Jack Jones | Through the Shattered Lens

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Merry Christmas!

Episode 4.11 “That’s My Dad/Captive Audience/The Captain’s Bird”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on December 20th, 1980)

It’s time for the Love Boat’s annual Christmas cruise and, appropriately enough, this cruise is all about family.

For instance, Captain Stubing has decided that the perfect Christmas gift for Vicki would be a parrot. After the bird is brought on board, Stubing decides that the perfect place to hide it would be in Gopher’s cabin. Gopher goes along with this because it’s something of a miracle that he hasn’t been fired yet. I mean, when you’ve screwed up as much as Gopher has, you’re not really in a position to argue with your boss. The only problem with all of this is that the parrot won’t talk. Stubing isn’t happy about that so Isaac and Gopher try to teach the bird to sing a Christmas carol. Instead, the bird starts saying, “Captain Stubing is a jerk!” Uh-oh!

Meanwhile, singer Bobby Braddock (Jack Jones, who sang The Love Boat theme song) boards the ship with his wife, Susan (Laraine Stephens). What Bobby doesn’t know is that his father, Richard (Allan Jones), and his mother, Lil (Dorothy Lamour), are also on the ship. Bobby got his start as a part of Richard’s act and Richard has never forgiven Bobby for going solo. Julie, Lil, and Susan all hope that they can bring father and son back together again. Needless to say, Richard doesn’t appreciate being tricked into boarding a boat with his son. He grimaces while listening to Bobby sing Winter Wonderland and then storms out of the lounge when Julie asks him to join his son on stage. Merry Christmas, I guess!

Still, as bad as Bobby Braddock has it, it’s nothing compared to what’s going on with young Scotty (Meeno Peluce). Looking to escape an abusive life at home, Scotty sneaks on board the ship by telling the crew that another passenger, Jeff Dalton (Dirk Benedict), is his father. Scotty then proceeds to follow Jeff around the boat. Jeff has no idea that everyone thinks that he is Scotty’s father. When Jeff meets a woman and politely tells Scotty to scram, the crew is scandalized. When Stubing sees the bruises on Scotty’s back, he assumes that Jeff is responsible.

Well, don’t worry. Things may look bleak at the halfway mark but everything works out in the end. Jeff realizes that maybe he would like to be a father to a random runaway. Richard realizes that he can forgive his son for wanting to make his own way. Crew members dress up like Santa Claus and Vicki has a happy holiday on the ocean.

You know what? This was a silly episode but I enjoyed it. I’m a sucker for Christmas episodes and this one had enough comedy and drama to keep me entertained and the story involving Scotty and Jeff even touched my heart a little. This was definitely a cruise worth taking.

It’s time for another edition of Lisa Marie’s Favorite Grindhouse and Exploitation Trailers. This week’s edition has no set theme beyond the fact that, in-between typing up the six trailers featured here, I was also trying on different outfits. Multi-tasking!

1) Performance

From 1970, it’s the debut film of Nicolas Roeg (though technically, he co-directed by Donald Cammell). Reportedly, acting in this film led to costar James Fox having a nervous breakdown.

2) Twitch of the Death Nerve

This is the trailer for Mario Bava’s infamous, trend-setting giallo. Bava’s preferred title for this film was Bay of Blood though it was released under several titles, including Carnage and my personal favorite, Twitch of the Death Nerve.

3) The Comeback

This 1978 film is from the criminally underrated director Pete Walker. The trailer has a similar feel to Lamerto Bava’s A Blade in the Dark. Who is Jack Jones and was he actually an international singing sensation? So many questions.

4) The Class Reunion Massacre (a.k.a. The Redeemer)

What an odd little trailer. It starts out all slasher-like and then suddenly, it decides to go all Omen.

5) The Corpse Grinders

Yup, that’s what it is alright. From directed Ted V. Mikels.

6) Candy

This trailer is from 1968, which — if you’ve seen the trailer — is kind of one of those “well, duh” facts. Based on a book by my fellow Texan Terry Southern (hence, the tag line), the film features Walter Matthau, Richard Burton, Ringo Starr, Marlon Brando, and James Coburn all taking advantage of Ewa Aulin (who, much like James Fox in Performance, reportedly had a nervous breakdown as a result of making this film). The film was directed by Christian Marquand who, years later, would play the main French Plantation Guy in Apocalypse Now Redux.