G.I. Joe: The Movie (1987, directed by Don Jurwich)

Posted on October 9, 2026 by Jedadiah Leland

“G.I. Joe is the code name for America’s daring, highly trained special mission force. Its purpose: to defend human freedom against Cobra, a ruthless terrorist organization determined to rule the world!”

Actually, you only thought that Cobra was a ruthless terrorist organization. In G.I. Joe: The Movie, it is revealed that Cobra is actually the brainchild of Golobulus (voiced by Burgess Meredith), a human/serpent hybrid who is the ruler of Cobra-La, an ancient civilization hidden away in the Himalayas. Golobulus not only recruited Cobra Commander, but his servant Pythona implanted the dream that led to Dr. Mindbender creating the Cobra Emperor. Despite having the power to do all that, Golobulus still has to steal G.I. Joe’s latest weapon so that he can launch and open a bunch of space spores that will turn all of humanity into snakes. It’s up to G.I. Joe to stop them. Everyone thinks that new recruit Falcon (Don Johnson) is just Duke’s irresponsible kid brother, so, of course, it will be up to him to save the day.

G.I. Joe: The Movie is actually not bad as far as 1980s animation is concerned. Cobra-La may have a silly name, but it’s a memorable location, and the scenes involving Cobra Commander being put on trial while trapped in a giant Venus flytrap are actually pretty impressive. Cobra Commander was turned into a snake in this movie, and his hissing “I was a man” is a hundred times more effective than it should have been. Since the original G.I. Joe animated series was canceled around the same time this was released, G.I. Joe: The Movie actually does wrap up the show. After fighting an ancient civilization of flying monsters and talking serpents, what was really left for G.I. Joe to do?

There are a lot of battle scenes and, again, no one dies. Originally, that wasn’t the plan. When G.I. Joe: The Movie was animated, Duke was killed while saving his brother’s life. However, when Transformers: The Movie underperformed at the box office, it was decided to release G.I. Joe: The Movie straight to video and not to kill off anyone in the cast. Dialogue was added to indicate that Duke was actually just severely injured, despite the fact that he obviously died in battle. In the movie, Duke passes out and everyone looks away with tears in their eyes. Falcon defeats Cobra-La and then says, “That was for you, brother,” while looking up at the star-filled sky. It was just a flesh wound!

No matter what else might be said, the animated G.I. Joe: The Movie was better than any of the live-action films that came out thirty years later.

G.I. Joe: Arise, Serpentor, Arise! (1986, directed by Ray Lee)

Posted on October 8, 2026 by Jedadiah Leland

With their numerous victories over Cobra, the Joes have been getting pretty cocky. When they’re nearly defeated in a surprise Cobra attack, General Hawk brings in Sgt. Slaughter to whip them into shape. Sgt. Slaughter, the wrestler? More or less. He’s never identified as being a wrestler. Instead, he’s supposed to be a real, tough-as-nails drill sergeant. But he’s voiced by the wrestler, and he looks just like the wrestler so he is the wrestler whether he admits it or not.

Meanwhile, some members of Cobra think that it might be time for a change in management, seeing as how Cobra Commander has yet to launch a single successful operation. Dr. Mindbender decides to steal DNA from the tombs of the world’s greatest conquerors and use it to create a Cobra Emperor. Since this is the ’80s, it requires a full-scale military operation to get DNA. The Joes can’t stop Cobra from getting the DNA of Napoleon, King Tut, and Rasputin, but they do keep them from getting Sun Tzu’s. The new Cobra Emperor has determination, strength, and whatever Rasputin was supposed to provide, but he doesn’t have Sun Tzu’s patience. He still manages to briefly take over Washington, D.C., which indicates that Sgt. Slaughter was right about G.I. Joe needing to shape up.

G.I. Joe is being commanded by a pro wrestler, and Cobra has perfected human cloning? What the hell is going on? It’s a cartoon about soldiers and battles where no one ever gets injured or killed. I guess they can get away with the Cobra Emperor. I liked that, even though the Cobra Emperor was loud and determined, he didn’t know the basics, like how to keep from running out of fuel and weapons in the middle of a battle. It turns out Cobra Commander was more on top of things than anyone noticed.

Who joins Cobra anyway? There are always hundreds of them, even though they never win a battle. This episode features Zartan recruiting new members. Cobra must have a good dental plan.

G.I. Joe: The Revenge of Cobra (1984, directed by Dan Thompson)

Posted on October 7, 2026 by Jedadiah Leland

It’s good to see that some things never change. Land, sea, or air, G.I. Joe is there! If Cobra ceased to exist, would G.I. Joe be disbanded? It seems strange that G.I. Joe is apparently the only opponent Cobra has, especially when you consider that Cobra is an international organization. Is there a British version of G.I. Joe?

Those questions and a lot more were not answered in the second G.I. Joe animated five-episode miniseries, The Revenge of Cobra. This time, Cobra steals a special laser from G.I. Joe and uses it to power a weather machine. As usual, Destro does all the work, and then Cobra Commander ruins everything by pushing the machine too far. The machine breaks into three separate pieces, all of which land in different and very dangerous parts of the world and continue to create havoc. The Joes and Cobra fight to retrieve the three parts. Duke, meanwhile, gets captured again and ends up fighting in the arena of the Cobra Temple again.

It’s the same basic plot as G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero, just with more emphasis on showing off all of the toys that the audience could then demand their parents buy them. This episode features Zartan and his Dreadnoks, and whenever they’re on screen, they might as well have a price tag on their foreheads, because who wouldn’t want to be Cobra’s master of disguise?

In G.I. Joe terms, a five-part miniseries is the equivalent of a 90-minute film. There’s a lot of action packed into those 90 minutes, and there’s a cliffhanger every 18 minutes. The animation is sleeker than in A Real American Hero, but it’s still clunky in that ’80s way that will either make you feel nostalgic or bored. Snake Eyes is given next to nothing to do, which is a mistake, because everyone knows Snake Eyes and Scarlett were the only members of the team who really mattered. If you watch, be prepared to hear “Yo Joe!” every two minutes.

There are a lot of battles in The Revenge of Cobra, but no one ever dies or is even seriously injured. What would G.I. Joe and Cobra do without each other?

G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero (1983, directed by Dan Thompson)

Posted on October 6, 2026 by Jedadiah Leland

G.I. Joe has been doing a pretty good job defending human freedom from Cobra, though somehow Cobra Commander is still walking free and living in a gigantic temple that any halfway decent special mission force should be able to find. When Destro shows up at the temple with the MASS Device, it looks like Cobra will finally be able to rule the world. The MASS Device is a transportation unit that is fueled by three unique minerals. Cobra Commander decides to take over the world by using the device to… steal the Eiffel Tower? I’m starting to understand why Cobra hasn’t had much success in its quest to rule the world.

After their leader Duke gets abducted by the device and is forced to fight in Cobra-sponsored gladiatorial games, G.I. Joe tries to track down the minerals so that they can fuel their own transportation device. It leads to constant battles in which everyone is blowing things up and shooting laser guns but somehow no one gets injured. In the 80s, no organization provided better job security than being a member of Cobra and G.I. Joe. No matter how many times someone failed, no one was ever fired from Cobra. No matter how many battles they fought, no one was injured on either team.

G.I. Joe: A Real American Hero was the five-episode miniseries that introduced not only the G.I. Joe cartoon but also the G.I. Joe theme song. G.I. Joe is there, according to the song, and they are. Each episode takes the Joes to a different part of the world so that they can build their transporter. It’s entertaining in a way that a lot of bad things are entertaining once they are old enough to be viewed through the lens of nostalgia. Watching, I realized that Cobra was so inept that it seemed pointless to create an entire secret army to fight just them. It doesn’t really matter. It’s just a cartoon. What matters is that, as always, Snake Eyes is the man, Destro and the Baroness make evil look cool, and Scarlet can do backflips through any battle.

Henry Golding takes center stage in the Snake Eyes Trailer

Posted on May 16, 2021 by Leonard Wilson

Ask any kid who ever played with G.I. Joes in the 1980s about their favorites, and it would usually be Snake Eyes, the silent ninja who usually saves the day while being courted by his nemesis, Storm Shadow. It’s only fitting that we get a back story on our mysterious hero. Henry Golding (Crazy Rich Asians, The Gentleman) plays the lead role, and the movie looks like it’s going to have quite a bit of action. The film also stars Warrior‘s Andrew Koji, The Raid‘s Iko Uwais, and Money Heist‘s Ursula Corbero

Snake Eyes: G.I. Joe Origins, directed by Robert Schwentke (Divergent, Insurgent) is set to release on July 23rd.

Trailer: G.I. Joe: Retaliation (2nd Official)

Posted on April 25, 2012 by Arleigh

Today we saw the release of the second official trailer for Paramount Pictures’ G.I. Joe: Retaliation (sequel to 2009’s G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra).

This new trailer show’s a bit more of the plot that was hinted at in the first trailer. That trailer told us that the President of the United States has declared war on the Joes and the survivors of a preemptive strike on the team has to try and figure out a way to get their reputations back (plus show the world that the group Cobra is not the saviors they’re showed to be).

This new trailer expands on the film’s story and also gives a bit more detail on why Bruce Willis’ character, Gen. Joe Colton, was a big part of the formation of the G.I. Joes. That’s all well and good, but everyone going into this film knows all they want is some kick-ass action. The trailers shows that and more. Hopefully, the action scenes showed is just a hint of the action in this film.

G.I. Joe: Retaliation is scheduled for a June 29, 2012 release.

My New Friends

Posted on August 11, 2010 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi. I just wanted to take a few minutes to introduce everyone to my new friends, Domo and Almighty Cthulhu…

Aren’t they just adorable? Cthulhu arrives yesterday and Domo showed up earlier today. They’ve already gotten a chance to meet some of my other friends like the Blues Brothers…

And Virgil The Alien Poet…

Also present was Dr. Zaius…

Dr. Zaius insisted on being accompanied by his personal bodyguard, an old school G.I. Joe. Pull on Joe’s dog tags and he’ll say something that sounds like, “Brewlughajthghtjewmrehawhah…” I’m guessing he was a bit more articulate 40 years ago.

Kinky Friedman, who I voted for in 2006 when he was running for governor of Texas, also showed up. Press Kinky’s back and he says stuff like, “I’m not against the death penalty. I’m against the wrong person gettin’ executed.”

Last but not least, they were met by Donald Trump. Push Donald’s back and he’ll say stuff like, “Do you think you’re a good leader? I don’t. You let everyone walk all over you and you haven’t taken responsibility for your own mistakes. For that reason, I’m afraid I have to say, ‘You’re fired.'” Seriously, he says ALL of that! Other phrases: “I should fire myself just for having you around” and “Brand yourself and toot your own horn.”

So far, at least, I think Domo is fitting in a little bit better than Cthulhu. I have a feeling that Cthulhu and Donald Trump are going to end up locking horns because they both like to be in charge. Me, I’m putting my money on Cthulhu.

Finally, in the end, what else can I say other than thank you to my friend and co-conspirator, R-Lee. Not only does he allow me to post my random and occasionally heretical thoughts on his site but he’s helped to bring me even closer to almighty Cthulhu. 🙂