In tonight’s episode of Fear Itself, Bobby (Brandon Routh) and Tracy (Shiri Appleby) are a young couple who move to a gated community and learn that there are consequences to upsetting the HOA. The story is familiar but Mary Harron does a good job of combining satire with chills. Watching how Bobby and Tracy are pressured to conform to the rules of the community, it was hard not to be reminded of the excesses of the COVID era.
(Of course, the truly interesting thing about the COVID era was seeing how many self-styled nonconformists revealed their true selves once they were actually put in a position where taking a stand could have had consequences. They know who they are.)
This episode originally aired on July 24th, 2008. Mary Harron, of course, is best known for directing American Psycho.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
Merry Christmas!
Episode 8.15 “Santa, Santa, Santa/Another Dog Gone Christmas/Noel’s Christmas Carol”
(Dir by Richard Kinon, originally aired on December 15th, 1984)
It’s time for the Christmas voyage!
Assigned to hire a Santa Claus for the trip, Judy McCoy has finally managed to find one in the surprisingly thin form of Max Phelps (Ray Waltson). Uh-oh! Apparently, Gopher didn’t get the memo and he hired a Santa Claus of his own, Patrick Turney (Avery Schreiber). Well, this is awkward but surely …. wait a minute, who is that with Isaac? Isaac also hired a Santa Claus, in this case Shakespearean actor Malcolm (Scatman Crothers)!
How did this happen and I mean that sincerely. I guess I can understand Gopher having the power to hire a Santa Claus because he is the ship’s pursuer. But why is Isaac hiring people? How does the Captain not know who is and who isn’t being hired for his ship? And why didn’t either Gopher or Isaac tell Judy that they hired a Santa Claus?
These are legitimate questions but they really don’t matter. The three Santa Clauses are all wonderful in their roles and watching them try to outdo each other is actually pretty entertaining. This is a storyline that worked better than it had any right to, largely because there wasn’t a hint of cynicism to be found on The Love Boat. Most modern sitcoms would have made the Santa Clauses angry or bitter. But, on The Love Boat, three Santas are always better than one!
As for the other stories, Carol Kelsey (Kim Lankford) lies to her mother (Anne Francis) and tells her that Ace is her fiancé. Carol is just trying to get her mother off of her back. But when Carol falls for Ace’s friend, Noel Kane (Shea Farrell), Carol’s mother fears that her daughter is cheating on Ace. No worries! What can go wrong when you fall in love with someone named Noel on Christmas? Again, this is another episode that worked specifically because of The Love Boat’s utter and complete earnestness. It was goofy and it was perfect for a Christmas voyage.
Finally, Vicki is sailing with her dog, Tundra (played by the adorable Tundra The Wonder Dog). Because Vicki’s aunt and uncle can no longer look after Tundra and a boat is no place for a dog to live, she gives Tundra to a down-on-his luck stand-up comedian (Howard Morris). This was such a sweet story that it brought tears to my eyes. Tundra was adorable and he brought a lot of cheer to the entire boat.
Wow, Christmas in October! Happy holidays everyone!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network! It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.
This week, the fourth season comes to a close.
Episode 4.22 “The Right Thing”
(Dir by John B. Moranville, originally aired on April 25th, 1999)
Businessman John Patrone (Fred Saldone) has negotiated a peace treaty between two gangs, one black and one Latino. Finally, there will be peace in Santa Monica! However, at a rally to celebrate the treaty, a sniper shoots Patrone dead. At first, I was amazed that the police didn’t have anyone on those rooftops to prevent something like this from happening. Then I realized that security for the rally was being provided solely by Pacific Blue. Of course, the bicycle cops would screw this up.
Despite the fact that John Patrone was a major figure in Santa Monica, we never see any Homicide detectives working the case. Instead, it somehow falls to the bicycle cops to investigate. What they discover is that, despite his altruistic image, Patrone was actually a monster who sold weapons and drugs to the gangs and who raped and impregnated the daughter of Bruce Best (Kevin McClatchey). Bruce’s daughter killed herself and that’s why Bruce assassinated Patrone.
Bruce doesn’t make any effort to disguise the fact that he killed Patrone. He admits it to Bobby, Granger, Jamie, and Monica. However, the four rookie cops are convinced that Patrone deserved to die and that Bruce did “the right thing” by shooting him. In a move that is totally out-of-character for him, Bobby decides to throw all of the evidence implicating Bruce into harbor. Unfortunately, Bobby is being watched by Susan Jessup (Holly Gagnier) of Internal Affairs. Susan goes to TC and offers to let Bobby off the hook in exchange for sex. (As ludicrous a character as Susan may be, Holly Gagnier’s wonderfully unhinged performance was the highlight of the episode.) TC replies that he will arrest Bobby and Bruce personally. This episode ends with a cliffhanger as all four of our rookies pose for their mugshots.
Meanwhile, Chris and Cory deal with a teenager who wants to shoot himself out of a cannon. It’s a bit odd that the bike patrol’s two most experienced cops aren’t working the Patrone murder but whatever. I’ve given up on trying to follow Pacific Blue logic.
We’ll find out the fates of Bobby, Jamie, Granger, and Monica next week, when we start the final season of Pacific Blue. I really can’t wait for all this to be over with!
Tonight’s episode of Fear Itself is a macabre zombie story that takes place on New Year’s Day and which features a twist ending! Watch this one with the lights off.
The episode originally aired on July 17th, 2008. Director Darren Lynn Bousman is best-known for his Saw films. Personally, I’m a fan of his 2010 thriller, Mother’s Day.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell: The New Class, which ran on NBC from 1993 to 2o00. The show is currently on Prime.
We’re back at the ski lodge!
Episode 2.21 “Feuding Friends”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 26th, 1994)
At the ski lodge, Mr. Belding’s sprained ankle appears to have healed. However, Tommy still has a broken leg and it’s strange to me that he’s still even at the ski lodge. I mean, this is a school trip and a broken leg is not a minor injury. It seems like most school trips would be abruptly cancelled if a student got drunk and suffered a serious injury as a result. Has anyone called Tommy’s parents?
While everyone else is enjoying the slopes, Megan stays behind and keeps Tommy company. Soon, Megan and Tommy realize that they like each other and they decide to have dinner together. Lindsay freaks out. How dare Megan date her ex-boyfriend!? Bobby gets mad too. How dare Tommy go out with the girl that Bobby likes!? At first, Rachel is neutral but then Lindsay suggests that Megan would date Brian if he ever broke up with Rachel. Rachel gets mad at Megan for something she hasn’t done yet. Brian tries to remain neutral (“I’m swiss,” he says) and Rachel calls him a wimp.
Meanwhile, a snooty fashion photographer sees Screech on the slope and takes a lot of pictures of him. How will Screech take it when he discovers that the photographer is planning to use him as an example of how not to look?
This episode …. actually, I enjoyed this episode. Yes, the whole thing with the photographer and Screech was pretty stupid. But, when it came to everyone getting mad at each other, I could actually relate to that. When Rachel got mad over something that hadn’t happened but which could happen, I felt very seen. In its undeniably Saved By The Bell way, this episode captured the dynamic of what often happens with people who have been friends forever. You fight over stupid stuff but, in the end, you always make up.
This was a good episode. I’m as shocked as anyone.
That said, I’ll be even more shocked if the Tommy/Megan romance is ever mentioned again. Saved By The Bell always has a way of creating couples and then forgetting about them one episode later.
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing CHiPs, which ran on NBC from 1977 to 1983. The entire show is currently streaming on Prime!
This week, Ponch is busy. The rest of the Highway Patrol is impressed.
Episode 6.11 “Day of the Robot”
(Dir by Phil Bondelli, originally aired on January 2nd, 1983)
Years ago, Emily’s younger brother was killed by a reckless driver. Now, Emily (Melody Anderson) is the leader of a group of young women who drive their motorcycles up and down the highway and keep an eye out for people who run stop signs and make unsafe lane changes. They issue their own tickets. They attempt to make citizen’s arrests. They always call the Highway Patrol before going off in pursuit but Ponch, Getraer, and even Bobby still think that they’re putting their own lives at danger. When two stereo thieves decide to get revenge on Emily for a ticket, can Ponch save the day?
Meanwhile, a robot named MERV has been loaned to the Highway Patrol to help with filing and other tasks. When it turns out that MERV has a short in its system that’s turned it into a “ticking time bomb,” can Ponch figure out how shut it down so it can be repaired before it accidentally blows up the children’s wing of the hospital?
Of course, he can. Ponch can do anything!
This episode was a good example of how, during the show’s final season, everyone at the Highway Patrol was pretty much useless except for Ponch. Ponch is the one who knows exactly what to say to Emily. Ponch is the one who saves a bunch of sick kids from a potentially explosive situation. Ponch is practically the only member of the Highway Patrol who couldn’t easily be replaced by a robot.
One gets the feeling that the show’s producers were getting a little desperate during season 6. Not only have we had a UFO and a tragic death but this season has also given us a robot. Remember how the early seasons mostly just tried to be a realistic portrait of the day-to-day activities of the Highway Patrol?
Those days are over. The episode reminds us that CHiPs is now….
On tonight’s episode of Fear Itself, a young police officer (Elisabeth Moss) finds herself assigned to be a part of a detail that is guarding a serial killer cannibal named Duane Mellor (Stephen R. Hart). As the night goes on, strange things start to happen and it becomes apparent that Mellor has powers and habits that go beyond just eating people.
You may have noticed that I skipped the fourth episode of Fear Itself. That episode was In Sickness and In Health and it was about a bride-to-be who, on her wedding day, receives a note that reads, “The person you are marrying is a serial killer.” It all leads to a pretty predictable twist. The reason why I decided not to post that episode is because it was written by Victor Salva, a filmmaker who sexually abused the 12 year-old star of his first film and who, after serving 15 months in prison, somehow went on to continue making movies. I’ve made a personal decision not to review anything involving Victor Salva. That said, I do think everyone has to make their own decision as far as problematic filmmakers are concerned so I will say that the episode is on YouTube if you want to watch it.
As for Eater, it’s an intense and atmospheric episode that benefits from Stuart Gordon’s strong direction and which features good performances from both Moss and Hart. You can watch it below!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Mondays, I will be reviewing Crime Story, which ran on NBC from 1986 to 1988. The entire show can be found on Tubi!
Today, we start the second season of Crime Story!
Episode 2.1 “The Senator, The Movie Star, and the Mob”
(Dir by John Nicolella, originally aired on September 22nd, 1987)
The second season of Crime Story opens with Torello, Abrams, and the Task Force still in Las Vegas. With Luca and Pauli apparently dead as a result of that nuclear blast at the end of the first season, various gangsters are trying to position themselves as Manny Weisbord’s new man in Vegas. Carlo Mastrangelo (Stephen McHattie) is the latest contender.
(And yet, it’s hard not to notice that, during the opening credits, both Tony Denison and John Santucci are listed. Neither appears in this episode other than in the pictures displayed at their funeral. But the credits don’t seem quite convinced that Luca and Pauli are dead.)
Crusading Senator Rourke (Kevin Spacey, in his first major television role) comes to Vegas. Rourke—the son of a former bootlegger and a presidential contender who speaks with a slightly abrasive Boston accent—is holding hearings on the Mob. Also arriving in Vegas is Pamela Palmer (Jenny Wright), a platinum-blonde movie star known for her glamorous sex appeal but who spends almost the entire episode hiding a black eye behind her sunglasses. As Torello discovers, Pamela is Mastrangelo’s occasional girlfriend, but she’s also having an affair with Senator Rourke.
Anyone who has studied history or who has an interest in conspiracy theories will be able to see the obvious real-world parallels. Rourke, with his bootlegger father and his less-than-ideal private life, is an obvious stand-in for both John and Robert F. Kennedy. (Of course, when seen today, the casting of Kevin Spacey in the role brings a whole other dimension to it. Now we instinctively distrust Rourke as soon as we see him, despite the fact that the show portrays him as sincere in his crusade against the Mob.) Pamela is Marilyn Monroe. Mastrangelo and his second-in-command Bobby Meeker (Michael Wincott) bring to mind Sam Giancana and Johnny Roselli, two of the mobsters whose names regularly turn up in JFK assassination lore.
In real life, a heartbroken Marilyn Monroe overdosed and both Kennedy brothers were assassinated. On Crime Story, Torello is able to prevent Mastrangelo from assassinating Rourke, and an emotionally strengthened Pamela is able to leave Las Vegas for what will hopefully be a brighter future than the one that awaited Marilyn. This episode feels like a work of alternative history, one in which the Kennedys lived up to their promise and one determined man like Mike Torello could prevent a nation from being traumatized.
For a history nerd like me, this episode was enjoyable. It held my interest. I liked seeing how the show reimagined history. At the same time, Luca and Pauli were definitely missed. A format in which Torello deals with a villain-a-week doesn’t carry the same emotional punch as watching Torello obsess, episode after episode, on just one particularly nasty villain. Because Luca and Torello were opposite sides of the same driven coin, not having Luca around makes it feel as if Torello is incomplete as well.
That said, this episode ended with a shot of a bandaged man sitting on a beach in Mexico. Could that man be Luca? Hopefully, we’ll find out soon!
Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sunday, I will be reviewing the Canadian series, Degrassi: The Next Generation, which aired from 2001 to 2015! The series can be streamed on YouTube and Tubi.
If you’re a fan of the Emma Nelson death stare, this episode is for you. Emma spends the entire episode giving Sean the death stare.
Episode 3.13 “This Charming Man”
(Dir by Stefan Scaini, originally aired on December 10th, 2003)
Emma says she’s ready to move on from Sean, and for her, that means dating Chris (Daniel Keith Morrison). Chris is happy to finally be with Emma, but it soon becomes obvious that she’s not done being obsessed with Sean. Convinced that Sean and Jay are responsible for stealing both Snake’s laptop and the school’s DVD player, Emma tells Mr. Raditch that she and Chris saw Sean and Jay putting the DVD player into Jay’s car. When Sean learns he’s been fingered by an anonymous tipster, he figures out it was Emma. “You know I’m on probation!” he shouts at her. Raditch tells Sean to calm down. Sean tells Raditch to go to hell. Sean gets two months of morning detention, while Emma smiles.
This is a good example of how Emma is never really held responsible for any of her actions. The truth of the matter is that Jay and Sean are the ones stealing stuff from the school. However, Emma still lied about seeing Jay and Sean with the DVD player. Chris calls Emma out for lying and breaks up with her. After Emma apologizes to him (but not to Jay, Sean, or Mr. Raditch), Chris takes her back. Chris doesn’t seem too worried that Emma literally tried to send her last boyfriend to jail.
From the start of this season to her final appearance on the show, the perpetually self-righteous Emma really did become insufferable. Fortunately, this episode has an amusing B-plot in which Spinner, Paige, Hazel, and Jimmy all take driver’s education together. The problem is that their instructor, Mr. Falcone (Jim Thorburn), is a total hunk, and Paige gets so distracted by his presence in the car that she runs over several orange cones. Spinner, meanwhile, gets so jealous that when it’s his turn to drive, he runs over a cardboard cutout of a family trying to cross the road.
“Really, Spin!?” Paige says from the back seat. “A family!?”
Spinner then accidentally crashes into a parked car. No license for him!
Oh, this plot made me smile. I had such a hard time with driver’s ed, and it was mostly because the instructor wouldn’t stop talking. “Both hands on the steering wheel.” “Watch the road.” “You’re on the wrong side of the street.” “YIELD!” Bleh!
I actually came home from driving school in tears once. My mom immediately went down to the school and yelled at the instructor. Then the owner of the school rode with me to see if I was really as bad a driver as the instructor claimed. Her verdict was that I had a lazy eye, which I definitely don’t. Anyway, the important thing was that I eventually got my license and now I speed everywhere.
Where was I? Oh yeah, Degrassi. Emma’s the worst, but at least this episode featured some quality time with Paige and Spinner.
On tonight’s episode of Fear Itself, a family man (Colin Ferguson) and a serial killer (Clifton Collins, Jr) both have near-death experiences and end up switching bodies. Before you can say “I’m going to take his …. face …. off,” the family man finds himself in prison and the serial killer finds himself living with a family! Why, it would be almost be funny if not for the fact that the killer specializes in killing families.
This episode aired on June 19th, 2008. Ronny Yu also directed Freddy vs Jason.
