Hi there and welcome to October! This is our favorite time of the year here at the Shattered Lens because October is our annual horrorthon! For the past several years (seriously, we’ve been doing this for a while), we have celebrated every October by reviewing and showing some of our favorite horror movies, shows, books, and music. That’s a tradition that I’m looking forward to helping to continue this year.
This year, we’re getting things started with a movie that has been called “the first American horror film.” In 1914, D.W. Griffith released The Avenging Conscience, a melodrama that was based on Edgar Allan Poe’s The Tell-Tale Heart and Annabel Lee. In this film, The Nephew (Henry B. Walthall) falls in love with the Sweetheart (Blanche Sweet). However, the Uncle (Spottiswoode Aiken) is opposed to the relationship, mostly because the Sweetheart is a “common” woman. Despite having been raised by the Uncle, the Nephew snaps and murders him. The Nephew then finds himself tortured not just by his own guilt and fear but also by vivid hallucinations. This is a film that invites us to come for the murder and stay for the reminder that “Thou Shalt Not Kill.”
Like a lot of the films of the silent era, it will require a bit of patience on the part of modern viewers. It takes a while to get going but the surreal imagery and Henry B. Walthall’s increasingly unhinged performance make it worth sticking with. If nothing else, the film’s historical significance makes it one worthy to be seen by all serious horror fans.
What’s an Insomnia File? You know how some times you just can’t get any sleep and, at about three in the morning, you’ll find yourself watching whatever you can find on cable or streaming? This feature is all about those insomnia-inspired discoveries!
If you were having trouble getting to sleep last night, you could have logged onto Tubi and watched James Nguyen’s Replica.
Filmed in 2005 but not released until 2018, Replica tells the story of Joe Thomas (James David Braddock), a computer chip salesman who has been in a bit of a funk ever since he received a new kidney. His sales are down. His pet bird is mocking him by chirping loudly. His morning drive is boring. (We know this because, for some reason, the film shows us almost every mundane moment of that commute.) He’s in danger of losing his job but then, while hanging out at the Golden Gate Bridge, he happens to spot Dr. Evelyn Tyler (Lana Dykstra) jogging by. Evelyn is the same doctor who performed Joe’s kidney transplant! Joe strikes up a conversation with her and soon, they’re dating!
(In this movie, dating means eating at a San Francisco theme restaurant, riding a carousel, and running along the beach before heading back home so that Evelyn can model a bikini for a slack-jawed Joe.)
Life is perfect! Joe’s in love and he’s even managed to sell a gigantic amount of computer chips to Evelyn’s boss, Dr. G (Rick Camp)! But then Evelyn is killed as the result of a very slow car collision. Joe is in mourning. Detective Le (David Nguyen) keeps popping up and suggesting that the car accident that took Evelyn’s life may not have been an accident at all. (“We found semen in the body,” Detective Le earnestly says while speaking to Evelyn’s boyfriend.) But then, one day, Joe happens to spot a woman who looks just like Evelyn, except for the fact that she has dark hair and tramp stamp that identifies her as not being Evelyn. Quicker than you can say Vertigo, Joe is trying to get his new girlfriend to wear a blonde wig and dress just like Evelyn!
Director James Nguyen is best known for directing the Birdemic films. Replica was actually filmed long before Birdemic but it shows that, even early in his career, Nguyen had his own definite aesthetic. Everything that made Birdemic so memorable — the terrible sound quality, the pointless shots of people driving, the nonstop references to Hitchcock, the falling-in-love montages that suggest that Nguyen has never actually been on a date, and the suggestion that we’re supposed to take this film seriously — is present in Replica. If Birdemic claimed to actually be about the dangers of harming the environment, Replica claims to be a film about the ethics of cloning. While Birdemic featured the characters going out to see An Inconvenient Truth, Replica opens with Joe watching Christopher Reeve advocate for stem cell research. Reeve is listed in the film’s credits, even though it’s obvious that Nguyen just taped an appearance that he made on a talk show. Tippi Hedren and Kim Novak are also credited, even though both are only featured in archival footage that shows up on Joe’s television.
In typical Nguyen fashion, any attempt to say anything serious about cloning is negated by the fact that the film’s villain has invented something that he insists on calling “a clone-a-tron.” (That said, the actor playing Dr. G overacts to such an extent that it’s hard not to appreciate his effort to bring a little life to the movie.) The film comes out against cloning, despite the fact that Joe pretty much owes what little happiness he has to it. All in all, it’s a pretty stupid movie but it’s also short so there’s something to be said for that. In the end, for better or worse, this is a film that could have only been made by James Nguyen. If you got a good laugh out of Birdemic, prepare for more of the same with Replica.
Bleh! I have been sick this entire week! (And I don’t mean “sick” as in I had allergies or a headache. I mean I was seriously ill, with fevers and fatigue and everything else.) I haven’t even gotten to watch the Survivor and The Amazing Race premieres yet! Here’s a few thoughts on what I have watched:
All You Need Is Love (NightFlight Plus)
I watched an episode of this old music documentary series on Saturday morning. It dealt with ragtime music and the tragic life of Scott Joplin. It was interesting stuff. Joplin was a fascinating character and it’s a shame that his final years were not happier ones.
Bleh. I swore to myself that I would never watch this show again but I hate to admit but it does work well as background noise and watching it on YouTube does help me get my thoughts together. I do make a point of only watching YouTube videos that were not uploaded by the show’s official account. But basically, I’m a hypocrite.
Anyway, on Sunday, I watched (or, to be honest, listened) to an episode about a daughter that worried her mother was suffering from paranoid delusions that led her to believe that she was being stalked by a “hook-up” app.
On Monday, I watched an episode featuring an annoying guy named Anthony who claimed to be a millionaire rap star, despite the fact that he was homeless. Anthony was obnoxious and rude to both the audience and Dr. Phil. It’s always fun when someone tells Dr. Phil to go to Hell.
Gun (Tubi)
I watched the first episode of this Robert Altman-produced 90s anthology series on Thursday. Look for my review this upcoming week!
Hell’s Kitchen (Thursday Night, FOX)
Hell’s Kitchen, one of the few classic reality shows to still retain its bite, is back! The Quidditch player is definitely going to be a liability for the Blue Team but he’s so weird that I have a feeling that the show will find excuses to keep him around for at least a few weeks.
The Hitchhiker (YouTube)
I watched episodes of this anthology series throughout the week while preparing for Horrothon.
The Montel Williams Show (YouTube)
On Monday, I came across an episode of this show on YouTube. Montel tried to understand goth kids and was shocked to discover that being rude and condescending is never a good way to win over a teenager. It was good for a smile.
Night Flight (NightFlight Plus)
The episode that I watched on Friday night was all about animation in music videos. The videos were pretty trippy.
Police Woman (Monday Morning, GetTV)
Police woman Angie Dickinson went undercover as a flight attendant to catch a smuggler played by Larry Hagman. It was all very 70s.
Red Dwarf (Monday Morning, PBS)
I watched an episode of this British sci-fi satire on Monday morning. A robot was briefly transformed into a human being and struggled to adjust. The episode ended with the robot-turned-human once again being transformed and turning into a miniature version of Robocop. It was amusing, though I get the feeling I would have gotten a lot more out of the show if I was a regular viewer. As is, this was only my second time to watch an episode of Red Dwarf and I spent a lot of time trying to catch up with who everyone was and why they were in space.
Saved By The Bell (Sunday Morning, Me TV)
On Sunday morning, as I got ready for me day, I watched the episode where Lisa overspent on her credit card and was shocked when her father refused to punish her for being irresponsible. Seriously, if you can avoid getting punished for being stupid, don’t question it. Just go with the flow.
Yes, Prime Minister (Monday Morning, PBS)
This week’s episode featured one of the rare occurrences in which Prime Minister Hacker got the better of Sir Humphrey and I have to admit that, as much as I enjoy watched both this show and Yes, Minister, it just didn’t feel right. I know that the point of the episode was that Hacker is finally learning how to use the self-importance of the civil service against itself (i.e., by threatening to take away Sir Humphrey’s key to Number 10) but I like Hacker more when he acts like a well-meaning incompetent than a Machiavellian game player. By the end of last night’s episode, Sir Humphrey would probably agree.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Welcome Back Kotter, which ran on ABC from 1975 to 1979. The entire show is currently streaming on Tubi!
This week, Epstein smokes and the Sweathogs learn the true meaning of Christmas!
Episode 2.11 “Sweathog Clinic for the Cure of Smoking”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 16th, 1976)
Gabe tells Julie a joke about his uncle, a doctor who used to trick his patients into sticking their tongue out and staring out his office window as a way to anger the people on the other side of the street.
At school, Horshack is stunned to see Epstein lighting up a cigarette in the boys room. (Epstein hides his cigarettes in the paper towel dispenser.) Horshack says that he is shocked and he points out that smoking is against the school rules. (Since when do Sweathogs care about the school rules?) Epstein responds by blowing smoke in Horshack’s face. Then, Gabe and Woodman step into the restroom and Epstein desperately flushes his cigarette but not before everyone sees him exhaling a cloud of smoke.
Woodman takes Epstein to the office of the perpetually unseen Principal Lazarus. Woodman tells Gabe that he can’t wait to see how Epstein gets punished but it turns out that Epstein is the only person at the school who Lazarus likes. Disillusioned at the lack of punishment for Epstein, Woodman announces that he’s moving to Scarsdale and goes into his office. Epstein, meanwhile, promises both Gabe and Barbarino (who just happens to be in the front office for some reason) that he’ll quit smoking.
However, the next day, Gabe again catches Epstein in the boys room, smoking. Epstein confesses that he can’t quit smoking. Gabe tells a story about how, when he was 12, he was addicted to potato knishes. Gabe explains that his knish habit led him to moving onto harder junk food, like Twinkies. In order to break his habit, Gabe says he went cold turkey.
“Cold turkey!?” Epstein says.
“That’s right. For five days, I ate nothing but cold turkey!”
Gabe says that he and the Sweathogs will help Epstein break his smoking habit through aversion therapy.
“Oh yeah,” Barbarino nods, “Perversion therapy. We’ll torture Juan until he quits smoking.”
The next day, Gabe, Epstein, Woodman, and the Sweathogs gather in Gabe’s classroom to make Epstein “unlearn” smoking. After talking about his own struggle to quit smoking, Woodman leaves the classroom. It’s probably for the best because one can imagine how Woodman would have reacted to Juan smoking a cigarette while Barbarino and Freddie walked in place on a red carpet in an attempt to generate enough static electricity to shock Epstein every time that he took a puff.
When shock therapy proves ineffective (for some reason, Gabe is the one who keeps getting shocked), Horshack comes into the classroom, dressed like a doctor. While twirling his stethoscope, Horshack asks Epstein about his sex life because “I thought it would be fun to hear about.” Gabe suggests that Horshack not ask anyone about their sex life until “you get one yourself.” Freddie then says, “Hi, there,” and pretends to be someone who has been smoking for four years and can now only say a few words without coughing. Gabe then forces Epstein to smell a cup full of soggy cigarettes. They then force Epstein to smoke three cigarettes at once.
“Doesn’t taste so good, does it, Mr. Puff!?” Gabe shouts.
Epstein gives up cigarettes but, seven days later, he shows up at school with a pipe. Gabe says that he’s disappointed in Epstein but then Epstein points out that Gabe is eating a knish. Gabe agrees to give up knishes if Epstein gives up smoking. Epstein agrees and he and Gabe dramatically toss all of the tobacco and knishes into the trash. It turns out that Gabe had a knish hidden in every corner of the classroom.
Back at the apartment, a knish-free Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who was a famous frontiersman.
This episode worked because it centered not on a guest star or a gimmick but instead on the Sweathogs acting like their usual goofy selves. The second season has, so far, been a bit more uneven than the first but the chemistry between Robert Hegyes, Lawrence Hilton-Jacobs, Ron Pallilo, and John Travolta continues to be, along with John Sylvester White’s delightfully unhinged turn as Woodman, the show’s greatest strength.
Episode 2.12 “Hark, The Sweatking”
(Dir by Bob LaHendro, originally aired on December 23rd, 1976)
Gabe tells Julie about his uncle, who got drunk at the zoo. “They don’t sell liquor at the zoo,” Julie replies.
It’s Christmas in Brooklyn! Horshack is hoping that he’ll finally get a Marie Osmond doll from Santa. The other Sweathogs are more interested in Angie (Michael V. Gazzo, who played Frankie Pentangelli in The Godfather Part II), the homeless man who is hanging out in the school’s courtyard and who claims that he was once a corporate executive. Gabe reveals that Angie has been coming by the school ever since Gabe was a student at Buchanan himself. After Gabe hears the Sweathogs making fun of Angie, he decides to invite Angie to come speak to the class.
“What’s he going to teach us?” Epstein asks, “Advanced vagrancy?”
Before Angie can start his speech, Woodman steps in the room and refers to Angie as being “our Christmas hobo.” Gabe says that Woodman probably goes around from house-to-house on Christmas Eve and tells all the kids that there’s no Santa Claus.
“Someone has to do it,” Woodman says and, as always, John Sylvester White totally nails the line. One of the underrated joys of this show is watching Woodman go progressively more and more insane.
Angie finally tells his story, explaining that he was a butcher with a wife and a family but he gambled away all of his money. One night, coming home broke, Angie discovered that his wife and his kids had left. Wiping away the tears, Angie leaves the classroom.
Feeling guilty, the Sweathogs want to do something for Angie. Freddie suggests putting Angie on their “shop-lifting lists.” Horshack makes a slightly more legal suggestion, saying that they should pool the money that they were going to use to buy each other gifts and instead, do something for Angie.
What do they do for Angie? Barbarino gets him some fresh clothes. Freddie gives him a haircut while Epstein shaves his beard and mustache. And Gabe invites Angie to come to the Christmas party that Julie and he are throwing at the apartment.
The action cuts to the apartment, where Julie is complaining about having to spend Christmas Eve with Gabe’s students. Julie then gives Gabe the Hanukkah bush that she bought for the holidays while Gabe explains that he has nothing for Julie because he spent all of his money on Angie. Epstein, Freddie, Horshack, and Barbarino show up, complaining that they haven’t seen Angie since helping him out. On cue, Angie shows up at the apartment, once again dressed like he was when the Sweathogs first saw him in the courtyard. Angie thanks the Sweathogs for everything but says that, for now, he’s comfortable living on the streets. Angie leaves and the Sweathogs are angry that they spent all of their money on someone who doesn’t appreciate it. Gabe tells them that the important thing is that they tried to help another human being. And then he reveals that he has presents for all of the Sweathogs. Yay! Merry Christmas!
After everyone leaves and Julie has fallen asleep on the couch, Gabe spots Santa Claus sitting in the kitchen and tells him about his cousin Eileen, who was so skinny that she had to wear snow shoes in the shower.
“Ho ho ho!” Santa replies.
This was a sweet episode, featuring good performances from not just the regulars but also from Michael V. Gazzo. Gabe telling a joke to Santa was adorable and the perfect way to end the episode. I love Christmas shows!
“Oh, come on,” I said last week, “this is a perfectly fine film.”
I was saying that because I was watching the 1987 film, Karate Warriors, with a group of friends. They felt that it was a largely pointless film that didn’t really have much of a plot. I felt that it was an interesting piece of history, seeing as how it was an Italian rip-off of The Karate Kid that was made by several associates of Lucio Fulci. And while Fulci himself wasn’t involved with the film, the scene where the lead character, young Anthony Scott (Kim Rossi Stuart), is savagely beaten up with the bad guys is so unnecessarily bloody that it feels like an homage to Fulci if nothing else. The scene, which makes this rip-off of The Karate Kid too graphic for the film’s target audience, really does epitomize everything that made the Italian exploitation industry so memorable.
Teenager Anthony Scott is in the Philippines so he can visit his father (Jared Martin, who starred in Fulci’s Warriors of the Year 2072), a journalist who is apparently in semi-hiding because of a series of articles that he wrote that exposed government corruption. (Don’t worry too much about the father’s backstory because it doesn’t really play any sort of role in the film.) Anthony runs afoul of the local teenage crime lord, Quino (Enrico Torralba). Quino is not only running a protection racket but he’s also the local karate champion. When Anthony stands up to Quino, he gets beaten up and Anthony’s girlfriend, Maria (Janelle Barretto), nearly loses her home when Quino’s gang sets it on fire. The half-dead Anthony is discovered by Master Kimura (Ken Watanabe — no, not that Ken Watanabe). Master Kimura takes Anthony into the forest and teaches him the “Stroke of the Dragon.” One montage later, Anthony is ready to enter the local karate tournament and take on Quino. For some reason, it never occurs to Anthony to let his father know that he’s now living with Master Kimura so, while Anthony is training, his father and his mother (Janet Agren, who co-starred in Fulci’s City of the Living Dead) are desperately searching for him in Manila.
Karate Warrior is only 84 minutes long and, for reasons that are not quite clear, Anthony’s training and the final tournament are all crammed into the film’s final 20 minutes. Before that, the film is a travelogue of Anthony wandering around Manila, getting conned by nearly everyone that he meets, and trying to flirt with Maria. So yes, the film is a bit plotless but I found the film’s meandering spirit to be a bit charming. It’s rare to see a film that’s so honest about only having 20 minutes worth of plot. The English language version also has the extra treat of some really bad dubbing. At one point, it sounds as if a totally different actor took over dubbing Anthony. The cheerful of ineptness of it all was rather likable.
The film was directed by Fabrizio De Angelis, who produced Fulci’s Beyondtrilogy. My friends may have disliked it but the film was a big enough of a success in Italy that it led to 6 sequels. I can’t wait to watch every one of them!
First produced in 1987, the short film The Day My Kid Went Punk tells the story of Terry Warner (Jay Underwood), a clean-cut teenager and aspiring violinist who lands a summer job working as a daycare counselor at a luxury hotel.
Feeling that he’s been neglected in favor of his high achieving older brother and his younger sister, Terry acts like a typical middle child and decides to change his image right after leaving home for his job. (It worked for Jan Brady!) He decides to become a punk. (Jan Brady never went that far.) Could this have something to do with his mother (Christine Belford) being the nation’s leading expert on the “Punk Syndrome,” that is terrifying parents everywhere? Or could it just be because Terry knows that he’ll never be as cool as his father (Bernie Kopell), who might claim to be named Tom Warner but who is obviously just Adam Bricker living in the suburbs? Every time Tom looks at his “punk” son, you can just see him dreading the thought of word of this getting back to Captain Stubing.
(Incidentally, the family in film is clearly named Warner but, in all of the advertisements that I’ve seen for this special, including the one at the top of the post, they’re identified as being the Nelson family.)
Needless to say, Terry Warner is, in no way, a convincing punk and judging from the film’s dialogue and plot, it would appear that the film doesn’t really know the difference between punk, goth, and heavy metal. Everyone at the hotel is a bit taken aback by Terry’s appearance but he proves himself to be a good worker and the kids absolutely love riding horses with him. I guess the message is that you shouldn’t judge someone based solely on how he looks. That’s a good message except that it’s ultimately undercut by Terry himself and his decision abandon his punk look as soon as it inconveniences him at school. So, I guess the message is that teens should dress the way they want unless it keeps them from winning first chair in the school band and parents shouldn’t worry because teenagers are so shallow that they’ll abandon anything after a month or two. The film suggests that Punk is less of a syndrome and more of a fad that whiny middle children go through during the summer.
(Myself, I’m not a middle child. I’m the youngest of four and I’ve never felt particularly ignored, even if there were times when it seemed like being left alone would be a nice change of pace. That said, I definitely went through some phases while I was growing up. During my junior and senior years of high school, I always made sure that I was wearing at least one black garment and I wrote emo poetry under the name Pandora DeSaad.)
Anyway, Halloween’s approaching and this very (and I do mean very) campy short film feels like a good way to welcome a month that encourages everyone, young and old, to think about putting on costumes. Here is The Day My Kid Went Punk!
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a new feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Fridays, I will be reviewing T. and T., a Canadian show which ran in syndication from 1987 to 1990. The show can be found on Tubi!
This week, Amy’s psycho nephew shows up!
Episode 1.15 “Sophie a La Modem”
(Dir by Stan Olsen, originally aired on April 18th, 1988)
“In this episode,” Mr. T tells us, “Sophie goes AWOL with Amy’s nephew and no one is safe from him …. NO ONE!”
This episode focuses on Sophie (Catherine Disher), who is Amy and T.S.’s administrative assistant. Since my first job out of college was working as an administrative assistant to an attorney, I appreciated that Sophie finally got to be the focus of an episode. Seriously, you can’t have an office without an office manager.
Amy’s nephew (Sunny Besen Thrasher) — who T.S. refers to as being “that little bad kid, Donald!” — is at the courthouse, firing a water gun at the security guard. Amy and T.S. take him to the office, where Sophie is extremely happy because she’s purchased — 80s alert! — a new modem! Donald, who is way too obsessed with guns, fires a rubber dart at Sophie’s computer screen. How big of a brat is Donald? He ever wears a bow-tie, just like the problem child kid. (Remember him?)
T.S. and Amy have to go to court so they’re not at the office when Mrs. Williams (Ruth Springfield) shows up and says that the people to whom she’s rented a house appear to be building something in the basement. Donald tells the woman that Sophie is Amy and somehow, this leads to Sophie and that little bad kid Donald going to investigate on their own.
Back at the office, T.S. and Amy return and discover that Sophie and Donald are gone but they don’t seem to be too worried about it. Instead of wondering where their administrative assistant and the little kid have gone, they talk about the time that Donald put a mouse in T.S.’s cookie jar. “He’s a bad kid,” T.S. growls.
At the house, Amy and Donald meet the two tenants, Gord (Ron Gabriel) and his slow-witted associate, Benny (Richard Donat). They also sneak into the basement and discover, as Sophie puts it, “a computer and a modem!” It turns out that Gord and Benny are using the magic powers of the modem to hack into bank databases. Unfortunately, Gord and Benny catch Sophie and that bad kid in the basement. Uh-oh!
Back at the office, T.S. speculates that Donald probably abandoned Sophie somewhere in Toronto and then stole her car. Instead of heading out to try to find the missing child and the administrative assistant, T.S. heads to the gym. I guess T.S. really does not like Donald!
Gord and Benny attempt to lock Sophie, Donald, and their landlady up in a crude cell they’ve constructed in the basement. Fortunately, Donald still has his toy dart gun and, by attaching a string to the dart, Sophie is able to snag the key to the cell. After unlocking and opening the cell door, Sophie turns on the computer and uses the magic powers of the modem to send a message to Amy, letting her know that they are being held prisoner in the basement.
T.S. shows up at the house and bangs on the door. “LET ME IN!” he shouts. When Gord and Benny fail to do so, T.S. kicks the door open. “I SAID LET ME IN!” While Gord begs T.S. not to kill him, Sophie uses the dart gun to shoot a rubber dart at Benny. Gord passes out and T.S. throws Benny through a wall.
Yay! This was an incredibly silly episode but I enjoyed it because Sophie got to live every administrative assistant’s dream. She did a good job and so did this episode. It was fun.
Episode 1.16 “Black and White”
(Dir by Don McCutcheon, originally aired on April 25th, 1988)
“In this episode,” Mr. T. tells us, “Amy and I are caught in the middle when Detective Jones takes the law into his own hands.”
If the previous episode gave Sophie her chance in the spotlight, this episode spotlights Detective Jones (played by Ken James). Since the second episode, Detective Jones has been the detective with whom Amy and Turner always seem to end up interacting. He’s also the detective who arrested for T.S. for the crime that T.S. didn’t commit. Needless to say, their relationship is occasionally awkward but, all things considered, surprisingly friendly.
This episode opens with Detective Jones’s wife (Meredith McRae) coming across two teenage boys breaking into her house and getting knocked unconscious as result. Jones, who is out for revenge, thinks that one of the boys was Tom (Nicholas Shields), who is later arrested for another burglary and whose attorney is — you guessed it! — Amy Taler. It turns out that Tom was one of the two teens that broke into Jones’s house but he was not the one who hit Mrs. Jones. This is all something that Jones finds out after he follows Tom to the surprisingly large warehouse that is owned by Tom’s accomplice, the psychotic Len. Fortunately, T.S. also follows Jones to the warehouse and helps him to subdue Len. Tom is given a suspended sentence and Jones and his wife leave for a Miami vacation.
This is a good example of an episode that suffered due to T. and T. having to cram an hour’s worth of story into a 30-minute time slot. This episode certainly had the potential to be interesting, with Detective Jones turning into a vigilante and T.S. Turner sympathizing with Tom because of their shared background as foster children but, with the shortened running time, the whole thing was juts a bit too rushed to be effective.
Next week: T.S. Turner faces off against two rich kids who think that ruining someone else’s life is just a game!
The 1975 drive-in film, Trucker’s Woman, opens with the tragic (and rather horrifying) death of Jim Kelly, a trucker who meets his demise when the breaks on his truck fail. We watch as Jim is tossed back and forth inside the cab of his truck and, in fact, the film’s opening credits play out over freeze frames of Jim’s gruesome end. Jim was a beloved member of the trucking community and his funeral is about as well-attended as a funeral taking place in a low-budget film can be. Everyone is going to be miss Jim but fortunately, his son Mike (Michael Hawkins) is going to carry on the family business!
As Mike explains to his father’s permanently soused friend, Ben Turner (Doodles Weaver), he’s giving up a lot to take over for his father. Mike is dropping out of college and sacrificing his dream of becoming a philosophy professor. Of course, Mike appears to be nearly 50 so, if he still hasn’t gotten that degree, it’s probably for the best that he went ahead of gave up on that dream. From what little we saw of Jim, he appeared to be 50 as well so you have to kind of wonder if Mike is actually his son. My theory is that Mike was just a drifter who happened to see a funeral occurring off the side of the road and decided to cash in.
Anyway, Mike is soon driving a truck and discovering that his boss, Fontaine (Jack Canon), is a bit of a jerk who favors certain truckers more than others. Mike also meets Fontaine’s daughter, Karen (Mary Cannon), at a roadside bar and ends up following her back to her motel, pounding on her door until she gets out of the shower and answers it while wearing a towel, and then announcing that he’s going to be accepting her offer to spend the night with her….
So, you can probably already guess what the main problem with this film is. At best, Mike is a jerk. At worst, he’s an alcoholic misogynist who breaks into a woman’s motel room, demands sex, and is then offended when she leaves the next morning without telling him where she’s going. The film tries to portray Mike as being a strong, independent man who works hard and refuses to be ordered around. However, he comes across less like Burt Reynolds in Smokey and the Bandit or Kris Kristofferson in Convoyand more like one of those truckers who eventually gets caught with a dead body in the back of his cab. Everything about Mike just screams homicidal drifter. Not even the title character from Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killerwould have accepted a ride from this guy.
Anyway, Mike and Ben attempt to discover who sabotaged the brakes on old Jim Kelly’s rig and since only a mechanic could have done it, suspicion immediately falls on Diesel Joe (Larry Drake) because he’s the only mechanic in the film! And who paid Diesel Joe to sabotage the brakes? Well, there’s only person in the film who has any money so it looks like it’s time for Ben to rally the other truckers and Mike to toss a bunch of people into Fontaine’s pool.
Trucker’s Woman does not work as a thriller or a mystery or a comedy. It does work as a time capsule of the 70s. Seriously, look at all of those wood-paneled rooms! Look at all of those plaid jackets! Seriously, there’s enough plaid in this film it could have just as easily been called Forever Plaid. Filmed on the highways of South Carolina, Trucker’s Woman is a film the epitomizes an era but there’s plenty of other films that do the exact same thing and don’t feature an alcoholic misogynist as the lead character. (Seriously, Rubber Duck would have tossed Mike Kelly out of a moving truck.)
Finally, Trucker’s Woman is infamous in some circles for featuring a random shot of a pepperoni pizza sitting on a wooden deck. It’s a shot that pops up out of nowhere and has nothing to do with the rest of the film. It’s thought that the shot was included as an experiment in subliminal advertising and I will admit that my sister and I did order a pizza after this film ended.
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Thursdays, I will be reviewing South Central, which aired, for 10 episodes, on Fox in 1994. The entire show is currently streaming on YouTube!
This week, South Central comes to an end.
Episode 1.9 “Dog”
(Directed by Stan Lathan, originally aired on May 31st, 1994)
Deion finally gets to be the focus of an episode and it’s seriously, the most depressing 30 minutes ever.
After eight episode of never speaking and never smiling, Deion is briefly happy when a stray dog follows him and Andre home. Deion loves playing with the dog and he even starts to bark just like the dog. Joan, however, is not happy about the idea of having the dog in the house. As she sensibly points out, they don’t know if the dog is sick and dog’s are expensive to keep. Still, when she sees how Deion loves the dog, she says that the dog can stay as long as he doesn’t make a mess in the house. Andre agrees to watch over the dog.
Joan leaves for the Co-op, where Bobby has declared the day to be “Black Dollar Day.” Of course, as soon as Joan does leaves the house, the dog makes a mess on the floor. Neither Andre nor his friend Rashad are willing to clean it up, with Andre is more concerned with calling Nicole and begging her to take him back. Finally, Tasha’s friend Shanelle (Shar Jackson) cleans up the mess because she wants to get together with Andre. However, Andre rejects Shanelle, telling her that she needs to have more respect for herself. (Andre wasn’t too concerned about Shanelle’s self-esteem when she was cleaning up after the dog for him.) Later, Andre and Tasha catch Shanelle and Rashad fooling around in Joan’s bedroom. This leads to multiple fights and the dog getting so agitated that it bites Shanelle.
The end result is Shanelle goes to the hospital, animal control takes away the dog, and Deion is left without his only friend. The next morning, Deion steps out of the house and stands on the sidewalk, barking like a dog.
My God, what a depressing show! But I should also add that it was a remarkable well-acted episode, especially the scene in which Joan explained to Deion that the dog wouldn’t be coming back but that the dog was okay and still cared about him. Seriously, I’m tearing up just writing that and I’m not even dog person.
Let’s move on to the series finale.
Episode 1.10 “Date”
(Directed by W.E. Baker, originally aired on June 7th, 1994)
Joan orders Andre and Rashad to take Tasha to the Ujamaa Hi-Life and pushes Deion onto Sweets so that she can have the house to herself for a night. However, almost as soon as the kids leave, Ray (Ken Page) shows up. (Yay! Ray’s back!) Ray sweetly asks Joan if she would like to have dinner with him. They head out to the local catfish place but they discover that there is a 45-minute waiting time for a table. Except …. OH MY GOD, IT’S ISAIAH! Isaiah (Michael Beach) explains that he is friends with the owner of the restaurant and he always has a table. Isaiah invites Joan (and, by extension, Ray) to have dinner with him.
Needless to say, dinner is a bit awkward, with Ray and Isaiah each mentioning that they own multiple homes and tying to impress Joan. Isaiah is as much of a charming jerk as he was the last time he went out with Joan. Ray, once again, promises to always be there for Joan and Andre despite the fact that Joan is obviously not interested in him. As bad as I do feel for Ray, he should realize by this point that Joan doesn’t share his feelings. You can’t create chemistry where there isn’t any.
Meanwhile, at the Co-Op, Rashad and Andre look for dates (which I guess means that Andre is over Nicole) and Tasha eventually cheers up when she gets to perform on stage.
To be honest, it’s a bit of an underwhelming ending for a show that featured so many powerful episodes. The finale feels far more conventional in its humor than the previous episodes and that probably has something to do with the fact that this was the only episode of South Central to not be directed by Stan Lathan. The finale feels more than a bit off when compared to what came before but, at the same time, it’s nice that the show ended with Tasha finally getting a moment to be the center of attention.
South Central only ran for ten episodes and it’s easy to see why it struggled in the ratings. For a comedy, South Central could be a very dark show. There weren’t a lot of standard happy endings to be found in South Central and even the upbeat finale left viewers feeling that things were only going to get more difficult for the Mosely family. Joan is still going to be working herself to death at Ujamaa. Andre is still going to often be his own worse enemy. And, even after performing in front of the entire community, Tasha is still going to be the one who is always expected to sacrifice to help out around the house. This show was all about the small moments of happiness that can be found even in the most difficult of circumstances. Ultimately, though, those moments can only take you so far.
Next week, just in time for October, we start a new Thursday show and it features a ghost! Are you ready for …. Jennifer Slept Here!?
Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986! The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!
It’s time for a Halloween cruise!
Episode 3.8 “Play by Play/Cindy/What’s A Brother For?”
(Dir by James Sheldon and George Tyne, originally aired on October 27th, 1979)
Yes, this episode does feature the Love Boat’s annual Halloween cruise but sadly, it doesn’t do much with the theme. Last season’s Halloween cruise featured Vincent Price as an illusionist. This season, there is a costume ball but it’s mostly just there so that the show can do a take off on Cinderella.
Cindy (Melissa Sue Anderson) is a shy girl who boards the ship with her wicked stepmother (Carolyn Jones) and her two less-than appealing step-sisters (Ronda Bates and Lila Kent). While the stepmother tries to find an eligible bachelor for either one of her biological daughters, Cindy is expected to stay in the cabin and do the laundry. However, Gopher hears Cindy singing Witchcraft and decides that Cindy simply has to sing for “the prince of pop,” Preston Maddox (Frank Sinatra, Jr., who looks like a cross between his father and Jerry Lewis). However, how can Cindy escape from the cabin? Gopher arranges for her to go to the costume ball and he even steals Julia’s Cinderella costume so Cindy can go incognito. Cindy impresses Preston but, when Julie sees that Cindy is wearing her costume, Cindy makes a run for it. She leaves behind one glass slipper and …. well, you know where this is going, right? As everyone disembarks in Los Angeles, Preston has them try to on the slipper. Cindy, however, doesn’t have to try on the slipper to prove her identity. She just has to start singing Witchcraft. By the end of the episode, you’ll wonder if Cindy knows any other songs.
While all that is going on, Bud Pomeroy (Christopher George) and Peggy Rossmore (Lynda Day George) are two sportscasters who work together but actually dislike each other. Peggy thinks Bud is a chauvinist and Bud thinks that Peggy was only hired for her looks. They decide to compete in a series of athletic events to determine who will stay at their station and who will quit. Bud wins at arm wrestling. Peggy wins a 5-mile race around the ship. To determine their third event, Peggy randomly draws a piece of paper from Captain Stubing’s hat and discovers that the next competition will be weight-lifting! When Bud throws his back out, it looks like Cindy is going to win but then Cindy asks Bud to stay and they discover that they actually love each other. Yay! Neither the story nor the characters were that interesting but Christopher George and Lynda Day George were married in real life and they made an attractive couple.
Finally, Tom Benton (Tom Hallick) has devoted his entire life to looking after his brother, Matt (Patrick Wayne), who uses crutches. When Tom meets and falls in love with Kris (Joan Van Ark), Matt realizes that it is time for Tom to move on and find some happiness of his own.
For the most part, this was a typically pleasant episode of The Love Boat but, as a Halloween episode, it was a major disappointment. They should have had some fun with season but, unfortunately, they didn’t. This was like going on a Christmas cruise and not getting any presents.
Through the Shattered Lens