Film Review: Lady Terminator (1989, dir. H. Tjut Djalil as Jalil Jackson)


Lady Terminator (Barbara Anne Constable)

Lady Terminator (Barbara Anne Constable)

It’s all here. She hunts down and kills innocent people on her way to her target. She rams a car into a police station in order to get to her target. She drives after the protector and her target while having a shootout. She appears as the Lady Terminator naked. She takes two guys to the back of a car where a snake comes out of her vagina and bites off their dicks, killing them so she can take their clothes.

What? Arnold didn’t bite off any dicks? Well, that’s because this isn’t The Terminator. This is Lady Terminator. Here, if a dick isn’t shot off, then it’s bit off by what we will refer to as the vagina snake.

The movie begins in the past where an evil queen takes a man to bed and kills him during sex. Then another man is brought in, but this time it goes differently. She gets into position, a snake slithers out of her vagina, he grabs it, it turns into a knife, and she’s banished. By banished, I mean she swears she’ll have her vengeance on his great-granddaughter in 100 years, appears outside on the beach, and walks into the ocean to join forces with evil. Isn’t that one of the most absurd openings to a movie you’ve ever heard of?

We jump to the future and meet Tania. She’s not a lady, she’s an anthropology student, as she reminds the sea captain. You see, she’s going to investigate the legend of the South Sea Queen. The lady who liked biting off dicks. She visits a library to have an encounter with a ridiculous character who knows exactly what she’s talking about, warns her, but gives her what she’s looking for anyways. You know, standard stuff.

She gets a boat, goes underwater, winds up on a bed, and the snake goes up her vagina. Makes perfect sense, doesn’t it? At this point I think we need to stop and notice that we have learned an important lesson. Fifty Shades Of Grey taught us that if you are a female English major then you’ll end up negotiating the use of butt plugs. But Lady Terminator teaches us that if you are a female Anthropology major then a snake will go up your vagina and turn you into a killing machine. Maybe major in Computer Science instead. Just saying.

See, I wasn't kidding. That's why we call it the vagina snake.

See, I wasn’t kidding. That’s why we call it the vagina snake.

Anyway, once the we really were inspired by the legend of the South Sea Queen and not The Terminator portion is over, the fun begins. And by fun, I mean almost a scene for scene copy of The Terminator, but with some differences to keep it exciting while doing those scenes well.

Emerging From The Water Naked

Emerging From The Water Naked

Lady Terminator Vision

Lady Terminator Vision

Shootout In A Club. Complete with getting shot to the ground, then popping back up.

Shootout In A Club. Complete with getting shot to the ground, then popping back up.

The Car Chase

The Car Chase

Crashing The Car Into The Police Station

Crashing The Car Into The Police Station

Cutting Out The Eyeball

Cutting Out The Eyeball

They even have somebody say Arnold’s name and the Kyle Reese character says, “Come with me if you want to live”. They also have the love scene together. I wish there was more to say, but telling you every added element would be spoiling it.

With all that out of the way. The question is whether this is worth seeing. You see the title. You know it’s a ripoff. You think of the Turks. You wonder is it worth your time.

Hell, yeah! It’s a lot of fun. It’s not as good as the real thing, but they did a damn fine job. I just wish they had made more of these movies with Barbara Anne Constable: Lady Rambo, Lady Die Hard, Lady Under Siege. Considering there is a new, legitimate, Terminator movie out, then this is a perfect way to take a trip back to the original, but with a fun twist.

Carry A Big Gun

Carry A Big Gun

5 responses to “Film Review: Lady Terminator (1989, dir. H. Tjut Djalil as Jalil Jackson)

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