2017 in Review: Lisa Marie’s Picks For the 16 Worst Films of 2017!


Well, it’s the second week of January and that means that it’s time for me to now to announce my picks for the best and worst of the previous year!  Let’s start things out with my picks for the 16 worst films of 2017!

(Why 16?  Because Lisa doesn’t do odd numbers.)

(Also be sure to check out my picks for 2016, 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012, 2011, and 2010!)

16. Fifty Shades Darker,

15. Snatched,

14. King Arthur: Legend of the Sword,

13. Transformers: The Last Knight,

12. The Glass Castle,

11. Beatriz at Dinner,

10. Alien: Covenant,

9. Rings,

8. The Last Word,

7. The Circle,

6. Fist Fight,

5. All Eyez On Me,

4. To The Bone,

3. The Emoji Movie,

2. The Book of Henry,

And the worst film of 2017 was…

  1. Wolves at the Door

Tomorrow, my look back at 2017 continues with my picks for the greatest moments for the best and most important television show of 2017, Twin Peaks: The Return!

Previous entries in the TSL’s Look Back at 2017:

  1. 2017 in Review: Top Ten Single Issues by Ryan C
  2. 2017 in Review: Top Ten Series by Ryan C
  3. 2017 In Review: Top Ten Collected Edition (Contemporary) by Ryan C
  4. 2017 In Review: Top Ten Collected Editions (Vintage) by Ryan C
  5. 2017 in Review: Top Ten Graphic Novels By Ryan C
  6. 25 Best, Worst, and Gems I saw in 2017 by Valerie Troutman
  7. My Top 15 Albums of 2017 by Necromoonyeti

Here Are the 70 Songs That Are Eligible For Best Original Song of 2017!


 

Today, the Academy announced the 70 songs that will be eligible to be nominated for best original song!  So, if you’re putting down bets and making out your predictions, here are your best song possibilities:

“U.N.I (You And I)” from “And the Winner Isn’t”
“Love And Lies” from “Band Aid”
“If I Dare” from “Battle of the Sexes”
“Evermore” from “Beauty and the Beast
“How Does A Moment Last Forever” from “Beauty and the Beast
“Now Or Never” from “Bloodline: Now or Never”
“She” from “Bombshell: The Hedy Lamarr Story”
“Your Hand I Will Never Let It Go” from “The Book of Henry”
“Buddy’s Business” from “Brawl in Cell Block 99”
“The Crown Sleeps” from “The Breadwinner”
“World Gone Mad” from “Bright”
“Mystery Of Love” from “Call Me by Your Name”
“Visions Of Gideon” from “Call Me by Your Name”
“Captain Underpants Theme Song” from “Captain Underpants The First Epic Movie”
“Ride” from “Cars 3”
“Run That Race” from “Cars 3”
“Tell Me How Long” from “Chasing Coral”
“Broken Wings” from “City of Ghosts”
“Remember Me” from “Coco”
“Prayers For This World” from “Cries from Syria”
“There’s Something Special” from “Despicable Me 3”
“It Ain’t Fair” from “Detroit”
“A Little Change In The Weather” from “Downsizing”
“Stars In My Eyes (Theme From Drawing Home)” from “Drawing Home”
“All In My Head” from “Elizabeth Blue”
“Dying For Ya” from “Elizabeth Blue”
“Green” from “Elizabeth Blue”
“Can’t Hold Out On Love” from “Father Figures”
“Home” from “Ferdinand”
“I Don’t Wanna Live Forever” from “Fifty Shades Darker
“You Shouldn’t Look At Me That Way” from “Film Stars Don’t Die in Liverpool”
“This Is How You Walk On” from “Gifted”
“Summer Storm” from “The Glass Castle
“The Pure And The Damned” from “Good Time”
“This Is Me” from “The Greatest Showman”
“The Hero” from “The Hero
“How Shall A Sparrow Fly” from “Hostiles”
“Just Getting Started” from “If You’re Not in the Obit, Eat Breakfast”
“Truth To Power” from “An Inconvenient Sequel: Truth to Power”
“Next Stop, The Stars” from “Kepler’s Dream”
“The Devil & The Huntsman” from “King Arthur: Legend of the Sword
“Have You Ever Wondered” from “Lake of Fire”
“I’ll Be Gone” from “Lake of Fire”
“We’ll Party All Night” from “Lake of Fire”
“Friends Are Family” from “The Lego Batman Movie
“Found My Place” from “The Lego Ninjago Movie”
“Stand Up For Something” from “Marshall”
“Rain” from “Mary and the Witch’s Flower”
“Myron/Byron” from “The Meyerowitz Stories (New and Selected)”
“Longing For Summer” from “Moomins and the Winter Wonderland”
“Mighty River” from “Mudbound”
“Never Forget” from “Murder on the Orient Express”
“Hold The Light” from “Only the Brave”
“PBNJ” from “Patti Cake$”
“Tuff Love (Finale)” from “Patti Cake$”
“Lost Souls” from “The Pirates of Somalia”
“How A Heart Unbreaks” from “Pitch Perfect 3”
“The Promise” from “The Promise”
“Kaadanayum Kaalchilambe” from “Pulimurugan”
“Maanathe Maarikurumbe” from “Pulimurugan”
“Stubborn Angel” from “Same Kind of Different as Me”
“Dancing Through The Wreckage” from “Served Like a Girl”
“Keep Your Eyes On Me” from “The Shack”
“On The Music Goes” from “Slipaway”
“The Star” from “The Star”
“Jump” from “Step”
“Tickling Giants” from “Tickling Giants”
“Fly Away” from “Trafficked”
“Speak To Me” from “Voice from the Stone”
“Walk On Faith” from “Year by the Sea”

The Academy also announced that 141 films will be eligible for Best Original Score.  In the interest of space, I’m not going to post them all here.  You can check out the list on Awards Watch!

Film Review: Fifty Shades Darker (dir by James Foley)


The Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy is shaping up to be the cinematic equivalent of a twitter parody account.

That’s the conclusion that I reached today after my BFF Evelyn and I watched the second part of the trilogy, Fifty Shades Darker.  Since we had both read the book, we weren’t shocked when Fifty Shades Darker turned out to be a bad movie.  Hell, we weren’t surprised when Fifty Shades of Grey turned out to be bad, either.  Each subsequent book was worst than the one that came before it so, when the film version of Fifty Shades Freer is released next year, it should be the worst of all.

Still, nothing could have prepared us for the amount of laugh-out-loud moments and odd details that were offered up in Fifty Shades Darker.  Consider just a few:

Having broken up with Christian “I’m fifty shades of fucked up” Grey at the end of the previous film, Ana Steele (Dakota Johnson, doing penance in the hope of being sprung from Purgatory) is now working for a hip and trendy Seattle publishing company!  How do we know that it’s hip and trendy?  Well, it’s in Seattle and it’s called Seattle Independent Publishing!  (As opposed to Seattle Corporate Press.)  Her boss, Jack (Eric Hyde) leers at her in a style that basically screams, “Lifetime movie villain!”  There’s a scene in which Ana tells her editors that they should be making more of an attempt to reach readers in the “18-24 demographic” and everyone reacts as if this is the first time that they’ve ever heard about this concept.  You half expect someone to say, “18 to 24 year olds!  WHY DIDN’T WE THINK OF THAT!?”  Seriously, after seeing this, I’m going to send my resume to the Dallas Observer, along with a note that says, “18-24.  Hire me for more info.”

When Christian (poor Jamie Dornan, who I’m pretty sure was trying to blink out an S.O.S. signal at certain points in the film) and Ana first reunite, it’s to attend an art show.  Ana’s artist friend has filled an entire gallery with photos of Ana, the majority of which resemble the “sexy” photos that Darcy posted to her MyRoom page in that very special episode of Degrassi.  Christian buys all the pictures because he can’t handle the idea of anyone else having Ana on their wall.  This obsessive and controlling act is just enough to apparently make Ana reconsider her decision to dump Christian because he was being too obsessive and controlling.

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Christian eventually confesses to Ana that he’s only attracted to women who look like his mother and he punishes them because he’s angry with her.  “Oh, Christian, your Oedipal complex is so sexy,” Ana coos.  Okay, she doesn’t say that.  I said that and then Evelyn said something that I can’t repeat.  And then we laughed and laughed.  Don’t get me wrong.  I know that everyone has their issues and God knows, I’ve got a few myself.  But the minute a guy tells me that he’s only dating me because I look like his mother, that’s the minute I leave.

When Christian tells Ana about his messed up childhood, Ana responds by drawing on his chest with lipstick.  And I swear, that lipstick remains on his chest — without a smudge — for at least a few days.  Every time we would catch a glimpse of those perfect lipstick markings on Christian’s chest, Evelyn and I would start laughing.  I mean, drawing on your partner (or having your partner draw on you) can be fun but most people wash it off after a while.

(Incidentally, when the Scary Movie people get around to parodying this movie, you know that the lipstick scene is going to be recreated.)

Christian’s childhood bedroom is decorated with a poster of Vin Diesel.  When Christian is pouring out his heart, Vin Diesel is glowering in the background.  It would have been neat if the poster had suddenly come to life.  Perhaps Vin could have suddenly appeared in the bedroom and said, “Someday … BUT NOT TODAY!”

And I’m not even going to talk about the Ben Wa balls.

fifty-shades-darker-teaser-intrigued

Anyway, there’s really not much of a plot in Fifty Shades Darker.  Ana gets back together with Christian but says that she wants to have a “vanilla” relationship.  Christian agrees but he still keeps doing controlling stuff, like buying Ana’s company and freezing her bank account.  Ana gets mad.  Ana breaks up with him.  They get back together.  This happens a few times.  Christian tells Ana to stay away from a man.  Ana gets upset but then the man tries to rape her which feels like the film’s way of putting her in her place for doubting Christian’s instincts when it comes to men.  Kim Basinger pops up as the woman who introduced Christian to BDSM and tells Ana that Christian will never be happy in a vanilla relationship.  Ana says that vanilla is her favorite ice cream.  Here’s my thing: why can’t Ana come up with a more complimentary term than “vanilla” to describe her relationship goals?  I mean, Ana’s clever.  She came up with that whole 18-24 thing, after all.

There’s also a crazy woman (Bella Heathcote) who shows up occasionally.  We know she’s crazy because she’s dressed like someone who lives in an abandoned subway tunnel.  She occasionally grabs Ana and says, “I’m nobody!”  Hmmm….I wonder what that’s about…

(Well, don’t wonder too much.  There’s not a single mystery or question in Fifty Shades Darker that isn’t solved a scene or two after it’s raised.)

One of the redeeming things about Fifty Shades of Grey is that neither Dakota Johnson nor director Sam Taylor-Johnson seemed to be taking it all that seriously.  Dakota would pause meaningfully before delivering the worst of her dialogue, a sign that even she couldn’t believe what she was about to say.  Meanwhile, Sam Taylor-Johnson’s direction suggested that she found the story to be just as ludicrous and stupid as everyone else.  However, Fifty Shades Darker is directed by James Foley.  Foley is a veteran director, one who has been making films since before I was born.  He does a workmanlike job and you can almost hear him shouting, “Now, where’s my paycheck!?” during certain scenes.  Under Foley’s direction, there’s no winking at the audience.  There’s no hints of subversion.  Foley’s direction is very literal and more than a little dull.  He was hired to direct a big-budget version of a Chanel No. 5 commercial and that’s exactly what he does.

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The other big issue with Fifty Shades Darker is that Dakota Johnson and Jamie Dornan have very little romantic chemistry.  They both look good naked but that’s about it.  Jamie looks miserable to be there and Dakota seems to be trying to keep herself amused.  The lack of chemistry was less of a problem in Fifty Shades of Grey.  In that film, all that mattered was that Christian was rich and hot and Ana didn’t really haven’t anything better to do.  But, in Fifty Shades Darker, we’re asked to believe that they’re actually deeply in love and … no, it just doesn’t work.

Evelyn and I laughed through the entire movie.  In the past, we’ve gotten in trouble for doing this because we do have a tendency to get a little bit loud.  However, nobody in the audience seemed to mind.

Anyway, Fifty Shades Freer will be coming out next year.  Hopefully, someone will read this review and work my idea about the Vin Diesel cameo into the film.

Seriously, it would be great!

vin-diesel-jamie-dornan

Trailer Round-Up: Fifty Shades Darker, Miss Sloane, Nocturnal Animals, Annabelle 2, Christine, The Bye Bye Man, Smurfs: The Lost Village, The Eyes of My Mother, Allied, and Passengers


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Here’s some of the trailers that have come out over the past two weeks!  Sadly, none of those trailers involve kitties!  Meh!

Fifty Shades Darker

They’re back!  And this time, Ana’s in charge.

Miss Sloane

The good news is that a flame-haired one, Jessica Chastain, is in this film.  The bad new is that the script for this film was on last year’s Black List.  The Black List is supposed to be a list of the best unmade scripts in Hollywood so why do Black List films almost always end up sucking?

Nocturnal Animals

I thought this movie had to be about kitties but instead, it’s about Jake Gyllenhall and Amy Adams!  But the trailer still looks really good and supposedly this movie is going to win all sorts of Oscars!

Annabelle 2

The scary doll is back!

Christine

This looks like a great role for Rebecca Hall but will probably be too depressing for humans!  Meh!

The Bye Bye Man

This could be scary but it’s coming out in January and nothing good comes out in January.

Smurfs: The Lost Village

I ate a smurf once.  Meh!

The Eyes of My Mother

This looks scary!

Allied

Some people are saying this movie led to the upcoming divorce of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie!  The flame-haired one says she’s Team Jolie all the way.  Meh!

Passengers

Chris Pratt and Jennifer Lawrence in the same movie!?  And it’s from the director of The Imitation Game.  Some people say that this is going to be a big Oscar contender!  I think it needs more kitties.

 

 

A Cat’s Perspective On The Fifty Shades Darker Teaser


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Meh!  Humans are weird!  Not only do they have trailers for movies but they also have teasers for trailers!  They need to be more like me — sleep, eat, and learn to love the ennui!

Humans are also weird because they read books like The Fifty Shades trilogy and spend all their time talking about how bad they are.  The flame-haired one even threw her copy of Fifty Shades of Grey across the living room once and totally woke me up!  (Don’t worry, I was able to get back to sleep … eventually.)  But then after hating the book, they get all excited about the movie and then they get all upset when the movie turns out to suck too!  I ate a spider once and it tasted terrible so you know what?  I stopped eating spiders.  If I was a human, I guess I would think, “Spiders are yucky!  Let’s go eat a few while watching a movie about them!”  Meh!

There’s a new Fifty Shades movie coming out and it’s called Fifty Shades Darker! It’s based on another book that the flame-haired one threw across the living room but she’s still planning on seeing it!  It’s such a big deal that instead of just releasing a trailer, the humans are releasing a teaser and then a trailer!  If they make another Fifty Shades movie, maybe they can release a teaser for the teaser of the trailer!

Someday, maybe they’ll stop making movies all together and they’ll just make teasers for trailers of pretend movies.  People will watch the teaser and say, “This is going to be a great trailer!”  I hope that happens because if there’s no more movies that means even less to distract from feeding the kitty!

Here’s the teaser for Fifty Shades Darker!  The trailer’s coming out tomorrow and the flame-haired one will probably share it because the kitty is planning on sleeping through Wednesday.  Meh!