The Jurors”

Posted on February 14, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, The Love Boat heads to the Virgin Islands in a special two-hour episode!

(For syndication purposes, this episode is technically listed as being two episodes.)

Episode 4.2 and 4.3 “The Family Plan/The Promoter/May The Best Man Win/Forever Engaged/The Jurors”

(Dir by Roger Duchowny, originally aired on November 1st, 1980)

One of the cool things about The Love Boat is that, at least once per season, the cast and crew would actually film on location on an actual cruise. You can always spot these episodes by the fact that they’re usually two-hours long, there’s more passengers than usual, and the guest stars tend to spend more time on the upper deck than in their cabins. It may not sound like much but there’s just something undeniably fun about seeing the actual ocean while the ship’s crew and the show’s guest stars go through the motions. It’s a reminder that we live on a beautiful planet and we should all make the effort to go out and see some of it.

The fourth season’s location shoot followed the boat as it sailed from the Virgin Islands to Los Angeles, with stops in Curacao, Venezuela, and Panama. Along with all of the usual romance and laughs, this episode is a bit of a travelogue as Gopher, Julie, and the Captain all take their turn telling the passengers about the history of where they are sailing. Isaac even gets into the act, pointing out the Virgin Islands to Doc Bricker. (Being the walking HR nightmare that he is, Bricker can’t hear that name without making a comment about it.) For a history and travel nerd like me, that was enough to make this episode fun.

As for the storylines, it was typical Love Boat silliness. Promoter Larry Evans (Darren McGavin) is promoting a contest in which 50 engages couples will be married by Captain Stubing in a mass wedding aboard the ship. (It’s kind of like what happens in cults, now that I think about it.) One lucky couple will win money, a house, and a car. Larry boards the ship with his wife, Sheila (Debbie Reynolds) and it quickly becomes apparent that their marriage is struggling, despite the happy facade that Larry attempts to put up. When Larry’s plan for a network television special falls through, he’s offered a bribe by one of the engaged couples. When Sheila learns that Larry is considering taking the bribe, she announces that she wants a divorce and then starts spending a lot of time with Captain Stubing. Again, Vicki gets her hopes up that she’ll soon have a stepmother.

Meanwhile, Carl Lawrence (Peter Graves) boards the ship to try to keep his son, Ted (Brian Kerwin), from rushing into a marriage with Carrie (Erin Moran). Meanwhile, Carrie’s mother, Mary Ann (Kathie Browne), boards to keep Carrie from rushing into a marriage with Ted. Carl and Mary Ann are eager to work together to keep this wedding from happening. But then Carl and Mary Ann fall in love and start planning a rushed wedding of their own. “Are we hypocrites?” Carl wonders. Yes, you are. But you’re also Peter Graves so you can pretty much do whatever you want.

Tom McMann (Ted Knight) and Mary Hubble (Rue McClanahan) have been engaged for ten years. Mary fears that Tom won’t go actually go through with the wedding and Tom suddenly finds himself unable to say the words, “I do.” Can Isaac help them out?

Marv Prine (Don Most), who previously sailed on last season’s Alaskan cruise, boards as the best man for the wedding of his friend Brian (Lloyd Alan) and Emily (Charlene Tilton). However, Brian decides he’d rather run off with an old girlfriend and he leaves it to Marv to break the news to Emily. Marv can’t bring himself to do it so he keeps making excuses and promising Emily that Brian will meet them at the next port. Marv falls in love with Emily but suddenly, Brian shows up. When he finds out that Marv didn’t tell Emily the truth about him standing her up, Brian decides to go ahead with the wedding. Emily becomes convinced that Marv was trying to steal her away from Brian but then she finds a receipt from a cheap hotel and she realizes the truth. “You’re not a man,” Julie tells Brian. WAY TO GO, JULIE!

Finally, the Captain assigns Doc Bricker the task of judging the couples contest. Doc thinks that it sounds tedious so he passes the job onto Gopher. However, when Doc sees that the other two judges are Valerie (Dawn Wells) and Rena (Ann Jillian), he conspires to take Gopher’s place. While docked at Curacao, Doc sends Gopher assure to pick up some medical supplies. Gopher, of course, walks up to a cop and asks for help finding “the drugs.” When the cop doesn’t understand, Gopher says, “I want to buy drugs.” Long story short, Gopher ends up in jail and the ship sails off without him.

Wow, that’s a lot to deal with! But don’t worry it all works out.

Gopher meets a Spanish diplomat’s daughter and is not only freed from jail but he also gets a girlfriend and a limo for his trouble. When the ship docks in Los Angeles, Valerie and Rena abandon Doc so that they can take a ride in Gopher’s new limo.

Larry does not take the bribe and saves his marriage.

Everyone else gets married.

Yay! A happy ending! Except, of course, for Vicki, who thought she was going to get a stepmother. But don’t worry, Vicki. There’s still 6 more seasons to go.

This was a fun episode. It made me want to take a cruise. Interestingly enough, this is also a prophetic episode. A cruise for engaged couples in which one couple wins a big prize? Today, there’s not a network around that would pass on that.

See? The Love Boat knew exactly where America sailing.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 2.24 “Bowling/Command Performance”

Posted on May 30, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, the Island plays hosts to both a bowling tournament and a circus reunion!

Episode 2.24 “Bowling/Command Performance”

(Dir by Michael Vejar, originally aired on May 12th, 1979)

This week, after spotting the approaching plane, Tattoo attempts to show off the new rocket fuel he’s invented. Unfortunately, the fuel doesn’t work and the rocket doesn’t take off. I guess that’s actually a good thing, considering that there’s a plane flying over the island.

“Let’s greet our guests,” a visibly annoyed Roarke says.

This week, Fantasy Island is playing host to two big events. First, there’s the Fantasy Island Bowling Tournament, in which three of the world’s greatest bowlers will face off against Lou Fielding (Al Molinaro). Lou is not a bowling champion. In fact, he’s not even a very good bowler. I don’t know much about bowling but even I know that the goal is not to get the ball in the gutter. However, Lou’s fantasy is to win the championship. Mr. Roarke plants stories in the local press that Lou has been causing a stir on the European bowling circuit and, at the tournament, Lou discovers that strikes are all that he can roll. Unfortunately, Lou’s fantasy is due to end at midnight and, because of an electrical short, the championship game is delayed until the final morning. Can Lou get the three strikes that he needs, even though he no longer has the benefit of the Island’s magic?

While this is going on, Naomi Gittings (Joan Blondell) is hosting a reunion of all of the people who used to perform in her circus. That’s right …. the Island is crawling with acrobats, lion tamers, and clowns! There’s especially a lot of clowns. But I think most viewers will be more interested in Roddy McDowall, playing the role of a former tight-rope walker named Richard Simmons. Richard used to be on the best but then he lost his balance, fell off his rope, and smashed his leg. Now, he’s a drunk who walks with a limp and is forced to beg his old friends for money. When members of the circus start to get murdered, Richard is the natural suspect. But, as Mr. Roarke reveals, there’s more to this mystery than meets the eye….

I liked this episode. Both of the stories were entertaining and, after last week’s children’s episode, it was kind of nice to once again be dealing with adults. The bowling fantasy had the potential to be too silly for its own good but Al Molinaro and, in the role of his wife, Rue McClanahan played their roles with surprising conviction. The highlight of the episode was Roddy McDowall, giving a serious performance as poor Richard. All in all, this was a good trip to Fantasy Island.

Next week, the second season comes to an end with a second visit to …. ugh …. “the other side of the Island.”

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.13 “El Kid/The Last Hundred Bucks/Isosceles Triangle”

Posted on May 10, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome aboard! Get ready for tonal whiplash on this week’s episode of The Love Boat!

Episode 2.13 “El Kid/The Last Hundred Bucks/Isosceles Triangle”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on December 9th, 1978)

Wes (David Madden) and Renee Larson (Dena Dietrich) are happy to be setting sail with their friend and business partner, April (Rue McClanahan). They’re even more excited when the widowed April meets Van Milner (Dabney Coleman), a recently divorced businessman. Not only is April falling in love with Van but it also appears that Van might even be willing to join the board of April’s hospital and invest some of his money into fixing the place up. Except, of course, Van lost his job over a year ago and he really doesn’t have that much money left. April is crestfallen to discover that Van is not the wealthy man that she believed him to be. Was he just romancing her for her money? When Van wins a few thousand dollars at the craps table, he donates the money to the hospital and April realizes that he was being honest about his feelings towards her.

This was a pretty predictable story and April was way too quick to forgive Van for his dishonesty but it was interesting to see an actor like Dabney Coleman, someone who brought a naturally cynical edge to any character that he played, on a show like The Love Boat. As played by Coleman, Van seemed to be suffering from very real inner pain. For once, the emotional drama on The Love Boat felt, if not quite real, then at least credible.

Speaking of pain, that’s what Larry (Robert Urich) and Cybill Hartman (Heather Menzies) had waiting for them when they took the Love Boat to Mexico so they could adopt a baby. Upon arriving at the local orphanage, they were told that the mother of their baby had changed her mind and would not be giving up her baby after all. Instead, Larry and Cybill left with 12 year-old Pepito (Gabriel Melgar), a little brat who steals Larry’s watch and sells it on the boat. When Larry gets upset, Pepito grabs an inflatable lifeboat and prepares to jump overboard. Fortunately, Larry and Cybill talk him out of it and he agrees to be their son and to stop stealing stuff. This was an annoying story, largely because Pepito was so whiny. It was hard not to feel that Larry and Cybill deserved better than having to raise Pepito.

Finally, Julie’s friend, Karen Maynard (Connie Stevens), boards the boat and both Captain Stubing and Doc Bricker spend the entire voyage pursuing her because it’s not like the Captain and the ship’s doctor would actually be expected do their job while the ship is floating in the middle of the ocean. Gopher, Ike, and Julie take bets on who Karen will choose but, in the end, Karen chooses neither because both Doc and Stubing decide to respect the other’s feelings and stop pursuing Karen. This whole storyline was silly because there was really no doubt about who Karen would have picked. Seriously, anyone who is a passenger on a cruise is automatically going to fall for the captain because the captain is the most powerful person on the boat. But, on the plus side, the storyline showed off the chemistry between all of the show’s regulars. It was likable, even if it never quite felt plausible.

This was an episode about which I had mixed feelings. The three storylines were so tonally dissimilar that they didn’t really seem that they all should have been happening on the same cruise. Plus, Pepito was the most obnoxious orphan since the kids on One World. I’m glad things worked out for Dabney Coleman, though.

Embracing the Melodrama #25: The People Next Door (dir by David Greene)

Posted on July 5, 2014 by Lisa Marie Bowman

For the past week, I’ve been reviewing — in chronological order — fifty of the most, for reasons good and bad, memorable film melodramas of all time. I started with a film from 1916 called Where Are My Children? and now, as we reach the halfway mark, we also reach the 70s. There were several reasons why I wanted to start the 70s with the 1970 drugs-in-the-suburbs melodrama, The People Next Door. First off, not many people seem to have heard of it and I always enjoy discovering and sharing previously obscure films. But, even more importantly, The People Next Door stars Eli Wallach, the great character actor who recently passed away at the age of 98. Needless to say, Wallach is great in The People Next Door but then again, when wasn’t Wallach great?

At first glance, the Masons appears to be your typical suburban family. Patriarch Arthur (Eli Wallach) may be a bit strict but he works hard to provide his family with a good life. Wife Gerrie (Julie Harris) may seem to be a bit nervous at times but she still works hard to maintain a perfect home. Son Artie (Stephen McHattie) may have long hippie hair and he does devote a lot of time to his band but otherwise, he seems to be a good kid. And then there’s 16 year-old Maxie (Deborah Winters), who is blonde and pretty and overall the ideal American girl. Even better the Masons live next door to the friendly Hoffmans, perfect David Hoffman (Hal Holbrook), his perfect wife Tina (Cloris Leachman), and their perfect teenage son, Sandy (Don Scardino).

But guess what?

Nobody’s perfect!

Arthur is actually a smug and overbearing bully whose constant bragging hides his own dissatisfaction with how his life has turned out. He is jealous of his son’s future and his over protectiveness of his daughter takes on a distinctly disturbing tone as the film progresses. Arthur is also having an affair with his secretary (Rue McClanahan).

Gerrie knows about Arthur’s affair but chooses to look the other way. She goes through her day in a haze of smoke provided by the cigarettes that she is constantly smoking. Like Arthur, she cannot understand her children. Unlike Arthur, she does realize that she doesn’t have all the answers.

Artie may be a good kid but he feels totally and thoroughly alienated from the rest of the family and, because of his long hair, he is the constant subject of Arthur’s abuse.

And then there’s Maxie, who everyone believes to be perfect and wholesome until one night when she’s discovered tripping on LSD. Arthur immediately assumes that Artie must have given his sister the drugs and kicks Artie out of the house. However, what Arthur doesn’t realize, is that Maxie is actually getting the drugs from clean-cut Sandy. Sandy doesn’t use himself but he has no problem with dealing.

To Arthur and Gerrie’s shock, Maxie tells them that she’s been using drugs for a while and she’s sexually active as well! When Arthur subsequently discovers Maxie snorting cocaine and living with a naked biker, it’s naturally time for everyone to get into family therapy. Unfortunately, the therapy doesn’t really help that much and soon, Maxie is again dropping acid and dancing naked on the front lawn…

As you can probably guess from the description above, The People Next Door is one of those families-in-crisis melodramas where everything that possibly can be wrong with a family is wrong with this family. It’s always easy to dismiss well-intentioned films like this and The People Next Door has its share over-the-top moments. But, at the same time, the film actually works better than most of the Suburban Hell melodramas of the early 70s.

That’s largely due to the performances, with Eli Wallach in particular giving an explosive performance as an all too plausible monster and Hal Holbrook and Cloris Leachman very believably bringing to life another family which turns out to be not quite as ideal as they first appear to be. And then there’s Deborah Winters, who starts out as being so mannered that you think she’s going to give a bad performance but then, as the film progresses, you realize that Maxie is the one giving the performance because that’s the only way she can survive her “perfect” family.

I first came across The People Next Door on YouTube and, considering how much I love exposing people to obscure films, I was really looking forward to sharing it with you on this site. But guess what? In the three weeks between me watching this film and me staring this post, The People Next Door was taken down from the site. I guess somebody is really dedicating to protecting the copyright on a film that hardly anybody in the world has actually heard of.

So, unfortunately, I can only share the trailer.

Watch it below!