Retro Television Reviews: Return of the Rebels (dir by Noel Nosseck)


Welcome to Retro Television Reviews, a feature where we review some of our favorite and least favorite shows of the past!  On Sundays, I will be reviewing the made-for-television movies that used to be a primetime mainstay.  Today’s film is 1981’s Return of the Rebels!  It  can be viewed on YouTube!

Mary Beth Allen (Barbara Eden) used to be the wife of the leader of Rebels, Arizona’s toughest motorcycle gang.  She’s now a widow and she operates a Colorado River campground.  Her teenager daughter, Amy (Deanna Robbins), has got a crush on a local boy named K.C. Barnes (Patrick Swayze) and that’s a problem because K.C. is kind of a jerk.

Every weekend, K.C. and his gang descend on the campground and proceed to have a good time, redneck-style.  They set up a few kegs of beer.  They water ski.  They play loud music.  They get into fights.  They drive their vans all over the property.  They are so disruptive that Mary Beth is losing customers.  For reasons that are not quite clear, the police refuse to help her.  For some reason, K.C. seems to be determined to drive Mary Beth out of business.  And when I say “for some reason,” what I mean is that there’s absolutely no reason for K.C. to be as obnoxious as he is.  It’s not like he owns a rival campground or anything.  He’s not going to gain a thing by running Mary Beth out of business.  K.C.’s only motivation seems to be that he’s a jerk.  Unfortunately, he’s played by a young Patrick Swayze, who was a bit too likable to be believable as someone who would be a jerk just for the Hell of it. Swayze smirks and sneers and laughs whenever Mary Beth yells at him but, up until the last few moments of the film, he still comes across more as being an overgrown teenager who is too dumb to realize how annoying he’s being than a true villain.  When K.C. does suddenly reveal himself to be a true villain, it’s a bit jarring.  It’s like seeing the neighborhood bully suddenly pick up a gun and rob a bank.  Swayze’s character was definitely bad but he didn’t seem that bad,

Regardless of K.C.’s level of villainy, his antics are threatening to put Mary Beth out of business.  She goes into the city and pays a visit on Sonny (Don Murray).  Sonny used to be a member of the Rebels.  Now, he’s a fairly successful auto mechanic.  He’s also always been in love with Mary Beth.  When he finds out that Mary Beth needs help, he decides that it’s time to get the old Rebels back together so that they can put some young punks in their place. 

The problem, of course, is that some of the old Rebels are really, really old.  Al Williams (Robert Mandan) was once the most fearsome dude on a motorcycle but now he sells used cars and collapses after he’s challenged to run down to the end of the street.  Mickey Fine (Jamie Farr) is now more concerned with taking care of his family than riding motorcycles.  Jay Arnold Wayne (Christopher Connelly) is a wealthy businessman who …. well, he doesn’t get much of a personality beyond that.  “Wild” Bill Karp (Michael Baseleon) is still wild but he’s also middle-aged and out-of-shape.  

Can Sonny get the gang back together before K.C. takes over the campground?  And even if he can, will he able to gather enough former Rebels to take on K.C.’s surprisingly large gang?  Seriously, when K.C. and his gang show up at the campground, K.C. appears to be leading a convoy.  It’s almost as if the entire population of Arizona is following K.C. around for the weekend.

As you may have already guessed, Return of the Rebels struggles to find a consistent tone.  On the one hand, the battle between the old bikers and the young rednecks is a dangerous one and the film tries to generate some suspense over whether everyone will survive.  On the other hand, the film’s cast is full of sitcom veterans who often deliver their lines as if they’re waiting for a laugh track to punctuate their point.  On the one hand, Patrick Swayze’s gang is supposed to be dangerous.  On the other hand, they’re Patrick Swayze’s gang.  For a bunch of delinquents, it seems like all they really want to do is spend the weekend water skiing and drinking beer.  Obviously, beer and motorboats don’t always go well together but Swayze and his friends still never come across as being quite as dangerous as they’re supposed to be.

Return of the Rebels is a film about getting old.  The members of the Rebels have all found success but all of them are nostalgic for their days of being “outlaw” bikers and they get one final chance to show everyone what they can do.  It’s not a bad theme but again, the film can never quite make up its mind how seriously it wants us to take either the Rebels or Swayze’s gang.  It’s a bit of a mess.  That said, the scenery was gorgeous and I’m enough of a country girl that I definitely got a little thrill out of watching scenes of various pickup trucks and vans driving through the river.  I have a weakness for rebels and reformed bikers.  It’s an amiable film, even if it doesn’t make much sense in the end.

Live Tweet Alert: Watch Werewolf Castle with #ScarySocial


 

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, for #ScarySocial, Tim Buntley will be hosting 2021’s Werewolf Castle!

If you want to join us on Saturday night, just hop onto twitter, start the film at 9 pm et, and use the #ScarySocial hashtag!  The film is available on Prime.  I’ll probably be there and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Cleaning out the DVR: Dirty Little Secret (dir by Linda-Lisa Hayter)


On the outside, Joanna (Melissa John Hart) and her 17 year-old daughter, Lucy (Lizzie Boys), seem like they have a good life.

Joanna is a nurse who is beloved by both her patients and her co-workers.  She works hard and she often worries about money but she is also responsible for saving lives.  One of her former patients, Drew (Edward Foy), has even fallen in love with her and is pursuing a relationship with her.  Drew is nice, considerate, and a financially stable.  He seems like he would be anyone’s dream but Joanna is hesitant about getting close to him or anyone else.

Lucy is a smart student and a talented artist and her guidance counselor thinks that she should apply to F.I.T. in New York City.  When Lucy says that she’s not sure that she could afford it, she is assured that she could probably get a scholarship or a grant.  Lucy has a close friend named Kaylie (Pavia Sidhu) and a potential boyfriend named Josh (Wern Lee) and she should be looking forward to a great future.  Instead, she’s spending all of her time making up excuses to keep people from coming by her house.

Joanna and Lucy share a secret.  Joanna is a compulsive hoarder.  Her house is so cluttered that she can’t find a thing.  While Joanna watches home improvement shows and talks about all of her plans for the future, Lucy struggles to find room to sleep.  Lucy is forced to take showers at school because Joanna couldn’t find the water bill.  When Lucy tries to secretly throw away some bubble wrap, Joanna catches her and yells, “What about if I want to send gifts!?”  The clutter is so terrible that Joanna is constantly struggling with her asthma.

It easy to cast Joanna as the villain here but, as the film makes clear, both she and Lucy have been abandoned by the rest of their family.  Joanna’s husband walked out years ago.  Lucy’s older sister, Sara (Samantha Hodhod), refuses to come by the house or even talk to Joanna but, at the same time, she expects Lucy to put all of her plans on hold so that she can take care of their mother.  Everyone has given up on Joanna but Lucy is convinced that she can somehow fix things.  It ultimately leads to tragedy and leaves the audience wondering if anyone in the family ever really had a chance.

This is one dark Lifetime movie.

I have to admit that, though I’m compulsively clean and organized, I always have a bit of sympathy for hoarders.  When you grow up in an unstable household, it’s easy to put a lot of importance in the things that you own because those are the thing that aren’t going to abandon you.  Even the simplest or most mundane items can come to represent either a good memory or hope for a better future.  I’ve seen a few episodes of Hoarders and I always despise the family members who yell at the hoarder for not throwing stuff out.  What the people yelling don’t understand is that those possessions are often the only source of comfort and stability that a hoarder has.  Throwing stuff away means throwing away memories and hope.  (The other reason why I don’t like it when people yell on Hoarders is because they’re usually only yelling to show off for the cameras.  People will ignore a problem for years and then try to play the hero as soon as a television crew shows up.)   Myself, I have a sentimental attachment to just about everything I own.  Fortunately, I also have a storage unit.  

Melissa Joan Hart does a good job playing Joanna, who alternates between pretending that everything is normal and flying into a rage whenever she can’t find something in the house.  Lizzie Boys is also effective as Lucy, who has been unfairly burdened with not only protecting the family’s secrets but also with taking care of her mother.  At the end of the movie, it’s obvious that both characters deserved to be treated better than they were.  Both characters sacrifice their chances for happiness in order to keep the family secrets.  It makes for an effective and sad Lifetime film, one that will hopefully inspire a little compassion for not only the hoarders but also the people who try to take care of them.

The New York Film Critics Circle Honors TAR, Cate Blanchett, Colin Farrell, Ke Huy Quan, Keke Palmer, and S.S. Rajamouli!


And awards season is here!

Today, the New York Film Critics Circle announced their picks for the best of 2022!  The NYFCC is one of the many critics groups that will be announcing their picks over the upcoming weeks.  The NYFCC is considered to be one of the better precursors out there so a win is definitely a big deal.  (Last year, for instance, the NYFCC started the movement that eventually led to Drive My Car picking up a Best Picture nomination.)

Here are the NYFCC winners for 2022:

Best Picture: TAR

Best Director: S. S. Rajamouli, RRR
Best Actress: Cate Blanchett, TAR
Best Actor: Colin Farrell, After Yang and The Banshees of Inisherin
Best Screenplay: Martin McDonagh, The Banshees of Inisherin
Best International Film: EO
Best Cinematography: Claudio Miranda, Top Gun: Maverick
Best Supporting Actress: Keke Palmer, Nope
Best Supporting Actor: Ke Huy Quan, Everything Everywhere All at Once
Best Non-Fiction Film: All the Beauty and the Bloodshed
Best Animated Feature: Marcel the Shell With Shoes On
Best First Film: Aftersun

SPECIAL AWARD 1: Jake Perlin, curator, distributor, publisher, in recognition of his indispensable contributions to film culture.

SPECIAL AWARD 2: dGenerate Films, For their invaluable work bringing independent films from China to a wider audience

SPECIAL AWARD 3: Jafar Panahi, for his dogged bravery as an artist, and for the humanity and beauty of a body of work created under the most oppressive circumstances.

 

What Lisa Marie Watched Last Night #224: Ice Road Killer (dir by Max McGuire)


Last night, I watched Ice Road Killer on the Lifetime Movie Network!

Why Was I Watching It?

It had been a while since I had last watched a Lifetime movie and, with this year soon to come to a close, I figured that last night would be a good time to start catching up.

What Was It About?

While on her way to pick up her daughter from college, Helen (Sarah Allen) nearly runs over a young woman named Carly (Zoe Belkin).  Carly claims that she’s stranded.  Because the roads are icy and a heavy snow is falling, Helen agrees to give Carly a ride to wherever Carly is going.  Needless to say, Helen’s daughter, Lauren (Erica Anderson), is not amused.

Of course, what Helen doesn’t realize is that Carly and her boyfriend, Boyd (Connor McMahon), are planning on robbing her.  But what Carly and Boyd don’t realize is that they are being followed by a psycho trucker (Michael Swatton), who is looking for revenge.  

What Worked?

For a Lifetime film, Ice Road Killer had some effectively scary moments and some creepy locations.  (The motel where Helen, Lauren, and Carly initially attempted to spend the night was memorably run-down and it brought back some memories of my own childhood road trips.)  The ice, the snow, and the howling wind all added up to create an otherworldly atmosphere and Christopher Guglick’s original score was appropriately ominous.  

Michael Swatton was wonderfully creepy as the psycho trucker.

What Did Not Work?

A huge issue that I had was that Carly and Boyd’s robbery scheme never made sense to me.  Instead of just robbing Helen when she first stopped to pick up Carly, Boyd instead followed behind Helen and Carly while they drove down the icy road.  If you’re going to rob a random driver, it seems like it would make more sense to just do it and make a run for it instead of dragging it all out.

Another issue that I had was with the idea that anyone, in the year 2022, would actually pick up a hitchhiker, especially someone like Helen who had reason to not trust people in general.  I get that the weather was bad but still, it seems like a stretch that Helen would give Carly a ride, arrange for Carly to spend the night in a motel with Helen and her daughter, and then leave Carly — a total stranger — alone with the $500 that Helen could not afford to lose. 

You always have to be willing to suspend your disbelief when it comes to Lifetime films, that’s usually a part of the fun.  This film just asked you to suspend it even more than usual.

“Oh my God!  Just like me!” Moments

I am a fairly compassionate person and I do believe in helping those in need but there’s no way in Hell that I would ever pick up a hitchhiker, regardless of how bad the weather conditions are.  If I see a person stranded on the side of the road, I might feel bad for them but I’m still not going to let them get in my car.  I might encourage someone driving behind me to pick them up but I’ve seen too many horror films to make that mistake myself.  So, I couldn’t relate to that part of the film.

However, I also don’t drive well in cold weather.  When Helen ran her car off the icy road and nearly ran over Carly, I could totally relate to that.

Lessons Learned

Don’t pick up hitchhikers and by nice to truck drivers!

Live Tweet Alert: Join #FridayNightFlix for Scrooged!


 

As some of our regular readers undoubtedly know, I am involved in a few weekly live tweets on twitter.  I host #FridayNightFlix every Friday, I co-host #ScarySocial on Saturday, and I am one of the five hosts of #MondayActionMovie!  Every week, we get together.  We watch a movie.  We tweet our way through it.

Tonight, at 10 pm et, I will be hosting #FridayNightFlix!  The movie? 1988’s Scrooged!

Get in the Christmas spirit with Bill Murray, Carol Kane, and Robert Mitchum!

If you want to join us this Friday, just hop onto twitter, start the movie at 10 pm et, and use the #FridayNightFlix hashtag!  I’ll be there tweeting and I imagine some other members of the TSL Crew will be there as well.  It’s a friendly group and welcoming of newcomers so don’t be shy.

Scrooged is available on Prime, Paramount, and Pluto!  See you there!

Here’s The Trailer for Transformers: Rise of the Beasts


Here’s the trailer for the latest Transformers movie.

Like Bumblebee, this film is a prequel to the other Transformers films.  This film is set in 1994 so I guess viewers can look forward to grunge and flannel to go along with the robots or whatever it is the Transformers are supposed to be.

 

Here’s The Trailer For Indiana Jones and The Dial of Destiny


The Dial of Destiny?”

I can see why people are just calling this Indiana Jones 5.

Hopefully, this film will give Harrison Ford a chance to close out the Indiana Jones saga with a bit more panache than he was allowed in Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.  Still, it just feels wrong the Spielberg isn’t directing.

Anyway, here’s the trailer.  It’s always nice to see Harrison Ford acting grumpy.

Here’s The Trailer for Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 3!


To be honest, I’ve been a little bit bored with the MCU lately.  I mean, the Spider-Man films were fun and WandaVision was certainly better than I was expecting it to be but, for the most part, it’s been hard to shake the feeling that, post-Endgame, the MCU has lost a bit of its spark.  Endgame was such a logical place to stop that everything that’s come after it has felt a bit superfluous.

Still, if anyone can respark my interest in the MCU, it would be James Gunn and the Guardians of the Galaxy.  And, fortunately, they’ve got a new film coming out next year!  Here’s the trailer, which seems to promise that the Guardians will continue to poke subtle fun at the conventions of the MCU while also using those conventions to their advantage.

At the very least, it should have a good soundtrack.

 

Film Review: Don’s Plum (dir by R.D. Robb)


Filmed in 1996 and given a very limited European release in 2001, Don’s Plum is a micro-budget indie film.  It’s about a group of young friends who meet up at a diner called Don’s Plum and spend the entire night talking to each other.  It’s filmed in grainy black-and-white and the majority of the dialogue is improvised.  The main characters continually let us know that they’re friends by referring to each other as “bro.”  There’s a lot of conversations but none of it adds up to much.  In many ways, it feels typical of the type of indie films that were inspired by the early work of Richard Linklater and Kevin Smith.  Unfortunately, it’s not a particularly good or interesting film.

That said, Don’s Plum has achieved a certainly level of infamy due to the fact that two of the talkative friends are played by Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire.  DiCaprio plays Derek, an arrogant, abrasive, and manipulative womanizer.  Tobey Magurie plays Ian, a weirdo with a spacey smile.  DiCaprio and Maguire were both up-and-coming stars when they filmed Don’s Plum.  DiCaprio, who had already received his first Oscar nomination and who had just finished shooting William Shakespeare’s Romeo and Juliet, was a year away from Titanic.  Maguire was also a year away from his breakthrough role in The Ice Storm.  DiCaprio and Maguire not only starred in Don’s Plum but they’re also responsible for the film having never been commercially released in North America.

There’s a lot of conflicting stories about why DiCaprio and Maguire have both attempted to keep the film from being released.  DiCaprio’s story is that neither he nor Maguire were aware that they were shooting a feature film.  Instead, they thought they were making a short film and the only reason that they even showed up during the two nights of filming was because they were friends with the director, R.D. Robb.  The film’s producers, on the other hand, claimed that DiCaprio and Maguire always knew that they were making a feature film and that the reason they objected to the film’s release was because they were embarrassed by how much personal information they revealed while improving.  The truth is probably somewhere in between.

Of course, it’s also possible that DiCaprio and Maguire didn’t want the film to be seen because the film kind of sucks.  The dialogue is tedious, the film’s pace is painfully slow, the grainy black-and-white cinematography is dull, and the film’s soundtrack is so muddy that it’s difficult to understand what the characters are actually talking about.  Playing a total douchebag, DiCaprio does get to show off his natural charisma but Tobey Maguire appears to be dazed and confused in the role of Ian.  To be honest, both DiCaprio and Magurie are outacted by Kevin Connolly, who plays one of their friends and who would later go on to play the only vaguely likable character on Entourage.  (Connolly also directed the Brechtian gangster movie, Gotti.)  Connolly may not be as showy as DiCaprio or Maguire but his steady presence provides a nice contrast to Maguire’s fidgety mannerisms and DiCaprio’s need to always be the center of attention.

DiCaprio, Maguire, and Connolly are joined by Scott Bloom, playing the boring friend who will sleep with anyone.  Jenny Lewis gives a good performance in the role of DiCaprio’s quasi-girlfriend.  Amber Benson plays a hitchhiker who is abruptly chased out of the diner (and the movie) by an incredibly obnoxious DiCaprio.  At one point, Ethan Suplee wanders through the diner, playing a character who is identified in the credits as being “Big Bum.”  Everyone gets their chance to improv a monologue, often while staring at the bathroom mirror.  Eventually, DiCaprio’s character reveals a tragic secret from his past and it would have been an effective scene if not for the fact that it comes out of nowhere.

Oh, improv.  Improv has led so many directors and performers down the wrong path.  It’s an attractive idea, I suppose.  Get a camera.  Get some of your best friends to visit for the weekend.  Shoot a movie!  Who needs a script when you can just make it up as you go along.  Unfortunately, what’s often forgotten is that improv only works if you have a solid story idea or theme that you can continually return to if and when the improv itself starts to lose focus.  Curb Your Enthusiasm is a famous for being improved but all of the improvisations are based on a plot that’s discussed and set in stone ahead of time.  Don’s Plum feels more like one of those weird shows that George Clooney and Steven Soderbergh came up with for HBO in the mid-aughts.  (Remember that one with the acting class?  Frank Langella played a pompous acting teacher named Goddard Fulton and one of his students got a role on One Tree Hill.)  Don’s Plum meanders without any real direction, with none of the actors really trying to challenge each other.  An improved film like this needs a force of chaos, like Rip Torn provided for Norman Mailer’s Maidstone.  Instead, this film can only offer DiCaprio caricaturing his pre-Aviator persona as a hard-partying and often abrasive movie star.  (If nothing else, this film shows just how much DiCaprio has benefitted, as both an actor and a public personality, from collaborating with Scorsese.)

Don’s Plum is one of those films that is only well-known because of how difficult it is to see it.  But now you can see it on YouTube!  You can watch it and then you can ask yourself what all the controversy was about.  At this point, I think both DiCaprio and Maguire have proven themselves as actors and allowing for Don’s Plum to get, at the very least, a proper video release wouldn’t hurt the reputation of either one of them.  If anything, the best way to get people to forget about Don’s Plum would be to give them to the chance to try to sit through it.  There’s nothing about this film that sticks with the viewer, beyond the fact that neither Leo nor Tobey want anyone to watch it.