Retro Television Review: Pigs vs. Freaks (dir by Dick Lowry)

Posted on February 11, 2024 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay. Today’s film is 1984’s Pigs vs. Freaks! It can be viewed on YouTube.

In the late 1960s, a small town is divided between the conservative older generation and their rebellious hippie children. Former high school football star Doug Zimmer (Patrick Swayze) has just returned from fighting in Vietnam and, unlike many of his former classmates, he is firmly on the side of the establishment. He wears his hair short. He has a job as a cop. He tries to keep his younger sister, Janice (Penny Peyser), from hanging out with hippies like his former best friend, Neal (Grant Goodeve).

Neal is also the son of the local police chief, Frank Brockmeyer (Eugene Roche). Though Frank and Neal have different political beliefs and Frank is always telling Neal to get a haircut, they still have a respectful relationship. When Neal complains that cops like Doug and his partner, Sgt. Cheever (Brian Dennehy), are always harassing the hippies who want to play football in park, Frank suggests a football game between the hippies and the police. When Neal agrees, the game becomes known as “Pigs vs. Freaks.”

While Frank coaches the Pigs and signs a few former athlete as police reservists, Neal recruits his former little league coach, a bearded guru who now goes by the name of Rambaba Organimus (Tony Randall) to serve as the Freak’s coach. He also places a call to a former football star named Mickey South (Adam Baldwin) and talks him into coming down from Canada to play in the game. Of course, Mickey is wanted by the FBI for dodging the draft so it might not seem like a great idea for him to risk federal prison for an exhibition football game but no matter! Who cares that there are now two federal agents watching the Freaks practice? There’s a game to be won!

Pigs vs. Freaks is an amiable mix of comedy and drama. Some of the comedy, like Tony Randall’s bearded guru and Stephen Furst’s perpetually frantic hippie linebacker, is a bit too broad but there’s enough moments of dramatic insight that it’s easy to overlook those flaws. I appreciated the fact that both the Freaks and the Pigs are treated fairly, with both sides getting a chance to make a case for themselves. When they first appear and start harassing the hippies for playing football in the park, it’s easy to dismiss both Doug and Cheever as fascists but a later scene, which is very well-played by both Brian Dennehy and Patrick Swayze, establishes them as just being two men who are confused by the direction of the world. Swayze, in particular, gives a strong performance that reveals the vulnerability underneath Doug’s tough exterior. As for the hippies, Mickey South is no self-righteous crusader but instead someone who feels the Vietnam War is wrong but who is also someone who both misses and loves his home country. Adam Baldwin does a wonderful playing him and is well-matched with Grant Goodeve, who plays the most reasonable hippie that one could hope to meet.

It’s a likable film and well-intentioned, a portrait of two opposing groups brought together by the love of one game. Some will cheer for the Pigs. Some will cheer for the Freaks. I cheered for both.

Retro Television Reviews: Fantasy Island 3.2 “Goose For The Gander/Stuntman”

Posted on June 20, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing the original Fantasy Island, which ran on ABC from 1977 to 1986. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!

This week, Tattoo is nice and Mr. Roarke is understandably suspicious.

Episode 3.2 “Goose For The Gander/Stuntman”

(Dir by Cliff Bole, originally aired on September 14th, 1979)

This episode opens with Tattoo being very nice and polite to Mr. Roarke and asking if there is anything that he can do to help Roarke as they head out to meet the plane. It says a lot about how much Roarke hates his assistant that Roarke’s immediate reaction is to suspect that Tattoo has done something wrong and is trying to escape being punished as a result. By the end of the episode, Roarke learns that Tattoo is freaking out because Tattoo saw a classified ad announcing that Roarke was looking for a new “assistant manager,” and Tattoo feared he was going to be fired. Mr. Roarke has a good laugh over that. Roarke enjoys anything that makes Tattoo’s life miserable.

As for the fantasies, this is another week where we get one silly fantasy and one serious fantasy.

The silly fantasy involves Marjorie Gibbs (Doris Roberts), who owns a truck stop in Arizona. A new highway is being put in and all of Marjorie is going to have to relocate her diner. Unfortunately, that is going to cost money that Marjorie does not have. All of Marjorie’s customers tipped in and raised enough money to send Marjorie to Fantasy Island so that she can compete in a cooking contest and win a huge cash prize.

Can Marjorie win the contest? It’s not going to be easy, as one of her competitors is a sneaky French chef (Vito Scotti) and the judge (Hans Conried) is one of those food snobs. Fortunately, Marjorie strikes up a friendship with another diner owner, Joe Lange (Abe Vigoda). Joe supports Marjorie and helps her to win, even after the French chef steals one of Marjorie’s recipes! They also fall in love and save a goose from becoming a meal. Awwwwww! This was a silly but sweet fantasy. Doris Roberts and Abe Vigoda made for a good comedic team.

As for the serious fantasy, it’s all about stunts. Retired stuntman Peter Rawlings (Dale Robertson) comes to the island with his wife, Norma (Dana Wynter). Norma thinks this is just a normal vacation but Peter actually wants to come to the island because his son, Bill (Grant Goodeve), is the stunt coordination for a film that is shooting there. Bill has lived his whole life in his father’s shadow and Peter fears that Bill’s desire to pull off the biggest stunt of all time will lead to his death. Peter also discovers that Bill’s insecurity has led to him becoming a tyrant on the set. In fact, as soon as Peter shows up, Bill is fired and Peter is named the new stunt coordinator. Can father and son set aside their differences and pull off a truly spectacular stunt?

Of course they can. This is Fantasy Island.

This was one of those episodes that pretty much succeeded on the charm of the cast alone. Neither one of the fantasies was particularly interesting. We were told that Marjorie and Joe’s food was the best but, since we couldn’t taste it, we had no way of knowing for sure. And the big stunt really didn’t look all that special. But Doris Roberts, Dale Robertson, and Abe Vigoda all gave charming performances so, in the end, I was happy everything worked out.

Next week: Tattoo gets a fantasy! Roarke better watch out!

Retro Television Reviews: The Love Boat 2.4 “The Man Who Loved Women / A Different Girl / Oh, My Aching Brother”

Posted on March 8, 2023 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

Come aboard!

Episode 2.4 “The Man Who Loved Women / A Different Girl / Oh, My Aching Brother”

(Dir by Allen Baron, originally aired on September 30th, 1978)

This week’s cruise is all about deception …. and love!

For instance, Joe (Marty Ingels) and Harold Nash (Sonny Bono) are two brothers who thrive on deception. Harold specializes in pretending to get injured. Joe specializes in threatening to sue until the brothers get paid off. Apparently, it’s a scheme that works well for them, though Joe seems to be a lot more enthusiastic about it than Harold. In fact, Harold seems to be a nice guy who mostly just wants to enjoy the cruise and flirt with another passenger, Rita (Judy Landers). Still, Joe insists that Harold pretend to hurt his back so Harold takes a dramatic fall on the shuffleboard course.

Of course, the crew can spot a fake injury from miles away. For once, Doc Bricker actually does his job and announces that, despite all of his yelling and groaning, there does not appear to be anything wrong with Harold’s back. Still, if Harold goes through the entire cruise without walking, the Pacific Princess will probably pay a settlement. Joe’s happy about that. Harold’s unhappy because he wants to get up and walk over to Rita’s cabin. In the end, it is Harold’s love for Rita that defeats the scheme. When he sees Rita actually trip and take a fall, Harold can’t stop himself from jumping out of his wheelchair to help her. Awwwwwww!

This storyline was dumb but kind of sweet. Sonny Bono was not a particularly good actor but there was something rather genuine about his chemistry with Judy Landers.

Meanwhile, the Captain Stubing’s godson, Dave Stanton (Grant Goodeve), is taking the cruise with his wife, Laura (Bess Armstrong). Though they’ve been married for two years, they are only now getting to take their honeymoon. (Dave was in the army and Laura was caring for her terminally ill mother.) During the trip, they discover that they’ve both changed over the past two years. Laura’s more independent now. Plus, she had an affair while Dave was gone. Dave gets pretty upset but Captain Stubing asks Dave if he can really say that he’s never cheated on Laura. Dave admits that he cheated on her too. Now that they know that they’re both cheaters, Dave and Laura’s marriage is strong than ever!

This storyline was defeated by the fact that neither Dave nor Laura were particularly sympathetic characters. At one point, Dave actually says that his cheating was different from Laura’s cheating because he’s a guy and she’s a woman. AGCK! Probably the most interesting part of this story is that it gave Stubing a chance to talk about why his own marriage fell apart. This show has often hinted that there is a lot of darkness and trauma in Stubing’s past and Gavin MacLeod always brings a lot of sincerity to the scenes where the captain admits that he has regrets.

Finally, Charlotte (Cathryn Damon), Bonnie (Jo Ann Pflug), and Anita (Brett Sommers) are three divorcees who take the cruise together. All three of them end up meeting a man. Charlotte meets a man named Alvin, who she decides to call him by his middle name, “Cornelius.” Bonnie meets a man who she calls Vinny. Anita meets a man who she calls by his last name, “McNair.” What they don’t know is that all of them have met the same man, Alvin Cornelius McNair (David Doyle). Alvin goes out with all three of the women but he starts to feel guilty when he realizes that they’re all cabinmates. However, Charlotte, Bonnie, and Anita tell him that it doesn’t matter to them because Alvin was always honest with them and didn’t try to manipulate any of them. Awwwww! I liked this story. Damon, Pflug, and Sommers were believable as old friends and Doyle was likable as Alvin.

This was actually a pretty enjoyable episode. It may not have been perfect but it was a pleasant trip.

TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Part 15 (dir by David Lynch)

Posted on August 27, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Why am I posting this review so late? Check out my previous Twin Peaks post for the explanation.

I have to admit that I’m kind of kicking myself for taking so long to watch Part 15 of Twin Peaks. This was one of the best episodes of the revival. It was a deeply intriguing episode, mixing moments of soaring romance with haunting creepiness. In short, this episode was David Lynch and Twin Peaks at their considerable best. Because I’m pressed for time and I need to get this written and posted before Part 16 premieres later tonight, I don’t know if I’ll be able to do full justice to how wonderful this episode was. I’ll try, though. Be sure to check out Ryan’s thoughts on Part 15, as well.

Things begin, as they so often do, with a one-eyed woman and a shovel…

Nadine Hurley (Wendy Robie) walks through Twin Peaks, carrying her golden shovel with her. She stops at Big Ed’s Gas Farm and tells Big Ed (Everett McGill) that she’s changed. She says that she loves Ed but she knows that she’s been a “selfish bitch” and that Ed has “been a saint.” Nadine explains that she’s using her shovel to “dig” herself “out of the shit” and tells Big Ed that she wants him to be with Norma. “True love,” Nadine says, “is about giving others what they need to be happy.”

What follows is Lynch at his most deliriously romantic. Ed drives to the Double R and tells Norma (Peggy Lipton) that he loves her and he wants to marry her. However, Norma is busy conducting one of her corner booth business meetings with Walter (Grant Goodeve). She not only allows Walter to buy her out but she also dumps him. “Family reasons,” she explains before kissing Ed. A song about love plays in the background. The wind blows through the trees. The sun shines through the clouds above. Briefly, all is right with the world of Twin Peaks…

…so, of course, the very next scene is the Doppelganger (Kyle MacLachlan) driving down a dark road. Of course, the Doppelganger is always bad news but, for whatever reason, driving always seems to put him in an even worse mood than usual.

The Doppelganger pulls up at the gas station that, way back in Part 8, we saw taken over by the Woodsmen. (The music playing in the background is “Threnody for the Victims of Hiroshima.”) With electricity crackling all around, the Doppelganger enters the gas station, approaches a woodsman, and says that he is looking for Philip Jeffries. The Doppelganger is led to a dark room that is occupied by a strange metal device. Jeffries’s Southern-accented voice emanates from the device.

Considering the amount of time that these two have apparently spent trying to kill each other, it’s actually a relatively polite conversation. I have to admit that it caught me off guard seeing the Doppelganger asking questions for once. I always assumed the Doppelganger knew everything. (As the Doppelganger and Jeffries talk, Lynch inserts a flashback of David Bowie from Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me.) When the Doppelganger asks if Jeffries was the one who called him, Jeffries replies that he does not have the Doppelganger’s number. Jeffries says that he and the Doppelganger used to talk regularly.

“You are Cooper?” Jeffries asks.

“Why didn’t you want to talk about Judy?” the Doppelganger asks, “Who is Judy? What does Judy want from me?”

Jeffries tells the Doppelganger to ask her himself.

Suddenly, a phone rings. The Doppelganger sees an old landline phone in the corner of the room. When the Doppelganger answers, this is a loud surge of static and the Doppelganger suddenly finds himself outside the gas station…

And there’s Richard Horne (Eamon Farren), holding a gun on him and saying that he recognized the Doppelganger from a picture that his mother (who we all know is Audrey) used to carry with her. “You’re FBI!” Richard announces. (He’s probably Richard’s father, as well.) The Doppelganger proceeds to rather easily kick Richard’s ass and then tells him to get in the truck. “We’ll talk on the way,” the Doppelganger explains.

As they drive away, the gas station vanishes.

In the woods around Twin Peaks, Steve (Caleb Landry Jones) and Gersten Hayward (Alicia Witt) are freaking out. Steven has a gun and keeps saying that he did it. “You didn’t do anything!” Gersten says, “you were fucking stoned! What did she give you!?” Steven loads the gun and, as Gersten begs him to stop, he says that he’s going to end it. Steven starts to talk about how much he loves fucking Gersten when suddenly, a guy walking his dog wanders by. Gersten runs and hides behind a tree. Off screen, there is a gunshot. (This short but intense scene features some amazing acting from both Alicia Witt and Caleb Landry Jones.)

At the trailer park, Carl (Harry Dean Stanton) meets with the man who was walking his dog. We see the man point at Steve and Becky’s trailer.

That night, at the Roadhouse, the very excited Emcee (J.R. Starr, who is quickly becoming one of my favorite minor characters) announces that they will be playing “one of our favorites — Sharp Dressed Man by ZZ Top!” He even has a cardboard volume meter to show how excited he is over the song. The Emcee starts to dance along to the song. He’s so adorable!

What’s less adorable is what happens when James (James Marshall) and Freddie (Jake Wardle) are attacked by Chuck (Rod Rowland), who is Renee’s husband. Freddie, who is wearing his power glove, knocks Chuck unconscious with one punch.

In Las Vegas, Agent Wilson (Owen Rhys-Davies) tells Agent Headley (Jay R. Ferguson) that he’s brought in another Douglas Jones for interrogation. Apparently, Wilson and Headley are just tracking down everyone named Douglas Jones who lives in Vegas. However, as quickly becomes apparent when Headley goes down to the interrogation room, they have yet to track down our Dougie Jones.

Elsewhere in Vegas, Chantal (Jennifer Jason Leigh) assassinates both Duncan Todd (Patrick Fischler) and Roger (Joe Adler). Afterwards, she and Hutch (Tim Roth) eat out in their car and casually discuss the pros and cons of torture.

Back in Twin Peaks, both James and Freddie are led to a jail cell. Interestingly, the last time we saw James arrested was in the Pilot. James was put in a cell with Bobby Briggs (Dana Ashbrook). This time, it’s Bobby leading James to the cell.

Back in Vegas, our Dougie (Kyle MacLachlan) eats a piece of cake and watches Sunset Boulevard on television. When he hears Cecil B. DeMille mention the name “Gordon Cole,” Dougie responds by crawling across the floor and sticking his fork into an electrical socket.

(It’s interesting to note that, in the scene from Sunset Boulevard, DeMille and Gloria Swanson — in the role of Norma Desmond — were talking about getting everyone back together again and making another picture, despite the fact that Hollywood had changed quite a bit since Desmond’s heyday. In many ways, that’s exactly what David Lynch is doing with Twin Peaks: The Return.)

In Twin Peaks, The Log Lady (Catherine E. Coulson) calls Hawk (Michael Horse) one last time and tells him that she is dying. “You know about death,” she says, “that it’s just a change. Not an end. It’s time. There’s some fear, some fear in letting go. Remember what I told you. I can’t say more over the phone. But you know what I mean, for our talks, when we were able to speak face to face. Watch for that one, the one I told you about, the one under the moon on Blue Pine Mountain. Hawk, my log is turning gold. The wind is moaning. I’m dying. Goodnight, Hawk.”

“Goodnight, Margaret,” Hawk replies, “Goodbye, Margaret.”

Later, Hawk tells Andy (Harry Goaz), Lucy (Kimmy Robertson), and Truman (Robert Forster) that “Margaret Lanterman passed away tonight.”

“The Log Lady’s dead?” Lucy replies, and there’s something so heart-breaking about the way Robertson delivers this line.

(It’s made even more heart-breaking by the fact that Coulson died shortly after filming her scenes for the revival. This episode is not only about the residents of Twin Peaks saying goodbye to Margaret Lanterman. It’s also about Lynch saying goodbye to his longtime friend, Catherine Coulson.)

Meanwhile, Charlie (Clark Middleton) and Audrey (Sherilyn Fenn) continue to argue about going to the Roadhouse to look for Billy. Audrey complains about the way that Charlie talks to her. Billy never talks to her like that.

“I am Charlie,” Charlie says, “and he is Billy.”

“Yes,” Audrey replies, “and I like Billy better.”

“Sensational,” Charlie replies.

They argue a bit more. Audrey eventually ends up pouncing on Charlie while screaming, “I hate you! Do you realize how much I fucking hate you!”

At the Roadhouse, the Veils sing a song about drugs. A woman, Ruby (Charlyne Yi), sits in a booth. When two men tell her to move, she replies that she’s waiting someone. The men literally lift her out of the booth and drop her on the floor. Ruby crawls across the dance floor and screams.

The end credits role over an image of that gas station siting in the middle of nowhere. “Dedicated to Margaret Lanterman” the final credit reads.

Margaret Lanterman (a.k.a. The Log Lady)

Only three more episodes (and, because the final two are being shown on the same night, only two weeks) left! That makes me sad. I’m going to miss Twin Peaks.

Twin Peaks on TSL:

24 Initial Thoughts About Twin Peaks The Return Part 15 (dir by David Lynch)

Posted on August 27, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Obviously, I’m running very far behind when it comes to watching and reviewing Part 15 of Twin Peaks: The Return. Erin and I spent last weekend up at Lake Texoma so I set the DVR to record Part 15 so that I could watch it once we returned. However, this has been the craziest week and, as ashamed as I am to admit it, I just didn’t get a chance to sit down and watch Part 15 until around four this morning.

So, forgive the lateness of this review. Fortunately, the Trashfilm Guru watched and reviewed Part 15 when it aired and you can read his review by clicking here. As for me, despite being a week late with this review, I’m going to follow my usual format. I’m going to post the initial thoughts that I had while watching the latest episode for the first time and then I’m going to rewatch Part 15 and write out a full recap sometime later today (hopefully, before Part 16 airs later tonight on Showtime!).

As I watched the opening credits, I found myself thinking about the fact that, not counting this one, there’s only three episodes left. I no longer worry about whether or not the show’s “story” is going to reach any sort of resolution. That’s really not what Twin Peaks is about.
Do you think Nadine just carries that shovel with her everywhere?
Admit it. At least once in your life, you’ve wished that you had a golden shovel that you could use to dig your way out of the shit.
Oh my God, this scene between Norma and Big Ed…so beautifully performed and directed.
And then to go from the grand romanticism of Norma and Ed to the nihilistic hatred that is symbolized by the Doppelganger. It’s quite a contrast. The brilliance of Lynch can be found in his ability to create a world where both romance and evil feel absolutely natural.
The scene where the Doppelganger talks to Jeffries is exceptionally creepy, even by the standards of Twin Peaks.
Oh fuck you, Richard Horne. You couldn’t even intimidate Red. What the Hell do you think you’re going to be able to do against the Doppelganger?
Of course, I think we’ve all pretty much figured out that the Doppelganger is Richard’s father.
C’mon, Gersten! You can do better than Steven!
As I listened to Steven blame everything on being stoned, I wondered if he was buying his weed from Jerry Horne.
I don’t know if David Lynch is planning on ever doing another television series after this (probably not) but if he does, might I suggest a show where Carl Rodd travels across America and gets involved in the lives of random strangers?
Am I the only one fascinated by J.R. Starr’s performance as the Roadhouse’s emcee?
I guess that takes care of Duncan Todd. Too bad about Roger.
James is in jail with a bunch of people making weird noises. Some things never change.
Sunset Boulevard!
It was nice of this episode to acknowledge that the name Gordon Cole was taken from Sunset Boulevard. The original series also featured an insurance agent named Walter Neff.
Agck! Did Dougie just electrocute himself?
This final scene between Hawk and the Log Lady is heartbreaking, both because the Log Lady was such an iconic character (for many people, she was the ultimate symbol of the show’s sensibility) and that Catherine E. Coulson herself passed away shortly after filming her scenes. Coulson worked on Lynch’s very first film, Eraserhead. She was also once married to Jack Nance, who played Pete Martell on the first two seasons of Twin Peaks.
It’s said that, during the making of Eraserhead, Lynch looked at Coulson and told her that he had just had a vision of her holding a log and that someday, he would write a role for her where she would do just that. That’s an apocryphal story that I hope is true.
Kimmy Robertson’s delivery of the line: “The Log Lady’s dead?” was one of the best moments of the entire season.
Am I the only one who wants Cooper to get back to normal so that he can go to Twin Peaks and beat up Charlie?
Tonight’s musical guest: The Veils. The Roadhouse gets all the best performers.
Oh my God, the screaming! When that woman started screaming, our cat jumped off the couch and went ran from the room.
Okay. time to get an hour or two of sleep and then I’ll be back to rewatch Part 15 and post a full recap.

Twin Peaks on TSL:

TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Part 13 (dir by David Lynch)

Posted on August 6, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

There are only five hours left in Twin Peaks: The Return and yet, there are still many mysteries to be resolved. Considering that this is a David Lynch production, it’s entirely possible and probably rather probable that a good deal of those mysteries will never be resolved.

That said, all of the disparate elements of Twin Peaks: The Return have slowly been coming together, providing evidence — if any was needed — that Lynch knows exactly what he’s doing. In some ways, tonight’s episode was Twin Peaks at its most straightforward. And yet, nothing can ever be totally straight forward when it comes to Twin Peaks.

We wouldn’t want it any other way.

Tonight’s episode begins with joyful music playing in Las Vegas. As Anthony Sinclair (Tom Sizemore) watches from his office, the Mitchum Brothers (James Belushi and Robert Knepper) dance down the hallways. The three ladies in pink are with them. And so is … Dougie Jones (Kyle MacLachlan), the man who Anthony was supposed to trick the Mitchums into killing!

The Mitchums have come to see Bushnell Mullins (Don Murray) and they’ve brought him gifts, all to thank him for introducing them to Dougie and for helping them to make money off of that insurance claim. “A wrong has been made right and the sun is shining bright!” Bradley Mitchum declares.

Meanwhile, in his office, Anthony calls Duncan Todd (Patrick Fischler) and tells him that Dougie is still alive. Todd replies that it’s now Anthony’s responsibility to kill Dougie and he only had one day to do it, not the two days that he promised earlier.

The generosity of the Mitchums continues as both a new car and a jungle gym are delivered to Dougie’s house. It’s quite a jungle gym as well. It’s big, it’s lit up with neon, and everything about it just screams Vegas. Sonny Jim (Pierce Gagnon) is quite happy. So is Janey-E (Naomi Watts), which is good. They deserve some happiness.

The next morning, in Montana, the evil Doppelganger Cooper arrives at a compound called The Farm. Ray (George Griffith) has been hiding out at the Farm with Renzo (Derek Mears) and his men. When they see the Doppelganger pull up, Ray comments that he killed the Doppelganger. “You didn’t kill him too good, Ray,” Renzo replies.

Anyway, Ray volunteers to kill the Doppelganger a second time but it turns out that Renzo is something of an arm wrestling fanatic. Renzo explains that if the Doppelganger can beat him, he’ll get control of the Farm and Renzo’s entire crew. The only catch is that Renzo has never been defeated. The Doppelganger says he doesn’t want the farm, he just wants Ray.

Over The Top

The arm wrestling goes about how you would imagine it would go — Renzo ends up getting his arm broken and then his face literally smashed in by one punch from the Doppelganger. As for Ray, he confesses that it was Phillip Jeffries who hired him to kill the Doppelganger. Ray explains that he never met Jeffries, he just talked to him on the phone. Jeffries told Ray that the Doppelganger had something inside of him that “they” wanted. (Killer BOB, perhaps? BOB was seen directly inside of the Doppelganger during Part 8.) Ray holds up a ring that he was supposed to put on the Doppelganger’s finger. Ray says that he got it from a prison guard right before they escaped. The Doppelganger makes Ray put on the ring. Ray then gives the Doppelganger a piece of paper with the coordinates that he says he got from Bill Hastings and his secretary (that would be Ruth Davenport). The Doppelganger asks Ray where Phillip Jeffries is. Ray says Philip is at a place called “The Dutchman’s.” The Doppelganger proceeds to shoot Ray in the face.

And guess whose watching all of this unfold? Richard Horne (Eamon Farren)! Apparently, ever since fleeing Twin Peaks, Richard has been hiding out in Montana. So, does that mean that the Farm and the late Renzo had a connection to Red? If so, how is Red going to react to the Doppelganger killing Renzo and becoming The Farm’s new boss? And does Richard looked so shocked because he never thought anyone would ever beat Renzo at arm wrestling (not to mention kill him) or is it because he realizes that the Doppelganger is probably his father?

Ray’s body appears inside the Black Lodge. MIKE (Al Strobel) takes the ring and puts it on a marble table.

Back at the Las Vegas Metropolitan Police HQ, something weird’s going on in the background. We can hear a woman yelling as she apparently defecates on the floor. She’s tased and screams, “I want to report a cop!” Sitting in their office, the Fuscos aren’t too concerned. It doesn’t even bother them when they receive a report that Dougie has the same fingerprints as both an escapee from a South Dakota prison and a missing FBI agent. They laugh and throw the report away.

They barely notice as Anthony Sinclair wanders through the station, looking for Detective Clark (John Savage). Clark is outside smoking a cigarette and he doesn’t appear to be very enthusiastic about the prospect of talking to Anthony. Anthony asks Clark for the name of a good poison, one that would be undetectable. Apparently, Clark also works for Duncan Todd. Clark agrees to help Anthony get the poison.

In South Dakota, Chantal (Jennifer Jason Leigh) and Hutch (Tim Roth) drive down the interstate and, as they enter Utah, discuss what it must be like to be a Mormon.

The next morning, after Janey-E drops him off at work, Dougie runs into Anthony. A nervous Anthony offers to buy Dougie a cup of coffee at the pastry shop. Since Dougie is obsessed with coffee, he agrees. When Dougie gets distracted by a cheery pie in a display case and stands up to go stare at it, Anthony puts the poison in Dougie’s coffee.

When Dougie returns to the table, he is distracted by the dandruff on the back of Anthony’s suit. Dougie places his hands on Anthony shoulders. Mistaking this for a sign of friendship, Anthony breaks down into tears and shouts that he never meant to hurt anyone. He pours out Dougie’s poisoned coffee. Dougie responds by drinking Anthony’s coffee instead.

In Twin Peaks, at the Double R, Shelley (Madchen Amick) gets a call from Becky (Amanda Seyfried). Becky’s in tears. Steven, the man she tried to shoot, hasn’t come home in two days.

Back in Vegas, Anthony sits in Bushnell’s office and says that he’s come to confess. Standing to the side, Dougie blankly repeats, “Confess.” Anthony confesses to Bushnell that he’s been working for Duncan Todd and that he’s been lying to Bushnell for years. Bushnell says that Dougie revealed all of this to him yesterday. Bushnell asks if Anthony is prepared to testify against Duncan Todd. Anthony says that he is.

Bushnell asks if Anthony is willing to testify “against the two cops that Dougie found.”

“He know about them too!?” Anthony says.

“Them too,” Dougie blankly repeats.

Anthony says he only wants to fix the mess that he made. He says that Dougie saved his like. “Thanks, Dougie!”

“Thank Dougie,” Dougie says.

In tears, Anthony does just that.

At the Double R, Norma (Peggy Lipton) has a meeting with the somewhat oily Walter Lawford (Grant Goodeve). Apparently, Norma’s Double R is a franchise now. Walter says that there are several profitable locations in Washington State but Norma is concerned that those locations are using inferior ingredients. Walter argues that it makes good business sense to cut costs. This entire scene, of course, feels like Lynch’s commentary on the studio executives who constantly tried to interfere with Twin Peaks the first time around.

Norma and Walter are apparently a couple, as well. As they talk, they are watched by both Deputy Bobby Briggs (Dana Ashbrook) and Big Ed Hurley (Everett McGill), Norma’s former (?) lover and the husband of Nadine (Wendy Robie).

Speaking of Nadine, she is leaving her silent drape store when who should show up but Dr. Jacoby (Russ Tamblyn)! As we’ve already seen, Nadine is a huge fan of Jacoby’s podcast. She even has her own golden shovel hanging in the window of her store. Dr. Jacoby says that the last time he saw Nadine, she was on her hands and knees, looking for a potato.

At the Palmer House, Sarah (Grace Zabrikie) is drunk and watching a boxing match. Or, actually, I should say that she’s watching 30 second of a boxing match on a continious loop. The announcer says, several times: “Oh the right hand catches the big guy by the ear! And he finally goes down, hanging on the ropes. Oh, the gentleman asks if he’s okay. Look like, uh, round number one and two on the way. Now, it’s a boxing match again.”

Elsewhere, Audrey (Sherilyn Fenn) yells at Charlie (Clark Middleton). An emotional Audrey says that she feels like she’s somewhere else, like she’s not sure who she is. Charlie says, “This is Existentialism 101.” Audrey’s not amused and demands to know what she’s supposed to do if she can’t trust anyone and she’s not sure who she is. Charlie replies that she’s supposed to go to the Roadhouse and look for Billy. Audrey demands to know where the Roadhouse is.

“Are you going to stop playing games?” Charlie asks, “or am I going to have to end your story, too?”

Audrey starts to cry.

At the Roadhouse, none other than James Hurley (James Marshall) performs the song You and I. Accompanying him are two backup singers who look like they could be Donna and Maddy. Considering that the scene during the second season, in which James, Donna, and Maddy performed You And I, is regularly ridiculed by even the show’s biggest fans, you have to wonder if David Lynch is doing some deliberate trolling here. Well, it does’t matter. It’s a lovely song, one that perfectly captures the aching feeling of loss that runs through every minute of Twin Peaks: The Return.

At the gas station, Big Ed Hurley sits alone, staring at his gas pumps.

And that’s how Part 13 ends.