Cleaning Out The DVR: The Neighbors Are Watching (dir by Haylie Duff)


“Your neighbors will always have your back,” Betsy (Elena Kent) tells Amy (Kabby Borders) while welcoming her to the neighborhood.

But will they?

That’s the question posed by the Lifetime film, The Neighbors Are Watching.  At first, it certainly seems like the neighbors are supportive of Amy as she starts her new job as a teacher and she tries to restart her life after ending a bad marriage.  And it certainly seems like a wonderful neighborhood.  Amy’s even got a surprisingly big house, considering that she’s a teacher.  I guess she lives in one of those states where teachers get paid a decent salary and don’t have to hand over half of it in union dues.  Either that or this is just another example of Lifetime understanding that it’s more fun to watch people in big houses than to watch people in small houses.

With the support of the neighborhood, Amy starts to date Henry (Will Holland), the guy who has just moved in across the street from her.  And, with the exception of one skeevy moment where he glances up at Amy’s bedroom window while she’s getting dressed, Henry seems like a great guy.  He says that he owns a home repair business and he even volunteers to fix her back door for her.

But strange things are happening and soon, the neighbors will turn against Amy.  It starts when someone leaves Amy strange messages and newspaper clippings about how her previous marriage ended because she killed her abusive husband in self-defense.  Then Henry starts to act strangely and Amy even thinks that she sees him at his house with another woman.  When Amy confronts him, Henry gaslights her and claims that she’s obviously seeing things.  All of the neighbors come outside to watch as Amy and Henry argue.  And when Amy thinks that she sees Henry putting a dead body in the trunk of his car, the police react as if Amy is the one who did something wrong by calling them.  Is Amy truly losing it, as Henry suggests, or is someone trying to frame Amy and make her look bad?  And will Amy’s neighbors, including Betsy, have her back?

The Neighbors Are Watching was one of those Lifetime movies that got better as it went along.  The first half, which featured Amy and Henry as a couple, featured a bit too much overwritten, cutesy flirting and a few too many scenes of Betsy trying to convince everyone to drink wine.  But, once it became apparent that Henry was a bad guy who was trying to make everybody think that Amy was going insane, the film became much more entertaining.  In fact, all of the cutesy dialogue made sense once you understood that Henry was trying to create the impression of a movie-perfect romance.  There’s a good twist towards the end and Lifetime regular Kabby Borders is likable and sympathetic as Amy.  This is the third film that Haylie Duff has directed for Lifetime and she definitely understands the importance of embracing the melodrama.  Despite the rough start, I enjoyed watching The Neighbors Are Watching.

Lifetime Film Review: Secrets In The Woods (dir by Sara Lohman)


I have mixed feelings when it comes to the idea of camping.

On the one hand, I grew up in the Southwest.  By the time I was 12, I had already lived in Texas, Oklahoma, Arkansas, New Mexico, Colorado, and Louisiana.  My family moved a lot and there were times when we did live in the country.  I’ve spent time on farms.  I love the city a bit too much to ever be called a country girl but, at the same time, I could probably adapt if I ever had to enter the witness protection agency and they gave me a new life in rural Arkansas.

And, even though I currently live in the suburbs and spend as much time as I can in the city (or at least I did until this year started), I still enjoy a nice country vacation.  I enjoy going up to the lake.  Jeff and I usually go out to Mt. Nebo at least once a year.

So, camping is not necessarily something that I can’t do.  That said, I would be lying if I said that I’m really an experienced camper.  To be honest, I find the wilderness to be a bit creepy.  I’m the girl who jumps at every sound and who freaks out at the sight of a bug.  I may say that I’m spending the weekend up at the lake but what that means is that I’m spending the weekend in an air-conditioned lake house with WiFi and cable.  By that same token, going up to Mt. Nebo doesn’t mean actually camping out on a mountain.  It means staying in a nice cabin and making sure that there aren’t any wild animals wandering about whenever I step out on the front porch.

My point is that I could relate to Sandra, the main character in the recent Lifetime film, Secrets In The Woods.  As played by Brittany Underwood, Sandra is a smart, independent woman who may not have a lot of experience camping but who is determined to make the most out of the weekend that her boyfriend, Brant (Taylor Frey), has in store for them.  Brant is definitely a country boy and he’s looking forward to showing Sandra around the cabin where he grew up.

Brant seems like a nice guy but, from the start, the camping trip has its problems.  For one thing, a stop at a gas station leads to Sandra meeting a super creepy local who seems like he’s trying a bit too hard to be friendly.  Then, when Sandra arrives at the cabin, she finds a picture of Brant’s dead mom.  Though Sandra may not notice it, those of us watching immediately notice that Sandra and Brant’s mother share a physical resemblance.

A series of unfortunate events leads to Sandra injuring her foot and then losing the bag that not only had all of her clothes but also her shoes and the keys to Brant’s truck.  They’re stranded up at the cabin!  Brant says not to worry because his father will be along soon.  And if Sandra wants to change clothes, she can just wear some of his mother’s old dresses and….

Uhmmm, wait …. what?

Okay, seriously, if a guy tries to get you to wear his mother’s clothes, it’s a huge red flag.  I don’t care what the situation is.  Even if it means spending the entire weekend in just your underwear, you do not agree to your boyfriend suggesting that you wear his mother’s old dress.  YOU JUST DON’T!  Thank you for coming to my TED talk.

Anyway, things get even worse when Brant’s father, Langley (Jim Klock), shows up and it turns out that father and son have been looking forward to trapping Sandra in the wilderness….

You’ll probably be able to guess where Secrets In The Woods is heading from the minute that Brant and Sandra first show up at the cabin but no matter.  The fact that movies like this are occasionally predictable is a part of a fun.  We know that Sandra’s making a mistake by trusting Brant and the real suspense comes from waiting for Sandra to figure out what’s going on as well.  Brittany Underwood is a sympathetic lead and she’s ably supported by Kabby Borders, who plays her sister.  Depending on what’s going on at any particular moment, Taylor Frey is both convincingly likable and convincingly creepy as Brant.  Meanwhile, Jim Klock turns Langley into a wonderfully hissable villain.

Secrets In The Woods is fun, as the best Lifetime films tend to be.  See it before you go on your next camping trip.

What Lisa Watched Last Night #175: Devious Nanny (dir by Devon Downs and Kenny Gage)


Last night, I turned over to the Lifetime Movie Network and I watched Devious Nanny!

Why Was I Watching It?

I’ve got a long history with Lifetime nanny films.  I’ve watched films about Bad Nannys, Betrayed Nannys, Nightmare Nannys, Evil Nannys, Killer Nannys, and Dangerous Nannys.  So, how could I resist something called Devious Nanny?

(Actually, it was apparently also called both The Nanny Betrayal and The Au Pair.  Devious Nanny, though is an improvement on both of those.)

What Was It About?

Elise (Michelle Borth) and Brian (Antonio Cupo) have it all.  Elise works at an art gallery.  Brian works in … well, I think it was advertising but I could be wrong.  All I know is that he worked in an office and he was worried about landing a big account and he wore a suit to work.  Isn’t that what they do in advertising?  Anyway, it’s a good job.  Brian and Elise have a nice house and an adorable son.  All they need to complete the picture is … an au pair!

Enter Amber (Olesya Rulin), who appears to be the perfect nanny.  She loves kids and she’s even okay with cleaning up around the house!  Of course, Amber did lie a little to get her job.  And she didn’t tell her new employers that she grew up in the foster system and that she has a history of mental instability.  Soon, Brian and Amber are exchanging lustful glances and people are turning up dead.

But here’s the thing.  I’ve seen enough killer nanny films that I immediately realized that it was probably significant that the film never actually showed Amber killing anyone.  So, is Amber the murderer or is it someone else?  The film is full of suspects!

What Worked?

It all worked.  This was the type of Lifetime movie that made me fall in love with the unique Lifetime aesthetic in the first place.  Well-acted and full of snarky lines, Devious Nanny also featured a rather clever last-minute plot twist.  The end of the film also features a line of dialogue that is perhaps the coldest sentiment over to be offered up in a Lifetime film.

Needless to say, this was a fun movie to live tweet.  Those of us on twitter last night had a blast trying to figure out who the killer was and who was going to be the next victim.

All in all, it was a very entertaining movie.

What Did Not Work?

It all worked!  At first, I was worried that the film would turn out to be just another Lifetime Nanny film but the script, by Adam Rockoff, was full of unexpected plot twists.  I’m going to guess that Rockoff has seen enough nanny films that he knew exactly what most people would be expecting and he very skillfully manipulated those expectations.

In fact, my only issue is that Lifetime aired this on Friday night and it didn’t really seem like they made much of an effort to publicize it.  Sometimes, I think Lifetime doesn’t truly understand just how many people love watching their movies.  They’ll promote the Hell out of some forgettable (and often regrettable) celebrity biopic but entertaining thrillers, like this one, rarely get the fanfare that they deserve.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I’ve been lucky, in that I’ve never had to work as an au pair.  I’ve also never been suspected of murder.  I guess I’ve just lived a sheltered life.  However, if any of that did happen to me, I would hope, when it was all over, that I could be as snarky about it as Amber.

Lessons Learned

Life’s not easy when you’re a nanny.

Let’s Talk About Toxic Shark (dir by Cole Sharpe)


Oh Hell yeah!

This past week has been Shark Week on SyFy!  On Sunday, SyFy is going to premiere the latest Sharknado movie.  As always, in the days before the latest chapter in the Sharknado saga, SyFy has been showing other shark-related films.  Of course, my friends and I have been watching and live-tweeting all of these films.  What makes the experience especially fun is that, often times, the filmmakers themselves will join in and tweet along with us.  It’s a wonderful reminder that watching an original movie on SyFy should always be a community experience.

Take Toxic Shark for instance…

Toxic Shark premiered on Thursday night and I had a blast watching it.  Need proof?  Check out my tweets.  But what made Toxic Shark especially fun was that I was watching it with my friends, a group of movie lovers who call themselves the Snarkalecs.  We’ve been watching movies on SyFy since …. well, since forever.  I joined them in 2011 but they were watching movies together before I even showed up.  Even better, members of the cast and crew, including producer Neil Elman and editor Don Money, joined in the live tweet.  Toxic Shark is an audience participation film.  This is a movie for people who want to have a good time with their snarkiest and funniest friends.  If you’re not talking back to the screen while watching Toxic Shark, you’re doing it wrong.

Toxic Shark is a film that, in many ways, centers around friendship.  Two groups of friends are looking forward to relaxing at a singles retreat in Puerto Rico.  Unfortunately, things don’t go quite as smoothly as you might hope.  For one thing, it turns out that the retreat is being run by Reese (Eric Etebari, giving a hilarious performance), who is one of those people who you dread meeting at the gym.  Along with that, local fisherman are disappearing.  One of the singles, Ryan (Owen Saxon), worries over whether his shirt is too tight or not tight enough.  (That might not sound like a big deal but he was quite concerned about it.)  Body parts are washing up on the beach.  Eden (Kabby Borders) is shocked to discover that her ex-boyfriend, Sam (Bryce Durfee), just happens to be at the retreat.  Something attacks Gabby (Cirstina Jayo) when she goes out into the ocean.  A yoga class get eaten.  It may not be as bad as Fyre Festival but still…

Oh, wait a minute.  I forgot to mention the biggest problem at the retreat.  There is this giant shark that keeps jumping out the ocean and eating people.  Seriously, that’ll ruin any vacation.  But it’s not just that the shark is really big and fast.  This shark has also become toxic!  It can not only bite you in half but it can spew toxic waste on you as well…

But that’s not all!  The bite of this shark also turns its victims into zombies!  Yes, you read that correctly.  Assuming you don’t accidentally get killed by Reese, there’s always the chance that the shark will eat you.  And, if the shark doesn’t get you, the zombies will…

I mean, seriously, how can you not love that?  Toxic Shark is a blast of pure chaotic fun, featuring beautiful beach scenery, hot people in swimsuits, and a kickass musical score.  Everyone appears to be having a ball, running from sharks and turning into zombies.  Kabby Borders and Bryce Durfee make for a likable couple (even when they’re arguing) and the rest of the cast strikes the perfect balance between horror and comedy.  I especially liked the performance of Owen Saxon as the somewhat dim but well-meaning Ryan.  There was something touching about how concerned he was about whether or not his shirt was too tight.

Toxic Shark was a lot of fun.  If you get a chance, be sure to catch it!

Just don’t let the shark catch you…

Let’s Talk About Dam Sharks!


Dam_Sharks_2016_9699818

Last night, SyFy’s Shark Week continued with the premiere of Dam Sharks!

I watched it with my friends, the Snarkalecs, and we had a damn good time.  Seriously, Dam Sharks is damn fun, damn entertaining, damn good, damn funny, damn gory, and pretty damn enjoyable.  I’m damn glad we watched it, dammit!

I’m sure that we’ve all wondered what would happen if a bunch of sharks suddenly showed up in a river.  Well, Dam Sharks provides us with an answer!  Apparently, they would not only eat every human being that they came across but they would also use the left-over body parts to construct dams.

(Needless to say, by building their own dams, the sharks would also end up putting a lot of beavers out of work.  If you’re wondering what happens when a beaver has nothing to constructive to devote itself to, I suggest checking out a film called Zombeavers.)

Now, if you’re asking yourself why a bunch of sharks would show up in a river and start building a dam out of human body parts … well, that means you’re not approaching this film correctly.  Why it’s happening really isn’t that important.  Blame it on global warming, if you must.  Blame it on the military.  Blame it on Big Evil Corporation.  Blame it on whoever you want.  The why is not important.  What important is that, in this film, it’s happening.  Sharks are in the river and they’re making dams.  As my favorite character, Carl the anti-government survivalist (played by Robert Craighead), put it whenever anyone spent too much time wondering why the sharks were in the river, “It’s a long story.”

In fact, it’s such a long story that the film doesn’t have time to dwell on it.  Especially not when so many people are hanging out around that shark-infested river…

Like many SyFy films, Dam Sharks borrows its structure from the disaster film genre.  We meet various groups of people, we watch as they’re forced to deal with a sudden crisis (in this case, dam-building sharks), and we try to guess who will die and who will survive.

Now, of course, some of the people are obviously doomed.  The guy in the boat who fishes with a gigantic hook that’s at the end of a chain?  Oh, he’s so obviously dead.  The hipsters trying to zipline over the river?  No way they’re going to make it.  The girl who strips down to her underwear so that she can dive off a rock?  She’s not even going to reach the water before a shark gets her.  That’s just the way it goes.

But others, we’re not so sure about.  Much like Atomic Shark, Dam Sharks deserves a lot of credit for keeping the audience off-balance.  There are a few characters who you assume will never die because they’re either too likeable or too funny.  But, as we quickly learn, sharks don’t care if you’re funny or likable.  They just want to eat you and add your leg to the dam.

As I mentioned earlier, my favorite character was Carl.  He disliked almost everyone and he wasn’t ashamed to admit it.  However, Carl was also the only character who I personally would want to help me if I found myself being attacked by river sharks.  He knew what he was doing.  Carl spends most of the movie with Kate (Jessica Blackmore) and, working together, they are a shark’s worst nightmare.  Good for them.

Of course, Carl and Kate aren’t the only ones on the river.  Tanner (Jason London) is a callous CEO, the type of boss who thinks that he’s the next Steve Jobs and simply can’t understand why nobody likes him.  Tanner has ordered several of his employees to spend the weekend at the river.  Over the course of the day, they will play paintball, they will practice archery, and they will take a raft out onto the river.  Since you really can’t blame sharks for acting like sharks, Tanner is the closest thing that Dam Sharks has to an actual villain.  Jason London, who was so good in Zombie Shark, is properly loathsome as the buffoonish Tanner.

As for Tanner’s employees, they’re a mixed bunch of characters.  Some of them will survive the weekend.  Quite a few of them most definitely will not.  From the start, it’s obvious that Pullman (Matt Mercer) and Stella (Neka Zang) are the two that we’re supposed to care about the most.  Both Mercer and Zang are well-selected for their roles.  When they sit on a rock and hide out from the paintball game, their conversation briefly makes Dam Sharks about something deeper than just damn sharks.  Mercer is especially effective when he talks about how little personal fulfillment he gets out of his job.  You truly feel bad for him.

But really, the entire film is well-cast.  From the stars to the most minor of characters, everyone gets a chance to make an impression.  I have to give special mention to Eric Paul Erickson, who turned the buffoonish Kenny into a rather sweet and likable character.  Among the actors playing the rest of Tanner’s employees, Kabby Borders, Saxon James, and Francis Gonzalez are especially well-cast and likable.  Though the film itself encourages you not to take any of it too seriously, you still find yourself hoping that they all manage to survive.

If you’re a fan of SyFy movies, you’ll love Dam Sharks!  And if you don’t like SyFy movies — well, that’s just a damn shame.

Dona and Carl searching for dam sharks.

Kate and Carl searching for dam sharks.

(In an earlier version of this post, I accidentally misidentified both the character of Kate and the actress who played her.  I apologize for the error! — LMB)

TSL’s The Daily Horror Grindhouse: They Found Hell (dir by Nick Lyon)


They Found HEll 2

They Found Hell, which premiered last night on the SyFy channel, deserves a lot of credit.  In the tradition of the best grindhouse films (and, make no mistake, this was definitely a grindhouse film even if it was made for TV), They Found Hell delivers exactly what it promises.  The title tells us that “they” will find Hell and that’s exactly what happens.

“They” refers to a group of college students who, through some questionable use of science, manage to not only open up a portal into Hell but get sucked into it as well.  One student does manage to avoid getting sucked into the portal but he turns out to be pretty ineffective.  When he goes to the local crazy professor (James Sobol Kelly), he tells him what has happened, and then suggests maybe calling the police.  (I assume so that the police could read Hell its rights?)  The professor responds by tying the student up.  The professor has a plan of his own.

As for the students actually went down the portal … well, they’re in Hell.  One student insists that there’s no such thing as Hell and therefore, this must all be a dream.  Of course, he’s the first to die.  This, of course, leads to an interesting theological question: if an atheist dies in Hell, does he just come back to life?  I mean, he’s already in Hell.  What else can be done to him?

Anyway, the remaining students soon find themselves split up and each exploring a different section of Hell.  And this is really where the movie triumphed because this was a very convincing and very memorable Hell.  One student found himself in a desolate forest and ended up getting attacked by a bunch of vines.  Another found herself wandering through the hallways of what appeared to be the ruins of a Tuscan castle.  Another student found himself in a burning city while two others found themselves chained to a wall while a pendulum swung back and forth.  (I assume they were in the Edgar Allan Poe Wing of Hell.)  It was all surprisingly well-done and quite creepy.

At first, it seemed that Hell was nearly deserted and I guess we should be happy about that.  (I mean, humanity must be doing something right if there’s hardly anyone on the streets of Hell.)  But, as we quickly learn, the students are not alone.  There are lizard creatures that jump through windows.  There are snarling dogs that eat men who have been tied to the trees in a dark forest.  And, of course, there’s the succubus…

And then there’s Charon, the boatman.  In Greek mythology, Charon is the ferryman who takes souls across the River Styx.  Of course, he’ll only take you if you can pay the toll.  Charon’s always been one of my favorite mythological characters so I was definitely excited when he made an appearance here, looking all spooky and ghastly.

When They Found Hell started, I noticed that a lot of Hell seemed to look like other horror movies.  There were some scenes that had a Saw feel to them.  And then there were others that felt like they could have been lifted from a zombie movie.  At first, I assumed the film was just ripping off other horror films and I was totally okay with that.  But, as we discover, there’s actually a very clever reason why the various sections of Hell resemble other horror movies.  I’m not going to spoil it but it really is pretty clever.

And really, that’s a great description of They Found Hell.  It’s a surprisingly clever little horror film, one that is full of spooky atmosphere and scary moments.  It’s also surprisingly well-acted, with the entire cast bringing a lot of conviction to their roles.  This is a fun movie, one that you should definitely watch with a group of your best, snarkiest, and smartest friends.

So, keep an eye out and, the next time that They Found Hell is on SyFy, be sure to watch!

They Found Hell