Wow! That title card cares about this movie as much as the one for Trancers 4: Jack of Swords did. That is to say, it doesn’t care one bit. And for good reason. This movie sucks! At least it isn’t as depressing as what I’ll mention at the end of this review.

In case you don’t remember the complex and memorable plot of Trancers 4 when you go to watch Trancers 5, it begins with a recap. I’m glad this recap exists. It not only reminds me that nothing happened in Trancers 4, but it also tells me what this lady’s name really is.

That being “the bitch leader of the rebellious peasants” (Terri Ivens). You see, this is what happens when you get one of the villains of the movie to do your recap. They will resort to name calling. The only new thing it adds is that shortly after Jack Deth (Tim Thomerson) killed Caliban (Clabe Hartley) they used hit and run tactics for a month before launching an attack on the castle. Cut to the attack on the castle and this guy keeps saying “Deth is coming!” Very true, as he learns from Jack’s gun.

One eye (Mark Arnold) here flees the castle, but first he takes the painting from Ghostbusters II.

Oh, yeah! That means what you think it means. This movie is that stupid. Meanwhile, it’s time for Jack and Lyra (Stacie Randall) to have another hilarious scene together. Lyra being the girl from the future who was tough and smart, but in the past is super submissive. Jack still isn’t happy about that. Aside from the sex thing.

Then a scene happens that I’m sure was the inspiration for Stephenie Meyer’s June 2, 2003 dream that inspired the Twilight series.

That’s Prospero (Ty Miller) who is a Trancer/vampire and the bitch…okay, her name is Shaleen. She is in love with him, but his hunger causes him to need to feed, and she is willing to let him. Nope. Nothing Twilighty going on here. Meanwhile, Jack is in the library trying to understand his contract to make Trancers 4 & 5 which apparently had him paid in money he could only spend in Romania.

Actually, it’s some random gibberish that talks about inter-dimensional travel or something. Oh, then this happens.

Yep! Caliban is back. Why? Probably the same reason why Jack getting struck by lightning at the end of the fourth film simply transported him behind Caliban so he could shoot him. Plot convenience. Whatever, it’s back to Jack and Prospero. All you need to know is Jack needs to go get something called the Tiamond. Where does he need to go to get it you might ask? Stupid question! Of course it’s The Castle of Unrelenting Terror. Where did you think he was going to have to go? To a 7-Eleven?

Now Shaleen’s breasts say goodbye. Jack then tells Lyra he has to go and gives us some words of wisdom: “A woman isn’t a real woman unless she makes you want to smack her in the chops. Not doing it makes you a real man.” Thanks, Jack! I mean I can’t say I really disagree with the point of the line…I think, but that’s certainly an interesting way of putting it. Now Jack and Prospero are off to The Castle Of Unrelenting Bullshit.

Jack and Prospero sit down to let Ty Miller attempt acting before Taylor Lautner shows up.

They just throw him some food and he leaves. Wait I’m sorry. I forgot that it turns out the food tastes like shit, but Prospero has some drink for Jack that will make him care about its shitty taste less. Very important lines. Then some guy shows up, tries to kill Prospero, and Lautner kills him. Who cares, we need to get through this thing as fast as possible. As Jack puts it, “I’m getting too old for this shit.”

Now we get more scenes of Ty Miller acting. These scenes are just to remind us that Prospero is a good guy, but Jack doesn’t trust him cause he is a Trancer after all. Then we cut to Lyra who wanders somewhere in the castle to start drawing. It really doesn’t matter. Next they arrive at The Castle Of Unrelenting Nonsense.

They would’ve painted the girls green, but then Roddenberry’s estate would have sued their asses off. They basically serve the same purpose as Orion Slave Girls trying to keep Jack and Prospero in a state of bliss that will cause them to rot away. Makes me wonder though. If two women had arrived at the castle, then would these have been men? Can the castle tell what your sexual preference is and tailor these people to match it? Doesn’t matter. Jack figures it out and gets hit with a giant hand.

Then he cuts off the arm it’s attached to and throws it on the ground.

On to the next room of The Castle Of Unrelenting Things From Other Movies And TV Shows.

Zombies! At least I think they’re zombies. They sound like it and move towards them like they are. However, Jack just tells them to “suck floor”. They do just that, and scene!

Meanwhile, Lyra is back at the castle padding the movie out by drawing things. Back in the actual plot of the film, Jack and Prospero come to a room where Prospero is struck down with noise.

Then the dumbest scene of the same actor playing themselves twice in the same scene happens. It’s like watching the Disney Channel show Liv and Maddie if they used no special effects at all, but kept cutting to single shots of Dove Cameron pretending to be different characters with an occasional arm reaching towards her. Yep. Jack fights with himself. Here you go.

The whole scene is like that. Evil Jack has the Tiamond and now Please Get Me Out Of This Movie Jack has the Tiamond. The dog is back and transforms into Caliban, but in between we get the dog wearing a vest!

Needless to say Caliban takes the Tiamond away and uses it to make this happen…

before going through that vortex, as they call it.

Now the movie has all the characters make a mad dash back to the main set. Back at the castle poor Shaleen’s breasts get squished.

Why you ask? Because the movie needs to reference Back To The Future now. Isn’t it obvious? No? Let me help you out. She is Lorraine Baines.

He is Biff Tannen.

That’s Marty/George McFly AKA Jeff Moldovan who was the stunt coordinator on the film.

The fight.

The fist.

The knockout.

Not perfect, but I have absolutely no doubt that’s what they were referencing with that scene.

Anyways, Prospero shows up and lifts the styrofoam off of her body. However, Caliban shows up and starts making impressive use of The Force to do more than just open up doors this time.

Caliban has a showdown with Jack and Prospero. After knocking Jack down, Prospero stabs him, then Jack shoots the Tiamond saying, “Back to L.A. you son of a bitch!” They turn yellow and disappear. I love what follows.

There’s this shot of Shaleen looking around in amazement for a full 10 seconds. It’s hilarious. Now we cut back to the future. Oh, and past Lyra is pregnant. Doesn’t matter.

Initially they think they have lost Jack and talk about him in the past tense. The problem is that before they start talking about him, Jack and Prospero come through the door. It means Lyra and the guy banging Jack’s ex-wife didn’t hear the door open up right behind them. Then Jack is reunited with Lyra and iris shot!

So, you want to watch something depressing? Watch Trancers 3, 4, and 5. Want to crank it up a notch? Watch the behind the scenes featurette on the Trancers 5 DVD where it’s obvious that Thomerson was having none of this movie. Not sad enough? I can make it worse. Actor Clabe Hartley now owns a restaurant in Venice Beach, California. This year a homeless person came into his restaurant, harassed some customers, then BIT PART OF HARTLEY’S FINGER OFF! And they couldn’t reattach it. Instead of our usual look on Thomerson’s face, I have embedded the news story below.