BEST ACTOR
1. Michael B. Jordan (Creed) 29 points
2. Geza Rohrig (Son of Saul) 18
3. Tom Courtenay (45 Years) 15
BEST ACTRESS
1. Charlotte Rampling (45 Years) 57
2. Saoirse Ronan (Brooklyn) 30
3. Nina Hoss (Phoenix) 22
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
1. Mark Rylance (Bridge of Spies) 56
2. Michael Shannon (99 Homes) 16
3. Sylvester Stallone (Creed) 14
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
1. Kristen Stewart (Clouds of Sils Maria) 53
2. Alicia Vikander (Ex Machina) 23
3. Kate Winslet (Steve Jobs) 17
3. Elizabeth Banks (Love & Mercy) 17
BEST SCREENPLAY
1. Spotlight (Josh Singer and Tom McCarthy) 21
2. Anomalisa (Charlie Kaufman) 15
2. The Big Short (Charles Randolph and Adam McKay) 15
CINEMATOGRAPHY
1. Carol (Ed Lachman) 25
2. The Assassin (Mark Lee Ping-bin) 22
3. Mad Max: Fury Road (John Seale) 12
With 2015 now over, it’s time for me to both make out my end-of-the-year lists and take a look at the films that I saw last year that I have yet to get around to reviewing. In other words, it’s time to play catch up!
A Pigeon Sat On A Branch Reflecting On Existence is a Swedish film but, just from the title, you probably guessed that this was a European film. After all, an American film would never have a title quite that long or passive. We prefer our titles to be short and punchy and to the point: Taken, Spotlight, Die Hard, Concussion. A Pigeon Sat On A Branch Reflection On Existence is a title that is full of ennui and existential considerations.
At first glance — and I write this from an American point of view — A Pigeon Sat On A Branch Reflection On Existence seems like almost a parody of an experimental European art film. The performances are low-key and unemotional. The humor is often dark, cynical, and deliberately obscure. The film is full of long takes and medium shots, with the camera never moving. This is a film that demands more than a little patience from the viewer. I ended up loving it but I have a feeling that a lot of people will give up on the film after the first 15 minutes or so.
Believe it or not, this is not a film about a pigeon. Instead, it’s a collection of small and increasingly absurd scenes, some of which are connected and some of which are not. Some characters appear in more than one scene and some do not. The two most prominent characters are two dour-faced salesman of novelty items. “We want to help people have fun,” they repeatedly say in the flattest possible tone. They sell vampire teeth and a mask that they call Uncle One Tooth. (Whenever they pull out the Uncle One Tooth mask, it leads to someone screaming in horror.) They also sell bags of laughter, little bags that laugh when you open them and then keep laughing until they suddenly stop. One of the salesman is feeling depressed and no longer wants to keep selling novelties. The other salesman has to continually beg him to leave his apartment.
At one point, the two salesman enter a small diner and you can’t help but notice that, looking out the front windows, the diner appears to be sitting in the middle of an apocalyptic wasteland. Eventually, a group of 18th century soldiers march by and decide to enter the diner. They are followed by their leader, a preening martinet on a horse who orders that all women leave the diner. Later, we return to the diner and so do the soldiers. They’ve obviously lost whatever battle they were fighting but they still stand at attention when the horse reenters the diner, mounted by their dying (or possibly dead) leader.
And it’s all very odd but yet also very fascinating. The film is so deadpan and so unashamedly absurd in its humor that it’s impossible not to enjoy. Or at least, that’s the case up until the final 10 minutes or so, at which point the audience is confronted by a crowd of obviously wealthy people casually watching a group of slaves being horrifically burned alive.
What does all this mean? I think a better question would be, “Does this mean anything at all?” That said, A Pigeon Sat On A Branch Reflecting On Existence is a fascinating film for audiences that are willing to take a chance on something different.
Well, I was gonna review a Late Night Cable movie next, but unfortunately I watched Serena The Sexplorer (2013). It was horrible! Same writer and director as the also terrible Monster Of The Nudist Colony. *Shudders*
So instead I watched the next Hallmark movie on my DVR. The movie opens and we meet our two leads in college. This is Mitch (Robin Dunne).
This is Maggie (Brooke Nevin).
This lady reminds me of a online friend I met about 6 years ago who also used to work as a small town reporter like this character will. By the way, she runs a great movie blog over at Comet Over Hollywood. One of the most wonderful people I know online and a far better writer than I will ever be. But back to the movie.
She needs to get home for Christmas and he agrees to give her a ride home so she doesn’t miss it despite the storm. They get stuck in a traffic jam along the way so they can spend some time together to setup the plot for later in the movie. One little problem here. They are clearly just sitting in a car that isn’t moving which isn’t uncommon in movies, but when they say they are going to get off the highway it immediately cuts to them getting out of a stationary car. The movie really could have benefitted by a shot of the car going onto an offramp before that shot. Well, they make snow angels, build a snowman, and ride a toboggan. Finally, he gets her home and before you can say When Harry Met Sally (1989), it cuts to 10 years later.
We are now in a small town called Harrison. And by Harrison they mean Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.
Maggie is now a small town newspaper reporter and subscriptions are down so the head of the paper informs them the paper will be joining the Wrightsbridge family of publications. Those damn kids and their Internet that no newspaper makes heavy use of and never makes all their reporters have social media accounts. They now need to be at their best. Maggie turns on the radio…
and either she is thinking her life might turn into Ron Howard’s The Paper (1994) and she too will have to ask why the bullet came out of the wall or she recognizes the name Mitch O’Grady.
Mitch has moved to the small town of Harrison from L.A. to be a disc jockey. He is a bit of a Scrooge when it comes to Christmas. He doesn’t want to play any Christmas music because he thinks it’s overplayed on the radio during the season. Tell me about it! And much to my surprise the film will treat him respectfully. We will kindly be taken through a series of events that culminate with us finding out why Christmas is a painful time for him now. Oh, and notice the sweet three monitor setup he has there complete with the monitor on the far right that I believe is using Audacity. Not sure what the other monitors are showing, but it doesn’t matter cause all you need to remember is there are three of them and the monitor on the right has nothing underneath it.
Oh, and kudos to the production crew for a well faked website.
Now Maggie is having lunch when of course Mitch comes in and joins her to catch up. Unfortunately, the local flirt shows up to hit on Mitch. You can tell how important she is because I am not even going to include a screenshot of her. Maggie goes home and gets a brilliant idea. The title of the movie mentions the 12 days of Christmas so she’s going to send 12 gifts to Mitch as a Secret Santa. They are inspired by the things they did together on their way to her home 10 years prior.
Back at work a guy from the parent company shows up and I thought he was going to be like the “evil” reporter from The Note, but nope. He’s barely in the movie and very reasonable. He’s just there to drop the line that people like personal interest stories so that she will let the Secret Santa thing go further than she probably should.
Meanwhile, back at Mitch’s office. Somebody has moved his far left monitor to the far right and put a book under it.
The first gift comes and it’s the eyes he and Maggie used 10 years prior to make a snowman. And this is Rita (Geri Hall).
She will be your Beth from NewsRadio for the movie, but more useful and less annoying. Oh, and his monitor’s are back the way he likes them.
Now Mitch decides to talk about the Secret Santa thing on the radio, turns out KCNQ is a “bronze-level” advertiser with the paper, and the presents are now on the radio’s website. There’s your setup. She keeps sending him stuff, there are red herrings about who could be the Secret Santa, and they spend time together because she needs to cover the story for the paper. One more thing, I forgot that each present comes with instructions of what he is to do with the present. For example, make a snowman to use the eyes on. Of course Maggie is more than willing to help out.
He eventually figures it out and does the third act misunderstanding bit before things turnaround for the best. While Maggie pouts, we get a cameo we all knew was coming.
That’s right! A cameo appearance by the can of Folgers coffee from The Nine Of Christmas.
The Nine Lives Of Christmas (2014)
Okay, nobody expected it, but there it is.
Seeing as I did like this one, I won’t spoil why he is a bit of Christmas grumpus. It’s a standard Hallmark cliche, but I won’t say. This was reasonably well acted, it didn’t have its characters act in weird unexplainable ways, none of that Christmas Land crap, and it knew it was a small scale story and made it fit that format.
However, there is one thing I want to know. I mean aside from why he suddenly only has two monitors near the end of the movie with the book back under the far right one. I thought people who break into places to rearrange furniture only existed in the movie A Chorus Line (1985). Must be the same person who did it in 12 Gifts Of Christmas.
What I want to know is where was actor Don Allison in this movie? He is credited as playing Mitch’s father, but I didn’t see him. Don Allison is the actor from Christmas Magic that in his few minutes of screen time gave a real heartfelt performance with barely two words. If anyone knows, then please tell me because I didn’t see him.
This isn’t an amazing Hallmark movie, but it’s a nice little story that one could certainly sit through the next time it comes around on Hallmark. I do recommend it.
Gerard Depardieu is naked a lot in Welcome to New York and I know you’re probably being snarky and sarcastically thinking, “Well, then I’m definitely going to track down this film…” but actually, the frequent display of Depardieu’s body gets to the heart of what makes his performance so memorable. Playing an extremely unsympathetic role, Depardieu doesn’t hide the character’s depravity from the audience. He reveals every inch of the character, from his flabby body to his empty soul. It takes courage to bring such an unsympathetic character to life and talent to keep the audience watching and fortunately, Depardieu has both of those.
Welcome to New York opens with Depardieu (as himself) talking to a group of reporters and explaining why he’s decided to play a character based on Dominique Strauss-Kahn in Abel Ferrara’s upcoming movie. It’s an interesting way to start, both because it features Depardieu’s scornful opinion of politicians and because it leaves no doubt that, even if Depardieu’s character has been renamed Devereaux, Welcome to New York is directly based on the Dominique Strauss-Kahn case.
(Dominique Strauss-Kahn, of course, was the wealthy French socialist who many thought was going to be the next President of France until he was arrested after raping a hotel maid in New York City. As a wealthy and well-connected white man, he was acquitted of raping the maid, who neither wealthy, well-connected, or white. Throughout the trial, the usual collection of elitists complained about how Americans just didn’t understand French culture but, ultimately, Strauss-Kahn’s political career was ended by the scandal.)
Welcome to New York closely follows the facts of the Strauss-Kahn case. Wealthy banker and politician Devereaux is in New York on business. When he meets his daughter and her boyfriend, he spends the entire lunch asking them about their sex life. When he returns to his hotel, he and his business associates hire a group of prostitutes and have one of the most depressing orgies ever captured on film.
I have to admit that during these first part of the film, I was often tempted to turn off Welcome To New York. No, it wasn’t that the film was too explicit. Instead, my problem was that Devereaux was such a dull character. Devereaux has a lot of sex during the first third of the film but, at no point, does he seem to enjoy it. Instead, he is detached from everything happening around him and it doesn’t exactly make for compelling viewing.
But, as the film played out, I realized that we weren’t supposed to find Devereaux in any way compelling. Instead, Devereaux is portrayed as a hollow and empty shell. For him, sex is all about entitlement and power. After his is arrested for raping the hotel maid, Devereaux appears to be more surprised than anything else. Rather than feeling regret at being caught or even fear that he might be convicted, Devereaux seems to be shocked that a man of his wealth would be held responsible for his actions.
After Devereaux is arrested, the film’s pace picks up a bit. Devereaux’s wife, Simone (Jacqueline Bisset), flies to New York and takes over her husband’s defense. It’s not that Simone feels that Devereaux has been wrongly accused. In fact, Simone really doesn’t seem to care much for her husband in general. However, Simone is determined that Devereaux is going to be the next president of France and she certainly has no intention of allowing some American criminal case to stand in his way. Bisset gives a chilling performance as the almost fanatically driven Simone.
Soon, Devereaux is under house arrest and staying at a rented house. (For these scenes, Welcome to New York filmed in the same house that Strauss-Kahn stayed at during his trial.) It’s while locked away in the house that Devereaux finally starts to realize that he has gone too far. It’s in the house that Devereaux remembers the man he was once was and is forced to confront the man that he has become.
Welcome to New York is not always an easy film to watch but, thanks to Depardieu and Bisset’s ferocious performances, it’s a film that will reward patient viewers.
Today was the first day of a new year so, of course, I had to go down to the Alamo Drafthouse and see a movie. What was the title of the first movie that I saw in a theater in 2016?
Joy.
Despite the fact that Joy has gotten some seriously mixed reviews, I had high hopes when I sat down in the Alamo. After all, Joy represents the third collaboration between director David O. Russell and one of my favorite actresses, Jennifer Lawrence. (Their previous collaborations — Silver Linings Playbook and American Hustle — happen to be two of my favorite films of the past 5 years.) Add to that, Joy has been advertised as being a tribute to a real-life, strong-willed woman and I figured that, at the very least, it would provide a nice alternative to the testosterone-crazed movies that I’ve recently sat through. And finally, Joy had a great trailer!
Sure, there were a few less than positive signs about Joy. As I mentioned before, the majority of the reviews had been mixed and the word of mouth was even worse. (My friend, the sportswriter Jason Tarwater, used one word to describe the film to me: “Meh.”) But what truly worried me was that Sasha Stone of AwardsDaily absolutely raved about the film on her site and that’s usually a bad sign. Let’s not forget that this is the same Sasha Stone who claimed that Maps To The Stars was one of the best films ever made about Hollywood.
And, to be honest, I had much the same reaction to Joy that I had to Map To The Stars. I really wanted to love Joy and, occasionally, there would be a clever bit of dialogue or an unexpected directorial choice and I would briefly perk up in my seat and think to myself, “Okay, this is the film that I wanted to see!” But, for the most part, Joy is a disappointment. It’s not so much that it’s bad as it’s just not particularly great. For the most part, it’s just meh.
But let’s talk about what worked. Overall, this may be one of Jennifer Lawrence’s lesser films but she gives a great performance, one that reminds us that she truly is one of the best actresses working today. I’ve read some complaints that Lawrence was too young for the title role and, to be absolutely honest, she probably is. She looks like she could easily go undercover at a high school and help Jonah Hill and Channing Tatum bust drug dealers. But, at the same time, she projects the inner weariness of a survivor. For lack of a better term, she has an old soul and it comes across in her films.
In Joy, she plays Joy Mangano, a divorced mother of two who lives in upstate New York. Her mother (Virginia Madsen) lives with Joy and spends all of her time watching soap operas. Joy ex-husband, a lounge singer named Tony (Edgar Ramirez), lives in the basement. Meanwhile, her grandmother (Diane Ladd, who narrates the film) is always hovering in the background, offering Joy encouragement and optimism. At the start of the film, Joy’s cantankerous father (Robert De Niro) has also moved into the house. Joy, who was the valedictorian of her high school, has got a demeaning job working as a flight booker at the airport.
(“What’s your name?” one rude customer asks, “Joy? You don’t seem very joyful to me…”)
How stressful is Joy’s life? It’s so stressful that she has a reoccurring nightmare in which she’s trapped in her mother’s favorite soap opera and Susan Lucci (cleverly playing herself) tells her that she should just give up.
However, as difficult as life may get, Joy refuses to take Susan Lucci’s advise. She invents a miraculous mop known as the miracle mop and eventually becomes a highly successful businesswoman. Along the way, she makes her television debut on QVC and becomes a minor celebrity herself…
The film’s best scenes are the ones that deal with Joy and QVC. These scenes, in which the inexperienced Joy proves herself to be a natural saleswoman, are the best in the film. These scenes are filled with the spark that I was hoping would be present throughout the entire film. Of course, it helps that these scenes also feature Bradley Cooper as a sympathetic television executive. This is the third time that Bradley Cooper and Jennifer Lawrence have acted opposite each other and there’s an immediate chemistry between them. In this case, it’s not a romantic chemistry (and one of the things that I did appreciate about Joy was that it didn’t try to force a predictable romance on the title character). Instead, it’s the type of mutual respect that you rarely see between male and female characters in the movies. It’s a lot of fun to watch, precisely because it is so real and unexpected.
But sadly, the QVC scenes only make up a relatively small part of Joy. The rest of the film is something of a mess, with David O. Russell never settling on a consistent tone. At times, Joy feels like a disorganized collection of themes from his previous films. Just as in The Fighter and Silver Linings Playbook, we get the quirky and dysfunctional family. Just as in American Hustle, we get the period detail, the Scorsese-lite soundtrack, and the moments of cynical humor. There’s a lot going on in Joy and, at time, it doesn’t seem that Russell really knows what to do with all the theme and characters that he’s mixed into the movie. I found myself wondering if he truly understood the story that he was trying to tell.
Finally, at the end of the film, Joy visits a business rival in Dallas, Texas. Let’s just say that the film’s version of Dallas looks nothing like the city that I know. (The minute that the scene cut from her ex-husband discovering that Joy had left to a close-up of a Bar-B-Q sign, I let out an exasperated, “Oh, come on!”) I suppose I should be happy that Russell didn’t have huge mountains in the background of the Dallas scenes but seriously, would it have killed anyone to do a little research or maybe hop on a plane and spend a day or two filming on location?
(After all, if Richard Linklater or Wes Anderson decided to set a movie in David O. Russell’s home state of Massachusetts, I doubt that they would film the Boston scenes in El Paso….)
Joy features great work from Jennifer Lawrence and Bradley Cooper and it tells a story that has the potential to be very empowering. But, when it comes to the overall film … meh.
I saw quite a few movies last year. Around 700 of them, which were all new to me. These are the ground rules:
There is no particular order to the films in these lists. They simply either made it or not.
These are not necessarily films that came out in 2015. In fact, most didn’t. These are films that I saw for the first time in 2015.
The gems list are films that don’t make the best list, but I want to put a spotlight on them.
If there is a review on the site, mine or someone else’s, then I have linked to it.
I saw way more awful things this year then any other kind of movie so I have tried to pick out the worst of the worst and the movies that still piss me off at this point.
If you disagree with any of my choices. Good! I want people to form their own opinions and think for themselves. But if you care to share those opinions, then be nice about it, or you won’t receive a response from me. Also, if I don’t wish to discuss a particular film, such as Interstellar, then I will tell you. I won’t leave you hanging.
That horribly animated character up top is voiced by Christopher Lloyd.
Best:
Tomboy (2011)
Ma Vie en Rose (1997)
Show Me Love (1998)
Blue Is The Warmest Color (2013)
Jump In! (2007)
Twin Peaks: Fire Walk with Me (1992)
David Holzman’s Diary (1967)
Hedwig and the Angry Inch (2001)
Rebellion in Patagonia (1974)
Emmanuelle Through Time: Emmanuelle’s Skin City (2012)
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM
The Assassin
Mustang
Phoenix
A Pigeon Sat on a Branch Reflecting on Existence
Son of Saul
BEST DIRECTOR
Lenny Abrahamson (Room)
Todd Haynes (Carol)
Tom McCarthy (Spotlight)
George Miller (Mad Max: Fury Road)
Ridley Scott (The Martian)
BEST ACTOR
Bryan Cranston (Trumbo)
Matt Damon (The Martian)
Leonardo DiCaprio (The Revenant)
Michael Fassbender (Steve Jobs)
Ian McKellen (Mr. Holmes)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR
Paul Dano (Love & Mercy)
Benicio del Toro (Sicario)
Mark Ruffalo (Spotlight)
Mark Rylance (Bridge of Spies)
Sylvester Stallone (Creed)
BEST ACTRESS
Elizabeth Banks (Love & Mercy)
Cate Blanchett (Carol)
Brie Larson (Room)
Charlotte Rampling (45 Years)
Saoirse Ronan (Brooklyn)
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS
Jennifer Jason Leigh (The Hateful Eight)
Rooney Mara (Carol)
Rachel McAdams (Spotlight)
Helen Mirren (Trumbo)
Alicia Vikander (Ex Machina)
BEST ORIGINAL SCREENPLAY
Matt Charman, Ethan Coen, and Joel Coen (Bridge of Spies)
Pete Docter, Meg LeFauve, and Josh Cooley (Inside Out)
Alex Garland (Ex Machina)
Josh Singer, Tom McCarthy (Spotlight)
Quentin Tarantino (The Hateful Eight)
BEST ADAPTED SCREENPLAY
Emma Donoghue (Room)
Drew Goddard (The Martian)
Phyllis Nagy (Carol)
Nick Hornby (Brooklyn)
Charles Randolph and Adam McKay (The Big Short)
Aaron Sorkin (Steve Jobs)
TAR HEEL AWARD
(To an artist or film with a special connection to North Carolina.)
Ramin Bahrani (99 Homes)
Finders Keepers
Peyton Reed (Ant-Man)
Hi! First off, I must apologize for the Black Film Critics Circle. They announced their picks for the best way back on the 22nd of December but, with the business of the holidays and all, I’ve only now had the opportunity to post them.
Here’s what the BFCC picked for the best of 2015!
BEST PICTURE Creed
BEST DIRECTING – George Miller, Mad Max Fury Road
BEST ACTOR – Michael B. Jordan, Creed
BEST ACTRESS – Brie Larson, Room
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR – Sylvester Stallone, Creed
BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS – Tessa Thompson, Creed
BEST SCREENWRITING (Original Screenplay) – Straight Outta Compton
BEST SCREENWRITING (Adapted Screenplay) – The Martian
BEST CINEMATOGRAPHY – Mad Max Fury Road
BEST FOREIGN LANGUAGE FILM – Son of Saul
BEST DOCUMENTARY FEATURE – What Happened, Miss Simone?
BEST ANIMATED FEATURE – Inside Out
BEST ENSEMBLE PERFORMANCE – Straight Outta Compton
Special Awards were given to Ice Cube, Abraham Attah, and Beasts of No Nation.
4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films is all about letting the visuals do the talking.
Happy birthday to the wonderful and iconic actress, Barbara Steele!
Wow! That title card cares about this movie as much as the one for Trancers 4: Jack of Swords did. That is to say, it doesn’t care one bit. And for good reason. This movie sucks! At least it isn’t as depressing as what I’ll mention at the end of this review.
In case you don’t remember the complex and memorable plot of Trancers 4 when you go to watch Trancers 5, it begins with a recap. I’m glad this recap exists. It not only reminds me that nothing happened in Trancers 4, but it also tells me what this lady’s name really is.
That being “the bitch leader of the rebellious peasants” (Terri Ivens). You see, this is what happens when you get one of the villains of the movie to do your recap. They will resort to name calling. The only new thing it adds is that shortly after Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) killed Caliban (Clabe Hartley) they used hit and run tactics for a month before launching an attack on the castle. Cut to the attack on the castle and this guy keeps saying “Deth is coming!” Very true, as he learns from Jack’s gun.
One eye (Mark Arnold) here flees the castle, but first he takes the painting from Ghostbusters II.
Oh, yeah! That means what you think it means. This movie is that stupid. Meanwhile, it’s time for Jack and Lyra (Stacie Randall) to have another hilarious scene together. Lyra being the girl from the future who was tough and smart, but in the past is super submissive. Jack still isn’t happy about that. Aside from the sex thing.
Then a scene happens that I’m sure was the inspiration for Stephenie Meyer’s June 2, 2003 dream that inspired the Twilight series.
That’s Prospero (Ty Miller) who is a Trancer/vampire and the bitch…okay, her name is Shaleen. She is in love with him, but his hunger causes him to need to feed, and she is willing to let him. Nope. Nothing Twilighty going on here. Meanwhile, Jack is in the library trying to understand his contract to make Trancers 4 & 5 which apparently had him paid in money he could only spend in Romania.
Actually, it’s some random gibberish that talks about inter-dimensional travel or something. Oh, then this happens.
Yep! Caliban is back. Why? Probably the same reason why Jack getting struck by lightning at the end of the fourth film simply transported him behind Caliban so he could shoot him. Plot convenience. Whatever, it’s back to Jack and Prospero. All you need to know is Jack needs to go get something called the Tiamond. Where does he need to go to get it you might ask? Stupid question! Of course it’s The Castle of Unrelenting Terror. Where did you think he was going to have to go? To a 7-Eleven?
Now Shaleen’s breasts say goodbye. Jack then tells Lyra he has to go and gives us some words of wisdom: “A woman isn’t a real woman unless she makes you want to smack her in the chops. Not doing it makes you a real man.” Thanks, Jack! I mean I can’t say I really disagree with the point of the line…I think, but that’s certainly an interesting way of putting it. Now Jack and Prospero are off to The Castle Of Unrelenting Bullshit.
Jack and Prospero sit down to let Ty Miller attempt acting before Taylor Lautner shows up.
They just throw him some food and he leaves. Wait I’m sorry. I forgot that it turns out the food tastes like shit, but Prospero has some drink for Jack that will make him care about its shitty taste less. Very important lines. Then some guy shows up, tries to kill Prospero, and Lautner kills him. Who cares, we need to get through this thing as fast as possible. As Jack puts it, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”
Now we get more scenes of Ty Miller acting. These scenes are just to remind us that Prospero is a good guy, but Jack doesn’t trust him cause he is a Trancer after all. Then we cut to Lyra who wanders somewhere in the castle to start drawing. It really doesn’t matter. Next they arrive at The Castle Of Unrelenting Nonsense.
They would’ve painted the girls green, but then Roddenberry’s estate would have sued their asses off. They basically serve the same purpose as Orion Slave Girls trying to keep Jack and Prospero in a state of bliss that will cause them to rot away. Makes me wonder though. If two women had arrived at the castle, then would these have been men? Can the castle tell what your sexual preference is and tailor these people to match it? Doesn’t matter. Jack figures it out and gets hit with a giant hand.
Then he cuts off the arm it’s attached to and throws it on the ground.
On to the next room of The Castle Of Unrelenting Things From Other Movies And TV Shows.
Zombies! At least I think they’re zombies. They sound like it and move towards them like they are. However, Jack just tells them to “suck floor”. They do just that, and scene!
Meanwhile, Lyra is back at the castle padding the movie out by drawing things. Back in the actual plot of the film, Jack and Prospero come to a room where Prospero is struck down with noise.
Then the dumbest scene of the same actor playing themselves twice in the same scene happens. It’s like watching the Disney Channel show Liv and Maddie if they used no special effects at all, but kept cutting to single shots of Dove Cameron pretending to be different characters with an occasional arm reaching towards her. Yep. Jack fights with himself. Here you go.
Good Jack
Evil Jack
Fighting
The whole scene is like that. Evil Jack has the Tiamond and now Please Get Me Out Of This Movie Jack has the Tiamond. The dog is back and transforms into Caliban, but in between we get the dog wearing a vest!
Needless to say Caliban takes the Tiamond away and uses it to make this happen…
before going through that vortex, as they call it.
Now the movie has all the characters make a mad dash back to the main set. Back at the castle poor Shaleen’s breasts get squished.
Why you ask? Because the movie needs to reference Back To The Future now. Isn’t it obvious? No? Let me help you out. She is Lorraine Baines.
He is Biff Tannen.
That’s Marty/George McFly AKA Jeff Moldovan who was the stunt coordinator on the film.
The fight.
The fist.
The knockout.
Not perfect, but I have absolutely no doubt that’s what they were referencing with that scene.
Anyways, Prospero shows up and lifts the styrofoam off of her body. However, Caliban shows up and starts making impressive use of The Force to do more than just open up doors this time.
Caliban has a showdown with Jack and Prospero. After knocking Jack down, Prospero stabs him, then Jack shoots the Tiamond saying, “Back to L.A. you son of a bitch!” They turn yellow and disappear. I love what follows.
There’s this shot of Shaleen looking around in amazement for a full 10 seconds. It’s hilarious. Now we cut back to the future. Oh, and past Lyra is pregnant. Doesn’t matter.
Initially they think they have lost Jack and talk about him in the past tense. The problem is that before they start talking about him, Jack and Prospero come through the door. It means Lyra and the guy banging Jack’s ex-wife didn’t hear the door open up right behind them. Then Jack is reunited with Lyra and iris shot!
So, you want to watch something depressing? Watch Trancers 3, 4, and 5. Want to crank it up a notch? Watch the behind the scenes featurette on the Trancers 5 DVD where it’s obvious that Thomerson was having none of this movie. Not sad enough? I can make it worse. Actor Clabe Hartley now owns a restaurant in Venice Beach, California. This year a homeless person came into his restaurant, harassed some customers, then BIT PART OF HARTLEY’S FINGER OFF! And they couldn’t reattach it. Instead of our usual look on Thomerson’s face, I have embedded the news story below.
