March True Crime: The Hunt For The Unicorn Killer (dir by William A. Graham)


Who started Earth Day?

There are a lot of names that get mentioned.  Some people give all the credit to U.S. Senator Gaylord Nelson of Wisconsin, who was  an environmentalist before it was trendy and who proposed a day-long “teach-in” in 1970.  (According to Norman Mailer, Hunter Thompson, and Gary Hart, Gaylord Nelson was also George McGovern’s personal pick for his running mate in 1972 but ultimately, Nelson didn’t get the spot because it was felt people would make fun of his first name.  Considering how things went with Thomas Eagleton, one imagines that McGovern probably ended up wishing he had the courage to go with his first instinct.)  A peace activist named John McConnell also proposed the idea of an Earth Day in 1969 but there’s some debate whether his proposed Earth Day became the actual Earth Day.  Like all things, many people have taken credit for the idea behind Earth Day.

Ira Einhorn was one of those people.  A prominent member of Pennsylvania’s counter-culture, Einhorn was a self-styled New Age environmentalist and he did speak at the first Earth Day event in Philadelphia.  Einhorn went on to become a prominent guru, providing his services to several corporations that were looking to shake off their stodgy image.  He led protests against nuclear energy.  He wrote articles about CIA duplicity.  He was, for a while, a popular figure and, due to his last name, he was nicknamed “The Unicorn.”  He always claimed that he was instrumental in starting Earth Day but the organizers behind the event have always been quick to say that he had little do with it.

It’s understandable that the people behind Earth Day would rather not be associated with Ira Einhorn.  Einhorn presented himself as being a quirky, fun-loving hippie but, in private, he was known for having both a violent temper and a misogynistic streak.  In 1977, Einhorn’s ex-girlfriend, Texas-born Holly Maddux, disappeared.  In 1979, her mummified remains were found in a box that Einhorn kept in his closet.  Arrested for her murder and defended in court by future U.S. Sen. Arlen Specter, Einhorn claimed that he was innocent and that he had no idea how Holly Maddux ended up in his closet.  (He suggested the CIA might be responsible.)  With the help of his wealthy friends, Einhorn fled the United States and ended up in Europe.  He lived in Europe for nearly 20 years until he was finally arrested in France.  Einhorn’s claim that he was being framed for his anti-nuclear advocacy found a sympathetic audience amongst certain members of the French intellectual community.  Eventually, though, Ira Einhorn was extradited to Pennsylvania.  He spent the rest of his life in prison, eventually dying in 2020.  To the end, he had his supporters despite the fact that he was clearly guilty.

Made for television in 1999, The Hunt For The Unicorn Killer tells the story of Ira (Kevin Anderson), Holly (a pre-Mulholland Drive Naomi Watts), and Holly’s father, Fred (Tom Skerritt).  It does a good job of telling the disturbing story of Ira Einhorn and it features good performances from its main stars.  Tom Skerritt especially does a good job as a father determined to get justice for his daughter.  The film shows how so many of Ira’s friends rationalized his actions, not wanting to admit that their nostalgia for the 60s and the counterculture was blinding them to the monster in their midst. It’s a portrait of how one evil man was able to take advantage of the idealism of others.

The Hunt For The Unicorn Killer‘s original running time was 163 minutes and it was aired over two nights.  It was later edited down to 90 minutes for syndication.  The uncut version is available on YouTube and that’s definitely the one to see.

Guilty Pleasure No. 78: Armageddon (dir by Michael Bay)


Remember that time that Bruce Willis and a team of oil drillers saved all of humanity from a giant asteroid that was apparently the size of Texas?

Sure, you do!  Everyone remembers Armageddon!

1998’s Armageddon is a film that doesn’t get a lot of respect but which everyone remembers.  There’s been a lot of movies made about giant asteroids on a collision path with the Earth.  Ever since scientists announced that a collision with a comet or an asteroid probably killed the dinosaurs, there’s been a somewhat irrational fear that the same thing could happen to us.  Back in 1978, Sean Connery and Karl Malden tried to stop a Meteor (and failed).  In 1998, the same year that Armageddon came out, Morgan Freeman, Robert Duvall, and Elijah Wood tried to stop an asteroid from causing a Deep Impact (and failed).  Adam McKay made an entire film about everyone saying, “Don’t Look Up,” in an attempt to promote increased panic about climate change (and failed).  (“I’m so scared!” Leonardo DiCaprio shouted and audiences responded, “Oh, calm down.”)  And yet, it’s Armageddon — ridiculed by critics, endlessly parodied by other movies — that people use as their go-to source for commenting on the prospect of a mass extinction event.  Mostly because, in Armageddon, humanity didn’t fail.  Bruce Willis showed that asteroid who was boss!

Why do we love Armageddon?  A lot of it has to do with the cast.  Not only do you have Bruce Willis battling an asteroid but you’ve also got Steve Buscemi, Owen Wilson, Ben Affleck, Will Patton, Michael Clarke Duncan, Peter Stormare, William Fichtner, and a host of others working with him.  You’ve got Billy Bob Thornton working ground control.  You’ve got Liv Tyler, somehow managing to give a decent performance even while Ben Affleck attacks her with animal crackers.  It’s not just the cast is full of familiar and likable actors.  It’s that the members of the cast know exactly what type of film that they’re appearing in and they all give exactly the right type of performance for that film.  They deliver their lines with conviction while not making the mistake of taking themselves too seriously.  Bruce Willis announces that his crew will destroy that asteroid in return for never having to pay taxes again and he announces with just the slightest hint of a smirk, knowing that the audience is going to cheer that moment.

But really, the real reason why Armageddon has survived that test of time is because it’s just so utterly shameless.  Director Michael Bay will never be accused of being a subtle director but Bay instinctively understood that Armageddon was not a film that demanded subtlety.  Armageddon is a film that demands that constantly moving camera and all of those carefully composed scenes that were clearly made so they could be included in the trailer.  It’s a film about big moments and big emotions.  Unlike something like Deep Impact, it doesn’t get bogged down in trying to be better than it actually is.  Unlike Don’t Look Now, it doesn’t degenerate into a bunch of histrionic speeches.  Armageddon exists to make the audience cheer and it succeeds.  It takes guts to include a slow motion scene of a bunch of kids celebrating in front of a faded Kennedy For President poster but Bay is exactly the type of director who can pull that off.  Michael Bay’s style is not right for a lot of films.  But it was perfect for Armageddon.

As I sit here typing this, there are some people panicking because there’s speculation that a meteor is going approach the Earth in the 2030s.  It’ll probably miss us but who knows?  But you know what?  I’m not worried at all.  I’ve seen Armageddon.  So, on this International Earth Day, let’s remember the courageous men who saved this planet back in 1998.

Previous Guilty Pleasures

  1. Half-Baked
  2. Save The Last Dance
  3. Every Rose Has Its Thorns
  4. The Jeremy Kyle Show
  5. Invasion USA
  6. The Golden Child
  7. Final Destination 2
  8. Paparazzi
  9. The Principal
  10. The Substitute
  11. Terror In The Family
  12. Pandorum
  13. Lambada
  14. Fear
  15. Cocktail
  16. Keep Off The Grass
  17. Girls, Girls, Girls
  18. Class
  19. Tart
  20. King Kong vs. Godzilla
  21. Hawk the Slayer
  22. Battle Beyond the Stars
  23. Meridian
  24. Walk of Shame
  25. From Justin To Kelly
  26. Project Greenlight
  27. Sex Decoy: Love Stings
  28. Swimfan
  29. On the Line
  30. Wolfen
  31. Hail Caesar!
  32. It’s So Cold In The D
  33. In the Mix
  34. Healed By Grace
  35. Valley of the Dolls
  36. The Legend of Billie Jean
  37. Death Wish
  38. Shipping Wars
  39. Ghost Whisperer
  40. Parking Wars
  41. The Dead Are After Me
  42. Harper’s Island
  43. The Resurrection of Gavin Stone
  44. Paranormal State
  45. Utopia
  46. Bar Rescue
  47. The Powers of Matthew Star
  48. Spiker
  49. Heavenly Bodies
  50. Maid in Manhattan
  51. Rage and Honor
  52. Saved By The Bell 3. 21 “No Hope With Dope”
  53. Happy Gilmore
  54. Solarbabies
  55. The Dawn of Correction
  56. Once You Understand
  57. The Voyeurs 
  58. Robot Jox
  59. Teen Wolf
  60. The Running Man
  61. Double Dragon
  62. Backtrack
  63. Julie and Jack
  64. Karate Warrior
  65. Invaders From Mars
  66. Cloverfield
  67. Aerobicide 
  68. Blood Harvest
  69. Shocking Dark
  70. Face The Truth
  71. Submerged
  72. The Canyons
  73. Days of Thunder
  74. Van Helsing
  75. The Night Comes for Us
  76. Code of Silence
  77. Captain Ron

Late Night Retro Television Review: Monsters 3.12 “A New Woman”


Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing Monsters, which aired in syndication from 1988 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on YouTube.

Let’s celebrate Christmas early with Monsters!

Episode 3.12 “A New Woman”

(Dir by Brian Thomas Jones, originally aired on December 16th, 1990)

It’s the day before Christmas and businessman Tom (Thomas McDermott) is dying.  His wife, Jessica (Linda Thorson), want him to sign over the deed for several building that he owns so that she can kick out everyone who isn’t paying their rent.  His son (Dan Butler) thinks that is an inhumane thing to do on Christmas.  Tom’s doctor (Mason Adams) informs Jessica that she will be visited by three spirits that will help her change her ways….

And indeed, she is!  But these aren’t the ghosts that Charles Dickens made famous.  Instead, they’re horrifying zombies that are being led by Tom’s vengeful spirit.  That’s enough to scare Jessica into changing her ways.  She doesn’t want to become a zombie!  Who would?  It’s a Merry Christmas for all!

Monsters’s take on A Christmas Carol actually isn’t bad.  It takes a while to get going but the zombies are effectively frightening and Jessica’s terrifying night is full of ominous atmosphere and effective scares.  I guess my main problem with this episode was that the pacing was odd.  It seemed to take forever to get around to that doctor telling Jessica she would receive visitors from the other side.  And when the visitors did arrive, it was effective but it still felt a bit rushed.

Still, it was nice to see Monsters not only do a Christmas episode but also, in a rarity for this show, one that had a happy ending.

Insomnia File #67: Heist (dir by Scott Mann)


What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!

If you find yourself awake later tonight, you can always go over to Tubi and watch the 2015 direct-to-video action thriller, Heist.

Heist takes place in Louisiana.  Francis “The Pope” Silva (Robert De Niro) is a mobster and businessman who owns a riverboat casino.  The Pope lives his life according to a set of simple but very specific rules.  He doesn’t lend money.  He doesn’t forgive people who betray him.  If you steal from him, he will track you down and he will get his money back and he will make you regret your decision.  Working as his main henchman is the sadistic Dog (Morris Chestnut).  The Pope’s former main henchman was a man named Luke Vaughn (Jeffrey Dean Morgan) but Luke grew tired of the violence and walked away from it all.  Now, Luke works as a dealer in The Pope’s casino.  His daughter is sick and Luke desperately needs $300,000 to pay her medial bills.  When The Pope refuses to give him the money, Luke teams up with security guard Jason Cox (Dave Bautista) and sets out to rob the place.

The robbery is carefully planned by Luke but, inevitably, things go wrong.  A security guard shows up earlier than he was supposed to.  A shootout leads to Jason’s best friend, Dante (Stephen Cyrus Sepher), getting shot.  The getaway driver panics and drives off, leading to Luke, Cox, and Dante hijacking a bus.  Cox orders the bus driver (D.B. Sweeney) to take them to Galveston but Luke is more concerned with getting the money to his daughter.  Meanwhile, two police officers — Kris Bajos (Gina Carano) and Detective Marconi (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) — follow the bus, each pursuing their own agenda.

Considering that this film is basically a low budget rip-off of Speed (albeit without a bomb threatening to take out the cast), Heist has an impressive cast and they all do a good job of elevating the film above its B-movie origins.  Don’t get me wrong.  There are hundreds of plot holes to be found in Heist.  The film’s big twist really doesn’t make much sense when you think about it.  But, in the end, Heist is an entertaining thrill ride that moves quickly enough that most viewers really won’t have time to obsess on all the lapses of logic.  Morgan plays his role with just enough heart that you want his criminal to succeed.  De Niro brings some extra layers to a role that could have been a caricature.  There’s a brief scene in which he meets his estranged daughter (Kate Bosworth) and, as a result, you suddenly see his character in an entirely new light.  As a character who seems like a much more sinister version of Zach Morris, Mark-Paul Gosselaar keeps you guessing.  And finally, Gina Carano — years before her cancellation — gives an earnest performance that works despite her character being rather inconsistently written.

Heist is an entertaining and fast-paced action film with a good cast and an interesting story.  If you can’t sleep, you might as well be entertained.

Previous Insomnia Files:

  1. Story of Mankind
  2. Stag
  3. Love Is A Gun
  4. Nina Takes A Lover
  5. Black Ice
  6. Frogs For Snakes
  7. Fair Game
  8. From The Hip
  9. Born Killers
  10. Eye For An Eye
  11. Summer Catch
  12. Beyond the Law
  13. Spring Broke
  14. Promise
  15. George Wallace
  16. Kill The Messenger
  17. The Suburbans
  18. Only The Strong
  19. Great Expectations
  20. Casual Sex?
  21. Truth
  22. Insomina
  23. Death Do Us Part
  24. A Star is Born
  25. The Winning Season
  26. Rabbit Run
  27. Remember My Name
  28. The Arrangement
  29. Day of the Animals
  30. Still of The Night
  31. Arsenal
  32. Smooth Talk
  33. The Comedian
  34. The Minus Man
  35. Donnie Brasco
  36. Punchline
  37. Evita
  38. Six: The Mark Unleashed
  39. Disclosure
  40. The Spanish Prisoner
  41. Elektra
  42. Revenge
  43. Legend
  44. Cat Run
  45. The Pyramid
  46. Enter the Ninja
  47. Downhill
  48. Malice
  49. Mystery Date
  50. Zola
  51. Ira & Abby
  52. The Next Karate Kid
  53. A Nightmare on Drug Street
  54. Jud
  55. FTA
  56. Exterminators of the Year 3000
  57. Boris Karloff: The Man Behind The Monster
  58. The Haunting of Helen Walker
  59. True Spirit
  60. Project Kill
  61. Replica
  62. Rollergator
  63. Hillbillys In A Haunted House
  64. Once Upon A Midnight Scary
  65. Girl Lost
  66. Ghosts Can’t Do It

Song of the Day: Under the Boardwalk, performed by Bruce Wills and The Drifters


Happy birthday to the legendary Bruce Willis.  Here he has in the 80s, performing Under The Boardwalk with The Drifters.  It’s also our song of the day.

Oh, when the sun beats down and burns the tar up on the roof
And your shoes get so hot you wish your tired feet were fire proof
Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be

Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We’ll be havin’ some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We’ll be fallin’ in love
(Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)

From the park you hear the happy sound of the carousel
You can almost taste the hot dogs and french fries they sell, yes you can
Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be

Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We’ll be havin’ some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We’ll be fallin’ in love
(Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)

Yeah, under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby is where I’ll be

Out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) We’ll be havin’ some fun
(Under the boardwalk) People walking above
(Under the boardwalk) We’ll be fallin’ in love
(Under the boardwalk) Yeah (boardwalk)

Songwriters: Arthur Resnick / Kenny Young

SHANE (The TV Series) – Episode 12: The Silent Gift (originally aired November 26th, 1966)


Episode 12 opens with Shane (David Carradine) and Rufe Ryker (Bert Freed) looking over a beautiful Appaloosa colt. Shane wants to buy it for Joey (Christopher Shea) and offers Ryker $50. Ryker gets a good laugh at that, but he does make Shane a counteroffer: if Shane will work at his cattle ranch for one month, he’ll then let Shane have the colt for $50. Shane doesn’t really want to do it, but it’s important to him to get Joey the colt, so he agrees. Ryker allows Shane to go ahead and take the colt to the Starett ranch and give him to Joey. Of course, Joey is ecstatic and can’t wait to start taking care of him. Marian Starett (Jill Ireland) isn’t that happy with Shane about the deal to work for Ryker for a month, but it’s soon clear that no amount of protesting from her will stop Shane from doing this for Joey. 

The next day Shane is moving into Ryker’s bunkhouse for the month, and we begin getting a feel for the various men working for Ryker. The foreman Kyle (Jack Ging) immediately takes a disliking for Shane for no particular reason other than jealousy, I guess. He’s a real jerk, and he seems to have some kind of inferiority complex. In more modern times, it seems possible that Kyle might drive a big truck with swinging testicles attached to the trailer hitch. We also meet Jingles (J. Pat O’Malley), an older man who the other cowboys pick on for sport. He takes it because he doesn’t want to ruffle any feathers or get turned out by Ryker. Jingles tells Shane that this job is the only thing he has in life, and he doesn’t know what he’d do if he were to lose it. That night Ryker comes into the bunkhouse and tells Shane that there will be no fighting, and that if he puts his hands on one of his men, he’ll be fired and the deal for the colt is off. Shane just wants to keep his head down and work out his month and then get back to his life at the Starett ranch. Even though Shane works extremely hard and proves to be a good “hand,” it becomes clear that foreman Kyle is going to do everything he can to make his life a living hell. Will Shane be able to finish out a month at Ryker’s place and pay for Joey’s gift? Will Jingles tell the truth when Kyle picks a fight with Shane? Will Joey learn valuable lessons in life from the colt? Will Marian admit to Shane how much she misses him when he’s gone? All good questions: episode 12 has the answers! 

While it may be a slight step down from the sheer awesomeness of the prior installment, episode 12, “The Silent Gift,” is another fine episode of the Shane TV series. I mention the name of the episode because its use of the word “silent” captures part of what I enjoy so much about the series. Shane doesn’t say a lot throughout the entire series, but he continuously lets his actions prove out who he is as a person. In this case, his love for Joey is on full display because of what he does for him in this episode. Now don’t get me wrong, words are important, and I still tell my wife and children that I love them daily. But words are hollow if they’re not backed up by actions. Shane always backs up his words. Shane’s motives are the antithesis of a person like the foreman Kyle, who’s outwardly all bluster and bravado, but whose actions are fueled completely by lies and deceit. The character of Jingles, who seems like a nice enough old guy, is also shown to be in sharp contrast to Shane. Jingle’s life is controlled by fear and his actions are all about self-preservation. The sad truth is the fact that there are a lot more Kyle’s and Jingle’s in this world than there are Shane’s. On a positive note, the character arc of Jingles ultimately gives us hope that it’s never too late for any of us to do the right thing. 

The main guest stars in this episode, Jack Ging and J. Pat O’Malley, both caught my attention. Ging, who played foreman Kyle, looked very familiar to me. A look at his filmography shows he was the dad in WHERE THE RED FERN GROWS (1974) and appeared in three different Clint Eastwood films a few years after appearing in this episode. One of the first books I remember reading purely for pleasure was “Where the Red Fern Grows.” I loved it so much and watched the movie many times growing up. To be honest, I haven’t thought about it for years, but now I’m hankering for a rewatch. And O’Malley, who played Jingles, also has an interesting filmography. He provided voiceover work for many classic animated films like ONE HUNDRED AND ONE DALMATIONS (1961) and THE JUNGLE BOOK (1967). And what really amazes me is the fact that he voiced characters in Disney’s “Pirates of the Caribbean” attraction, including one of the prisoners coaxing the dog with the keys in his mouth. When you’ve been to Disney World as many times as I have, I now see O’Malley as a rock star! 

Shane’s relationship with Marian has one really good moment in this episode. When Shane is visiting the Starett ranch one night, Marian tells him how much they miss him, how much SHE misses him, when he’s gone. I believe she would have been open to a big kiss if Shane would have gone for it, but instead he just said “that’s nice to hear” before saying goodnight. Here’s one time I don’t agree with the action Shane takes. With only five more episodes to go, the romantic in me is still hoping for a big-time payoff in love! 

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.20 and 5.21 “The Musical/My Ex-Mom/The Show Must Go On/The Pest/My Aunt, the Worrier”


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

It’s time to set sail for adventure, your mind on a new romance.  The Love Boat promises something for everyone so welcome aboard …. it’s love!

Episode 5.20 and 5.21 “The Musical/My Ex-Mom/The Show Must Go On/The Pest/My Aunt, the Worrier”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on February 27th, 1982)

I tried, everyone.  Seriously, I really did try.

This week’s episode was a musical.  It’s not just that the crew of the Love Boat was putting together their first annual crew talent show.  It’s not just that Ethel Merman appeared as Gopher’s mom while Carol Channing played Julie’s aunt and Della Reese played Isaac’s mom while Ann Miller showed up as Doc’s former mother-in-law.  All of that was fine.  The episode was called The Musical and, looking at that guest list, I expected that the majority of this super-sized, two hour musical would feature the crew and their relatives rehearsing.  I was looking forward to it.  I’m a dancer.  Ann Miller’s one of my heroes.  Bring it on!

The problem was that the crew also sang and danced when they weren’t rehearsing.  Every few moments there was a big production number.  Some of them were entertaining.  Again, Ann Miller was there and I love watching her dance.  But most of the production numbers were pretty bad.  It quickly became obvious that the Love Boat crew was not made up of natural-born singers and dancers.  Fred Grandy tried really hard whenever he had to sing and he earnest dedication was charming but otherwise, most of the musical numbers fell flat.  Each number was followed by wild applause but, seeing as how The Love Boat was not shot in front of a live studio audience, it quickly became apparent that the applause — much like the laugh track — was being piped in.  Fake applause just made the whole thing feel …. not right.

I really wanted to like this episode but it just didn’t work for me.  If it had limited the singing and dancing to the talent show, it would have been fun.  But by turning the entire episode into a musical, it just became a bit too much, an experiment that ultimately didn’t work.

Do I sound like a feel guilty for not liking this episode?  Well, I guess I do.  Of all the shows that I review, The Love Boat is frequently my favorite and I really, really wanted to like this episode.  I could tell that the cast was doing their best.  I could tell that they probably had fun shooting this episode.  But, in the end, it just didn’t work.  I wanted it to work but it didn’t.

Oh well.  I applaud the show for experimenting, even if it didn’t quite come together.  Next week will be better!

Film Review: Precious Cargo (dir by Max Adams)


2016’s Precious Cargo tells the story of Jack (Mark-Paul Gosselaar) and his ex-wife Karen (Claire Forlani).

Karen is a professional thief who has botched a robbery for her former lover, crime boss Eddie Filosa (Bruce Willis).  Eddie wants Karen dead so, of course, Karen flees down to the Florida everglades, where she finds Jack living in a swamp shack and making love to his latest girlfriend, Jenna (Lydia Hull).  Karen tells them to go ahead and finish up and she’ll just wait out in the kitchen.  Jack in not particularly happy to see Karen again but then he notices that she has a baby bump.  “Always use a condom,” Karen tells Jenna.  Eddie’s men, led by Simon (Daniel Berhardt), attack and it all leads to a boat chase that is surprisingly exciting when you consider that Precious Cargo is a low-budget, direct-to-video offering.

It turns out that Jack can save Karen from Eddie’s wrath by planning and executing a heist for the crime boss.  Jack assembles his crew, Jack gets ready for the heist …. uh-oh, it’s time for a double cross!  The plot is nothing special.  It’s identical to a hundred other low-budget crime films that you’ve seen recently.  It’s the type of thing that Michael Mann could have turned into a metaphor for American ennui but, in this film, it’s just a typical heist.  The viewer enjoys it while it’s happening and then forgets about it two minutes afterwards.

That said, Precious Cargo is not quite as bad as the typical direct-to-video film.  Mark-Paul Gosselaar — yes, Zack Morris himself — gives a reasonably compelling performance as Jack.  To a certain group of people, he’s always be Zack and I imagine he’s sick of people asking him about whether or not he still has his giant phone but, as he’s gone from teen idol to adult actor, Gosselaar has shown himself to be a talented actor.  (For the record, Zack lost his phone in the drunk driving episode.  I know some people say that episode doesn’t count because it was a Tori episode but I say that it does.  So there.)  Claire Forlani is actually more compelling in these direct-to-video films than she ever was in any of the big budget studio films that she used to appear in.

Of course, I imagine that the main selling point for this film was meant to be Bruce Willis.  This is one of the direct-to-video films that dominated the last fourth of Willis’s career.  When Willis retired due to aphasia, there was a general assumption that all of Willis’s direct-to-video films were made as a result of his condition.  I don’t know if that’s quite true.  (It’s entirely possible that he just wanted a quick payday.)  But it is true that Willis only has a few minutes of screentime in Precious Cargo and that several shots involving Eddie were accomplished with a stand-in.  That said, in this film, Willis still brings some energy to the part.  He’s an effective villain, even if I think everyone prefers to see Willis saving the day.  Even in the direct-to-video era, Bruce Willis still had a definite presence.

Precious Cargo is predictable and ultimately forgettable but it’s still entertaining enough for 90 minutes.