Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Baywatch, which ran on NBC and then in syndication from 1989 to 2001. The entire show can be viewed on Tubi.
This week, Eddie suffers a serious injury.
A quick note, before we begin: this episode was actually the 16th episode to air during the second season but apparently, it was originally meant to be the 13th episode and, in reruns, it usually airs after the Reunionepisode. I’ve decided to go with the production order for the purpose of these reviews. Of course, it really doesn’t matter because it’s not like Baywatch had any use for continuity to begin with.
Episode 2.13 “Now Sit Right Back and You’ll Hear a Tale”
(Dir by Douglas Schwartz, originally aired on February 24th, 1992)
After rescuing a jet skier who ran out of fuel in the middle of the ocean, Eddie and Shauni discover a previously unchartered island. (Or, at least, that’s what we’re told. The beach that Eddie and Shauni explore is obviously the same beach from last week’s Reunionepisode.) On the beach, they find Gilligan (Bob Denver) and Mary Ann (Dawn Wells), who have been stranded on the island ever since the 60s. Eddie and Shauni take them back to civilization.
Captain Thorpe is so impressed with Gilligan and Mary Ann’s story that he decides that he’s going to start his own media company and produce a miniseries about their life on the Island. He also thinks that it would be a good idea to go back to the island and rescue the other castaways. (Gee, you think?) He arranges for a three-hour expedition to the island. Garner will serve as the skipper. Eddie will be the first mate. Harvey is coming along as a professor, for some reason. Shauni wants to star in the miniseries so she decides to dress up like a movie star and come on the tour as well.
Uh-oh, there’s a storm! Everyone ends up washed up on the island. Eddie finds himself torn between Mary Ann and Shauni but then he realizes that Gilligan is the one who truly loves Mary Ann….
No, I’m not making this up. Stop it, I swear I’m not.
Eventually, Eddie wakes up in Baywatch Headquarters. It turns out that he slipped and hit his head earlier and the entire episode has been a dream. (Shocker!) It sound like Eddie probably has a severe concussion but no one seems to be too concerned about that.
Hasselhoff appears for a few minutes at the start and the end of the episode. Apparently, he knew better than to board the boat.
Oh God, this episode. Well, actually, this episode makes sense once you learn that Douglas Schwartz (who both directed this week and also served as executive producer of the show) was the nephew of Sherwood Schwartz, the producer of Gilligan’s Island. It’s a silly episode but Baywatch is a silly show so that’s to be expected. The episode’s main mistake is that it opens with Eddie watching an episode of Gilligan’s Island and then it shows us Eddie slipping and hitting his head. As a result, we pretty much know the whole episode is a dream from the start and we spend the entire episode waiting for Eddie to wake up. It’s kind of boring.
Next week …. oh, who knows? I’m sure it’ll be something involving a lot of slow motion running on the beach.
British director J. Lee Thompson was born on August 1, 1914. He directed some classics in the early 60’s, movies like THE GUNS OF NAVARONE (1961), where he received an Oscar nomination for Best Director, and the original CAPE FEAR (1962), which I personally consider superior to Scorsese’s 1991 remake. Gregory Peck, who starred in both films, once said there were only four directors he could trust to tell him whether or not he was faking his performance: Alfred Hitchcock, George Cukor, William Wyler and J. Lee Thompson. High praise indeed!
When the British film industry began caving in at the end of the decade, Thompson moved into Hollywood productions and continued to work steadily for the next couple of decades. He worked on films in all genres, like westerns (MACKENNA’S GOLD – 1968), science fiction (CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES – 1972) and horror (HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME – 1981). After Thompson retired in 1989, he would sometimes lament that he had “sold out” his individual artistic desires in order to just keep working. But he would never be too hard on himself, because he enjoyed making movies and always brought professionalism and competence no matter the movie.
The main reason I like J. Lee Thompson is because he would make 9 films with actor Charles Bronson from 1976 to 1989. With Thompson as director, you knew the film would always have a certain level of quality, and Bronson loved his fast, no-frills method of shooting. In celebration of Thompson’s 112th birthday in cinema heaven, I thought it might be fun to provide my ranking of those 9 films. So here we go!
Messenger of Death
Coming in at #9 is MESSENGER OF DEATH (1988). Thompson is at his best during the incredibly tense and vicious opening sequence, but the script ultimately can’t keep the momentum going, and it’s one of Bronson’s more boring films. On some positive notes, it’s a different kind of movie for Bronson, more of a whodunnit than a straight action film. It has a strong cast, filled with veterans like John Ireland, Jeff Corey, and Trish Van Devere. It also has some beautiful Colorado scenery.
Cabo Blanco
Next up at #8 is CABO BLANCO (1980). After years of poor video releases, Kino Lorber released the film on a special edition Blu-ray in 2016, which highlights how Thompson was able to capture the natural beauty of the Mexican locations. Bronson gives a committed performance as Giff Hoyt. The casting of legends like Jason Robards and Fernando Rey, in a fantastically corrupt turn, are a big plus as well. Unfortunately, the film’s script and story never really come together and the end doesn’t make much sense.
Kinjite: Forbidden Subjects
Coming in at #7 is KINJITE: FORBIDDEN SUBJECTS (1989). This would be Thompson’s final film, and he goes out with a slick and sleazy thriller. In my opinion, KINJITE contains one of Bronson’s stronger Cannon performances, but the subject matter is particularly dark and ugly, with themes of child exploitation, human trafficking, sexual violence, and prejudice. I think it’s a good film, but you definitely need a bath afterwards. Juan Fernandez is odd and memorable as the villainous pimp, Duke.
Death Wish 4: The Crackdown
For #6, I’m going with DEATH WISH 4: THE CRACKDOWN. After the bonkers outrageousness of DEATH WISH 3, Thompson took the reins from Michael Winner for this entry, and delivered a much more straightforward action film. There is so much action in DEATH WISH 4, and the oilfield shootout contains some of Bronson’s more iconic imagery of the 80’s. The film was a huge renter at the video store, the most successful of the entire franchise in that department. John P. Ryan is also gleefully over the top as the bad guy.
The White Buffalo
At #5, I’m going with THE WHITE BUFFALO (1977). This western has grown on me over the years. Thompson is able to pull strong performances out of Charles Bronson and Will Sampson in the lead roles of Wild Bill Hickok and Crazy Horse. Combined with John Barry’s musical score, he’s able to give the film an eery, otherworldly quality with each appearance of the white buffalo. The film may have bombed at the box office, but it’s pretty darn good movie.
The Evil That Men Do
At #4, I’m going with THE EVIL THAT MEN DO (1984). I’m especially appreciative of Thompson for his work on Bronson’s final badass hitman film. The original director, Fielder Cook, was fired and Thompson was brought in at the last minute with very little prep time. He was still able to deliver a violent, brutal thriller. This one has its rough moments, but I’ve always liked Bronson as the amoral instrument of justice. And his down-low takedown of the giant sexual predator in the slimy Mexican bar is one of the more memorable scenes in any action film!
St. Ives
Heading into the top 3, I’m going with ST. IVES (1976) at #3. In Thompson’s first movie with Bronson, he delivers a fun, little mystery thriller. I particularly enjoy Bronson’s performance as Ray St. Ives. He seems to always have a smile on his face as he makes his way through the various Los Angeles locations. With definitely less action than your average Bronson film, I enjoy the change of pace as well as the excellent supporting cast of veteran actors like John Houseman, Jacqueline Bisset, Maximillian Schell, Harry Guardino, Harris Yulin, Dana Elcar and Michael Lerner. Heck, Jeff Goldblum and Robert Englund even show up as some henchmen. This is Bronson at the peak of his movie stardom.
Murphy’s Law
At #2, I make an extremely personal choice with MURPHY’S LAW (1986). While the film is definitely an 80’s Cannon time capsule, this is one of two movies that kicked off my lifelong obsession with Charles Bronson, with the other being DEATH WISH 3. Thompson keeps the action moving efficiently from one set piece to another as Jack Murphy and Arabella McGee (Kathleen Wilhoite) try to figure out who is framing him for the murder of his stripper ex-wife. Carrie Snodgress is enjoyably nuts as the bad lady. Not only have I watched this movie dozens of times, I have been blessed to meet the film’s composer (Val McCallum) and interview Murphy’s partner (Robert F. Lyons). This movie is just special to me in ways that critical analysis can never capture.
10 To Midnight
And at #1 in my list of Bronson-Thompson collaborations, I choose the 1983 tough cop/slasher hybrid TEN TO MIDNIGHT. Charles Bronson is particularly strong as Leo Kessler, the veteran detective and dad who will go to any length to bring down a vicious, impotent killer of women, played brilliantly by Gene Davis. It has one of the best and most controversial endings of Bronson’s career. I give credit to Thompson for delivering an entertaining thriller that would appeal to an audience outside of Bronson’s normal fanbase. 10 TO MIDNIGHT would be a major player on premium cable channels like HBO. When I met my wife, she didn’t know who Bronson was, but she knew the film and loved it. Even though he was already an aging action star, the success of this movie propelled Bronson’s theatrical leading man career to the end of the 80’s.
Thanks for all the memories, J. Lee. Your films have been an endless source of entertainment for me for over 40 years! Rest in peace, sir
As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter. I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie! Every week, we get together. We watch a movie. We tweet our way through it.
Tonight, for #ScarySocial, I will be hosting Wes Craven’s Invitation to Hell, starring Susan Lucci and Robert Urich!
If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag! The film is available on Prime! I’ll be there co-hosting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well. It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy!
Seeing as how he was born in the month of August, this seems like a good time to pay tribute to Tom Laughlin, the actor who revolutionized independent American cinema through his Billy Jack films.
In four films, Laughlin played Billy Jack, an American Navajo, a former Green Beret, a veteran of the Vietnam War, a hapkido master, and a man who just protects children and other living things. When he first appeared in 1967’s TheBornLosers, he was protecting a woman from bikers. In 1971’s BillyJack, he was protecting the Freedom School from ignorant townspeople. In 1974’s TheTrialofBillyJack, he was …. well, in that film, Billy Jack did a little bit of everything but the National Guard still ended up destroying the Freedom School. Finally, in 1977’s BillyJackGoesToWashington, Billy was appointed to the United Stated Senate because what else are you going to do with someone who has killed a tremendous amount of people over the course of three films?
(Of course, in Senator Jack’s defense, they were all bad people.)
Laughlin not only starred as Billy Jack but he also directed all four of the films and, starting with BillyJack, he also handled the distribution of them. A huge box office hit, BillyJack is considered to be a seminal counter culture film. The other three films are a bit less acclaimed and TrialofBillyJack is often cited as one of the most pretentious and self-indulgent films ever made. But, regardless of their individual artistic merits, all of the Billy Jack films share an appealing mix of sincerity and silliness. Laughlin was a good actor and, visually, he was a stronger director than he was often given credit for. Some of the shots in the original Billy Jack are breath-taking. At a time when even self-styled progressive films still portrayed women in the most condescending and demeaning way possible (check out GettingStraight or R.P.M., if you dare), the BillyJack films were as much about Jean (played by Delores Taylor, Laughlin’s wife and creative partner), the founder of the Freedom School, and her beliefs, as they were about Billy Jack and his struggles to accept pacifism. If nothing else, the Billy Jack films featured actual conversations and debates about actual ideologies and philosophies, as opposed to the usual shallow Hollywood politics. Unfortunately, Laughlin was also a heavy-handed storyteller and a terrible editor. TheTrialofBillyJack goes on for three hours.
And yet, of all the BillyJack films, TheTrialofBillyJack is my favorite. It’s just so weird that it’s hard not to like it. It’s a film that doesn’t really work but, at the same time, you can’t help but appreciate all the effort that was put into it. Whatever else you might be able to say about him and his films, it’s obvious that Tom Laughlin truly did think that the movies could make a difference. There’s an aching sincerity to Laughlin’s work that pretty much cannot be found in the majority of today’s films.
In honor of Laughlin’s birthday and his legacy, here’s a scene that I love from TheTrialofBillyJack. In this scene, Billy goes on a vision quest and experiences the Three Levels. I would be lying if I said I really followed much of the logic in the scene but at least we get to see Billy hit a hippie professor. Billy also smacks Jesus, which isn’t cool but Jesus shows exactly how to handle that type of belligerence and hopefully, he provides a lesson for us all.
Learn about the Three Levels, with Billy Jack. And be sure to spare a thought for the hard work of Tom Laughlin.
4 Or More Shots From 4 Or More Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!
112 years ago today, the director J. Lee Thompson was born in Bristol, England. Thompson started his career making social realist films before he moved into making genre pictures. He was nominated for Best Director for his work on 1961’s The Guns of Navarone. That said, during his lifetime, Thompson was never exactly a critical favorite. When they were first released, critics were dismissive of his entries in the original Planet of the Apes franchise and they were downright hostile to his work with Charles Bronson. However, all of those films were better appreciated by audiences and they remain cult classics to this day. Conquest of the Planet of the Apes, with its themes of protest and revolution, has especially been the subject of much recent critical reevaluation. Thompson may have been a genre director but that didn’t mean that his film were devoid of subtext. If anything, Thompson was a master of sneaking subversive themes into the least likely of works.
Thompson was a filmmaker who knew how to tell a story and who always did the best with whatever he had to work with. To be honest, many aspiring and working directors could learn a lot from spending a weekend watching some of Thompson’s films.
In honor of the man and his legacy, here are….
4 Shots From 4 J. Lee Thompson Films
Cape Fear (1962, dir by J. Lee Thompson, DP: Sam Leavitt)
Conquest of the Planet of the Apes (1972, dir by J. Lee Thompson, DP: Bruce Surtees)
Happy Birthday To Me (1981, dir by J. Lee Thompson, DP: Miklos Lente)
10 To Midnight (1983, dir by J. Lee Thompson, DP: Adam Greenberg)
Dream On has been one of Aerosmith’s signature tunes since the band’s early days in the 70s but it didn’t get its own music video until 1993, when it was included on the soundtrack for Last Action Hero.
You may remember Last Action Hero as being the notorious box office disappointment that forced Arnold Schwarzenegger to start thinking about what he might be interested in doing if his film career ever came to an end (like entering politics, perhaps). It was also one of the first films to show Hollywood that Aerosmith’s music can literally be plugged into almost any scene in any movie. Despite its reputation, Last Action Hero is not that bad. The F. Murray Abraham cameo alone is worth the price of admission.
This video is made up of footage that was shot for MTV’s 10-year anniversary celebration in 1991. It was directed by Marty Callner, who directed music videos for everyone in the 90s.