The Captain’s Bird”

Posted on April 10, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Merry Christmas!

Episode 4.11 “That’s My Dad/Captive Audience/The Captain’s Bird”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on December 20th, 1980)

It’s time for the Love Boat’s annual Christmas cruise and, appropriately enough, this cruise is all about family.

For instance, Captain Stubing has decided that the perfect Christmas gift for Vicki would be a parrot. After the bird is brought on board, Stubing decides that the perfect place to hide it would be in Gopher’s cabin. Gopher goes along with this because it’s something of a miracle that he hasn’t been fired yet. I mean, when you’ve screwed up as much as Gopher has, you’re not really in a position to argue with your boss. The only problem with all of this is that the parrot won’t talk. Stubing isn’t happy about that so Isaac and Gopher try to teach the bird to sing a Christmas carol. Instead, the bird starts saying, “Captain Stubing is a jerk!” Uh-oh!

Meanwhile, singer Bobby Braddock (Jack Jones, who sang The Love Boat theme song) boards the ship with his wife, Susan (Laraine Stephens). What Bobby doesn’t know is that his father, Richard (Allan Jones), and his mother, Lil (Dorothy Lamour), are also on the ship. Bobby got his start as a part of Richard’s act and Richard has never forgiven Bobby for going solo. Julie, Lil, and Susan all hope that they can bring father and son back together again. Needless to say, Richard doesn’t appreciate being tricked into boarding a boat with his son. He grimaces while listening to Bobby sing Winter Wonderland and then storms out of the lounge when Julie asks him to join his son on stage. Merry Christmas, I guess!

Still, as bad as Bobby Braddock has it, it’s nothing compared to what’s going on with young Scotty (Meeno Peluce). Looking to escape an abusive life at home, Scotty sneaks on board the ship by telling the crew that another passenger, Jeff Dalton (Dirk Benedict), is his father. Scotty then proceeds to follow Jeff around the boat. Jeff has no idea that everyone thinks that he is Scotty’s father. When Jeff meets a woman and politely tells Scotty to scram, the crew is scandalized. When Stubing sees the bruises on Scotty’s back, he assumes that Jeff is responsible.

Well, don’t worry. Things may look bleak at the halfway mark but everything works out in the end. Jeff realizes that maybe he would like to be a father to a random runaway. Richard realizes that he can forgive his son for wanting to make his own way. Crew members dress up like Santa Claus and Vicki has a happy holiday on the ocean.

You know what? This was a silly episode but I enjoyed it. I’m a sucker for Christmas episodes and this one had enough comedy and drama to keep me entertained and the story involving Scotty and Jeff even touched my heart a little. This was definitely a cruise worth taking.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 4.18 “The Searcher/The Way We Weren’t”

Posted on March 26, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Almost the entire show is currently streaming on Daily Motion.

Oh my God, this week’s episode….

Episode 4.18 “The Searcher/The Way We Weren’t”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on March 7th, 1981)

This week’s episode was just silly and it’s going to be a struggle to even come up with the usual 500 words to say about it.

Fred Cooper (Jerry Van Dyke) is worried that married life is losing its spark so he wants to relive the early days of his marriage to Dottie (Laraine Stephens). After going through a magic time travel cloud, Fred and Dottie find themselves living in their old house, which they share with Fred’s aunt. Their neighbors are Vic (Jack Carter) and Myra Fletcher (Dawn Wells). Vic is Fred’s boss. He and Myra are also swingers! Apparently, Fred forgot about that but I have to wonder how anyone would forget that? Anyway, Vic offers Fred a promotion but only if Fred will allow Vic to sleep with Dottie. Fred responds by punching Vic out while Vic is hosting a Swingers Convention on Fantasy Island. (Tattoo must have been very happy this week.) Vic realizes that he was in the wrong and Fred still gets his promotion. But is it a real promotion or just a fantasy promotion? Seriously, what the Hell is going on here?

Meanwhile, young heiress Karen Saunders-Holmes (Laurette Spang) comes to the island with her husband, Brian (James Darren). Brian thinks that they’re just on their honeymoon but Karen actually has a fantasy. She wants to be reunited with her father, a man named Noah who supposedly abandoned her when she was an infant and whom she has never met. Mr. Roarke arranges for Noah (Paul Burke) to be released from prison for the weekend and….

PRISON!? Yep, Noah is a convicted murderer and has spent the last two decades in a prison camp. Noah claims that he was innocent of the crime. Anyway, Mr. Roarke introduces Noah to Karen and Brian and says that Noah will be their guide on the Island….

Brian freaks out! It turns out that Brian is actually the man who Noah was framed for murdering. Brian went off and got plastic surgery after faking his own murder, which is why Noah doesn’t recognize him. But Noah soon learns the truth when Brian tricks him into entering a bog of quicksand!

Does Noah survive the quicksand? He does but we’re never told how. Does Brian then freak out and run into the quicksand as well? Of course. Fantasy Island is such a dangerous place!

This was a silly episode. Brian apparently not only had plastic surgery to change his face but also to reduce his age because there was no way he was old enough to a contemporary of Noah’s. And for the swinger’s convention on Fantasy Island …. I mean, what? Mr. Roarke is suddenly okay with a big key party on his Island? How do you forget that you used to live next door to a swinging couple? Like I said, this was just silly. One fantasy features Jerry Van Dyke being way too goofy and the other features James Darren being way to obviously sinister. Neither worked.

So far, the fourth season has really been a mixed bag, hasn’t it? Hopefully, things will improve next week.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

Posted on April 11, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

Smiles, everyone, smiles! This week, we’ve got stripping and boxing!

Episode 2.17 “The Stripper/The Boxer”

(Dir by Lawrence Dobkin, originally aired on February 10th, 1979)

This week, Tattoo is wearing a monocle because his cousin Igor has discovered that they are descended from royalty. Roarke is not impressed. Indeed, he seems to be genuinely angered by Tattoo’s suggestion that he’s somehow better than him.

As for the fantasies, first off the plane is Maureen Banning (Laraine Stephens). Maureen is a runaway heiress. Her father doesn’t want her to marry a poet named Barnaby (William Beckley) so she has snuck off to Fantasy Island so that she can get married over the weekend. Unfortunately, her father’s private detectives have followed her to the island. In a panic, Maureen hops onto the first bus that she sees. It turns out the bus is the tour bus for a burlesque show and the show’s manager, Russ McCoy (Michael Callan), has a fantasy that concerns bringing the show to Broadway. Maureen is mistaken for a famous burlesque dancer. Fortunately, Sheba Palumbo (Mamie Van Doren) and Betty (Beverly Powers) are avid tabloid readers and they immediately recognize Maureen as the runaway heiress. They agree to teach her how to dance so that she can stay on the island and marry Barnaby. Except, of course, Maureen is now starting to feel more attracted to Russ….

This fantasy was okay. I enjoyed the dancing and I also enjoyed thinking about how much Gary Loggins would have enjoyed watching his favorite actress, Mamie Van Doren, teach Maureen all the moves. I think the main problem with this fantasy is that, even after she ran way, Maureen never seemed to be in control of her own fate. The appeal of dancing on stage, whether you’re an old school burlesque performer or a modern-day stripper, is that it gives you all the power but, for Maureen, it just seemed like something to do until she finally got around to getting married.

The other fantasy involves Billy Blake (Ben Murphy), a boxer who only has three years to live. He wants a chance to fight the other leading leading championship contender. Even though the fight will be unofficial, Billy just wants a chance to show that, if not for his fatal disease, he could have been a champ. Of course, if he takes too many hits to the head, Billy could die in the ring. Billy is okay with that until he discovers that his former high school girlfriend, Jennie Collins (Maureen McCormick), is working on the Island. Billy’s trainer (Forrest Tucker) tells Jennie to stay away from Billy and Jennie is ashamed of all of the “things” she did when she ran off to Hollywood to try to become a star. (Like starring on The Brady Bunch Hour, perhaps….) But, in the end, Billy realizes that his real fantasy is to spend his last remaining years with Jennie. Personally, I found myself wondering why Billy didn’t consider a fantasy where he was cured of his terminal but unnamed disease. Then he could both be champion and spend the rest of his life with Jennie.

There weren’t many surprises with this fantasy but Ben Murphy and Maureen McCormick were an undeniably cute couple. I hope they had many good times before Billy’s agonizing and tragic death.

Next week …. John Saxon comes to Fantasy Island!

Retro Television Reviews: The Screaming Woman (dir by Jack Smight)

Posted on April 2, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1972’s The Screaming Woman! It can be viewed on YouTube!

In this made-for-tv movie from 1972, the great Olivia de Havilland plays Laura Wynant. Laura is a wealthy woman who has just been released from a mental institution. She goes to her country estate to recuperate but, as soon as she arrives, she starts to hear a woman’s voice in the back yard.

“help me …. help me….” the voice cries.

Laura looks around and she soon realizes that the voice is coming from the ground! A woman has been buried alive in the backyard and will soon die if not rescued! At first Laura tries to dig up the woman on her own but her hands are crippled by arthritis. An attempt to get a neighborhood child to help her dig just leads to Laura being confined to her home, under doctor’s orders. No matter how much Laura tries to get the people around her to listen for the sound of the woman crying for help, everyone just assume that Laura must be imagining things.

Further complicating things is the fact that the person who put the woman in the ground is still out there. And, when he discovers that Laura has been hearing voices, he decides that maybe he needs to do something about both Laura and the screaming woman….

The Screaming Woman is an effective psychological thriller and, considering that it was made for early 70s network television, surprisingly suspenseful. If the film were remade today, I imagine it would try to keep us guessing as to whether or not Laura was hearing an actual woman or if it was all in her mind. However, by revealing early on that Laura actually is hearing what she thinks she’s hearing, The Screaming Woman puts us right into Laura’s shoes and we share her frustration as she desperately tries to get someone — anyone — to take her seriously. It helps that Laura is played by Olivia de Havilland, who gives a very sympathetic and believable performance. De Havilland, who started her career appearing in Errol Flynn movies back in the 30s and who most famously played Melanie in Gone With The Wind, was one of the longest-lived stars of Hollywood’s Golden Age, living to the age of 104 and winning two Academy Awards for Best Actress.

The film is based on a short story by Ray Bradbury. In the story, it’s a little girl — as opposed to an old woman — who hears the voice. I haven’t read the short story so I don’t know how else it compares to this adaptation but, as a film, The Screaming Woman is an entertaining and creepy thriller and, when viewed today, it serves as a reminder of what a good actress Olivia De Havilland truly was. She takes a simple thriller and turns it into a meditation on aging and the one person’s determination to do the right thing even when the entire world seems to be against her.

Horror on the Lens: The Screaming Woman (dir by Jack Smight)

Posted on October 13, 2019 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Today’s horror on the lens is The Screaming Woman, a 1972 made-for-TV movie that’s based on a Ray Bradbury short story.

Olivia de Havilland plays Laura Wynant, who has just returned home from a stay at a mental institution. Soon after her arrival, Laura starts to hear a woman crying for help. Laura becomes convinced that the woman has been buried alive on her property but, because of her debilitating arthritis, she can’t dig the woman up on her own. And, because of her own mental history, no one believes her when she tries to tell them about what she’s hearing!

The Screaming Woman features screen legend Olivia De Havilland giving a sympathetic performance as Laura. It also features two other luminaries of the golden age of Hollywood — Joseph Cotten and Walter Pidgeon — in supporting roles. It’s a good little thriller so watch and enjoy!

(And of course, I should mention that the great Olivia De Havilland is still with us, 103 years old and living in France.)