Late Night Retro Television Review: 4.5 “….The Clock Runs Out”

Posted on June 17, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing 1st and Ten, which aired in syndication from 1984 to 1991. The entire series is streaming on Tubi.

This week, Joe Hears meets his fate.

Episode 4.5 “….The Clock Runs Out”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on November 2nd, 1988)

Poor Joe Hearns!

Last episode, Joe went from being a skid row windshield cleaner to being a defense coordinator to being a linebacker on the team. This episode …. well, he dies.

Seriously.

It’s not a particularly noble death either. After a rookie player (played by Kevin Sorbo, of all people) is seriously injured in a prank involving a bull, Hearns decides to go back to the farm and challenge the bull himself. The show ends with the bull charging at Hearns and since Harold Sylvester (the actor who played Hearn) is not listed as having appeared in any episode of 1st & Ten beyond this one, I can only assume that the bull won.

Seriously, what was the point of that whole storyline? Bubba, Jethro, and TD all thought that Joe Hearns would be able to redeem himself on the Bulls. Hearns turned out to be suffering from massive PTSD, the result of having crippled an opposing player the last time he played. This episode, Joe has a near breakdown when one of the team’s new executives reprimands Joe for parking in his spot. And then Joe dies. I guess the lesson here is that he would have been better off if Bubba and Jethro had just left him in that parking lot.

Watching this show, I get the feeling that the writers really didn’t have much direction in the writing room. It’s amazing how often a potentially interesting character like Joe Hearn will be introduced and then dropped an episode later. There have been so many storylines that have been started and abandoned in a similar fashion. This very season started with the Bulls players buying the team and then, three episodes later, they decided that they didn’t want to be team owners after all.

The one thing that remains consistent? The bland affability of OJ Simpson. OJ may not have been a particularly good actor but he certainly was personable. That undoubtedly paid off for him later in life.

Unfortunately, Joe Hearns was not personable. And now, he’s dead.

(Actually, so is OJ.)

Late Night Retro Television Review: 1st & Ten 4.4 “Down and Out in Bulls Stadium”

Posted on June 10, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Episode 4.4 “Down and Out In Bulls Stadium”

(Dir by Stan Lathan, originally aired on October 26th, 1988)

The first game of the year is approaching and the Bulls, now owned by the Dobbs Corporation, have got a lot to deal with.

Mad Dog has to explain to an aspiring cheerleader (Christie Claridge) that he no longer has the power to make her a Bullette, despite the fact that he promised that he would do so when he was trying to get her to sleep with him.

New quarterback Doug Clayton (Scott Geyer) has to prove that he can lead the team, despite having a reputation for being an intellectual. Doug gave up a Rhodes scholarship so that he could play professional football. That doesn’t sound that smart, to be honest. I mean, will Oxford still be willing to give Doug a chance after he’s suffered twenty concussions?

TD Parker (OJ Simpson) must now work for the Dobbs Corporation, despite previously criticizing the corporation for not promoting enough minorities. TD explains to the press that he and the new owners came to an agreement. He also mentions that the corporation agreed to pay him a lot of money. So, I guess TD’s days as a radical labor leader have been slashed short.

Finally, after Bubba and Jethro spot him living in a parking lot and wiping windshields for a living, they convince TD to hire Joe Hearns (Harold Sylvester) as a defensive coach. Hearns was once a linebacker, which I guess is a defensive position. His career came to an end when he crippled a wide receiver. As a defensive coach, Hearns is a wash. At one point, he nearly runs out onto the field to tackle an opposing player. To me, that would indicate that Hearns has some mental issues and poor impulse control. To Coach Denardo, it means that Joe should be playing instead of coaching. Hearns returns to the lineup and promptly starts to have nightmares about the player he crippled.

Here’s the important thing, though. Doug leads the Bulls to victory in their first game and he makes it a point to praise defensive players like Mad Dog and Dr. Death. Tim Yinessa? Who needs him! Team Doug all the way!

This episode …. actually, it wasn’t that bad. I will admit that I laughed when Hearns had a vision of a wheelchair-bound football player rolling straight at him but that’s just because it was such an absurd image. Harold Sylvester actually gave a pretty good performance as the emotionally damaged, guilt-ridden Joe Hearns. I’m interested in seeing what the show is going to do with the Hearns character and Doug is far more interesting quarterback than the somewhat whiny Yinessa.

This season might be okay!

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 7.15 “How Do I Love Thee?/No More Alimony/Authoress! Authoress!”

Posted on April 15, 2026 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, the Love Boat takes a dramatic turn.

Episode 7.15 “How Do I Love Thee?/No More Alimony/Authoress! Authoress!”

(Dir by Kim Friedman, originally aired on January 7th, 1984)

As usual, this week’s episode features three stories. Two of them are very silly.

Betty White and Carol Channing play two Broadway veterans who are hoping to interest publisher Cesar Romero in Betty’s autobiography. Cesar is more interested in Carol. Betty and Carol collaborate on a book that is full of sordid lies. Cesar says he’ll publish it because “the hicks in the South” will love it. Carol announces that she is a hick from the South and promptly rips the manuscript in half. Good for her!

Alan Thicke wants his ex-wife, Michelle Phillips, to marry Fred Willard so that he’ll no longer have to pay alimony. However, when Alan discovers that Fred is a womanizer, Alan reconsiders his plans.

These two stories feel very familiar. They’re the type of stories that we’ve seen on many episodes of The Love Boat. They’re saved a bit because of the comedic skills of Fred Willard and Betty White but, in the end, they’re definitely on the silly side of the cruise.

But then you get the third story, which is not silly at all. Laura (Rue McClanahan) boards the ship with her husband, George (Dick Van Patten). Laura is an old friend of Captain Stubing’s and he’s alarmed when he sees that Laura has a black eye. Laura says she simply walked into a door. George laughs and says that Laura is a klutz.

Actually, Laura is being abused by her husband. George’s business is failing. George is jealous of Captain Stubing. George hits Laura in their cabin and it’s a shocking moment because 1) this is The Love Boat and 2) it actually looks like that Van Patten may have accidentally hit McClanahan for real. (Van Patten briefly breaks character, looking shocked, before quickly turning back into the angry George.) Stubing realizes what’s happening and confronts George. By the end of the episode, George is promising to “get some help” but it’s significant that Laura doesn’t leave the ship with him. One gets the feeling that she’s heard that promise before.

At first, it seems strange to have such an serious storyline playing out in-between scenes of Carol Channing and Betty White singing and Fred Willard leering at every woman on the boat but it actually works surprisingly well. The show makes an important point. Even on a fun cruise, abuse can happen. Abuse doesn’t take a vacation. And abusers can be the people you least suspect, like perennial nice guy Dick Van Patten. I have a lot of respect for this episode for dealing with a serious subject and doing it well.

This was an important cruise.

Retro Television Review: Fantasy Island 7.9 “Fantasy Island Girl/Saturday’s Child”

Posted on September 9, 2025 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1984. Unfortunately, the show has been removed from most streaming sites. Fortunately, I’ve got nearly every episode on my DVR.

This week, we have two fantasies that seem very familiar.

Episode 7.9 “Fantasy Island Girl/Saturday’s Child”

(Dir by Leslie H. Martinson, originally aired on December 10th, 1983)

Actress Marion Sommers (Stella Stevens) comes to the Island. Lawrence is a huge fan and can’t imagine what fantasy she could possibly have. Roarke explains that Marion wants to be reunited with her children. The twist is that her children don’t know that Marion is their mother. They think that their mother died and that they were adopted by Fran Woods (Diane Baker).

Marion is told that, because of the way she phrased her fantasy, she’ll get to meet her children on the island but she can’t tell them that she’s their mother. The children have spent the last few years with Ms. Woods as their mother. Marion agrees but she doesn’t keep her word and, by the end of her fantasy, she’s told both Bill (David Kaufman) and Ellie (Amy Linker) that she is their mother and that she wants them to come with her. Bill and Ellie reject her, saying that Ms. Woods will always be their mother. However, they would like it if Marion would be their friend.

Lawrence asks Marion to give him her autograph so he can give it to his niece. Then, after Marion leaves, Lawrence tells Roarke that he doesn’t have a niece….

This fantasy seemed awfully familiar. I don’t really have the time to go back and reread every Fantasy Island review that I’ve written but I’m pretty sure that this show has already gone to the “I’m a famous actress who wants to meet the children that I gave up” well more than a few times. In this case, it just felt like everyone was going through the motions.

As for the other fantasy, it involved the Fantasy Island Girl Beauty Pageant and, again, I’m pretty sure I’ve seen several versions of this pageant fantasy in the past. This time, it’s the pageant’s producer, Nick Gleason (Paul Burke), who has a fantasy. It seems that Nick has a reputation for fixing his pageants so his fantasy is to run a totally “clean” and honest pageant. It seems like he could have just done that on his own without even having to go to Fantasy Island. Since when have fantasies become about doing things that most people would just do naturally?

Nick’s daughter, Tina (Audrey Landers), enters the pageant and suddenly, Nick finds himself tempted to fix the pageant for her. When Roarke explains this to Tina, Tina withdraws from the pageant and Nick doesn’t fix the pageant. Nick is so happy that he finally put on a honest pageant but the only reason he didn’t fix the pageant was because Tina dropped out. If she hadn’t dropped out, he totally would have rigged it. So, I’m not really sure that Nick has anything to brag about. It’s kind of like bragging about not robbing a bank because it was closed on Sunday.

Lawrence is appointed as one of the judges for the beauty pageant. You know who really enjoyed beauty pageants? Tattoo. This would have been a fun fantasy for Tattoo. Instead, we just get Lawrence looking all huffy and puffy.

The trip to the Island was no fantasy.