Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Saturdays, I will be reviewing Saved By The Bell, which ran on NBC from 1989 to 1993. The entire show can be purchased on Prime!
This week, the school is torn apart by a date auction!
Episode 3.12 “Date Auction”
(Dir by Don Barnhart, originally aired on November 9th, 1991)
The cheerleaders need to buy new uniforms but they’re informed that Bayside doesn’t have enough money in their budget. (That’s what they get for not drilling for oil on the football field). Zack suggests that the cheerleader cheer “in their bikinis.” Kelly suggests a date auction to raise money because “lots of people would bet on Zack and Slater!” Jessie, who views the whole idea as being sexist, announce that she will not be bidding and then proceeds to threaten any girl who would even think of bidding on Slater.
At the auction, one of the many Bayside nerds is purchased, for 15 cents, by a girl who wears glasses. “Awwwww!” say the audience and they should because they’re a cute couple.
Lisa purchases student council vice president Brian Watkins (Patrick J. Dancy). Brian is an intellectual who loves Catcher In The Rye. (“I love baseball!” Lisa says). Brian insinuates that Lisa is too shallow for him so Lisa pretends to be an intellectual too. When Kelly tells Lisa that she’s not showing her true self, Lisa replies, “This Lisa has a boyfriend. The old Lisa didn’t.” Awww, what a sad line! Actually, why doesn’t Lisa just go out with Jessie’s stepbrother? They seemed to have a lot of chemistry. For that matter, where is Jessie’s stepbrother?
No one bids on Slater until Kelly, feeling sorry for him, finally speaks up and purchases a date with him. An angry Jessie slaps down $25.00 and ends up buying a date with Screech.
Finally, Zack comes out on stage. There’s a bidding frenzy. Eventually, Wendy (Judy Carmen) announces that she’s bidding a hundred dollars. A shocked Zack is sold to Wendy. Zack doesn’t know how to react because Wendy is — wait for it — overweight!
This episode features both Zack and Jessie at their absolute worst. Jessie, at least, eventually sees the error of her ways and ends up not only going to the dance with Screech but also forgiving Slater. Zack, on the other hand, attempts to get out of the date by faking an old track injury. Of course, Zack then goes surfing. Did Zack think Wendy wouldn’t hear about that?
Wendy breaks off her date with Zack and the audience applauds. Even they know that Zack is being a jerk. Zack goes to the dance alone and sits with the nerds (including the guy who was purchased for 15 cents). When Wendy shows up, Zack walks up to her and asks her to dance. Wendy agrees but then Zack ruins the moment by saying that he just feels guilty about the way he treated her. Wendy doesn’t want Zack’s pity.
Now, that is where the episode should have ended. Zack screwed up twice. He’s humiliated at the school dance. Wendy has stood up for herself. A lesson has been learned. Instead, Zack then apologizes to Wendy for a third time and invites her to go to the Max after the dance. He also turns down Lydia when the latter asks him to dance. In regards to going to the Max, Wendy says, “I’d like that.”
“And I like you,” Zack says, sounding a bit like a serial killer who is trying to lure his latest victim into his basement.
If anything, Zack is even more condescending at the end of this episode then he was at the start. But the audience is now on his side. That’s the important thing.
The other important thing is that Lisa dumps Brian after he starts complaining about her friends. “Mr. Too Much Attitude!” Lisa calls him. That’s a line that I’ve used several times since I first watched this episode, usually while talking to a cat. That said, I do wish the episode had taken the time to explain that, even if Brian was a jerk, it’s still not a bad idea to read a book and expand your mind. Remember when Zack read about Chief Joseph?
As for Wendy and Brian, they will never be seen again. Maybe they started hanging out with Jessie’s stepbrother….
