stumble upon something that definitely shouldn’t exist. What starts as a routine expedition turns into a fight for survival when they realize they’re not alone down there. The creatures in question are blind, feral, and terrifyingly fast, with a taste for human flesh. It’s The Descent meets Tremors, but with a distinctly French flair. The film wastes no time setting up its premise, throwing the audience into the dark, cramped corridors where every shadow could be a predator. The tension is palpable from the jump, and Gens doesn’t bother with slow-burn scares—this is a full-throttle horror ride.
What makes Under Paris stand out is its commitment to practicality. The creatures are brought to life with a mix of practical effects and CGI, and for the most part, it works. The designs are grotesque yet believable, with elongated limbs, jagged teeth, and a primal way of moving that makes them feel like something out of a nightmare. The practical effects, in particular, give the creatures a tangible weight that CGI alone often struggles to achieve. When they’re on screen, you believe they’re real, and that’s half the battle in a monster movie. The sound design deserves a shoutout too—the way the creatures communicate through clicks and hisses is unsettling in the best way, adding to the immersive dread.
The characters are, admittedly, a mixed bag. The cast is led by a group of scientists and urban explorers, each with their own quirks and backstories, but the film doesn’t spend much time fleshing them out. This is a survival horror flick, not a character study, so don’t expect deep emotional arcs. That said, the actors do a solid job with what they’re given. The standout is probably the team’s leader, whose growing desperation as the situation spirals out of control feels authentic. There’s also a refreshing lack of the usual horror-movie stupidity—most of the characters make decisions that, while not always smart, at least feel human. They panic, they argue, they try to rationalize the irrational, and it makes their plight all the more relatable.
The setting is a character in its own right. The labyrinthine tunnels under Paris are a horror fan’s dream—narrow, dimly lit, and filled with the kind of eerie silence that makes every distant noise sound like a death sentence. Gens and his cinematographer make the most of the claustrophobic environment, using tight camera angles and rapid cuts to keep the audience on edge. There’s a sequence early on where the team’s headlamps flicker, plunging them (and us) into total darkness, and it’s a masterclass in building tension without relying on jump scares. The film also does a great job of playing with sound, or the lack thereof. In the quiet moments, all you hear is the characters’ ragged breathing and the distant, unsettling skittering of something inhuman.
If Under Paris has a weakness, it’s that it doesn’t always know when to slow down. The pacing is breakneck, which works for the most part, but there are moments where a little breathing room would’ve helped. Some of the CGI, particularly in the wider shots, can look a bit rough, though it’s never bad enough to pull you out of the movie. And while the creatures are terrifying, their backstory is a bit thin. The film hints at a larger mythology—something about evolution and isolation—but it’s never fully explored. That’s not necessarily a dealbreaker, but it does leave you with a few unanswered questions.
All that said, Under Paris delivers exactly what it promises: a tense, visceral, and often downright terrifying descent into madness. It’s a film that understands the assignment—give the audience scares, gore, and a sense of dread that lingers long after the credits roll. Gens has a knack for blending horror with social commentary, and while Under Paris doesn’t dive as deep into the latter as some of his other work, it’s still there in the margins. The idea of something monstrous lurking beneath the surface of one of the world’s most romanticized cities is a potent one, and the film doesn’t shy away from the metaphorical implications.
In the end, Under Paris is a must-watch for horror fans, especially those who appreciate their scares with a side of action. It’s not a perfect movie, but it’s a damn effective one. It’s the kind of film you’ll want to watch with the lights off, the volume up, and maybe a friend or two to clutch onto when things get really intense. And trust me, they do. Xavier Gens has crafted a creature feature that’s as brutal as it is brilliant, and it’s a testament to his skill as a director that, even in the darkest, most chaotic moments, you’re never quite sure what’s going to happen next. Just don’t blame me if you start side-eying manhole covers after this one.
If you were walking along the beach and you noticed that several bikinis had washed up on shore, what would you do?
Me, I would probably think to myself, “That’s weird. Maybe I should get off this beach because it seems like there’s something strange happening here.” What I would not do, under any circumstances, would be to pick up a bikini and decide to wear one of them.
I mean, that just seems like common sense. You don’t wear bikinis that randomly show up on the beach for much the same reason you don’t dumpster-dive for new underwear. It’s gross. And seriously, if you’re going to the beach, you should have bought and packed a bikini before you left. It may be cheaper to just wear whatever you find buried in the sand, but sometimes it’s worth spending a little money to look good.
Like I said …. IT’S COMMON SENSE!
Unfortunately, none of the characters in 2025’s Bikini Shark have a shred of common sense. When two women come across some bikinis on the beach, they promptly put them on. Later, when another group of women happens to find some bikinis in an isolated house, they also put them on. Soon they’re breaking out into terrible rashes and, even worse, they’re being pursued by sharks that somehow have the power to live and move on land. For all the time everyone spends talking about how sick they’re feeling, it never seems to occur to anyone to just take the cursed bikinis off. Then again, no one seems to think it’s odd that there are sharks somehow making their way into the kitchen.
The villain here is Truman Sullivan (Tyler Winchcombe), a wealthy man who owns a company that makes bikinis. For reasons that are never really that clear, Truman has lost his mind and is convinced that the only way to save the world from destruction is to sacrifice women to sharks. So Truman designed some bikinis specifically to attract sharks. But why did he also design the bikinis to cause the wearer to break into a terrible rash and start throwing up? How does that fit into saving the world? Truman is one of those villains who insists that the sacrifices have to happen quickly but who, at the same time, kidnaps one potential victim and then spends what seems like an eternity monologuing. Hey, Truman, are you trying to save the world or not?
Bikini Shark is a British shark film. It takes place in Essex and features one of the most depressing beaches that I’ve ever seen. The acting is subpar. In the role of Truman’s mother, Kathi deCuoto often appears as if she’s struggling to deliver her dialogue without laughing. If there is some charm to be found in this film, it’s due to the CGI sharks. They’re cute in their way, and it’s hard not to smile at the sight of them “swimming” over dry land. Otherwise, the best that can be said about this film is that it lives up to its name. There are bikinis and there are sharks.
Seriously, though, don’t wear clothes that you just happen to find on the ground. If there’s any lesson that I hope you take from this review, it’s that.
