Tag Archives: review

Retro Television Review: Baywatch 3.1 and 3.2 “River of No Return”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001.  The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.

This week, we start the third season!

Episodes 3.1 and 3.2 “River of No Return”

(Dir by Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on September 14th, 1992)

The third season of Baywatch begins with Mitch learning of the death of his uncle, an eccentric old prospector who always claimed that he was going to find gold. Mitch and Hobie decide to head to Northern California to investigate, and Eddie and Shauni agree to join them. For Eddie, it’s a chance to have one last adventure with Mitch before he heads off to Australia as part of the lifeguard exchange program. For Shauni, it’s a chance to reveal to Eddie that he knocked her up. For the show, it’s a chance to introduce CJ Parker (Pamela Anderson), a river guide who plays the saxophone and who gives good relationship advice.

Yes, this episode was Pamela Anderson’s first appearance on Baywatch. It turns out that, before she was a sax-playing river guide, CJ was a lifeguard, and Mitch would love it if she would return to the beach. Oddly, even though everyone already knows CJ, no one has ever mentioned her before. Considering that she was apparently a legendary lifeguard, you would think that she would have been mentioned in the past.

However, before CJ can return to the beach, she has to help Mitch and the gang find the gold mine that Mitch’s uncle found shortly before he died. Unfortunately, Drew (Bill McKinney) and Lonny (Mickey Jones), two no-good rednecks, also want to find the mine.

Meanwhile, back at the beach, Summer Quinn (Nicole Eggert) and her mother, Jackie (Susan Anton), have moved to Los Angeles to get away from Jackie’s abusive ex, Jed (Geoffrey Scott). Jed follows them but, fortunately, he’s put in his place by Matt Brody (David Charvet), a rich kid who is hoping to become a lifeguard. Like all of the other prospective lifeguards, Matt Brody is curious about “Bobby Quinn,” who is new to California and who was apparently a champion swimmer back in Pennsylvania. At the lifeguard try-out, Summer tells Matt that Summer is just a nickname and her first name is actually Roberta.

This two-part episode largely exists to introduce Pamela Anderson, Nicole Eggert, and David Charvet as regulars. All three of them do pretty well for their first episode. They all seem like they actually want to be there, which is quite a contrast to Billy Warlock and Erika Eleniak, both of whom have subsequently been pretty vocal about not being happy with the direction the show took during the second season. Of course, as soon as Eggert and Charvet show up, it’s easy to see that there’s no longer going to be room for Warlock and Eleniak. So, it’s not a shock when this episode ends with Shauni and Eddie marrying and leaving Baywatch.

This was a good way to start the season. Yes, the whole gold mine thing was a bit silly, but it gave David Hasselhoff a chance to do the earnest action hero thing, and it also introduces Pamela Anderson, who—in this episode at least—comes across as being surprisingly natural and down-to-earth in the role of CJ.

Next week, Matt goes undercover and meets even more new characters!

 

Brad watches THROUGH NAKED EYES (1983), starring David Soul!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

One of the coolest things about being a contributor for The Shattered Lens is the month of October and our Horror-thon. I’m constantly on the lookout for less well-known thrillers that I can watch and write about. I recently came across the 1983 made-for-TV thriller THROUGH NAKED EYES. The premise gives off some definite REAR WINDOW vibes, a favorite of mine, and I’ve always enjoyed the actor David Soul. Having never seen the film, or even heard about it before, I thought I’d give it a shot.

Soul plays William Parrish, a talented flutist who spends most of his time practicing his craft, while still carving out a few moments to pull out his binoculars and check out some of the people who live in the apartment building across the street. One night, he discovers that an attractive woman, Anne Walsh (Pam Dawber), is also watching him through her very nice telescope. Through a variety of circumstances, the two voyeurs meet and begin a relationship. By the way, did I mention that there have been a series of knife murders in the neighborhood, even in William’s own apartment building? And that the detective in charge of the investigation has our musician in his sights as the number one suspect? Of course the fun is watching the suspects and clues pile up as the story plays out!

THROUGH NAKED EYES is one of those movies that snuck up on me. It took a little bit of time for me to get into it as I watched our main character play his flute, practice his flute and sweat profusely. Set in Chicago, they are really trying to make the point that it’s HOT. Everyone is so sweaty. They’ll be having symphony practice and William’s shirt will be so wet that it looks like he just ran a marathon. It was over 100 degrees in Arkansas for 22 days this past summer, and I’ve never been that sweaty inside a building. I guess the AC was spotty in the Windy City back in the early 80s. We also spend time in Anne’s life as we follow her job as guide at the planetarium, as well as her dealings with her sleazy literary agent who’s helping her get some articles published in National Geographic. Seriously dude, that mustache is just creepy. Once we get past all this setup and the two meet, have dinner, and make love, the thriller elements start getting a lot more interesting as the stakes get a lot higher! I won’t say anymore, but I got wrapped up into the story and really enjoyed the last hour.

David Soul gives a strong performance in the film, one that I appreciated more and more as I got to know his character. To be honest, at first he seems pretty darn creepy, but he turns out to have a lot more depth than you might initially think. Pam Dawber, best known to me for MORK & MINDY, is cute, kind, and even sexier than I remembered in her role as the voyeur who had her own little obsession going on. I will admit that it sounded a lot more innocent, and less creepy, when her character explained herself. It convinced me for sure!

The supporting cast in this film is tremendous, and certainly adds to my enjoyment of the film. Fionnula Flanagan has an excellent scene where her shrink character provides a more balanced perspective on our number one suspect. Gerald Castillo is good as the obsessed cop with blinders on for everything except getting his man, who he believes is William. I recognized Castillo from his performances as cops in several Bronson films of the 80s. My favorite scene in the entire film completely surprised me and it involved a scene between William and his estranged dad, played by William Schallert. I love a good, emotional father / son scene. You can even play a game of “spot the future stars” as John Mahoney, Dennis Farina, and Ted Levine play various Chicago police officers throughout the film. It was fun every time one of them would pop up.

If it’s not obvious, I had a good time with THROUGH NAKED EYES. The film does a good job of taking its time and letting us get to know these characters in a way that helps us see them differently as the story plays out. In other words, the film’s drama is effective. It also stretches out the suspense appropriately so that we stay invested in the thriller elements as well. As a viewer, I actually cared about what would happen at the end. Nothing says you enjoy a movie like caring about the outcome, and this one was a very nice discovery for me.

Horror On The Lens: The Dead Don’t Die (dir by Curtis Harrington)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today, we offer up a bonus horror on the lens, a 1975 made-for-television movie called The Dead Don’t Die!

The Dead Don’t Die takes place in Chicago during the 1930s.  George Hamilton is a sailor who comes home just in time to witness his brother being executed for a crime that he swears he didn’t commit.  Hamilton is convinced that his brother was innocent so he decides to launch an investigation of his own.  This eventually leads to Hamilton not only being attacked by dead people but also discovering a plot involving a mysterious voodoo priest!

Featuring atmospheric direction for Curtis Harrington and a witty script by Robert Bloch, The Dead Don’t Die is an enjoyable horror mystery.  Along with George Hamilton, the cast includes such luminaries of “old” Hollywood as Ray Milland, Ralph Meeker, Reggie Nalder, and Joan Blondell.  (Admittedly, George Hamilton is not the most convincing sailor to ever appear in a movie but even his miscasting seems to work in a strange way.)

And you can watch it below!

Enjoy!

Horror On The Lens: The Clones (dir by Lamar Card and Paul Hunt)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

 

“Today it is science fiction, tomorrow it will be science fact….”

So declared the trailer from 1973’s The Clones.  

One of the first films to be made about cloning, this movie tells the story of Dr. Gerald Appleby (Michael Greene), who discovers that there’s another version of him living his life.  Dr. Appleby and his clone both find themselves being pursued by two government agents (Gregory Sierra and Otis Brown) and a mad scientist (Stanley Adams).

The Clones requires some patience.  It moves at its own deliberate pace and there’s quite a few scenes of Dr. Appleby running through the desert.  That said, the film builds up to wonderfully twisted conclusion and the final roller coaster shoot-out makes everything more than worth it.

Ever since I first saw this ennui-drenched film in 2012, I’ve been recommending it to people.  I’m happy to share it with you today!

 

Horror Song of the Day: Demon by Claudio Simonetti

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Demons (1985, dir by Lamberto Bava)

For today’s horror song of the day, we have Demon, a track from the soundtrack for the 1985 film, Demons.  This song was composed and performed by Claudio Simonetti, who is best known as the keyboardist of Goblin.

The music video, incidentally, was directed by Michele Soavi, who also appeared in Demons as the mysterious masked man handing out free movie tickets.

Coward, Short Film Review by Case Wright

Posted on by casewright

Coward has A LOT going on, but it’s fun! The protagonist is reading the woods next to Baby Yoda (yes, really), Baby Yoda flees, and our protagonist dies.

Hear me out, this story has a beginning, middle, and end. Also, it made me laugh. Kerron Andrews has skills to make a quick compelling story – FOR CHEAP! Industry people – Take Note- If I were looking for a man to make my low budget horror film, I’d DM him right away.

I couldn’t find Kerron Andrews on X, but I left him a kind comment on his YT.

October Positivity: Only One Way (dir by Josiah David Warren)

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

2014’s Only One Way tells the story of Paul (Josiah David Warren), who is 20 years old and who lives with his parents in Texas.  Paul was home-schooled and now he’s a college student.  He goes to church every Sunday and he and his parents have regular Bible study.

Paul is a bit easily led.  We discover this when he starts dating Melanie (Erika Alaspa), who is still in high school and who insists that Paul tell her that she’s beautiful whenever he picks her up from her dance class.  Melanie’s father has a devilish beard and a condescending attitude and, when he hears that Paul still lives at home, he says that’s fine except that Paul won’t be a real man until he moves out.  Later Paul gets a text from Melanie telling him that her parents loved meeting him but that they all agree that he needs to become “A REAL MAN” and find a new place to live.

Paul gets his own apartment and soon, he’s struggling in both school and life.  Melanie and her wild friends are always coming over to party.  They introduce Paul to smoking weed.  Paul goes from hacking up a lung to making an apple pipe in record time.  Uh-oh!  His parents stop by the apartment to drop off some groceries and they catch Paul with an apple.

No longer welcome at his parents’s house, Paul tries to make it in the world on his own.  He gets a job delivering fried chicken but he’s not good at it.  You may wonder how any twenty year-old could manage to screw up something as simple a delivering fried chicken.  Well, Paul drops a bucket of KFC on somebody’s lawn and his response it just to brush the grass off the chicken.  Then he drops the bucket for a second time when trying to hand it off to the people who ordered it.

“That’ll be fifteen,” Paul says.

No, Paul, that’ll be free!

To be honest, what Paul is going through is not that unusual.  I think everyone struggles a bit making the transition from being a teenager to being an adult.  The job of a parent is to help the kid prepare for that transition but still, it’s not easy going from living a life with no consequences to living a life where everything has a consequence.  Everyone probably parties too much when they first leave home.  It’s just human nature.

The thing that sets Paul apart is that he really does just seem to be a complete idiot.  Even before he starts dating Melanie, he’s talking about how he’s struggling in college.  The film puts most of the blame on Melanie but Melanie isn’t the one who told Paul to put the chicken back in that bucket.  Melanie may smoke weed but Paul is the one who decides to smoke with her.  Believe me, most people will not be offended if you don’t smoke their weed.  That just means more for them.

Anyway, this film was shot on video with a largely amateur class and it shows.  This is one of those films where you really have to strain to make out the dialogue because the sound recording is so bad.  On the plus side, Paul does own a really cute dog and, by the end of the film he’s found a girlfriend who isn’t trying to destroy his soul.  Good for him!

Late Night Retro Television Review: Sledge Hammer1 1.10 “If I Had A Little Hammer”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing SLEDGE HAMMER!, a cop comedy which ran on ABC from 1986 to 1988. The entire series can be found on Prime!

Sledge Hammer says to trust him.  Does that mean he’ll be able to find a bunch of missing babies?

Episode 1.10 “If I Had A Little Hammer”

(Dir by Kim Manners, originally aired on November 29th, 1986)

Someone has abducted all of the newborn babies from the local hospital.  Captain Trunk suspects that the babies are going to be sold to couples looking to adopt.  “You mean like a mom and pop operation?” Hammer asks.  Doreau asks to be assigned to the case and Trunk reluctantly agrees.  He has full faith in Doreau.  It’s her partner that worries him.

Most of the humor in this episode comes from the fact that Hammer doesn’t like babies.  The reason why the humor works is because Hammer never changes his mind.  Hammer dislikes babies just as much at the end of the episode as he did at the start.  It provided a nice contrast to not only every other character on the show but also to what we usually expect from television shows.

(Personally, I love babies but I get tired of seeing them in commercials where the whole joke is that they need their diapers changed.)

The babynappers are a brother/sister team.  Brion James plays the brother and it was nice to see that he could handle comedy just as well as drama.  He fit right in with the Sledge Hammer universe.  The big confrontation between him and Sledge Hammer took place inside the warehouse of baby products supplier.  Hey, it made laugh!

This was perhaps the most wholesome show about kidnapping and illegal adoption that I’ve ever seen.

Retro Television Review: St. Elsewhere 4.15 “Family Feud”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing St. Elsewhere, a medical show which ran on NBC from 1982 to 1988.  The show can be found on Daily Motion.

This week, Bobby Caldwell returns.

Episode 4.15 “Family Feud”

(Dir by Mark Tinker, originally aired on January 29th, 1986)

After being gone for the last few episodes, Bobby Caldwell (Mark Harmon) returns to St. Eligius. As he explains it, he’s spent the last month or so with his family in Baltimore. He worked on his family’s farm and got in touch with what actually matters in life. Westphall is so happy to hear this that he immediately starts talking about the time he spent volunteering in Ethiopia.

Caldwell is ready to get his facial scar taken care of. He meets with an old colleague from medical school, Dr. Duncan Harper (Kip Gilman). Harper says that the operation should be simple and quick and then Caldwell will be ready to hit the bars again. As a precaution, Caldwell gives blood, just in case it’s needed during the surgery.

Later, a shaken Harper comes to St. Eligius and meets privately with Caldwell. Harper says that the lab did some standard tests on Caldwell’s blood and that it appears that Caldwell might have AIDS. Caldwell says there has to be some sort of mistake, but Harper shakes his head. Harper retested the blood himself. He asks if Caldwell has any lesions. Caldwell looks down at a spot on his hand and says, “I thought it was just an infection.”

Caldwell tells Westphall about his diagnosis. Westphall tells Caldwell not to give up hope, that a cure might be right around the corner. Caldwell replies that he’s probably got 15 months to live and he’s not going to stop working. After Caldwell leaves, Westphall meets with Auschlander and they both agree that they have no idea what to do.

Meanwhile, it’s Jack Morrison’s birthday! Clancy arranges for him to have a birthday party in the doctor’s lounge. She also continues to flirt with Fiscus. You might expect Morrison to be upset about that, but Morrison is too busy flirting with Mona, Fiscus’s ex! Yeah, we’ll see how that works out….

Finally, Augusta Endicott previously told Dr. Craig that she didn’t want to have a bypass, even if it meant that she would die otherwise. However, when the entire Endicott family comes to visit her, she changes her mind. (During the operation, Dr. Wade comments that Dr. Craig must really be looking forward to the next Endicott presidential campaign. Craig snorts and says that the Endicotts are a bunch of bleeding-heart liberals and he wouldn’t vote for them in a million years.  I love Dr. Craig.) Sen. Gordon Endicott (Charles Cioffi) goes to the chapel to pray and ends up getting shot by a lone gunman.

Gee, who saw that coming?

The Endicotts continue to bore me. They’re just not that interesting as either characters or as thinly-veiled stand-ins for the Kennedy family. On the other hand, Bobby Caldwell’s storyline was powerful and Mark Harmon gave an especially good performance. (I just wish the show had made it clear that AIDS wasn’t meant to be some sort of narrative punishment for Caldwell’s previous bad behavior.) It will be interesting to see how the hospital deals with Caldwell’s diagnosis. Will he actually be allowed to continue to do his job? We’ll find out next week.

Brad reviews DEAD TONE (2007), starring Rutger Hauer!

Posted on by Bradley Crain

DEAD TONE (2007), also known as 7EVENTY 5IVE, opens with a group of kids playing a prank-calling game called “Seventy-Five,” where the goal is to place a random phone call and tell such a believable story that the person who answers will stay on the line at least 75 seconds. One guy seems upset when they call him. Later that night, while everyone is sleeping, a psycho with an axe comes in and brutally murders all the parents while the kids hide and watch in terror. Jump forward ten years and most of the kids who survived the night of terror are now college students. Invited to a weekend party at a wealthy classmate’s mansion, the group resumes their prank-calling game. Needless to say, when the maniac from ten years earlier answers the phone, the members of the group find themselves being stalked and murdered again. Hopefully Detective John Criton (Rutger Hauer), who worked the original murders 10 years earlier, will figure out who the killer is and stop him before everyone dies!

DEAD TONE is directed by Brian Hooks and Deon Taylor, who also star in the film. They’ve created a gory, low-budget slasher that blends elements of ‘80s and ‘90s horror films with an urban twist. For a guy who did his share of prank calls as a kid, I think the “psycho on the receiving end of a prank call” storyline is pretty cool. And the opening scene where the kids watch as their parents are killed because of their phone calls is horrific and pulls you right into the story. Unfortunately, once we get past the interesting open, there’s nothing that special about the rest of the movie. The characters aren’t particularly memorable or likable, and they sure as hell aren’t very smart. Call me crazy, but I’m thinking that I would never make another prank call again if I survived a mass murder event that was brought on by prank phone calls. These folks have no such qualms, which may not make any sense in the real world, but I guess is necessary if you need more axe murders for your plot. I will admit that there are a few awesome kills in the film, especially if you enjoy a good beheading. I won’t spoil the scenes, but the ones I’m specifically thinking of are both surprising and jarring at the same time. I’m also the kind of guy who will watch anything featuring Rutger Hauer. DEAD TONE’s Detective John Criton isn’t a character highlight of his career, but I still enjoy watching him go through the motions of investigating the crimes both in the present and in the past. It’s a part that he could have completed in his sleep, but this movie would have benefited from more “Hauer time.”

Overall, DEAD TONE is the kind of movie to watch with little to no expectations. It’s not great, but if you’re in the mood for a slasher movie with jump scares, silly characters, some decent gore, and even an acting legend thrown in for good measure, you could do a lot worse than DEAD TONE!