Felony (1994, directed by David A. Prior)

Posted on by Jedadiah Leland

In New Orleans, a drug raid gone wrong leads to eleven cops being gunned down and then blown up.  The disastrous raid was being filmed for a Cops-like reality show  The show’s producer, Bill Knight (Jeffrey Combs) finds himself being pursued through New Orleans by a collection of rogue intelligence agents, cops, and gangsters, all of whom want the tape of the massacre.

It’s a simple direct-to-video premise and the film’s plot hits every chase film cliche, while keeping the action moving at a decent pace.  Bill Knight is not supposed to be a typical action hero.  He’s just a television producer who was in the wrong place at the wrong time.  Yet Knight proves himself to be as indestructible as any Arnold Schwarzenegger hero.  He gets shot, twice.  He falls from a great height.  He crashes through a window.  He repeatedly gets hit over the head.  And yet, his injuries never seem to really slow him down or even hurt that much.  He does hook up with a nurse (Ashley Laurence) but still, it’s hard to believe anyone could take that much punishment and keep running.  Jeffrey Combs, the brilliant star of films like Re-Animator, is miscast as Knight but he’s still always entertaining to watch.

In fact, the cast is the main thing that Felony has going for it.  David Prior was able to assemble a true group of B-movie all-stars.  Lance Henriksen and David Warner are the evil intelligence agents who are determined to kill Knight.  (Warner finally gets to handle a grenade launcher and we’re all the better for it.)  Leo Rossi and Charles Napier are the two New Orleans cops who are investigating the drug raid.  Joe Don Baker is the rogue intelligence agent who dresses like a cowboy and who is trying to clean up everyone else’s mess.  The cast keeps the action moving and there are enough eccentric personalities in this film that it’s always watchable.  I think this might be the only film to feature Joe Don Baker and Lance Henriksen performing opposite each other.  If nothing else, it deserves to be watched for that!

(The cover for Felony features Lance Henriksen and Leo Rossi but not Jeffrey Combs, even though Combs is the lead in the film and Rossi’s role is actually pretty small.  Henriksen also doesn’t have blonde hair in the movie.  There are plenty of double crosses in the movie but I can’t think of any that really qualify as the “ultimate double cross.”)

Even with its miscast lead and its cliche-heavy plot, Felony is what direct-to-video action movies should be all about, fact-paced action and a cast unlike any other,

 

Retro Television Review: The Love Boat 5.29 “Mothers Don’t Do That/Marrying For Money/Substitute Lover”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Wednesdays, I will be reviewing the original Love Boat, which aired on ABC from 1977 to 1986!  The series can be streamed on Paramount Plus!

This week, season 5 comes to a close!

Episode 5.29 “Mothers Don’t Do That/Marrying for Money/Substitute Lover”

(Dir by Jerome Courtland, originally aired on May 15th, 1982)

Glamorous Marian Healy (Eva Gabor) boards the boat and is reunited with the son that she barely knows, Danny (Brad Savage).  Danny, however, reads Marian’s diary and declares, “Mother don’t do that!”  Hey, you little brat, how do you think you came into existence?

Meanwhile, yet another old high friend of Julie’s board the boat and proceeds to lie to a passenger.  It seems like this happened every week.  This time, it’s Bert (Eddie Mekka) who pretends to be the pen pal of Marla Bennett (Audrey Landers).  Don’t worry, Marla forgives Bert when she learns the truth.  If there’s anything I’ve learned from watching The Love Boat, it’s that romantic relationships that start off with some horrible lie always work out for the best.

Finally, Gopher and Isaac are worried that Lola Trout (Caren Kaye) is trying to kill her new husband, Orville (Arte Johnson), by forcing him to exercise.  They can’t think of any other reason why Lola would marry Arte, other than to murder him and take his money.  If they spent more time watching Fantasy Island, they would know that there are simpler ways to kill your husband than by making him exercise.  You could challenge him to a pentathlon for instance….

This was the final episode of the fifth season and everyone seemed to be a little bit tired.  None of the three stories is particularly developed and you can really tell that everyone’s eager to get off the boat and spend some time on dry land.  That’s fine.  Season 5 was a pretty good season, even with that terrible musical episode.  Everyone deserves a break and if that means the finale is a bit underwhelming, so be it!

Next week, we start Season 6!  I have a feeling I will never finish reviewing this series and that’s okay.  The Love Boat is a show that I could happily watch forever!

 

MAN WITH A CAMERA (TV Series) – starring Charles Bronson – S1, E2: The Warning

Posted on by Bradley Crain

This episode opens with Mike Kovac (Charles Bronson) receiving an anonymous phone call to come to the corner of Myers St. and Brooklyn Ave., and he’s told to bring his camera! When he gets there, he’s forced at gunpoint by two masked man to take a picture as they kill another man. After the killers drive off, Kovac immediately calls the police. We meet Lt. Abrams (Robert Ellenstein), who tells Kovac that the dead man is a new merchant in town named Sam Bartlett (Bill Erwin) who has been refusing to pay the head of the local protection racket, Glenn Markey (Berry Kroeger). Lt. Abrams asks Kovac to let them plant a story in the paper that says they have an eyewitness to the murder, ace photographer Mike Kovac. Worried that he might be the next man to get killed, Kovac turns him down. Not feeling good about refusing to help the police, Kovac goes to see his dad Anton and tells him the story. Shocked to hear that his son has refused to help the police, especially since it could help put an end to Marky’s reign of terror, Anton asks his son if it’s because he’s afraid. Somewhat shamed into it, Kovac finally agrees and calls Lt. Abrams and tells him they can run the story saying he witnessed the murder. Wouldn’t you know it, the next night Glenn Markey and his funky bunch kidnap Anton in order to force Kovac’s hand. Will Kovac be able to save his dad, and his own skin in the process? Will the police be any help? 

“The Warning” seems to be built upon an irrational request from the police of Mike Kovac… let us plant a fake story and put your life in danger so we can hopefully catch the killer as he tries to kill you. When Kovac refuses to be used that way, as any other rational human being would, Lt. Abrams tells him he’d been told that “Mike Kovac doesn’t scare easily. Guess I heard wrong.” It’s bad enough when anyone implies you’re a coward, but when Mike’s own dad seems disappointed that he’s not helping the police out of fear, Mike is almost forced to help. This is not how it would go down if I found myself in this position, and my dad would be on my side! Even though the premise is somewhat flimsy, there are definitely some good moments in the episode. Once Markey has kidnapped his “Pop,” Kovac turns into the badass Bronson we’ve been waiting for. I enjoyed this tough guy exchange as Markey tries to force Kovac to come with him at gunpoint, not knowing Kovac has brought his own gun:

Markey – “This gun says you’re coming along with me.”

Kovac – “This gun says I’m not.”

Markey – “You’re bluffing, Kovak.”

Kovac – “You just think about that when these slugs start ripping into your body. Maybe it’ll be a comfort to you.”

I also like it when Anton admits he was wrong at the end. After somewhat shaming his son into helping the police, and then having to be rescued later, Anton says, “You were right Michael, these things are dangerous. The next time the police ask for your help, you say NO!” It’s a funny, and more realistic, conclusion to the episode! 

Overall, I enjoyed the episode very much, mainly because of Bronson’s strong central performance. I’m looking forward to seeing where the series goes from here! 

I Watched Flashing Spikes (1962, Dir. by John Ford)

Posted on by Dazzling Erin

When infielder Bill Riley (Patrick Wayne) makes an error that costs his team the game, sports columnist Rex Short (Carleton Young) claims that he witnessed Bill being paid off by Slim Conway (James Stewart).  Slim is a former player who was banned from Major League Baseball after he was accused of taking a bribe from a gambler.

Most the movie is a flashback, showing how Bill first met Slim when Slim was playing for a barnstorming team of former major leaguers.  That was my favorite part of the movie.  Slim and a collection of old, worn-out men stumble out of their bus and even though they might move a little slower and they might need to stretch a little more before swinging a bat, they still show up a cocky team made up of young local players.  Even after the crowd nearly riots when they realize that Slim is one of the players, the old players keep their cool and their eye on the game.  After Bill spikes Slim while sliding into home plate, Bill apologizes.  Slim remembers the young man’s humility and, working with one of the few friends that he has left in the game, Slim helps Bill get his chance in the Majors.

Usually, when my sister yells at me to come watch something because “it’s got baseball!,” I’m prepared for it turn out to just be a movie with one scene of someone holding a bat.  I’m glad that she called me to come watch Flashing Spikes with her because it really is a good and loving celebration of my favorite game.  Even after Slim is treated so unfairly by the press, the League, and even some of the fans, he never stops loving the crack of the bats and the cheers of the crowd.  Flashing Spikes is unabashedly pro-baseball and Slim stands in for every player who was ever unfairly railroaded out of the game by scandal mongers like Rex Short.

4 Shots From 4 Films: Special Dinosaur Day Edition

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

4 Shots From 4 Films is just what it says it is, 4 shots from 4 of our favorite films. As opposed to the reviews and recaps that we usually post, 4 Shots From 4 Films lets the visuals do the talking!

Today is Dinosaur Day and you know what that means!  It’s time for….

4 Shots From 4 Dinosaur Films

The Ghost of Slumber Mountain (1918, dir by Willis O’Brien, DP: Willis O’Brien)

One Million Years B.C. (1966, dir by Don Chaffey, DP: Wilkie Cooper)

Planet of the Dinosaurs (1978, dir by James Shea, DP: Henning Schellerup)

Carnosaur (1993, dir by Adam Simon, DP: Keith Holland)

Late Night Retro Television Review: Pacific Blue 2.5 “Point Blank”

Posted on by Lisa Marie Bowman

Welcome to Late Night Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past! On Tuesdays, I will be reviewing Pacific Blue, a cop show that aired from 1996 to 2000 on the USA Network!  It’s currently streaming everywhere, though I’m watching it on Tubi.

This week, the bike patrol’s stupidity and worthlessness puts everyone at risk.  What are they thinking!?

Episode 2.5 “Point Blank”

(Dir by Michael Levine, originally aired on September 21st, 1996)

A report comes in about an armed robbery so TC and Chris speed off on their bicycles to catch the guy …. *snicker*

I’m sorry, I need a minute to stop laughing.

Anyway, TC gets knocked off of his bike by the robber, who proceeds to steal TC’s gun.  Oh my God, TC’s such a dumbass!  The real cops show up in their cars and Chris is all like, “Go get the robber while I tend to my fallen colleague and his totally rocking bicycle.”  Seriously, Chris is kind of rude about it, frantically motioning at them to go after the robber.  What else do you think they were going to do, Chris?

While TC searches for his gun, Chris discovers that someone has signed her up for a video dating service.  Chris, who is always complaining about how she can’t get a date, complains about having too many dates.  Then she complains that none of her dates work out, largely because of her whiny and abrasive personality.

Meanwhile, a little kid has lost his dog.  Del Toro and Cory suspect that the pet has been kidnapped and sold to a research lab.  They go from one sleazy kennel to another, searching for the dog.  They take the kid with them and probably traumatize him for life.  The good thing is that they save the dog and break up the dognapping ring.  The bad thing is that their story and likable chemistry still has to share the screen with Chris whining and TC searching for his lost gun.

TC’s gun eventually lands in the hands of a bullied teenager who promptly threatens to shoot his bullies.  But he changes his mind and instead give the gun back to TC.  TC’s praises the kid for doing the right thing.  To be honest, the kid threatened to kill three people.  Haul him off to jail, TC!  DO YOUR JOB, BICYCLE BOY!

I swear, this show….