TV Review: Twin Peaks: The Return Part 14 (dir by David Lynch)

Posted on August 15, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi, everyone!

Obviously, I’m running behind this week. Usually, I post my recap of the latest episode of Twin Peaks: The Return within a few hours of the episode’s premiere. This week, I’m a day behind and I apologize. I could give you all sorts of excuses as to why I’m running behind but I won’t waste your time with that. Instead, I’ll simply quote Laura Dern from Blue Velvet: “It’s a strange world, isn’t it?”

Fortunately, the Trashfilm Guru is a lot more dependable than I am. Check out his thoughts on Part 14 by clicking here!

Anyway, speaking of strange worlds…

Part 14 opens with Gordon Cole (David Lynch) in South Dakota, calling Sheriff Truman (Robert Forster) in Twin Peaks. While I know some people are frustrated with any episode that doesn’t open with Kyle MacLachlan either staring blankly at Janey-E or killing someone, I have to say that I always feel somewhat comforted when Gordon shows up. Some of that is because Gordon is a lot how I imagine David Lynch to be in real life, right down to the corny jokes and the earnest encouragement. However, there’s also the fact that Lynch has grown tremendously as an actor. If you watch the original Twin Peaks, Cole comes across as largely being a one-joke character. Sometimes it’s funny and sometimes, it’s not. However, in the revival, Gordon has emerged as one of the most compelling characters around.

Anyway, Truman lets Gordon know about the pages from Laura’s diary that were found earlier and mentions that the pages indicate that there are “two Coopers.” Gordon thanks him for the information and wishes all the best to both of the Truman brothers.

Meanwhile, Albert (Miguel Ferrer) tells Tammy (Chrysta Bell) about the very first blue rose case. It involved a murder in Washington, the death of a woman named Lois Duffy. Lois’s murder was witnessed by Cole and Philip Jeffries. As Albert tells it, Lois mentioned “blue roses” as she died. Her body then vanished. A woman, who looked exactly like Lois Duffy and who claimed to be Lois Duffy, was arrested for the murder but later hung herself in her cell. Tammy figures out that blue roses are not natural, they do not occur in nature. The dying woman was not a natural thing.

Cole steps into the room, announcing that he’s “got it.” After Cole spends a while flinching at the sound of a particularly aggressive window washer doing his job, they are joined by Diane (Laura Dern). Diane lights a cigarette and tells everyone to fuck off. Typical Diane.

Cole asks Diane about the last time she saw Cooper and whether he mentioned Major Briggs. Diane replies that she doesn’t want to talk about that night but she does eventually say that Cooper did mention Briggs. Albert tells her about Briggs’s death in the fire and the subsequent discovery of her headless body in South Dakota. He also mentions that a ring was found in Briggs stomach, a ring with an inscription that indicates that it was a gift to Dougie from Janey-E. A shocked Diane says that Janey-E is her estranged half-sister.

OH MY GOD!!!!!

Gordon calls the Las Vegas FBI office and tells Special Agent Headley (Jay R. Ferguson) that he wants Douglas Jones and Janey-E to be picked up on suspicion of having been involved with a double murder. Headley is quite enthusiastic about tracking Dougie down. As he yells at a subordinate, “THIS IS WHAT WE DO IN THE FBI!”

Back in South Dakota, Diane leaves the room. Cole tells Albert and Tammy about Sheriff Truman and the Two Coopers.

“And last night,” Cole continues, “I had another Monica Bellucci dream.”

In the dream, Gordon was in Paris on a case. He met with Monica Bellucci (who plays herself) at a cafe. Cole says that Cooper was at the cafe but he couldn’t see his face. Monica, Cole, and Monica’s friends had coffee. Monica said, “We’re like the dreamer who dreams and then lives inside the dream….but, who is the dreamer?”

In the dream, Monica told Cole to look over his shoulder. Cole did so and he saw a younger version of himself. Cole watched as the younger version of himself talked to Cooper (Kyle MacLachlan) about a dream that Cooper had. Suddenly, Phillip Jeffries (David Bowie, seen in archive footage from Twin Peaks: Fire Walk With Me) entered the office and pointed at Cooper.

“Who do you think that is!?” Jeffries said.

Back in the present, Cole says, “This has given me a lot to think about.”

(This entire sequence — from Cole calling Truman to Albert and Tammy talking to Cole’s dream — is absolutely brilliant and among the best work that Lynch has ever done as a director and an actor.)

Meanwhile, at the Twin Peaks Sheriff’s Department, Andy (Harry Goaz), Hawk (Michael Horse), and Boddy (Dana Ashbrook) are getting ready to go hiking to the place where Major Briggs used to take Bobby as a boy. But first, they arrest everyone’s least favorite corrupt asshole, Deputy Chad (John Pirruccello).

In the woods, while a faint electrical hum is heard in the background, Truman, Andy, Hawk, and Bobby make their way to the location that they were given in Briggs’s note. They find Naido (Nae Yuuki), a naked woman with no eyes, lying at the base of a tree. As Andy, the most kind-hearted of the group, rushes over to the help her, a vortex appears in the sky above him.

Suddenly, Andy’s siting in the same black-and-white room where this season began. Across from him is the Giant (Carel Struycken).

“I am the Fireman,” the Giant says.

Andy has visions of … well, of the series so far. He sees the dark figures at the gas station. He sees the Woodsman demanding, “Gotta light?” He sees Laura Palmer, with angels on either side of her. He sees Cooper and the Doppelganger. He sees himself leading Lucy into the lobby of the sheriff’s department. He sees electrical pole #6, the same pole in front of which Richard Horne ran over that little boy.

Suddenly, Andy is back in the woods. He is carrying Naido and he seems very confident of what needs to be done. “We have to get her off the mountain,” Andy says, “She is very important. There are people who want her dead. She’s fine physically. If we put her in a cell, she’ll be safe. Don’t tell anybody about this.”

(Of course, no one mentions that Naido doesn’t have any eyes.)

Back at the sheriff’s department, Lucy gives Naido some old pajamas and says she hopes they’re okay. Naido remains silent as Andy locks her up in a cell. After Andy and Lucy leave, a drunk in another cell starts to make monkey noises while the recently incarcerated Chad yells at him to shut up. Suddenly, Naido starts to softly murmur in her cell.

“It’s a fucking nuthouse!” Chad says.

“Fucking nuthouse,” the drunk replies, repeating Chad’s words in a way that reminded me of the way Dougie communicates with people in Vegas.

As Chad lies down in his cell, we see that the drunk is bleeding and a pool of blood is forming at his feet.

At the Great Northern, security guard James Hurley (James Marshall) is talking to another guard, Freddie Sykes (Jake Wardle). Freddie is originally from the UK and always wears a glove over his left hand. It’s James birthday and all he wants is for Freddie to explain why he always wears the glove.

Freddie explains that he can’t take the glove off. He tried once and his hand started bleeding. Freddie explains that one night, in London, he was sucked up into a vortex. A giant called The Fireman told him to go to a hardware store, find an open package of gloves, and put on only one glove. The glove gives Freddie super strength, which he discovered when he broke the neck of a man trying to prevent him from taking the glove. It was only after apparently killing this man that Freddie remembered that the Giant also told him to move to Twin Peaks, Washington. “There,” Freddie says the Giant told him, “you’ll find your destiny.”

James thanks Freddie for the story and then goes to check on the hotel’s furnace. As he does so, he hears an electrical hum, much like the one that was previously heard in Ben Horne’s office.

Meanwhile, Sarah Palmer (Grace Zabriskie) walks up to a sleazy bar. As she approaches, we hear the same electrical sound that we previously heard while Truman and the deputies were walking through the woods. Inside the bar, Sarah is harassed by a drunk who just won’t take no for an answer. So, Sarah opens her face, revealing the darkness underneath the human surface.

“Do you really want to fuck with this?” she asks, before closing her face and then biting the man’s neck and ripping out his throat…

OH MY GOD!!!!!

Sarah’s possessed! Well, we already knew that Sarah had psychic powers but … but… but….

Seriously, oh my God!

That said, I don’t blame Sarah. That guy was a jerk. We’ve all been there.

At the Roadhouse, two women — Megan (Shane Lynch) and Sophie (Emily Stofle) — talk about getting high, stealing, avoiding the nut house, and a missing acquaintance named Billy. Megan says that, when she last saw Billy, he was storming in and out of her kitchen, with blood coming from his nose. It is also revealed that Megan’s mom is named Tina. If all these names sound familiar, it’s because we already know that Audrey Horne has been 1) having an affair with Billy and 2) has a friend named Tina.

And so concludes a very intriguing episode of Twin Peaks: The Return.

To recap: Janey-E is Diane’s half-sister. The Fireman is sending people to Twin Peaks. And Billy and Tina actually do exist and aren’t just figments of Audrey’s imagination.

With only 4 episodes left, who knows where all of this is going to lead…

Twin Peaks on TSL:

Music Video of the Day: Slow Acid by Calvin Harris (2014, dir by Emil Nava)

Posted on August 14, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi, everyone! Lisa here with today’s music video of the day!

I’ve heard a lot of different opinions as to what exactly is being portrayed in the video for Calvin Harris’s Slow Acid. Some people think that the woman in the video has been passed out in an alley and this video is supposed to represent her dream (or nightmare, depending on how you feel about holding up convenience stores). Some people think that the blueish tint of the woman’s skin is meant to indicate that she’s on drugs or she’s had too much to drink. (Personally, I find the tint to be more silvery than blueish.) There’s a lot of debate as to whether she’s dead or just asleep at the end of the video. The first time I ever saw this video, I assumed she was supposed to be a robot.

Then again, “she was supposed to be a robot” is pretty much my automatic go-to interpretation for almost everything. You’d be surprised how often I turn out to be right.

Anyway, I really don’t care what the exact meaning is. I just like Calvin Harris and this song. You can dance to it. People sometimes forget how important that is.

Anyway, this was directed by Emil Nava, who has worked on a lot of videos since 2009.

22 Initial Thoughts on Twin Peaks: The Return Part 14 (dir by David Lynch)

Posted on August 13, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi, everyone! Obviously I’m getting a little bit of late start on Twin Peaks tonight. As always, these are just my initial thoughts. A full recap will show up either tonight or tomorrow. (Probably tomorrow because I’m getting a late start…)

Apparently, Showtime is not planning on doing any further seasons of Twin Peaks. They used Twin Peaks to meet their quota of new subscribers and now they can concentrate on stuff like I’m Dying Up Here.
Yay! Gordon’s on the phone!
I love David Lynch’s performance as Gordon Cole. I have to admit that, whenever I imagine what David Lynch is like in real life, I always imagine him telling corny jokes and adjusting a hearing aide.
Oh my God! Diane’s related to Janey-E!
Diane, how can you hate your sister? Sisters are the best!
Monica Bellucci?
Ha! Fuck you, Chad! Corrupt cops are the worst.
So, just to make sure that I understand … Monica Bellucci is some sort of supernatural being?
The blogger known as Jedadiah Leland just assured me that she is.
Agck! I find the lack of eyes to be disturbing.
Oh my God! Of all the people to take this trip, why Deputy Andy?
“Got a light?” No, you bastard! Get outta here and leave Andy alone!
Andy’s giving orders! It’s about time.
It’s sweet that Lucy is concerned about whether the eyeless woman likes the pajamas.
James Hurley is a security guard now? And his colleague know him as Jimmy?
Okay, so where has the suddenly important Freddie Sykes been hiding all this time?
This guy at the bar is bothering Sarah. He says it’s a free country. What a jerk, I hope she tells him off…
Oh my God, she just took off her face…
OH MY GOD, SHE JUST RIPPED OUT HIS FUCKING THROAT!
Go, Sarah!
Hey, the guy was a jerk.
“Sure is a mystery, huh?”

Twin Peaks on TSL:

It is happening again.

Film Review: The Last Word (dir by Mark Pellington)

Posted on August 11, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

So, I watched The Last Word tonight.

It’s a film that premiered, earlier this year, at Sundance and then it got a very brief theatrical run. It was directed by Mark Pellington, who is one of those odd directors who, for some reason, I always assume is more talented than he is. Seriously, when I saw this was directed by Mark Pellington, I actually got excited. I was like, “Mark Pellington!? He’s great!” Then I realized that I wasn’t really sure who Mark Pellington was. I looked him up on Wikipedia and I realized that I was mistaking him for actor Mark Pellegrino. Mark Pellegrino played Jacob on Lost and is an outspoken Libertarian. Mark Pellington is some guy who started out in music videos and then eventually moved up to directing pedestrian films.

Anyway, the film stars Shirley MacClaine as this annoying old busybody who demands that Amanda Seyfried write her obituary because MacClaine wants to know what people are going to say about her after she’s dead. When Seyfried discovers that everyone hates MacClaine, she writes a boring and very short obit. “Everyone hates you,” she helpfully explains. So, MacClaine sets out to do some great things so that her obituary will have a little more spark. She’s going to set a fire of quirkiness, she is! Of course, this leads to MacClaine adopting a little black orphan, getting a job as a DJ at the local radio station (she plays boring adult contemporary music, of course. No EDM), and helping Seyfriend get a boyfriend.

To be honest, this film would probably be a lot more bearable if it was a prequel to Bernie, because then you would at least know that you could look forward to Jack Black showing up with a hunting rifle and putting everyone out of their misery. Unfortunately, that doesn’t happen. Instead, this is another one of those movies where a cranky old tyrant teaches all of us young folks how to better appreciate life.

Y’see, Shirley MacClaine is playing an oldster so she has a sharp tongue and she’s always putting people in their place. Because she had to struggle, we’re supposed to ignore the fact that she spends most of her time making everyone around her miserable.

Amanda Seyfried, on the other hand, is a millennial so she puts her feet on her boss’s desk and has no direction in her life. Why, she just needs some annoying, elderly busybody to come into her life and make her listen to smooth jazz. She might even get a hipster boyfriend out of the deal! (Of course, her potential hipster boyfriend is a 2008-style hipster as opposed to a 2017-style hipster.)

Meanwhile, AnnJewel Lee Dixon (as the little girl that MacClaine adopts) is a plot device so she doesn’t do anything unless the script specifically needs her to humanize the other characters. She gets to dance towards the end of the film.

Oh, and then there’s Anne Heche. She plays MacClaine’s estranged daughter. The reunion between her and MacClaine is so overwritten and overperformed that some viewers will probably be inspired to rip out their hair while watching it.

Hey, did I mention that there’s a scene where MacClaine does something quirky and all of the supporting characters break out into applause? I think we’re supposed to clap to but I think most members of the audience will be too busy ripping out their hair by the handful.

Fortunately, I really love my hair so I resisted the temptation to start plucking strands out of my head while watching the film. It wasn’t easy, though. To be honest, the pain of plucking a strand of hair is nothing compared to the pain of watching the first fifteen minutes of this film and realizing that you already know every thing that’s going to happen. By the time that the priest showed up and started to cry while talking about a time that MacClaine’s character had been rude to him, I imagine that viewers with less self-control were halfway bald. But, as I said, I love my hair too much to take my frustration out on it. Instead, I just kicked the coffee table a few times. Now, my foot hurts. Ow.

Seeing as how Shirley MacClaine is one of the last of the truly great actresses from Hollywood’s Golden Age and she actually does give a pretty good performance (when the script allows her), it’s a shame that the rest of the movie is such a let down. Then again, this film is full of talented people who are let down by an overwritten script and Mark Pellington’s painfully obvious direction. This is one of those films that tries to hard to be profound that it forgets the importance of being entertaining.

As I watched this movie, I took a glance at Mark Pellington’s filmography. Did you know that he directed The Mothman Prophecies? The Last Word really could have used a visit from the Mothman. Seriously, this film was crying out for a scene of MacClaine putting Mothman in his place. The fact that Mothman did not appear leads me to wonder what exactly this film was hiding.

Seriously, why are the people behind The Last Word protecting the Mothman?

Music Video Of The Day: Atomic by Blondie (1980, directed by David Mallett)

Posted on August 9, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Hi! Lisa here, filling in for Val, with today’s music video of the day!

Before anyone asks, my selection of this music video has absolutely nothing to do with the current situation between the U.S. and North Korea. To be honest, when I picked this video, I didn’t even know that was going on. The fact that I picked Atomic at a time when everyone is freaking out about nuclear war is just one of those coincidences that helps to keep life interesting!

No, the reason I picked this video was because I’m getting ready to finally watch T2 Trainspotting but, before I watch T2, I have to rewatch the original Trainspotting. Sleeper’s cover of Atomic is prominently featured in Trainspotting and I have to admit that I’ve always liked that chorus of “Your hair is beautiful.” I’ve always loved my hair.

(My boyfriend got excited when I told him I would be featuring this song because apparently, he used to listen to it while running down pedestrians in Grand Theft Auto. And, actually, I can imagine this would be a pretty good driving music.)

Anyway, I did some research to see if I could explain just what exactly this song is actually about. It turns out that the song is actually about nothing. Courtesy of Songfacts, here is Blondie’s lead singer, Debbie Harry, on how Atomic came to be:

“He (Blondie Keyboardist Jimmy Destri) was trying to do something like ‘Heart Of Glass,’ and then somehow or another we gave it the spaghetti western treatment. Before that it was just lying there like a lox. The lyrics, well, a lot of the time I would write while the band were just playing the song and trying to figure it out. I would just be scatting along with them and I would just start going, ‘Ooooooh, your hair is beautiful.'”

While the video takes place in a post-apocalyptic world (and features artist Jean-Michel Basquiat as the man who takes away the horse at the beginning), the song actually has nothing to do with nuclear war. It’s actually not about anything. It’s just a good song!

Enjoy!

Let’s Talk About Sharknado 5 (dir by Anthony C. Ferrante)

Posted on August 6, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

I just watched the latest installment in the Sharknado franchise on SyFy and what can I say? I don’t want to spoil anything for anyone who hasn’t seen the film yet so I’ll just say this:

Sharknado 5 is the best Sharknado yet!

Seriously, it’s amazing when you think about it. The annual premiere of the latest Sharknado film has literally become a national holiday. If you were to judge solely by what was happening on twitter tonight, you would be totally justified in thinking that literally everyone in the world was watching Sharknado 5. Who would have thought that a franchise about sharks in a tornado would become a pop cultural milestone? At this time, when the country seems so divided, Sharknado 5 brought us all together. That, in itself, is no small accomplishment.

But beyond that, these film are consistently and surprisingly entertaining. Considering that it was the fifth film in this particular franchise, Sharknado 5 felt remarkably fresh and creative. Have no doubt, Sharknado 5 had everything that you would expect from a Sharknado film. You had Ian Ziering grimacing as he manfully beat up sharks. You had Tara Reid acting like a super hero. To the delight of many on twitter, Cassie Scerbo returned as Nova, who is now the leader of the Sharknado Sisterhood.

(My friend Ian Rice tweeted me, during the movie: “What is that (the Sharknado Sisterhood)?”

“The Sharknado sisterhood follows and monitors sharknados across the world,” I tweeted back.

After a minute or two, Ian replied: “I’m sorry I asked, LMB.”)

Of course, the script was full of one liners and deliberately bad puns, all of which were delivered with a straight face by the dedicated members of the cast. There were plenty of homages and references to other films, including Raiders of the Lost Ark and Back to the Future. The special effects were cheap in the most likable way imaginable. And yes, there were celebrity cameos but — as opposed to what happened with Sharknado 4, Sharknado 5 did not allow those camoes to distract from the story being told. Yes, Abby Lee Miller got eaten by a shark. Yes, Geraldo Rivera got sucked out of a blimp. But Sharknado 5 never lost its focus.

And what was that focus? Well, basically, Finn accidentally created another sharknado. No big deal, right? I mean, Finn specializes in destroying those right? Unfortunately, this time, Finn and April’s son, Gil, got sucked into the sharknado. So, for most of the film, Finn and April were chasing the Sharknado across the world while Gil spun around inside of it.

Of course, while Finn chased the latest sharknado, the world was being destroyed by flying sharks. A lot of famous landmarks ended up getting destroyed. Actually, at the rate that these movies go, I’m shocked that there are any monuments or memorials left. It was not an easy life for Finn but, fortunately, the Pope showed up and gave him a blessed chainsaw and…

Okay, never mind! Are you expecting a movie about a tornado full of sharks to make any sense!? What’s important is that the film is a lot of fun and Ian Ziering and Tara Reid, to their credit, are still going out of their way to make their characters vaguely credible.

What sets Sharknado 5 apart from the other Sharknado films is that, about an hour into the film (80 minutes if you’re watching with commercials), Sharknado 5 takes a very, very dark turn. People who you don’t expect to die, die. Places that you don’t expect to see destroyed end up getting destroyed. It all ends with an homage to one final film and a cliffhanger. You don’t want to miss it!

And I’m certainly not going to want to miss Sharknado 6.

Let’s Talk About Trailer Park Shark (dir by Griff Furst)

Posted on August 5, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh hell yeah!

Listen, if you ever find yourself being unexpectedly menaced by a shark, you’re going to want a redneck around. Trust me on this. I may not be one myself but I’ve grown up around rednecks and I feel a lot safer around them than I do with sensitive types from up north. Seriously, if you’re under shark attack, who do you want protecting you? A guy with a gun and a cooler full of beer or someone who drives a Prius? Elon Musk may be smarter but, when it comes to sharks, Trace Adkins is going to be more helpful.

The other great thing about rednecks is that there’s nothing that they can’t do with duct tape. Give a redneck enough duct tape and a weather satellite and I guarantee that he’ll find a way to stop climate change. There’s a name for that: redneck ingenuity.

When I was watching Trailer Park Shark on Wednesday night, I was impressed with the amount of duct tape on display. As the main character, a redneck played by Thomas Ian Nicholas, was using duct tape to solve yet another problem, I tweeted that I was enjoying the music playing in the background. To me, it sounded like something that Ennio Morricone would have come up with for a spaghetti western. It fit the scene perfectly because Trailer Park Shark is a film that make duct tape feel just as epic as the final cemetery confrontation in The Good, The Bad, and the Ugly. Andrew Morgan Smith, who did excellent work on the film’s score, informed me that the musical cue was called “Redneck Ingenuity.”

That’s a perfect name because, while Trailer Park Shark is about a lot of things, it is ultimately a celebration of redneck ingenuity and the never-give-up attitude of life in the Southern bayou. The characters in Trailer Park Shark have a lot to deal with. Because of a freak rains storm and some evil plotting by mean old Mr. Deconnard (Dennis Haskins), their trailer park has been flooded. And with the flood has come a shark! It would be easy to give up, especially when people and horses start getting eaten. But no one surrenders to fate! No one gives up!

It’s a lot of fun, as any movie about a shark attacking a trailer park should be. All of the characters in the park are memorable in their redneck way. Even with the majority of the park underwater and neighbors getting eaten left and right, they’re still just as likely to be fighting each other as they are the shark. While I personally have never lived in a trailer park, I’ve lived close to a few and I’ve spent a few nights visiting and this film gets the atmosphere just right. Griff Furst, who is something of a specialist when it comes to bayou chaos, brings this location to life. From the very first tracking shot to the film’s action-packed finale, the bayou feels alive. You can easily imagine this location and these people existing long before the cameras started rolling. The relationships feel real.

Speaking of feeling real, I always suspected that Dennis Haskins had the ability to play a really evil character. Seriously, go watch the earliest episodes of Saved By The Bell and you’ll see some hints of darkness underneath Mr. Belding’s goofy exterior. That said, Haskins does such a good job playing this film’s villain that you eventually forget that you’re watching Mr. Belding threatening to kill people. Instead, he’s just a very bad man with an interesting preference in weapons.

(Speaking of weapons, Tara Reid also shows up, playing a trailer park resident who has a wide variety of weapons at her disposal. Though her role is small, her appearance allows for some playful poking at the Sharknado franchise.)

I liked Trailer Park Shark. It’s a blast of pure entertainment and my favorite of the recent SyFy shark movies. Since SyFy reruns everything a hundred times, keep an eye out for it!

Watch it in honor of the rednecks who keep us safe from sharks, often at the cost of life, limb, and satellite dish.

Let’s Talk About Mississippi River Sharks (dir by Misty Talley)

Posted on August 5, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh my God — sharks in the Mississippi River!?

Hey, why not? Listen, SyFy has been showing shark films for over four years straight now. We’ve had zombie sharks. We’ve had toxic sharks. We had a ghost shark. We’ve had a planet of the sharks. The sharks have taken over the oceans. They’ve taken over the jersey shore. There’s even a movie called Sand Sharks, in which the sharks take over the beach! And, let’s not forget that SyFy and the Asylum have built an entire franchise around the idea that sharks can survive in a tornado. (And I haven’t even mentioned what happens in Shark Exorcist.)

My point is that there are a lot of shark movies and, as a result, the sharks are having to branch out and explore new aquatic territory. It was inevitable that the sharks would eventually find their way to the Mississippi River.

As soon as I saw the title of this movie, I thought to myself, “Please tell me that this movie will open with a big old riverboat getting attacked by sharks.” You can imagine how happy I was when, less than five minutes into the film, that’s exactly what happened. When you’re watching a movie on SyFy and you see a bunch of CGI sharks jumping onto the deck of a riverboat and snapping off people’s heads, you know you’re in a good hands. You know you’re going to be properly entertained for the next two hours.

Really, when it comes to shark movies, all you really need are the sharks and some victims who, for whatever reason, refuse to stay out of the water. However, Mississippi River Sharks offers a bit more than that. After the sharks get finished with that riverboat, they move on down the Mississippi and attack a small town’s annual “fish rodeo.” Needless to say, a fish rodeo always tends to attract the most eccentric among us and this one is no different. For instance, there’s Possum (Kevin J. McGrath), who isn’t going to let a little thing like a shark attack stand in the way of his quest to win a trophy. There’s Big Bill (Marco St. John), who owns the local car dealership and who doesn’t see why the presence of a few sharks should stand in the way of making a little money. There’s Wyatt (Dean West), who has a way with a quip and quickly emerged as a favorite of the viewing audience. And then there’s Tara (played by Cassie Steele, star of both Degrassi and Zombie Shark) who quickly shows that she knows just how to deal with ill-tempered sharks.

Finally, there’s Jason London, playing the role of …. Jason London! That’s right, Jason London plays himself in Mississippi River Sharks. In the film’s universe, Jason is well-known for starring in multiple editions of the Shark Bite franchise. (“We don’t talk about Shark Bite 3!” Jason snaps.) When Jason accepted the invitation to be the fish rodeo’s special celebrity guest, he never realized that he would have to face real-life sharks! However, when those sharks do arrive, this movie hero proves himself to be … well, not much of a hero. Watch the movie to see what happens. I’ll just say that London is hilarious and it’s a lot of fun to watch him pretending to be a pretentious and stuck-up movie star. He delivers his lines with just the right amount of weary annoyance.

(And yes, there is a Jeremy London joke but I won’t spoil it.)

(Also, it’s mentioned that Jason London also starred in Here Comes Santa Jaws and Raiders of the Lost Shark. Seriously, somebody needs to make these two films.)

Now that the sharks have invaded the Mississippi River, where will the sharks show up next year? Well, just remember this — the Mississippi River is the biggest river in the United States. Those sharks could end up anywhere. Personally, I’m hoping for Minnesota Winter Sharks.

We’ll see what happens!

Let’s Talk About 5 Headed Shark Attack (dir by Nico De Leon)

Posted on August 5, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

From our friends at the Asylum, here comes a movie about … well, it’s right there in the title.

This is a movie about a 5-Headed Shark. Now, I have to admit that, when this film premiered on SyFy last Sunday, my friends and I were a little confused as we watched. While it was true that the shark had multiple heads, we only counted four heads. That certainly made it superior to a mere 3-headed shark but still, we felt somewhat cheated. We were promised five heads!

Well, we should never have doubted the Asylum. Regardless of whether you get the Asylum’s sense of humor or not (and I happen to love it), this is a studio that always delivers exactly what it promises. The title promised us five heads and eventually, that fifth head did pop up. The reason why it took us a while to notice the fifth head was because it was actually on the back of the shark. That’s right. The shark had four heads in front and one head in back. For those of us watching, that fifth head quickly became something of a folk hero. We not only felt sorry for that head but we worried about whether it was getting enough to eat. It seemed like the front four heads were gobbling up all the divers while the fifth head had to settle for scraps.

Myself, I’m just wondering what’s going to happen when the inevitable 7-headed Shark Attack is released? Eventually, things are going to start to get a bit crowded on that shark.

Obviously, it takes a lot to feed a 5 Headed Shark. Fortunately, the island of Puerto Rico is always full of scientists, tourists, and people who just felt like wearing a bikini for the day. (Perhaps that’s why, along with a 5 headed shark, Puerto Rico also had to deal with a toxic shark this year. And who knows what’s going to happen when the latest Sharknado hits?) The 5 Headed Shark is constantly popping out of the ocean and eating anyone stupid or silly enough to get in the way. It even manages to take out a helicopter. It’s not an Asylum film unless at least one helicopter is blown up.

Some people, of course, aren’t happy about having a 5 headed shark eating everyone. Two police officers — apparently, the only two in Puerto Rico — get on a boat and search the ocean for it. And then there’s the staff of a nearby aquarium. The head of the aquarium would love to add a 5 headed shark to the collection so, of course, he and a scientist and a group of interns set sail for adventure and carnage. Helping them out is Red (Chris Bruno), who hunts all sorts of things and who just happens to have enough weapons lying around that he could probably invade a nearby island and set himself up as a dictator. Red owns a boat but you know what?

HE’S GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT!

Yes, that’s a Jaws reference. 5 Headed Shark Attack was full of them, as all Asylum shark movies are. That’s one reason why these movies are so much fun to watch. It’s a bit of a challenge, trying to catch all the references and shout outs. Asylum films, like this one, are always wonderfully meta. All of the characters in 5 Headed Shark Attack appear to be aware that they’re characters in a B-movie and they all accept their assigned roles and fate with proper enthusiasm. It’s pure entertainment and, as a result, a lot of fun to watch. It’s movie that encourages you to worry about nothing more than having a good time and maybe a few laughs.

In short, this is a movie that delivers exactly what it promises. The movie says it’s going to give you a 5 Headed Shark and that’s what you get.

Let’s Talk About Toxic Shark (dir by Cole Sharpe)

Posted on August 4, 2017 by Lisa Marie Bowman

Oh Hell yeah!

This past week has been Shark Week on SyFy! On Sunday, SyFy is going to premiere the latest Sharknado movie. As always, in the days before the latest chapter in the Sharknado saga, SyFy has been showing other shark-related films. Of course, my friends and I have been watching and live-tweeting all of these films. What makes the experience especially fun is that, often times, the filmmakers themselves will join in and tweet along with us. It’s a wonderful reminder that watching an original movie on SyFy should always be a community experience.

Take Toxic Shark for instance…

Toxic Shark premiered on Thursday night and I had a blast watching it. Need proof? Check out my tweets. But what made Toxic Shark especially fun was that I was watching it with my friends, a group of movie lovers who call themselves the Snarkalecs. We’ve been watching movies on SyFy since …. well, since forever. I joined them in 2011 but they were watching movies together before I even showed up. Even better, members of the cast and crew, including producer Neil Elman and editor Don Money, joined in the live tweet. Toxic Shark is an audience participation film. This is a movie for people who want to have a good time with their snarkiest and funniest friends. If you’re not talking back to the screen while watching Toxic Shark, you’re doing it wrong.

Toxic Shark is a film that, in many ways, centers around friendship. Two groups of friends are looking forward to relaxing at a singles retreat in Puerto Rico. Unfortunately, things don’t go quite as smoothly as you might hope. For one thing, it turns out that the retreat is being run by Reese (Eric Etebari, giving a hilarious performance), who is one of those people who you dread meeting at the gym. Along with that, local fisherman are disappearing. One of the singles, Ryan (Owen Saxon), worries over whether his shirt is too tight or not tight enough. (That might not sound like a big deal but he was quite concerned about it.) Body parts are washing up on the beach. Eden (Kabby Borders) is shocked to discover that her ex-boyfriend, Sam (Bryce Durfee), just happens to be at the retreat. Something attacks Gabby (Cirstina Jayo) when she goes out into the ocean. A yoga class get eaten. It may not be as bad as Fyre Festival but still…

Oh, wait a minute. I forgot to mention the biggest problem at the retreat. There is this giant shark that keeps jumping out the ocean and eating people. Seriously, that’ll ruin any vacation. But it’s not just that the shark is really big and fast. This shark has also become toxic! It can not only bite you in half but it can spew toxic waste on you as well…

But that’s not all! The bite of this shark also turns its victims into zombies! Yes, you read that correctly. Assuming you don’t accidentally get killed by Reese, there’s always the chance that the shark will eat you. And, if the shark doesn’t get you, the zombies will…

I mean, seriously, how can you not love that? Toxic Shark is a blast of pure chaotic fun, featuring beautiful beach scenery, hot people in swimsuits, and a kickass musical score. Everyone appears to be having a ball, running from sharks and turning into zombies. Kabby Borders and Bryce Durfee make for a likable couple (even when they’re arguing) and the rest of the cast strikes the perfect balance between horror and comedy. I especially liked the performance of Owen Saxon as the somewhat dim but well-meaning Ryan. There was something touching about how concerned he was about whether or not his shirt was too tight.

Toxic Shark was a lot of fun. If you get a chance, be sure to catch it!

Just don’t let the shark catch you…