Oblivion (1994, directed by Sam Irvin)

Posted on February 1, 2023 by Jedadiah Leland

In the far, far future, Earth has set up colonies all across the universe. One of those colonies is the dusty town of Oblivion, which looks just like an old west town except the deputy is a cyborg and there’s an ATM outside the saloon. A humanoid lizard named Red Eye (Andrew Divoff, covered in green scales) comes to town and kills the marshal. Red Eye and his gang take over Oblivion, planning to turn it into their own personal pleasure palace.

The marshal’s son, Zack (Richard Joseph Paul), comes to town for the old man’s funeral. Everyone thinks that Zack is a coward because he refuses to avenge his father’s death. Zack, however, is no coward. He’s just an empath who can’t handle the negative emotion that are generated by violence. But seeing as how his father is dead, his best friend Buteo (Jimmie F. Skaggs) is being tortured in the town square, and lovely Mattie Chase (Jackie Swanson) wants Red Eye and his gang to get out of town, Zack knows that he’s going to have to do the right thing and conquer his empathy.

Oblivion is a haphazard mix of comedy, science fiction, and the western genre. Some of the ideas come close to being clever but it never makes sense why an Earth colony in 3031 would resemble a one-horse town from a singing cowboy movie. (The film probably would have worked better if it had been about Red Eye invading an actual Old West town in the 1800s instead of a colony designed to look like one.) Andrew Divoff is entertaining as he hams it up as the main desperado but, as far Old West charisma is concerned, Richard Joseph Paul is no John Wayne or Henry Fonda. Quite a few familiar names were somehow roped into appearing in this low-budget space oater, though most of them only appear for a few minutes and don’t contribute much to the overall story. George Takei plays the alcoholic town doctor. Julie Newmar is Miss Kitty, the owner of Oblivion’s “social” club. In a nod to her most famous role, Newmar hisses at Red Eye and his gang but that’s all she gets to do. It feels like a waste of a cameo. Isaac Hayes and Meg Foster also make appearances, though again neither really gets to do anything interesting.

The idea of a space western isn’t a bad one and there actually have been a few good ones. (Outland, for example.) But Oblivion can never escape the drag of its low budget and its bland lead.

Horror on TV: Circle of Fear 1.20 “Spare Parts” (dir by Charles S. Dubin)

Posted on October 20, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On tonight’s episode of Circle of Fear, Susan Oliver plays the widow of a doctor who allows his hands, eyes, and vocal chords to be used in transplants. Unfortunately for her, the spirit of her dead husband is still inside of his donated body parts. Because he’s convinced that she murdered him, the dead doctor seeks an elaborate revenge on his wife.

This episode originally aired on February 23rd, 1973. It was written by Jimmy Sangster, who is best known for his work with Hammer Films.

Enjoy!

The Stepfather II: Make Room For Daddy (1989, directed by Jeff Burr)

Posted on October 17, 2022 by Jedadiah Leland

Remember how, at the end of the first Stepfather film, Jerry Blake (played, in a classic horror performance, by Terry O’Quinn), was killed by the family that he was planning on murdering for not living up to his expectations?

It turns out that he wasn’t dead after all. He was shot. He was stabbed in the back. Somehow, he wasn’t killed. Also, despite being a mass murderer, he was sent to a mental institution where the security is so lackadaisical that he manages to murder a psychologist and a guard and then escape once again.

Taking on the name of Gene Clifford and passing himself off as a family therapist, the Stepfather continues his search for the perfect family. He meets and becomes engaged to Carol (Meg Foster), who doesn’t find it weird that Gene is always whistling Camden Races. Before he can marry Carol, Gene is going to need to dispose of her ex-husband and her best friend. And, of course, Carol and her son Todd (Jonathan Brandis) are going to have to live up to Gene’s ideal of the perfect American family.

This is a disposable sequel, which eliminates all of the humor of the first film and just turns Jerry/Gene into another generic slasher. The strength of the first film was that Jerry seemed likable up until the moment that his idealized vision of the perfect family was threatened. Then he snapped and ended up in the basement, ranting and raving. In Stepfather II, Gene is obviously dangerous from the start and a lot less interesting. The movie is unfortunate and unnecessary and even Terry O’Quinn seems to be bored. Give the film some credit, though, for giving Meg Foster a sympathetic role. Gene may be crazy but no one could blame him for falling for Carol. How could anyone resist those eyes?

Horror On TV: Ghost Story 1.3 “At the Cradle Foot” (dir by Don McDougall)

Posted on October 3, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

On tonight’s episode of Ghost Story, James Franciscus plays a father who discovers that trying to change the future isn’t as cut-and-dried as it seems. When Paul (Franciscus) dreams that his daughter is going to be murdered 20 years in the future, he moves to the town from his dream to try to prevent it. He ends up falling in love with Julie (Meg Foster), who happens to be engaged to man named Ed (Karl Swenson) who looks just like the man who Paul dreamt was going to murder his daughter!

This episode originally aired on September 29th, 1972.

The TSL’s Grindhouse: Blind Fury (dir by Philip Noyce)

Posted on February 4, 2022 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Nick Parker (Rutger Hauer) may have lost his sight in Vietnam but he gained something else. With the help of surprisingly friendly villagers, Nick learned how to master his other senses. He also became a proficient and deadly swordsmen. Why would the villagers go out of their way to help an American soldier who, in all probability, they viewed as an intruder?

Does it matter?

Of course not! All that matters is that 1990’s Blind Fury features Rutger Hauer as a blind swordsman who, 20 years after returning home from Vietnam, decides to to go to Florida to pay a visit on his old service buddy, Frank (Terry O’Quinn). Frank, however, has developed a gambling problem and is currently in Reno, Nevada. While Nick is getting to know Frank’s ex-wife, Lynne (Meg Foster), and Frank’s bratty son, Billy (Brandon Call), Slag (Randall “Tex” Cobb) shows up with two corrupt cops. As you can probably guess from his name, Slag is a bad guy. He’s looking for Frank. Nick manages to kill the cops and run off Slag but, in the process, Lynne is killed. With her dying breath, Lynne asks Nick to take Billy to his father. Nick, of course, agrees.

The rest of this fast-paced film follows Nick and Billy as they head across the country. Following them along the way is Slag and his men. Frank has obviously made some pretty big mistakes and gotten on the bad side of some pretty dangerous people and it’s now up to Nick to save Frank, if just so Billy doesn’t end up an orphan. At first, Billy is resentful and does things like demanding a window seat on the bus that they’re taking to Nevada. (As Billy rather rudely puts it, it’s not like Nick has any use for the window.) Billy also laughs when Nick trips in a puddle and then tries to trick Nick into eating a rock. However, Nick soon proves himself to be more than capable of defending both himself and Billy. Soon, Billy is calling him “Uncle Nick” and Nick …. well, Nick still seems to be wondering what he ever did that was so wrong that a part of his punishment was to get stuck with such a little brat. But, that is a part of Nick’s charm.

And, indeed, Nick has a lot of charm. That’s not particularly surprising, given that he’s played by the charismatic Rutger Hauer. Hauer is convincing as both a blind man and a fighter and he bring a lot of sly humor to the role. Nick may be a warrior but he’s definitely a warrior with a certain joie de vivre. Beyond his own talents as an actor, Hauer was just one of those performers who had enough natural athleticism to look totally credible while swinging a sword at his enemies. One of the things that makes Blind Fury so enjoyable is that you never doubt that Hauer could actually do all of the things that we see him do.

Blind Fury is a fast-paced and entertaining film. Director Philip Noyce keeps the action moving quickly and he’s smart enough to avoid getting bogged down with trying to convince the audience that film’s plot makes any more sense than it does. Blind Fury is a B-action movie that’s proud to be a B-action movie and, as a result, it’s a lot of fun. The film ends with a battle between Hauer and Sho Kosugi that is genuinely exciting to watch. It also ends with the promise of a sequel, one that was sadly never made.

As I watched the film tonight (and, with the temperature currently being below freezing and a good deal of ice still being on the ground outside, I definitely enjoyed the escape that the film provided), it occurred to me that I’ve recently viewed many Rutger Hauer films. I’ve seen a few bad films starring Rutger Hauer but I have never seen a bad Rutger Hauer performance. Hauer always gave 100%, regardless of what else might be going on with the movie. That’s why he was a great actor and one who is definitely missed today.

Blind Fury is definitely a very good Rutger Hauer film. Watch it the next time you need to see that, with a little determination, anything is possible.

Dead On: Relentless II (1992, directed by Michael Schroeder)

Posted on October 28, 2020 by Jedadiah Leland

Still struggling to recover from having to act opposite Judd Nelson in the previous Relentless film, Los Angeles homicide detective Sam Deitz (Leo Rossi) finds himself investigating another string of seemingly random murders. This time, the killer is Gregor (Miles O’Keeffe), a master of disguise who hangs his victims, decorates the crime scene with Satanic graffiti, and takes a lot of ice baths. Deitz is forced to team up with a condescending FBI agent named Kyle Valsone (Ray Sharkey), who has his own reasons for wanting to capture Gregor and who might not have the best interests of the case in mind. As if having to deal with killer Russians and crooked FBI agents isn’t bad enough, Deitz is also having to deal with the collapse of his married to Meg Foster and the everyday irritations of being an intense New York cop in laid back Los Angeles.

Relentless II is a better than the first Relentless, mostly because Miles O’Keeffe is a better villain than Judd Nelson. Whereas Nelson was too twitchy to be taken seriously in the first Relentless, O’Keeffe is cold as ice and believably dangerous. He’s a worthy opponent for Rossi and Sharkey. How much Keeffe was in this movie? Just enough to make it work.

Whenever O’Keeffe isn’t doing his thing, the movie focuses on Deitz and Valsone. To a certain extent, their relationship mirrors the relationship that Deitz had with Malloy in the first Relentless except, this time, the mentor turns out to be just as bad the killer. Ray Sharkey was a good actor whose career nosedived because of his own addictions. He was always at his best playing streetwise bad guys, like Sonny Steelgrave in Wiseguy. He’s good as Valsone, giving a performance that indicates that, even if mainstream Hollywood wasn’t willing to take a chance of him, he could have carved out a direct-to-video career as a poor man’s Michael Madsen. Unfortunately, Sharkey contracted HIV as a result of his heroin addiction and he died of AIDS just a year after the release of Relentless II.

Leo Rossi gives another good performance as Sam Deitz. Rossi was usually cast as abusive boyfriends and low-level mobsters and it’s obvious that he enjoyed getting to play a hero for once. Meg Foster may not get to do much as Deitz’s wife but her otherworldly eyes are always a welcome sight.

Relentless II was the high point of the Relentless films. It made enough money to lead to a sequel. Sam Deitz’s days of hunting serial killers were not over.

Insomnia File #34: The Minus Man (dir by Hampton Fancher)

Posted on April 20, 2018 by Lisa Marie Bowman

What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

Last night, if you were unable to sleep at one in the morning, you could have turned over to Starz and watched the 1999 film, The Minus Man!

The Minus Man is a strange little film about a rather odd man. Vann (Owen Wilson) is a drifter. He avoids questions about his past with the skill of someone who specializes in being whatever he needs to be at the moment. When he rents a room from Doug and Jane Durwin (Brian Cox and Mercedes Ruehl), he tells them that he’s only drunk one beer over the course of his entire life, he always works, he always pays his rent on time, and that he’s never smoked “the dope.” He says it so earnestly that it’s difficult to know whether you should take him seriously or not. And yet, Vann is so likable and so charmingly spacey that you can’t help but understand why people automatically trust him. Vann succeeds not because people believe him but because they want to believe him.

Vann’s new in town. As he explains to a cop who pulls him over, he’s just interested in seeing the countryside. From the minute that Vann shows up, he’s accepted by the community. He goes to a high school football game and befriends the local star athlete (Eric Mabius). He tries to help repair Doug and Jane’s marriage, which has been strained ever since the disappearance of their daughter. With Doug’s aid, Vann gets a job at the post office and proves that he wasn’t lying when he said he was a hard worker. Vann even pursues a tentative romance with the poignantly shy and insecure Ferrin (Janeane Garofalo).

In fact, it’s easy to imagine this film as being a sweet-natured dramedy where a drifter comes into town for the holidays and helps all of the townspeople deal with their problems. However, from the first time we see him, we know that Vann has some issues. As Detective Graves (Dennis Haysbert) puts it, Vann is a “cipher, a zero.” There’s nothing underneath the pleasant surface. Of course, Graves doesn’t really exist. Neither does his partner, Detective Blair (Dwight Yoakam). They’re two figments of Vann’s imagination. They appear whenever Vann is doing something that he doesn’t want the world to find out about.

Whenever the urge hits him, Vann kills people. When we first meet him, he’s picking up and subsequently murdering a heroin addict named Casper (Sheryl Crow). Vann makes it a point to use poison because he says that it’s a painless death. Vann also says that he’s doing his victims a favor, as he feels that the majority of them no longer want to live. Vann is the type of killer who, after having committed his latest murder, sees nothing strange about volunteering to help search for the missing victim.

Like a lot of serial killer films, The Minus Man cheats by giving all of the best lines to the killer. In real life, most serial killers are impotent, uneducated losers who usually end up getting caught as a result of their own stupidity. In the movies, they’re always surprisingly loquacious and clever. While Vann may not be a well-spoken as Hannibal Lecter, he’s still a lot more articulate than the majority of real-life serial killers. As I watched the film, it bothered me that we didn’t really learn more about Vann’s victims. (It would have been a far different film if someone had mentioned that Vann’s third, unnamed victim was “Randy, who was just having a bite to eat while shopping for a present for his little girl’s birthday.”) Too often, The Minus Man seemed to be letting Vann off the hook in a way that a film like Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer or even American Psycho never would.

That said, The Minus Man may be occasionally uneven but it’s still an intriguing and sometimes genuinely creepy film. The Minus Man makes good use of Owen Wilson’s eccentric screen persona and Wilson gives a very good performance as a man who has become very skilled at hiding just how empty he actually is. Much like everyone else in the film, you want to believe that there’s more to Vann than meets the eye because, as played by Wilson, he’s just so damn likable. Over the course of the film, Vann and Doug develop this weird little bromance and, as good as Wilson is, Brian Cox’s performance is even more unsettling because we’re never quite sure what Doug may or may not be capable of doing. Even Janeane Garofalo gives a touching and believable performance as a character who you find yourself sincerely hoping will not end up getting poisoned.

With all that in mind, I wouldn’t suggest watching this film if you’re trying to get over insomnia. This is the type of unsettling film that will keep you awake and watching the shadows long after the final credits roll.

Previous Insomnia Files:

A Movie A Day #287: Leviathan (1989, directed by George Pan Cosmatos)

Posted on October 22, 2017 by Jedadiah Leland

A group of miners are sent into a dangerous environment by an evil corporation. When they explore an abandoned ship, they unknowingly bring a hostile creature onto their own vessel. One of the crewman is killed when the creature mutates inside of his body. The rest of the crew includes a scientist, one strong woman, one woman who cries, and a strong, silent captain.

Sound familiar?

No, it’s not Alien.

Instead, it’s Leviathan, which could best be described as being Alien underwater with a dash of The Thing tossed in. The main difference between Leviathan and the films that inspired it is that people are still watching Alien and The Thing while Leviathan is one of the most forgettable films that I have ever seen. Peter Weller is the captain. Richard Crenna is the scientist. Amanda Pays has the Ripley role and Ernie Hudson fills in for Yaphet Kotto. Daniel Stern plays Sixpack, who turns into a monster after he drinks contaminated Russian vodka. (It happens to the best of us.) Meg Foster, with her translucent eyes, represents the corporation.

That’s a good cast and the script was written by David Peoples (who also wrote Blade Runner, Unforgiven, and 12 Monkeys) and Jeb Stuart (who wrote Die Hard and The Fugitive). The above average special effects were designed by Stan Winston. Why, with all of these talented people involved in the production, is Leviathan so by the numbers and forgettable? It probably had something to do with the presence of George Pan Cosmatos in the directing chair. Cosmatos is also credited with directing Rambo: First Blood II, Cobra, and Tombstone. The first two films starred Sylvester Stallone, who was known for directing all of his 80s films in every way but name only and everyone knows that Kurt Russell was in charge on Tombstone.

If you want to see Alien underwater done right, watch Deepstar Six.

TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Parts Three and Four (dir by David Lynch) (SPOILERS)

Posted on May 29, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

David Lynch as Gordon Cole

It seems appropriate that there should be a picture of David Lynch at the top of this recap. There’s a lot of good things to be said about the third and fourth “parts” of Twin Peaks but ultimately, these two hours are all about Lynch and his unique vision.

This is especially true of the first 20 minutes of Part 3. This is Lynch at his best. Unconcerned with the traditional rules of narrative, Lynch creates an extended nightmare, one that sticks in your head long after the show itself has moved on.

Much as how Eraserhead started in space, with a hideously scarred man pushing and pulling the levers that eventually created that film’s mutant baby, Part 3 opens with Dale Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) falling through darkness, plunging into a purple cloud. When Cooper lands, it’s in a purple-tinted world that immediately made me think of the final scene in Lucio Fulci’s The Beyond.

Cooper is standing outside a house, looking out over what appears to be a purple ocean. When Cooper enters the house, he finds a woman. She is wearing a red dress and her eyes are sewn shut. The first time I saw this, I assumed that the woman was meant to be Ruth Davenport, mostly because Ruth was found without eyes. However, Ruth is not listed in the end credits. For that matter, neither is the eyeless woman.

Cooper asks where they are but the woman cannot speak. Perhaps she has lost her tongue, as well as her eyes. Suddenly, someone starts to pound on the door. The woman holds her finger to her lips, telling Cooper to be silent.

Cooper sees what appears to be a safe on the wall but, when he tries to approach it, the blind woman steps in front of him and pushes him back. As the pounding continues, the woman leads Cooper to another door and then up a ladder.

And suddenly, Cooper and the woman are standing in outer space. The house has now become a satellite, hovering in the star-filled sky. As the pounding continues on the soundtrack, the woman tries to speak but Cooper cannot understand what she’s saying. Suddenly, the woman pulls down a lever, apparently electrocuting herself before falling off the satellite and disappearing into space.

Suddenly, Cooper sees the face of Major Garland Briggs (Don S. Davis) floating underneath him. “Blue Rose,” Briggs says.

(In Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me, it was suggested that the FBI refers to paranormal cases as being “Blue Rose cases.”)

Cooper reenters the satellite. He finds himself back in the house. There is now a second woman and those familiar with the show will recognize her as being played by Phoebe Augustine, the same actress who played Ronette Pulaski in the earlier seasons of the show. If Augustine playing Ronette here? It’s hard to say. Her character is listed as being “American Girl.” Cooper does not seem to recognize her but, then again, he also hesitated before recognizing Laura Palmer during Part One. Being in the Black Lodge for 25 years can’t be good for one’s memory.

Cut to Doppelganger Cooper, driving down a South Dakota highway. At the same time that the real Cooper is once again approaching the safe in the Space House, Doppelganger Cooper is having a seizure while driving.

In the Space House, American Girl/Ronette says, “When you get there, you will already be there.”

The pounding starts again.

“You better hurry,” American Girl/Ronette says, “my mother’s coming.”

Suddenly, Cooper is sucked into the safe, with only his shoes being left behind in the Space House.

In South Dakota, Doppelganger Cooper flips his car, crashing into a mountain. Doppelganger Cooper survives but suddenly, he starts to throw up. He puts his hand over his mouth and then sees the red curtains of the Black Lodge appearing before his car.

In an empty house located the Rancho Rosa development in Nevada, a dorky guy named Dougie Jones (Kyle MacLachlan) has just paid a prostitute named Jade (Nafessa Williams). While Jade takes a shower, Dougie puts on a mustard yellow suit jacket and, judging by how ugly it is, I’m guessing that Dougie must be in real estate. (Perhaps he works for Rancho Rosa, selling people suburban houses in the middle of the desert.) Suddenly, Dougie grabs his stomach and collapses to the floor.

What follows is one of the grossest scenes ever as we cut back and forth between Dougie and the Doppelganger vomiting. Seriously, this was one of the most grotesquely realistic vomiting scenes that I have ever seen. I averted my eyes and covered my ears! It was so gross.

At the same time that Dougie vanishes from the house, the red curtains in front of the Doppelganger’s car also vanishes. But the Doppelganger is too busy throwing up to notice. Again, I have to admit that I averted my eyes during most of this. (I also realize that both Dougie and the Doppelganger were throwing up their essences, the stuff that allowed them to pretend to be human. I don’t care. The only thing I hate more than vomiting is watching other people vomit.)

Dougie is in the Black Lodge. MIKE (Al Strobel) doesn’t appear to be too happy to see him. MIKE explains that someone manufactured Dougie. I’m assuming that the Doppelganger created Dougie so that, if Cooper ever escaped from the Black Lodge, he would take over Dougie’s existence instead of the Doppelganger’s. “That’s weird,” Dougie says, as he his hand wastes away. Then Dougie’s head vanishes, replaced by a black cloud of smoke.

Back at the house, another black cloud comes out of an electrical outlet. Soon, the cloud forms into Cooper. Cooper lies on the floor, next to Dougie’s vomit (ewwww!) until Jade yells at him that they have to get out of the house.

Apparently in a state of shock, Cooper silently follows Jade out of the house. After being locked away in the Black Lodge, it appears that Cooper no longer quite remembers how to be human. Or maybe he’s not really human at all anymore. All I know is that he’s acting strange and, as brilliant as Kyle MacLachlan is, I do kind of hope the old Cooper returns at some point soon.

Because Dougie/Cooper doesn’t have his car keys (though he does still have his room key from the Great Northern), Jade gives him a ride into Vegas. Two gangster types watch as Jade drives off. One of them has a rifle. The other has a bomb. Apparently, they work for someone to whom Dougie’s owes money. Because Cooper leans down to pick up his room key, the one with the rifle does not spot him in Jade’s car. The other places the bomb under Dougie’s car, which is still sitting outside of the empty house.

While this happens, a woman — listed in the credits as being “Drugged-Up Mother” and played by Hailey Gates — is shouting “One one nine! One one nine!” while her son watches on the couch.

In South Dakota, two troopers approach the Doppelganger’s car. One of them catches whiff of the vomit and collapses to the ground, physically ill.

At the Twin Peaks Sheriff’s Department, Hawk (Michael Horse), Andy (Harry Goaz), and Lucy (Kimmy Robertson) look through all the evidence that was collected in the Palmer case. Andy says that he and Lucy can’t find out what’s missing. “If it’s here,” Hawk replies, “how can it be missing?”

As Hawk recites what the Log Lady told him — that something is missing and that the way he’ll find it has to do with his heritage — Lucy freaks out when she spots an empty box of chocolate bunnies. Many years ago, Lucy ate the bunny.

“Do chocolate bunnies have something to do with your heritage?” Andy earnest asks.

“IT’S NOT ABOUT BUNNIES!” Hawk snaps. Then, “Is it about the bunny? …. No, it’s not about the bunny.”

Meanwhile, off in the middle of nowhere, Dr. Jacoby (Russ Tamblyn) spray paints the ladders that were delivered to him at the start of Part One.

In Vegas, Jade drops Dougie/Cooper off at a casino. Dougie/Cooper has been reduced to just repeating back phrases that other people say to him but no one seems to notice. Still, when Jade tells Dougie/Cooper that he can “go now,” Dougie/Cooper has a flashback to Laura Palmer (Sheryl Lee) saying the same thing.

The casino, with its combination of glitz and the grotesque, brings out the best in Lynch. As Dougie/Cooper wanders through the casino — which is populated by typical Lynchian characters — he notices that he can see the red curtains of the Black Lodge floating over certain slot machines. Cooper pulls the levers, hitting jackpot after jackpot. As the coins flood out of the machines, Cooper announces, “HELLO!” Why? Because he heard another gambler do it. Dougie/Cooper is learning how to be human again.

When Dougie/Cooper walks away after having won another jackpot, leaving all of his coins on the floor, one old woman considers taking the coins for herself but then glances up at the camera on the ceiling — “and the eye in the sky watches us all,” to quote Casino — and thinks better of it. Instead, she just asks Cooper to tell her which machines are about to hit. She calls him Mr. Jackpot, which is kinda sweet.

Meanwhile, in Philadelphia, the FBI is meeting and — oh my God! It’s Gordon Cole (David Lynch), Albert Rosenfield (Miguel Ferrer), and Tamara Preston (Chrysta Bell). (Preston will be familiar to anyone who has read Mark Frost’s The Secret History of Twin Peaks.)

They start out discussing a senator who has been accused of murdering his wife. The senator says that he knows who did it but he can’t reveal the name because of “national security reasons.” (Since this is taking place in 2014, I’m going to continue the Casino theme and assume that the senator was creepy old Harry Reid.)

Cole is more interested in hearing about the murders of Sam and Tracey in New York City. It turns out that the cameras caught a picture of that demonic creature in the glass box.

Suddenly, a call comes in. Cooper has been found and he’s in a South Dakota prison and … oh shit! That’s not Cooper! We know that’s the Doppelganger! Regardless, Cole announces that he, Albert, and Tamara are going to South Dakota. Albert says he can’t wait to see Mount Rushmore.

“The absurd mystery of the strange forces of existence,” Albert tells Tamara. “How about a truck load of valium?”

Cut to The Cactus Blossoms, performing at the Roadhouse and announcing that Part Three is over.

Part Four opens with Dougie/Cooper still hitting jackpots and still chanting, “Hello!” When the old woman who has been following him around hits a jackpot of her own, a small smile comes to Cooper/Dougie’s lips.

A friend of Dougie’s, Bill Shaker (Ethan Suplee), approaches and he and Dougie have a thoroughly superficial conversation. Dougie/Cooper asks where his home is. Bill assures him that he lives at Lancelot Court, in a house with a red door. The house, Bill says, is near Merlin’s Market. As Cooper/Dougie leaves to get a cab, Bill says, “I hope he’s okay.”

“I don’t think he’s okay,” Bill’s wife, the wonderfully named Candy Shaker (Sara Paxton) says.

Before Dougie/Cooper can leave to find the house with the red door, he is dragged to the office of the vaguely threatening casino manager (David Dastmalchian). The manager gives Dougie/Cooper his winnings and then asks if he wants anything — like “companionship” — for the night. “Think of us as your home away from home,” he says. When Dougie/Cooper repeats that he wants to go home (his real home), the manager arranges for him to ride in a limo.

(It pays to be a winner.)

As the limo drives down Lancelot Court, the driver (Jay Larson) says that it might be hard to spot a red door at night. However, he then sees the door and oh my God, is it ever red! Dougie gets out of the limo and seems unsure what to do. Fortunately, his wife — Janey-E (Naomi Watts) — comes out of the house and starts hitting him. Apparently, Dougie has been missing for three days. He even misses his son’s birthday party! (Perhaps significantly, as everyone stands outside the house, an owl flies overhead.)

Fortunately, once they’re inside the house, Janey-E sees just how much money Dougie/Cooper won at the casino.

“Don’t tell me you hit the jackpot!” Janey-E says.

“Mr. Jackpot,” Dougie/Cooper says, pointing at himself.

“There’s enough here to pay them back!” Janey-E continues as she looks at the money, “This is the most wonderful day of my life!”

“Of my life,” Dougie/Cooper says.

“Yes,” Janey-E replies.

At FBI Headquarters, Cole has a meeting chief of staff Denise Bryson (David Duchovny). Cole tells Denise about finding Cooper and says he’s going to South Dakota. Denise is concerned about Cole traveling with Tamara. “I know your profile, Gordon,” Denise explains, “Female agent. Early 30s.”

“I’m old school,” Cole replies, “you know that.”

Cole reminds Denise that he defended her when she first transitioned. He told everyone who had a problem with her to “Fix their hearts — or die!”

At the Twin Peaks Sheriff’s Department, Sheriff Frank Truman (Robert Forster) enters the front lobby, which causes Lucy to scream and faint. Apparently, Lucy was confused because she has just been talking to Frank on the phone and she can’t understand how Frank could be in two places at once. Andy attempts to explain to her how cell phones work. “You’re so good at your job,” Andy says, “in every other way…”

At the Sheriff’s Department, we learn a few interesting things:

First off, Bobby Briggs (Dana Ashbrook), former drug dealer and murderer, is now a deputy, one who specializes in watching for drug dealers sneaking across the Canadian border. (That’s something that Bobby should know a bit about.) He also has gray hair and he cries when he sees a picture of Laura in the conference room.

Secondly, Major Garland Briggs died in a fire, a day after being the last person to see Dale Cooper. (Presumably, Major Briggs actually saw Doppelganger Cooper.)

Third, Lucy and Andy’s son has grown up to be Wally Brando (Michael Cera). Wally is a motorcycle enthusiast who has spent the last few years riding across the country. Wally dresses like Marlon Brando in The Wild One and delivers a hilariously nonsensical monologue that is largely made up of pretentious references to different Brando roles. What makes Wally’s scene so wonderful is the combination of Cera’s Brandoesque scenery chewing and Robert Forster’s deadpan reaction.

The next morning, in Vegas, Dougie/Cooper still can’t figure out how to do anything. After spending 25 years in limbo, even urination is a new and scary experience for him. Even when MIKE appears to tell him that he was tricked into leaving the Lodge and that either Dougie/Cooper and the Doppelganger must die, Dougie/Cooper looks confused. Still, his son — the oddly named Sonny Jim (Pierce Gagnon) — is amused when his father eats breakfast with a tie wrapped around his head.

In South Dakota, the police investigating the murder of Ruth Davenport are shocked to discover that they can not access the identity of the owner of the finger prints that they took off of the male Joe Doe. Apparently, it’s top secret. “Military authorization required.”

Meanwhile, Cole, Albert, and Tamara are driving out to the South Dakota prison. During the car ride, Cole complains that they’re not anywhere near Mount Rushmore but, luckily, Albert has brought a picture for him. Meanwhile, Tamara has to ride with her head leaning out of the window because she gets car sick.

(I sometimes get car sick too. That’s one reason why I never sit in the back seat. I share your struggle, Tamara!)

At the prison, Cole, Albert, and Tamara meet with Warden Murphy (James Morrison). When it is mentioned that the Doppelganger was throwing up poison, Murphy says, “Must have eaten locally.” I love that line!

Anyway, the meeting with the Doppelganger doesn’t go well. The Doppelganger, having thrown up whatever it was that allowed him to act human, is now speaking in a stiff and halting tone. The Doppelganger claims that he’s spent the last 25 years working undercover for Philip Jeffries. Haltingly, he says that he needs to be released so that Gordon can “debrief” him. Stiffly, the Doppelganger attempts to give Gordon the thumbs up sign.

After the meeting, Cole and Albert agree that something was off about “Cooper.” They agree that there’s one woman who can tell them if it’s really Cooper in prison. Cole asks if Albert still knows where she lives.

“I know where she drinks,” Albert replies.

Who could Albert be talking about? Audrey Horne? Or maybe Sarah Palmer? Sarah, after all, is psychic and appears to still have a drinking problem.

We’ll find out next week! Until then, Parts 3 and 4 — along with Parts 1 and 2 — will continue to haunt my thoughts and dreams.

Twin Peaks on TSL:

The TSL’s Daily Horror Grindhouse: 31 (dir by Rob Zombie)

Posted on October 31, 2016 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Are you scared of clowns? Sure, you are. All good people fear clowns. However, if you somehow do not find clowns to be frightening, you may change your mind after seeing Rob Zombie’s latest film, 31.

Of course, that’s assuming that you actually see 31. 31 is not a film for everyone. In fact, if you’re not a fan of Rob Zombie or his style of horror, you should probably stay miles away from 31. Bloody, intense, violent, and occasionally rather nihilistic, 31 is perhaps the Rob Zombiest of all the films that Rob Zombie has ever made.

However, if you’re a fan of extreme horror, you’ll appreciate 31. It may not always be easy to take but then again, that’s kind of the point.

The film takes place in the 70s, which means that it has a really kickass soundtrack. A group of carnival workers are driving across the desert in a van when they are attacked and kidnapped. They find themselves in a dark building, being lectured by three people who are dressed like 18th century French aristocrats. The leader of the aristocrats (played by Malcolm McDowell) informs them that they are going to playing a game called 31. For the next twelve hours, they will be locked away in a maze. They will be hunted by five murderous clowns.

Yes, you read that right. Not just one murderous clowns — FIVE! (Even worse, a sixth bonus clown eventually joins the game.)

If they can survive for 12 hours, they win. What do they win? Other than freedom, the film is never particular clear on this point. The motives of the aristocrats remain a mystery for the majority of the film. Are they just sadists, are they perhaps devote fans of The Purge who were so disappointed with Election Year that they decided to recreate the second film on their own, or is there some bigger reason behind this game of 31? The film leaves the question for us to answer.

The rest of the film is a collection of progressively more violent fights between the carnival workers and the clowns. For the most part, the carnival workers are all likable and you don’t want to see any of them harmed. The clowns, meanwhile, are just about the freakiest collection of killers that you’ve ever seen. When one of them is cornered, he pathetically begs, “We’re all pawns! We don’t want to do this!” but you never quite believe him. The deadliest of the clowns is Doom-Head (Richard Brake) and his evil smirk will give you nightmares.

31 is an incredibly intense film and it’s definitely not for the faint of heart. Everything from the acting to the set design to the costumes to David Daniel’s stark cinematography comes together to make 31 into a harrowing horror film. If you can’t stand Zombie’s trademark mayhem, I would suggest avoiding 31. However, if you’re a fan of Zombie’s films, you’ll find 31 to be perhaps the purest distillation of his artistic vision.