Earlier today, a lot of people on twitter got insanely excited when Helen Mirren showed up for a few seconds in the trailer for Fast & Furious 9. There’s nothing wrong with that, of course. Even before her casting was announced, Helen Mirren seemed like someone who belonged in a Fast & Furious film.
Personally, I’ve always been a fan of the Fast & Furious films. They’re just so wonderfully over the top while at the same time, in their own strange way, being almost achingly sincere. When Dom starts talking about family, you believe that he means everything that he’s saying. I’m happy that, after being delayed by COVID and to make room for the original release dates for Hobbes & Shaw and No Time To Die, F9 is finally going to be released. While Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham apparently will not be appearing in this film, Vin Diesel and Michelle Rodriguez are back! And it also appears that Lucas Black will also appear in this film. A lesser franchise would have just pretended like Tokyo Drift never happened but the Fast & Furious films have always been surprisingly good when it comes to maintaining continuity from film to film. There’s none of this “Let’s just do a reboot and pretend like 75% of the franchise never happened” attitude. This isn’t Halloween. This is Fast and this is Furious!
Anyway, F9 will finally be released on June 25th and I’m sure that Leonard is already making plans to see it on opening night. I can’t wait to see it myself. Check out the trailer below:
As a result of the COVID-19 pandemic, 2020 is the first year since 2008 not to feature any new Marvel films. Despite the fact that Wonder Woman 1984 still has a Christmas release date, it wouldn’t surprise me if it still got moved back into 2021. With the exception Tenent, 2020 has been the year of the anti-blockbuster.
I have to admit that, at first, it really bothered me that I was going to have to wait to see both Black Widow and the new Wonder Woman film but, as more time has gone by, the less I actually care about either one of them. I think one reason why comic book films have been so popular over the past few years is because they were relentless. There was always a new one coming out. If you were disappointed with Captain Marvel, you could still say that the trailer for Endgame looked really good. If you were less than thrilled with Batman v Superman, you could at least look forward to Wonder Woman. Now that we’re no longer being inundated on a daily basis with new MCU trailers and DCEU gossip. it’s a lot easier to realize that a few of those films were surprisingly good (and I stand by my declaration that Guardians of the Galaxy was the best film of 2014) and some of them were notably bad but the majority of them were entertaining without being particularly memorable.
That bring us to Bloodshot. Depending on whether or not Wonder Woman 1984 holds onto that Christmas release date and if The New Mutants are forgotten about, Bloodshot could down in history as the only major comic book film released in 2020. It stars Vin Diesel as Ray Garrison, a dead Marine who is revived and turned into an invulnerable super soldier. Dr. Emil Harting (Guy Pearce) sends Ray after the people who previously killed him and his wife, Gina (Talulah Riley). Ray kills a lot of people over the course of Bloodshot. He also continually wakes up in that laboratory, with no memory of who he is. Could Harting just be using Ray to kills own enemies? It’s possible, if just because I don’t think there’s been a heroic character named Emil in a comic book movie.
As a film, Bloodshot is …. well, it’s okay. If you’re going to make a movie about a relentless super soldier who can’t be killed, Vin Diesel is probably the best actor that you could get to star in it. (Yes, Dwayne Johnson could play the physical aspect of the role but his natural likability would go against the whole relentless killer thing. Diesel, on the other hand, can actually convince you that he’s planning on murdering everyone that he sees.) And if you need someone to play a smarmy mad scientist named Emil Harting, Guy Pearce seems like the obvious choice. The action scenes are well-done, even if they do go a bit overboard on the slow motion. The CGI is convincing. When Ray gets a bit of his face blown off, it legitimately looks like a chunk of his face is breaking off of him. (Fear not, Ray has super healing.) Much like Ray, the film has a job to do and it doesn’t let much get in the way of doing that job.
And yet, the film itself is never exactly memorable. There’s none of the little quirks or unexpected moments that distinguish the better comic book films. Instead, Bloodshot feels like a throwback to the days before comic book films became a big deal. We know that Guy Pearce is evil from the minute he shows up, just as we know that the film is going to end with a battle the involves a lot of flashy CGI. No effort is really made to take anyone by surprise. Bloodshot goes through the paces and hits all of the expected notes but it’s never really lively enough to be engaging on anything more than a “Hey, did you just see Vin Diesel kill that guy!?” sort of way. Bloodshot is a film that’s just there. Occasionally, it’s entertaining but ultimately, it’s rather forgettable.
When it comes to the Fast and Furious franchise, Tokyo Drift is my favorite, followed closely by Fast Five. I thought the franchise should have ended at 7 with the death of Paul Walker, but the show went on with The Fate of the Furious. They managed to close off all of the loops between the earlier movies, After a bit of a spat between Vin Diesel and Dwayne Johnson, Johnson branched off with his character Luke Hobbs and Jason Statham’s Deckard Shaw on their own film, Hobbs & Shaw.
Not to be left behind, we now have the ninth entry in the franchise. F9 reunites director Justin Lin with Vin Diesel, Jordana Brewster, Tyrese Gibson, Chris “Ludacris” Bridges, Michelle Rodriguez, and Nathalie Emmanuel. John Cena (Bumblebee) plays the villain this time around, as a thief with personal ties to Dominic Toretto. With this trailer, we see a few very familiar faces, including Tokyo Drift’s Lucas Black and Sung Kang. How Kang’s character Han is still alive, I don’t know, but we’ll find out this May when the film releases.
So, how long does the no spoiler rule for Avengers: Endgame apply? There’s so much that I want to say about this film but I know that I shouldn’t because, even though it had a monstrous opening weekend, there are still people out there who have not had a chance to see the film. And while this review will have minor spoilers because, otherwise, it would be impossible to write, I’m not going to share any of the major twists or turns.
I will say this. I saw Avengers: Endgame last night and it left me exhausted, angry, sad, exhilarated, and entertained. It’s a gigantic film, with a plot that’s as messy and incident-filled as the cinematic universe in which it takes place. More than just being a sequel or just the latest installment in one of the biggest franchises in cinematic history, Avengers: Endgame is a monument to the limitless depths of the human imagination. It’s a pop cultural masterpiece, one that will make you laugh and make you cheer and, in the end, make you cry. It’s a comic book film with unexpected emotional depth and an ending that will bring a tear to the eye of even the toughest cynic. By all logic, Avengers: Endgame is the type of film that should collapse under its own weight but instead, it’s a film that thrives on its own epic scope. It’s a three-hour film that’s never less than enthralling. Even more importantly, it’s a gift to all of us who have spent the last ten years exploring the Marvel Cinematic Universe.
The film itself starts almost immediately after the “Snap” that ended Avengers: Infinity War and we watch as Clint Barton (Jeremy Renner, returning to the franchise after being absent in the previous film) finds himself powerless to keep his family from disintegrating. After often being dismissed as the Avengers’s weak link, both Clint Barton and Jeremy Renner come into their own in the film. As one of two members of the Avengers who does not have super powers, Clint serves as a everyperson character. He’s a reminder that there’s more at stake in Endgame than just the wounded pride of a few super heroes. When Thanos wiped out half the universe, he didn’t just wipe out Spider-Man, Doctor Strange, and Groot. He also left very real wounds that will never be healed.
When the film jumps forward by five yeas, we discover that the world is now a much darker place. When we see New York, the once vibrant city is now gray and deserted. Our surviving heroes have all dealt with the Snap in their own way. Clint is now a vigilante, killing anyone who he feels should have been wiped out by Thanos but wasn’t. Thor (Chris Hemsworth) drinks and eats and feels sorry for himself. Captain America (Chris Evans) attends support groups and, in one nicely done scene, listens as a man talks about his fear of entering into his first real relationship in the years since “the Snap.” Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) is living as a recluse and is still blaming himself. Hulk (Mark Ruffalo) is now an avuncular, huge, and very green scientist. Only Natasha (Scarlett Johansson) remains convinced that the Snap can somehow be undone. She’s right, of course. But doing so will involve some unexpected sacrifices and a lot of time travel….
And that’s as much as I can tell you, other than to say that the film takes full advantage of both the time travel aspects (yes, there are plenty of Back to the Future jokes) and its high-powered cast. With our heroes — which, along with the usual Avengers, also include Ant-Man (Paul Rudd) and Rocket Racoon (Bradley Cooper) — hopping through time and space, we get a chance to revisit several of the films that led up to Endgame and it’s a thousand times more effective than it has any right to be. Yes, one could argue that the cameos from Robert Redford, Tom Hiddleston, Hayley Atwell, and others were essentially fan service but so what? The fans have certainly earned it and the MCU has earned the chance to take a look back at what it once was and what it has since become.
Indeed, Avengers: Endgame would not work as well as it does if it hadn’t been preceded by 21 entertaining and memorable movies. It’s not just that the MCU feels like a universe that it as alive as our own, one that is full of wonder, mystery, sadness, and love. It’s also that we’ve spent ten years getting to know these characters and, as a result, many of them are much more than just “super heroes” to us. When Tony Stark and Captain America argue over whether it’s even worth trying to undo the Snap, it’s an effective scene because we know the long and complicated history of their relationship. When the Avengers mourn, we mourn with them because we know their pain. We’ve shared their triumphs and their failures. Tony Stark may be a guy in an iron suit but he’s also a man struggling with his own demons and guilt. Steve Rogers may be a nearly 100 year-old super solider but he’s also every single person who has struggled to make the world a better place. As strange as it may be to say about characters known as Iron Man, Captain America, and the Black Widow, we feel like we know each and every one of them. We care about them.
Needless to say, the cast is huge and one of the great things about the film is that previously underused or underestimated performers — like Jeremy Renner, Scarlett Johansson, Paul Rudd, Don Cheadle, and Karen Gillan — all finally get a chance to shine. As always, the heart of the film belongs to Chris Evans while Robert Downey, Jr. provides just enough cynicism to keep things from getting to superficially idealistic. Chris Hemsworth and Mark Ruffalo get most of the film’s big laughs, each playing their borderline ludicrous characters with just the right combination of sincerity and humor. Of course, Josh Brolin is back as well and he’s still perfectly evil and arrogant as Thanos. But whereas Thanos was the focus of Infinity War, Endgame focuses on the heroes. If Infinity War acknowledged that evil can triumph, Endgame celebrates the fact that good never surrenders.
As Endgame came to an end, I did find myself wondering what the future is going to hold for the MCU. A part of me wonders how they’re going to top the past ten years or if it’s even possible to do so. Several mainstays of the MCU say goodbye during Endgame and it’s hard to imagine the future films without their presence. It’s been hinted that Captain Marvel is going to be one of the characters holding the next phase of the MCU together and, fortunately, Brie Larson is a quite a bit better in Endgame than she was in her previous MCU film. Hopefully, regardless of what happens in the future, Marvel and Disney will continue to entrust their characters to good directors, like the Russo Brothers, James Gunn, and Taika Waititi. (Wisely, Disney reversed themselves and rehired James Gunn for the next Guardians of the Galaxy film. Of course, Gunn never should have been fired in the first place….)
And that’s really all I can say about Avengers: Endgame right now, other than to recommend that you see it. In fact, everyone in the world needs to hurry up and see it so we can finally start talking about the film without having to post spoiler warnings!
For now, I’ll just say that Avengers: Endgame is a powerful, emotional, and entertaining conclusion to one of the greatest cinematic sagas ever.
(Warning: There are spoilers in this review. They’re not necessarily huge spoilers but they’re there. Read at your own risk.)
Avengers: Infinity War is a lot of things. It’s big, it’s thrilling, it’s emotional, it’s colorful, it’s loud, it’s flamboyant, and, clocking in at two and a half hours, it’s occasionally a bit exhausting. It’s overwhelming but it’s never boring. It’s a nearly perfect example of pure cinema, where the story is less about what happens and more how it’s told. It’s a tribute to not just the Marvel Cinematic Universe but also to the audiences who have been flocking to each movie since Iron Man was first released way back in 2008. Avengers: Infinity War is a pop art masterpiece, one that provides the first part of a climax to a saga that’s been unfolding for ten years.
In the days leading up to the release of Avengers: Infinity War, the main selling point was the assumption that this movie would feature every single character that’s been introduced as a citizen of the MCU so far. Though the film comes close to including everyone, there are still a few characters who are notable for their absence. Ant-Man and the Wasp are nowhere to be seen. None of the Marvel Television characters show up, which is a shame because I’m sure Jessica Jones would have had some choice words about the potential end of the universe. Two familiar SHIELD agents make a brief appearance, though you have to wonder where they were when New York and Wakanda were being invaded.
That said, all of the big heroes show up. Tony Stark (Robert Downey, Jr.) flies into space with Dr. Strange (Benedict Cumberbatch) and Spider-Man (Tom Holland). Thor (Chris Hemsworth) teams up with Rocket Racoon and Groot (voiced by Bradley Cooper and Vin Diesel, respectively). When Wakanda is attacked, Black Panther (Chadwick Boseman), Captain America (Chris Evans), The Falcon (Anthony Mackie), White Wolf (Sebastian Stan), the Hulk (Mark Ruffalo), Rhodey (Don Cheadle), and Natasha (Scarlett Johansson) are all present to defend it. Meanwhile, Vision (Paul Bettany) and Wanda (Elizabeth Olsen) continue to pursue their odd relationship while Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) and Gamora (Zoe Saldana) search for Gamora’s father, Thanos (Josh Brolin).
It’s a packed film and the fact that it works as well as it does is a testament to the power of perfect casting and movie star charisma. At this point, we feel as if we know these characters. We know that Tony Stark is going to be haunted by what happened the last time Thanos’s minions involved New York. We know that Spider-Man is going to be desperate to prove that he belongs with the adults, just as we know that Dr. Strange isn’t going to be particularly impressed with anyone he meets. Needless to say, some characters get more screen time than others. Despite a good deal of the film taking place in Wakanda, Black Panther largely stays in the background. I personally wish that both Natasha and Captain America had been given a bit more to do. Considering just how talented both Anthony Mackie and Don Cheadle are, it’s a shame that neither one of them ever gets to do much in these films. At the same time, Infinity Wars allows both Elizabeth Olsen and Paul Bettany to come into their own and Chris Hemsworth again shows that he may be the most underrated star in the MCU. I’ve read a lot of criticism of certain actions taken by Peter Quill towards the end of the film but actually, it’s exactly what you would expect his character to do in the situation and, up until that moment, Chris Pratt is a welcome presence. It’s important to have someone around who appreciates good music and who can make you laugh, especially considering that Thanos is planning to wipe out 50% of the universe’s population…
Oh yes, Thanos. After spending years lurking in the background, Thanos finally steps forward in Infinity War. In fact, it can be argued that Avengers: Infinity War is actually much more of a Thanos film than an Avengers film. While our heroes are continually spending the film trying to catch up to Thanos and reacting to his latest action, Thanos is always one step ahead. Thanos is the one who steers the narrative and, for once, you really do believe that an MCU villain views the heroes as being mere distractions. Thanos is the one on a quest and the film follows him through every step of his search. In fact, the film’s most emotional moments belong to Thanos. For all the death and destruction to be found in the film’s surprisingly dark narrative, Thanos is the only character to ever shed a tear. Like all great villains, Thanos doesn’t view himself as being evil. Instead, Thanos speaks very sincerely of his desire to bring balance to the universe. The scary thing about Thanos isn’t that he claims that he’s being merciful when he slaughters millions of beings. The scary thing about Thanos is that believes it.
Thanos, you see, is a bit of an intergalactic environmentalist. As he explains it, the universe only has a finite number of resources. By killing half of the universe’s population, he is ensuring that the other half will be able to survive in peace and harmony. Most people would call Thanos’s actions genocidal but Thanos would probably say that he’s merely making the difficult decisions that others don’t have the courage or intelligence to make. It may all sound rather far-fetched and melodramatic until you consider that, just last week, bureaucrats and doctors in the UK decided it would be better to starve a sick infant to death rather than allow his parents to take him to be treated in another country. With his mix of narcissism and absolutely belief in his own moral certitude, Thanos is a far more familiar villain than a lot of viewers might want to admit. As opposed to the forgettable villains who have appeared in so many MCU films, Thanos is a compelling and complicated figure. It’s interesting to note that two of the best performances of the year so far were given by actors appearing as villains in MCU films, Michael B. Jordan in Black Panther and Josh Brolin in this one.
As befits the film’s subject matter, Infinity War is a sprawling film, one that skips from world to world. The visuals are frequently spectacular, as are the many battles. From the opening attack on New York to the final battles in Wakanda and in space, the action is non-stop and thrilling. (It helps that, as opposed to some of the previous MCU films, it’s always clear who is fighting who and why they’re fighting.) For me, though, the most memorable scenes are the scenes where Thanos looks and considers the worlds that he’s destroyed. There’s a scene where an exhausted Thanos rests on a placid planet and it’s one of the strongest images in the history of the MCU.
I’ve been told that I shouldn’t worry too much about all of the characters who are killed over the course of Infinity War. From what I’ve been told, it’s apparently something of a tradition in Marvel comics to kill off a bunch of recognizable characters and then have them come back to life an issue or two later. And the fact that the sequel to Infinity War has already been filmed and is set to released next year leads me to suspect that nothing’s permanent. I mean, if all of these people are really dead, there aren’t going to be many heroes left to make any more movies about. That said, I still got far more emotional than I probably should have at some of the unexpected demises. Especially … well, no. I won’t say the name. But seriously, it was upsetting.
2018 is shaping up to be the year of Marvel. So far, Marvel has released two of the best films of the year. To be honest, a film as huge as Infinity War shouldn’t have worked and yet, it does. It’s a masterpiece of pop art.*
With the release of Avengers: Infinity War right around the corner, Marvel has released a whole new collection of character posters! Just in case you were wondering who, from the MCU, is going to show up in Infinity War, here’s a partial reminder!
(By the way, the answer would appear to be just about everyone who has ever appeared in an MCU film!)
(MINOR SPOILERS! SPECIFICALLY, THE IDENTITY OF THIS FILM’S MAIN VILLAIN WILL BE REVEALED)
The Guardians of the Galaxy are back!
And this time, they’ve brought some new friends with them, friends with names like Kurt Russell, Sylvester Stallone, and … David Hasselhoff?
That’s right. David Hasselhoff is now a part of the Marvel Cinematic Universe and somehow, it feels totally appropriate. For all the words that have been written comparing Guardians of the Galaxy to the Star Wars franchise, it’s true ancestor is the 1978 Italian film, Starcrash. (Perhaps not coincidentally, Starcrash was Hasselhoff’s film debut.) Watch the trailer below and just try to tell me that you can’t imagine Chris Pratt and Zoe Saldana in the lead roles.
But enough about my obsession with Italian exploitation films. I know the question that you want answered. Is Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 as good as the first one?
Well, it depends on how you look at it. Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 is an absolute blast, a wonderfully entertaining film that mixes subversive comedy with sci-fi action. Everyone from the first film — Chris Pratt, Zoe Saldana, Dave Bautista, Karen Gillan, Michael Rooker, and the voices of Bradley Cooper and Vin Diesel — is back and they’ve still got the same winning chemistry that made the first film so much fun. Everyone is still committed to their roles, delivering even the strangest of dialogue with undeniable flair. Nobody’s gotten bored with saving the universe yet. The new additions to the cast are all well selected. Kurt Russell totally disproves the assumption that MCU villains are never as interesting as their heroic opponents but, then again, it helps that he’s playing a character who has a memorable and odd backstory. Once again, director James Gunn combines crowd-pleasing moments with his own sharp sense of humor. If the pompous tone of Man of Steel and Batman v Supermanmade you sick, Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 is the perfect antidote.
Unfortunately, Volume 2 doesn’t provide the same thrill of discovery as the first film. It’s easy to forget that, before the first film came out, a lot of people were predicting that Guardians of the Galaxy would be the first MCU film to flop at the box office. The conventional wisdom was that, as opposed to a character like Captain America, no one, outside of a few comic book readers, knew who the Guardians of the Galaxy were. Chris Pratt was just the goofy guy from Parks and Recreation. A talking raccoon? A walking tree? It was all way too weird, the naysayers proclaimed, to appeal to a mainstream audience.
However, James Gunn proved them wrong. Guardians of the Galaxy was not only the most successful MCU film to that date but it was also my pick for the best film of 2014. I can still remember watching it for the first time and immediately falling in love with both the film’s skewered sensibility and Chris Pratt’s funny but soulful performance. As opposed to a lot of films that were nominated for and won Oscars that year, Guardians of the Galaxy actually holds up after repeat viewings.
(Seriously, has anyone tried to rewatch Birdmanlately?)
Going into the sequel, everyone now knows who the Guardians are and Chris Pratt is now a beloved film star. Volume 2 has a lot to live up to and, for the most part, it succeeds. It’s a tremendous amount of fun and, at the same time, it has a heart. (The heart at the center of the Guardian of the Galaxy films is perhaps the biggest heart in the MCU.)
What is the film about? Much like the first film, it’s about family. After years of telling everyone that his father was David Hasselhoff, Peter Quill (Chris Pratt) finally meets his real father (Kurt Russell), a God-like figure named Ego. Charismatic, cheerful, and just a little bit odd, Ego seems like the perfect father figure but he has some secrets of his own. Russell gives a wonderful performance, making Ego one of the few MCU villains to be as interesting as the heroes.
While Peter is bonding with his dad, he is also being pursued by his adoptive father, the blue-skinned space pirate named Yondu (Michael Rooker). Yondu has been rejected by both his adopted son and the rest of his adopted family. The other space pirates are no longer loyal to him. His former boss (Sylvester Stallone) wants nothing to do with him. As silly as it all may sound, it’s also unexpectedly poignant, thanks to Michael Rooker’s performance. Rooker has appeared in several of Gunn’s films. He’s almost the Cary Grant to Gunn’s Alfred Hitchcock. Rooker gives one of the best performances of his careeer in the role of Yondu. It’s tempting to be dismissive of Yondu, with his blue-skin and his Alabama accent, but Rooker makes him one of the most compelling characters to ever be found in an MCU film.
Meanwhile, Rocket Raccoon (voiced again by Bradley Cooper) has become a surrogate father figure to Groot (voice by Vin Diesel), who is still just a baby tree. (Groot, a living tree, was reduced to just a twig at the end of the first film. Fortunately, Rocket planted the twig and, in another few movies, we’ll hopefully have a fully grown Groot.) Yes, Baby Groot does get to dance, again. At one point, one of the film’s villains forbids any of his henchmen from attacking Baby Groot because he’s just too adorable to destroy. And he’s right! After this movie, everyone will want a Baby Groot of their own.
Gamora (Zoe Saldana) has been reunited with her sister, Nebula (Karen Gilliam) and, once again, they spend most of the movie trying to kill each other. I have three older sisters so I related to their relationship.
And finally, Drax (Dave Bautista) is still mourning his family. Fortunately, he gets to spend some quality time with Ego’s odd assistant, an empath named Mantis (Pom Klementieff). Drax and Mantis both have no idea how social interaction is supposed to work and their scenes together are definitely a highlight of the film. Bautista and Klementieff share a really likable chemistry. Bautista is one of those actors who can make you laugh just be giving the camera a quizzical look. Drax may not be as a complicated as the other Guardians but that simplicity often makes him as interesting as his more complex compatriots.
The film’s not only about family. It’s also a strike against elitism and a celebration for freedom. Over the course of two films, the Guardians have battled against both an actual god and a fanatic who claimed to speak for God. At a time when so many movie heroes are tools of authoritarianism, the Guardians of the Galaxy stand for freedom. In many ways, Peter Quill is as much of a symbol for liberty as Captain America. Captain America makes his point with a shield while Peter Quill makes his case by dancing.
As might be expected from an MCU film, Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 is full of thrilling visuals, exciting battles, and quotable one liners. Even if it never reaches the heights of the first one, it’s a blast of a film and, as Arleigh told me it would, the finale brought tears to my mismatched eyes. See it and have a good time.
Also, be sure to stick around through the entire end credits. Along with a lot of clues about what might happen in the future of the MCU, there’s also one final Groot joke that made me laugh out loud.
The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy is shaping up to be the cinematic equivalent of a twitter parody account.
That’s the conclusion that I reached today after my BFF Evelyn and I watched the second part of the trilogy, Fifty Shades Darker. Since we had both read the book, we weren’t shocked when Fifty Shades Darker turned out to be a bad movie. Hell, we weren’t surprised when Fifty Shades of Grey turned out to be bad, either. Each subsequent book was worst than the one that came before it so, when the film version of Fifty Shades Freer is released next year, it should be the worst of all.
Still, nothing could have prepared us for the amount of laugh-out-loud moments and odd details that were offered up in Fifty Shades Darker. Consider just a few:
Having broken up with Christian “I’m fifty shades of fucked up” Grey at the end of the previous film, Ana Steele (Dakota Johnson, doing penance in the hope of being sprung from Purgatory) is now working for a hip and trendy Seattle publishing company! How do we know that it’s hip and trendy? Well, it’s in Seattle and it’s called Seattle Independent Publishing! (As opposed to Seattle Corporate Press.) Her boss, Jack (Eric Hyde) leers at her in a style that basically screams, “Lifetime movie villain!” There’s a scene in which Ana tells her editors that they should be making more of an attempt to reach readers in the “18-24 demographic” and everyone reacts as if this is the first time that they’ve ever heard about this concept. You half expect someone to say, “18 to 24 year olds! WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT!?” Seriously, after seeing this, I’m going to send my resume to the Dallas Observer, along with a note that says, “18-24. Hire me for more info.”
When Christian (poor Jamie Dornan, who I’m pretty sure was trying to blink out an S.O.S. signal at certain points in the film) and Ana first reunite, it’s to attend an art show. Ana’s artist friend has filled an entire gallery with photos of Ana, the majority of which resemble the “sexy” photos that Darcy posted to her MyRoom page in that very special episode of Degrassi. Christian buys all the pictures because he can’t handle the idea of anyone else having Ana on their wall. This obsessive and controlling act is just enough to apparently make Ana reconsider her decision to dump Christian because he was being too obsessive and controlling.
Christian eventually confesses to Ana that he’s only attracted to women who look like his mother and he punishes them because he’s angry with her. “Oh, Christian, your Oedipal complex is so sexy,” Ana coos. Okay, she doesn’t say that. I said that and then Evelyn said something that I can’t repeat. And then we laughed and laughed. Don’t get me wrong. I know that everyone has their issues and God knows, I’ve got a few myself. But the minute a guy tells me that he’s only dating me because I look like his mother, that’s the minute I leave.
When Christian tells Ana about his messed up childhood, Ana responds by drawing on his chest with lipstick. And I swear, that lipstick remains on his chest — without a smudge — for at least a few days. Every time we would catch a glimpse of those perfect lipstick markings on Christian’s chest, Evelyn and I would start laughing. I mean, drawing on your partner (or having your partner draw on you) can be fun but most people wash it off after a while.
(Incidentally, when the Scary Movie people get around to parodying this movie, you know that the lipstick scene is going to be recreated.)
Christian’s childhood bedroom is decorated with a poster of Vin Diesel. When Christian is pouring out his heart, Vin Diesel is glowering in the background. It would have been neat if the poster had suddenly come to life. Perhaps Vin could have suddenly appeared in the bedroom and said, “Someday … BUT NOT TODAY!”
And I’m not even going to talk about the Ben Wa balls.
Anyway, there’s really not much of a plot in Fifty Shades Darker. Ana gets back together with Christian but says that she wants to have a “vanilla” relationship. Christian agrees but he still keeps doing controlling stuff, like buying Ana’s company and freezing her bank account. Ana gets mad. Ana breaks up with him. They get back together. This happens a few times. Christian tells Ana to stay away from a man. Ana gets upset but then the man tries to rape her which feels like the film’s way of putting her in her place for doubting Christian’s instincts when it comes to men. Kim Basinger pops up as the woman who introduced Christian to BDSM and tells Ana that Christian will never be happy in a vanilla relationship. Ana says that vanilla is her favorite ice cream. Here’s my thing: why can’t Ana come up with a more complimentary term than “vanilla” to describe her relationship goals? I mean, Ana’s clever. She came up with that whole 18-24 thing, after all.
There’s also a crazy woman (Bella Heathcote) who shows up occasionally. We know she’s crazy because she’s dressed like someone who lives in an abandoned subway tunnel. She occasionally grabs Ana and says, “I’m nobody!” Hmmm….I wonder what that’s about…
(Well, don’t wonder too much. There’s not a single mystery or question in Fifty Shades Darker that isn’t solved a scene or two after it’s raised.)
One of the redeeming things about Fifty Shades of Grey is that neither Dakota Johnson nor director Sam Taylor-Johnson seemed to be taking it all that seriously. Dakota would pause meaningfully before delivering the worst of her dialogue, a sign that even she couldn’t believe what she was about to say. Meanwhile, Sam Taylor-Johnson’s direction suggested that she found the story to be just as ludicrous and stupid as everyone else. However, Fifty Shades Darker is directed by James Foley. Foley is a veteran director, one who has been making films since before I was born. He does a workmanlike job and you can almost hear him shouting, “Now, where’s my paycheck!?” during certain scenes. Under Foley’s direction, there’s no winking at the audience. There’s no hints of subversion. Foley’s direction is very literal and more than a little dull. He was hired to direct a big-budget version of a Chanel No. 5 commercial and that’s exactly what he does.
The other big issue with Fifty Shades Darker is that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have very little romantic chemistry. They both look good naked but that’s about it. Jamie looks miserable to be there and Dakota seems to be trying to keep herself amused. The lack of chemistry was less of a problem in Fifty Shades of Grey. In that film, all that mattered was that Christian was rich and hot and Ana didn’t really haven’t anything better to do. But, in Fifty Shades Darker, we’re asked to believe that they’re actually deeply in love and … no, it just doesn’t work.
Evelyn and I laughed through the entire movie. In the past, we’ve gotten in trouble for doing this because we do have a tendency to get a little bit loud. However, nobody in the audience seemed to mind.
Anyway, Fifty Shades Freer will be coming out next year. Hopefully, someone will read this review and work my idea about the Vin Diesel cameo into the film.
Oh my God, y’all — the Hollywood Film Awards were held on Sunday and a bunch of potential Oscar contenders were honored! Which all leads to one very important question:
What the Hell are the Hollywood Film Awards?
As I pondered that question, I realized that I had vague memories of sitting through the Hollywood Film Awards last year. The ceremony was broadcast on CBS and it was distinguished from other awards shows in that there were no nominees. Instead, only the winners were announced. It was so amazingly dull and I can remember watching it and thinking, “Awards season has finally jumped the shark.”
(And this was even before Sasha Stone and Jeff Wells had their annual breakdowns…)
Anyway, the Hollywood Film Awards for 2015 were given out on Sunday and I’m assuming they weren’t televised. (I was busy watching A Student’s Obsession anyway…) You can find the winners below. For the most part, it’s a pretty boring list (and why give out awards in November?) but it does allow us an early glimpse into some of the films and performers that are contending for Oscar gold.
Here’s the list. Along with a gif of a kitty showing just how excited he is over Awards Season…
“YAY! AWARDS! I’M SO EXCITED..I’M SO EXCITED… I’M SO … SCARED!”
Career Achievement Award presented to Robert De Niro by David O. Russell.
Producer Award presented to Ridley Scott (“The Martian) by Russell Crowe.
Director Award presented to Tom Hooper (“The Danish Girl”) by Amber Heard.
Actor Award presented to Will Smith (“Concussion”) by Jamie Foxx.
Actress Award presented to Carey Mulligan (“Suffragette”) by Jake Gyllenhaal.
Supporting Actor Award presented to Benicio Del Toro (“Sicario”) by Reese Witherspoon.
Supporting Actress Award presented to Jane Fonda (“Youth”) by Laura Dern.
Breakout Actor Award presented to Joel Edgerton (“Black Mass”) by Johnny Depp, Dakota Johnson.
Breakout Actress Award presented to Alicia Vikander (“The Danish Girl”) by Armie Hammer.
New Hollywood Award presented to Saoirse Ronan (“Brooklyn”) by Ryan Gosling.
Through the Shattered Lens 