Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat goes to Hong Kong!

Episodes 7.19 and 7.20 “Hong Kong Cruise: Polly’s Poker Palace/Shop Ahoy/Double Date/The Hong Kong Affair/Two Tails of a City”

(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on February 4th, 1984)

This week, the Love Boat crew has been assigned to command a cruise to China.  And while the boat might be docked in Hong Kong instead of the usual Mexico, the question remains the same:

Yes, how coked up is Julie?

Well, she’s not as coked up as usual.  In fact, this is the rare Season 7 episode in which Julie actually gets to do something more than just smile at people as they board the ship.  So, I’d say this episode only rates a 7 out of 10 on the How Coked Up Is Julie scale.

As for Julie and Vicki, they fall for two brothers (Leigh McCloskey, Lee Majors II).  As always, Julie serves as Vicki’s mentor while Captain Stubing runs the ship.  However, this time, it turns out that the guy that Julie likes actually likes Vicki instead.  Vicki really likes him too.  I would point out that Vicki is likely either 16 or 17 in this episode.  (Jill Whelan was 18.)  So, really, she and Julie probably shouldn’t both be after the same man.  The guy is closer in age to Vicki than Julie but still, watching this episode, I couldn’t help but think that it might be time for Vicki to get off the boat and actually experience life on dry land.  Seriously, she’s nearly 18 and she still spends all of her time talking to elderly passengers.  Leigh McCloskey and Lee Majors II are literally the only two people close to her age to board the ship.  She really doesn’t have much choice but to fall in love with one of them.

Meanwhile, a senator (Efrem Zimbalist, Jr.) fell in love with Donna Reed, despite the misgivings of his closest advisor (Ben Murphy).  A retired spy (Gene Kelly) fell for a mysterious woman (Yvette Mimieux) and this somehow led to Gopher and Isaac putting on trench coats and following the couple through Beijing.  And Brenda Vaccaro tried to stop using her credit card.  The crew, for some reason, tried to help her.

None of these stories were very interesting, though I did relate to Brenda Vaccaro’s passenger.  This was a travelogue episode, with the boat sailing to Hong Kong and the crew somehow managing to see every famous sight in China over the course of two days.  This episode was shot on location.  I always enjoy it when I can tell the actors are actually delivering their lines in the middle of the ocean.  At the same time, the scenes that took place in China did not make me want to visit the country.  If anything, they left me feeling bad for Hong Kong.  This episode was filmed before the British handed Hong Kong over to China and it was a shame to think that all the little kids who appeared in the episode were fated to eventually become citizens of a communist country.  Needless to say, the name Mao was never mentioned during this episode.  Neither was the Cultural Revolution.

Come back to America, Captain Stubing.  The country needs you.